:: 2006 7 June :: 2.21 pm

SWEET! I got off next Friday so me and Kel can either leave late thurs or early friday morning!! Soooo excited...miss him! Eric said he's gonna get a keg for Friday night! YAY! And that he's basically not letting me and kel pay for anything the whole weekend. And we're going cliffjumping even if it's only 60 degrees outside. The coldest I've ever jumped at was when it was 65 outside cuz it was early morning with the boys (andrew and ben)....that was definitely a wakeup call. lol. It will definitely be an experience for all of us, not just Kel! I'm convinced it's going to make Eric and any of the other guys who come with sterile. hahahahahaha. Gahhhhhhh i can't wait! I've been ok, but talking to him last night made me miss him like MAD. I want to hug him and see that goofy smile. :-D

My chem test got moved to tuesday! YAY! That's SOOOO good, because I didn't realize just how much fricken studying I'm gonna have to do for these damn tests. They're gonna be HARD. No multiple choice, 10 definitions, and like 50 problems. Ugh. I think I can do it no problem...it will just take a little bit of work on my part outside of class. However....i THINK i can get away with not buying the book...just use my old advanced chem book...same book, just different authors. Same concepts, different homework problems, which is fine cuz we don't actually have homework due! :-)

Blah....it's still 9 days away...can you tell how psyched i'm getting already?? damn. I think I'm so excited because even though i'm not sure exactly how the weekend will go, i do know some things, and OH those things are good. :-) I know that Kel's coming with me, I know that Eric can't wait to see me, I know, or have hopes on how things are gonna go between us, ;-) I know that more people will be up there that weekend (a bunch went home cuz it was memorial day wekeend last time), I know we're going cliffjumping, and I know I'll get to spend tons of time with this crazy guy who's got my head and heart all jumbled. :-D it will be a good weekend. hopefully, it will be a GREAT weekend, just like the last one.

K, i'll stop going on about it....hahaha. ok...no i won't. It's like flickin a switch. Talkin to him completely flipped me, and now I'm all out of it. I never thought I could miss talking to someone that much, but when i heard that kid's voice, it made my night. We talked the whole time I drove home and there was tons of laughter and joking and playful antics. I was however, INCREDIBLY jealous, cuz he was sippin a white russian the whole time.....YUM! He makes fun of me because I'm picky and always have them double vodka (it's how this guy steven gave me my first one, and I've loved it that way ever since). I told Eric I'm just too hardcore for him....lol. Oh yum....white russian...I've got the worst craving...i may have to make a steep investment and buy all the stuff to make some when i go up to mqt. It's the only way i can really drink vodka anymore anyways. We'll see.

Bah, ok, well now that my head is completely centered on next weekend....I think i may even get a little trashy...last time i stayed just tippy drunk. lol. But trashy sounds good right about now. Haven't been trashed in ages. Of course, trashed means a mean hangover....choices, choices. hahaha. Ok, well it's off to daydreaming about brown-eyed boys and the beach....i mean work. :-P

light a fire

:: 2006 7 June :: 12.24 am

he missed me. :-)

and he told his mom about me.

and he bought me something down there....but he won't tell me what it is.

and he spent 5.00 on a phone call just so he could tell me he missed talkin to me and to call him (he gets incoming calls but can't call out, and we both have verizon so its free for me to call him)

and when i told him me and kel were comin next weekend, he got excited...because he thought it was longer...and he misses me.

he missed talking to me...and i missed talking to him.

he hasn't stopped thinking about me, and its driving him nuts.

he saw all the little honeymooning couples on the beach, and all he could think of was me.

we're just friends..........but we're so much more...i think...i'm still afraid to get my hopes up.

i can't wait to see him.

9 days.

i told him he's not allowed to bring up the fact that after that, it will be 6 weeks. unless we figure something else out.

9 days. he can't wait. i can't wait. kelly can't wait to meet him.

nervous. scared. anxious. ecstatic. giggly. happy.

c.o.u.n.t.i.n.g d.o.w.n. t.h.e. s.e.c.o.n.d.s.

what to do??

so silly...still dont want a relationship....

we're already half in it....so confusing...but so right for right now....so afraid of hurting again.

9 days.

can't wait.

he missed me. and he can't stop thinking about me.

*grin*

light a fire

:: 2006 6 June :: 9.56 am

Argh.......my sunburn from mqt is finally peeling. :-( ewwww. But I suppose it could be worse...right now i'm just loading it up with lotion so hopefully it won't be too bad. :-P I'm supposed to be creating a summary of documents, but the way this thing is organized is damn near impossible! :-( It's all crazy crazy. lol. ugh...i'm tired...can you tell by the random order of the journal already?? teehee...i'll try to not be so scattered. I may try to get Kel to come with me to Puerto Vallarta over xmas break....cuz i don't tihnk the girls really want to go anymore :'-( Brooke wants to go with Jesse to cancun over spring break instead...which is fine...and I don't know if leah wants to pay that much. We'll see what happens...i really want to go!!!

Today's Agenda -
Don't fall asleep
work
eat
class
call people - eric, jill, kristen, brooke?
sleep....

wow....my days are pretty damn boring hahaha, i guess that's what i get for working so much. But I'm having a good time nonetheless. I still manage to find the time to see everyone...like me and alisha are hopefully gonna get together sometime before the end of summer just to catch up... :-) And I have to hang out with joseph again soon or he's not giving me back my ring! Allix is being super flaky...i think our friendship is on its way out the door. She came over to kel's one night and it was just awkward talking to her. She's got an entirely different group of friends and an entirely different group of goals and aspirations. And we seem to just clash or something now. Sad...especially because I think she's being silly (she's talking to jimmy again)(yes......talking to the guy who beats her......). So...we'll see what happens with that one.

