Life Is An Ever Changing Road

"She was who she once was, but not as I had known her."

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Life Is An Ever Changing Road

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:: 2010 19 January :: 8.06pm

Bands/artists I would like to see in concert soon-ish:

Eric Hutchinson (again)
Modest Mouse (again)
MGMT
Ben Kweller (again)
Passion Pit
Vampire Weekend
Beck
Death Cab for Cutie (again)
Regina Spektor
Matt and Kim
Phoenix
Franz Ferdinand
Ben Folds (again)
Mates of State
Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers (again)

2 laughs | smile

:: 2010 13 January :: 5.21pm

went tanning..spent too much money on cosmetics and hair items....i feel good! :P

:: 2010 10 January :: 7.42pm

Ok, is there a website like this?

I want a site where I can enter the names of bands that I like, and it will provide me with something like Google Reader where I can check ONE PLACE to see all of their upcoming shows, albums, etc.

I mean, I could just like, put parts of their websites in Google Reader but it seems so ineffective to sort through all the stuff I don't care about just to get a quick list of places/dates.

Ya'all are hooked up... any thoughts?

4 laughs | smile

:: 2010 10 January :: 6.44pm
:: Music: Barenaked Ladies- What a Good Boy

I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change...
When I was born they looked at me and said
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
And when you were born they looked at you and said
What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls we just look away

This name is the hairshirt I wear
And this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair
This song is the cross that I bear
Bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me
Be with me tonight
I know that it isn't right
But be with me tonight

I go to school, I write exams
If I pass, if I fail, if I drop out, does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget
'Cause it won't take much for me to show that my life ain't over yet

I wake up scared, I wake up strange
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
And everything around me stays the same

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong
Chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song
I couldn't tell you that you were right
So instead I looked in the mirror watched tv laid awake all night

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls....

When I was born they looked at me and said
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
And when you were born they looked at you and said
What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl, hey

1 laugh | smile

:: 2010 10 January :: 3.01am

I just watched Return to Me and then played some Assassin's Creed. I now have the world's strongest yearning to go back to Italy. Seriously.

I think Italian will be my next language to learn. After I finish my current goals, of course.

Oh, here are my New Year's whatevers:
(Check out that underline, this is official, kids.)

Read the Bible (that I've had since third grade) and blah-g about it.

Read the Qur'an (that I received from the wonderful CAIR) and blah-g about it.

Find a church that I like (and actually go and check it out). Current prospects: Fountain Street Church and Grand Rapids Friends.

Get married (ha ha, a girl can dream).

I love you all.

1 laugh | smile

:: 2010 5 January :: 9.07am
:: Mood: awake

I love the sound of your breathing as you lay next to me dreaming.

I went and purchased my books for the start of my second-to-last semester here as an undergraduate (I'm not counting the two classes I'm taking this summer).

It really wasn't bad as far as cost goes, but Ancient Literature has 11 books.

This semester I'm taking:

FRN 202: Intermediate French II
ENG 261: Ancient Literature
PSC 375: Socialism, Liberalism, and Fascism
PSC 321: The American Chief Executive

I'm pretty excited. It's the first semester that I've only taken 12 credits. I'm trying to go light after last semester's 17. I figure French will take up its fair share of time, and although the other three classes are two and three hundred levels, I feel like I might get a lot out of them without doing much homework other than reading. We'll see.

After this semester I will have 112 credits. I need 124 to graduate, but I'm going to end up with something like 128. This summer will be my two biology classes to finish up my area requirements for my Bachelor of Arts degree which will take me to 118, and then I'm looking into taking nine credits next fall with one graduate level class that will count as graduate credit as to make me a full-time student.

A year from now I will be starting graduate school, and then hopefully getting a post in Teach for America. By the end of all this the plan is to have a Master of Arts in English and one in Education.

Or, I could just give up, get pregnant, work at Meijer for my entire life, and waste away as an intellectual person. I think I'll choose the first.

:: 2010 5 January :: 3.02am

Things that make me happy
Nick did NOT propose to me on Christmas or on New Year's Eve. I have taught him well.

I have tomorrow off.

