last post.

not coming back.

i done and died.

yeah, i'm selfish.

Jewrappic J (4:53:30 PM): write any new songs?
caffienatidjazz (4:53:50 PM): nope
Jewrappic J (4:54:06 PM): thats unusual for a weekend
Jewrappic J (4:54:08 PM): why not
caffienatidjazz (4:54:17 PM): *shrug*

lucy (2:00:45 PM): consider this a half-hearted, unenthusiastic, miserable glare
lucy signed off at 2:00:53 PM.


i've yet to figure out if posting my honest thoughts on the internet is such a great idea.

and then...
talking to nat tonight. a lot of honesty. a lot of realization of anything that was there and everything we were to eachother. i miss her so much.

also...

i smell like bari and bari has a bracelet and i have her pocketwatch

and i haven't been talking to lucy nearly as much as i did or have. and i sort of feel bad, but it's feeling more and more right to just...... let her be and move on. not in a nikol-way of me meaning that, but in that the whole "i love you, i miss you, when i get my license i'll come visit you" just doesn't seem real or right anymore. and maybe it's cos i haven't seen her in so long and it's almost hopeless to have whatever we had, or that we never had it to begin with

ned (12:24:48 AM): maybe you both just realized that talking all the time about how it used to be is monotonous.... she'll always be aroud. shes just got better things to do than live in the past.
caffienatidjazz (12:25:05 AM): as do i?
ned (12:25:40 AM): indeed

laughing and hugging and falling down staircases and then falling on my face in sadness
bari came over today.

for the first time.

it was fun. we both acted so drunkenfucked i coulda swore i had taken something.

then, as we're lying on top of eachother on the futon, she puts a pick in her mouth, spits it up, catches it, and swallows it.

she's at the nearest hospital.

i realized as soon as she left i shouldv told her to call me after all this is cleared up or something but i forgot.

i'm a fuckup friend.

also:

caffienatidjazz (11:45:48 PM): new thesis
caffienatidjazz (11:46:20 PM): conor is too afraid to lose cool girls through relationships and fucking up in relationships so he treats cool girls like really good friends until they think he's gay
caffienatidjazz (11:46:45 PM): when he should be fucking SOMEONE
conor also has stopped recording music because he knows he can't write lyrics, can't sing, and is musically limited.


diana (11:49:58 PM): newer thesis:

conor is a sweet guy who is being a grump at the moment, and thinking he sucks. but we all know he doesnt.. and furthermore, we know hes adorable and happy and pink!
diana (11:50:18 PM): + he is very talented and super hot
caffienatidjazz (11:51:34 PM): god. i need to see a therapist. but that's so anti-everythingme
diana (11:51:47 PM): dont see one then. youre alrightttt
Idb1223 (11:53:11 PM): be happy
caffienatidjazz (11:53:28 PM): thats what i tell myself. cos my mom is like the kind of person who says everything thats wrong with me or that i wind up in is my own damn fault and my dad was always selectively intense and yelling and so i've been so not therapist material no matter how much i hurt or fuck up myself or anything. it's like how i hate going to a teacher for help. i should be smart enough to get through these things alone. i shouldnt need a crutch like a teacher or a therapist.
caffienatidjazz (11:53:37 PM): i want to be happy and pink
caffienatidjazz (11:53:44 PM): i was so happy like an hour or two ago
caffienatidjazz (11:53:45 PM): wtf

fuck.

i pull this shit too often.

i want to hurt myself so badly. make sure that no one has to deal with me any more. make sure i'll stop everything.

i just need a break from everything

i'm going to break something

hopefully it wont be me

did i mention i saw rilo kiley in nyc with sara and her brother and met malcolm? what a great fucking night.


what the fuck is wrong with me.

