swimfan14
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2006 4 January :: 12.03am
Today was anything but ordinary. I couldn't fall asleep last night for the life of me so I pretty much just stayed up all night watching the first season of Desperate Housewives. I'm pretty far, I must add. I am so used to being out all night with people and not falling asleep until around 3 AM so last night was definitely a challenge. I got to school, not looking forward to seeing a certain someone. There was a little tension going on there. So anyways, I'm in first hour (Modishers) and Mr. H called him and wanted me to go upstairs to his class room and I figured it had to do with my monologue or something like that. I walk up there and there standing in the hallway is Veronica. I just about died. I kept saying "omg". H then said that she remembered me and I just about died again. I ran up to her and gave her the biggest hug I've ever gave anyone and this hug was differen't than the last hug I gave her when she came in with her mom, not remembering anyone and she had to sit there and see me bawl my eyes out, and she had no idea why in the world I was crying. When we hugged that day, she barely hugged me back but today she wouldn't let go. I knew she remembered me and I was so happy. I've waited so long for this to come. H told me that she doesn't really remember everything in our friendship but she remembers alot of it so I just have to fill her in on the rest and then she told me she remembered me bawling when she came into school and she had to ask her mom why I was crying and her mom said because we were basically best friends. She told me she felt bad that I was crying but it's not her fault this happened. All in all I'm really happy that she remembers me. She asked me who about six people in our drama class were. She didn't remember them at all. But anyways things are slowly getting better for her and that makes me really happy and now I feel like a moron when we talk because I don't know what parts she remembers and what parts she doesn't so I have to ask her and either way I feel stupid but this is all worth it…..
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 3 January :: 10.23pm
we fit so fucking good together nothing could compare and no one will ever take his place in my heart, in my life, ever... and i swear i'm not giving up.
but i do know that these next few months are gonna be total hell. or very close to it. but all for a wonderful pay off after that.
love you babe
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 3 January :: 5.34pm
okay..
I love roman. And it seems like every week there are obstacles thrown at us left and right. Like everyone except God is wanting us to give up.
But ya know what we say? We say fuck you! And we're never giving up.
It's gonna be a challenge but it's gonna be so worth it. And I can't wait for a few more months. So excited.
And now: I am going to go celebrate Stef and Paul's Engaaaagement.
P.S. (I love Roman)
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 2 January :: 8.17pm
i went shopping at rivertown and got tons of stuff and great deals and now i'm eating chocolate although i lost a few pounds over break so yay and i love roman and he loves me and he's the greatest boyfriend i could ever have ..... what more could ya ask for?
for now anyway. heh
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swimfan14
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2006 2 January :: 5.03pm
You pretty much just lost me.
So walk away like you always do.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 2 January :: 11.50am
:0(
but not really.
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brokenmentality
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2006 1 January :: 9.19pm
so i think i've decided that im gonna go on doing pageants. i think i have the right kind of personality, and if you do those things right the scholarships you get are amazing. i could PAY my way through college and be making a difference at the same time. if i really set my mind to it... i dont think i'll win all of them.. but i definatly think i could get down to the last 10 or so... and either way.. i know from experience that the pageant process itself is an amazing experience. plus i have a pretty impressive resume for one. i decided this while i took a bath tonight.... honestly.. a candle lit bubble bath is where you come up with and figure out the BEST things. plus my mom has a skylight.. and nothing is more relazing than listening to a gentle rain.
im scared about high school ending.. ANXIOUS but scared.... and for the first time in my life i have a plan. its so reassuring to know where i want to go with my life. and if i change my mind about this whole interior design thing.... at least i'll have a great side hobby to fall back on later in life! we went to schulers today and i found this book that was just amazing. it was 40 dollars.. but covered every (well im sure not EVERY) aspect of interior design.. even down to tips on creating your sample board. i think im gonna get it tomorrow. and when im done with this entry im gonna look at different colleges and their design programs.
its just so exciting to have an outline for my life. i've never had that before. i've never been sure about something so HUGE. im extremely indecisive. VENDING machines are a hassel for me! wayyy to many options! so when it comes to my life, and where im going to be in the future... you cant even imagine how confused i get. i havent ever delt with the whole "future" issue before. i just kind of made it through school.. and here i find myself at the end, and i was about ready to break. what kind of 17 year old doesnt have a career picked out? well i'll tell ya from experience.... a very normal one! i now know that im just lucky that i've chosen a career... because you cant just do that overnight. i dont think we should be rushed into deciding the rest of our lives! and i was feeling really down because i thought EVERY one had it figured out except for me. that is NOT the case. design is a passion that i've been practicing for years... and i didnt even know it! my room has always been a haven for me.. and a reflexion of my style. when we lived with brandi i was going crazy because i didnt have a space of my own. it sucked! i need that one place that just screams ME everywhere ya know? i'm very big on personal style.. and even though yes, i do wear abercrombie sometimes... i like to think i have my own style. its the little things that make me unique. i just love fasion and i think you're home should be a reflexion of everything that makes you feel like YOU. ughh.. im just SO excited!
