xjayk
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2010 23 April :: 10.34am
So I totally just noticed, after going through my books, that I took a loss for the wedding shoot I did. I knew I wouldn't be getting that much of a profit for it but the place I do my printings at I found want me to pay over 70 dollars for the prints. Which is completely unacceptable especially for such few prints, and the fact they want to crop all of my pictures.
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2010 14 April :: 1.30pm
:: Mood: anxious
I need a new start, and I'm trying to find my niche.
So far - it's not working.. but I'm trying. I guess that counts.
I'm trying to find a new school, a new place for myself - in life.
I've become to realize that things I thought were important are little specks, and the things I never thought about are here to beat me in the face. I don't like these sorts of wake-up calls, but I'm also grateful for them.
Because some people never hear them.
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xjayk
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2010 2 April :: 8.32am
Its an absolute gorgeous day.
I woke up next to Thaddeus and Kleo and actually felt alive (contrary to most mornings) I got up on me feet and called a client of mine and am so motivated. I swear I've never been so in my life.
I've had two photoshoots this week going on my third and biggest one ever. It deffinetly puts my nerves on edge but I am very very excited! I'm doing what I love for a change and actually getting paid decent money for it. Though I gave her a large discount for being in our military, why charge those who litteraly would give an arm and a leg for you? Plus just recently having my own wedding I understand the whole budget thing, I couldnt even begin to imagine how it would be like trying to plan a wedding in Afghanistan!
Its amazing how different 'work' feels when you do what you love. I'm attracting more visitors to H&A more and more frequantly, and having more and more people interested in shoots. Most of the time I would do it for free but I suppose the adult way to put it would be 'If people want it, why not charge 'em for it?' lol. But without these little things in my life here and there I know I would go mad. Been there not as fun as people think. Damn Mad Hatter making people get the wrong idea...I guess that's what makes him absolutely mad...
Now I'm not making any sense am I?
Its funny I have to work very veerrry shortly but here I am talking nonsence on a blog that no one reads and has most likely forgotten all about.
I guess that's my que to get ready
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2010 1 April :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: melancholy
As I stood on the deck at Shane's house this morning, with the warmth of the sun shining on my face, I closed my eyes in hope.
I imagined. Deep into the crevices of my brain, I dreamed. I closed my eyes tight, but opened them on the inside. What I saw was beautiful. What I saw was what I want so badly, but cannot have.
I woke up this morning - facing the white wall. I opened my eyes, and closed them again. Imagining what I want. I saw a creamy tan wall, two windows with white trim - the sun was coming in, but I could feel it how I wanted to. I imagined standing up, walking to the porch and standing in front of the doorway. I stared out, all of the houses, the calm, the rejuvenating feeling I yearn for was there. I watched a car go by, I stared to the blue sky, and breathed. I love when I can breathe. Then it goes.
I know I have to open my eyes, see the reality of what is in front of me. So, I do. The white wall was still there. I closed my eyes, reopened them, closed and reopened. I knew the drab wall wasn't going anywhere. I sat up, pulled the curtain back and saw my car outside. I saw Shane's. I looked at the pine's and the grass poking through, and all of the new-coming growth.
I had a dream that I was sitting in my driveway. But I wasn't young, I was 19. I was who I am now. I was sitting in my driveway at my home. It was a light grey, with a lot of little rocks and ant hills. I had a couple leaves in my hand. Ants scurried by, as I attempted to grab them. I looked to my house - off-white siding, hunter green shutters, a big maple tree in the front yard. I looked back and smiled, I felt the feeling I always felt.
Everyone around me, the world, the whole universe was at my fingertips. I felt alive. The garden hose was lying beside me. It was running, and a pool collected near the end of the driveway. I sent the leaves down my little man-made river, watching as they swirled around at the end of their journey. I got up and my dream ended as I went inside the house.
It was a beautiful dream. It felt like it happened yesterday, but I know it didn't. Most of the time I know I need to get over it, that I need to stop. But others, like now, I like the feeling of the sun.
