Life Is An Ever Changing Road

:: 2009 22 September :: 8.29pm

Dear French Verbs,

I hate conjugating you. Especially when you're irregular. Take some fiber, geez.

Love,
Michelle

:: 2009 17 September :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Norouet

So, Wheatland was good. I discovered a band that I absolutely love. They are called De Temps Antan and play traditional French-Canadian music. I didn't actually get one of their CD's because the guy at the booth told me that the two I got were their CD's, but it turns out they are different members of the band in different bands. Ugh. It's alright though, the one I'm listening to right now is quite relaxing. Guitars, flutes, violins and such.

Everything has been super busy. I got a new little in Kappa Kappa Psi on Sunday. Her name is Shanique and I absolutely adore her. I can't wait to help her develop her potential within the group. I loved helping my other little, Dave, but he already knew everyone, was already a part of another music fraternity and was well versed in leadership. Plus, he is older than me. Shanique is a sophomore. Tonight is her first business meeting and I am giving her her BIT binder. So exciting!

French has been going well. I got a 76 on the first exam, which was exactly the average of the class, so it wasn't that bad. It's about what I got on my first exam in French last semester. We have another exam coming up and an oral exam. I need to work on my articles. AHHH!

I'm listening to a song in French that's talking about dreaming during the night....hmm.. can't understand much more than that.

I'm also taking a Linguistics course which is SUPER difficult. I took it for fun as an elective; that was a mistake. It's good to know these things about language, but it's really hard to transcribe words into the IPA then figure out where the syllables are and then figure out which syllables are stressed and do it all correctly. I'm not evening going into phonemic and morphemic inventories...

Two semesters after this, hopefully, and then what? Je ne sais pas!

:: 2009 14 September :: 11.37pm

Going to Hell
well folks, it's true. i'm going to hell. since i have not accepted god's grace and accepted jesus christ into my heart, i am damned to the fiery depths below. don't pray for me, that won't help. it will only help if i conform to the beliefs of christianity b/c i am afraid of what will happen if i don't. and that sure as hell isn't going to happen.

no matter what i do, how i treat others or live my life, i will suffer. forever and ever and ever.

:: 2009 13 September :: 10.42am

I got to see my nephew the last few days and probably will see him again today..
I am very happy about that, but i dont like the circumstances behind it.
He is getting so big and learning so much, and I miss a lot of it.
And he looks so much like my sister, but he changes more and more each time I see him.

It has been a long stressful, packed week.
I'm not even sure what kind of crap there is going to have to be done tomorrow when I go back to work.
I know there was a lot to be done when I left on wednesday.

Going through pictures, seeing my whole family in pain, the visitations and the funeral were hard.
And even though all of those events took place, and I mourned, I don't know if I mourned completely.
I still don't feel like it really happened, like I am completely numb on the inside.
I know that she is gone and won't be coming back.
But it feels like she is on vacation and I just have to wait a couple weeks before I see her again.

And apparently my mom likes to share her germs, because Friday I started feeling really sick, and started to lose my voice.
So yesterday, I spent all day in bed, except for 2 hours.. I went to bed at midnight saturday morning, slept til 2:30, was awake for maybe an hour, then slept til 9, was awake until 12:00, and then slept until 10 this morning.
But I definitely needed it, and I am feeling better today.

jedibumblebee

:: 2009 12 September :: 2.47pm
:: Music: The Features- Lions

Oh, girl what are you thinking
I'm thinking that we
Should stick together
I reckon that we
Should follow our hearts

