:: 2005 13 October :: 6.51 am

just what i want to wake up to.

every day just keeps getting better and better.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.02 pm

i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.

before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.

i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.

*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.

i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.

i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.







ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.


im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....

maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.

this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.42 pm

noo, god im just so fucking mad...... its just a multiple entry type of rage i guess....

what the hell is your problem?

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.39 pm

im done with this.

i had a rotten day, and the one thing i was looking forward to taking comfort in cancelled on me.

i could very easily take comfort in something else.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 3 October :: 7.20 pm

tonights laguna night, im waiting for keegan to get out of work so we can go over to stacys. that kristin... dirty little skank. giggles

im excited for homecoming, especially since i wont be so pale.. thank god for bronzing tanning lotion.

yeah, so algebra 2 is kicking my ass... anyone care to help me out?!

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 29 September :: 9.43 pm

play tryouts, powderfuff practice, tanning *FINALLY* (and yes you STILL owe me 20) and now hopefully a LOT of shut eye. say hello to another crazy busy weekend... SHOOT me.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 27 September :: 10.23 pm

im so tired. we just got back from the mall(s)... it is NOT fun dress shopping.. but ALAS i found one. and its green.. that wonderful las vegas green.. and i've tried it on and all that jazz again since i got home.. and cant find a single thing wrong with it or that i dont like. thats always nice.

7 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 27 September :: 6.09 am

another day.

i think me and keegan are gonna find my homecomming dress after school today. its about time. i really wanna find that perfect dress... its hard cuz i cant see myself falling in love with a dress the way i fell in love with my prom dress. it really did look perfect.

last night was laguna night...... if ONLY brad would have been awake. *kicks him and giggles

i dont wanna go to first hour today. im already behind on my algebra. GREAT. im just sick of having homework every night. and esp. math homework. i guess more than anything im just sick of this stupid routine of waking up, crawling out of bed, and going to school. to bad i cant just sleep the rest of my life.

my mom got me a hundred dollar gift card to this salon in rockford called genisis as an end of red flannel thing. im SO looking forward to getting a massage with it. i think the day of homecomming im gonna go there and get a massage and have my hair and nails done. i deserve to be pampered once in awhile. esp after this last week.

side note: GET TAN ERIKA! im so white right now. i just hate throwing money into such a dangerous thing as tanning. wooooo.. lets go buy cancer. hells yeah!

after we get my dress... its straight back to keegans for a nap.

i just zoned out there for awhile.. i hate when that happens. well i guess i've rambled on long enough about nothing in particular. and i suppose i should get dressed and try and look all wonderfull....

*sighs... our drama project....

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 25 September :: 10.20 pm

*sighs

could i BE anymore sad. at least desperate housewives was on tonight to comfort me.



lately... whenever we're apart i get this empty feeling inside. like it almost hurts that you arent with me. and as much as i hate it, i love feeling that way. not empty, but complete when i'm with you. now hows THAT for "is the glass half empty or half full"... 10 months and we're still goin strong.

*sighs again... last night was hard. we are no longer the reigning red flannel girls... but we will ALWAYS be the 2004 girls and the connection we formed with eachother and with Sue is unbreakable.


what a hectic weekend.. im suffering from sleep deprivation... is that a word? ahh well.. close enough.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 22 September :: 11.33 pm

great.. now my eyes are gonna be all puffy.

im so sick of feeling this way. im so sick of hating myself. lately it seems thats all i've been doing. and with the pageant two days away my hormones are running haywire. i'm one of those stupid girls who cries all the time for no reason. nobody understand how sad i am about giving up red flannel. my whole life its been one of my dreams and now its just over. then what? i feel like i'ts all built up to that.. and now one of the only things that has been keeping me happy is being taken away from me. man... 2 days. its happend way to soon.

