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squallet

:: 2011 25 February :: 12.44am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Oblivion" by Entwine

I'm so stupid it kills me sometimes...
I feel about five years older just since my last Woohu entry. >.> Maybe it's just that I'm becoming a lot more realistic and bitter towards people. xD Life lately has been nothing but school, friends, and sleep. No complaints though.

That dumb romantic side of me still seems to be lacking, but I'll live. No man ever seems to live up to my standards anyway. Is it too much to ask for a man to NOT be a compete tool? Just curious. o__o

I had a random shitty dream last night. It threw me off for the entire day. It was actually about an ex of mine, so it's had me a little worried. When I dream about bad things, sometimes they tend to happen. :\ So far, I've never had any tragic bad dreams. It's usually just relationship issues. xD

I feel like a complete 180 from my last entry. >.>; I'm like "Really? I was counting on that? I got my hopes up? Why?" x.x;; *shakes head*

I've made some awesome new friends, namely the people I'm rooming with for Colossalcon. :3 I've accepted that at least if I'm going to be single for life, at least I'll have cool friends. XD I'm in a very instrumental soundtrack mood right now... o.o

Okay, so something amusing happened today. Said person who I once cared for, well, his brother said something stupid. I just shrugged it off; it didn't really bother me. Actually, what bugged me was that his brother noted my existence more than he did. >.>;

Tell me then why he felt the need to apologize for what his brother said? Seriously? You haven't even been talking to me. Don't act like you care when clearly I've already accepted that you don't. Face it. I could cease to exist and you wouldn't even notice. Everything else in your life is so GOD DAMN important, and I am SHIT.

Bottom line? You're not worth my time.

Which makes it all the more aggravating that it still bothered me. >.> Sure. Go ahead. Tug the heartstrings. Call me that nickname you haven't called me in months. :\ Make me think you MIGHT actually give a fuck. You don't, so don't act like it.

Here's the deal. If you care, fucking say so, and then ACT like it. If not, don't waste my fucking time. I don't have the time or the patience for games anymore.

Man, this is the longest I've been single in a long time. It's made me really see how tired I am of the 'game'. I just want a kind man with good intentions. Really, that's honestly all I ask for. If a man's intentions are good, most other positive qualities follow.

I want someone who actually fits with me and is like my missing puzzle piece. I've never found that guy who compliments me well. You know, that relationship where people look at you two and go "you were made for each other". I know very few couples like this, but I consider them very lucky. I would give anything for that kind of relationship.

I guess that's why I'm very picky now. Now that I'm single, I can step back and look at people objectively. If I don't see that kind of potential, I'm not going to waste my time and energy on it. Oh GOD. Now I'm starting to sound like Mike. Fml. Seriously.

Is it so much to just ask that a guy genuinely care and show that he does? I'm sick of feeling like everyone's personal joke. Like, yeah, we get it. Some guy screwed me over and left me for someone who pretended to be my friend. Tee hee! It's funny! Joke's on me! I'm over it. What bothers me is that people are still fucking talking about it. It's old, people. Move on.

Now it just feels like everyone's against me. Okay, I'm exaggerating, and on top of it, I'm probably just being a little paranoid. I know there are a few people in my life who would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, and I'm thankful for them. I just wish I could find a romantic relationship like that too, where I knew I could actually put my trust in that person.

I want the kind of guy who does completely stupid guy-like things and irritates the crap out of me sometimes, but then does something incredibly cute that he reminds me why I care about him. A guy who calls me or leaves me a message just because he was thinking about me and missed me. A guy who feels himself in just a t-shirt and a pair of beat up jeans, who may not have a dime to his name but will sure as hell walk across town to see me if he had to. Hell, if my dad could do it for my mom, some guy can do it for me too. I could care less if we bicker to no end, as long as at the end of the day, he can still give me a big hug and tell me he loves me all the same and nothing will change that. More than anything, I want a guy who knows what he wants and won't say or do things just to please me. Be REAL and be YOU. If it means we fight, then we fight. Stand your ground with me and I'll love you. ♥

The funny thing is that no matter how much that kind of relationship is what I want most, I'm not doing anything about it. Could I? Yeah. Is it worth dealing with? Not at this point. What's the point in asking out some random guys that I'm really not all that into? Admittedly, they're nice guys, we have common interests, they're attractive, and we might be compatible. But I guess they just don't put that same little spark in me that I felt before.

