so i went to school
i gave lou 45 dollors today to buy that stuff cuz i felt soo badly then he put it back in my bag so i gave it to galler later on.
so today i got a ride home from one of joani and hollys friends so nice of him to drop me off instead of bring me to hollys with them
james bashed my head like 3 times into a machine and it kinda hurts still i really mean it to
hes geting a little to touchy like it hurts. he chokes me or something and it hurts more then he thinks

wow i got some nice friends
alright soo today i woke up with a big head ache. my parents yelled at me and said i was geting hair tested and if i dont pass i get send away. i told lou and i said something about shampoo that washes it out and he said him and galler are guna get me it,....wow hes a really good friend i love lou ... thats more then kris ever did for me haha

so went to my moms friends ate dinner and played lax for mad long then ate more...yea that was my sad day

So it was a kris free friday for the first time
So lets start out with when i walked into town to meet fingers and galler. i saw this kid i used to know back in the day on the walk up there. talked till i saw matt and matt. so we walked into town. went to my place of work. there was like bingo or something. saw some kids i take care of. Meg and Ellie. Cute little bugers. So galller got this free sandwitch and then we took him home and me and matt went to the "movie" but shh we really went to boreders. oh yes i went there. me who was so anit-boreders. but its kinda nice. it was a nice change from kris's basement .

as we where driving up there i started thinking about kris like walbums i thought about how we searched for jon alot and how nothing it going to be the same with out him not matter what even if i get happy and i live my life fine and normal there will still be that little something or someone who isnt there to be with me you know... and today everthing me galler and matt passed i go ah me and kris did this or this or this there. it makes me sad. but there all good memoires. for the most part.

Jill and dave got into a little fight. dave is so mean to girls he needed it and that kid alex scared him so good and jill burnt him...good girl.. he needs to learn to treat girls nice. so then matt drove me home and lent me sid and nacy. ill watch it tommorow cuz tonight i gotta watch Chris's thing on chanel 20 at 12 30 i alway forget and tonight i wont. last week i was in maine and the one before i was in depression

oh yea russ said kris shot up coke once. i was very mad and upset. i mean i still love the kid but i cant help but be mad as much as i miss him it was total rong of him to do that and nnot to tell me and really Who shoots up cocaine?

So i love kris alot and really miss him
i love how dave harolde goes hows your boyfriend and i say gone and he says i know haha it was funny everyone knows yet they ask and he wasnt the only one someone else did it also. silly kids those kris haters or lovers i cant really tell

i think im the only true fan of kris. ah well sadly i see why i am because he can be a total dick even to me but i love it and i love him for some starange unknown reason?
but im not sure if not knowing is good or not

And so it starts....
So ive been geting my self back together as some people may or may not have noticed lately. But then his mom called and it alll hit me again. I just realize that he isnt coming back and my hopes where to high. His mom telling my mom also didnt make anything any better what so ever. Now i just have that little extra thing to push me off the edge. When my mom used to get like this id have Kris. To talk to me, and tell me even if my mom hated me he didnt. Make me feel a little better. I just dont have anyone to make me feel good about my self. I really miss kris and with this friday coming up im more depressed then ever. I mean ive spented every single friday with or at least talking on the phone with kris for the past like 10months maybe more. And now i dont have Kris, with that it will be my first "clean" friday.
So its 2weeks today since ive seen him, it makes me realize. So much can happen in a week or 2. i really miss kris. i reallly cant explain how i feel. i guess i really do love kris. i just cant wait till be gets back i want the yeat to go fast. i miss him llike so much more then i can even explain.
i justt wanna tell him i love him and miss him and id tell that much more better

sooo i went to maine
alright so thruday i went to maine to see my sister. it was nice there, i got new belly rings and my nose pierced there really isnt much to tell
amys friend made fun of how i eat bread. and he makes pretty masks. hes really goood.
today i went to school gave lou my bra and died my hair

missin kris
so i talked to peter before for a little. it kinda makes me sad. its like i wish this where kris. this sucks, he says kris will probaly get out sooner. and will get rights and shit i hope so cuz this depression thing will probaly get old.

BUT i now came up with this after days of thinking about it

~no matter how much i miss and love and want to be with kris i cant be selfish, he needs this. i need this. we need this. and even though this is the worst way to learn the lesson that we should quit and should have a long time ago. the lesson now shall be learned but the hardest way.
a year. its long.

im praying he gets out earlyer.

i really hope he misses me also,
i feel like he doesnt love me
and miss me
and is fine
and will meet a girl and forget me
and ill lose him
and ill be sad
cuz ill lose the only person that ive went out with that i really liked for real no one else i reallly did everyone else was like on and off and never really liked them...
haha sorry but its true

i L o v e kris. not like a little middle school thing. i truly think im in love. and we have a futhor and kill me if u dissagree. i really feel the hole order with me and kris was perfect. maybe not this one thing. but now thats over and done and ok
like when we 1st kissed. i thought it was wierd how it happen
these other girls where guna sneek out but got caught so me and kris where alone
then it happen

and you know whats really wierd? in a way coke brought us to going out
cuz one night me kris and matt all went out.
i made kris do it
we really talked and he asked me out.
before that he was guna but shit happen so this kinda made him go for it in a way

haha dont read this. i blubber on and on cuz im bored and deprressed and i love him

miss ya kris_

well ifs 4-20 and i dont care
soo Sabrina left a comment here and it really did make me feel better
i just needed to hear it from someone who has had this happen to them also in a way
thanks
soo james got me playin dumb zelda to get my mind off it
to bad i need to get his help ever 2 secs
james played some song that just made think of him haha silly james.(korky)
today is rios birthday/easter/4-20 and i really dont care

im still sad..
i woke up at like 12 40.
called galler he makes me feel a little better.
cryed some what.
talked to amy.
im soo depressed
so i sat home today and i ate for the 1st time but alot but i ate a little.
i miss this kid soo much
i talked to james and sat in my basement as he tought be how to play Zelda.
colored easter eggs. thats it
i cant stop thinkin about this kid. hes gotta come back im dying here. i just dont like not havin him around
i love him
i miss him
i want him home
i cant take this
i hurt so much
someone kill me...
im soo upset.

