jus4fun06
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2006 7 May :: 9.58pm
sometimes, i am just too shy
 i cant get you out of my head. plain and simple. seeing you drives me crazy, drives me wild. i think i may, actually, get the courage to hang out with you. maybe we can have some fun. maybe you will say yes. but i am deathly afraid youll say no. i can hear you saying no. i can see you exploiting me, holding my soul out bare for all to grab hungerly. They will tear me apart. i know you have that power. i can tell each time you make those smart lil marks. "stop flirting in concession" but is it the old clique that you are mean to the ones you like? you. only you, have i made fun of despite the fact i like you. i think i can cover up all the feelings i have of you just by being mean. sometimes we are nice. but its only when no one is around. i think of each lil thing. everyone and rip it apart, looking for some hidden meaning. something, anything to hint one way or another. i have at least part of you figured out, but the rest is a mystery. not only to me, but everyone else. dear emily telling me she cant even imagine you with another girl. she cant tell me wither or not it is even wise to try. but i think i might. maybe not this week with finals, but the next week. when you are free. maybe, just maybe we can spend some time together. i know we wouldnt be able to tell anybody. i know how dangerous that is, but ill gladly keep you a secret if i must. before anything, i want to at least be your friend. complete one step before the other. i want everything to go right this time. but i cant try now. no. its so wrong. i need to losen my grasp. i need to get away. i hope this week, apart, is the medication i need.
-- horoscope --
Luxuriate in your own emotions today as opulent Jupiter in your sign participates in a wonderful love fest. Your optimism can easily overflow and even be contagious; however something may be gnawing away at you from the inside. This negativity can be just a passing thought if you are willing to be flexible in your thinking. Once you know the source of your anxiety, you'll be able to easily move past it.
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jus4fun06
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2006 7 May :: 1.08am
fuck. i was talking about you today and it was the wrong person to tell. fuck. i know you hate me. i know i dotn matter. but i have so much hope, that we could possibly, maybe end up together. i can see you being so sweet. i can see us togther, as a couple. im only mean to hide my true feelings, to make you give me attention, all the cliches... you drive me more insane cause you weave in and out of my thoughts when i only want you gone. i know i have no chance so i wanna give up. forget it, but i cant.
i picture us together. youre so sweet. i picture us holding hands and doing all that couples do. i can almost feel myself kissing your lips. my fingers running through your hair. feeling youre strong arms around me. i can imagine touching your chest. your breath by my ear. i can also imagine us fighting. you angerly slam your truck door and drive away, furciously swearing. but i can also see us making up. exchanging our "im sorry"s.
everything about you is so damn perfect. in fact, youre the first guy that i am actually shy about. i just wish we could be together. and it torments me that i cant in any way.
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jus4fun06
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2006 5 May :: 1.50pm
:: Mood: optimistic
i think about the future more and more each day. I think of all the things i could see and be apart of. I cant wait to start everything a new. no one will know me. no one will expect anything. i can be all i want and no one will get in my way. i will be the quite, meek person ive always wanna be. i can eat lil and noone will think i am ill. no one will call me. no one will tell me so much hopingill care. i know so many people's dark secrets, but some days they seem so much. i dont wanna know. i wanna be surrounded by people, but untouched by them. dont want them to penitrate into my world. i need to concentrate on my studies. make me a life. a single, lonely life, but itll be soo less complicated.
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Jaganshi
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2006 30 April :: 2.34am
Blue Roses!
For my own record, but I really thought someone else might think this is nifty, too.
2 ? |
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Jaganshi
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2006 28 April :: 6.16pm
You know what?
I've been away for a very long time, and now that I've come back, the things that were bothering me seem to have gotten a bit better.
The people I'm watching are writing entries that are more specific. They were always personal, but people are actually saying what's going on now instead of merely telling me why everything is pain and suffering when you're fourteen years old and damn doesn't it suck.
The grammar's gotten better. Even in journals I'm not watching. People are using English, and it gives me hope for the internet.
I'll still be on livejournal, but for those of you I used to know: I may be around more, trying to get to know you again.
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