Even if the only way to feel it this way is within a dream.
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xjayk
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2010 20 March :: 12.15pm
There has got to be a better way
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xjayk
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2010 5 March :: 10.40pm
Man lifes complicated.
Thaddeus was sent from heaven to make sure
I don't loose my mind I swear.
Without him I go nuts.
Not because I miss him
or because he's all lovey dovey (because he's totally not)
but he grounds me
He reminds me that I'm no superwoman that can do it all
and he believes in me deeply
more than I do myself most days
Out of nowhere I come up with all of these ideas, all of these
aspirations. I want to do everything - then a week later
nothing.
One day I want to take the world head on
then the next I wake up and realize I cannot do everything as easily as I'd like
Then I don't want to do anything at all and settle
But its not like I'm settling I just dont know what I want to do
It is not being indesisive
Its more so I just dont know what I'd be happy with
I don't know what kind of job would make me happy
everyday
I don't know how to go about it
But what I do know scares the living piss out of me
I know if I stay in the job I have now
The job I enjoy
That's like a family
With the ups and the downs
I wont be able to get by
I wont be able to live off of it
there would be no savings
no new car that I so desperately need
no chance for promotion or progression in my job
no security
even for a top chef
no raise
I'm sick of Thaddeus being the bread winner
and soul provider
I once took care of him and now the roles are reverced I hate it
I hate him giving me an 'allowance'
because all my money went to bills and I have absolutely nothing left
I hate having to ask if I can buy papper towl
I hate it!
But he does it in stride
He doesnt mind because he knows I try
and I guess because he loves me too
He never complains
and never yells
What have I done to deserve him
'cause God knows that I yell
I scream
I tell him no when he wants to buy stuff (that he buys anyway)
Speak of the devil
Its time to go pick him up from work right now.
I'll update later.
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cjessicapyne
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2010 15 February :: 7.57pm
And as strong as I seem to think I am, my distressing damsel.. she comes out at night, when the moon's filled up, and your eyes are bright; and I think I simply oughta fall over.
Life is hard. It always has been.
As a kid, you hear all about it, you co-exist with it.
You dance, twirl, and muddy yourself in life's sand box without ever really having to deal with it. Most of our parents do an amazing job and disservice of protecting us from reality and its evil ways.
I never appreciated growing up in a tumultuous home. I resented my family for not shielding me. All, of course, until I left that place and found myself surprisingly prepared for the horrors and stress waiting around every corner of my own day-to-day.
Whether or not they meant to, my parents gave me a gift with every first-hand experience I took in their respective worlds. A personal how-to on love, hate, abuse, addiction, redemption, struggle, and passion. I compare my notes with every person I encounter and am constantly editing the pages of my mentality, my values, my self.
It's a book that will never be complete. I can't wrap it in brown paper and twine to be sent off to an editor, because everyone would write this story differently. Life: a Memoir. A novella. A poem. A fantasy. Anything, and that's the horrific beauty of it; it's whatever you make it.
You.
No one else.
So dream big.
If there was ever a time to dare, to make a difference, to embark on something worth doing, it is now.
Not for any grand cause, but for something that tugs at your heart, something that's your aspiration. Something that's your dream. You owe it to yourself to make your days here count.
Have fun.
Dig deep.
Stretch.
Dream big.
Know, though, that things worth doing seldom come easy. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be times when you want to turn around, pack it up, and call it quits. Those times tell yourself that you are pushing yourself. That you are not afraid to learn by trying and working.
Persist.
Believe in the incredible power of the human mind, of doing something that makes a difference, of working hard, of laughing and hoping, of lasting friendships.
The start of something new brings the hope of something great.
Anything is possible.
There is only one you.
And you will pass this way only once.
Do it right.
