There's beauty in the breakdown.

:: 2010 29 May :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "Eien no Setsuna" by ON/OFF

Woot!~ 5 days until ColossalCon!! :3
I just realized... I don't really have much to say. I just felt like actually updating my journal for once.

I just bought a cute pair of jean shorts from Wal-Mart for ten bucks! I went back down to a size 16, and it feels really good! :D

I also got my hair done last week, and it looks really cute! I'm back to being brunette, and I got it thinned since it's naturally so think. I think it looks LOADS better since I have layers again! :3

Poor Mike didn't get much sleep last night before work, so he's over here napping next to me. xD I'm probably just going to go play some WoW until he gets up. It's so nice to have a three day weekend off from work to actually enjoy! ^^

~ Squallet

:: 2010 10 May :: 6.41pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Futatsu No Kodou To Akai Tsumi" by ON/OFF

Hooray! I finally have a moment to breathe!
Hullo journal. Long time no see!

So, I feel like making an entry, purely because I found something rather amusing a minute ago.

Is it bad when you date someone for over a year, and yet you can't really remember any of it? Honestly, the only thing I can really remember about dating Jim was a lot of arguing. Let's face it, we were NEVER compatible. xD

Dating Michael on the other hand, well, I'm just so much happier. He's my lover and my best friend all wrapped up into one. The best part is that we don't really fight with each other much, we just bitch a lot. It's so drastically different from where I was a year ago!

Despite Michael's undeniable awesomeness, I've been a tad bit more depressed lately than usual. I'd like to think it's because of always being busy with school and a crappy job.

Tomorrow's my last final, and it's going to be extremely easy, so my mind is pretty much already in summer mode. After being done with today, I can already tell that I'm so much more relaxed and happy. In fact, after I post this, I'll probably take a nap. XD

So in the past few days, I've lost almost ten pounds, purely because I've actually been too busy to really eat much of anything. Even today I haven't touched one bite of food, and despite my stomach's constant growls, I think I'm just going to get some rest instead of eating, even if I am extremely hungry.

Sigh. I don't want to end up anorexic, but it just seems like if I even look at food, I keep weight on. Since summer's starting this week, I plan on definitely putting more time into working out.

I've pretty much stopped eating out and for the most part I just try to buy healthy-ish foods that I can prepare easily. I don't have my own kitchen, so when I actually get to use it, I have to make whatever I'm making quick. >.>

I really need to start shopping at Wal-Mart first though instead of just getting everything from Giant Eagle. Wal-Mart definitely has better prices. Just buying stuff for a spaghetti dinner, salad stuff for the week, and a few other things was almost $40. Sigh. I need a better job. Minimum wage isn't going to be good enough forever. >>;

On another topic, just less than a month until Colossal Con at Kalahari water resort! Woot! I can't freakin' wait!! A whole nerdy weekend getaway with my hubby to celebrate the beginning of summer! It'll be great to just get to relax and enjoy some nerdishness with him. We haven't really had time to do anything fun lately. Trust me, this is the closest to a luxury cruise that I'll probably ever get. XD

4 days til payday... I really want to go shopping... I want to get more groceries and I really feel the urge to buy myself something cute... I need a female friend to hang out with. I don't seem to have any of those lately. Jenny needs to freakin' get back up to Ohio. :3

On a random side note, I miss my long hair today. :<

Well, I've vented enough for now, and I'm feeling hungry/tired, so I'm off to get that nap. :P

~ Squallet

:: 2010 18 April :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: gloomy

Friends
My mom and I were talking recently about my social life. She told me she worries I'm too isolated. That I've always enjoyed having a best girl friend, and now I don't (most of my good friends, and all of my local friends, are guys these days). That I don't even really have any friends my own age, who are interested in doing the same things that I am.

I protested that she needn't worry. I don't feel isolated because I'm constantly connected to my friends via the internet. If I want company, all I need to do is send an IM or an e-mail. And since Dria, I've consciously avoided defining a Best Friend. That's never worked out well for me...for some reason I always end up with jealous and possessive Best Friends. The situation with Dria blew up badly enough that I washed my hands of having a singular best friend completely...it's better to have a small number of really close friends without playing favorites, and I do have that, even if they live hours away in different directions.

