sugarjackj
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2019 5 January :: 10.59am
:: Music: Bikini Kill - Feels Blind
Going through my journal is always strange. I get so many mixed feelings. It's interesting to read where I've been, what I've done, how I felt.
Some spots are incredibly cringe worthy.
Found an old Photobucket with pictures I thought I'd lost when my old laptop was stolen.
It's neat looking through a timeline of my life expressed in my own words.
It's also painful. Looking back at the relationships and friendships I trashed. All of the horrible and tragic decisions I made. Time lost and people I've hurt.
I fell so far down the rabbit hole. I'm surprised I ever made it out.
Although sometimes it makes me sad to go through my old journal, it does remind me of where I've come from.
There has been much progress and personal growth.
So much more to go.
It's good.
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jedibumblebee
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2018 17 October :: 8.24pm
:: Music: Panic at the Disco- One of the Drunks
Every weekend with your friends/ Every weekday when it ends/ Damn it's all good, I guess
Orange juice, pour out half the carton
Grey Goose, pour it, get it started
Good times, remedy your sorrows
Baptize, don't worry about tomorrow
Shake it up, shake it up, now it's time to dive in
Share a cup, share a cup, now you're screw-driving
Every weekend with your friends
Every weekday when it ends
Damn it's all good, I guess
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the
Never dry
Every day you're thirsty, bourbon high
Sip up 'til you're tipsy, night's young
Searching for a feeling, big fun
Dancing with the demons, Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit
Grips you like a pistol, wet the whistle, wet the whistle
Abyss of ice crystals
Every weekend with your friends
Every weekday when it ends
Damn it's all good, I guess
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Round and round and round
And round and round and round
Damn it's all good
Round and round and round
And round and round and round
Damn it's all good
I guess this is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Searching for a new high, high as the sun, uncomfortably numb
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
This is what it feels like when you become one of the drunks
Welcome to the club
Welcome to the club
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jedibumblebee
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2018 2 October :: 9.24pm
:: Music: Houses- Fast Talk
Karma's just a different word for bad luck
Me and my best friends cruising down West End Street
Hiding from cops and driving circles around the block all week
All of my friends died out on West End Street
They say we're born to die young
But we're just trying to live in peace
So maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just a different
Word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
All of our friends went crazy on LSD
Sailing their cars through the big bright city streets
And everyone who knows our name
Says that we ain't ever gonna change
They say we're born to die young
But we're trying to find a better way
They say we're born to die young
But we're trying to find a better way
Maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just a different word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
What's up?
Hey, what's up, man?
Just sitting here thinking... I'm gonna be 32 years old tomorrow. And I feel half completely alive... and half completely dead
We hope and we pray day after day
They say we're born to die young
But we're gonna find a better way
We hope and we pray day after day
They say we're born to die young
But we're gonna find a better way
So maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks
Shangri-La dealers at the bus stops
And maybe god is just a cop that we can fast talk
So if you're guilty and you know it, put your hands up
'Cause karma's just different word for bad luck
And what if death is just another pair of handcuffs
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
Then we'd better run
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jedibumblebee
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2018 19 September :: 8.09pm
:: Music: Death cab for cutie- gold rush
It seems I never stop losing you\ As every dive becomes something new\ And all our ghosts get swept away\ It didn't used to be this way
Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
Where all the old buildings stood
(Gold rush)
And they keep digging it down and down
(Gold rush)
So that their cars can live underground
(Gold rush)
The swinging of a wrecking ball
(Gold rush)
Through these lathe and plaster walls
(Gold rush)
Is letting all the shadows free
(Gold rush)
The ones I wished still followed me
Change
(Followed me, followed me)
Please don't change
Stay
(Followed me, followed me)
Stay the same
(Gold rush)
I remember a winter's night
(Gold rush)
When we kissed beneath the street lamp light
(Gold rush)
Outside our bar near the record store
(Gold rush)
That have been condos for a year or more
(Gold rush)
And now that our haunts have taken flight
(Gold rush)
And been replaced with construction sites
(Gold rush)
Oh, how I feel like a stranger here
(Gold rush)
Searching for something that's disappeared
(Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
For what they say is the greater good
(Gold rush)
But all I see is a long goodbye
(Gold rush)
A requiem for a skyline
(Gold rush)
It seems I never stop losing you
(Gold rush)
As every dive becomes something new
(Gold rush)
And all our ghosts get swept away
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
Change
(Be this way, be this way)
Please don't change
Stay
(Be this way, be this way)
Stay the same
Cranes
(Be this way, be this way)
Devour the light
Strange
(Be this way, be this way)
Appetites