Does anyone else notice how many "we'll see what happens" there are lately?? Cuz i have! But it's not really something i can change...E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. in my life right now is kinda up in the air. But that's ok...because I've finally learned to accept...and embrace, change. Because I've realized just how amazing of an impact a few small changes can have.

The only thing that makes me slightly sad was that my mom acknowledged just how attached I've become to Marquette. It made me sad that I'm not as attracted to Marengo anymore, that I don't HAVE to be. Made me sad for my mom, because I don't want her to feel like I've left her entirely....she's my mommy, and one of my closest friends (although sometimes I don't think she likes that friends tell each other everything...lol...i've gotten some hysterical reactions out of her as of late). She told me my heart is in Marquette right now...and home is where the heart is. And I think she's entirely right. My heart is stuck at the top of sugarloaf, in the chilling lake, at the edge of black rocks, at the balcony on Ohio St., in the tops of the million pine trees, in the winding roads and trails. It's there and it doesn't want to budge. I miss it like I SHOULD miss my 'home' i think. Marquette has shown me so many things. Or maybe it's the PLACE where I learned so many things. I've completely changed alot of my perceptions on life...and mqt hasn't necessarily fueled any of them. It's just been there. Bah...who knows, maybe I'm crazy. It's a possibility. I just know that a huge piece of my heart stays in marquette right now....when i'm there i feel whole and free.

Ok...back to reality and away from dreams of trees and mountains. hahaha. There is alot i love about being home home....there's amazing people down here too. Kel, Jill, marie, benj, joseph, my sister and fam, and my mom. (and others too...those are just some of the important ones) I dont' know...now I'm just all muddled....i think because I feel bad for being so strongly pulled up north.

k, different topic for a minute....hmmmm....let's see....well i'm back to nervous about going back up to marquette....hahahahah, how ridiculous is that!??!!?!? I know it's all cuz of eric too. argh. He's got me thrown for a thousand loops. I can't wait to talk to him though...i miss our conversations...and i want to hear how his trip is going! But...back to topic. I think i'm freaking out because I don't want to push any limits and I don't want him to, and I know things are gonna be a little different this time because Kel will be up there with us all. And brooke, but if anything, I think that will make it easier. I guess I'm nervous because I don't how the weekend will go (AGAIN!). I know it will go good...but other than that, it's all UP IN THE AIR....hahaha. I know i'm just gonna play it by ear...and it drives me NUTS that he can affect me so much....but the nerves are still there a bit.

Ok.........I HAVE to go get some work done now!

light a fire

:: 2006 6 June :: 7.19 am

Wheeeeeeee I'm exhausted. Stayed up late last night with Kelly cuz she was half-dying. :-( Luckily she's ok though...noone really knows what happened. Her aunt (who is an ER nurse) said she probably got a virus from something and that made everything nuts. But we had a good night...just kinda chilled out on the couch and watched movies. (except I went through all this trouble of renting movies and we ended up watching ones I already had!! (wedding date and coach carter)).
I say trouble renting because it was after closing at video town...luckily benj let me in! However, megan was in there, which was a little awkward...not for me, but just in general. I was fine with it, and ben seemed like he was ok...I talked to him a little bit, but it was more just small talk shit...she on the other hand wouldn't even meet my eye. I tried to catch it just to say hi to her...but she wouldn't have it...oh well, guess that's how it's gonna be?

I'm slightly sad...I tried to get this thing on ebay last night for Eric's birthday (a drumhead signed by all the members of metallica), but I lost it! and it was only like 45 dollars, but i entered my bid a SECOND too late. :-( Then again, I suppose it's a good thing cuz I don't know HOW i would have topped that gift. lol. Gotta start smaller i think. hahaha. Ooooo...super cute, he sent me a message on facebook yesterday! :-) Totally wasn't expecting that...but he got internet access for a bit, so he wrote me. I figure I'll give him a call tonight (he can receive calls but not call out)....I was gonna do it right away last night, so me and kel could both talk to him, but I gotta make him a little antsy....hahahaha.

Not much else is new.....I'm starting to work on a little collagey scrapbook thing. It's an 8x10 photo frame and I've picked out a bunch of pics of friends from school (the girls and jules mostly) to cut and organize in the frame. I'm hoping it turns out super cute. :-) Alright...I'm off, have to head to work...I may write more later...on what, I have no idea. But I don't have alot to do at the office today, so we'll see. :-)

light a fire

:: 2006 4 June :: 3.37 pm

Rawr...just got back from a weekend at my sisters...dang there's alot of emails after a few days! hahaha. I had alot of fun though...went to a parade and carnival and a cougars baseball game. It was a good time. :-) Oooo and Awesome news - we all worked things out for me and Kel to go up to Marquette father's day weekend! :-D I'm so excited. The boys are planning on getting a quarter barrel for either friday or saturday night which should be a ton of fun. :-) Except...I'm SUPER jealous...Eric is currently sitting on a beach in Cancun, sipping a margarita....argH! I wish that was me!!!!!! lol. Oh well. Hopefully by the end of this summer, I'll have enough extra money to book that trip to puerto vallarta...I just have to find people to come with! I don't know if the girls want to go anymore...they think it's too expensive...but i think 700 dollars for 5 days (with EVERYTHING - DRINKS, food, hotel, and flight) isn't bad. We'll see...hopefully it will still happen. :-\

