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:: 2009 29 April :: 3.23 pm

I HAVE AN INTERNSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could make that font REALLY REALLY big, but I'm just that skilled, hahaha. But I really did score an AMAZING internship. I'll be working at this safety processing company in IL, making a whopping $15.75 an hour, which is twice what Im making right now!! I can't even fathom that much money!!! I'm sooooo excited! But I am bummed, too.....me and Eric were getting ready to sign on an apartment in AZ before i got the internship....so I still have to wait till December for that....so much for trying to speed up THAT timeline. But HE is still getting an apartment, same complex, since its so badass, just a much smaller apartment. Ok....i have to go study for my final in an hour>.....I HAVE AN INTERNSHIP!!!!!! HSLFSDJFLSKJFOIEWFLKJSNHVKJSSRNGF

:: 2009 14 April :: 10.55 am

:-)

I'm pretty happy. With everything. :-)
My grades are actually ok this semester....they may even be GREAT.
I"m SLOWLY digging myself out of debt entirely. It's taking forever hahaha.
Eric is still in Arizona, I fly out there every month or so to see him. I love getting to see him and his family, and Arizona isn't half bad. :-P
I've decided that even if I don't get into grad school out there, I think i'm just gonna go LIVE out there for a few years. I want to live in different places....soak up the culture and people....experience different things. :-)
I don't want everyone to graduate and leave....that's the only sad thing about the end of this month!!! :-(
I'm turning 22...eek. I feel like that's gettin old now :-P
I have a pretty great life........great friends, amazing boyfriend, supportive family (well part of them)....what more could you ask for??? :-D

:: 2009 24 January :: 12.07 am

I notice that when I don't want to do homework, I write on here....and then I tend to update regularly for a little while lol. Eric is officially in AZ....and I officially have a first draft of my resume done!!! YAY! I'm watching smart people, and it's amazingly funny, in a happy dry comedy sense lol. Other than that, I didn't really do anything today. I had two quizzes, and then i shoveled the driveway, which SUCKED....but other than that, i haven't done a whole lot.....well, ok, i lied. I spent probably 3 hours fixing my resume and hunting down internships and looking at other grad schools....it just FELT like i did NOTHING. Ugh. SOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo now.....that i STILL haven't updated anything, i'm gonna go study a little and then go to bed so i can SLEEP IN!!!!!! I LOVE SATURDAYS!!!!!!! <3

:: 2009 20 January :: 10.55 pm

WOW. Today is me and Eric's two year anniversary. I couldn't be happier. Even though he's on the road somewhere between Oklahoma and Texas, driving to Arizona right now.....even though I won't see him for probably another 2 weeks....I just couldn't be happier. And then, just out of strange curiosity, I went back and read journal entries from when me and Ben hit our two year.....HOLY SHIT lol. Talk about difference....and first of all, i HATE that fucker for making me think i was fat and unattractive! GODDAMN! I LOVE my body and I weigh probably 5 or so pounds more than I did two years ago!!! FAT?!??!?!?! Is he fucking new? (quoting Bryan ever so eloquently there) hahahahahhaa......god.....i was kinda pathetic to stay with him when he treated me like SHIT.....but you live and learn I guess. I'm surprised I didn't try to off myself though, I was pretty deep into feeling the worst and most hideous woman on the planet. Eek...I'm glad I've grown out of that lol. I can't imagine how awful my life would have been if i'd MARRIED him.....jeez, if he made me feel that nasty when we were just dating??? Yikes.

Anyway, enough of the negativity! Eric broke his "i'm turning off my phone for this trip to just get back into ME mode and relax" to call me a BUNCH of times today :-) I can't wait to go see him!!! I hope Arizona is as good for him as I feel like it's going to be. He deserves it. He's workin his butt off to piece his life back together and make it a damn good one.

He's gotten very 'futurey' lately....really bringing up the next few years together and getting really into detail about US, and how he's really making a life that will be good for US. I like it, but due to past relationships....I think i'm hesitant to return that feeling....BUT I've been talking with Cathy (counselor at school I go chat with when I'm feelin really stressed or thinkin about my dad alot), and she said I may as well give it my all, because if it ever DOES go bad, I'm gonna be hurt just the same if I act aloof or give it my all. So I'm gonna take the give it my all route :-) I'd love to move to Arizona, finish grad school at ASU (EEK that's my dream even if Eric moves somewhere else though :-D) marry that man, have 2 beautiful baby boys who will be incredibly smart hellions, and own my little bookstore some day. See, I think some of this would just creep him out, though, lol. A girl can have her dreams :-)

I'm still swamped with the internship stuff, but Mark is helping me out (him and his wife Vicky co-chair IAMRA, the Illinois Alaskan Malamute Rescue Association). He's talking to all of his contacts at hte chem companies to see what he can do. It's a HUGE help to me! I need to get something good! I need all the help i can get getting into graduate school. ASU is kinda hard to get into, i think, so i'm trying to pump up my resume as MUCH as possible!

I lost my keys....and my drivers license last weekend.....EEEEK. That's kind of a nightmare right now, but I found a spare key and I'm having a temporary license issued, so i just have to worry about getting into the bars.....

MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmk, I know i haven't updated on everything (I PASSED PHYSICS!), but I'm sleepy and part of my semester goals is to be more RELAXED, which means more sleep! SWEETEST DREAMS! <3

:: 2008 2 December :: 11.05 pm

I'm drastically overwhelmed.
*I'm dead broke....broker than broke...in severe debt broke.
*I have too much homework to do and no motivation to do it.
*I'm worried about getting a good internship with my shitty grades.
*I don't know if i'm going to pass physics.
*I'm unmotivated to do anything, really.
*I'm fat. Gross. Ok, not FAT, but pudgy.....and lazy.
*Eric is moving to Arizona.....fairly soon i think.
*I don't know how to help him heal.
*I'm freaking out about grad schools and internships...i know i said internships twice...i'm that freaked out.
*I feel like I don't have enough time in my day.