Let's stick together
Let's follow our hearts
Not even lions can tear us apart

:: 2009 10 September :: 1.34am

school
i'm so exhausted by all of this. i hate being anxious ALL the time. my major is KILLING ME. not the classes, i love them and i mean i do well in them, but it's the GIRLS! they drive my fucking insane. i'm so stressed about all of this. my major is sooooooooooooooooooo competative. like on a scale of 1 to 10 it's a 50. you all know i'm laid back, quiet etc..and NOT all up in professors faces and a suck up. i listen, i do my work, i study i get good grades. but it's not enough. and EVERY fucking time i think of doing something that will help 'set me apart' everyyyyyone else starts doing it. i volunteer somewhere, low and behold everyone else does it too. i join nsshla ( at $60 a year cost, it's the nation student speech hearing language assocation) i knew THAT would really set me apart b/c you get professional journals and crap and nobody really knows about it, welllllllllllllll not now!!!!! practically EVERYONE found out about it, and every fing girl in my classes are like 'did you joing nsshla?' 'i joined nsshla' 'like omg! i can add that on my resume lol rofl omg' blah blah blah fuckedty blah. SHUT UP! all of you!!! WARRRRRGARRBLLLLLLLLLLLL. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i can't handle this!!!!!!! it's too fucking stressful. worrying EVERYDAY and hearing all these dumb bitches, 'i volunteered here, i went to dr. so and sos office hours and blah blah blah' shut up just freaking shutp up. you all drive me insane and you are all causing my life immmmmeasurable amounts of stress/anxiety.

what can i honestly do to help myself? i raise my hand more, i try to do it at least once a class period, but like 10 girls raise their hands ten times..i go to a professsors office hours once a week, they go TWICE. i can't keep up!!! it's a'lsdkf j;sjdfaosidfasjkdfh al what do i do ?! i love this major and i want to do it, but these girls are giving me a heart attack.

their voices. complaining, yapping, bragging, tweeet tweet yip yap yapp yappppp shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut uppppppppppppppppppppp

:: 2009 9 September :: 9.12pm

So this week has been pretty shitty..
My grandma passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning.
They believe she had an ulcer that ruptured, and caused internal bleeding. She was coughing up blood, and they were able to revive her twice and get her stabilized, but her heart stopped. They tried to revive her again, but they weren't able to get her heart beating again.
Tomorrow is the visitations, and then friday is the funeral..

All 4 of my grandparents deaths have been either the day before or the day after a holiday.

:: 2009 8 September :: 1.35am
:: Music: avril lavigne~slipped away

my grandpa
so my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.

he survived for 14 DAYS with no food or water. FOURTEEN! the nurses/doctors etc could not believe he was still alive. he held on THAT long. it makes me wonder if he really wanted to go, or if he just was such a tough guy, that he held out for as long as he could.

he was diagnosed with lewy body dimentia and alzheimers about 6 years ago. he went from forgetting where he put his shoes, to being unable to keep his head up, or feed himself. he eventually went into a nursing home (against his dismay)..he would cry when his wife would try to take him there, but she couldn't take care of him..he always fell and my dad would have to drive over there to help connie get him up. a couple months ago, he turned 79 and when my dad went to visit him, he stil knew who my dad was although he really couldn't move or do any motor function at all. before he passed, he just layed there and moaned in pain b.c he had such severe bed sores. the doctors said they were the worst they'd ever seen. soo, they could either perform surgery, or let him pass b/c he couldn't eat anymore without a feeding tube and he had to get nutrients through an IV.

he hung in there for two weeks. i know that he wasn't using any calories because he wasn't moving...but still, i thought nobody could even live for a few days without water.

the funeral is this thursday. :/ i will miss him so much.

sugarjackj

:: 2009 4 September :: 9.50pm

Ughhhhhhh

WTF?

I. feel. so. damn. silly.

Not in a way I enjoy either.

Gahhhh

Why didn't I get to go on my date with Mr. Dreamy?
He sat outside for a few minutes and I didn't hear him. And thanks to being poor, I have no phone for him to get ahold of me on.

Thanks life. You win again....

:: 2009 1 September :: 6.02pm

Umm...so...graduate school [cries a little].

Where?
What Era/Country to study?
Assistantship or No?
When?

Why?

Off to band.