I switched a comp day with someone so I can have my birthday off and the guy was SO nice about it that I might make him cookies or something.

I received a cookbook and an apron for Christmas. Both of which I asked for and are awesome.

I still have my Christmas wreath up and I think Nick forgot it was there so I will keep it FOREVER.

I went to bed last night at 10:40pm and woke up at 8am.

My boss asked Nick and I out to dinner with him and his girlfriend.

It is my birthday month!

1 laugh | smile

:: 2010 2 January :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: "We Live"

Reading
I normally plow through books in my spare time. I had a lot less of it as of the last part of this year. It took me until just a few days ago to finish a book I started this summer at the lake. It was only short of 400 pages, small compared to my normal reading.

Now, however, I am reading "John Adams" by David McCullough. I had already read "Truman" by him, but this book is so different. His writing really captures the time the men lived.

One odd note that struck me as I was reading this afternoon was a statement of purpose that Adams wrote and had published on what a new American government might look like. The form of the government was remarkably similar to what we have now.

The part I found the most interesting is that he took time to outline one very important part, or function, of the government, so that it might function at peak ability.

"Laws for the liberal education of youth, especially for the lower classes of people ... no expense for this purpose should be considered too extravagant."

It is no wonder that our government cannot function if the citizenry is as poorly educated as we find ourselves today. Granted, the total level of education in this country has risen tremendously in the last century, but what has come of it? Is anyone more aware of our, or their own situation? No, unfortunately we have educated ourselves in the ways of the economy. We have neglected the very basic structures that should contribute to an egalitarian society. But instead of being able to make our own decisions about the issues of the day we must rely on politicians that are willing to curry favor for pork projects and campaign donations. Instead of selecting our political representatives out of patriotism and knowledge, it has become a popularity contest. We elect those who are endorsed by celebrities; who themselves have dubious backgrounds.

Why fix the education and create a body of intelligent citizens when the current system is working out so well for those in charge of it.

:: 2010 1 January :: 10.44pm

Some people feel as if they have no control. Most of the time I feel as if I have no control. The unfortunate part is that we think that life is about control.

I read a lot. I read alot in college. What I found most interesting were those pieces I read in Modern Poltical Theory. Locke talking about the natural law and how ideas like that revolutionized the way society has functioned ever since.
Instead of having an absolute law, created by an absolute ruler, we have realized that the rules of our society are inherent. We all have inherent rights just by the virtue of having been born. Whether you feel like this is a religious conviction, or just a revelation based on observing human behavior, remember this:
Someone at some point in the history of our species felt that you were special enough to fight for the inherent rights you now have.

Whether that person knew that is what they were fighting for you or not is another question. But they did, and you now have the "control" to fight for those inherent rights everyday, no matter how constrained by societal or economic forces you may be.

:: 2010 1 January :: 11.12am
:: Mood: snotty
:: Music: WayFM

Family and New Year
A new year, a brand new year.
Yesterday I had a conversation with Catherine about making the office have more of an internet "presence." So she has since started a blog and Twitter. I am not a fan of Twitter at all, so I refuse to join.
That got me thinking that even though we have all of these strange new ways to connect to people, most of us feel more isolated now than we would have had to before.
Which leads me to my topic this morning. I am glad we chose to stay here in Michigan so we can have days like today. Really, it's all about family. For awhile there, we were very isolated from our families. We lived on the south side of GR and they all lived north. Now, even though we live in GR, and our parents still live in Cedar, it's not that far. I am really looking forward to this summer. A whole summer with a place at the lake will be great.
So I get to repeat what generations of my family and many other families in Michigan experience. Traveling north for the weekends, getting out of town. It is a time honored tradition now. It existed rarely before the fifties, but it's been going strong for over 60 years now. In the full scope of history, it's not that long. But in the timeline of one short human life it can mean the difference between happiness and friendship and lonliness and despair.

:: 2010 1 January :: 1.20am

I am wondering why I keep stopping on these stupid TimeLife infomercials while I am flipping through late night TV. Tonight's is "Romancing the 70's." Given the way I was raised I kind of expect to have a wide range of knowledge of older songs. I know a lot of them, Jim Croce, Elton John, Rod Stewart, John Denver, and even Tony Orlando and Dawn. But apparently there was a group called "Bread." The standards seemed awfully low back then.