I do feel isolated, though. In the days since our conversation, the things she said have stuck with me, and I realized they're true. I find myself missing Sasha and Adi a lot lately. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my male friends, but I want some Girl Talk occasionally and I don't really get it anymore.

The internet is also not the answer to everything, like I made it sound. Most of the time my best friends aren't online. Even my boyfriend--everyone's busy with their own real lives (I do not resent this). And IMing, while nice and low-key, is not the same as hanging out in person, even when they are signed on.

Finally, there's only one friend I have in town that I feel really close to, and I never see him one-on-one. I hang out with him and his crowd regularly, but I don't really fit in with them. They're so different from me...it's not that they're unwelcoming (much the opposite), just that they've all known each other for years...they have their own shared jokes and interests. Since I can't participate in that, I can't help but feel like an outsider. Sometimes seeing them makes me feel even lonelier than being alone does.

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:: 2010 17 April :: 8.22am

My mom asked me yesterday if I wanted to go on a bird watching walk with her this morning. I said no, because today was the first day I've had to sleep in in two weeks. It will be the last day I have to sleep in for another week.

First, my mom came in and woke me up to ask why I wasn't getting ready for the bird walk; she had forgotten I said no. Then the damn dog started barking and wouldn't shut up. And now my sister and her boyfriend are having loud sex. It is 8:30. I went to bed after midnight last night because I was anticipating a nice leisurely morning.

I am beyond pissed off.

:: 2010 10 April :: 11.18am

The Read-a-thon has commenced
I got up at 5:00 this morning to begin reading. (The times are staggered based on time zones, so that everyone in the world starts reading at the same moment. Pacific time's prescribed start was 5:00am.) I finished two books before needing to head to work. Once I get home, the reading will continue--and it's so quiet in the office right now that I might pull out The Flying Carpet and have at it.

All the chronicling will be going on at my other journal, phoenicis.livejournal.com. Check it out if you want to find out what literary shenanigans I am getting up to. =)

:: 2010 8 April :: 8.40pm

Fud
I've been sick since last Friday night. Possibly a strange and prolonged response to some crab I had...the past several times I've eaten crab I've also ended up sick, though not nearly this bad. Sadness, because the reason I go to my favorite sushi place is to get two of their special crab rolls.

Went to the doctor today and got a prescription for anti-nausea medication. It's so nice to be eating real food again. I lost 10 pounds in the past 5 days. Whoa, and also not cool.

:: 2010 2 April :: 2.43pm

24-hour Read-a-thon
I'm gearing up for the 24-hour Read-a-thon, which takes place next Saturday. Today I went to the new West Sac library, which has a distressingly small collection. I got four of the books on my long list, and ordered several of the others from the Davis branch.

What I'll be reading on the big day follows after the link...
Read more..

:: 2010 22 March :: 3.11pm
:: Mood: amused

NPR
I listen to NPR on the way to work in the mornings. Today, unsurprisingly, the big buzz was the health care bill. Part of the story covered some anti-bill protests that went on over the past several weeks. They asked one of the anti-bill protestors for a comment, and what he said was:

"I'm afraid that if they pass this bill, it will be the end of health care as we know it."

Well, duh.

:: 2010 7 March :: 7.23pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Justify" by The Rasmus

Meh.
I wish I knew how to be just as fake as some of these people out there.
It must be easy to lie just to fit in with others.
How well do you think they study their roles?

I have such bad freakin' social anxiety.
Anytime I have to be around people I don't know, I just get extremely uncomfortable.
It's not so bad just going somewhere public because then I don't have to talk to people.
But if I have to be around my boyfriend's family, I get SO anxious. It's horrible.
I hate being the center of attention.
I just wish more people were understanding of my issues.
They act like I don't want to be a part of their life or something.
I'm just not comfortable with those kinds of situations.
My stomach turns into knots, I fumble around with things, I shake a little.
It's just not a good place for me to be.
It's so depressing.