:: 2009 31 August :: 5.36pm

I had a pretty eventful week..
It was a good ending to a very filled week.
Only worked 3 days last week and only one day was a full 8 hour day.
I got to spend time with some friends I haven't seen in a very long time.
Spent some quality time at home, watching movies.
Worked on some homework.

Maybe I will stop procrastinating so much, and not wait until the last minute to finish 6 weeks worth of work this time..
But probably won't..

I won't ever change..
Well at least I don't ever stop procrastinating..

:: 2009 30 August :: 10.13pm

I just finished my French homework in forty-five minutes. I don't know what to do with myself now...

*amazement ensues*

I guess I could...do more homework...

:: 2009 29 August :: 8.23am

Woop. Woop. Woop.

It concerns me that I have to leave for work in six minutes and I still can't see very well because of just waking up.

:: 2009 28 August :: 12.20am

contrary to previous entries, i feel like i was quite productive today.

i signed my major one of my minors and got a professor to sign a paper to allow me to be a tutor for his class (i signed the major/minor with him too). if i get the tutoring job, i actually get paid and it will look really good on my resume to be tutoring for one of the hardest classes in the major. oh cedar springs did prepare me well :P

theeeeeeeen i went to work. which i really didn't want to after a longish day, but of course i went and actually had a great day! it was a laid back day, everyone was laughing and having fun and i was in my bosses office the last 20 minutes or so of the night and they were just making me laugh. finally myyy turn to stand in the office doing nothing and chatting! although we were very very slow and there were no customers out at the booth anyway.

i feel proud of myself for what i did do and what i have done. i don't give myself credit. i love my major and my classes and each day i go, it just motivates me more to do better and to be more involved to learn more. i just really hope i can find something to really get involved with to help me get into grad school...some sort of volunteering or something. i hope i get the tutoring job but if i don't, i really need to find something to do. hmm, ideas?

anyway, i'm going to jakes tomorrow down by detroit. i haven't seen his apartment yet and i can't WAIT to see him!

:: 2009 27 August :: 11.55am

At eleven this morning I transferred the RSO (Kappa Kappa Psi) into Alex's care. I thought I had already done it, but I guess I hadn't. That means that I am no longer President in any facit. I like that. I'm still busy as hell, though.

Already had:
French

Next:
Linguistics
Shakespeare
Membership Education Committee meeting
Un film en francais
General Business meeting

So, I'll be busy 'til about midnight.

J'adore aller a l'universite mais quelquefois je deteste le programme que j'ai.

:: 2009 26 August :: 7.50pm

i can't stand this. i can't live here with everyone having their significant others over. it makes me so lonely and jealous..and upset. so i cry. i'm alone and i hate it.

Upchuck

:: 2009 25 August :: 10.20pm

There�s no earthly way of knowing
How much Obama�s spending
There�s no knowing which industry we are owning
Or how big the deficit is growing
Is it crashing?
Is it smashing?
Is the economy a slowing?
Ahh! Very little hope is showing
Of a market that must get going
So the danger must be growing
�Cause Wall Street is bowing
YES! The danger must be growing
Because the government keeps on spending
And they�re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing
Because the Red Ink keeps a growing

This has gone far enough
STOP THE BOAT!

I tries posting this on FB, but it just wasn't working.

Ahhh! I want a golden ticket. Me and Obama can ride in a glass ICBM for him to tell me he's giving it all to me. "All to you Charlie. I need a child because the adults would just ruin it all."

Wow, I'm drawing some realistic parallels.

Don't mind my satire. I just don't like all my taxes for the next fifty years foing for needless debt service.

:: 2009 25 August :: 12.52am

and the semester begins again:

bus stop, bus is late, ride bus, tromp to class-claaaaaaaaaaaasss-boring..miss the bus on the way back, stand there..wait. wait. wait. damn bus, get home, fight with roommates, eat tv dinner, sit in room.

repeat.

i miss jake.

jedibumblebee

:: 2009 24 August :: 9.49pm
:: Music: Regina Spektor- Folding Chair

i'm not gone.
Let's get a silver bullet trailer and have a baby boy,
I'll safety pin his clothes all cool and you'll graffiti up his toys.
I've got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget,
I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.

