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dabestyougot69
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2013 6 January :: 12.28am
I'm searching for a reason to feel for you again.
2 don't really. |
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 6 March :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Captiva-Falling up.
Love.
How can a heart that once was dead, begin to beat again?
You. You are my reason. You've revived me.
I love you with my entirety.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 18 February :: 8.04am
You'll go to hell
for what your
dirty mind
is thinking.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 18 February :: 8.01am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Nude- Radiohead.
Last night
was insane.
Sean was on the fritz and I don't think I've ever really seen him that heartbroken.
I tried to make it better but I think I just fueled the fire.
I feel bad.
But I think he'll be ok.
I don't know.
I hope he will be.
I have an overwhelming sense to vomit.
I don't feel well at all.
And I hate my make up, it makes my eyes water.
All the time.
Everyday.
It sucks.
You've gone off the rails.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 13 February :: 11.55am
:: Mood: full
Is it over?
I am fine.
Thank you dearly
for your time.
I'll be leaving.
Don't you cry.
I'll be back soon.
At least I'll try...
Can't you see?
There is no time to think
Selfishly.
Yesterday's gone.
Tomorrow's here.
Can't turn back now.
I won't quit.
I still love You.
I swear.
I always will.
I.
Always.
Will.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 11 February :: 8.02am
They always play the saddest songs at starbucks when I'm in a sad mood...
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 11 February :: 7.59am
:: Mood: frustrated
She's so much like me, it's effing disgusting. fjkdslfjdl;jfdk;lajfd;lafj;da
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 10 February :: 10.24am
I want you here.
Or I awnt someone else.
I want both.
Or. Just you here.
I need you.
This distance isn't going to work anymore.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 9 February :: 8.27pm
I feel so dizzy i think i might induce puking.
Everything is spinning and I can't seem to grasp onto any sort of oxygen.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 9 February :: 8.24pm
Look at me now, A man who won't let himself be.
Down in a hole.
Feelin so small.
Down in a hole.
Losing control.
I'd like to flyyyyyy.
But my wings have been so denied.
I am losing control of everything.
I'm freakin sick of this crap..
I dn't get joy when looking at you anymore.
All I see if a lifetime of mistakes.
gdkjlafjdklfjdklafeiowfnmlkdfsmalf
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 7 February :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: The widow.-ACB
I'm holding on, and I don't know why.
I've forgotten why I used to fight.
I have this hope, but don't want to use it.
There's nothing to hope for anymore.
I want to feel, but you don't want me to.
How can I rewrite our past?
I'm putting everything plus one hundred into this
And I can't feel myself anymore.
Combustion. That's my fate.
You're so worth losing myself for.
And I know you'd never let that happen.
But it is. And I am silently fading.
I've been feeling so much for you, that everything else feels dead.
And when things are bad with us
life doesn't exist.
You know more than anything
that it's impossible to restrict my feelings.
They seemed to have gone insane
And there's no stopping them.
I can't make it without you.
because you let me live with you.
and when you want to take it away
it fear i might not be able to make it without you.
I won't tell you, that i can't make it without you
but I am dying. without you
because i am alive. with you.
But I won't tell.
I'll just fall. Secretly in love.
Secretly. I am fading.
I want to be everything you need.
I'm killing my identity just to try.
And it's worth it, you're worth it, always have been.
I'd die for you. I mean it.
I want things. I really do. But i'd still never share them with you.
I am not good enough to ask for anything.
I want to tell you all this.
But I can't.
Because I don't
want you
to think
this is
the same.
as it's been.
And so, I let my feelings remain, hidden.
I think this is...the end.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 7 February :: 2.30pm
p.s. Youaretheonlythingthatfeelsright.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 7 February :: 2.25pm
:: Music: To whom it may concern-UnderOATH
Ah, innocense.
Haven't written in what feels like months.
It's only been two days..
That tells you how I've been doing lately.
I feel awful.
And to the very extent it that word.
Things just...Suck.
I want to make them better
but everytime I do, I do something in my fricken subconscious to mess it up. Why must I always ruin things that are good!?