I hate when I have these freakouts. They make me unable to concentrate or do anything productive. I wish I was 10 again. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. I'm so broke I'm worried that my banks are going to start dropping me :-(. Can they do that? I've been so sick and missing work and going home that extra time.....not good for my wallet. It's really rather scary.
I'm so freaked out about my classes, yet i continue to slack off. I don't know WHY i can't get motivated. :-(
I feel sooooooooo lazy. I've been home since 5 pm, took a nap, and cleaned my room....watched house....and that's pretty much it. And looked at some scholarship information. I just don't understand why i can't get with it. So much for living my life. I'm just floating through it. And it just keeps hitting me in the face. I'm 21 years old....and I'm sitting around on my ass doing NOTHING right now. I feel like i'm taking life for granted over and over again.....
I keep getting angry with Joe.....angry and then sad and then angry for being angry. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't fully process. And those few moments where it does, suck. He's not coming back. No more silly smile, goofy late night conversations about movies and music. No more watching him and Eric interact.....i loved to just watch them. They were so crazy, funny, bizarre, perfectly happy. Well maybe not perfect, but happy. That's when I get angry. Angry that he left....that he's gone and won't come back. Angry that Eric has to live his life without his best friend by his side, angry that Joe left so many people that love him. Is that selfish??? And then worst of all, I get angry at him because I'm hopeless....I can't make Eric smile like Joe could, can't get him out of a rut with some crazy ass antic. And I don't know what to do....because this is the one thing Joe would be able to help Eric with, help him through, be there for him as a friend and a brother.....it's not supposed to be like this. They're supposed to still be causing hell. Joe was supposed to find a girl cooler than me, get married and have a ton of little boys.....I hate that I won't get to see that.....hate that I have to wait years and years and years to see him again. If there's a God, why would he take away someone like Joe? Someone that good and that amazing just shouldn't die. Not until they're old and wrinkled and spent from a full life.
And I'm still at a loss helping Eric. I just want to take his pain away and I can't, I can't even touch it. I don't know what to do...I can get him to laugh, to joke, to enjoy life a little, but then there's still that dark dark hurt......and I don't know whether to talka bout it or not....whether to bring it up or leave it alone.
And he's going to Arizona.....on top of everything else. I guess that part i'm LEAST worried about....it's free for me to get out there....but WHY can't I just have him for a little while?? Just me and him again....I feel like we have so long to wait for that. :-( We've been apart for 8 months now....and they've sucked. I miss him so much...miss curling up on the couch with him, laying around on a lazy sunday afternoon, snuggling up close to him at night. I hate crawling into my empty cold bed most days....some days, it is nice....big bed all to myself....but most days i crave him...i want him next to me. I wish I could just be with him, all the time.....is that creepy?? I don't know what I"m going to do....maybe I'll move out to Arizona for the summer.....

I don't want to write any more....instead of boosting my spirits like this usually does....this has just dragged me down.

:: 2008 24 November :: 12.58 am

it's 1 am. I have test tomorrow and a bunch of homework i should probably still finish. But i'm not doing ANY of it right now. eek. I can't wait to be home. Home, home, home, home, home. My mom and Brett and sister and Eric. No matter how short the time is. It's been sooooo hectic, stressful, and painful the past few weeks....I just can't wait to RELAX. I know i won't get to do MUCH relaxing....but i guess i've got to take what i can get. :-\
I'm perpetually broke again. ugh. I just can't keep up.....I could probably try harder....but I really would just rather be broke than be so bored because i never spend any money.....
I feel like I haven't been taking enough pictures....we used to take SOOO many....and now we don't anymore. Pictures are such vivid ways to remember.....at least for me.....i love them. I remember everything just looking at a picture.....the day, the mood, the weather, the conversations, the smiles, the people.....just looking at a picture. I can't get enough of them. And i feel like there just aren't ENOUGH pictures. A million stupid little smiles, stupid days or nights that are so meaningless, but looking back, they're some of the best.....stupid days going snowboarding in the park or playing in the snow, or cliffjumping, or girls nights or ANYTHING.........gah. Basically, i need 7 million more pictures than i have.

:: 2008 12 November :: 10.58 pm

Dear Joe....

Why am I writing to someone who died? I'm not sure, but maybe you can be the one person who understands why I'm sad. No, I haven't known you for very long, and no, I didn't go to highschool with you and share all those memories. But why can't I be sad?? Why can't I cry that my boyfriend's best friend, someone who has treated me like a sister or a close friend, is gone? Why can't I be hurt that someone like you isn't in my life anymore?? It's true I only saw you once a month or so....every time i saw Eric. But damnit, it makes me sad that you're gone. That you're not going to be there every time I go home. That you won't be around with some crazy story or antic to liven up the night. That your smile won't light up my camera at the bar. That I'll never see your gorgeous body again ;-). It does hurt, and it makes me cry, and it breaks me down. It hurts that people don't think i should be sad. You had an impact on my life. You brightened it. You made me smile and welcomed me into your circle of friends and love without a second thought. It breaks my heart that you're gone. I still can't believe it. I can't understand it. But now I'm going to put up a wall. Because your 'brother' needs it from me. He doesn't understand my sadness and he needs strength from somewhere. And really I think you'd be pissed that I was so upset. You'd tell me that I was being silly, and you'd tell me to take care of your boy. And that's what I'm gonna do. Tough it out no matter what. I'm not sorry that I have had such a deep love for you. You touched my heart and you'll never leave it, no matter how short of a time I knew you. You're the sweetest guy I've ever met, and a badass to boot. You'll always be in my thoughts. Live life 24-7 babe. <3

Dear Eric....