And yet, all I want is to have people to hang out and have a good time with.
Just a few more close friends would be nice.
People I was comfortable with, so there wouldn't be any nervous tension.

I'm never good enough for anybody...
Do they just want me to be a doll? A puppet?
Something that can be everything they want me to be?
I'll never be one of those fake people.
So get over it. >.>

~Squallet

:: 2010 22 February :: 10.35pm
:: Mood: frustrated

ded
It always makes me sad when one of my computers gives up the ghost, and tonight the one that did was my main computer, the one I bought while I was in Germany. Fortunately I saw it coming and was able to save my documents and important things, but it's frustrating. So much of my life is invested in these silly, fallible machines.

I hope that my uncle can help me fix it.

:: 2010 6 February :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: Does "absolutely horrible" count as a mood?
:: Music: "Dear Agony" by Breaking Benjamin

So much for a decent day.
There's nothing I'd love more right now than to rip someone's face off. o.o
Erghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!1!!1111!!!1!
Yeah, that about sums it up.

I don't want to see him at ALL right now.
I'm feel so... well... every bad feeling you can think of...

Fuck.
I REALLY don't want to see him... :'<

Oh, and for the record, Matt randomly called me at 4:00 AM.
And texted me this morning because he wanted to know if I was okay.
Wow. One would actually think he cared. :\

Sigh.
Why does everything suck so much today?

~ Squallet

:: 2010 5 February :: 1.18am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: "Last To Know" by Three Days Grace

Matt is a fucking douchebag.
Yeah, there's NO way of trying to put that nicely.
He seriously needs to grow a fucking pair.
That is all.

No wait, I lied.
I feel like ranting just a bit more.
I'm not sure what about yet.
Let's just see what comes out of my head.

I have class at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning.
It's going on 1:30 AM now.
I can't freakin' sleep.
I hate nights like this when thinking and feeling keeps me awake.

Thinking about Matt is making me sick to my stomach right now, honestly.

I shouldn't even give a shit, but damn, I'm only human.
I have a hard time not caring about anyone who I used to care a lot about.
Hell, even people who've moved on and could give a shit less about me.
It's pretty fucking sad.

I just need to go into my little apathetic bubble. >.>

So yeah.
He called me the other day while I was at Mike's house.
He starts talking to me all normal and nice, just asking how I am, etc.
We converse normally for a few minutes.
I ask him where he's been and why he hasn't been responding my texts and whatnot.
He tells me he has me blocked on everything, including my phone number blocked.
So, he doesn't even GET my texts now. >.>
Then I ask why he's calling to talk if he has me blocked on everything.
He says he's calling to say goodbye.
He claims I "had my chance" to have him back. o.o
He tells me that she and him are back together.

I sort of laugh it off and tell him that I'm used to his routine by now.
One day he hates me. One day he loves me.
He wants me in his life. He doesn't.
He's with her. He's not.
Wtf?

I really just can't stand his ass anymore.
He tells me "Fine, take it as a joke if you want."
I tell him that I'm not, I just know how this whole damn cycle goes.
He says that he can assure me that was the last time I'd ever talk to him.

...

HAHAHAHA!!! As if I've never heard that one before!!
So I say, "Yeah, you know, until you decide to leave her again."
God knows that every time he does, he has to come whining to someone.
And I'm the only real friend he's had in a long time.
So what then, m'dear? o.o

It just astounds me.
How the HELL does one date someone they can't stand? O.O
Like, all he did was complain about how he can't stand her.
He doesn't love her in the slightest.
Like, is he really that pathetic that he needs to justify his existance through a relationship?

God, get some self worth. Please. >.>
It's just fucking pathetic.

So, that was about it. We said bye and hung up.
I rushed off to Mike's bathroom and collapsed on the floor crying.
Go figure.

I came out and Mike hugged me because he knows how much shit Matt's put me through.
All I asked him through tears was "Did I at least sound strong?"
The last thing Matt deserves is to know that he hurt me yet again, like no one else knows how to.

If nothing else, at least I can act like I don't care.
I probably beat myself up over it for the rest of the day.
I thought, well hey, maybe I should have let myself be vulnerable.