I seriously can't stand this kid anymore. Alright, I know he's a few years older than me, but I'm going to call him a kid, because that's just how I roll. I was finally accepting that he doesn't give a fuck, and was dealing with it, not thinking about him on a daily basis anymore, etc. Now I'm over-analyzing things again.

Somehow, despite the "I can't stand him" thing, I saw it as "Wow, for once, a guy is kind of defending my honor", something none of my past boyfriends really did. >.>; So I got to thinking "Isn't that something you do when you care about someone?" My heart feels so foreign to the concept of caring anymore. xD

Then those STUPID feelings came back. How is it I can spend weeks, even MONTHS trying to bury them, and they just come back up with ONE simple comment?! >.< Feelings are stupid. Out of nowhere, I had butterflies in my stomach, my heart squeezed like a fucking sponge, I had goosebumps and shivers, and a little spark was put back in me. Why him?! Is this God's idea of a joke? Because honestly, that's the only conclusion I can come to. o__o Those two words seem to be resounding in my mind. Why... him... Fuck this intuitive crap. It's really starting to piss me off.

Thinking about the possibility makes me feel a bit more like my old self, which is a nice break from the bitter realist I've been lately, but still. It's probably just false hope. Uh oh, my realist is showing again. ;D

I wish he'd just call me. Say hey. Ask how my day is going. Suggest that we just hang out or something. I'm not initiating anymore. I've tried striking up conversation, asking him to hang out. I've done my part, I've showed my interest. It's not my turn anymore. It's like a game. You can't play chess on your own. He says he doesn't play the emotions game. Well, I hate to say it, but life is one big game. It's just a matter of enjoying it, and winning it in your own sense.

I'm just waiting for checkmate. One of us is going down. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be me. The funny part? I won't be the loser. I guess in this case, to win is to lose, and to lose is to win. You can't gain anything without letting your guard down and taking a chance. If you keep up your walls, you're just going to lose. This entire paragraph has been what happens when my brain shuts off and I just keep babble-typing.

Then again, it's hard to think coherently when I have Hatebreed screaming "destory everything!!!!" in my ear. *shrug*

Well, this journal entry has served its purpose. I'm a lot more chill now that I've ranted, so all is good. Alright, all isn't good, but it's a start.

I'm tired, and I have a ton of crap to do before leaving town tomorrow. I'm going to go take a nap. Yes, a nap, because I'm going to wake up at 5 AM and get back to work on this shit I need to do. Here's hoping that this guy can eventually grow up and quit being such a fucking toolbag. I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know.

Later.

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squallet

:: 2011 25 January :: 2.48am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "The Lovers Are Losing" by Keane

I think the music works as a subject... o.o

So, I was pleasantly surprised actually.
He didn't break our plans, and we hung out and had a good time.
I just wish I knew why I came home and still ended up crying. :\
I didn't even want to be home. I just sat in the hallway for a good ten minutes.

I have options, really I do. But none of them interest me.
No matter what, I find my mind wandering back to him.
I guess my heart's made up my mind for me.
Until he's ready, love isn't an option for me.
I'm not the waiting kind, so I wish he could see that that means he's special to me.
As if my opinion matters. x3

Everyone seems to say, "Give it time. He'll come around."
I just wish he'd open up and let me inside like he did before.
At least if he'd talk to me about how he felt, I'd know.
I hate the uncertainty of everything.
Keeping me on edge much?
Jerk. xD

I actually went out afterward with an old friend I haven't seen in YEARS!
We managed to make it downtown and back in less than half an hour. xD
It actually put me in a much better mood too. :P

So here's hoping that things get better with time.
I don't mind the wait; It's the uncertainty that drives me crazy.
But, I guess that's the risk I'm taking.
I hope he's worth it. ♥

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squallet

:: 2011 24 January :: 6.45pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Blind" by Lifehouse

So where else do I turn?
To Woohu of course.
I really don't have much to say honestly.
My heart just feels really heavy right now.
My stomach keeps turning and my eyes keep looking at the clock.
Why am I so worried? I wish I knew.
I know I said I wouldn't get my hopes up this time. But I can't help it.
I know there's more than meets the eye.
... like Transformers. o__o
Well, here's to getting all dressed up for nothing. -raises invisible glass-
Who knows? Maybe it'll be different this time.