Your best friend died Friday. Not only your best friend, but your nearly lifelong friend, your brother, your birthday buddy, your roomate, your lifeline. I can't imagine it. And I'm sad. Sadder than I know you realize. You don't know why I'm sad. But I'm terribly sad.....broken-hearted that a guy like Joe is gone. I'm sad that I'll never see you two crazy boys wrestling drunk on the floor. Sad for so many ridiculous reasons like that. But you don't get it. And I don't expect you to. You're pain is different than mine. I'm not going to try to touch on yours. But mine is a pain that comes from meeting someone who lit up my life in the tiniest and brightest way. It's a pain that stems from knowing someone (even if it's only been for a year and a half) who loves life entirely, respects life, goes out and LIVES, only to die in a freak accident that is really still a dream to everyone. It affects me because I looked forward to seeing Joe as much as you when I came home. It affects me because I loved sitting around and just chatting with him, listening to him talk, in awe of how much he loved everything around him, no matter how tough life was at that moment. It hurts me. But like i said earlier, to Joe, wherever he is, I'm building a wall. A wall for this weekend....a wall for the next numerous months as you work through your pain. I just don't think you need my pain in there right now. I can tell you don't get it, and I don't want you to be pushed away. Joe would want you to get your ass in gear....to have a good time, to live life up to the fullest. And that's going to be hard. Hard and painful and LONG. But I hope with time, you will get better. And I hope I can help. And I hope Joe can help you. Reach out to you and give you some of his neverending love, neverending passion. That is, if he's not too busy jammin out in heaven. but I know he won't be. Not too busy for you. I don't know about your other friends, but you and Joe really were brothers. In basically every sense of the word. And I'll be there for you, to help in whatever way you'll let me. I love you. <3

Only the good die young. RIP Joe 7/25/86---11/8/08

:: 2008 11 November :: 7.12 am

Im overwhelmed. Brooke attempted suicide a few weeks ago. Joe just died in a car accident Friday night. I can't handle all this.

:: 2008 6 July :: 10.52 pm

I know this is weird....i've written in here quite often for me the past few days....but a) i feel bad for neglecting this home for my thoughts, and b) i REALLY need to occupy my time. Waiting is terrible. He kinda talked to me today though...on aim....he sent me an AMAXING picture of a phoenix tat that i really want to use....that was pretty much it, but at least he's making a dent in the silence barrier.....it's driving me crazy....it's so hard to give him this time when i all i want is to hear the sound of his voice, hear him say he loves me. I'm nervous....i dont want to lose him.

:: 2008 5 July :: 4.28 pm

Talk about a depressing month. and it's only the 5th day. Eric told me he needed a break. He said he doesn't know what he wants and he needs to just be alone and htink for awhile. From 350 miles away. And everyone knows that basically every couple that goes on a break, breaks up. It's like a little baby stepping stone. Another guy is sitting around trying to decide if i'm worth the wait. Why is it such a big decision??? He said i'm the greatest thing that's ever happened to him.......and yeah, it's harder than hell not sleeping next to him at night, not kissing him, not snuggling up to watch movies and be lazy, or get drunk and go for long walks.....but at some point, i just decided he was worth it. That what i found was worth suffering trhough a year of only seeing him a handful of times. I don't know what to do. I can't call him or talk to him now until he decides he's ready. I told him i'd give him time. Yet he comes on aim to tell me he's paid his half of the phone bill late....like i care. I felt like his business partner. i wanted to call him and just scream at him not to give up on me. But how pathetic is that.

I just feel like he's going to decide i'm not worth it. That he can't deal with waiting for me. And he'll go around getting drunk and fucking girls to get over it....and he'll love it. I know that's at least a little ridiculous, but i'm hurting and that's the image my fucked mind is giving me. I don't know what to do. I KNOW he's going through a tough time right now. He's left EVERYTHING he knew. And his roomates aren't home that often....so my guess is he comes home every night, either goes out or stays in and if he stays in he probably has a beer and just thinks aobut everything and misses me. That could be very conceited and selfish....but i know he overanalyzes everything just as much as i do. who knows. but i do hate this waiting game....i hate not being able to help him.

i could be more fucked up though.....one of my friends found out this guy she's been talking to and dating (although they never met in person so i don't consider truly dating) for like 3 months has lied to her about his entire life. He said he lives in Seattle, he's rich, he doesn't have a cell phone because he lost it, his name is brian, and he loves her. Really, he lives in marquette, couldn't give her his cell because it was an Mqt area code, isn't rich at all, is named MIKE, and was apparently doing part of this for a bet (but he really decided he liked her alot)......yikes.

ugh. thank god for alcohol......it's time to go get ready for another night of drinking myself into a nice fuzzy oblivion. thank god for friends who buy me bottles of tequila and then help me into bed.

:: 2008 3 July :: 10.39 am

god i hate this summer. My birthday was amazing....my house is amazing, europe was amazing....Eric found a great job in milwaukee...my jobs are great.....but i hate everything about this summer. 2 of my roomates are whiny bitches that don't pay utilities on time. I never see any of my friends becasue we have different schedules this summer. I can't go to the beach becasue it's cold up here. I only get to see Eric every few weeks for 2 days at a time. I constantly feel broke. It all sucks.

:: 2008 10 April :: 2.22 pm

I'm really getting quite terrible at writing in here. I guess i'm just too busy, and things are changing too fast for me to write it all down. At present, I have a house for the summer and next year.....not with Eric. He has yet to find a job, so we decided that it would be best for me to find somewhere to live so i wasn't stranded. On top of that, it looks like he will most likely head out to Arizona by his aunt and uncle. Weirdly enough, I am more comfortable with him going out there than going back to Illinois. I'm not sure why. But I do love his family out there (actually i love ALL of his family), and getting the chance to see them more often would be amazing. He would only be about 20 minutes from the airport (if he lives in the same town as them), so it would be easy for me to get there. He hasn't made the decision just yet for sure, so it may still change, but we'll see.