it makes me sad that the thing i confide in most is my journal. and at the same time there are so many things that run through my mind that i cant even begin to fathom how to say or write down. i honestly think that im crazy. i dont know why i overreact the way i do. lately i've been a basketcase. im always on edge.. AND i've been overanalyzing everything. i dont think people realize how self concious i am or how low my self esteem is. i take major offence to negative critisism. and thats hard when you're hardest critic is yourself.. and you're telling yourself that you're not worth anything and there are so many people better than you in all things so why even bother. thats pretty hard when you cant even believe the things you're boyfriend tells you to try and make you feel better because you're mind is asking you if you really CAN trust him.

see, i have this trust issue. especially with guys. and this is where most of my viewpoints on love come from. i think that if i open up, then im inviting someone into hurt me. and lately i've felt like that been happening. so what do i do? i start to shut down, and turn away from the one person who tries to help. and at the same time, i dont want help. im also very independent. and i dont like having to depend on other people, esp when it comes to dealing with all my crazy mental problems. and i feel there are many.

i just feel as if i've never quite fit anywhere. i guess thats not such a bad thing. but i mean comon... i'm not of that caliber to ever be voted homecoming queen, i feel completely out of place around all the punkish and goth people because i feel like they're looking at me like "she's such a prep.. blah blah blah" and then with the preps i feel like they're saying (the girls anyways) oh she thinks she's better than everyone, and look at the way she walks, does she ever not wear heels, and so on and so forth. i dont see how people think that about me. ive heard that so many times.... even keegan said thats what he thought of me before he got to know me. do you know how much that hurts? to think that the person i've thought was so cool all these years thought i was "stuck up" and he's not the only one. i mean.. what do i do that gives off that vibe? i try to pretend that im confident.. but im not. does that come off cocky? i try to be involved with as many things as i can so i can at least have some tangable things to be proud of.. does that make me.... i dont even know.. but obviously it makes me something.

life has made me so bitter. and yes i realize that people have it way worse, but how is that supposed to help? right here and right now, im not thinking about hurricanes or famines.... maybe that makes me a terrible person... but for once i'm thinking about myself. i dont do that very often, but when i break down like this..... what else am i supposed to think about? i just want to get to the root of the problem.

i think the greatest thing in the world would be to go through counseling.... even if i wasnt this down on myself. to have somebody weekly help you work out your feelings who actually cares, and who WANTS to listen and WANTS to help you figure out what the problem is..... that'd be the greatest thing ever.

its hard not to think back to my sophomore year where i didnt have a boyfriend because it was the end of kevin and before keegan. my grades were phenominal, my attitude was awesome, and my faith was stronger than its ever been. i've gone so down hill. and dont get me wrong.... i would trade my relationship with keegan for anything, and i dont blame it for my downfall.... but its just hard not to wonder if its one of the MANY reasons i am the way i am. i know i became dependent on spending time with him this summer... so now when i cant spend time with him i get so mad. almost irate. and its so stupid, and not fair for him. i just want him to be happy. and i want to be happy. and i want us to be happy together. im always worrying about what he wants. and if im what he wants or if he wants a girl that writes poetry, or dances, or doesnt make such a big deal out of things.... and he tells me time and time again. " you're exactly what i want" but i wont let myself believe it. ever. it wont happen, as much as i want to. because i pick myself apart, and when i feel like OTHER people are picking me apart it makes everything 5 times worse.

we're happy together. and i know that maybe i make it seem like all we do is fight, and yes, there HAVE been alot of bumps. but i like to tell myself that all relationships have them. it just sucks because i dont want to fight with him. im so sick of fighting that i've stopped caring, and thats not good. im just tired of feeling this way, and not being able to breath through my nose, and having swollen eyes and then waking up and pretending like nothing is wrong. keegans my best friend and i care about him more than i care about myself. and i cant figure out if thats a good thing or a bad thing.... but im guessing most people would say its bad. its just because i feel like i have so little self worth.

many things have made me feel that way. chris and yancy being the main two. all i ever wanted from chris was acceptance... but no matter how hard i tried, i never acheived it. nothng i ever did was good enough. i remember just breaking down one night and screaming "why do you hate me, WHY do you hate me" and you never answered me, and he never said that he didnt. it never got better. and the things he put us through are pure evil. that was the start of my rage. he's the reason i can so easily be filled with so much anger. and then yancy... i didnt know anything about him. and feeling abondened isnt a good thing, no matter who it is. and it doesnt matter if you dont know them.. it still hurts. it makes you wonder what things would have been like if you were never born. because that thought has gone through my head plenty times.