I've ascribed these monuments
A false sense of permanence
I've placed faith in geography
To hold you in my memory
(Gold rush)
I'm sifting through these wreckage piles
(Gold rush)
Through the rubble of bricks and wires
(Gold rush)
Looking for something I'll never find
(Gold rush)
Looking for something I'll never find
(Gold rush)
They're digging for gold in my neighborhood
(Gold rush)
Where all the old buildings stood
(Gold rush)
And they keep digging it down and down
(Gold rush)
So that their cars can live underground
(Gold rush)
It seems I never stop losing you
(Gold rush)
As every dive becomes something new
(Gold rush)
And all our ghosts get swept away
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Change, please don't change)
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Stay, stay the same)
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Gold rush)
It didn't used to be this way
(Change, please don't change)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
(Stay, stay the same)
(Gold rush)
(Gold rush)
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jedibumblebee
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2018 4 May :: 8.04pm
:: Music: The Greatest Showman- The Other Side
Take your walls and start 'em breaking
Right here, right now
I put the offer out
I don't want to chase you down
I know you see it
You run with me
And I can cut you free
Out of the drudgery and walls you keep in
So trade that typical for something colorful
And if it's crazy, live a little crazy
You can play it sensible, a king of conventional
Or you can risk it all and see
Don't you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play
'Cause I got what you need, so come with me and take the ride
It'll take you to the other side
'Cause you can do like you do
Or you can do like me
Stay in the cage, or you'll finally take the key
Oh, damn! Suddenly you're free to fly
It'll take you to the other side
Okay, my friend, you want to cut me in
Well I hate to tell you, but it just won't happen
So thanks, but no
I think I'm good to go
'Cause I quite enjoy the life you say I'm trapped in
Now I admire you, and that whole show you do
You're onto something, really it's something
But I live among the swells, and we don't pick up peanut shells
I'll have to leave that up to you
Don't you know that I'm okay with this uptown part I get to play
'Cause I got what I need and I don't want to take the ride
I don't need to see the other side
So go and do like you do
I'm good to do like me
Ain't in a cage, so I don't need to take the key
Oh, damn! Can't you see I'm doing fine
I don't need to see the other side
Now is this really how you like to spend your days?
Whiskey and misery, and parties and plays
If I were mixed up with you, I'd be the talk of the town
Disgraced and disowned, another one of the clowns
But you would finally live a little, finally laugh a little
Just let me give you the freedom to dream
And it'll wake you up and cure your aching
Take your walls and start 'em breaking
Now that's a deal that seems worth taking
But I guess I'll leave that up to you
Well it's intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly
So what percentage of the show would I be taking?
Fair enough, you'd want a piece of all the action
I'd give you seven, we could shake and make it happen
I wasn't born this morning, eighteen would be just fine
Why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime
Fifteen
I'd do eight
Twelve
Maybe nine
Ten
Don't you wanna get away to a whole new part you're gonna play
'Cause I got what you need, so come with me and take the ride
To the other side
So if you do like I do
So if you do like me
Forget the cage, 'cause we know how to make the key
Oh, damn! Suddenly we're free to fly
We're going to the other side
So if you do like I do
(To the other side)
So if you do like me
(We're going to the other side)
'Cause if we do we're going to the other side
We're going to the other side
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jedibumblebee
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2018 20 April :: 10.35pm
:: Music: Say Amen- Panic! at the Disco
And every morning when I wake up/ I wanna be who I couldn't say I'd ever been/ But it's so much more than I ever was/ If every night I go to sleep knowing
Been traveling in packs that I can't carry anymore
Been waiting for somebody else to carry me
There's nothing else there for me at my door
All the people I know aren't who they used to be
And if I try to change my life one more day
There would be nobody else to save
And I can't change into a person I don't wanna be, so
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
And every morning when I wake up
I wanna be who I couldn't say I'd ever been
But it's so much more than I ever was
If every night I go to sleep knowing
That I gave everything that I had to give
Then it's all I could've asked for
I've been standing up beside everything I've ever said, but
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
If I had one more day to wish
If I had one more day
To be better than I could have ever been
If I had one more day to wish
If I had one more day
I could be better, but, baby
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
I pray for the wicked on the weekend
Mama, can I get another amen?
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah
Swear to God, I ain't ever gonna repent
Mama, can I get another amen?
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jedibumblebee
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2018 12 April :: 10.04am
:: Music: Robert DeLong feat. K. Flay- Favorite Color is Blue
I'm thinking of changing my name, thinking of wrecking a home/ 'Cause loving and hating are one and the same/ And I'm feeling like everyone's feeling alone
Locked up, naked with socks
I'm watching the phone ring.
It's making me angry.
It's making me mad.
Maxed out, minimum wage
My brain is a time bomb.