Back to my house, I'd like to brag. :-) I'll be living in a 4-bedroom house with 3 sort of friends (i know them, i've hung out with all of them, but we aren't super close, so i'm excited), paying 250 a month, and the house is HUGE. Probalby 3 times the size of the house i'm living in now. It's amazing. AND i get to bring my cats. I'm not sure they're going to enjoy the move, but i think they'll like it once they get used to it.

Europe is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CLOSE! The weeks are flying by and i can't wait....it's gonna be such a blast! I don't know how the PACKING of all my hsit iwll go, but I'm pretty good about light packing for trips like this.

10 DAYS till my birthday....i odn't think i need to say more on that haha. I"m excited and I have tons of friends to celebrate with :-)

Ahhhhhhhhh, i'm excited to be out of my old house too. Me and Brooke arne't very close anymore and I NEVER talk to Julian....it makes for a fairly depressing place....I like to smile and have fun, and the house is generally quiet. :-(

Okkkkkkkkkk.....I'm gonna go...I'll try to add more later....if i remember <3

:: 2008 26 February :: 2.13 pm

So once again i haven't written in forever. i guess i mean to write and then i just never get around to it. :-( oh well. Life is pretty much chaos at the moment. Classes are driving me NUTS.....i have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to do every week, i feel like i'm constantly drowning in homework. Pchem is KINDA fun though. It's hard as hell, but my friend Colleen ended up adding into the class, so we usually do homework and study together.....SOOOOOOOO helpful.

I have NO clue what's going on in terms of my living situation for this summer or next year. Eric really wants to stay here and get a place with me............but he has to find a job. And he can't really GET a job until April (for full-time) because he still has classes to finish up. So i won't know for sure until then. I've been doing some hunting anyway, looking at both 1 and 2-bedrooms that allow pets. It's kinda fun, but it's difficult to find places that allow pets.....but i'm determined.

I also don't know how my summer is going to go in terms of work. I"m for sure going to work in the dorms at least part-time, but then i have two different options for research that could keep me from doing full-time (which may ro may not mean i need a 2nd evening job). One of the research things is fully paid for 10 weeks, and the other i don't think is paid. Both would continue into the next eyar :-) BUT the one that's paid is application-based, whereas the unpaid one is guaranteed if i want it. So who knows. I wouldn't mind either one....getting paid would be sweet...but i don't think it would be as hands-on or nearly as much fun as the unpaid one.

One sweet note....me and Eric are flying to Arizona for a week on Friday! :-) His aunt lives down there, so we're gonna go stay with her for awhile. I'm SUPER excited. We're gonna hit up Dave and Buster's and pretty much just spend all day in the pool lol. Perfect spring break....plus i'll get to meet even more of his family, which is awesome.

AND only a few months till EUROPE for two weeks!!!!!!! YAY! I made my last payment last week, so that's exciting...i jsut want it to get here already haha.

ANNNNNND.................less than two months till my 21st birthday!!!!!!!! I can't wait for that! Obviously. We're plannign on holding a real wop-party at the house that weekend, and brooke plans on getting me wasted enough to not remember the bars....so that's gonna be a tad tough to fight...but it'll be fun...i've got plenty of people to celebrate with lol.

Alright...i SUPPOSE i should go do some homework....this weekend was full of pickup football and goin out to breakfast, so i did NOOOOO homework...bad idea....but i figure i just won't sleep this week and then i can relax all enxt week in AZ.

<3

:: 2008 7 January :: 10.59 pm

So I haven't posted anything of merit in quite some time.....not due to lack of stuff going on, but rather TOO much hahaha. I've been superbusy...and when i haven't been busy, i've been reveling in the relaxation. :-) I know i said it already, but Mexico was astounding....blew my mind, and made me realize just how scarily in love with Eric I am. I wasn't sure I could ever love anyone quite like this. It takes my breath away, and even when i want to yell at him or kill him, there's still a part of me smiling inside. Crazy i know.

New Years was a blast. I didn't have anything to do until 2 days before, and then it was Kelly's, Chicago with kath, out with Eric, or hang out with my mom. I almost hung out with my mom just for fun.....but she told me she'd be mad if i missed out on enjoying myself so i ended up going with Eric up to his friends' in Racine.....where we had a BLAST, end of story lol. It was great to see his friends Cam and Joe again. Those boys have treated me SO well ever since they met me and i'm forever grateful to them for that.

I don't care for my schedule next semester....there's too many boring little breaks.....AGAIN. I may change it a little....we'll see.

I still don't know where I'm living or who with. Allie's not coming back to Northern this semester, which is kinda good cuz i'm not sure if i could live with her again....so i could get a place with Megan and Katie......or me and Eric could get a place together.......we finally talked about it and what we want, which was kinda fun and scary at the same time. It's so up in the air......he has to find a job up here or the deal's off......and the thought of moving in with him is exciting and terrifying. Scary to be taking that next step....he said he wants it, which surprises me....since when is the GUY the big relationship person???....but i love it. We talked about what kind of place we would want......it just depends on us hashing it all out and more importantly, on him finding something to sustain him next year.... :-/

REally sad news, my sister just called me and told me Edward's Apple Orchard, probably my favorite slew of childhood memories, was nearly destroyed by the tornado the other night.....i guess most of the buildings are half-standing.....but one good note is that the majority of apple trees survived....I hope they reopen....that place is to good to let go.

K........need sleep....can't remember what else i wanted to talk about...

sweet dreams <3

:: 2007 22 December :: 8.18 pm

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Just got back from Mexico and it was AMAZING! I don't even have words to describe it all. It was well worth the wait. And well worth the research into the hotels.....ours was PERFECT, with a huge balcony looking right out onto the beach and ocean. <3 Words don't do it justice and neither do the pictures. It was better than i ever could have dreamed.