Ugh.
I already miss you.
Even though you're not gone.
I hope your thoughts aren't taking you to places that they don't need to be
and that you still are holding onto that last glimpse of hope.
I'm sorry I am screwed up.
Staying would be suicide...
But. I. love you.
I wouldn't ever ask you to stay. because I know dealing with me is the worst thing ever.
Please...Leave. I don't want to hurt you, and I always seem to hurt me.
:[
I'm sorry I am such a waste.
Forgive me for wanting you to let me in
I know, I don't deserve it.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 5 February :: 8.57am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Misty.
things.
I should be getting ready to go out. But I am not.
I'm lost in my own selfish thoughts and desires.
Wanting nothing more than to hear your voice, touch your skin, feel your warmth.
God. This is harder than it's ever been.
But so worth it.
I know one day, it will all be better, and everything will be worth it.
I'm closing the door on my past. Completely.
Erasing names, memories, getting rid of the baggage I've kept stored in my closet for the longest time,
I have no room for any of that, because I am moving up to something worth keeping.
I love you, Mister. And I am devoted.
You are my reason.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 4 February :: 11.31am
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: Quiet-Lights
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifreakinmissyouuuuuuuu
I will...never let you fall.
I'll stand up for you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me in heaven.
Cuz you're my
my.
My true love.
My whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
Cuz I'm here, for you.
And only you
Please don't walk away now
Please tell me you'll stay.
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray, gray,.
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me in heaven.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 4 February :: 5.41am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: 30 days-NSN
Lots of topics.
Date: February 4th, 2010
Time: 5:41 am PST
If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and luminate the notes on their vacancy sign
If there's no one beside you, as your soul embarks...I will follow you into the dark.
EDIT:
Time: 5:53 am
Need to freakin write my paper. Why do I keep looking at my phone, wanting to hear your voice.
I know you're sleepingggg and I want to wake you up and kiss you all over.
:] iloveyou.
And i hate how cute and "lovey" i get with you. I've lost my balls...I mean what!?
EDIT:
Time 6:02 am
I caved. Haha I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hearing your voice.
Ahh my heart comes alive.
:*
EDIT:
Time: 6:44 am
I love how Woohu logs you out if you're not active for like half an hour.
:]
I finished my essay, remembered to print out my other one, and now I have to remember to bring a stapler for Brianna. Hahaha.
Do you see my staplerr?
^_^
Sean called me last night...which was weird.
I wonder why!?
Maybe he can answer my question on here, because I know he reads this.
I am going to go.
I need to get more sleep but I know i won't be able to.
Darnit!
haha
Dar n it!
ilybby.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 3 February :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Ifyournottheone-db
Failure.
I feel more apart from you than ever.
One little thing.
I knew today was going to royally suck.
I just hope that I am wrong.
I'm frustrated with everything.
Ugh.
Tell me there's nothing to worry about,
and everything is going to be ok.
Because I'm already used to you.
I've opened my heart up again for you.
And if it gets broken again, I think I might die.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 3 February :: 1.55am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Dinner @ The money table-TEN
Sleep Deprivation
Hahha. Well...My plans to wake up at eleven slowly came to a fail and I woke up at two instead...And now I am fully awake and missing the boy who makes my heart soar.
I woke up hella dehydrated. And I want someone to lay with. And if I go back to sleep, I hope to wake up at four so I can get ready for work and whatknot.
Mannn
it feels good to have money.
And it feels better to have someone who knows me inside and out and desires what I do.
Dear nonboyfriendbutweactlikeit: I love you. :D
And you're lucky I'm feeling pretty nice, or you'd be getting a call from me right about now... O_o
I wish I could call you...ahh I am so lonely.
Oh well.
When we talk tomorrow...or...today, it will be better.
Even though I have crappy work all day. Lol
Lose-lose situation..
But I still love you
and you still love me.
So its kinda a win-win.
Or...they even out...so it's a normal-normal...
Idk.
my brain is off.