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xjayk
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2010 18 January :: 1.19pm
Well it seems this is my first post of not just the year but as a married woman. Wow. Its so strange to say. Married. Wife. Thad's bitch fo' Life. Its still so uncomfortable to say but it doesn't feel any different. We still get into arguments, we still do the same things everyday, but I have noticed Thads become a bit more deffensive over me, about freakin time. It scares me at times the whole forever thing. But it only freaks me out when I fixate on it.
I feel better now though. It feels like Thad and I are doing things right for once, not just in the eyes of society but in the eyes of our God. I know it may sound a little preachy but it feels good. Really its an undescribably feeling but it just feels like everythings okay. No remorse, or paranoia. Its all good.
We're moving into our first house on the first of Feb. Its soo exciting! An actual house where Thaddeus and I can just roam. Its not big by any means but its perfect for the two of us and Klieo. We moved in our Sofa, chair, and rug. It already looks like a home. The first cannot come soon enough. I'll be an aunt, moved into a quaint little house, doing a photoshoot. Things are going to be great, but I'm soo impacient and even though its only two weeks away I want it now! If we wanted to we could have moved in earlier but Thaddeus doesnt want to move in yet. Which in my opinion is lame. Thad's been living in my dads basement for two years! Its time for him and I to get out! I'm nervous because there has been soo many broken promises about houses and whatnot, getting a house, an apartment, a duplex, he's milked living off of my dad and now its time my dad just kicked him out so he has to live on his own. Dad doesn't have the heart to kick anyone out but he has said that he couldn't wait until we moved out so he can save money. Wow, rambling... but I have alot on my mind.
I think I'm a Klieo whisperer
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cjessicapyne
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2010 5 January :: 10.35pm
Check it, peeps.
So the holidays have come and passed. Kaleb is 8, Karis is 6, Eliseo is five. FIVE. And Emilio is 2 1/2. Let us not forget the 1/2, else he'll turn into a "mean alligator" again and bite my boob.
I've been gone awhile. But I've got myself moved into a new house, with a new puppy, new inspiration, and a lot of new shoes.
Yes; things are good.
The photo is me and Mealy on Christmas, ft. one of his many motorcycles - they're his fav. Although he much prefers to call them "mexicos."
Why? because he can, that's how he rolls, and with a name like Emilio you'd just better be crossing your fingers, toes, and ankles in hopes that he isn't packing heat.
The holidays gave me a ton of time to think and observe all of the things that were/are important to me. Family, friends, things I've lost and things I've recovered.
See, I love my life right now. But I definitely miss the way things used to be.
Some things at least.
(my uncle Jamie carries on an innocent conversation with my grandma, Christmas '09.)
(he's about to find out what I've been doing.)
If you're reading this, I love you.
And if you're still hanging around, I miss you.
If you haven't given up, I'm still here.
And if you're sorry, I am too.
But if you're happy, I'm happy.
So happy.
Hope everyone is well!
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2009 12 December :: 1.38pm
So, I've got work tonight. Well, at 3, so midday I guess.
I hope it goes decently. I never know how it'll be though, but I hoooope that my co-worker will stay with me til 7, because then I'll have my sanity until AT LEAST then.
I went out with Shane's mom last night, it went well. She got some "Shane" shopping done. Though he's quite easy to shop for.
I'm done with my shopping!! I'm proud of not being a procrastinator this year.
I also got my hair done yesterday. It's purple and sort of asymmetrical. I told myself I wouldn't chop my hair again, but I gave the stylist creative-freedom, so it's really my mistake. I don't have my USB or I would upload some pics. I kinda like it, just needs some getting used to.
My cat's cuddling me. I love her. Quite frankly, she is the best animal I have ever had. I would give a lot for her to be immortal. I can't imagine her being gone whatsoever. She's almost 14, and it's really scary.
Jo-Jo - I need to send your letter out!! I just need to add a couple things, so I'll let you know when to start checking your box. :)
I also need to write my brother - haven't done it in wayyy too long. I talked to him on the phone today though. He's doing as good as he can. Has a job, and works a few hours a day. He seems okay, but I can't ever be sure.