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squallet

:: 2011 10 January :: 6.45am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: "Made of Metal" by Dream Evil

This proper sleeping schedule is weird to me.
So it's 6:47 AM and I'm wide awake.
Why? Because I went to bed at about 7 PM last night.
Wtf is up with that? XD

I'm working on a new playlist.
I've been in a very metal mood lately.
Therefore, for a while, I'll probably put it up here.

There's one more week of winter break left.
I don't know if I'm dreading school or looking forward to it.
I'm looking forward to having something to do during the day.
I'm not looking forward to going back to school for something I don't want to do.

I only have one more semester left until I get this degree.
But after thinking about it, I've decided I want to completely change my career path.
Fucking brilliant, no?
I've been wondering for a while why the hell I'm in a design field.
I'm not that creative.
Yes, I have talent, but my creativity is limited. xD

Also, I have to laugh at my last entry.
I can't believe I actually really fangirled that much. ^ ^;
It turns out he pretty much tries to respond to everyone.
I think that's really awesome of him. :3

I really don't know what else to rant about.
I've kind of given up on the one person I really cared for romantically.
Ok, secretly I haven't, but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I have.
Sure, I have the perfect little daydream of how I wish things would unfold.
But I'm not really counting on that coming true.

I guess that's the risk you take with having hope.
But what's life without hope, right?
I may seem cynical at times, but the truth is, I'm fairly optimistic.
You have to be in this world.
In truth, I can find the light side in just about the darkest times.
Yeah, I believe in this silly thing called love.
As long as the world has some left, there's always hope. ♥

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squallet

:: 2011 1 January :: 8.39am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: "I Can't Read You" by Daniel Bedingfield

SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!
8:23 AM on January 1st, 2011.
Daniel Bedingfield responded to me on Facebook!!
Yeah, so I'm having a minor fangirl moment, sue me! :P
Can you blame me?! I've adored his music since MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!
So... I'm officially super giggly and happy!!
What a way to break in the new year!! ♥

It's actually quite funny because I'm not the type to fangirl like that.
But he responded "thank you darling" to my wishing him a happy New Year's.
And I admit it. I squeed. Like... a genuine "SQUEEE!!"
Thus, this entry being titled "SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!"
*ahem!!*

Carrying on with the rest of my day now. ^^;;
And... eating Froot Loops.
2011 is looking pretty good right about now. xD

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squallet

:: 2010 27 December :: 4.19am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "Frozen" by Delain

I never thought of picket fences...
Only a lifelong friend.
I thought of comfort and warmth.
Lifelong happiness between two friends.
That's the future I thought of when I thought of you.
No flowing gowns or white picket fences.
Just abundant smiles and laughter.
Walks in the park and snowball wars.
A best friend to just share everything with.
But now it seems just an empty, childish dream.
Soon you'll be gone, just like the rest.
And I don't even know what to think anymore.
You truly are one of a kind.
And somehow, you stole my heart.
Keep it. I can't think of anyone I'd trust with it more.
All I wish is for you to be happy.
And I wish that I could make you smile every day.
That's all I want...
So please, don't choose solitude...
Your heart's too precious to just keep locked away...

I'll never push you again.
I want the decision to be yours alone.
And if that time ever comes, I'll be here. <3

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squallet

:: 2010 23 December :: 8.08pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "From That Point On" by Revis

Meh. Yes, meh. xD
I hate to say it, but Mike's probably right.
We have all our lives.
I think I'm just used to people coming and going in life.
Having someone who plans on sticking around is a new concept for me. o.-

What I do know for sure is that I really want to get to know him better.
Also, that I won't just up and walk away from things.
I plan on being there for him and being a lifelong friend.

I've realized that's what I want in the long run anyway.
Sure, I'd love to build a relationship with him one day.
But what good is it without a good friendship as the foundation?
We did take things too fast, and I have a problem with doing that a lot.
I appreciate that he's shown me that, and helped me overcome it.