:: 2007 1 December :: 5.15 pm

YIKES! its COLD! hahaha, there's currently like 4 inches of snow on the ground, and we're supposed to get 8 to 12 more tonight!! I've already been out snowboarding once (the hill opened thursday) and unfortunately we haven't had a snow day yet (even though there have been 40 mph winds and gusting snow). :-) And tonight is Stephen Lynch which should be a blast!
I definitely needed thxgiving break....it was a welcome 4 relaxing days for sure. k.........too absentminded to type....later!

:: 2007 19 November :: 1.24 pm

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo overwhelmed right now. I still have a bunch of tests to take before i can leave for thnxgiving break and it's wearing me thin. :-( I just need a break. On a completely random note, there is a lady at the computer across from me (i'm using a library comp.) who has drawn in 4 inch thick eyebrows....no exaggeration. Slightly amusing.

Anyway, i'm just crabby and arguable right now. On top of all the tests, my car has recently cost me 700 dollars to fix its many issues. :-( YUCK. Too much stress for one fricken month. I'm gonna go study some more....i've got one test in 30 minutes. boo. :-(

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2007 12 November :: 2.30 pm

I'm in a very blah mood. Questioning everything for no real reason at all. I'm just so overwhelmed and it's making me feel like a failure. School, eric, home, friends, life in general. Ugh.

:: 2007 9 November :: 11.08 pm

I find myself thinking longingly back on last year.....when i was WASTED 4 days out of the week. We just always had something to do lol. Life was a blur, yes, but I ahve some of my FAVORITE memories from those times.......weird, huh? I wouldn't actually like to be wasted that much anymore.....I just miss the fun. Now everyone's starting to get bogged down with LIFE.....graduation and growing up and actually having to do good in school, instead of just scraping by. But I'm glad I got that whole YEAR of total slack fun drunk extravaganza....staying up late and watching the sun come up through hazy eyes....hahaha. And I obviously wouldn't be me without it. I find myself wondering too if my friends back home would consider me different. It's an interesting thought.

My sister yelled at me for not looking at grad schools back in illinois. She wants me to move back there after i finish here. And i just don't know if i iwant to do that. I would LOVE to move out to Colorado. Get away from everything I know and go see something new. For a girl who used to HATE change, I find myself occasionally embracing it. I don't know. It would be great to stay near my mom. And my sister and nephew. I know I for sure dont want to stay ANYWHERE too close to Marengo for sure. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I DONT KNOW. lol

Alright, i'm gonna go to bed i think....SUPER early for a fricken friday night, it's only 1130....but i've gotta go to biolife in the morning and study more....bleh.

NIGHT! <3

:: 2007 8 November :: 11.55 pm

Why do I get distracted so easily?? I had hours tonight to do homework, but i spent about a third of those hours reading....but i guess it's good for me. I'd rather be relaxed and a little stressed about homework, than have my homework done, but be all red-eyed and strung out.

Why is everything in life going so smoothly right now?? I'm half-expecting it all to just blow up in my face. And I don't think life gets better than this. Every time I really think about it, i'm just blown away. I have amazing friends......not really any back home anymore.....they never return calls, except maybe for kristen believe it or not. Bizarre turn of events there. But my friends up here rock my world. I don't know what i'd do without them. I'm in love with an amazing man who respects me and loves me back with the same intensity. I wish i could convey all my feelings about him into words. I hate that people still think down on him because of how much he used to drink. All of our friends know better.....but it makes me sad that the rest of the world doesn't see the guy we all see.
Next year scares me. Summer scares me. Hell, January scares me. It'll be a year. And I have to start looking for a place to live for May. Possibly with Eric. The thought excites and terrifies me. I'm scared of all the 'what-ifs'. Scared to trust in love. We've both approached it carefully, slowly. Looking into his eyes makes me happier than I've ever been. I think my dad would have loved him. My dad from we'll say the beginning of highschool. Would have loved his easy honesty and humor.

Complete change in topic, but I wish my dad would't have fought his failing health with anger. Then again i wish alot of things had been different. They weren't.

My head is a jumble of thoughts right now. Don't know why. It usually is though. I can never just focus in on one thing for very long. Plus, I'm probably afraid to talk about Eric for more than a few sentences.....I think i feel safer leaving those feeligns softly in my heart and whispered words to him. :-)

K......i'm gonna go try and sleep.

:: 2007 4 November :: 2.50 pm

SOOOOOOOOOO many good good things to talk about.....i don't even know where to start!!! (I'll attempt to go in chronologic order....keep it semi-straight) :-P

* We booked our trip!!! I"m SOOOOOOOO excited. Everything's all set, all the confirmations are in order and I can't WAIT!! :-)

*My camera bit the dust finally. One of my friends dropped it and now it doesn't do anything....luckily i was able to salvage my halloween pictures....and i talked to my mom and she's going to get me a new one for an early xmas present so i have a camera when we go toPV.

*I have an AMAZING schedule next semester. Monday and Wednesday I'm only in class for 2 hours!! :-D

*I took out my loan for the Europe trip this summer. 2 whole weeks in Europe with a bunch of friends i've had french with for 3 semesters now :-)

*Best thing of all........Eric said 'i love you'!!!! ahhhhhhh i'd start going into details but then i'd probably blab for 3 pages :-). Basically, we were just talking and he rolled over to me and just quietly said it. I said it back of course after a moment of surprise lol....and i couldn't be happier. It took forever for it to happen, but i know it's heartfelt and real. :-) We couldn't fall asleep that night (friday) because we just kept smiling and talking and playing. One of my favorite nights ever. I'm a lucky girl.

*All this other stuff is less exciting, but still interesting....at least to me. I'm somehow still in the honors program even though my GPA isn't quite up to par yet.

*I passed my last physics test with a B!!! Trust me, if you knew how much i hated that class, you'd understand.

