Down for the count...

Down for the count...

:: 2011 9 October :: 10.57pm
:: Music: August Burns Red- Composure

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. -Harvey Fierstein

valoth

:: 2011 9 October :: 3.48pm

Just finished[still going] a 30min shower.

EDIT: Just finished breaking down

EDIT: Having a break down

EDIT: Broke

EDIT: Broken

Ya....glad Im alone at home today.

valoth

:: 2011 6 October :: 6.47am

Her responses are just so dead. I dont have a better word for it. Does she even know how much shes torn my heart?

Im really sick of being alone.

I had such high hopes about her. About us.

Thats been torn to shreds.

valoth

:: 2011 5 October :: 12.54pm

Beans were spilled last night, albeit abruptly[read: poorly].

I probably left her in a mess around her friends. If I did I bet theyd say "dont go" "hes an asshole" or something of that nature.
Those sentiments really help right now...NOT.

I didnt mean for this to happen but it happened. I cant help that I feel this way about her. What I can help is whether or not I should bother trying to feel this way about her. If she cant tell me that, then I can try to decide.

Shes mad/sad about not having answers for me. Im mad because I need answers. I told her I would make them for her if she cant. I really dont like the answer Ill end up using but I know that its probably the best I can offer since shes "a free spirit" and she might "wake up one day and not like you[me]."

Isnt this what a relationship revolves around? Liking someone, then being with or without them over time. Changing with or without them. Then deciding if you dont want to be with them one day or staying with them for more days?

I really hate this.

This whole thing makes me think about Rachel and how I had that issue come up again and again. Makes me hate myself when my self esteem is already basically at rock bottom.

If bad things happen to good people, then do good things happen to bad people?

2 <3 | <3

valoth

:: 2011 4 October :: 11.13pm
:: Music: The Beatles- "Eleanor Rigby"

Fleshed "IT" out
Thats just a dirty title. Ha....*empty laugh here*

All the lonely people
Where do they come from?
All the lonely people
Where to they all belong?

Im one of them. Where I belong is up to who I open up to. She is that person. So...I need to know if I put it away behind its lock or I make her a key. I cant just showcase it for everyone. That's not who I am or how I work.

Special attention, special treatment, and expectations from me are opened up.

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my a.d.d. baby

This is how an angel cries...

valoth

:: 2011 4 October :: 1.01am

While she tears her brains out over essays and tests. I tear my brains out over putting myself out there and tossing my heart around like a rag.

Seriously. Women continue to astound me.

valoth

:: 2011 4 October :: 12.51am

Skip Town
She really has a knack for flaking out. Seriously. She didnt tell me a time tonight. She offered to get back to me tomorrow on it. So, this is the 2nd time shes blown off a deadline of need to know.

She wanted to know if I would be mad. Ya. I would be.
-I got work off during the busy season on a week I probably could have taken overtime hours on.
- I have this huge issue of what "we" are....if "we" "are"
- This would be the 2nd flip out just before a visit
- 2nd girl that I get a fucked up relation with over long distance
-- after promising myself I wouldnt do this again!
- Wanting me/Wanting me a friend/Asking for more of me/Not being there for me in the way I need afterwords

UGH FUCK

Seriously Ill flip if she doesnt come. Ill straight out link her this damn emo spread and go full tilt on her about it. This is my stress. This is what youve done with my head. And its only whats being captured for minutes at a time on here.

Ill wall myself off from her to clam my feeling up. I might come back to talk to her. I might not. I certainly wont let myself open back up again to her even if I cannot wall myself.

Ill back off and do less for her. Ill be around less. Ill not try to be there fro her.

This is what shes doing to me. Tearing me apart.

valoth

:: 2011 2 October :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: The Black Keys- "Ten Cent Pistol"

So Frustrated
Im just so damn frustrated with myself about this. I want to shout and make a big deal about it to her but I cant make myself do it. Especially not in person, or face, and definitely not without knowing how shes doing with her situation there.

If I, and I probably will, take it out on her like that then I will feel 100000 times worse about things between us.

This is hurting me. This will make me clam up and wall off from her for awhile if things go bad. I cant see a solution with that not happening unless I get the outcome Im begging for.

valoth

:: 2011 2 October :: 12.39am
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: College feat. Electric Youth- "She never came back"

Loss for Words

At the start of the morning,
before the sunrise was yawning,
the dream was now fading,
like there she goes.

Ok! Where to begin.
I asked her to slate the visit. She wavered. It was more than unnerving.

Im not looking forward to the responses I get. Or rather I dont get? Its going to be so damn hard. I feel in my mind, I know the answers already, and they scare me. I dont want to have those ones.

Should I be upfront and get it off my chest the first day? Or do I show her an awesome weekend then talk about it before she leaves? Grr. I could use a seriously good talk with a trusted confidant right about now, but sadly I do not have one! I need a shoulder. To listen. To converse. To enlighten me.

I need black or whites. I cannot take grey.

Please

Please
Please

Give me the answer Im looking for.

If you dont know, and I dont know what you want, then you lose me. Plain and simple.

I find it will be the only option to wall myself off from you for some time while I decide how to cope and move on. Ive been one of the few consistent faces in your life for the last few years. Ive been there in shit days and good days. Ive helped you decide to take a leap now! Why cant you take one for me!? If nothing else, I think I deserve it.

Call me selfish on that. I think I deserve a shot. Even then, will that be enough? A title, a public title in words or cyberspace...will that satiate me? God, I hope so. It will have to do that and then some. Compensate me for the worrying Ill do about being faithful, fair, and true.

valoth

:: 2011 25 September :: 10.43pm

Work was hell. I came home to her cheering me up and making me so happy tonight. I needed this! SO! BAD!

Shes also def coming in just under 2weeks so I think Ill hold on my decision and be the one freaking out when she shows up. We shall see if this holds.

Its funny actually, with my guard totally down and my empathy at full she seems to be able to delve deeper into what it means to be 'with' me. I think that makes her like me more. If this wasnt long distance Id have her snatched up easily.