sometimes people really irritate me. scratch that. my friends really irritate me. you try to do something to make sure they get what the want and they just get all pissy about it. so stupid.
Your love is a verb
Here in my room.
Here in my room.
Here in my room.
Pink tractorbeam into your incision
Head spinning as free as Dervish's whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being "that" kind of girl.
Ugh I cant believe how black and white my brain is sometimes. She was around to say goodnight to tonight. That made my day. I spent all day at work thinking bout her and this situation Ive(we) made. So now I can talk to her and it warms my soul. I love that.
I'm obliged to you babe, but this place you see, is trying to hold me down
I want more than you can offer (Hold me down)
I am off to anywhere but here (Hold me down)
I keep walking so nobody can hold me down
You SHOULD not pass!
I hope you havent read these. I would advise against reading anything here. Seriously. Dont. Read. Any of it.
Looking at 64-65 hours for the week this week. I will LOVE this check. I plan to try and save it, but I honestly think I wont be able to let myself do that. Ya I know I shouldnt, but I think one last strong gesture is coming. Something to make her rethink the "i dont know" feeling.
Apparently Im a sadistic s.o.b. I like her, but I cant get her to just suck it up and decide something other than fence sitting. Either you want to bemore than friends or just be friends. One will make me keep trying to be there at every possible time. The other...well ...ya...
I really want this to work out I have it going in my head. That almost never happens.
Hmmmm
I think Ive made my mind up on the situation at hand. I hate the decision but I think its best. Man,...that is had to say.
I dont plan to leave her or change my feelings about her. Ill just have to restrict myself. Bottle it up, shuffle it under the rug? Something else basically.
I cant have myself trying to win her over and only keep getting the same answer. If you dont want to be tied down and say "what if tomorrow I dont want to be with you or something..."(paraphrase) then my only option is to try harder or stop trying. Right? Right.
I think between being 'told off' last time. Ok not told off, but being rejected because of who I am(was) and how we met. and being tossed constant curve balls this time I cant decide to first of the two options.
Again, I hate to even say(type) that.
I cant keep the constant indecision in check anymore.
You dont want to tell people were together? Ok fine, but then why do(should?) I feel so attached to you? Why do I withhold myself from the possibilities of others to be at odds with this long distance thing?
From my perspective: Small battles mean a lot. Give me this one and I can go miles with it. Its a solid foundation. Girlfriend. Easy.
You dont like telling people how we met? Fine, ya, it sucks. I hate the specifics too, but at least Im not gonna lie about them.
God Damnit this is hard to write! Fuck.
How did I end up in another one of these situations!?
Why cant I just have a nice, normal, and simple relationship? No.
Why cant this be a normal, simple relationship?
Why must this be so hard? Why does it feel like its being so much harder for me than her?
Dont tell me "i dont know" search yourself for the answers! Please! You cant ask of my feelings if you give that answer when I ask for yours. Its not fair.
I know things are crazy for you. I know youre growing up. I know youve had a big change in your life. Then why cant I be something consistent? Wouldnt that be nice? Something solid, something you can know is not changing when you fall asleep at night?
Turn of phrase?
Ive never really felt avoided before. I feel so now. Im not a huge fan when its combined with the feeling of fading interest(recipient).
I really detest not being in your life like i was. I was given time and time was given in return. Now I feel lonely and left out. Losing you? Losing it.
What the problem is? Part 2
Tried to organize my thoughts some. I doubt theyll look that way.
I hate that I constantly find myself unable to be with someone who is closer. Someone who I can hold daily. Sorry if that hurts to read, but cmon, its true. Im not the only one who knows that.
I hate that I always look at those younger than me when it comes to the opposite sex. Whats up with that? always younger than me, does that make me someone who cannot cope with those my own age? I dont have an answer for that, or explanation.
I wont be the first, or last, to say to me that I am way too depressing. Well I have a response for that. Fuck. You. Plain and simple. Walk a mile in my shoes or some such thing.
Dealing with myself is like dealing with an over crowded room. Everyone has opinions and objectsives, but who speaks the loudest? And when? If I was able to represent my brain without question I would put forth some design of the classic id, ego, superego. One person has goals, drive and intentions. Another one gladly agrees to most things it says. Perhaps the second one is just a yes man? I dont know. the third one is me, what I actually do. The first two are simply watching and following the last one. Does that make sense? Idoub tit.
I digress.
I dont know how to take the news of I was given in response to my questions. I cannot formulate any sort of plan from it. It leaves me sitting here trying to decide if I lean in or out on the situation as a whole. It is not clear to me how you could 'wake up tomorrow and decide not to do this/that'.
If this is truly how you feel, why cannot you at least give in for now? Then deal with the situation when and if it comes about? That makes both parties happy. Like adults you can decide to be amiable with things later having known such was possible.(probable?)
Comparatively, why not just tell me off now? Saves any possible headache later. Time is a premium on this existence. Let the labor bear fruit or let the work be given to others who would gladly take up the responsibilities. If you act now at least things wouldnt be horrible later?Or would they, whos to say they would?
I need to do some soul searching, sadly none of the 3 voices want to raise their hands and plead the case. Parts 1 & 2 simply left to let part 3 type for itself.
What the problem is?
Things I want to get off my chest. See below. Ive pulled my pockets inside out and I feel weird. I feel relief, but why? I didnt get what I wanted to get out of the conversation. In lieu of an answer Ive been set upon by gesticulate poses and indifference. Where does it leave me?
Ill tell you where it leaves me. It leaves me here. Contemplating the shit stain of a life I lead. It leads me here, to expose my wounds for further lashings. I leads to the state I was in but no more than a few days ago.
Unable to sleep any worthy duration of time and completely unfocused on tasks at hand. Chiefly among which is driving. I shouldnt be left in a car alone at night. It leads to bad moments 'upstairs'.
I can only imagine what someone else might gleam from reading this psychotic babble that i type with my fingers without even looking. I spew forth these words and know that it helps. But it can also hurt! Hurt someone i want to not hurt.
I told myself after last time i wouldnt go near situations like this. I tripped up a few years ago, got handed some good fortune by not being reciprocated. Here I am though, ready for more trouble. Ready to be socked in the face. I dont really know if this makes me resilient or just stupid.
FUCK! Oh no, not about this situation. I sneezed...all over the keyboard. I hate that. Just like I hate this troublesome situation I continue to find myself in.
Im circling the drain knowing that Im unable to even bother trying to just jump ship and go down the drain faster than the flow would like.
Ill continue later, but why I dont know Ill just spew forth more of this nonsense off the cuff raw brain ...junk?
I go from an awkward time with this lesbian ordeal where she actually told me she felt confused for awhile into another wonderful thought moment,'
Fuck me. I hate my brain.
If she isnt going to give into having a real relationship and title it properly Im going to get increasingly irate over time. Why do I want a title? Why do you think? I want her. Im insecure and I like titles. I enjoy that tiny amount of ownership it offers me. That comforts me.
If she meets someone else while doing this "Im happy, lets just keep it how it is." She WILL more than likely lose me as a friend and as someone who lo..likes her.
Im on the verge of trying to turn my life around...AGAIN. I cant put my love life on hold for her while she figures herself out with this lesbian bullshit and college guys. I need someone(now) and Id like that someone to be her, but if she wont give me what I need then I will be unable to keep up a strong face.
If she reads this then I hope she understands. Small victories mean miles of happiness.