*smiles really big......
with all these "plans" or whatever.. i've realized that in order to stay confident and focused i HAVE to get in shape. im not toooo far from it.. but far enough. i need to have alot of energy. i have a good head on my shoulders... and like i said in my last entry... i dont have any type of negative thing affecting me. that means i have no excuse not to suceed. i just have stay in shape and be on my toes. i am SO ready to embrace life. i wasnt put here to sit in cedar springs the rest of my life. and yeah.. everyone "hates" Cedar and wants to get out... but ya know what.. this is my home. and has always been my home. even though i know that there are bigger things out there... i know that in littler nowheresville michigan.. theres a small town that holds all my memories and the foundation for the rest of my life! i dont think you're SUPPOSED to want to stay in your hometown for the rest of your life! and lets face it... Cedar Springs is all over the united states. there are towns just like ours in every single 20 mile radius of every state... just a few different variations.. and some BIG cities like new york. dont be naive and think that this is the only small "hick" town around! this is our starting place.... not ending! be thankful for that! whether you want to admit it or not... this town has helped make us who we are. if we lived in LA we'd all have much different ambitions.
im just so content with my life right now.... and its so wonderful to feel this good!
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 31 December :: 8.53pm
ugh stupid stupid stupid i am in`a hotel with my famikly on fricken new years eve
alkdsfja;lskdfdum!!!dubm dumb.. !
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swimfan14
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2005 31 December :: 1.52pm
:: Mood: tired
I count the days that we have spent apart. I've got a bad liver and a broken heart. There's no salvation in the comfort of you. I finally realized your tearing me apart.
I think what hurts me the most is the fact that you don't hurt at all.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 30 December :: 9.38pm
fuck me in the ass , tie me to a truck and drag me until my flesh falls off my face, and then shove me in an old abandoned well
and then fucking tell me if i was the last person on earth not completely fake and one hundered percent unreal.
god you either do or you dont
i swear i'm gonna fucking shoot myself.
god you people are stupid.
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 30 December :: 7.38pm
why are you such a jerk to me:?
i am tina and you are adrian and it will never change. and you are a jerk to me.
and you guys just dont understand
is what i'll say
fuck you adrian . fuck you.
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swimfan14
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2005 30 December :: 5.46pm
Puddin Flop (as Stacy/Dani says)
Last night once again was fun as always. Like Stacy said this is mostly just going to be more for my benefit than anyone else's. I went and hung out at Danielles house with Big Nasty, Ryan Case, Dan, Tyler, Shane, Dustin, and of course Stacy. Stacy and I decided we wanted to make bacon randomly and we had the worst time making it and then like an hour later we were finally finished. "The dacon is bangerous" lol one of Stacy's wonderful lines. Then at like midnight we went to IHOP and I said I wouldn't ever go there again after what happened to Erika and I but I went anyways since I wasn't just going to not go with my friends and it wasn't all that bad. Our waitress was extremely weird and we were all trying to be nice and all of the sudden she asked someone at our table "how they wanted their meats?" and I looked at everyone and they were all trying not to laugh and all of the sudden I just busted out laughing and I made Ryan and Dan bust out laughing too. She was definitely odd. And then when Ryan, Tyler, Shane, and Dan went by the Rockford Church some kids threw snowballs at Shanes car and they stopped and got out and beat them up. It was pretty funny to hear about but I didn't see it since I wasn't riding with them and at first when they called us we didn't believe them but it really happend because when we got back Dan's face had a huge hole in it and was bleeding and Ryan's face was swelling up. I couldn't believe it and then on the way to IHOP a cop pulled them over because Shanes lights went off because Ryan said "they were jammin' too hard"...I don't know but I just couldn't stop laughing last night. We always have some great times.
I should get going though because I'm hanging out with Logan, Emily, and Justin later.
So everyone have a good weekend.
<3 Ashley
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 30 December :: 12.34pm
do you ever get that feeling where you KNOW you have to take a shower and do your hair and put fricken makeup all over your stupid face and change you clothes but you can't get over the thought:
'What the hell for?'
soooooooooooooooooooooooo stupid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 29 December :: 4.39pm
so how bout that jessica hazen
what a doll huh?!!?!?!?!? i love her!
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.j.e.s.s.
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2005 29 December :: 4.19pm
I feel so incredible. I feel so relieved!
HALLELUJIA !!! or however you spell that. Thank God, maybe I was wrong. You're right. Aren't you always though?
i feel so good. i couldn't sleep at ALL last night because i was worrying about my future. I hadn't let it bug me that much in a long time and now this solution is at my fingertips. I think i'm really going to go for it. I know some of it might sound like a long shot.... but i reallky think it will work. On top of that, i think it will be a good experience for me. It will. God, i am so happy.
i finally have decided where i'm going to go and what i'm going to do.
now just cross your fingers for me that it all works out.
God Bless You
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