I'm really concerned about ben. He was dating this girl named Sarah, who actually seemed to make him happy, and she seemed absolutely amazing....but now he's suddenly dating megan again. It worries me how much bouncing around he's doing, especially after he told me these girls don't 'hold a candle' to me....seems like all he's trying to do is force a replacement. I guess he seems happy with megan right now though (she left a cheery little comment on his myspace), which is the important thing, I just hope this time withher it lasts i guess. :-\

Ooooooo....Kel's parents are out of town this week so hopefully we're gonna get a girls night together and have some fun within the next few days. :-) Random thought - I've become quite accustomed to beer....yesterday at the game, I smelled beer (yes that's right) and immediately thought "beer kisses" (joke between me and eric) and of a nice cold glass of mgd. Lol. Is this a bad sign?? Hahahaa, at least I'm enjoying college...I know PLENTY of people who get drunker more often than me :-) teehee. Gah, i can't WAIT to go back up north!!!!!!!!!!!! Every day I'm away I miss it....my girls, the mountains, the beach, the crisp air, Eric a bit (but I try not to miss him too much...even for as close as we are right now, I don't want to PLAN on something happening this fall....I'm keeping my heart a fair distance away for now...it doesn't need to be crushed so soon...not that I think he would do that...but I keep it safe for now) :-) Marquette is just so GOOD for me, in EVERY sense of the word - physically, emotionally, spiritually, 'physically'...hehehe, friendship-wise, temper-wise (i only had one outburst the ENTIRE year), no more migraines!, and just so many other amazing benefits to being out of marengo and around amazing people. I've learned that all the harsh things people have said to me aren't necessarily true...I've learned to be ALOT less judgmental - I talk to pot-smoking hippies and straight laced catholics, I've tested my own limits, faced a THOUSAND obstacles, and I really think I chose the perfect place for me. 400 miles from a whole lot of pain and hurt to a place where I can not necessarily start over, but keep moving towards my goals, and HAPPILY. Because for the first time in a very long time, I can say I'm happy...really really happy. Even take Eric out of the equation (he adds to the happiness, but he's not integral). I'm happy with myself, my grades, my friends, my body, my heart, my mind, my entire LIFE. Not everything is PERFECT, but it's good enough for me.

Alright...this entry was pretty random...i think it's because I STILL have yet to catch up on sleep...maybe tonight?? I'm off to get some sun and then hit the trail for a run. :-) till next time folks.

light a fire

:: 2006 1 June :: 2.55 pm

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired. Argh. I feel like i'm never gonna catch up on sleep...however, after typing this and running to roselle quick, I may get to take a nap! YES! hahaha. So I'm SUPER excited. The Dells thing is kinda falling through....too much money, not enough people. Soooooooooo....MAYBE (things have to all go smooth) me and Kel may head up to Marquette for the weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D And to top it off, brooke may head up that weekend too! Which would make me EVER so happy. I don't want to get my hopes too high (Eric has to be there, his parents might go up that weekend which means no parties at his place...or as much time with him, me and Kel have to figure out times and such, and not piss kristen off). But on the plus side, I left a bunch of my chem stuff in the storage unit taht i'd be able to pick up! :-)

Me and Eric talked about everything last night for an hour or so. I'm really happy because he's still on the exact same page I am. I told him that even though ALOT happened last weekend, I don't think we should let it change our 'relationship' right now. Theoretically that makes me look like a whore, but everyone who needs to care knows better. They all laughed at me and brooke and lorne both said they should have put their bets on summer. lol. I basically said that we obviously care about each other a ton, but that doesn't change the fact that we are 400 miles apart. So for now it stays as is...with a little change. When I go up there, we're not really gonna bother with the 'friends' thing. Everyone up there KNEW what was going on, and anyone who didn't would have just assumed we were together. We were close to each other, cuddly, kissy, and he'd throw his arm around me and pretty much constantly be in contact with me if we could. So for us to try and deny our closeness would be ridiculous and we'd get more laughs from all our friends. Yea, this means we both look like random hookups....but like i said, the important people know the situation (and approve of it) and the rest don't really matter. I'm really happy with the situation...or at least what we're doing about it. There's still no strings (although I guess there kidna are...like neither one of us is gonna go randomly hook up with people for kicks) and we're not obligated to each other in any way...yet we still choose to talk often and have a good time. I wouldn't have this summer any other way. It's been a great growing experience already and I think it's giving me and Eric a chance to really build up a friendship that will last even if a relationship never comes of all this. :-)

K, must go run docs to roselle. Boo.