2 laughs | smile

skife

:: 2009 24 August :: 9.12pm

i hate "reality" tv.

these stupid love shows.

8 laughs | smile

:: 2009 24 August :: 9.25am

first.day.of.school.

finally.

skife

:: 2009 21 August :: 2.01pm

$1200 or best offer

15 laughs | smile

:: 2009 21 August :: 2.27am

bah i am sooo tired.

my room was a complete disaster...and i was getting claustrophobic..so i bought organizational crap from wal mart and shoved crap into the organizational crap. now everything is piled away in drawers and crates and who knows how much i'll have to dig to find things. ugh.

i borrowed a book last fall from my friend..it came with a cd..nowww i HAVE the cd. it's here. but where?! i have no fucking clue. she wants it tomorrow..what do i do?? i know i have it, it's just been tucked away somewhere during all this moving and i want to borrow more books from her for this semster (could save me like $300 bucks) but i assume she won't want me to if i can't find that damn cd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jake is leaving tomorrow. i am SO SAD about this. i have never ever ever seen him cry but he did when i was leaving. granted i was bawling and saying i didn't want him to leave me blah blah etc etc..and so when he did a little bit, it made me realize how sucky the situation is. i cry like every time he leaves me for a few weeks or so but this time it's for serious. i really miss him so much already. i don't like to be without him :(

:: 2009 19 August :: 4.30pm

Apparently sucks at life like the rest of society.
Still don't know to deal with frustration and stress..
Should be able to just ignore it after all these years, but if it hasn't happened yet, then it probably won't ever happen.
I need a job that I like..
Maybe then I won't be so frustrated and in super-bitch mode when I come home..

skife

:: 2009 19 August :: 12.45pm

scooter riders.
dear trendy hipsters,

fuck you and your goddamn moped. your not cool because you ride a fucking scooter, most of you arn't even legally riding them, 150cc's with a moped sticker slapped on it, its classified as a moped you queer.

i hate these fuckers riding down the road at 35mph that you can't get around because they ride in the middle of the lane.

fuck you moped guys.

11 laughs | smile

:: 2009 16 August :: 11.07pm

To think that this meaningless thing was ever a rose,
Scentless, colourless, THIS!
Will it ever be thus (who knows?)
If we wait till the close?

Tho' we care not to wait for the end, there comes the end
Sooner, later, at last,
Which nothing can mar, nothing mend:
An end locked fast,
Bent we cannot re-bend.

-Christina Rossetti "Summer is Ended"

:: 2009 16 August :: 8.36pm

I am in kind of a crappy mood today.
I don't deal with frustation well at all.
And I am stressed about this financial aid crap.
I just want it to all be done with already..
I have to get papers up to MCC as soon as I can, that will finish processing my financial aid..
Yeah it sounds easy considering I live like 5 miles from the college.
But I leave at 6:40 in the morning, and they don't open until like 8 or 9.. and I get out of work at 4.. and the financial aid office closes at 4:30.. and i can't get from belding to sydney with enough time to get everything situated..
So hopefully they will let me fax the papers and then go from there..

I found an online program for what I want to do, but it is not covered by financial aid or student loans, and you have to make payments on its for a year..

It's crap. I feel like I am in a rut and that it doesnt matter what I do or how hard I work toward something, that I wont ever get out of it..
I want to be successful, and have money, love and everything else..
But once an obstacle comes in my path, and I get frustrated I am just ready to give up because I get so upset.

Will it ever change?

angel_bob

:: 2009 16 August :: 1.21am

My mom is on facebook now.

My life will never be the same.

4 laughs | smile

:: 2009 13 August :: 4.12am

Christina Rossetti=My dead poetess crush of the Victorian Era
4am= Oddly awake after five hours of sleep
Lou Dobbs= Dumb