Brandi's Journal

:: 2006 8 January :: 3.57am

omg. seriously so this is what it's gonna be like for the next 5 months of my life. 4 am will quickly become my friend i suppose... grarrr. bleh.

:: 2006 7 January :: 6.52pm

i love jess...

and SERIOUSLY i wish those people were my parents. honestly.

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:: 2006 7 January :: 5.07pm

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't.

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today.

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today

and I know I'm not ready,
maybe tomorrow

Tomorrow it may change

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:: 2006 7 January :: 1.40am

Tonight was fun. I went to the basketball game at Forest Hills Central with Emily, Justin, and Logan. We definitely got lost on the way there. We even got directions and Logan is a moron and we were supposed to get off at exit 40B so what does he do? He gets off at exit 39 that takes us god knows where. We finally ended up at the game after like an hour of driving.

The game sucked. We lost.

After that we went to tgi fridays and we about died getting there. I'm not even going to get into that. When we were walking out Emily and I were reading something and I ran into a car. Emily said it was probably the funniest thing that shes ever seen. We just about died laughing.

Then we just went to Justins and watched Wedding Crashers or something. I don't even know. I just fell asleep anyways.

Logan said that Emily and I are exactly the same. Which come to realize after this whole past year after everything we pretty much are. We've been through alot together and somehow at the end, were even better friends than we were at the begining. We can't even listen to the same songs or it will make us cry. We pretty much should be twins.

Anyways after tonight I had tons of fun and I'm glad everything can just be back to normal for good.

Yes, each new day brings with it a new set of lies.

The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep.

We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy.

Or, that he's happy.

That we can change.

Or, that he will change his mind.

We persuade ourselves saying we can live with our sins.

Or, that we can live without him.

Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves...in desperate, desperate hope, that come morning...

It will all be true.

:: 2006 6 January :: 5.23pm

I almost didn't go to school today again. I couldn't fall asleep last night either and my alarm started going off this morning and I pushed snooze and then all of the sudden the buttons froze so I just turned it off and went back to bed and my mom came upstairs at like 7:10 yelling "Why isn't anyone up in this house yet?" so I pretty much was ready in like five minutes.

Today was a pretty boring day. I was just going to skip fifth hour because Brittani and Dani wanted me to go to Yesterdog with them but I figured I probably should make up all my missed work.

The Spring Hill meeting was today and I'm pretty excited for that. It's in a month.

And well I guess I don't really have anything to write about at the moment. Emily is almost here and we are going to Logans for a while and then going to Justins and then going to the game and then afterwards I was just going to come home but Emily wants me to hang out with her so we'll just go hang out with some people. I don't really know what else is going on this weekend but I should go.

<3 Ashley

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:: 2006 6 January :: 1.57pm

i am seriously and completely totaly 100% fed up and i am fu cking done i fucking swear. so here i go. you fucking bitches. god damn i am so fucking sick of stupid school. there's no way i am going to gain any useful knowledge in this next semester. i want to quit so bad i can't stand people at all. fucking stupid assholes i swear i thought i had friends in these people and i dont even fucking care i'm just going to out them on here right now.

for one- jessie g. god damn i thought we were like best friends. we got in that fucking fight and whatever. wwe talked and i thought everything was solved from what we said. you told me you believed me and him and it was fine. later i heard from someone that you said you "basically had to lie to get [me] to forgive you" well even after i heard that, i just brushed it off because i figured our fucking friendship was more important but i fucking guess not. i guess i can throw away all those portrait pictures of us cuz i have way too many to do anything with. what is the point. god even after that i still just wanted to repair our friendship. i can't even believe it . jess i missed you and everything and so i just decided to put the past behind us and fix it. but no. so what happens. i fucking think that we are finally getting back to normal and so i invite you over. you say you can't that night but you will tomrorow. time passes and you dont show up. i call and you say you'll call me back and then come over in just a little bit . more time passes and you dont fucking call. i call and your sister says hold on. she picks back up and says can she call you right back. you dont fucking call me back and when i call you to see what the hells going on you dont even fucking pick up your phone. dont be a fucking coward about it. and i am going to confront you about it cuz that's bullshit. so you can just look forward to the day i do. i'm getting around to it i just have too much on my plate right now. dont be a fucking coward. if you dont want to hang out with me or fucking be my friend than fucking tell me so . and sure as hell dont smile at me in the hallway like nothing is wrong. that is bullshit jess. wow i cant believe i thought i was one of the people you DIDNT talk bad about. well looks like i was wrong. and if you've been wondering, yes i have gained 10 pounds so you can rejoice in the fact that you look better than me so have fun with that. i just wanted to reassure you in case you'd beenwondering. i'm so sick of fucking fake people and fucking cowards. step up to your shit.

what next...