light a fire

:: 2006 30 May :: 1.09 pm

So apparently my goal of looking amazing friday night worked wonders...cuz DAMN that night was the start of an AMAZING weekend!!!!! Everything started friday night...everybody over at Eric's waited till I got there to start drinking (i felt special). When I got there, we went on a quick booze run and then started the festivities. After the booze run but before the party actually started, I finally got a chance alone with Eric and got to give him a huge hug....definitely one of the best hugs ever. lol We hung out at Eric's for awhile, went next door to another party to hang out for awhile, I talked with one of Eric's neighbors, Dana, who I absolute LOVE...we always drunk-talk whenever we're both out on the balcony...she's such a blast! Me and Eric had a conversation in the kitchen that pretty much changed the entire weekend. He gave me reasons that were much more deep-seated and personal for why things hadn't gone as far as they could have before the end of the semester. Basically, he was afraid I'd see ben when i went home and get back with him....and Eric didn't want to fuck that up if it was going to happen. The convo ended with him one-arm lifting me up onto the kitchen counter and giving me the kiss I'd wanted since I'd hugged him...hahaha. The night continued. We all got drunk, but by the end of the night (1ish maybe?? i think that's when danielle crashed and everyone else left) we were all winding down...noone got trashy, which was nice. Me and Eric ended up crashing probably around 3 and got up around 9. We lazed around a bit, made food, took in empties, got more food for the weekend, and then gathered up tim, craig, and maggie for some Dead River cliffjumping!!!! The hike up there was INSANE (about a mile or so of steep hills, extreme tree root climbing, and slippery cliffs), but the views were STUNNING. I was the first one of the falls we jumped at (i literally walked to the edge, turned around and double-checked with tim that he'd never touched bottom, and jumped!)...it apparently impressed the crap out of the boys, especially Eric..i guess not being entirely scared of everything wins me kudos. :-) After we all jumped once, things went a little crappy though....Craig did a backwards dive and cracked his head open on a rock. This involved us being able to literally see a hole in his head, him being taken out by a pickup to the ambulance, me, eric, and tim half-sprinting the crazy mile hike back without killing ourselves, and a few hours in the emergency room. Luckily though, Craig is ok (12 staples and 6 stiches inside his head)...concussion, but no back or neck injuries, thank god! Saturday night consisted of more drinking and good times. I got a thumbs up from Nick (one of my supervisors at the MP and a good friend of Eric's) about me and Eric, which I greatly love...knowing his friends completely approve of and love me is a plus. hahaha. Sunday morning we got up and Eric made eggs (they were ever-so-yummy) and then me and him had a complete chill day. We laid on the couches and read our books, took little catnaps, grilled out for lunch, ran to walmart to get goodies for monday, went down to the beach together for a few hours, I think it took an hour to get all the sand off of us in the shower, played monopoly (he kicked my ass!!!), and crashed fairly early (sometime around midnight). I really loved sunday because I realized just how much fun I can have with him, even when it's not sexual or partyish (we literally both sprawled out on couches and read our own books in complete peace and happiness for a few hours). Monday, however, was definitely the best day though. We collectively (me, eric, danielle, and tim) planned an amazing memorial day! First things first...I climbed sugarloaf at sunrise!!!!! It was AMAZING! and I saw my friend Paul up there surpisingly enough. I didn't drag Eric with me. He would have gone if I'd really asked, but I told him I wanted this one for myself. And it was STUNNING....one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen by far. Afterwards, I just came back and crawled right back up next to him for a few more hours of sleep. lol. Eventually, though, me and Eric got up, ran to The Spot for ice, packed a cooler full of beer, brats, burgers, pop, and icees, a backpack with towels, cameras, and a football, and a stereo. After we grabbed danielle and tim (danielle brought more blankets and supplied said icees, tim brought the GRILL!!!), we headed out to Presque and met yet another MP supervisor and friend, Jeremy, out at black rocks. me and Eric were the only ones who did any cliffjumping, but hey, they don't know what they're missing! lol. We grilled the brats and burgers, got a little buzzed, threw the football around a little (it was CRAZY difficult on the rocks), and had a GREAT time. We helped two young guys gather the courage to do their first jump and I got a zillion sweet kisses. After we left black rocks, we decided to continue the great day, so we grabbed MORE beer and headed to the sandy beach!!! I pretty much stopped anything but sips off Eric's beer at this point...I had to drive home!! Jeremy ended up leaving, but me, danielle, eric, and tim played football on the beach and dove in and out of the water (anymore than a minute in the lake and your legs started to go numb, no exaggeration!) for a few hours. We headed back to Eric's incredibly red with smiles that went on for days. Me and Danielle played a couple of card games while the boys cleaned up and then they started drinkin a bit more (monday night tradition lol). Eventually i slowly dragged myself out to the car...definitely did not want to leave marquette...or eric. It was really really hard to say goodbye...especially after everything that went on this weekend. I didn't want to let go of his hug, but eventually I got in the car and drove off. I won't lie...as I was leaving the city, i definitely cried....and laughed....I'll miss the mountains and the lake and the river, and the view, and the delicious brats that those boys make, and of course, possibly most of all, the guy who made this weekend one of the best I've ever had and could have hoped for deep deep down.

Our relationship definitely grew in every way possible this weekend. I honestly don't think it's even possible for it to have grown more. Of course, the fact that we're now this much closer makes the situation even more screwy, because I won't see him for so long now. :-\ But if I could go back, I would do it EXACTLY the same way...from that first memorable night to the last. I wouldn't change a single instant. We didn't talk about where we're going from here...but that's alright...it would have dampened the weekend, and I like that I left happy, if not bewildered...hahaha. We're gonna figure out the literal stuff this week. No matter what though, I won't regret anything we've done together. The times I've spent with him, in every sense of the word, have blown me away. I've never felt more respected, more cared for in all the little ways, more friends than i did this weekend. Even if a long-term thing never happens, we'll keep our friendship, and remember everything, and it will hopefully be amazing no matter the final outcome. :-) K, now I'm content, and you as the reader are probably super confused or bored...lol...back to work for me!