"well this is a rock record so that's sorta silly wouldnt ya say"

i'm in love with the world...
through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
and i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows and you see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after

-elliott smith "say yes"
____


dear god i'm fucking pitiful tonight. this is the first low i've hit in a while and i swear to god this is the only song keeping me from drinking me into stupor.

fuck. just fucking. ugh.

god i could have every material thing in the world, and nothing would mean as much to me as a few lousy cds, which mean absolutely nothing to other people.

people dont get it. people dont get me. people dont get my music. it's like, as soon as i think i have something or i might have talent or direction it just get fucked over and i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

fucking. fucdslfkj.

i'm seeing rilo kiley today-night (well it's 2am.)

i dont know who my friends are anymore.

maybe it's me that's fucked up. fuck.

sorry for the rant, i just had to get this out somewhere. christ.

let's hope i dont get a bottle of booze.

i made wall paper for the loft out of magazine clippings and scotch tape.

this weekend'll be busy. friday is practice for the coffee house, with jacob nanette and ned. the song i arranged. hm.

saturday i'm seeing rilo kiley in nyc. joy.

sunday... god what'll i do sunday? i should see a girl. or hang out with some friends.

but i say that every weekend.

BubblGumPunkRokr (12:58:38 AM): frodo in chains?
BubblGumPunkRokr (12:58:58 AM): wtf is that supposed to mean?
shes not asleep (12:58:58 AM): :-)

Are You HOT or NOT?

HOT or NOT 9.3 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 81 votes Rate me!

the garage is finally set up.

it's beautiful

watching the wilco dvd in the dark in the garage with heat and no one to bother me.

this is the happiest i've ever felt alone.

i've taken more comfort in music. put more of my time and emotion into music. getting my heart and head off of women and my own damn hormones.

that doesn't mean i wouldn't love to have a girlfriend. or get laid.

oy.

didn't see kate sunday like i said i would. i lost her phone number when my phone died. she didn't call. i didn't bother.

today she said sorry and it was her fault. but i wasn't there to answer.

oh well.

now that i think about it maybe i do want a girl.

so she says hi in the hall
aw
so she says hi in the theater lobby, where i shouldn't be in the first place, as i walk through and her boyfriend turns around, arm around her to see what the fuss is.
kward
what the fuck am i supposed to say???
fu
guh.
ck
one of those things...
jeeee
yeah.
z
___

When I walk with you, I feel weird.
When I talk with you, I feel weird.
When I'm standing here, I feel strange.
When you're standing near, I feel strange.

All that I know
is my mind is blown.
When I'm with you.


When I'm with you. x5
When I'm...


When you're touching me, I feel great.
When I'm touching you, hallucinate.
When I'm standing here, I feel strange.
When you're standing near, I feel strange.


All that I know
is my mind is blown.
When I'm with you.


When I'm with you. x5
When I'm...

so.

"It is hard. Art is a struggle. You do something and you fall in love with it and you become obsessed with it. Because your obsessed with it you can't see clearly what it is you're doing. It's always a struggle. You don't know if it's any good, or if it has any quality or if it's going to move other people. You know it moves you, but you're obsessed."

-wayne

i've got a new site up with selected mp3s and mp3s to come.

http://www.soundclick.com/conormeara

enjoy. and suggestions welcome

yea, so if its sad
well you still gotta live till ya die
man, everyone's chewin the apple you got in your eye


it like at the circus
when you get lost in the crowd
your happy but nervous
definite sign that you lost it

___

happy new year. i'm. alone. and cold. and nothing blew up. i'm goin to bed. goodnight.

_____

fuck. i can't sleep. i'm lonely. fuck fuck fuldkfa;lskdfd

Elbies14 (12:10:46 AM): i went and ate jimmies with a little bit of ice cream at the chinese buffet
Elbies14 (12:10:56 AM): and i saw lotr again

caffienatidjazz (12:11:25 AM): 2003 needs a kick in the balls now that it's down. i want bruised ribs and helium voiced ball busting kick to the nuts. i'm not lettin go. bastard.

