So since I'm awake most nights now, I've been thinking probably more than I should, for my own good at least. Its getting to the time of year where I start becoming a lot less accessable, for a few reasons. I'm out of town more in the fall and winter, a lot more. I think that really I wouldn't mind having someone miss me while I'm gone, someone to call me or something while I'm out, or someone to meet me in the parking lot when I return. The holiday season approches, which likes to make anyone who is single feel like shit because they are single, but I plan on making the most of it. I'm still sitting here weighing the pros and cons of a relationship, and if its actually worth it. I still have no idea, but if things go okay, I might make a slight attempt at someone, which as history shows, will be futile yet again. I think what actually suprises me the most is how much I actually do like her, regardless of what I happen to go through with that. The feeling of being ignored is one of the hardest to work with, because one is not able to tell whether to back off and never speak again, or to continue, hoping that it is just a front that must be overcome. But alas, I am unable to read the slightest bit of emotion, whether postive or negative from her text, which does not help my cause. I am rushing forward already, because I have still yet to decide if I think a relationship, in general, is a good idea and worth it. I will pray for guidence on this matter, for it is actually of some degree of importance in life, for it decides time, energy and feelings. I feel as if I am degrading this whole matter down into word forms and not actual feelings. Oh well, I shall go, for I require sleep.



in ipso vita erat et vita erat lux hominum

So I'm having one of those insane, can't sleep, too many thoughts nights. I told myself that I wasn't going to care anymore, because it never seemed like she cared and that I was just boring her. Why do I find the details to this after the fact? Why do I find out that maybe, in some way she actually liked me? Also, why does this shit keep happening? Oh well, I can't do anything about it now. Time and fate will tell what happens in this chapter of history. I just keep thinking, what could I have done to help myself with this, and what if everything worked out? What would that be like, and if so, how long till it does?

people are going to die now. just because. probably because i'm pissed. randomly i will pick them and kill them. because i have the best timing in the world with things. fuck. so not cool.

I am currently sick, and it does suck. Its been a while since I've been this sick. So I am attempting to get well as quickly as possible, because I don't want to miss any class when classes start back on Tuesday. So yesterday was devoted to getting better and watching college football. My beloved Fighting Irish are looking great this year under Charlie Weis. The new offense is amazing, and the defense is even looking better. Now I am going, because I now require 600 more milligrams of Advil, as well as rest.

so why am i awake right now? i left mass early to come home and pick up my brother, and i'm waiting for him, so i'm writing in here. fuck coach and his sunday practice, agnostic/athiest prick. i know agnostic people that don't pull this shit and still respect people who do. i really hope he dies. so i'm sitting here in a dress shirt, tie, dress pants and my usual shoes for school. aroused? ha. i'm going.

so i'm going to rant a lot in this entry, because i can do that.
i'm sick of dealing with stupid people.
i'm sick of dealing with stupid people who bring up past events.
i am now thinking how much of a waste of time this is. but oh well. things are going to change. a year from now, i'll be in college. most likely with jeff at aquinas. what's interesting is how quickly the mind can can and be made to forget things. feelings can be forgotten. its is amazing what the mind is capable of.

so two new explosions in the sky cds coming out. should be amazing, like always. but for now, i'm tired, and have to be at metro beach by 9:30 tomorrow morning. should be interesting to see if i get yelled at tomorrow also for whatever reasons. i'm watching the end of Apollo 13. i really like this movie. for now, goodnight.