light a fire

:: 2006 25 May :: 11.26 pm

Hooray for payday.....7 hour drives in T-minus 12 hours.....an extra day in Marquette because I found out I don't have to work Memorial Day and neither does Eric.....cliffdiving!.....hot new swimsuit....great friends....a beautiful weekend!?....thunderstorms on saturday (just a little?)........sugarloaf mountain....lower harbor (its runtime bitches!)....the beach.....a clean room....sex toys....(hahaha had to sneak that one in there for no reason whatsoever...except that me and Kel REALLY need to go shopping).....KITTENS.....MUSIC on said 7 hour drive....yeah...that's all I've got for the moment....till tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

light a fire

:: 2006 24 May :: 10.18 am

This week is basically going SPECTACULARLY!!!! :-D Marquette is only 2 days away...the Dells is in 3 weeks, Ben seems to be really really happy right now, I may get to go cliffjumping this weekend, I didn't have to go to work yesterday, it's been GREAT weather for biking/running, my hair is all fixed!!!, and I think I get paid tomorrow! :-D hooray! hahaha. Life seriously could not be much better right now, unless I could see all the girls sooner!

Hrmmm, lets see...Ben has a new girlfriend, which rocks, because it seems like she already makes him a hell of alot happier than megan did. I'm incredibly happy for him, his voice was all light and cheery when I talked with him on the phone yesterday. It was an amazing change! And already it feels like there's a little less tension when we talk online...much lighter and easygoing. :-D

I 100000% cannot wait for marquette this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. There's gonna be a party Saturday night, which will be a blast, because it will be a bunch of people from the MP, we're hopefully gonna go cliffdiving at Dead River, there's gonna be a whole bunch of grilling out, and of course, Sugarloaf at sunrise! :-) The only thing I'm still nervous about is actually seeing Eric...lol..i have NO idea how the weekend will go with him, but no matter what happens, I KNOW i'm gonna have a blast. (Well unless it like pours the whole weekend...which it's not supposed to) So far noone thinks the whole 'friends' thing is gonna be upheld...but I actually think it will. I doubt we'll even sleep together. And surprisingly, I don't really have a problem with that. If we DO, I don't think I'd MIND.....lol. But I'm in love with this friends thing. It's so easygoing and I feel like I can do whatever I want...I was a little freaked out about going up to the Dells, because there are going to be quite a few tasty guys up there and I wanted to have a little fun...but I didn't wanna be the first one to actually use me n eric's 'no strings attached' idea. Hahaha, he did! :-) He made out with one of our friends while he was drunk at a party last week. Now this should bug me right?? Nope. I'm really not that bothered by it at all. It's quite liberating, and it doesn't change my feelings for him one bit. :-D

So now I'm obviously REALLY looking forward to the Dells...alcohol and gorgeous boys. hahaha. :-) I think if Matty's up for some no strings attached fun, I may have to take him up on that offer ;-)...if not for the attraction, then just for the principle of the whole thing. There's always the GORGEOUS JD as well. I really can't wait to go, though...we're getting a huge lodge at Great Wolf for two nights and just havin a blast. Only problem is, i wish there were MORE boys going...but I suppose it's a good thing...I've gotta control myself a bit. hahaha. Then again, if this weekend goes interestingly enough, I may kick back in the Dells and not do anything. I guess we'll see what happens.

I completely adore my freedom right now. I feel like I'm on top of the world. Me and Eric are building a great friendship, he usually calls every night as he's walkin home from nick's (and as of late, he hasn't been drinkin, so there are actual sober convos! hahahahaha). I'm glad things are going the way they are. Kel started seeing Gabe about the same time me and Eric started hanging out, but the two of them decided to do the actual 'relationship' thing. They're only about 2 hours (ISU??) apart, but they have been doing SOOO much fighting! I don't know why it makes such a difference, but NOT being in a "relationship" makes me and Eric's relationship (friendship) that much better. There's no suspicion, no 'ohmygod you didn't call me when you said you would', no ties, nothing keeping us from being comfy and easy with each other. I LOVE it...and I'm SOOO glad we did it this way, even though it's hard on both our ends. We've had quite a few convos on our feelings, but we're just gonna have to wait to see where they go in fall.

And besides things going well with Eric, things with Ben are getting better surprisingly, and I basically love my body right now....lol. I know it's conceited, but I'm loving the definition on my stomach, and just the fun I'm having running and biking. I don't know what caused this sudden urge to run/bike so much...I'm certainly glad boys aren't affecting it. Their REACTIONS are nice...hahaha, but they have no say anymore...i took my fucking self-confidence back. :-P The only sad part is that I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get out the rest of this week before the sun goes down (I'm staying later so I can leave earlier on Friday). If not, I'll just have to go on a run down at lower harbor or something...that would be AMAZING!

Alright, I'm gonna go get some work done....heehee...needed a break from legal jargon for 15 minutes~! <3

light a fire

:: 2006 22 May :: 1.42 pm

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo.........i feel like i've been hit by a bus. I think I'm getting sick. I'm all zombie-ish today, sluggish and dragging...and i got plenty of sleep last night. :-( This blows. I CANNOT be sick this weekend. So basically instead of running tonight, I'm sleeping....GAY. lol. I want to run! But....my body's health takes precedence over its wants. Kristi's fixing my hair later tonight...she's doin me special...I love her so much!!! hahaha...i have to get this hair of mine fixed...allix managed to screw it up good. lol...hopefully it won't be too bad though to fix. The layers are just uneven.
I miss my girls...I talked to leah last night and brooke today....and I miss them SOOOOOOO much. Brooke said she was craving hpnotiq yesterday and thought of me...that made me laugh (it's what we drank a bottle of the sunday night before finals week...lol)! Oooo, I think it's all gonna work out for us to go up there in July though. I was a little worried that someone wouldn't be able to do it or something, but so far, its in action! I can't wait for that! Not seeing them for so long makes me horribly horribly sad.
In other news, nothing much is new. Things with ben are still pretty shitty, and I just have a feeling they will be for a long time still. :-( But there's not much I can do about it, so I just deal. Allix is being a flake again...big surprise. Oh well....what can ya do?? :-P Work is good and friends are good and boys are good and life is good. That's basically it. :-) There's a little bit of shit here and there...but life's not perfect..so i'll take it as it comes! lol...later!