or what would it be like if the doctors were right and i would have died in that car accident when i was a baby. what would my moms life be like now. would it be easier?

or what if in my lowest point my thoughts really did get the best of me like i feared they would.... would my familys life be less hassal?

or what if i just wasnt pyscho..... that'd make everybodys life easier.

but i guess none of that matters, because i AM here, and the emotions i feel ARE real, very real.. and theres nothing i can do but hope everything gets better, despite the voice in my head telling me that they wont.

my faith has been so bad lately. i wouldnt even call it a faith. perhaps god is punishing me for turning my back on him. but sometimes i feel that you cant turn your back on something when their back was turned to you in the first place. last summer got really bad, and i would most definately say it was the worst time of my life so far.... i was busy and working, and barely having enough time to live, and i went outside and just sceamed at the sky.... and it helped. because its almost like the stars absorb all the pain you lay out for them. thats what the mountains do for me. i need to live in the mountains someday.... maybe that'll keep me sane. getting out of cedar and away from everypart of my life that i once i knew will be the best though. i could never leave my mom and shelby behind though, and depending on keegan and if we were still together... i couldnt leave him either. its my mom though.... i cant live without her. if she were die tomorrow..... i would dig my own grave, because living wouldnt be worth it. she's my rock, and truthfully all i need to be happy. i mean yeah.. keegan and my sister are pretty high up there.... but without my mom, i dont think the world would keep spinning in the right direction... .at least mine wouldnt anyway.

i dont know where things are going, and i dont know what direction my life is gonna take.... i just pray its better than this.

:: 2005 22 September :: 10.13 pm

stacy... gahhh i need to talk to you and you know what about. laughs* *yells... HITS HIM.

im so frustrated. and what the hell... its 10:15 and i cant get ahold of him. god, it makes me wonder what he's doing. cuz hes NOT at home thats for sure. and he keeps neglecting to answer his phone. funny how that happens. how when after we fight he somehow becomes impossible to get ahold of.

oh.. on a POSITIVE note.. saturday will be 10 months. should i be dancing right now? ohhh wait.. thats already taken care of.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 21 September :: 6.08 am

i worked at lazerskate last night for the first time in just about forever.

finally a day off. a whole WEEK off at that. now i can just relax, be sad about the pageant... and perhaps start writing my speech! how sad is that! i have like 2 days to write my farewell speech.. ah well. im sure it'll be wonderful, its just hard for me dealing with the realization that is over.

on a side note..... did ANYONE realize exactly how soon homecomming is?! urghhh!

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 19 September :: 6.11 am

its laguna beach night....

mwah ha ha.. *points at brad and keegan* that means for you guys as well.

i went to bridgeway with my friend becca yesterday... i liked it. next sunday me and keegan are gonna check out res life in rockford. we've been wanting to find a good church... any suggestions.

i dont feel like doing anything this morning.... *cries... i wanna sleep

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 15 September :: 10.52 pm

i spoke to soon.

what was i thinking?! it was only 10... i should have KNOWN that there was still time to end on a bad note and go to sleep pissed off. i should have KNOWN that i wouldnt be able to sleep tonight because somebody doesnt care when im upset. but wait... "what was he supposed to say" it wasnt the time nor the place was it? because you were off busy having fun werent you. well ya know what... i dont KNOW what time i'll get around to calling you in the morning. and when you read this late at night when you get home, i hope you're just as upset and pissed off as i am. because there are things you're gonna wanna talk to me about and "you cant" because i'll be sleeping. bummer huh. to bad how that works. how one of goes to school and the other doesnt. ya SORRY i cant answer my phone during class by the way.

goodnight darling.