I'm saying goodbye, mom,
I'll see you again.
Striking a pose.
Smiling in photos without any reason
With people that I'll never know.
I'm out of control, live in a fictional prose.
I took an oath, it's killing me though
'Cause I don't believe in the things that I do.
And now my favorite color is blue.
And now my favorite color is blue.
And now my favorite
Roped up, rot in a cage
I'm having a breakdown.
Drinking at a playground, tequila for one
Too short, walk in the streets, I'm hating my haircut.
You say that you're here, but
You live on the Sun.
Burning a kite
I'm at a funeral, nothing unusual
Baby, I do what I like
Looking to fight, smoking a blunt and a pipe
Taking a bite, worm in the apple
I knew it would happen, 'cause honey the vermin survive.
Swerve to the side, been driving all night.
I'm thinking of changing my name, thinking of wrecking a home
'Cause loving and hating are one and the same
And I'm feeling like everyone's feeling alone.
I'm just looking for something to soften the blow.
A second inside of the truth
I don't see light 'cause
Now my favorite color is blue.
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jedibumblebee
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2018 29 March :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Fall Out Boy- Wilson
Woke up on the wrong side of the paradise/ So when I say I'm sorry I'm late I wasn't showing up at all/ I really mean I didn't plan on showing up at all
I was I was I was
Gonna say something that would solve all our problems
But then I got drunk and I forgot what I was talking about
I forgot what I was talking about
Don't you, don't you, don't you know
There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody
There's nothing more cruel than to be loved by everybody but you
Than to be loved by everybody but you, but you
If I can get my shit together
I'm gonna run away and never see any of you again
Never see any of you again
I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space
I always make such expensive mistakes
I know it's just a number but you're the 8th wonder
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Woke up on the wrong side of the paradise
So when I say I'm sorry I'm late I wasn't showing up at all
I really mean I didn't plan on showing up at all
Don't you, don't you, don't you know
I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended
I hate all my friends, I miss the days when I pretended with you
I miss the days when I pretended with you, with you
If I can get my shit together
I'm gonna run away and never see any of you again
Never see any of you again
I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space
I always make such expensive mistakes
I know it's just a number but you're the 8th wonder
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If we hadn't done this thing, I think I'd be a medicine man
So I could get high on my own supply whenever I can
I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape from trying to fit in
Yeah, I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape
I hope the roof flies off and I get blown out into space
I always make such expensive mistakes
I know it's just a number but you're the 8th wonder
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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skife
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2016 22 August :: 5.33pm
I don't feel like adulting today.
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rayray
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2016 22 April :: 12.14pm
Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.
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sugarjackj
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2015 6 March :: 2.41am
:: Mood: Tired
OK, so, today was alright. Which is fantastic because the past week has been very depressing.
I genuinely smiled/laughed at a couple things today. I didn't have the overwhelming feeling of awful gross all day, which again, was pretty sweet.
Tomorrow my dad is having surgery on his neck in GR.
Apparently he has some sort of hereditary spinal degeneration something-or-other that my grandma also had.
So I can look forward to that coming down the pipeline eventually.
The surgeons with be removing a vertebrae from my fathers neck and fusing the remaining vertebrae together. Its a three hour surgery that requires an overnight stay.
I'm nervous because in my eyes, my big, heroic, invincible father will be going under the knife.
I'm going to be thirty in a couple years, my dads heath is staring to deteriorate and how the fuck did we get here.
Its really alright. I just am jolted sometimes when time slaps me in the face.
So I'm going to the hospital to be there for my dad. I'm also going to be there for my mom, who needs emotional support since it will be in the same hospital my grandpa lost his battle to cancer just over a year ago.
I've been pretty shut-in the past couple of months and spending the next couple days with my emotional, concerned and neurotic mother is not something I am particularly looking forward to.
But.it.must.be.done.
I just hope the surgery is 100% successful and that my mother and I can play cool.
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joeydomina
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2015 3 March :: 3.18am
Holy jeez. I still have this. I live!
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spinder
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2014 25 October :: 10.16am
I tend to be very hesitant about claiming good things have happened. I've had so many amazing interviews that never panned out that my general reaction to positive things is that life is just trying to play a trick on me.
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skife
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2014 20 September :: 11.41am
things that make me not want to get married
1. the wedding.
3 laughs |
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skife
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2014 25 August :: 9.10pm
possible road trip next summer.
2 laughs |
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sugarjackj
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2014 29 May :: 11.16pm
fuck bitches, get money
I'm making enough money to buy the shit I want and do the things I want to do.
You can call me a quitter because I'm not doing my "dream job".
Money cant buy happiness.
But it can sure buy me the things that make life cushy.
And I like that.