*...i almost forgot this one but it's SUPER amazing....i get to start working with one of my professors this summer in his lab. He's badass too, supersmart old guy (probably 50ish) with a little gold earring in his ear and a great sense of humor. I can't wait to start doing research with him. It's a GREAT opportunity.

*hehehehe...this is little and mundane, but i'm excited about it. I finally went to the public library here and got a library card. :-D Now i have a whole world of books to enjoy whenever i please....and the library is GORGEous.

*ohhhhhhhhh i suppose that's all........now i'm off to eat and probably do more homework....my orgo grade sorta depends on it lol....but i love doing the work. :-)

:: 2007 21 October :: 7.38 pm

Life is good. Still. And it seems to always be getting better although it is stressful. Classes are goin good. Except physics...i hate the class as a whole and generally never go. Right now i have a c average, and if that's as bad as it gets, i'm ok with it. Things with Eric are going great. We're booking our trip to Puerto Vallarta on Tuesday! I'm beyond excited. Other interesting news....we were talking in the car and i was stressing about finding a place to live next year (because the house i'm living in now is being sold, and everyone else seems to have their situations figured out already).....and eric said if he's still up here......that we should think about getting a place. !!!!!!!!! WHAT!??!?! ERIC talking about getting a place together???? The guy who constantly says he doesn't think couples should live together before it's been a few years>???!?!?!?!? Talk about throwing a girl for a loop. And when i told Tricia about it, she said he's talked with her about it a few times already!!! Yikes, sometimes the boy confuses me. He did say 2 bedrooms when i asked though, which i like. We'd probably never use the 2nd one, but it'd still BE there, in case we got frustrated with each other, or if one of us really needed a good nights sleep or something. Just in case. Of course, i have NO clue if this is even possible to think of happening, because he still doesn't know what he's doing come May. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! He did apply to the one company up here, but they said he wouldn't hear from them for a few weeks.

And then i've got my own doubts as to what's going on with ME. I really wanted to graduate in 4 years......once i realized i COULD do it, i latched onto that idea. But i'm starting to think it's just not going to be possible. I've got work and a TON of hard classes to take. Plus, most of them overlap, so i wouldn't be able to take them in the same semester. ARGH. The extra semester would be good for my GPA too....let me really boost it up before i attempt to get into grad school. I just don't know. There are way too many variables right now. Every time i try sorting them out, i just get overwhelmed.

I'm soooooo sleepy. I didn't work out this weekend and it's really bogged me down. Plus my sleep cycle has been off lately so that's throwing me all out of whack. But i have a meeting to go to in an hour and then a little more homework.........bleh.

:: 2007 6 October :: 12.16 am

Talk about lazy....i've spent all day lying around doing nothing. But it just hasn't been a very good day, so i think i deserve the laziness. I think i bombed two tests/quizzes today, noone showed up for a meeting we were supposed to have, i couldn't sleep last night so i was Exhausted the whole morning, i'm getting a sinus infection, my computer wasn't working earlier, and i keep forgetting random little things. :-(

BUT! Other than ALL THAT, my day hasn't been so bad...like i said, i've been lying around all evening....eric brought me dinner, wouldn't even let me get up off teh couch cuz he knew i was feelin crummy and we've been reading and studying and having thumb wars and watching movies and doing crosswords. And i'm not tired at all anymore. It's been a great night. :-)

Life is still pretty damn good. I've sort of got my money straightened out, I may actually graduate in 4 years, and life is just good.

Super-excited because me and eric have picked out our vacation....5 days and 4 nights in Puerto Vallarta at an all-inclusive hotel with parasailing, maybe skydiving, snorkeling, a sunset dinner cruise, zip-line tours and waterfall repeling, and TONS of fuN for christmas break!!!! <3

I know this is way in the opposite direction, but i figure it's of mention if only for my personal psyche....we were watching saw 3 and when jigsaw is in the hospital bed with the brain swelling, it really reminded me of my dad....how weak and fragile he looked just lying there. :-( Definitely struck a chord....i didn't start crying or anything, but there was definitely emotion....just kind of weird. :-/

School's going ok....my chem classes are going really well, but French is DEFINITELY more difficult this semester. I just hope i do ok in all of them. I found a graduate school i absolutely LOVE (Colorado State), but i need a minimum 3.2 GPA to apply (unless of course i manage to do outstanding on my GRE). SOOOOOOOoooooooooooo we'll see.

I feel like a LOT of my life is hanging in the balance right now. Kinda feels like everything is going really good and it could all jsut crash down around me at any second. But i guess i have to enjoy what i've got while i've got it.

Well this entry isn't at least as giddy as the last few have been. More realistic. Conscious of all the stuff going on around me and how it could change everything in the next year or two. I already know for sure that next year is gonna be DRASTICALLY different. I just don't know how. there are so many variables. I guess its just a waiting game, which i hate because i'm impatient, but at the same time, i want to stop time in its tracks and just live in these moments forever.

I've been asking myself lately why i got so lucky here. Why everything is just GOOD with me. And i can't come up with a good SOLID answer. The closest thing i can come up with is that after all the shit i went through as a kid, i deserve this goodness now. Deserve a little bit of heaven on earth, because that's truly what i've been given here. The UP is just perfect.

Is it wrong to purposely ignore the next semester because of what it may bring?? the summer? Wrong to sit back and kind of edge around it......talk about individual plans and ideas but not bring each others into any of it??? and i'm not just talking about eric......me and tricia and me and brooke have been doing the same thing. It's like we all know it's coming and none of us want to admit to it and accept it just yet. We're happy to just live in this moment....these last few months of absolute bliss before it changes again.

:: 2007 13 September :: 8.00 pm

I've been productive....i finally cleaned my room really well....it DEFINITELY needed it...if i don't sweep every few days, there's a fine carpet of Tucker hair on my floor........ewwwww.