everyone in roman's family. i swear. i liked them all so much to start. and now i am the evil villian in every situation. they think i snatched him up and stole him away. well believe it or not he made every decision by himself. i didn't tell him to move out by any means. the thought alone scared me. i ddin't even know he did it until he called me or i got a hold of him one way or another and he told me that away. and by no means was i like YES score roman! good move! hooray. i mean come the fuck on. are you crazy. do you really think i was saying .. 'roman you should move out, come on it'd be good for us and it would be fun' like what do people think honestly? when i found out he moved out i was scared. scared for him and for us. and this was a year ago. you guys seem to be fine after the whole not lviing at home thing so leave me out of it. do you really think he's pack his stuff and live with his friend just because i suggested it or something? and he's 18 now so he is his own man. he went to college and now he's moved again. not under my influence. so stop giving me shit about it. maybe if you hadnt given him the ultamatum of choosing me or college, he'd live with you. well you saw how far that got you. 4 days and then he realized whats more important to him. how horrible of you. honestly. i cant BELIEVE i tried to reason with you and talk everything out and help you to understand me and get to know me and you coaxed me like a little lamb. making me think you finally were respecting me and our choices. i played by your little FUCKED up rules and even after he decided to come back to me, you tried to put in another twist. calling and telling lies so i wouldn't want him back. telling me i probably want to get pregnant to make him stay with. god that is the biggest load of bullshit i have ever been told. i would never put my child in such a horrible position. so stop thinking i'm like that. i know one day you'll see that i am a good person. and i am. maybe if you backed off of us and just let us be together he'd be happy to come home. maybe if you stopped saying how horrible i am. you know.. maybe that's a thought. secondly, i'm not a bad influence. roman of course is a brilliant and responsible guy on his own but i am the one who says be careful and dont get in trouble. yeah we made some stupid moves but we did that together and i think that's what part of being a teenager involves. i think most teenagers 'run away' at least once in their life and teenagers just generally fuck up. but we sure as hell didnt do anything terrible. and i am not to blame for his moving out. so stop being so against me because nothing is going to change and obviously we've stuck it out this long and your COMPLETE RUDENESS isn't going to change our relationship so you can stop trying and maybe fucking try being civil. you think i'm a psycho? take a look at yourself first. i like you people but dont hate me for no reason. it's unfair. and whatever. go ahead and dont like me , i can't stop that but dont be fucking rude as hell when i say something and what? act like you are deaf? you can't hear me? am i not in the room? you cna't look me in the fucking eyes? FUCKING COWARDS is what i say. stand up and just face a problem. i am on the verge of deciding if i should come up and try to be a bigger person about it and ask if we can get over it together. But for what? to be denied? i dont want to. it will come eventually but meanwhile i will see if maybe you just have enough guts to do it first. there was a time where i thought we were fine.

i am so stressed with roman's moving and school and workBULLSHIT and PEOPLE for sure and my car and money and this college class i'm taking. i cannot take one more thing. i can't. and i have to quit band so i can work because i can't do pep band and he wont let up on it. it's all just taking a toll on me. i can't fucking stand people and i cant stand school.

i dont htink anyone knows how badly i am ready for this change and to get away. sorry but i think i'm going to leave some loose ends. oh well i guess.

next, i honestly dont know who to trust anymore. i really think the only people i can are Roman and jess. there are a few people i trust mostly but who am i kidding. honestly i think i have friends and then i realize they want nothing to do with me. well sorry whatever fine with me i suppose.

logan you're an asshole and dont pretend to be my friend. you're only a friend when i'm the only one around. you are just like andy. i can't believe you turned into a clone of him. i thought we were really friends to each other but i guess not. god seriously dont act like we are. and dont act like i'm not good enough because guess what, i am good enough but you're not good enough for me . and would you like to know why? because of how you treat me. i'm sick of it. i would never ignore you like you do me. You're a fucking Sischo Jr. Congratulations you fucking bastard. You probably wanted to be him all along.

And to you, no i'm sorry i dont have enough guts to say your name. I dont feel like dealing with because i already have once. You're a fucking liar. Dont smile to my face and decieve me to my back. i really wanted to be your friend. i thought you were funny and nice and smart. but i guess not . you're just like your friend. except worse because you dont leave roman alone. Fuck you. oh and just in case you ddin't catch on, the reason Roman completely ignored you was because he doesn't like you. At all.

What is a "good" person anymore? Maybe i'm not good enough for any of you. Good riddance.

I want my prozac back and where's my beuy? that'd be nice........

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:: 2006 6 January :: 1.18pm

this is going to f ucking suck

brad

:: 2006 6 January :: 1.08pm
:: Mood: unsure
:: Music: silence

The end.
Well, the day has come. It's a lonely day, it's a sad day..for some. But, I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow morning. With all of my stuff, I'll be gone for good. It's been fun everyone, I guess you'll see me again someday.

Anyway, to make this short and sweet, I'll miss you all. Goodbye.

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brokenmentality

:: 2006 6 January :: 9.14am

i just about have the best most wonderfulest boyfriend in the entire world.

everyday he amazes me in a whole new way.

last night my sister was sick. (she's 5) and if you know me at all... im the same as my mom. we dont take to well to.... errmmm.. you know ( i dont even like to say it) i remember this because it was the same way when i was growing up. call it weak stomachs i guess...... but keegan stayed at our house last night and helped take care of shelby.

everytime she had to get sick he stood behind her stroking her little back and telling her that it would all be ok. then he cleaned her little face off and talked to her about random things to get her mind off it. just watching how good he is with her makes me want to melt. he could have just left, no one asked him to stay... but he cares about her so much that he wanted to help.. and he wanted to help my mom.

how many guys would do that? i really did get a good one and will by no means let him go.

and waking up this morning was so much nicer knowing i had someone by my side.

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:: 2006 5 January :: 11.38pm

I'm throwing all the hints..giving you all the signs..why can't you just see it?

:: 2006 4 January :: 11.03pm

okay well that was funny but not really. jess come on. funny but not when you change every single when i had that whole quote copied from a movie and sat there and wrote every word from it and then you just erased it all and i had other shit listed to so i duno i'm just kinda pissed especially when you know i've had a horrible day. it was funny when i saw you changed the picture but ithink you went to far .... cuz now all that info is just lost and i relaly dont feel like typing it again. al;ksdjfl;asdkfjasdl;fjksdl;fjl;kdj;asjkdf whatever