Elbies14 (12:11:28 AM): and i smoked like a chimney and drank too much champagne for once and ihad the perfect dress and a fur coat and flip flops and a tiara.

caffienatidjazz (12:11:47 AM): i sat here waiting for something to explode

Elbies14 (12:11:57 AM): this is the seventeenth new years i havent kissed anyone at midnight




it doesn't even line up. fuck. guh.

fuck you.

caffienatidjazz (11:26:41 PM): so i got in the car home from bari's, and there was xmas music on
caffienatidjazz (11:26:52 PM): and i was like "turn that off, put this in"
caffienatidjazz: and my dad was like "but it's xmas music. xmas is fun"
caffienatidjazz: and i said "screw xmas"
caffienatidjazz: and he said "well you sure as hell didn't get laid tonight, grump"
caffienatidjazz: and i was like "wtf?"


ned and ross and i hung out the other day at my house.

natalie's grounded for the rest of break. or something. i dont want to know why. i fucked that up. i'm cursed.

i woke up at 10am this morning to go to baseball. ned slept here and was gonna leave right after we left.

came back at 1:30.

"uh... yeah, so i couldn't get a ride."

then he played wolfenstein. then he left. then i flipped out and tried to sleep. i dont know what i was doing.

then i went to bari's. fun. watched part of lotr 2 with her sister, mixed a drink for her mom and drank most of it, hung out, listened to music, made tea, drank tea, burnt my tongue, talked with her and her sister, left.

see top of page :D


oh! and this.

and a beautiful picture.

rock on.

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/bhbassist/nikol.txt

"Don't you know
You can't rewrite
Your own history
Cigarette Barbie

Your love is like a city I visited
Your love is like a city that burnt me good
Oh Las Vegas,
I could only afford one weekend"

that one's for you, ned. rock on, my man.

nikol - grow up.

you should have been in the woods. you should feel bad. you should face what you fucked over. you failed. now piss yourself away on coke for all i care.

fuck you.

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/bhbassist/nikol.txt

stagefright
i hate this feeling.

i rarely play live, but when i do it's always the same.

tonight i performed a jazzed up arrangement of silent night (2 guitars, piano, bass, 3 violins, 2 flues) in a christmas assembly type thing for parents. jazz band, chamber orchestra, choirs, and a capella group all from the school.

the song was mostly just lots of held roots/thirds/fifths and walking between changes and fills and stuff. and i totally nailed it.

but anyways. every performance. i just shake. like... my whole body just tremors and i can't stop it. and then my stomach starts twisting on itself and about 15-20 minutes after the performance i'll find myself in the bathroom either puking or crapping my brains out. it doesn't even matter what i ate, it's comin out one way or the other. too much info? fuck you. >:(

guh.

natalie's home. i need to see her "asap"

bari said i have to see her and kate so i can profess my love to kate.

i want to hang with ned and smoke and rant. not even rant just talk. get shit out.

sara and julie. *fyung*

alex suguiera is a fucking nutcase.

FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

hey, JUVENILE MY FUCKING ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU

it's over.

i'm going to fuckign punch someone in the face.=

guess what i did this weekend?



nothing.

caffienatidjazz (10:18:33 PM): i feel like getting drunk and walking to kate's house barefoot.
caffienatidjazz (10:18:43 PM): in a cheap suit
caffienatidjazz (10:18:51 PM): with one hand a bottle of vodka
caffienatidjazz (10:18:54 PM): and the other a cigarette
caffienatidjazz (10:19:51 PM): but that's just me




god damn i need to get out of here. i dont know if it's me or the people around me but

i smell shit.

if the fuckign dog shit on teh floor i'm going to strangle it

the week was a drag. i tried to keep a happy face. ned's ned.

apparently according to 100% of people i associate with at school, i'm gay.

fascinating.

lucy. i'm going to go fucking insane.

maryland. maryland is X miles away from here.

ned is going to go to nyc tomorrow by himself and "hang out" with nikol.

nikol and ned. firecrotch.

i'm horny. i'm lonely. this weekend is going to be another weekend. crap.

i want to hang out with someone and just... drink and hang out and be happy.

ned said i should hang out with bari more. ugh. i dont know. i dont feel confident being around bari. i feel so... worthless.

i'm never going to hang out with kate. i've decided. she's too... kate. she's not mine. she's ross' friend. she's bari's friend. despite the fact that she lives 5 minutes from me and now does not have a boyfriend, and it pretty cool..

i dont know what would make me happy right now.

i want a girl again.