5 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 15 September :: 10.11 pm

me and danielle just went shopping.... i didnt know it was possible to laugh so much in one simple trip to the mall.. giggles.

less than 2 weeks.... and then our reign is over. im so sad... but at least im out of denial! laughs.... and i havent had a nightmare in a few nights.... woot woot.

keegans out dancing right now... well practicing anyways. *smiles...... all it takes is his name.. and ughrlekjraslk... i dont even know. every day it gets stronger, everyday he becomes more beautiful than the last... emotionaly, physically, spiritually.... and i love it because we're growing into one relationship instead of 2 different parts of one. and that doesnt even make sence, and i dont even make sence, but thats ok. because it doesnt have to.

i got the CUTEST little boxer shorts from american eagle tonight.. aww.

alright.. off to bed.


SEPTEMBER 25TH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES COMES BACK!

could i BE any more excited?! *giggggles

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 13 September :: 9.53 pm

i feel like i've already made some new friends this year.
*giggles.. te he. how 6 year old did that sound... i dont care :)

tomorrow will be the first days since school got out that i can just be with keegan from the time i get out of school to the time i go to bed. no work, no nothing..

me and stacy made brad and keegan watch laguna with us last night. im thinking it should become a weekly ritual... mwah ha ha.

GO TO BED ERIKA
ok fine.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 11 September :: 8.25 pm

even though i have breakdowns, and even though we can fight.... neither one happens often or lasts long, and at the end of every day i can tell myself regardless of the situation that im part of a beautiful relationship with my best friend...... and if it feels like at times the whole world points out my flaws and imperfections, i know that there's a place i can run for protection, because when you hold me everything else melts away and its just us.

:)

kourtney, stacy, brianna, kelli, and taryn.... you guys are great... thanks for lifting me up when i needed it. it really helped. :)

6 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 10 September :: 12.52 am

i hate this. im stuck awake because we just ended on bad terms and now im all upset and crying and hating myself and he's just fine having fun with his friends, doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. and guess what.. its my fault. god i hate myself. i always do this. when i get accoustomed to something.. its not easy for me to let it go. i got used to seeing him alllll the time.. and when i dont get that attention... i cant take it. and i dont care if that makes me selfish.. and then i do care, and then i dont again. and im just so confused. i havent been this upset so FREQUENTLY in a long time. and espeacially tonight... we never end phone conversations on bad terms... but tonight is different. well different in the way that this time when we fought scott could here. thanks alot, make me look like a total bitch in front of your friends. is that what you want them to think? do you get some sort of joy out of people feeling sorry for you because of your crazy girlfriend? "oh no baby you're the only one i want, you're the girl i want" what boyfriend wants to make his girlfriend cry all the time... its like you wont give up until i start crying.. except tonight.. you know that i am, and you dont care. because YOU'RE upset becasue of me. it doesnt matter that i've been sitting at home ALL fucking night waiting for you, at least YOU were having fun. yeah... FUN lets drive an hour and a half and spend 30 dollars... you better not EVER complain to me about not having money. "well i got payed today" and so what'd you do? you went out and spent it right away. "its 11 dollars and that includes food" which it apparantly didnt. "its only 45 minutes away" which it wasnt. "i call you back as soon as i know if we're in the final 4" which you didnt. "i just didnt think to call you, i dont know what else to say" there ya go.. didnt think to call me. because thats how it is..... your breakdancing has nothing to do with me. im the unsupportive girlfriend who calls you and doesnt want to get off the phone because she's upset. i should have just come home and said fuck the battle, fuck keegan, i dont wanna know whats going on, and just went to bed on time like i planned. i didnt think i would be up this late. but yeah... i can see you tomorrow because YOU'RE free... because YOU dont have plans. whenever it works out for you because you're things are more important. *your job: "im paying 400 dollars a month for my car, arent you happy i got a new car?" "you dont even act happy about my new job, if i would have known you'd have gotten so upset i wouldnt have applied" *breakdancing: "yeah... its super important, we're not getting paid, probably wont win, and hey lets spend money in there while we're at it." "oh and hey, lets take my car because nobody else in the world drives"

