He is a feather in the wind

Either way, I think I've seen too much to know I haven't seen enough.

<3

Theirs was the life I dream about
So yes, last night was one to remember. To document, Sarah gave me a call and invited me to the Neil Young and Lucinda Williams concert with her family. So we went, and the beginning of the night was hysterical "Poncho Fest 2003". Sarah and I were wandering around in bright blue ponchos haha! We felt ridiculous, it was amazing haha. And Sarah saw someone that she knew " who would have ever thought normal people would be here". It was kick ass though, but in way of it broadened my horizon. It was amazing and incredibly refreshing to witness a different generation, and the music that they had come to love. There was excitment in the air, and it was just weird/ really nice to be a part of it. Neil Young did amazing, it was nice to witness a man that goes down in rock and roll history. I personally like his old stuff better, but either way he is extreamly talented. Cute guys wow ( actually only 2) I'm going to get water.." We'll get it!". Lucinda Williams did amazing as well, as Chris Caraba, I get lost in her music as well. My favorite country singer most defiantly. All in all it was great either way, hippies many of them, and drunk people to.

Something to take it away
I've come to this conclusion... that I shouldn't be left alone, cause then I begin to think way too much. How as a grow older I really have been becoming more dependent on others, when in reality it should be the other way around. As you grow older you are suppose to mature, but why do I feel like although I may have learned more, I take it in the worst ways. I've been breaking down lately over everything.. someone please drug me for good. Things are good, I'm not denying that, but theres something thats eating away at me, and every now and then it resurfaces and I get to that point where I don't know what to do anymore.

You know what I need love.
Maybe thats the problem, just a year ago I used to never think like that. I was all no I'm satisfied with myself, I don't need "love". NOt now, not ever. Maybe this is when my self-esteem went downhill, and I started to become needy. Started to need reassurance.

Man I suck.

Are you lonely just like me?
Well summer has been decent so far. Kinda started off rough, the first night of summer being the most annoying of my life. But you know what, I'm so done with people like that , I should no longer subject myself to something that I don't care to be apart of, what a headache. Anyway last night was confirmation, which was an interesting night. Saw Max <3 I love that kid, one of the nicest people I've ever met. Saw alot of old school ( hebrew school) friends, it was a fun night. " Shes in the blonde!" And we were rocking out to the Jewish band... woo!I love reunions...Mother took me shopping today , and I really can't complain so far( surprisingly). I need to excercise, but I can't complain.

I was hoping to learn a few things
So yes, tonight was incredibly worth not getting a ticket Sarah and I went to Mizner to hear Chris Caraba, and man, he was jsut as good as in October, just atmosphere different. Once he started singing he made everything alright. We went looking pretty, skirts, and singing on curbs, it was such a pretty night. His voice= euphoric, I just get lost in it. Played Hands Down as the last song, <3. Then we went to Starbucks, to drink coffee and discuss as does intellectuals. Summer is going to be amazing, so is everything from Wenesday on. I made a new friend, " Hello Fredrick, how are you doing?", or shall I say enemy. Tonight rocked. <3

I can barely smile
You know what I think, you'll work so hard at things, do everything you can possibly do, yet there is always that unspoken, undefined element... some call it chance but we all know that it is much more than that. It can bring everything together, and tear everything apart. Makes you question how much control we really have on our lives doesn't it?

" Maybe I should hate you for this ? "

And I'm just falling back to earth
In the undoubtful heights of our mistakes, in the utteral darkness of the rooms we choose to enter. Let us sit down and experience loneliness as we take it,

As much as we all think we understand we are all thinking complete different things. I'm starting to think this room isn't dark enough, to hide everything I'm afraid of, or everything we're afraid the world will see. And things happen in such beautifully cryptic sequences, and everytime I look the clock says 12.

The angels are out tonight, descending to the streets, and they are out to get me. Running never felt so important, cause this time I knew I had nowhere to go. This is my hell, basking in the unbeatable glories, and how much they would mean to me.

And every now and then you end up at those bridges and wether to jump or not always seems to cross your mind. Well lets just say I was lost, and all you did was come up behind me, whisper " you don't deserve a chance" and cut my throat. Thankyou, you'll never know how much this means to me.

" you pull me away from the thoughts of life above, thats all I can take, and thats enough"

Come and save me sweet summer.

Not that it matters.. I just believe people deserve explainations when they are being straight up. Reconciliation I guess. But thats the lesson ladies and gentlemen, I just thought that you kind of owed something to the people that care about you, at least that much.

Especially when you thought someone was worth something, what a fucking show.

Have I said too much?
How about taking it easy? The rain is coming down too hard to try to not make mistakes.