Actually, this is the best I've felt in a really long time.
For once, I feel like me and him are sort of on the same page. :]
It's good to know that he's going to stick around through thick and thin. :D
Psst. Between you and me Woohu, I don't see things not working out between us one day.
But shhhh, don't tell him that. ;3
That day doesn't have to be any day soon though, and I'm okay with that.

I've gotten some great writing material out of the past few weeks btw.
And me and John have some new music in the works. :]
I'm super excited to record a new original piece, and with my new studio quality microphone! :D
Wow... this good is much needed after the past week.

Oh, and I realized that I enjoy playing Smackdown vs. Raw... XD
I never thought I would, but I do.
I got to bring my fictional characters to life as wrestlers.
It's pretty nerdy and awesome, all at once. :3

Btw... Revis totally needs to have a show in Cleveland.
Just saying. ;D

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squallet

:: 2010 20 December :: 6.13pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Karmaway" by Taproot

So...
I hate that every time I see your picture, my heart skips a little.
Stupid heart.
You're so useless.
Man, I really need to stop with this self-pity. xD
Don't be fooled though, I'm actually in a relatively good mood.
Just a little emotional/mushy. :3
Looking forward to seeing Mike later this week... I hope. ^^

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squallet

:: 2010 17 December :: 10.30pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Bad Habit" by The Offspring

I give up.
People are a fucking constant disappointment.
I'm so sick of this unreliable bullshit.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm just fucking done with people.

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oceanchild

:: 2010 16 December :: 11.34am

Have I really not used this journal since August? o_O

Not much has changed since then, to be honest. Hachi is much larger. I've been working as an intern for Leucrota Press, which is neat, and although the internship officially ends on December 31, it may be extended until March. I write blog posts every week for them here:

Leucrota Press blog

Nathan still lives in the Bay Area. I'm still in Sacramento. It's still trying at times, though I look forward to the winter break, when we'll be able to spend more time together.

I joined the West Sac community orchestra in September, and we just finished up our set of Christmas concerts. It's so fun to be playing with a group again, and there must be something about the horn that draws in really entertaining people, because all the horn players I've ever known have been hilarious. I'm currently the third horn in the orchestra, and get to hear witty commentary from the first and second all rehearsal long.

I guess more has changed than I thought.

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squallet

:: 2010 15 December :: 10.13pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: "Anywhere" by Evanescence

You know what?
The more I talk to you, the more you seem to drive me crazy.
But then I realize, it's only because of how much I must like you.
And then I kind of have to just laugh about it all.
They say good things come to those who wait.
Well, it officially looks like I'm waiting.
I'd be lying if I said I was 100% over my ex.
But that doesn't mean that my feelings for you aren't genuine.
It kind of hurts that you must probably think that.
Whatever it takes, I'll prove that I'm in it for you.
Every day you push my nerves a little bit, but that's okay.
You know why?
Because it's still you I daydream about before falling asleep at night.
There's so much to learn and so much to teach.
You make me look forward to every day of getting to know you better.
Even if you do just piss me off sometimes. :P
I know it'll probably take a while, but I'll deal with it.
I can't wait for the day your drop your guard with me again.
I miss that sweet, softer side of you that you let me see before.
I just hope that one day you'll show that side to me again.
Until then, I'll just have to show you that I won't give up on you.
I won't just run away.
I'm here for the long run.
Care to join me? :3

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squallet

:: 2010 14 December :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Wasting My Time" by Default

It's freakin' cold up in this bitch.
Yep, I actually just used that sentence. xD

I honestly don't know what the hell I'm writing in my journal for right now.
I don't have anything super interesting to write about...
Yesterday was my last day for Professional Practices.
My client interview actually went a lot better than I expected it to.
I even had to go last, after everyone else, and apparently, I still did really well. :]
That was honestly what I was probably most stressed about, so I'm glad it's over.