seriously.. i am such a self concious person. one of the things i said in drama class today was that one of my biggest fears is that people will see me only for the things i do and not actually see me. my biggest fear in my relationship is that he'll just see my faults and what i dont do. i try so hard. in everything. im the president of the student senate, editor of the yearbook, red flannel queen, throw a relationship in there, school work, tryting to be more "active" in my family so my mom gets off my case.... its exhausting. and sometimes i just cant do it. i get so overwhelmed and what do i do? i keep going, there's no breaks. and i feel like if i fail or if something goes wrong somebodys gonna say "look what she did" im terrified of failing. im so self critical. but nobody would know that. i have alot of "friends" but hardly anybody knows me. keegans one of the few that do and that makes it hard because it would be so easy for him to hurt me. and im so scared of that. i always have a gaurd up with people, and for once i dont. and i hate when i sometimes think... "what are you doing erika" whats the matter with you... why are you letting someone it.

when i let someone in, that means im at their mercy. anything they say or do could affect me. and it doesnt help that as much as i may say i dont care what other people think of me... i do. very much. and im very defensive. i mean... what the hell.. i've cried more in the past week than i have in the past 2 months. thats not healthy. i dont cry. im supposed to be the strong one. what happens when i cant be that.

i pride myself in being strong and not letting things get to me. i've always told people, no im not emotional... so what the fuck is going on with me. lately i've just felt that i have no one. that nobody will EVER know me. that nobody will ever understand me.

one of my biggest fears is that i'll never fall in love and be alone forever. it sounds stupid, but its so true. the experiences that i have, and the things that i've seen, and am still witnessing my mom go through have shaped me in more ways than i can even count. im just so critical when it comes to love, that im afraid i'll never find it because i'll never be satisfied. just with mymoms situation... shes still dealing with chris. i thought when we left it was over, and finally our lives would turn out.. and they have, but he still has that same power over us. i swear he's satan... and im just a little person, its not healthy to feel so much hate towards one person. and when i get so angry i dont know what to do, and i dont know how to express or deal with my anger so it all builds up and then it subsides and just more or less burries itself away. so then i have all this built up emotion and it always just comes out one night. and thats the night where i talk to my mom and i cry and tell her why i hate myself and confess my insecurities and bring up the past and all the terrible things that for some reason im still not letting go. and then she makes me feel better and i move on. but it never fully goes away.... it always comes back.

i dont even know why i get so angry with him... he's right, it is my fault. i AM the one who overdoes it, who blows things out of proportion. he's always telling me that. "you're being irrational" "your making to big a deal out of this" "you're making me feel bad for ...." and then when i finally talk to him about it tells me that its not all my fault.... well does he know me at all to know that everything he says to me sticks with me. and every lie that ANYONE tells me sticks with me and makes me question myself. and feeds more into my insecurities.

right now... he's fine. and here i am sitting alone venting to a stupid online journal where anyone who reads this will judge me on some level and im just making myself more vulnerable.. but what else can i do? keegans not here for me and made it very apparant that he was done talking, and my moms sleeping. those are my two people. the only two people i have, and i cant depend on either of them to be there whenever i need them. and i know thats not right, and of course somebody wont always be able to be there. but this is what happens. i over think and everything comes out. everything i hate about myself comes out. i mean i have stacy... and she knows me pretty darn good, but its different. its the facts that she knows, not the emotions. and thats not a bad thing.. because i dont know here emotions either and she's just an amazing friend that i can trust anything with. but its hard to let that gaurd down to anybody... obviously since i've only done it twice. im so afraid of realizing what a small number of friends i have. most people just assume things about me that are completely untrue. i hate drama and i HATE when somebody says something bad about me or doesnt like me. not because i think everyone should like me, or because it pisses me off... but it hurts. it really hurts... and when i start to hear things about myself, i start to believe them. it doesnt matter if i know its not true. i start to believe them, and then i fear that other people will start to believe them. prime example is that whole ordeal with mitch and the senior group. i felt so attacked, and he called me such horrible things and then people in his journal that dont even know me said such terrible things when in reality what i said was taken so far out of context. his purpose was to make me look like a preppy bitch. so what did i do. i tried to defend myself, and in turn got even more names, and even more hurtful things... but i couldnt help but defend things. and you may say that it doesnt matter if somebody who doesnt know you says shit... well yes it does. i take offense to it greatly. i just want to be liked. more than anything i need acceptance... because as a child i didnt get it from key people in my life that i should have gotten it from. and then at 10 losing my grandpa was the worst thing i've ever experienced. i know alot of people say that their grandparents are their best friend, and who am i to say that they're lying... but for me my grandpa was my best friend, and the only father figure i ever had. i was with him all the time... the only place i ever wanted to be or ever was was with him. he took care of me and my mom because it was just the two of us. and so i never stopped to think that hey... all my friends have a mom AND a dad. when i lost him my world stopped spinning. for once i was alone with nobody to tell my secrets to and it all happend to soon. and on top of losing him chris and my mom got seperated, and it was just terrible. so many times i just need him, and he's not here for me. and sometimes i find myself angry with god because i just feel like he's been taking things from me and targeting me for so long. i just want to feel that protection that my grandpa gave me.. and the security. i need those things. and at times i feel like keegan doesnt care, or doesnt know, or doesnt care to find out.