I want to see Alicia again!! I will see her on her wedding day, I guess. Well, the day before. I asked for those days off, so they better give them to me! Either way, I will be there. I'm excited!! I need my purple shoes though. :) Cannn't wait!!
Leesh - Make sure you call me when you get your dress, or text me. Either one! :D
So yep.
Christmas break's been good so far all-in-all.
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2009 1 December :: 8.07pm
I paid some of my credit card. It's down from where it was. Makes me less stressed. I'm liking it.
Though.. I am officially broke. Like, completely. Until this coming Monday.
I hung out with Alicia. Just got back like.. 20 minutes ago. I got my bridesmaid dress for her upcoming wedding. Exciiiiting!! It's cute, and it was only 15 bucks! Can't beat it. :) Now, hopefully her sista likes it 'cause we bought her one without her there. Haha.
Anyway, school sucks. I only have 3 more days. Well, about 3ish. I finished my 11 page paper. That sucked majorrrrly. But - that's the end of the class. I sell my books back next week, and I hope to god I get a decent buy-back. Sometimes they're crappy and I don't get anything. One can only wait..
So. Yep. I cashiered at my job a couple days ago. Time went by way faster than the deli. It was a good change, but I hate being in charge of money. Not that I make huge mistakes, just makes me nervous a little. But yeah, it was nice. Lots of different people; some nice, some decent. You know, the usual with customers.
Money sucks. I just wish the world didn't have to revolve around it. I know that's far-fetched, but it would be magical, wouldn't it?
No matter what or who you are, money is an object and it's beginning to get more and more relevant to me. Not that I was naieve to it before, but it's way too real now.
Maybe that, or I'm just dutch.
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2009 25 November :: 2.02pm
I'm getting a whole new look here on Saterday. Hopefully I forgot to check the scheduale. I hope someone could cover for me at least for a little bit just so I can get my hair done.
I have no idea how long this will take.
I'm going platnium blonde with purple streaks throughout.
Its different.
And needed.
I think we all need change.
Everyone, at this moment.
I have been wishy washy, doing things I dont want to do (like everyone else) working, seeing friends when I can, taking care of Cleo, and trying to spend time with Thaddeus, even though its a rarity anymore.
I've watched my friends go through the scariest, greatist, most cherished, most feared time of their lives, and I along with them every step. For everything I dreampt about and everything I thought I wanted is now just a confusing blob. And I've noticed this year has almost been like a foreward to change. Where we're all lost, confused, vexed, and determined, and not at the same time. Maybe what we all need is to make that jump. That one big stride instead of baby steps. Instead of sitting here in Holland hating where I live, my situation, I should just get up and actually do something rather than going through the motions waiting and hoping something will happen. Maybe I should move, find a job, start completely over with a whole new identity. (not in that order)
I'm pretty sure the coming year can go one of two ways. First is that this whole year of confusion was not in vain and things will begin to make sense and begin to work in a clearer order. Or two this year was but a prelude to the struggles of next year and we'll be tested like never before. But be better for it in the end.
I personally hope it'll be the first one. I need a break. :D
Next year will be a whole new experience for me, I'll be married, moving, trying new things, and meeting new people. Maybe I'll actually find what I love and find a way to translate that into a career.
Maybe Hillary will find peace and realize she's been working hard and its actually not in vain. Hopefully she'll see that her work ethic, her mind, and even her indesisiveness is actually a blessing that's going to send her to where she really belongs. Trying new things to figure out where she's supposed to be. I hope she gets a moment every now and then to stop and look into the mirror and see the woman she's become over the passed two years. And realize that she's further along than most people in their 30's. Working two jobs at times three, knowing what matters to her and realizing when time gets crazy she takes things in stride and moves on. There's so much more but I dont want to ramble.
I have high hopes for this year. But moreso for myself and the ones I love. I dont want us to wait for good things to come anymore. I want us to move towards what we want and not settle.
...so that's how I feel at the moment. . . . How are you guys.