:: 2009 31 December :: 11.22am

I was trying to remember what I have done on New Years Eve for the past 10 years.. but there are some blank memories in there..

So, if you were involved, tell me memories you shared with me..

:: 2009 27 December :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: blah

i have a million thoughts swirling around in my head about everything, but i can't figure out what to say first. i guess this only thing i can get out is that i feel.....i don't know. i can't write this entry.

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.06pm

Had a rough couple of days.
They were more or less just extremely emotional and frustrating.
Had a hard time dealing with the 5 year anniversary of my grandma's death, and then this being the first christmas without my other grandma.
Argued 2 days in a row, with probably the most ignorant person in Ionia County.

I have felt a lot of unnecessary stress this week.
I think I am finally getting over it.
Thought I would have more Christmas spirit than I ended up with, but I guess shit happens.
Better luck next year.

1 laugh | smile

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

ah..
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.

:: 2009 25 December :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

Everything
So I haven't updated in awhile. But I've had alot of things on my mind. Trying to figure out where my life is going and if where I'm at is helping me get there. I am excited about starting school back up in january. :D I'm just starting to wonder if this is really where I want to be. I miss things downstate. I used to have friends and be able to go hang out once in awhile.... now I just have one person maybe two I can talk to up here. And anyone that knows me, knows that I need my friends to stay sane. I've been having so much anxiety... sometimes its just hard to breathe. There are times I think... what am I doing here on this earth..what is my purpose. I keep wondering.... why am I here...I just make a mess of things. I constantly feel like everything is my fault. That I can never do anything right for my parents or the guy I'm with. And I know that isn't right or accurate. I know I'm loved to some extent. I just feel like there are terms and conditions to it all. And to me thats not the way love should be. I can love unconditionally, I treat my b/f the way I want him to treat me. Why can't someone treat me the same? Sometimes I just need a place to vent. I can't talk to him and have him actually listen. I just... I don't know what I need anymore.....

:: 2009 23 December :: 7.45pm

"I have a life that did not become,
that turned aside and stopped,
astonished:
I hold it in me like a pregnancy or
as on my lap a child
not to grow old but dwell on

it is to his grave I most
frequently return and return
to ask what is wrong, what was
wrong, to see it all by
the light of a different necessity
but the grave will not heal
and the child,
stirring, must share my grave
with me, an old man having
gotten by on what was left"

-A.R. Ammons, "Easter Morning"

:: 2009 20 December :: 5.54am

I think I might regret going to work today. Two people have not been showing up and we have Santa bucks today. I think I'm going to be alone at the Service Desk all morning. FML.

1 laugh | smile

:: 2009 19 December :: 2.02am

We learned today that we are getting Christmas bonuses! Yay! And then if I get my doing-my-job bonus, I will have money to pay bills and rent and school loans!

yay for crappy job that makes me feel grown up!

1 laugh | smile

:: 2009 17 December :: 11.30pm

Dear santa clause, Go fuck yourself.
I'm depressed because;

My wallet is empty
My paycheck is spent (can't even cash it until tomorrow)
I can't buy anybody christmas presents this year.

I know how "Tennessee" Earnie Ford felt when he is singing "sixteen tons"

4 laughs | smile

:: 2009 16 December :: 10.31am

woke up scared to death at 5am or so.

had this weird dream, i was hanging out in this housing development with kelli and jordan, and then i remember jordan's mom called, so i got into an old ford bronco and went to pick her up or something and then this henry guy called and he called all night, telling me things about myself freaking me out, then he said he'd be there in 20 minutes. i really didn't want to stick around to see who this guy was because i thought he was going to kill me, then while i was driving my truck got sucked backwards and kind of spun twards a tree and my door flew open and i flew out and face first right twards a tree. i remember the tree vividly.
the next thing i remember is seeing a bunch of white letters on a black background in a weird font. i was speaking gibberish and then i woke up.

about an hour later jordan woke me up saying i was talking gibberish while sleeping.

i hate dieing in dreams, it freaks me out.