im so self concious in everything... i hate my face and my body and the fact that if the red flannel pageant required a talent, i wouldnt know what to do. i feel talentless... like i cant do anything. theres nothing special about any of the things that i can do. i get so jealous of danielle because she plays the piono so beautifully. i just feel like all my friends have an outlet, and i just lack one. what would i do... get up there and create a yearbook template? i cant sing, i dont play sports, i dont play an instrument, i dont even feel good enough for my drama class.... so how can i expect to run for high pageants? in the past couple of months i've basically given up on that. why do i do that? i just give up on dreams. and at the same time i dont. i've achieved so much sucess in high school... but then again i dont get all A's, im not the teacher favorite, i dont play sports, i fit into NO social group whatsoever. i feel like im not popular enough to be "able" to talk freely to those people, i dont fit in with the circle or the goths or whatever they call themselves now because im "preppy".... and so if im not preppy enough, or depressed enough, or athletic enough, or smart enough... where do i fit it at? im just erika.

i need to just get used to that.... im just erika.
whatever... fuck this.
and see, then thats my next step... to say forget it. thats why i do what i do.. i'd rather let things burry down inside me then to deal with them, because in all honestly it just hurts to much.

7 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 9 September :: 10.41 pm

im tired, but am i sleeping? nooo.. why would i be sleeping when the phones just gonna ring as soon as i fall asleep. i honestly think this whole thing is so stupid. its not even the crew.. its 2 and then some random fill in. whats the sence in even going then if you dont even think you're gonna win. they got there at 6, and the breakdance battle didnt even start until about 9:30... but thats all cool, because they were warming up... for THREE hours?! oooook. i was feeling kind of bad about not going cuz i had to work, but gauranteed i would NOT be in a good mood if i was still stuck down in god knows where. yeah, i hope they win and all.... but i'll be happy when this whole stupid thing is over.



in better news: tomorrows stacys bon fire.
in worse news: i have to work tomorrow through tuesday... mmm
in even worse news: im so fucking tired... gahh.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 5 September :: 2.43 pm

last night was the perfect last night of summer.

i love waking up to you.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 27 August :: 12.41 pm

yayyy today is the double date. me and keegan are going out with jess hazen and bobby. im soooo excited... not only is it a double date.. its a BLIND date... ohhh yeah.



weird... speaking of blind i had a dream last night that i was blind. and it all was because of... well that doesnt matter... but thats some scary stuff!

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 25 August :: 6.53 am

maaaaan... its amazing how many people cant wait to take stabs at brad for what happend... but where exactly is it your place to do that? lets give stacy some credit here... what, do you think she's stupid? because i DO believe she's old enough to decide what SHE does in her OWN life.

stacy.... last night, just seeing how you guys are made me so incredibly happy. all this talk about you being "happy"..... you ARE... laughs. so i dont know what their talking about. just forget it.... because like you said, nobody knows him like you do.. nobody knows YOU like he does. and thats a beautifull thing.

just thought i'd stick up for one of the greatest couples i know.