light a fire

:: 2006 21 May :: 11.30 pm

Argh...so I just figured out that after next weekend, I don't think I'm gonna see Eric for 9 weeks. :-( I'm not going up there in June anymore (there's a whole bunch of us going to the dells that weekend) and the weekend the 4 of girls are meeting up there, he's coming to illinois for a concert. :-( So i won't see him till July 28, when I'm hopefully bringin kris, kel, and allix up with me. :-\ Basically next weekend is the only chance I'll have to see him alone before school starts. Yikes. That's a long fuckin time, and that sucks. Well...if we just stay friends, it doesn't suck, but for anything else, it blows. I guess we'll see what happens. There's not really anything I can do. And if it does go badly, or we just decide to stay friends, I think I may delve back into my highschool habits a bit....just kinda make out with whoever. :-D Have a little bit of single fun, lol. NOt quite whoreish though...just take the chance if the chance arises. Now I just have to stop liking Eric...then i could take advantage of said fun already. hahaha, too bad that won't happen anytime soon that i perceive. Unless he becomes insta-asshole this weekend, which I would NEVER see happening. He's too good of a guy. K, enough about boys. The rest of life is going ok. Summer is starting to finally pick up speed, thank god. Hopefully it will be a blast. I've had some good damn times already. :-) I have a feeling I'm going to be exhausted once my class starts in two weeks...I'm NOT looking forward to that. But who knows....maybe it won't be TOO bad??? One can hope. Alright, i'm sleepy...i was waiting for brookie to call me, but i need to get some sleep! night everyone.

light a fire

:: 2006 20 May :: 8.45 pm

DAMN, i feel on top of the world...I have half of marengo flirting with me, I weighed myself today and found out i weigh 10 pounds less than when i started college, and I just bought a HOT swimsuit! :-D Someone better knock me down soon....I can't believe how sexy i feel! lol. Work is going swell...I really really love the drive, gives me time to crank music and think, and actual work flies by every day!!! MARQUETTE IS IN...........6 DAYS!!!!!!!!!! I'm SOOOO excited...Eric said we're grilling out every single meal....lol...but I said I was wakin his ass up at 5am sunday to climb sugarloaf with me to watch the sunrise.... :-P And, I just got back from a 9 mile bike ride with kel, and I ran a mile and a half (hey i gotta start somewhere) yesterday!!!! I feel SOOO fuckin good! a little sore...but damn, I can so handle this. All the attention is flattering too....makes me feel way good about myself...and i'm gettin all hotted up for next weekend...we may just be friends, but I plan on making Eric wish it was fall. :-) teehee. Ok, wlel i'm goin out with kristen...so i gotta fly shes here!!
ahhhh!

light a fire

:: 2006 18 May :: 1.20 pm

Being back home is interesting. I have learned a whole lot of stuff from the last month or so of life that has gone on in Marengo or with people from here. It is also interesting that I can keep my entire life hidden from Marengo if I want to...noone here that goes to NMU knows me well enough....and noone up there talks to my friends really.
And I just found out that as soon as I finish my work for the day I'm done...so I'm going to go do it and get out early!!! (while still being paid....muahahahah, i like my job!)

light a fire

:: 2006 16 May :: 1.57 am

I find this interesting - almost none of my friends at school know who kelly is....yet I've spent more time with her so far at home than anyone else, and I love it. Hrmmmm.....backwards, huh? Anyways, we ended up gettin together and watchin Rumor Has It...HYSTErICAL movie. Saw benj at video town...that was awkward. But at least now I've SEEN him...hopefully it will get less awkward over the summer?? Although if I continue seeing him as often, I guess it won't matter much, cuz it's the first time I've seen him since I've been home. :-\
I guess I'll see what happens.

Ended up talking with Eric and Kel (put eric on speakerphone) for like an hour over by kel's. He was a little drunk, so we made sure he got back ok to his place and Kel was jokingly asking him his intentions with me and whatnot. It was pretty funny, and also interesting to see that his answers and thoughts didn't change between sober state and drunk state. Except now I definitely want to bring Kel up so they can meet each other...I plan on hopefully taking her with when I go up with Allix...except Allix will probably end up bailing like usual. But I think Kel would appreciate the trip more and I'd probably have a blast with her...and hopefully by June the weather will be nice enough to hit up black rocks and do a little swimming??? hahaha, a little hypothermia never hurt anyone. Alright, well I really need to get to bed....have to get up early because work is so darn far away...lol. But it's only 3 months right?? :-P

light a fire

:: 2006 15 May :: 12.07 am

What a crazy world. :-) Went for a run tonight with Kel and talked with Brookie!!! :-D K, first brooke, lol. It was so great talking to her (and I've talked to leah and brooke recently too)...I miss everyone, but it's less so now that i've talked with everybody. We figured out that HOPEFULLY we're ALL gonna meet in Marquette the weekend of July 7th. Which I cannot WAIT for now!!! :-D We got on the topic of Eric too...they talked about me a bit on the ride home....he really really likes me...fuckin summer. I kinda wish circumstances had been different and we'd started hanging out earlier, not had to deal with this distance so soon, been able to hang out more and get to know each other better. But I guess the timing worked well. We were both in a place where we COULD hang out with other people, have a little fun. I can't wait to see him...I think the first 3 minutes will tell me whether it's just been a rebound thing....I don't think it has.