Sometimes its how beautiful you are when you aren't trying, or even at your worst moments, its what comes out when your on the ground that can make even the coldest unwind and hold out their arms.

And I admit you can make me blind, scream the descriptions in my mind that would paint a picture of only you.

And sometimes you want to face it, and scream, and melt with every word with the constant guilt of knowing you shouldn't.

You bring silvery symphonys to my ears, and to these sunkin eyes, only tears.

You were booed off stage, singin your famous love song
Well I think I have alot of things on my mind as of today. ..

Went to the beach with Stef, got beat red yo, I'm so getting skin cancer this time theres no avoidin it.

Needless to say, I had an excellent conversation with Kelly today. The tragic storys of how people come to overthink, more thinking that doing. It makes me sad cause I point this out more in my everyday routines, I'll sit back and just think and without knowing it, life slips by right underneath my nose. How people can be so complex, that they can never be truly happy, the chances of being happy are always infultraited by an equal thought of how everything might fail. How comparing really is the end to one and SUCH. I dunno it just makes me sad that I'm like this, if only I could learn to make it a positve, I'm sure there is but really, is it within us to do so?

Tonight was semi- interesting. Jim picked us up at 9:30. And wow, hes so Jim, hasn't changed one bit. <3 to Jim though. We arrived at Mike's shortly thereafter...lol let me just say it was a weird situation, the kind of thing where its like " wow I'm not in college", but it was cool. I kind of don't understand Mike, but then I kind of did understand it. I thought this was especially weird, he like went around to the three of us ( still in highschol) and hes like your going into your junior year right? And im thinking yea you dyslexic asshole we only have talked almost every night for past gdamn year, but then we made eye contact like " well, we know we know each other better than this", or at least thats how I looked at it, so whatever reconciliation to my existence...thanks. Then these 3 girls went to go "kidnap" Chase, haha and on their way there he had already left. Chase got a fucking new car! :(. Anyway, saw Aj and then Chase came <333, seriously I hold him in such high esteem, hes a gorgeous person in general and sometimes I really can't get over it. I just think its nice when caring about other people comes like a second nature to you. Seriously, as Julia and I discussed we both need to find him or someone like him, and marry them <3. Anyway saw Roberto ( going to the army :() , Justin Seiler(woot) and others. Reluctantly I was lost deep in thought throughtout our time period there, I guess about everything, the rain, my life, how I thought the college girls were trashy and unintelligent and how I don't want to be that type of college person. I just want to be a kid in college, I want to have meaningful fun, I believe in stuff like that. Like spend golden afternoons, and yea...We left because they were gonna start playing drinking games, and sober/drunk people aren't a wonderful mix. So we went to Don Carter's to spend the remainder of the night with some other people. Now Julie and Linda are passed out on my couch.

On another note, this incredible feeling of guilt has been weighing upon my mind all night. I won't mention specific names, but I would like to tell a good friend of mine that I'm sorry. Really, I blame myself for this I think I made a bad judgement call and I should have known people like that were very situational/conditional anyway. I'm so sorry, though, you have to believe all I wanted for you was the best, and you deserve the best. I'm sorry for dragging someone into your life that didn't have to be dragged in. I thought it would be a good thing, and for awhile I think it was. But don't worry cause they aren't so great anyway if they don't see what is wrong with their actions. And believe me I feel a prang of rejection in myself, and it feels bad but in very wise words once sang/spoke...we don't need the sweater, walk through the sweater, the sweaters that take over our lives and remind us that we don't like the way that we walk. I love you man <3, and know that I'm very sorry and if it was anyone's fault, it was mine and mine alone.

Sleep easy everyone x

p.s. The show was excellent on friday.

So tell me where did I lose control?
Loneliness, it seems as if more and more that word is being fused into my skin and permanently written on my mind. I get more worried as everyday passes that nothing will become of anything, that this was all just to pass the time.

And after residing on a fence and observing the lightning I decided that maybe I'll just fade away...

Pull my strings and I'll go far
And the sun always shines ahead, where it can be chased but never reached. One day I suppose everything will come natural and breathing won't take this much effort.

I'm hoping for an eclipse, never suspected and there would be no time to think. Just that sudden impulse and inexplicable light only intended for two pairs of eyes.

If I were you I'd run for my life

The radio leads the feel-good revolution.
Thankyou Sarah, this is the best present of all time. Anyway wow, I love me right now, I'm peppy and energetic, and so hopeful. If only life could be like today. But thats the good thing: I know with a good attitude it could be. Only 2 more short weeks, and then the world is at our disposal. I'll make it a point to make life good, and not depend on life to make itself good. I think we need to go through hard times to see the light more clearly you know, to enjoy things with a fuller effect.

I can't resist:
Whats with today, today?