Now i'm procrastinating homework...as usual! I have two tests tomorrow, and i don't really intend on studying for either....one is for my chem class, which i know the stuff for...i'll go over some of it, but i've already been practicing problems...the other is physics and it's so easy i don't even go to class every day because i get bored, i only go twice a week (instead of 4 times). Other than that, there's MORE chem problems to work on. That test in a few weeks should be interesting, and i'll DEFINITELY study for it.

God, i'm happy. Sometimes i swear i just sound like a broken record. :-/ But i really am. K, i think my laundry is almost done, so i'm gonna go color for a bit, then grab my schtuff and head to tricia's for some studying/catch up time :-)

:: 2007 9 September :: 3.18 pm

I've got a pretty great thing going for me. Life. All of it. :-) I'm damn lucky.

Yes i'm swamped with work and homework. Yes, i have money issues. But other than those two little, though time-consuming things, I have THE life. Great friends, great family, great house, pretty great body, great bike to ride around the great town i live in. i wouldn't want it any other way. :-)

This weekend was a blast. Thursday, me and Eric went out to the casino....I walked out with 35 and he walked out with 65!!! :-D Friday night I had a party here at the house and got to see a bunch of our friends that i hadn't seen in AGES. Then last night we went CAMPING!!! :-D Went up to top of the world with 10 people and grilled and drank and sang songs (yea thats right we sang songs....) and told stories and played with Tucker and laughed until the early hours of the morning. Then it was out to breakfast once we packed up and home for naps...yeah i know....we're LAZY sometimes....but that's what Sundays are for! <3 Then it was to the PEIF to workout with tricia and now it's shower time and then unfortunately homework, but i don't really have THAT much to do tonight. So no big deal......maybe i'll even take a few minutes and color a little bit. :-)

<3

:: 2007 4 September :: 11.28 pm

I wish there was a way to just siphon all my thoughts from my brain onto computer without me having to type them all......yikes....i really AM busy.....to even contemplate that. :-P

I'm busier than all getout this semester. Between chem club, honors, work, class, friends, and Eric, i DEFINITELY have my work cut out for me! But i think i've got it FAIRLY situated already. Days are SUPER busy with class and work....but me and Eric have 3 days a week where we get together somewhere and study for a few hours each time. :-) It's relaxing and knowing he'll always be there motivates me to keep going, and the same for him. It's a great thing because is the semester of more homework than i know what to do with. SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! and so little time.

I see friends at night, or on the weekends. Me and Tricia have 3 days a week set aside to workout at the PEIF, which gives us time to catch up and see each other. I see Brooke fairly little for LIVING with her, but we manage to see each other a pretty decent amount. Those 3 are really my top people to see.....and i see them for an okay amount of time dealing with my schedule. AND i've even managed to get 7-9 hours of sleep a night so far!!! (not starting till 10 every day is NICE).

BUT>.....i have a quiz tomorrow and work, so i'm gonna go study a bit and hit the hay.

Night!! <3

:: 2007 26 August :: 10.05 pm

It's the night before classes start, and for whatever reason i feel the urge to update this. Although it will probably be short. And stutterish. I'm worn out from work and mentoring shit and getting ready for school.

Ooooooh, exciting news. My mom is getting a ton of money from my dad's life insurance...and she's giving me and my brother big chunks of it. She said she wants me to use most of it for school, but she wants me to take a bit of it and go on vacation with Eric. :-D I talked to him and he's all for it....so if we can work it out, i think we're gonna go to Australia sometime soon and snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef and maybe skydive! :-D We both want to have a more 'adventurous' vaca...not just sitting on a beach sipping margaritas. We'll see how that develops.

My room is a disaster. We all went camping Friday night and i haven't had time to unpack.......or do much of anything....my laundry is full, my books are in boxes, and i'm exhausted....AND i don't really have a brewak tomorrow.

Hmmmmmmmm...............yep. short.... and distracted. but i need sleep. bye.

:: 2007 5 August :: 11.09 pm

Alot's happened.....my dad died on July 26. and that's all i plan on saying on that.....not that i don't care (please trust me on that)....it's just that i haven't quite sorted out the litany of emotions coursing through my body and therefore do not feel the need to elaborate on a useless mess. It's screwed me up big time to say the least....and yet i feel like it hasn't affected me at all.

I've been trying to stay busy....which has helped a ton. That and not getting completely wasted. That has tended to bring on alcohol-induced breakdowns (thank god only at eric's, with few enough people that he could get me out of public and safe in his room). But I've been hanging out constantly with friends, and when i haven't been doing that, i've been cleaning, or planning stuff for school. The friends stuff has been amazing. Finally went out cliffjumping this summer....hahaha....for as much as i did it last summer, i figured i'd do it the same this summer....which hasn't been true. But we hiked out to dead river and jumped and swam around there for a few hours. :-) And there has been CONSTANT beaching and grilling. In the past three weeks, i think there are all of 2 days I wasn't at the beach. No exaggeration. I'm truly livin the life. I'm a certified beach bum, with a honed taste in steak and burgers...hahaha. :-D

I've gotten a TON of reading done this summer.....so much that it's ridiculous. I don't even want to try to count the number of books i've read. It's out of control...i figure about 2 a week for nearly the whole summer. And I still have a stack to go through (thanks to eric's mom).

Eric's birthday was AMAZING....the only hitch being that i twisted my ankle pretty bad after i took him out to dinner....we were just goofing off walking out to the parking lot.....but that didn't hold me back TOO much. The weekend was INSANE....his friend Joe came up, so i spent the days at the beach and then nights drinking and partying and grilling. It was such a blast....and Eric really had a good time....even in light of it being the year anniversary of his grandpa's death. I didn't end up telling him about my dad until after the weekend was over....i didn't want to spoil his fun by having him worry about how i was doing.....which he of course was upset with me for doing.....but i expected that.