3 laughs | smile

:: 2009 15 December :: 2.33am

I should not eat when Nick is not around to edit my eating habits. He is asleep since he has to work at 7 am tomorrow.

Things I have eaten since Nick went to bed at 1:
Spaghetti with sauce and Parmesan cheese and green olives
Reheated TGIFriday's French fries (reheated in a pan with olive oil and crazy seasonings)
Green olives
Warmed up tortilla with above seasoning/spices and leftover oil along with garlic, sour cream and feta (the sour cream was a TERRIBLE idea... ugh)
More green olives
Snicker's bar

We don't have any food in the house. That is the main reason I ate a bunch of junk. Also I just went with my cravings. Usually Nick stops me before I add the sour cream. I am feeling really awful and would like to just throw everything up, please.

:: 2009 13 December :: 1.47pm

cameras ezwatch - TCP 5150
99.148.141.102
TCP 5160
99.148.141.102
TCP 80
99.148.141.102
TCP 8000
99.148.141.102

6 laughs | smile

:: 2009 11 December :: 9.14pm

So, I guess I'm getting a C+ or B- in my linguistics class depending on how she decides to "reward" an increase in an exam grade I got in the middle of the semester.

This is not good. It technically counts toward my English Major GPA, but Linguistics is not really English and this teacher was HUGE on phonology.

Well, I guess I'm never going to be a linguist. Not like that shattered any dreams of mine or anything.

The only thing I hate is that I didn't see this coming. I thought all the exams were easy but I got low B's a now a C- on this last one. We were only graded on four exams for this whole semester. I was going to go and talk to the prof, but I was sure that I would do really well. Guess not.

It just frustrates me that I know my way around literary theory and I can synthesize a theory in a matter of hours and have an A essay written in the next few after that, but I can't seem to reconstruct proto-languages or explain the grammatical rules of Ebonic thoroughly (these things may sound hard, but trust me, they're pretty easy).

Good-bye 3.79, it was nice knowing you...

:: 2009 10 December :: 7.51pm

I haven't updated in awhile..
Don't really have a good reason as to why.
I don't really have anything exciting going on in my life right now, but things are going great.
I am happy and all that.
Trying to get through this semester of school..
Working on trying to get a new job..
I am so sick of all the talk of them firing me.. They won't do it, and it pisses me off.
I wish they'd just get it over with..

3 laughs | smile

:: 2009 10 December :: 4.09pm

anyone remember anything else i've owned?

1994 pontiac grand am
1989 ford probe
1992 ford probe
1978 pontiac grand prix
1980 oldsmobile cutlass
1992 toyota p/u 4x4
1993 dodge dakota 4x2
1984 pontiac 6000
1991 jeep cherokee 4x4
1984 ford mustang coupe
1992 ford tempo GLS
1989 merkur xr4ti

3 laughs | smile

:: 2009 9 December :: 12.16pm

some days i feel alone even when i'm not.

been neglecting woohu lately, didn't mean to.

christmas is coming; yay?
college needs to be paid for today, need to go setup a checking account.

the jeep is rusting.

hate using woohu to just complain about my life; there is much to complain about

there is so much good to; lots of good

scool starts in january

jeep still runs

i have work; although its not the best

-----------------------------------------------
miss my friends
don't see lizzy or rache enough
wish i had more weekends off to hang out with them.
havn't hung out with anyone but box and justin in awhile :(
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

still hungry; for food, for adventure, to live on my own.

3 laughs | smile

:: 2009 8 December :: 7.44pm

Updating from my phone. who would have thought that this was possible when woohu was first created i so need to get this changed and back up to speed.

:: 2009 8 December :: 4.05pm

So, if it's snowing right now and the the radar shows no snow anywhere near here, what's going to happen when the radar DOES show snow here?

I don't want exams to be cancelled because then I'll have to have them on Friday. Dumb.

:: 2009 7 December :: 10.58pm

It's exam week.

Two of Five are done.

Then Meijer for five weeks. FML.

1 laugh | smile

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