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2009 25 November :: 12.50pm
:: Music: Akon & Pitbull - shut down
Sigh.
So, I can't decide if I'm relieved or stressed at this point.
I'm just hanging out before I have to go to work at 2. I close tonight.. annnd as usual, I don't want to. I just feel that 8 hours is much too long to stand at the deli counter. I've heard we're going to be ridiculously busy though, with people picking up their meals and turkeys for tomorrow.
I'm going to see my grandma tomorrow for Turkey day. I think it's at three, and I'm so glad I got most of my paper(s) done last night. It sucked, but at least I have the drafts.
I went Christmas shopping on Monday and finished up shopping for my mom and my grandma. I just have to get a few more things for my dad, and for Leesh, Shane, annnd.. I actually just need to write this all down so I know exactly what to buy and what I can spend. Saving that task for later this weekend.
I guess my mom is getting the house she wants (not the one previously talked about), and we're getting that 8,000 dollar tax credit. But, is this just me, or is it only fair to split that money in half? Maybe I'm loosing my mind, but I just think that I deserve a little bit more than I'll be getting. I guess I should be glad to get any at all. It's a nice house from pictures I've seen, and I get to walk through it on Friday. It has 5 bedrooms, and apparently my soon-to-be room has a bathroom off of it. Sounds nice enough if it all actually happens.
I want to hang out with Leesh super-bad. It's been too long.. again. As always. I wish I lived closer.. as always. I dunno, we'll figure something out as we always do. **Maybe for your last christmas present, Leesh, we can go shopping and YOU can pick it out. I'm having a tough time picking something out for you. I think going together would be better. Soo, I will plan on that. Maybe hit up Target, etc.
In other news, I love chocolate milk. And hot chocolate. I'm at a cup a day. I'm getting fat. It's not good. The gym's not been able to fit into my schedule lately, even though I'd like to go more than I have been. Ohh well. Shit happens.
In conclusion to this post, I just want to extend hope to the coming year. I really really completely honestly hope that 2010 has something better than 2009 had.
If it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm the only one in saying this year sorta kinda sucked.
A lot.
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xjayk
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2009 22 November :: 11.49pm
I MIGHT BE GETTING ANOTHER SPHYNX!!!!!
We shall name him Ace, if he doesn't already have a name, and he shall be Cleo's new playmate!
Hopefully this goes through. I'll be going this weekend if everything works out right!
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xjayk
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2009 15 November :: 10.57pm
For those who don't understand, well...I just don't care.
We're getting things ready, and set.
We have our minds made up
We're walking down the ailse and thats enough
Enough for us right now, thats what we want
It was his idea at first
And I now agree
I know it sounds stupid
and its not all about the money
But there are things I need and things he desires
And no I haven't tried to rhyme throughout this thing
But it kinda played out that way...now for the awkward pause in your reading because the flow has completely stoped.
I guess what I am trying to say is, please be supportive. We have our reasons for this and its not like we're not having our wedding later as well. But we're going through the Justice of the Peace, next month or early January. I dont want to feel like people are talking Thaddeus and I out of this. It is our desicion and thats final. Yes we're young, yes we aren't having the proper wedding, yes we are a bit ignorant to things. We all are. If we were born in marriage marriage itself wouldn't be a big deal. I want people to understand that Thaddeus and I have been in the workings of this for years and now it seems like the perfect time to act. So dont be worried about not going to a reception, or going to see the magical moment, and blah de blah, there will be a time. But right now its right for us. You got questions? Well then ask them. Dont be so judgemental before you get it.
If I could have a dream wedding tomorrow I would, but the fact of the matter is we cant and WE dont want to wait that long. Things have come up that make it a bit more difficult to save up money for the wedding unless we're already married. Haha. I know how that sounds but its true. I think people wouldn't even understand if I explained it to them. Really. I'm stressin' out as is. Please just give me a fuckin' break. I don't need to hear it. If I wanna listen to someone preach I'd be sitting in church right now or upstairs listening to my father.
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