to be

know how sublime a thing is :
to suffer and be strong

- longfellow

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to be

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:: 2007 29 April :: 2.47 am

Food :
I have realized that food is beautiful. Below is a list of place I need as a reminder to check out

-Uncle Vito's Pizzeria
-Sapporo East for a cold night
-Popover Cafe for brunch
-Sumile for good Japanese
-Greek Yogurt with honey drizzled on the top
-Shake Shack
-Puebla Mexican Food for a morning burrito
-Pylos for Greek food
-Cafe Topsy
-Fiza Diner
-CHEBURECHNAYA
-Big Nick's Burger and Pizza Joint
-Grimaldi's Pizzeria

1 failure | be daring

:: 2007 7 April :: 3.53 pm

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

:: 2007 15 January :: 12.18 am

Surprise, surprise. I've achieved none of my Resolutions. Yay.
I don't know whether or not it's wrong that I'm utilizing you to achieve all my little girly dreams. It probably is. But, how else can I do this? I have desire and I need a means to institute those desires. You are coincidently one of those means. I don't think I even like you that much. Who knows at this point? Who cares at this point? I enjoy being around you. You make me happy. I wish that was all there is to it. But it isn't.

:: 2007 1 January :: 1.47 am

New Years Resolutions:
-get down to 110
-finish my massive netflix list
-renew old bonds
-make a concrete decision on what to do about -----
-get rid of my insomniac tendencies
-get up at 5 every weekday
-go to the gym in the morning
-go for a jogg every night
-be more open
-actually accomplish at least ONE of these things

:: 2006 16 October :: 3.42 pm

but I love the way you look at me :)

:: 2006 15 October :: 7.22 pm

OK. ok. ok. ok
I hate being infatuated. I hate that you're playing games with me. I hate that you are totally impossible to read. I hate being at the brink. I hate the sexual tension. I hate your random smiles. I hate that you listen to me. I hate your mean comments. I hate your kind comments. I hate that you're an asshole. I hate that I'm so crazy about you. And I hate that I'm even saying that I hate all these things about you because I only say I hate a person this much when I really really like them. I hate you.
Worst of all though, I hate being so frustrated.

:: 2006 23 July :: 10.27 pm
:: Music: school night- ani difranco

It's so strange how things work out. Just as I'm falling there is some one to hold my hand to keep me from completely falling. I won't deny it: I really am truly ungrateful. I felt so hopeless a second ago. So utterly and completely hopeless and ready to drown into total sadness again but then miraculously God found a way to pull me back up again. It's funny how He works.

I've realized that to achieve true complete and total happiness you need to achieve ignorance. Either that or just be content and let yourself be totally indifferent.

:: 2005 8 November :: 3.35 pm

You can try a thousand different approaches, a thousand different solutions, a thousand different smiles or frowns...all to please a thousand different people.

But if at the end of the day those thousand different people are happy with you but you are not...

what's the point?

:: 2005 28 August :: 4.09 pm

�I must say that I am rather shy;
I don�t budge when I so wish I would�
�But why, should such matter;
I am quite shy too�

�If we are both shy
we shall never do as we wish�
�But I so wish to be shy�

�Shyness is a handicap,
it keeps us from our true selves�
�But, Shy..
is simply the way
I am�

:: 2005 24 August :: 5.07 pm

I <3 being refreshed

:: 2005 4 August :: 11.21 pm

I feel myself... no I hear myself crash to the floor
crash to the floor with exhaustion maybe
or with saddness
or maybe just with a feeling of everything
I don't know what to do as I sit here because I know what I need but I don't know how to get it and I wish I could reach it
I hate no response on the other end
I hate when you finally trust and give so much and that trust is cut off
I hate how everything can change in just 1/15 of a second
I hate how we use up all that time behind a damn shutter
I never understood smirks.. they make me shiver but always leave you intrigued

I don't know what to do now that after rising up a high hill I finally dropped. and dropped pretty damn hard

:: 2005 31 July :: 8.48 pm

It's funny how you think you've come so far, and grown so much, only to find that you are in fact in exactly the same place you were a year ago.