it isnt getin better
so i thought things would get better if i sleept so at like 2 30 last night (after siting here for like 6 hours not really talkin to anyone) i went into my room. it took a while but i got to sleep. and i thought id wake up alright but i feel the same it hurts sooo fucking much its like a coke down. and i know its nnot from coke cuz i quit that shit and i never got liek this in the other weeks with out it. i need kris...

i dont know if im goin to make it
i feel realy sad i need to get this out
the truth of the matter is i spent this whole day crying and i loook like a herione addit. i cant take it i have no one to talk to or anything and all i want is to have him call me but i know it wont happen i just want him back soo much
i love kris
this is the worst i ever felt...
i know im pathic

sad.....so i take tests?

Cocaine.
You like to talk,
you like to run,
but most of all you like to have fun.


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u are just like me, u DO suffer from manic
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i miss him
Ok everything fucking makes me thing of him its really scary.
Like:
snapple?
his ear thing that some how is randomly on my bathroon floor.
my bed
his sweater
my catch 22 sweater
screeching weasel
nofx
my sisters room
the change on her roof
my back door
my cd player....
eek

im really upset alot more then i thought i would be i mean its not even a day and its soo total diffrent with out him i cant even explain i go to call him
i know he isnt guna be there but i just want to call him cuz im so used to it ...
i cant take it
i hope i can make it

soo hes gone
so i went to kris's last night we did stuff
for the final time ... russ james and his friend mark went....
i cant belive he is gone it sucks soo much
our goodbye sucked....and i didnt call him last night cuz i didnt want to say "goodbye" again because i hated it so much

still didnt come!
so kris didnt come again too bad tonight i promise hahha
that jill girl was at my school today shes not that bad i felt bad when peter was being a dick to her cuz she isnt that bad peter just does that when someone doesnt like him haha
got my freaken belt buckle back from mayer after much pushing
i think im guna get him another one

sad
so kris didnt come over last night and today he want to another one of the rehab things soo friday at one i lose my kris for a year im so mad i dont want him to go ,...he will leave forget me and find some time crack head and ill die
hes comin tonight FOR SURE if he callls back that is which he best do

well i get to go back to school
soo i had the meetin turns out its only one day suspention toooo bad oh well its only a 2 day week



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i am sooo bored of being home
sooo 2nd weekend in a row that i am home and cant go out and it reallly sucks
havent done anything since that 13gram thing the day before that concert a couple saturdays ago
last night kris got stuff with the money i gave russ for e cuz he cant get it
i told kris i had a bad feeling and not to come over
maybe tonight
i feel bad it must suck to have and not to do
oh well i have a meeting with my condom monday ,..... might get less days not sure yet
soo gotta go to grandmas ....mom said kris can come that be cool since we got stuff but i dont want to make him go there plus he cant go out sooo oh well
byeee
oh yea write what you think about kerri hahha and not about me who ever keeps writing in ugly and shit should reallly leave a name is really gay of u

umm yea

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

MAD!
so today me ashley javi and amanda deside kerri needs to get beat or at least talked to. so we go to her class and when she gets out we start to talk. she keeped walkin away and every time she did id kinda pull or push her to come back. then she went away and i pulled her and shes starts to pull my hair i punched her a couple times and shit and welll in suspended for 3 days i really hope i hurt that stupid bitch fucking i hate her so much she needed this even her friends said soo i hate her more then i can express spoild shallow fucking bitch
she only got one day also,,,bullshit

Illl day
sso today was cool lets start off nice and early .....got up went to school backpack less meet jen peter John Kevin Al and kristy
went over my riches and a gaurd started to follow us soo scary but we got away cuz we went in the woods
final got to my house driven my a stoner dude he was cool
got to my house smokes aloottt it was soo cute
kris came
let al and kevin taake wine
Oh and mike pierced me! haha
total of who was there...
Kevin
Korky
paul
peter
Kristy
Nicole
Jen
Kris
Al
Mike
Pau
Johnl

The coool kids of smithtown are going to have a cool day with one kris
soo tommorow is some dumb holocost nazi all day bullshit...its dumb
so me and peter got an idea i said lets go to my house and not school soo thats wats going on heres the line up for who is going ( a * means maybe ;) )
Peter
Mike
John
Paul
Kris
Kevin
*Al
*rich
Nicole
Kristy
Jen
its guna be cool smokign and maybe coke


mikes guna pierce me haha

soo it snowed?
so it snowed not alot at alll and we got out of school at 1 45 instead of 1 59? isnt that great and it was dumb cuz i really dont care about stayin in math since all we did was sit there and work on a sheet with a partner so me and peter just talked
i want kris to come over tonight but i dont know since i dont want him riding his bike when there is snow and shit dont need him getin hurt now
soo ill be mad tired in school oh well not like i need engry for school anyways ;)
look what Matt and to u other kids "fingers" says hahhaha
thefon Z Z 87: as soon as kris goes away
thefon Z Z 87: we're goin out
MrLunt135: we can fuck
MrLunt135: YEsss
thefon Z Z 87: me n u baby
thefon Z Z 87: yes
MrLunt135: score
thefon Z Z 87: o yes score we will
MrLunt135: hahha i loveu
thefon Z Z 87: "clcik" ;-)

even if i really dont want kris to go away that would be a nice change hahah noo i dont want kris to leave