And as for me and Kel's run...well, it was more walking and talking than running...but still felt good to just get out and go. And she's good to talk with...I think we both get equal talk time lol. :-) And it was good to just throw my thoughts out there and get some thoughts back on them...about Eric, about life, about work, about friends....i Loved it.

Alright, I know this fairly lame and short, but I have to get to bed...got work in the AM. :-) nigh tnight.

light a fire

:: 2006 13 May :: 4.37 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA, so my night turned out interestingly different from what I even could have DREAMED! Matt (as in Kristen's older brother that all of us (her friends) have crushed on since we were like 12) was ALL over me! That boy danced with me like i USED to dance...DAMN. I guess I grew up pretty nice lol. He told Kristen he wanted to kiss me, and oh damn, it almost made me wish things weren't going so well with Eric..cuz Matt.....DAMN. However, even though I have free reign to do what I want, I still couldn't. A) If I had started, I probably wouldn't have stopped, and at some point, I would have made it difficult for Eric not to see me as a sleazy whore B) I don't think I could date Matty...I call him MattY. I've known him for so long...I just don't know...it would be weird. C) We'd never DATE anyway...maybe random hookups at the frat...but no relationship and D) he has too much of an anger problem for me....way too much. BUt damn...last one I promise...to have MATT, who I've been attracted to for so long, chase after ME!!!?? Yeah..I feel pretty damn good about myself right now. INCREDIBLY sexy. Matt was the one guy we could never touch cuz he was older and way above us....damn...that's all there is to say about that. The night ended well...we ended up crashing in matt and JD's room - they pulled out the couch for us and made us up a sweet bed. I walked out of there feeling amazing...(except for my right cheek...JD dropped a bowl on my head when I was in the bed).....no regrets, no hangover, just a damn fine night.

:-D

light a fire

:: 2006 12 May :: 12.46 am

Woohooo!!!! party tomorrow night downtown! hooray! hahaha...I am online too much. this is my second? entry of the day! I usually only do that when im super depressed! Anyways, party at Kristen's tomorrow night downtown with Marie and Kel. Allix was supposed to come, but big surprise, she doesn't care. :-\ I'm excited for the party cuz I want to see Kristen's place and kick back and have a few, but I don't intend on getting trashy. I don't know or trust any of the boys who will be there (we're gonna be at matt's frat)....and I don't want to do anything stupid. :-) Just have a good time and party it up a bit. :-D

Hung out with Kel (and Allix for a bit) tonight. That was a ton of fun. Kelly just got home today, so we decided we were going to kidnap Allix after work and hang out/have an impromptu girls night. We ended up sitting at Allix's kitchen table, which was fine, but then at 10 (we got there between 8 and 830), she kicked us out (literally) so she could go see Joseph. :-( She's seen him every day for the past month and a half...and spent the entire day with him today! :-( Me and Kel ended up driving out to LITH to get some cheese fries and a shake from steaknshake. It was a good time to just chill out and catch up on everything.

Me and her are kinda in the same guy situation right now (with the new, not the old...there she's months ahead of me). Her and Mike (her ex) are good friends again...but they had to completely cut each other out of the others life for awhile to get there. I really don't want to do that with Ben. :-\ Argh....I guess I'll just go with what I've got for now and see what happens. I haven't really talked to him in the past few days, which has been crappy but ok at the same time. I just hate not knowing how he's doing. I hope he's doing good, getting better, enjoying life. All that jazz.

Every time I clean up a part of my room, the whole thing seems to get messier and messier. Especially my bed. But I've almost located all my clothes and put them all away. It's definitely taken some work....they were in a bunch of different places (bags, boxes, and my duffel...i have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much underwear!!!!!) I have to figure out what to wear tomorrow night to the frat....I don't want to look too sleazy...but I want to at least look cute! :-) We'll see what I can come up with....I'm fairly creative these days with clothes and such...Leah's had a decent impact on me finally. lol.

Alright, well I'm gonna try and get some sleep...rest up before tomorrow night!!! :-) night night

light a fire

:: 2006 11 May :: 3.56 pm

I'm online too much here! Oh well, once monday comes, I'll probably never be online :-( Anyways...I suppose not much is new...I just felt like writing. I'm still freaking out a bit about Eric. We literally have no strings attached (except for our feelings for each other). I can go make out with other guys, he can go make out with other girls. However, I doubt I'll be doing much of that because I think I'd feel incredibly weird. And he said he's not one for random hookups either. It's just incredibly bizarre to me I suppose. My feelings for him are getting in the way if you will of what I really need right now...and that's nothing. I don't need a relationship, especially a long-distance one, I don't need someone breathing down my neck about where I go and what I do. I don't want to be a girlfriend right now, but I don't want to be a whore either, which is why I don't plan on goin out and making out with every hot guy I meet lol. I'm probably thinking too much about this. I think after the first time I go up there and visit, things will go much smoother for the rest of summer (hopefully). And I'll have my earrings! hahaha.