My GOD, he's so manipulative.
He has to hurt me on purpose just to test me, to see if I care.
If he doesn't know that I do by now, then he's just fucking stupid.

I'm sorry if I'm just not so eager to date someone who would settle for the next best thing. o.o

Who does he love? Me.
Who could he come to for anything? Me.
Who was there for him, even after ALL the bullshit he pulled? Me.

I'm done.
You know how many times I had to look like a dumb fuck because I told someone I'd forgiven him AGAIN?
That I'd given him YET ANOTHER CHANCE after he fucked me over?
That I had to try to DEFEND the ONE person who's put me through more HELL than ANYONE?!

Yes... I'm using caps now. o.o

I'm just sick of looking like a desperate, poor, pathetic, naiive, gullible, stupid, walked-all-over moron.

Here. Let's have a little example.

Me: Matt wanted me to tell you he says hi.
John: You guys are talking again?
Me: Yeah, we have been since he broke up with her.
John: *sigh*
Me: I know. But it's just hard when you care about someone so much. You want to believe that that good side of them is still in there.
John: *gives me that look*
Me: Oh come on. I'm sure if you cared so much about someone, you'd forgive them for fucking you over.
John: No, not really.

No one wants to have to be in that situation where we care a lot about such an asshole.
I was just unfortunate enough to genuinely care for him.
What a waste.

Bottom line is that I'm not just about to give up a great relationship to run back to someone who:

1. Treated me like shit when he DID have me.
2. Treats me like shit when he DOESN'T have me.
3. Would settle for anything with a pulse that's willing to put out.

Is there a heart inside of him? Hm, perhaps.
I saw it once.
Even after all this, I'm still willing to say that he's my only ex that genuinely loved me.
Hell, he still does.
It's just too bad that love and hate have to be such closely linked emotions. >.>;

If given the choice, he'd without a doubt choose me over her every damn time.
How do I know this?
He's told me so. Numerous times.
Every time I told him that I still had feelings for him, he'd go on about how he'd leave her in a second to be with me again.
He would constantly tell me all the things he missed about me that he doesn't have with her.

Hell, he's been quoted as saying "If the status of our relationship was based on sex, it would be great. But sadly, that isn't enough."
Yeah... he pretty much just admitted that the only good thing about them was the sex. XD

It's just so aggravating to see someone be with someone just because they feel the need to have SOMEONE. ANYONE.
He was single for a whole... month? Less?
Could he REALLY not live with it for THAT long that he would just take her back?
Does he really feel THAT worthless that he needs someone there just to make him feel like he means something? o.o

That's just... sad.
Get a fucking hobby dude.

So basically, he's not basing his relationship on any kind of love whatsoever.
He may love me, but he'd settle for either of us.
And that's why in the end, as sad as I am over everything, as much as I still cry myself to sleep because of him, I'm glad I'm not with him.
I can't stand the manipulation, the senseless hate.
I can't take that anymore.

I deserve better than that.
I deserve someone who wouldn't settle for less.
I deserve someone who wants me, not just anybody.
I deserve someone who would fight for me, not just give up and find someone to meet his immediate needs.
I deserve someone who won't settle for a relationship without love.
Someone who isn't afraid of loving somebody else with everything they have.

Thank God for Michael.
I seriously think that he's heaven-sent some days.
Assuming I was getting all hypothetically religious and whatnot.
I mean, some days he just pisses me off to no end, but I love him. :P

*sigh*
I just REALLY needed to get this all down before I went crazy.
Now, back to trying to sleep. o.o
Night all!

~ Squallet

:: 2010 3 February :: 7.35pm

Light Ribbons
Every month we go to the bridge near CSUS to watch the full moon. The last time, which was a few days ago, all the lights on the bridge were out. The darkness made for good stargazing; we picked out several satellites as we loitered there, waiting for the moon to rise.

Just before the Snyders arrived, I saw a huge flock of birds flying extremely high overhead. There were two V's, lit from below, which merged and separated and merged, so that they looked like ribbons of white light billowing across the sky. It was breathtaking.

In other news, I am twenty-three years old as of yesterday.

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