I'm completely overwhelmed right now with money. As usual. However, i think i'm just working myself up over nothing, because i have a bunch of money (think over 300 dollars) that i haven't even accounted for in my budget. I just like being on top of things....and i think with everything going on (they're going to reevaluate my financial aid....which will give me MORE money), i'm just stressed out. I really need to chill out about that.

I'm getting excited for school to start. I've got alot of hard classes and alot of responsibility this semester, but i can't wait! Me and eric are working on our schedules right now to see when we can get together and study at starbucks. We're planning on 2 nights a week....which seems like alot i guess.....but it's really not at all for the amount of work he has to do and the difficulty of the courses i'm taking. Plus I'm gonna be helping tricia with her one math class, and directing the mentoring program, which means meeting with students all the time and setting up events/budgets. I want to tackle it all though. I think i've finally gotten my head on straight with EVERYTHING. School, work, boys, friends, money...ish..., and studying. I guess we'll see how it goes...i think it will be easier this year living offcampus to get some stuff done. No distractions around every corner!

Alright...i NEED to go to bed...i hate that when i sleep alone, it takes me forever to fall asleep, especially when i've got so much on my mind. I'm thankful every day for the little things like hugs before bed and whispered conversations till we fall asleep. The little things in life truly add up to be all the big things.

:: 2007 23 July :: 9.54 pm

Ugh...i'm so boreddddddddddddddd. I got back today and noone was home so i cleaned and showered and took a nap....now it's night and everyone's asleep...so other than the 3 hours of company i had with brooke and eric, i've been ridiculously bored all day....god what a shitty end to an even shittier weekend. :-(

I hate that i went home this weekend....it was completely pointless. The last time i was home, i said goodbye to my dad, figuring it was the last time i would see him alive. Went to see him on sunday......and hated every second of it. He was all drugged up because he kicked a nurse last week, so for the little while that he realized i was even THERE, he could barely open his eyes or talk to me. So much for a good ending, a good goodbye...when i left this time, he couldn't open his eyes or even talk....i don't even know if he knows we left. I'm just pissed. I wish i never would have gone home. Seeing my mom was good.....but the rest just sucked. And on top of that kelly was supposed to call me after she got off work and she never did, so i didn't even get to see her.

And now sitting here awake while the rest of my house is sleeping is just aggravating the hell out of me. :-( And my sunglasses broke.

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There's so much i still want to do this summer. Kayak along the lakefront, snorkel in the caves under presque, camp out at little presque, have sex in a waterfall......and noone seems to want to do anything anymore....everyone's tired...well except for that last want...hahaha.

I know i'm just overreacting because i'm so bored.....but i can't help it....i wanted to play today and noone else wanted to. :-(

I don't know...i'm hoping tomorrow me and tricia can go to the beach and have a reading day....and then tomorrow night i'm taking eric out for his birthday....hahahaha...i so sneakily wrapped his present. :-) He said he always guesses his presents, but his is a gift certificate to the golf course (he loves golfing, but he never has the money to go).....i put the certificate in a blank dvd box, which i then put in i hardcover book-sized box stuffed with tissue paper. He'll never guess! well i hope. and i made him a sweetass card. :-)

Other irritation....it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot up here. My thermometer right now at 1000 says 77 degrees. YUCK.

I think i'm gonna go wander the house for a few minutes....see if maybe by some offchance someone's awake....night night.

:: 2007 21 July :: 10.48 pm

6 months. Feels like the blink of an eye. :-) A very happy eye...hahaha. Thursday night Eric asked me if he could take me out on monday because he wanted to save some money back since his mom came up for the weekend....no big deal to me.......but then on friday i got home from work to flowers at the door with a note from him saying that he's had an amazing 6 months and that he would be picking me up for dinner at 7..... :-) I had no clue lol....he sneakily talked with brooke and tricia to figure out all the timing and everything. It was soooooooo sweet....and the place we went (Capers) was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. And then he took me out for ice cream at frosty treats (LOVE) and then we rented a few movies and vegged out cuddling. :-) The past 6 months have been amazing. Unbelievable. There have been bumps...i won't deny that. But at each one, we've tackled the issue face first and so far, we've always come out stronger and more together than before. I'm so thankful and grateful that he didn't go to North Carolina this summer.....so happy I got to spend this time growing and being with him. It's been nothing short of amazing. We've managed to not just exist in a relationship, but to teach each other and learn from each other.....emotionally, literally, sexually, and humor-wise. We can roll around in bed for hours and then debate our sides on issues like education for 3 hours.....weird...but I wouldn't have it any other way. I find it refreshing to be able to discuss anything with him...especially when it's 'adult' stuff like education and religion....fun to have to pick a side and defend myself intelligently.......instead of just discussing who's dating who or what we're doing this weekend.
Eric's also been amazing this summer due to everything that's been going on back home. He's been my rock. He's held me when i cried, made me laugh when i needed to, even put me in pajamas and tucked me into bed when i got wasted for the first time since everything happened and completely broke down (due to the lowered inhibitions that drunk gave me....i hadn't cried before that). There are alot of ifs coming up in the next year concerning us....and i'm nervous, but i think it will all turn out for the best.

As for the 'everything that's happened'.....my dad is dying...on his deathbed with a projected week to live. It's hit me in interesting ways. Especially since the past 10 or so years, i've spent actively hating him. But death changes things a little. I'm not saying i've completely forgiven him. Far from it. But i'm at ease with the situation. I've talked to him and we both understand each other and have come to terms with everything. It's not perfect, but life hardly ever is.

Alright.....this is shorter than it should be...MUCH shorter...but lately i just haven't felt the need to write out my life....i almost feel like seconds spent rehashing it on a keyboard are seconds i could be kissing or hugging or cooking or biking or walking the dog or laughing....always laughing....so i don't write as often. Makes sense if you think about it. At least to me. <3

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