So funny, yet so sad.

How is it that in a year�s time I can become a million different people yet I�ve never really stopped being a foolish girl?

I don't even allow other people the chance to break my heart. I tear it to pieces just fine by myself.

How did I ever allow this to take over me? It isn�t even real anymore. It is just this idea that I�ve become completely and totally encumbered by. I thought I�d gotten away but I supposed I never really did. I was only fooling myself.
I need to move away from this. In my waking hours it is so simple to keep my mind busy, but nighttime is a different story. My dreams are so--- so I don�t even know. I feel consumed when I wake up, and it is completely unrealistic.

How do you free yourself of something that does not now, nor has ever existed?

I wish I had an answer.

:: 2005 19 July :: 8.55 am

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

-Mother Theresa

1 failure | be daring

:: 2005 4 July :: 6.27 pm

i survived so long without having tears run down my cheek.. why why why now
why now?
i hate nosy people

:: 2005 24 June :: 11.15 pm

fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuc them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them fuck them

WHY DO I LET MYSELF CARE??

:: 2005 20 June :: 5.00 pm

iiiiiiii waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnttt pizzzzzzaaa!

:: 2005 18 June :: 10.47 pm

Hey,
You've reached the right number but at the WRRRONG time so please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as possible!

:: 2005 13 June :: 9.17 pm
:: Music: Don't cha- pussy cat dolls and bust rhymes

Don't cha?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hooot like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freaaak like me
Don't cha Don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raaw like me
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fuuun like me

haha.. Dorina

WoRd Up HoMies
I love this weather so damn much because it gives me an excuse to take an extra shower at night which always makes me feel happy and clean.
Brrr I couldn't find one of my dearest and scriest possesions last night and it made me feel relieved but also sad and angry. I really wanted to read over it but at the same time I was so scared of reading it out of the fear of crying and letting my strong self go.. and I cannot do that, No I can't. No I can't.

I love that feeling of being happy and confident and well clean after taking a shower.
YIPEEE.

:: 2005 12 June :: 10.08 pm

to be true is just a similar way of saying putting urself at a risk

pshh

:: 2005 9 June :: 11.32 pm

Oh Tina.. why are you such a fool?
Why do you end up screwing your own self over.. over n over again?

:: 2005 8 June :: 12.50 am

I'm running, I'm running and I'm trying to get away from any form of feelings but I just can't look to see what I might be facing, I just can't look to see what might happen if things don't turn out the way I want them to, what if they all just laugh, what if once again I am left being a redicule

Haha..stupid Tina

Take a damn chance for once go for it just do it.. she runs.. but she ends up just running away because she just can't face it, why must she face it if she has nothing to look for? If there's nothing to see why even bother to try to hide having to see it
why even bother to hide your eyes?
..because all those hopes of wanting to see something will be shattered by the sight of nothingness

:: 2005 3 June :: 9.30 pm

Sometimes I feel like I'm living on that edge of the nearing rock bottom. I'm walking so close to the edge. Every once in a while I stumble and I can hear the rocks crumbling, I can feel them loosen beneath my feet.
A part of me is afraid to fall.. another part of me wants nothing more than to take the leap of faith.

:: 2005 2 May :: 11.50 pm

sometimes I just want to create a wrinkle in time and reverse everything just to start at the beginning and grow up to be something different from what I have become..

:: 2005 2 May :: 12.38 pm
:: Music: the boxer- simon and garfunkel

I feel so relaxed and relieved that I am home on this monday.
I love the feeling of sitting here with tea and a rusk in my hand.

I was so happy when my mom said that I didn't have to go to school today and that I can just sleep in. She's been being so kind lately and it makes me feel so nice knowing that my mom will always be there to care for me. I love her soo much!

And.. it's so beautiful outside, after this icky week/ end it makes me nice to see the sun shining and the wind blowing the trees around.