And I don't want to turn it back on.
And my eyes hurt
And TEN is singing to me about disappointments.
Goshhh
I'd kill to hear your voice.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 2 February :: 11.18am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Your Guardian Angel-RJA
Love/lust/all that is between.
There's something in this new adventure that isn't new at all.
You are my familiar.
And I have missed you.
For once in my life I don't care about anything or anyone but us.
I want us to be. Perfect.
And I know perfection is so far fetched, but my life with you IS perfect.
Because nothing is wrong when I've got you.
You complete me in every way possible.
From the first time I met you, I knew something special was in store for our future.
Everything in our history is so epically "us."
I'm so glad I took that leap of faith, and talked to you again.
As of right now, I never want to let you go.
Ever.
One day I hope to see you at the end of the altar.
I love you with my entirety.
Not a day went by when we were apart that I didn't get reminded of you one way or another. I can't live life without seeing your reflection in something.
You give things meaning.
After loving you, my prince, I can NEVER be the same.
You're the only voice my heart can recognize.
Hmmm..
I want to spend forever in this place.
I am enslaved to your love.
You are my reason.
I love you.
So completely.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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2010 1 February :: 11.33am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Forever&always-ts
Once upon a time.
So...I have been very productive.
I have cleaned my whole house, kitchen bathrooms etc, and washed my father's truck.
I guess i haven't done that much.
but now I have to write a paper.
Which I have to due before I go to work tonight, at 5.
I've decided to give up on you.
Because I just need to.
I don't know.
I don't want you.
because you will just say It's about time.
and I'm not doing it for selfish reasons.
I am just doing it.
Doesn't matter why.
So...
The end.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 29 January :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: cynical
Sand rains down, and here I sit
Holding rare flowers in a tomb...
In bloom.
You are such a waste of time. Thanks for reminding me.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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2010 28 January :: 9.20am
Guess not
I've been taken away by an overwhelming sense of pleasure.
And not the physical kind, which I don't appreciate as much these days, but the kind that's easily snatched away by an intruder I've allowed in, and decided to roam and mess things up.
But.
For now. I am happy.
And completely.
I know.
this isn't going to last.
And I know
that I am going to be upset
and hurt
and completely obliterated by anxiety/stress/longing.
But I care not.
I have you.
And if only for a time, then only for a time.
You've been spending so much time in California. Physical manifestation isn't necessary.
I love you.
The end. Soon.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 28 January :: 9.15am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: N.A
Missing you
Yeah...basically. That's all.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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2010 27 January :: 11.33am
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: Tengo Hambre De Ti- Band
Writing
My brain is compacting with all the information i've jsut processed and typed up in the past five hours.
I've written two essays, and I have one big one I need to get done. I amnot worried about completing it, it's simple, and i know it's goign to be easy to do, but i have to arrange all my thoughts onto a single sheet of white nothingness on my computer without distraction or anything else and i'm not sure if I cn
I feel like my brain is goping to explode.
but it's ok.
i had a very nice night with my love.
And a very nice talk with my past.
And I keep thinking about both of them and about what I am going to do.
my heart goes out to my love, because i kinda get what he;'s feeling, even if he never says it.
I want to make him happy.
And he made me happy!
Haha sometimes I don;t expect him to be so cute.A\
And I don't even remember what went on last night
I kept falling asleep.
maybe one night I can do it with the person who originated that.
becausewejusthavetoupholdtradition.
I need to take a break.
because i might die.
the end.
fdjsfjds;afjdksfjdls;fjdks;lfkjdkls;fjdk;lsfjd;lsa
:]
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 26 January :: 8.38am
:: Mood: anxious
I really hope you're not freakin in jail.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 25 January :: 6.20pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: some jazz stuff. I like it
Nothing too exciting
there is this guy who works at starbucks, I don't know his name or anything. and I think he's in love with me.
No joke.
But I also do have Erotomania, so that's expected.
Lol
But I really think he likes me.
And he has a girlfriend, who he works with, so even if he wanted to pursue anything with me, he'd never be able to because he works with the girl he dumped.
