oh man
so whenever i write poetry or anything it's when i'm either mad, estatic about sumthing, slighty depressed or I have no one to go to....
but yeah this kid is just throwing me for a loop. It's like the qualities underneath his false exterior just jumble me around. He's smart and i love that... just overrall knowledgable about the world around us but he isn't obnoxious about his intellegence it just comes out in conversations. But speaking of conversations there is none verbally... just dancing fingers over keyboards, not inflections in voice. It kills me that he won't hang out with me.... is it fear or wat? I'm not gonna bite his head off i just wanna get to know him in person, see if we can hold a conversation about something/anything. I can't be this crazy b/c it can't be wrong to feel or think the way i do. It's been like two months and I've kept myself fixated on an object of my desire/ curiousity. Although we're looking for different things..........and with that note I'm no ones effin booty call. But wtf- i don't know what i want. maybe the long term thing doesn't work for me.. so far it kinda has but maybe i need to just give things a try and before i completely check them off my list of "not-in-a-million-years" things.

confused doesn't have enough letters in it to explain my mood....

i told myself i could do this thing be the hunter and get what I started out for. but to be honest with myself I dont know if I could emotionaly handle it and I thought i could just give it a try..... it's a small portion of the huge life i have left to live and i couldn't hurt. if it doesn't work oh well if it does then that would be great...........goodness gracious... neway i wrote this...


"Confused"
Why, when it all seems so crystal, do they have to breathe more life into you
And fog up the glass you worked so hard to shine
When you think you have the world figured out and then that extra variable gets thrown in
And takes away all meaning to an equation that worked just fine
How you think that “oh things are just getting started” but the gun shot was never fired
And you haven’t made your way to the starting line
When you second guess so much that it becomes the third, the fifth, the sixth time
I can’t hold on to something without any tangibility
All have now are words plainly spoken to me
Actions could unveil something deeper
But should I keep digging if there might not be anything there
-Javonne

alright then enough said....
adios

an electronic diary entry
last one was a test....

Well it's a bright sunny Sunday morning and here i am at home. Nothing real important going on, just thought i'd write in this ol' thang....

Woohu has been there for sum real times in my life, boi o boi

A first "love" and a second (and yes quotes are essential)
^ speaking on that i feel so stressed, beyond belief type stress. Like wat would have happened if i wasn't so tied up in the past and i was happier with something i really wanted instead of liein to myself and growning in love/like with ppl........

boo whoo tear wtf- ever.... :(


I wish i was the type of person to give into my id once in a while and act on impulse and just not think about wat could happen and just go for what i want.......i think i missout on sooo much that way but i don't know what i miss out on b/c my mind can barely branch out enuff to think about possibilities.........


newho and college
^ even more stress because i'm not sure wat to do with this whole thing there is only one place i want to be and i think well i don't want to just apply newhere, but i'm starting to realize that i have to do double work i've been doin b/c application time is narrowing down......no lateness and no holiday stressin

and faith
^ i'm just about 18 and unsaved i feel embarassed to say it... i don't feel as if i inderstand completly wat it means...i know im protected but i thought if i confess my love of god it's all set and done........ which i do im not ashamed and i let ppl know..ut when im in church and they do alter calls and say if u have not confessed your love of god or w/e i think every single eye is on me....even though it's not. dramatic to say but i can feel it, i guess thats just insecurity working me over. I sit there and i think let me go up there but i have a bible and i go to church i feel as if i look to god with my questions and stuff but i just am rediculously lost. And when im sitttn in the seats listening to the preacher and he says things like Halloween in wrong, gay/lesbian is wrong, abortion is wrong, and then jumps in politics ex. "don't vote based on color vote based on the issues and those who are deffending god". I don't agree with it

kids don't c halloween as the devils holiday when u put ideas in there heads saying how evil it is u poison them and take away there innocence....no one says christmas is wrong but kids look foward to a fat white man going down the chimney and bringing them gifts......... not as a faithfull celebration


even thought it's not my preference, i don't c homosexuality as a problem i c it as a lifestyle. by sumone standing infornt of hundreds of ppl in a place of god and sayin loving another person is worng, what kind of message is that...... u may not like what they do but u can't hate who they are

i don't like abortion but i won't tell someone they shouldn't do it....lots of ppl have no one to turn to in situations like that and despite other choices some ppl aren't fortunate enuff to have them

and don't tell me who i should vote for....... if you start tryin to minipulate how ppl will vote and change the outcome of the races it isn't their vote anymore it's pastor "such and such's" vote. I don't want to stand in that little booth saying to myself well i could ote him but pastor says the idea of yadda yadda is wrong..........i want to have a clear level head and base my choice on what i believe/know/base my life on

and after i typed all that i still want to go to church and hope one day i'll hear a message that will forever change my life for the better and give me a clear cut answer to my faith, love life or career. I don't have sumone to turn to and ask "wat should i do to be saved" or "if really don't mind what college i go to so long as i go, does that mean im undetermined" or "should i go for what i want and not be so afraid of what the outcome could be"

Im mad/sad
I hate snow and all that comes with it. I was suppose to go out with dan and his mom today but because of a fake winter storm warning we can't. I was looking foward to it. He's mad too. But that doesn't mean I can't try to figure out a way around it.......... dun dun DUN! Anyway this weekend was an adventure. On Friday i went to dan's to work on a project with adam and jenai. It started fine till we realized we couldn't work together and we were doing the wrong project. Then afterthey left I stayed at dan's house 3 hours past the time i was suppose to be home so i got home at about 10. Bad i know and my dad was mad too. Although i didn't get a bad punishment at all. Then on Sunday we went to church and on the way to church everyone was complaining about hunger and how we needed food. Then after church we went to Bob Evans and when we were waiting Jocelyn passed out in the resturant. I never saw someone pass out in life. Then we went to the emergency room and now she is fine so w/e. Got to go loud speaker.

In Comp Class (again)
We have so much free time, and everything for games is blocked off. Ok lleme see yesterday I went outside and took a walk in the snow. I went around the Bridal club, to the front of my developement and back home. in total about 35-45 minutes. It was nice and peacful. I needy time out just to be by myself and get some thoughts and fresh air. ahhhhhhhh.Then i came home, thought there would be no school, found out i was wrong and went to bed at about 1. I woke up this mornin cleaned the kitchen, got dressed and left. I got to school found out about another fuckin' humanities project :( and then came to computer class and found out that I am not failing Spanish. Three A's, three B's so yeah. Hummmmmm, today I have to go to Dan's to work on a project with Adam and Jenia. It's not gonna be super e-z though. We have to do some cliff notes on the Grape of Wrath. We should be fine with that. Lemme c uhhh.......oh still not decided on wetha to go to cotillion yet. the whole $40 thing (20 class dues and 20 for the thing). This is a dance in the cafeteria.........isn't it exciteting.......................................................................... lol. ok im done now i will write in here next chance i get.

angela rox EARTHQUAKE


inside joke.........ah ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~SeB~
^ sexi ebony bit^