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skife
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2014 14 April :: 9.48pm
things i should be doing right now:
getting ready for bed
things i'm actually doing right now:
my taxes
Procrastination: Hard work might pay off later, being lazy pays off now.
2 laughs |
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spinder
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2014 6 March :: 6.39pm
Cancer update: Still sucks. Dont get it.
Mortality is an odd concept. When faced with someone you love keeling over it looms large in your mind. It changes alot of how you feel about your own life.
When the protagonist of that story rolls off her death bed and decides to keep living its really a bit jarring. I'm not complaining, its wonderful, but to a certain extent I was very ready to deal with Gloria's death. A lot of mental turmoil goes into preparing for that. For the time being, though, I can continue pretending everyone will continue living forever.
I just realized something while I was typing this. Now I know which of my parents I get my procrastination streak from.
Ahhaha... Dont judge; She'd laugh.
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m&ms487
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2014 17 February :: 9.27am
:: Mood: pensive
I'm twenty-six and probably buying a house in a few months.
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sugarjackj
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2014 14 February :: 2.32am
I feel like a 16 year old girl again. Not the best time in my life...
The same man keeps breaking my heart time and time again.
I can’t help but always be there for him. I am unable to separate myself from him.
And it’s fucking killing me.
I broke up with my past 3 boyfriends. It just wasn’t right. I know this.
But how am I supposed to move on when I gave my whole heart to someone else?
That’s not fair to the men I am dating. And I know that.
What I don’t know is how to make these feelings stop.
Fuck.
After a year and a half of not being with you, you come back into my life and it’s like I’m unable to function. Paralyzed by your presence.
What the hell is my problem.
Why can’t I just leave you and be on my merry way?
I have to do something but am completely at a stand-still.
I would rather have you in my life than not. Even if it’s just as friends. Because after all, you are my greatest friend.
But emotionally I am a shit show because of it.
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skife
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2013 15 December :: 11.03pm
a friend of mine post this on facebook a few days ago...
i read it and realised that i'm an introvert...
life made alot of sense afterwards.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-introverts-will-understand
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skife
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2013 3 December :: 8.11pm
every day... i'm miserable.
3 laughs |
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rayray
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2013 11 November :: 3.12pm
Yesterday, my mom had a heart attack. This morning she had a heart cath, and it showed that she has a small blockage but they aren't doing a stent because it could cause more harm than good. I was told this morning she would be coming home tonight, but by the time I got to class, they decided to keep her for another day. And the cardiologist told her numerous times she needs to quit smoking. So I am hoping that, the heart attack and the fact she has already been told by her doctor that has been treating her for Lupus, is enough to get it in full swing..
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m&ms487
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2013 15 September :: 8.47pm
:: Music: Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
PhDing and teaching. It involves lots of reading. And grading. Eventually, there will be writing. This year marks my 4th academic publication, and 2014 will hold conference presentations 7-9 at major conferences.
I really hope there will be some semblance of a good job at the end of all of this.
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skife
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2013 12 September :: 9.11pm
so, i applied for a job today that required me to write a cover letter.
I've never done that before.
adult decisions.
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skife
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2013 9 September :: 9.57pm
went to andy's house tonight, his mom called me earlier today to see if i could come over and get some pictures and videos off an old phone.
it was an interesting expierence. We talked about alot of things, some made me laugh, some made me sad.
Just an interesting expierence all around.
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rayray
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2013 2 September :: 9.41am
I started my last fall semester of college last week. So far, I hate it because I have to go to class 3 times a week. But, at least this semester is going to be a breeze compared to next semester.
My mom has lupus, but it's just the horrible rash on her face, no organs are being affected or causing it, yet. She told me that her doctor told her that she HAD to quit smoking, so she is cutting back and going to try the e-cig before she tries chantix. I'm not going to hold my breath. I want to have hope that she will quit smoking and maybe she will even quit drinking or at least cut back tremendously and live a semi-normal life. I'd like to think that at some point in my life, I can go visit her and not wreak of smoke just from sitting on her couch.
My brother had his 6 month check up to see if the cancer is back, and there are signs the cancer has come back, or it's just residue from the hodgkin's that wasn't seen in the last scan. Not sure what's going on, because he hasn't heard from his doctor or had any more tests scheduled.
Reagan so badly wants to go to school, but is too young by a week to start preschool. Preschool that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for on top of fundraising anyway. I would love for her to go, but I think she will benefit from going to daycare a couple days a week to.
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m&ms487
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2013 31 July :: 3.18pm
We move to Indiana in five days. I start my PhD in two and a half weeks.
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skife
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2013 15 July :: 7.43pm
sometimes i'm pissed off and i don't know why.
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sugarjackj
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2013 5 June :: 8.51pm
You're.
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