:)

i love you.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 24 August :: 1.54 pm

im so happy i never got into the whole high school partying thing. what an empty pathetic weekend. woohoo lets get drunk even though we're underaged and fuck things up for ourselves a little bit more. YEAH! way to feed into the stereotypes people.


anyway..... we had our E board meeting today. hopefully tomorrows goes good too.. im a little nervous about how its set up... but i guess we'll see how it goes. if anyone on senate reads this remember its tomorrow morning.

last night of blues tonight... im sad. me and stacy went downtown yesterday and i got so anxious for today. its so exciting with all the people... scott, micah, stacy, brad.... yayyy.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 22 August :: 11.20 am

woohu.... im going to buy new scrubs.

i hate scrubs. girls at school wear scrub bottoms and think they look all hot.... if they had to wear them to work everynight i doubt they'd be so excited to wear them. i haaaaaatttee scrubs.. bahh.

i have a red flannel thing tonight on this tv show called heaven is my home... aparantly its on channel 22 or 23 and their gonna ask us questions and then air it on and off for 2 weeks... so thats cool. and then sunday we're going to WGVU to take part in their telethon thing.... and we're gonna be on tv then too. woot woot.

me and keegan watched the aristacats last night.... i love disney movies.

heyy.. does anyone know of a good place to have a birthday party? my little sister is turning 5 and we want to have a really fun party for her.... and before you say chuckie cheese.... dont. thx.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 21 August :: 1.40 pm

i slept till 12:30 today.... it feels so good to sleep.

im trying to remember what i did yesterday..... but im drawing a blank.

ohhhh... we had the greenville parade yesterday mornin... scott and keegan came out to see us. half way through the parade sue picked up a couple of "hitch hikers" too..... laughs.

then after i got out of work me and keegan watched the wedding date.. it was gooooood. then we fell asleep... i got home around 4, slept till 12:30, had a hamburger.... found out one of my friends is "engaged to be engaged" whatever the hell that means, and now im sitting here waiting for keegan to bring me my scrub top for work tonight.

he's gotta work at logans tonight..... you should all go see him.

hmmmmmm.....

senate meetings wednesday and thursday.... my only 2 days off.... tears.

well... im pretty boring right now... guess i'll go.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 20 August :: 7.52 am

greeeeat... the greenville parade is this morning and is raining.. bahh.

we saw the 40 year old virgin last night, it was really funny. i liked wedding crashers better... but it was pretty good.

then we got back to keegans and for an hour and a half went through clothes and priced them for their garage sale today... the rain helps for THAT too.. damn rain.

i need to finish school shopping. i just dont feel like it. im all shopped out.

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 19 August :: 12.31 pm

my computer is toooooooo slow.

i am now without a user pic. till i can get to keegans because he has a good comp. bahh. well, which is tonight.. but still.


NOTE TO SELF: dont ever leave your car at his house with the hopes that he'll beable to get you back to it. he has no self control when it comes to sleeping... hmph. awww but he's so cute when he sleeps.

i have to work the next 4 days in a row.... AND our hours got cut. people keep dying at metron... we need to go to a grocery store or bingo tournament and recruit more old people... maybe that'd solve the problem. you never know.

i really SHOULD go work on the goodbye letter for the post that i assured sue was nearly done..... mehhh. i dont want to! i still have a month left! its not over yet! *cries.... im going through denial. i ALSO dont know who all is trying out for red flannel this year... so if anybody knows... leave me a comment pleeaaaasssee. and good luck to all futrue prospects! mmmm..... here comes the sadness again.

blueberry pancakes sound good.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2005 18 August :: 12.21 pm

i hate cleaning... i get distracted to easily.

went to blues last night... totally got hit on by the guys in the olive express.... even got a discount on my lemonade... ooooh yeah.

scott came down, and i talked to wyatt quite a bit... what a doll he is. i talked to yancy too... always a plus. i love how i can talk to him so easily about anything.... sighs* if only everything was perfect.. he'll never fully grow up though.

KEEGANS here..... gotta go... i love seeing his car pull up the driveway.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..