But in other news.
Follow me on twitter!...
www.twitter.com/kellihellarad
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 25 January :: 11.09am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Vodka - Korpiklaani
0_o
Hi. I'm Kelli, and I am an addict.
I've decided I'm not going to accept that title anymore.
I have such an addictive personality, it sickens me.
What the heck. Me?!
That doesn't make any sense.
I was so strong.
Did everything on my own.
I got into a mess, I was the one who got myself out.
And I've gotten so accustomed to how things were that I long for it in something else.
It's hard for things to change in my life, because I always go through "rebounding"
And not in the normal sense of rebounding, because a "someone" isn't always involved.
But I rebound. And when it does come with a "someone," I rebound hard.
Like with Levi.
Forgive me for mentioning he that shant be named.
After we broke up, there was Nick, and Keith, And Jake.
All of them I did nothing with, Thank God for that. but they all came up at the same time...Like so conveniently.
It's funny because all of them I liked at one point in my lifetime.
And when I'm single and vulnerable, they come parading in one after the other and throw confusions in my head.
Nick and I actually dated...
Which still boggles my mind. But he has a gf now so good for him. Even though she's hella ugly.
And that Sean. I will always love him.
He's the thing that's so out of reach. And the thing that has never gotten closure because we've always been so messed up.
I hope one day we can start over, and things can be perfect, or in our definition of the closest thing to it...
I think we both deserve that.
I'll write later. My stomach is eating itself. ^_^
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 24 January :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: The Velourium Camper II: Backend Of Forever
Tonight
I ate lucky charms, came to my computer and started chatting with my friend Daniele, puked up lucky charms, and now I'm writing down my thought onto this little screen.
and it's been twenty minutes since i started this journal entry, but I am completely fine with that.
I like listening to chill music when I'm feeling so stellar.
I should call him soon.
I have to read a bunch of stuff, and don't want to.
I need a day planner.
And i was blessed wtih some money from my pastor today, which is amazing.
All in all, good day.
I hope tonight is just as dandy...
Write tomorrow. :]]]]]]]]!
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 22 January :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Some jingle @thebux
Sleep
I think.
I am awake.
And I want to see
How long I can go without sleeping.
I'm missing that one boy.
And it's taken me way to long to write way to little.
The end.
give a fuck
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 22 January :: 9.35am
:: Mood: chipper
Good morning
I'm still deathly ill. My cough has gotten slightly better, so can't complain much.
Woke up this morning feeling good. My feet are so cold though, and I wish I could have gotten warm last night, but I went to bed with my feet freezing, mostly my legs, and that wasn't cute.
I woke up around 4, and at 4:30 Andrew called me?
I don't know why he did, I think he was on drugs, even though he doesn't do drugs.
But seriously...What would spawn a kid to call me at 4:30 in the morning. I mean I know I told him to call me later, but I didn't think he would take it to the almost end of extremities. What a weirdo.
It's still stuck in my head...what made him call me.
I remember waking up out of my sleepless state, and wondering, Andrew's calling me?
And he was like...HEY! Like it was a normal time of day to be calling people.
"Me and josh and Isaac are just hanging out..."
...Ok? Why does he insist on telling me this.
He's so weird.
Like.
I want to call him right now but I know he won't be up.
I'm trying to expand my brain capacity into memorizing songs from way back in the day, and some that I've written. Doing brain exercises I guess.
I want to be totally engulfed in school that it will be difficult to hold up any relationships with anyone in my immediate life.
Now is my time to work hard at what i know. And to learn what I don't.
I think being a student is one thing that always came easy to me, or one thing that was difficult, but I always enjoyed it.
I love being in school, learning new things, writing papers, talking about in-depth material, and everything else!
I'm passionate about school. To the very extent of that sentence.
I can't wait for what this semester brings to me.
I'm freakin trying to make a website for the women's group. I think it's going alright. We need more people.
:]]]
I am happy. Really.
And all I have to say is...Last night was the best night I've had in a long while.
give a fuck
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