A horrible day is worth seeing you smile at me when it's over.

Im hurting from bottling everything inside of me. But lately its like everything I say gets me in trouble. So I’ve been keeping everything to myself. I have bite marks on my tongue from things I should have said, but chose not to. Im dealing with so much regret and I don’t know what to do with it. I want to say what I want without it getting me in trouble. Just voice my opinions. It hurts taking everybodys input, and stopping myself from saying something that could be bad.


Im not sure whats going on in my mind, but its so damn confusing. Im so lost in love. Okay not so much lost but scared. Scared to death that one day I’ll wake up and it wont be there. Afraid that one day he’s going to realize just how amazing he really is.

Theres just some things that he does that make me think this. Theres so much that I don’t know about his life. I don’t know his whole family. I don’t know his deep secrets, I don’t even know what makes him happy, or what’s on his mind and it DRIVES ME EFFING CRAZY !!!.
Arguing is natural. But sometimes I think he does it intentionally. He gets upset and doesn’t talk to or look at me. I wish he wouldn’t spend all of his time hanging onto his pride hesitating and procrastinating about a risk that would be so worth taking. Like letting me know that im important enough to just give up the fight that will get us nowhere anyways. Everything I go through - tears upon tears of not knowing what hes thinking and what he wants. I’ll admit, I get upset my fair share.
Sometimes I just get worried that hes going to move on to bigger and better things. Just knowing that I get to him is what keeps me going. Just to see him smile at me after a long day, and know that hes happy, that hes truly happy to see me, makes me feel so blessed. So incredibly blessed that of all the people in this world, he allowed me to walk into his life and he allowed me to love him.
We talk about all these plans of the future and what will happen. But its hard to think of that when its hard going through the present. I want to live in the moment. In this moment. The future will still be ahead of us, waiting for us.
I want to let fate take care of everything. Have everything be spur of the moment. It’s the little things in life that count. I want to live for the moments that I cant put into words. I want to live my life, knowing that he loves me more than anything. He tells me this often.
But sometimes, its more than words. Sometimes, I can just… feel it. Its like sometimes when he looks at me, everything in the world stops until he blinks. Then reality comes back and everythings changed. Its like for that moment,
we connected in a way that nobody else ever has.

Dan - I love you so much and theres no way possible that i could ever explain it .. the only thing i can do is just tell you everyday that i love you and hope that you know exactly what i mean. Hoping you'll understand because you feel the same way. <3

"When it rains, It pours".

Jordan, your an effing genius. When I saw that you wrote that, it made me wanna cry. Within the last 3-5 days, reality has been kicking my ass. This isnt a perfect world, nobody's life is perfect, and fyi-


IM NOT PERFECT!!!!

Im not even close. No where near close. It's hard to try when everybody around you is pressuring to do this and to do that, eventually assholes it all builds up. I just wish I could go a f***ing day without one person nagging me about one thing or another.

Can't someone just hold my hand and tell me that it will all be alright? You'd think he would... but I cant tell him these kind of things. He thinks everything over here is leave it to effing beaver.
Well, It's not.
These kind of problems are the kind that drive one to insanity.

I'm Going to the movies tonight to see the emily rose movie, with Dan!!!
I know ash i didnt believe it either, but he's going to suck it up and watch it with me *smiles*


I love you!