What's really strange is though is that I've been having such strange dreams lately, every night and they've been scaring me so much.. so much. I've been scared till the ends of my wits sometimes. Last night I fell off my bed and hit my head so hard against the desk on my bedside. All these dreams have gotten me so horribly scared past my wits and it just drives me insane.. absolutely insane. And the weird part is that I normally don't let anything get to me but these past few days I've been scared of the strangest things, by just sitting in the car I get scared that we're going to get in an accident, I am scared to sleep somenight because I'm afraid something will happen to my family, and other days I'm just scared to take a step out of my house in fear that some one will come and rob the house and kill me and my family. And this is the me who is normally never scared of anything, as a child I was never scared of the dark, never scared of being left home alone or any of that stuff.. this is the me that believes that we all die anyway so who cares.. take some risks, yet now I've been scared past my wits end. I don't know what's happening!

:: 2005 25 April :: 9.39 am

mm mm good
walks in the dew make me so happy. :)
It feels so nice knowing that the years is soon over, just a month and a little more. Just the finals are left and then we're done done done. And then it's finally S u M m E r! The crazy thing is that for once I actually don't have a planned out summer (well except for a few things).. but otherwise it's just me and the heat preparing for a damn good summer.

break me a cracker.. a damn good cracker..

:: 2005 21 April :: 11.18 pm

"livin' on the edge."
haha I love that saying.. it puts this image in my head of people leaning off a cliff with their backs against it about to fall down but not yet slipped to come to that point of falling...just that moment just before.
One day when I get a super fast crazy sports car I'm going to pump my (nigga) music really loud and zoom through that parking lot in front of Nathans with all those car showoffers and when I come out all the guys will be, "woah.. a chick." Then I will show them all when I beat them on the sprain at 150 m/hr. HOLLA! Now that's living on the egde! Who wants to go jump out of an airplaine with me when we turn 18??

I don't get why people are so mean to me and think I'm so easy to make fun of me, I hate it. Yah, I know I'm nice and I joke around a lot but that gives you no reason to be a compelte bitch to me and treat me like shit. I am a person too.. believe it or not bitches. I hate it so much though- they revere what some of the biggest idiots say but then when I say something they think- pssh that can't be true. I hate it so much. I wish people would appreciate me for all that I have to offer. Yah, I have plenty of laughs and love and smiles to offer but don't overlook that and just think that's all I'm there for. I'm here for so much more than you think and I wish people would understand that. I'm not just here to listen but I'm also here to voice my opinion. I'm not here to crack all the jokes- but I'm also here to hear a few jokes. And if I'm in your presence don't make me feel like shit, revere me like you do every one, I'm just as good as them.

I hate the misconception that silent people have more to offer and are smarter and are people to respect. I hate it so much because it's not true at all. Most of the time silent people are the ones who just have nothing better to say.

I really wanna be mysterious now- just to see if my respect status goes up. If it does I will cry!

I wish I could just be myself..and people would appreciate me for that.

:: 2005 19 April :: 11.09 pm

Some wise advice:
When trying to ignore a knock at your door, don't yell out, "NO!" When someone asks, "Is anyone home?" ~Winnie-the-Pooh

:: 2005 18 April :: 11.04 pm
:: Music: creep- radiohead

i am so frightened.. so scared
".. I don't belong"

I am so damn scared of being in the place where I am now. Surrounded by no one who I can even talk to. Really, that is how I feel sometimes and I miss that feeling I used to have KNOWING that I had some one to turn to and knowing no matter what I could tell that person anything. I have lost that feeling completely and I think am left to nothing really. I mean who can I trust to talk to when I need fucking advice on something?

absolutely no one

:: 2005 16 April :: 11.04 pm
:: Music: love will tear us apart- joy division

I had such a nice time today just lying on the rocks in central park with Dorina and Maxi, it made me feel so content on the inside.

I had a great time eating cookies and cream.

I love sitting in the front passenger set of BMW's.

I love the houses on pheasent run, so shique.

I love the smell of my candles.

I love being practical for once in my life!

I love talking to foreigners who have so much to talk about.

I love talking to ghetto people.. and trying to decipher what they are saying.

I love talking to my mom....sometimes.

1 failure | be daring

:: 2005 10 April :: 8.14 pm

AHHH shit- always beware of what you say.. when and wherever
because who know what may happen..

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