The point?
Yes, the last thought got it's own entry because I found it that amusing. ANYWAY, I figure I should actually get to the point of this entry and tell everyone why I made this journal. I use the term "everyone" loosely, seeing as how I'm sure I probably won't be attracting that many viewers. Which sucks, because my page is awesome. XD

I made it because, while I liked my last journal, it was missing something. It was too predictable. There were several people I knew in the real world who had the link to it, so therefore I naturally found myself using discretion about what I posted.

Obviously if my boyfriend has a link to my journal, I'm not going to post "MY BOYFRIEND IS A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!" as an entry title. o.o

So yes, I decided to get myself a new journal where I can remain anonymous. Woohoo!

Let's face it. Everyone could use a place where they can come and just rant and bitch to their heart's content, without actually having to put others through listening to it. It's like therapy.

And trust me, at this point in my life, I could really use it.

On top of that, I wanted somewhere where I could be who I want to be, and not necessarily who I am. Of course all the thoughts transposed here are my own. Otherwise, what would be the point of having a journal?

What I mean by that is that the real world tends to limit me from being what I want to be. It's not the world's fault, it's mine.

I'm nowhere near as outspoken as I'd like to be, unless I'm talking to somebody I know well. I don't tend to stand out as much as I'd like to either. I'm very plain. Inside my head, I'm very eccentric, but it just doesn't come through on the outside. Other people tend to have very bright and strong personalities, and I just seem to come across as dull if you don't know me.

You know why? It's because I always land in the shades of gray. I don't seem to have a solid viewpoint on anything. It's not that I don't have an opinion, it's just that I can easily see things from many different perspectives. I see things that I like and dislike about opposing sides of a situation, and then form my own little inbetween third party.

But I'm sick of being quiet. I'm sick of fading into the background. And I plan to do something about it. I've already realized lately that I seem to be more outgoing than I used to be. I used to be completely content with just sitting around at home, playing games or watching movies, hanging out with my family, but now I find that if I don't get out enough, I tend to go crazy.

I currently only have about three true friends, and by true friends, I mean people that I actually talk to and hang out with. There are a few other friends I consider true as well, but due to circumstances, we can't actually hang out and whatnot. These would be the people like Jenny and Randy. I love them both to pieces, but they're half way across the country. Hell, Randy isn't even in the country. Damn Canadian! xD

But yes, the three.

There's John, because there's always John. John's house is pretty much my house away from home. I can go there most of the time to escape my house, and we do anything from playing video games to watching documentaries on the universe. It's pretty rockin'.

There's Tawny, because she's like the little sister I never had. Like, seriously, I wish she was my sister. We go on the most RANDOM adventures together, and they're freakin' epic. Hooray for getting lost and blowing out tires.

And lastly there's Mike. I don't think I go a day without texting Mike now, which is funny because we never really talked much before a few weeks ago. But there's a lot more to him then I ever thought there was. He's a pretty troubled guy. But he's also one of the nicest people I know, and he's so easy to get along with. Plus, we like taking random drives and getting lost. We need to take Tawny next time though! :P

So yes, those are the three people I actually hang out with on a regular basis, aside from my family. It's good, because most days my family can just drive me nuts.

ARGHHGHHH!!! THE FUCKING ENTER KEY IS A BITCH!! >.< Like... seriously. I have to lay on the fucking thing to get it to work. Wow, that was off topic...

I've also come to the conclusion that my boyfriend can really just be a moron. >.> Seriously. Hahaha! It's funny how much better of a mood I was in before he called. Now I'm on the phone with him and I'm just all pissy. I can't help it that he's being stupid. I wonder if he always has been, and if so, why didn't I notice it before? No, no, there are definitely things I love about him. Trust me, I'm crazy about him. But some days I just can't stand him. Today happens to be one of those days. Then again, I'm also PMSing. As if any of you needed to know that. >.>

On another random note, why are men pigs? And no, I don't mean all men. There are two very different sides of my mind: The rational side and the emotional side. The rational side has come to the realization that everybody looks at other people, even if they're in a committed relationship.

It's human nature. I do it. I don't think about actually BEING with someone else, and I don't think about anyone else sexually or anything, but I look and I have no problem noting that I find another man attractive. Hell, I have no problem admitting that I find a woman attractive either.

But then the emotional side kicks in, and if I think about my boyfiend doing that or something along those lines, it hurts. I know that it's hypocritical because I do the same thing, and everyone does it, etc. If he wanted something else, he wouldn't be with me. I know that as well. But for some reason, he just has this ability to make me hurt more than anyone else has ever had. I've gotten better with keeping it under control and I usually just try to laugh it off or something, but it hurts.

Luckily, the man I'm with doesn't look at other woman objectively. He sees everyone the same, just as people. I have a massive respect for him for that. I know for a fact that he doesn't look at other woman like that, or doesn't think about them the way he thinks about me. And my sister fucking pisses me off, because all she can keep telling me is that all men look at and think about other women, that they just wouldn't admit that.

Trust me, I'm not naiive. I KNOW that's the case with most men. But I also know that I know my boyfriend more than she ever will, and he's a very genuine and honest guy, to a fault. If he did do that, trust me, he would have blurted it out by now. He tends to be very insensitive on those kinds of matter. He doesn't think before he speaks, so it just ends up like a smack in my face. :D But if there's one thing I give him credit for, it's that he's not a shady character in the least, so that's good.

Wow. I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to go off and rant about that for such a long time. xD

I'm also massively bipolar. :D

God, I don't even remember all of what I was ranting about now, but what I do know is that I want to make myself a list of goals and keep up with them. And I plan on doing that, but it's going to have to wait until I get some sleep. My brain is on the verge of dead.

Go watch the first episode of season 3 of The Guild. Now. xD

I shall return, and hopefully with more comprehendable thoughts and sentences. Signing off!

~ Squallet

leave a comment