Just 3 more classes until I'm out for winter break!! :]
My final is done for animation, and my final for digital video is almost done.
Just gotta finish that up by Thursday, and I'm all set.
I'm really pleased with the work I finished too. I actually pushed myself and did some new things.
I think I'm going to have a slight addiction to Flash now. xD

I'm actually fairly genuinely happy today.
Not sure exactly why, but I just hope it lasts.
ColossalCon 9.5 is this weekend!!
And I just realized... I don't even have any glowsticks...
Or anything to wear...
THRIFT STORE HERE I COME!!!
That sounds like a good game plan for today!! :]

Well... it would be a good plan... if my money were actually in my bank account... o.o
Looks like I'm going to have to bum some money off of my dad until it shows up in my bank.
Work says my direct deposit is set up... now I just need to get my damn money in my bank... o.o;;

Okay, so I'm in one of those moods where I just keep listening to love-ish songs.
What the hell is up with this random girly mood?! xD
Hmm, oh well. I like it. :3

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squallet

:: 2010 12 December :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "The Stranger" by A Perfect Circle

What am I to do with all this silence?
My last entry was rather angsty, wasn't it? o.o
Bah, oh well. It's how I felt last night.
Today feels a little better. Not by much, but I'll take it.

I'm actually rather impressed with how focused I've been.
Most of my final projects are just about done.
My Flash site is almost finished. I just need to get the external links in.
My PSA for my video class is almost finished. It just needs a little more work.
I still have to do my website mock up for Media Design.
And prepare for my Professional Practices presentation tomorrow.
But other than that, I'm pretty good. :3

I still feel like I could cease to exist and most people wouldn't notice.
I wish Jenny were here so damn much!
Then we could get an apartment together and be full of epic win. xD

I'm still pretty sure I'm just giving up on the idea of romance.
It's only been 2 damn weeks and it seems like that little spark fizzled out.
We used to talk for hours on end, now I'm lucky to hear a few words a day.

I blame Michael. >.>
It's like I got used to being a certain way with him that now it's screwing things up.
Like, I got to the point where I was afraid to talk about how I felt.
I avoided bringing things up if they were bothering me to avoid conflict.
I got so used to US, I forgot about ME.
It's hard trying to remember who I am these days.
God, that sounds horrible. o.o;

Those first few days of talking to Mike was the most I felt like the old me in a long time.
It just felt right.
I know I need to talk to him about all these things...
I used to be so open and able to talk about how I felt.
I was never afraid of conflict before...
When did I turn into this little insecure, fearful child?

Somewhere along the lines, it was drilled into my head that I was a controlling bitch.
That I was too clingy, that I was too available, that I had to let him come to me.
I was never afraid to be the one to pick up the phone and call someone.
Now I just feel like they'll think I'm a bother, that I'm nagging them, etc.

You know what?
I'm not going to let him have that power over me anymore.
I may stumble, but I'll learn to walk on my own again.
He doesn't deserve that control over my life.
I'm not going to let this ruin what could be something great.

Gotta move on with my own life.
Those who don't want to be a part of it, move along.
Nothing to see here.

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squallet

:: 2010 11 December :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "It's Been Awhile" by Staind

Falling for someone...
It really sucks... >.>
I think I'm giving up on romance.

I found myself looking at old pictures of me and Michael the other day.
I came across one of us kissing.
I tilted my head and looked at it inquisitively.
I felt nothing.
I honestly don't remember how to feel anymore.

I looked at it and tried to remember how it feels to feel loved.
How it feels to completely love and trust someone with all your heart.
I just couldn't remember that feeling at all.
I wasn't sad. I wasn't depressed. I just WAS.
Am I doomed to just exist without really living?
Or at least without loving?

I've already ruined things with Mike.
I took things too fast, fell too hard too soon.
I almost thought that I just fell for the THOUGHT of him and not him.
But more and more I'm realizing that it really is him I fell for.
Yet I feel like I could completely cease to exist and he wouldn't notice.
Why do I even give a damn?

Just fuck it.
I don't even care anymore.

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squallet

:: 2010 8 December :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day

HOLY SHIT!!
That was awesome.
Go figure.
The music for my last entry was "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day.
I was listening to it somewhere else.
Then after I post it, I go look at my journal to make sure everything posted ok.
... So what should come on of all things, out of 200 songs?
"Give Me Novacaine".
Oh shit, that's amusing.
Love it.

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