whatever. you suck so bad.
yeah. so basically. my grades are slipping. my heart hurts so bad i think it could explode at any moment. and its what every other teen is going through. my innerds feel like mush inside me. what the fuck ever.

eff you
dietcokeislove88: my innerds hurt real bad
black 7hought: aww
black 7hought: :-(
dietcokeislove88: stupoid boys
dietcokeislove88: :'(
black 7hought: what happened?
dietcokeislove88: i just trust too eaily. and get my hopes up over nothing at all
black 7hought: why do u say that?
dietcokeislove88: my best friend
dietcokeislove88: he brings up our past yesterday
dietcokeislove88: and i just flop over like him hurting me dosent matter
dietcokeislove88: and im still like
dietcokeislove88: im still in love with you
dietcokeislove88: and hes like
dietcokeislove88: well i dont feel that way at all anymore. and i said then why do you look at me that way and hung me and touch me the way that you do
dietcokeislove88: so today he treats me like i have the pleiuge
dietcokeislove88: dosent even hug me or anything
black 7hought: o wow
black 7hought: :-(
black 7hought: im sorry lindsay
dietcokeislove88: me too jorge
dietcokeislove88: why cant he be more like you
dietcokeislove88: more.. nice.
dietcokeislove88: i deserve someobe nice
black 7hought: you do


you know what.. FUCK. SHIT. DAMN.
yeah god. what now. you hurt me i'll hurt you.

just. stop hurting me ryan. stop making me cry. stop makeing me feel like a worthless peice of shit.

what i wish i could tell you
what i wish i could tell you:
-i smoked pot
-i still cut myself
-i have found other ways to hurt myself
-i liked what chris did
-i do what he did w/o him
-i hate your mother
-i hate 2 of your daughters (including myself)
-i wish you had a better family
-you deserve better
-i have questioned my sexuality since i was 10
-i look at girls boobs and butts
-i wish i was better at life
-i am not who you think i am or who you want me to be

im. dead inside.

i remember looking out the window. and it being dark outside. not nioghtime dark. but weather dark. and the snow covered the trees. and i remember thinking to myself.. am i ever going to get out of here?
the windows were bullet proff. not getting out there.
the doors were locked. no such luck.
but if i was good, i got a pass.
and my mother would be so suprised that i would run away from her.. that isk if she would even chase me or not. i was ready to jump into a spirt at any second. and then a girl walked by with her mother holding her arm very tight. and i knew i couldnt make my mom do that with me. so we went out. we ate. and i didnt run.
we walked over to the gym the next day. and i tryed not to make it noticable that i was stairing at the big walls looking for an imperfection in the seemingly perfact cage i was in. but none could be found.
people claimed to hear voices yelling at them.
people kicked and screamed.
the quiet rooms were always full.
but i would sit and observe.
and they would try and be friends to me. but i didnt want that. all i wanted was to sleep away the rest of my sentence in that hell hole. you'd think it was a jail the way im talking about it.
but to me, that exsactly what it was.
you call it phych ward.
i call it hell.

i remember looking out the window. and it being dark outside. not nioghtime dark. but weather dark. and the snow covered the trees. and i remember thinking to myself.. am i ever going to get out of here?
the windows were bullet proff. not getting out there.
the doors were locked. no such luck.
but if i was good, i got a pass.
and my mother would be so suprised that i would run away from her.. that isk if she would even chase me or not. i was ready to jump into a spirt at any second. and then a girl walked by with her mother holding her arm very tight. and i knew i couldnt make my mom do that with me. so we went out. we ate. and i didnt run.
we walked over to the gym the next day. and i tryed not to make it noticable that i was stairing at the big walls looking for an imperfection in the seemingly perfact cage i was in. but none could be found.
people claimed to hear voices yelling at them.
people kicked and screamed.
the quiet rooms were always full.
but i would sit and observe.
and they would try and be friends to me. but i didnt want that. all i wanted was to sleep away the rest of my sentence in that hell hole. you'd think it was a jail the way im talking about it.
but to me, that exsactly what it was.
you call it phych ward.
i call it hell.

really want to get high.
i know its not good.
whatever.
i want to.

homecoming is a shannanagon
so. ryans going to chicago w/ jess. i want to go. see friends from camp and the what nots. but .. oh yeah. im kicked out of my teen ministry for a month. really.. i mean who dose that?! it should be about the heart, not the rules.
but anyways. my birthday has come and went. but the celebration has yet to come. sunday im going to celebrate w/ family, then the weekend after that its going to be a friends party. yes indeed.
so my moms bugging me about cleaning up something or another. so i better get off. plus im about to pee myself.
later days

ryan
oh why does ryan hve to be so cunfusing. i mean really. i know he still likes me. i know it. and its not a conceeded thing or false hope. its just .. he does.
but now he also likes jess. and she tells me all the grose details of what he tells her and what she tells him. and it makes me sick to my stomach.
but at least my good friend jack johnson is there to cheer me up. :o)
well it tears my heart into shreds to hear him talk about her and her talk about him. its like.. we were togeather for a year. and then in less than a month he can just move on like that. come on. thats just.. playing with my feelings.
ryan. quit being a duche. please.
tell her you dont like her. tell her that you like him. we both know you do. dont lie to yourself.

this is so gay.

yesterday
yesterday
oh yesterday
i just
am.. idk
well heres what happened:
well there was the family reunion. that went well. it usually dosent.. but i had a good time. then was my date w/ kyle. im really hopeing no one who knows me is reading this. alright well we were watching a movie and then afterward me and ellen were messing around with justins phone and so we were all smushed togeather on one couch and i was on my side and so was kyle and so it was like we were spooning. i was kinda thinking.. you can get up anytime. but he didnt. and i didnt. and idk if its just me missing ryan and wanting to cuddle or something but we deffinitly were. then i called him later to ask him what he was thinking about it all and he said that he should have got up but he didnt think much of it. then i got home and made him a thank you card and in the middle of making it joel came home dunk off his butt. he had to have 2 people help him walk.. more waddle inside. bekah and karisa looked buzzed along w/ everyone else. they broke into the town pool anbd went swimming. i had to take care of joel. he had some alergic reaction to something in the barn. and he had all these nasty bumps on his back.
and for the first time in my life i was kind of scared about him. i didnt know if i was scared for him or scared of him. idk. all i know is i shouldnt have been put in that situation to begin with. he's a big boy and i know that he knows when to say enough is enough. but he got drunk. really drunk. and it was scary.

besides that.. umm nothings been going on. just got back from vacation. it was fun. bekahs friend jen was annoying at times but was fun the rest of the time. i guess when we got home she like cryed herself to sleep b/c joel dosent want to be her boyfriend and she thought that they were going to go out or something to that effect. to me, its kind of funny i guess. idk.

but anyways.. i should get going. its 1*38. i dont have to get up early or anything.. but i dont really have anything to do. maybe i'll just read and then fall asleep to that. it just calms me way way down.

i miss ryan. i miss his smell. i miss our talks. i miss the way me makes me feel when we hug. i miss talking to him on the phone. i miss hearing him talk about all the bands he likes. i miss hearing him play guitar. i miss his giant polor bear hugs. i miss his crazy hair. i miss the way that he makes me feel. i miss him telling me im beautiful. i miss all of hios constant "i love you"s. i miss his kisses. i miss the way that he looks at me. i miss all of him.

goodnight

oh the way things change
well the last time i wrote in this
i was all "im so emo punk rocker"
compleatly different now
more chill +
less drama =
happy lindsay

my xanga is blackandwhitepoloroids8807
incase you want to take a gander

but for now
im out

untill next time kid-o's
im loving you