Allix cut my hair a bit...and I think it's uneven...So now I have to go see if Kristi can't fix it for me! :-( but i absolutely ADORE the color...makes my eyes pop lol.

K, well since its so rainy/crappy, i think its time for unpacking/nap??? Rain is good nap weather, I just wish I had a nap buddy, other than my cats! :-P *muah*

light a fire

:: 2006 10 May :: 8.21 pm

I love the smell of fresh honeysuckle in the air...it makes me happy. I got super restless yesterday and ended up burning half a tank of gas driving around. It feels so good outside...went for a 2 hour bike ride today. :-) I would have rather driven like yesterday, but I didn't really want to waste the gas, and a bike ride felt oh so good on my muscles. My ass kinda hurts though..lol...I hate riding after not doing it for awhile...i'll be sore tomorrow :-P I'm fairly content still with marengo, besides being a little restless. I think I just hate that I'm not constantly in motion here....up at school, there was always something to do, even when i was relaxing. Right now I don't really have anything I need to get done. It's odd to me. And I don't entirely like it. But after this week, I won't really get this sort of break, so I'm trying to enjoy it to the fullest. Bike rides and such :-D I miss Marquette already though. Riding the back roads just isn't the same with cornfields instead of beaches and mountains. I cannot wait to go up to Marquette to visit!!! Hopefully (MAYBE) going up in....2 more weekends. See Eric and hopefully climb sugarloaf at sunrise?? We'll see. He has my favorite earrings...i left them at his apartment.. :-( So the sooner I go up there, the sooner i GET THEM!!! :-)

I think my mom actually likes that I drink more now, even thought she threatened to send me to AA...lol. Everytime she cracks a beer, she always offers me some, or one of my own (more often one of my own). :-) It's really cute...though i REALLY HATE some of the beer she brings home...i miss my labatts and mgd!!!


So I've talked to like 6 people from nmu, and all of us are STILL living out of boxes...noone wants to unpacK! hahahha. that makes me giggle.

This journal entry is turning random...i have to pee...be right back.

Ok...hmmm, my body is still in ok condition. I slacked off a little towards the end of the year, but I still look pretty damn amazing. And with the plan I have for the summer, I'm hoping to look even better. It's sweet getting all the compliments I've gotten....which is ridiculously vain, but it's a nice change.

My room is INSANELY warm...I can't handle it. I need to get a fan up here, pronto. Well as soon as I'm done writing.

I'm SLOWLY but surely changing my room....baby steps...maybe it will be done by July lol. Actually once I get my door fixed (apparently my frame is some retarded height and has to be professionally done or I risk screwing myself over), things should go easier...not as much junk lying on the floor, and by then I'll be unpacked (I've STARTEd....but there are alot of boxes) and have gotten rid of alot of extra shit in my room (1 garbage bag full already). I'll probalby do alot of cleaning tonight...I'm in that mood. lol. Plus, I'm gettitng up with my mom at 4 just to talk for awhile (she came in tonight and has to leave at 6), so maybe i'll just stay up all night. Late night cruise??? oooooo...maybe.

I think i MAY have lost one of my scholarships....it's a close call if not. All my grades were fine except my one honors class...damn it. I learned nothing in there that I didn't already know. :-( such a waste of time. but i adore honors....the people, the opportunities. It's a toss-up.

Ooo, me and Allix are going tanning again tomorrow...! I love the FEELING of tanning...the nice warmth and the relaxation. Plus, I'm white as a ghost. I think I'm gonna have to start occasionally tanning up north....I hate being so damn white. Plus, I feel tons more attractive if I have a little color... I've got a lotion with self-tanner in it...that's my other winter savior.

"lets do it like they do on the discovery channel"...that song is on right now.

Like i said, it's a random sort of entry...sorrY!

I miss my girls. Our nights of just chillin on the couch and talking about nothing. Laughing and sharing lives as the sun went down and the hours crept by. :-\ Only 3 months, right?? lol

Miss Eric too. It's a weird sort of missing though. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. I don't want to become too attached to him, because he may just end up as a friend. But at the same time, I like him. Alot. Talked to him yesterday for a bit and it was....good. I don't know...talking to him is comfortable and relaxed. I was considering not going up there so early yet, but he told me I should definitely come up (which I think I see as a good sign). But I don't really know how to act from here on out. Because we ARE kinda in limbo. I don't want a tied-down relationship...I can't handle that right now. I'm not ready to give him my heart yet. I've smartened up and I don't want to hurt anymore. So I don't know what to do...

Freshman year flew by so fast. It makes me sad that 1/4 (though I may stay an extra semester) of school is DONE. Gone, can't have it back. I regret nothing from the entire year though. I wish I would have enjoyed things more, but I think the last month I really milked for all the memories I could. It's how I hope to do the whole rest of my time there. Enjoy everything to the fullest, take life as it comes, don't worry about tomorrow. (and yeah, i know im freaking out about eric, so I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite...I'll take my own advice then and just enjoy the time and times i've had with him and take the relationship as it comes, friends or more).

I hope things eventually get better with ben too. It makes me sad that things have turned out how they have, but I guess it's the best that can be expected. I moved forward if not on, quickly and he hasn't. We're not on the same page, and I think until we are, we can't have the type of friendship I hope we gain someday. And I don't know what to do from here, other than small talk, because the last thing I want to do is fight about it. :-\

Ok, well I still have a bunch of stuff to do (shower, clean my room some more, change my sheets, feed some kittens, maybe a late night cruise to unwind :-P), so I'm gonna head out...much kudos to anyone who read this entire thing. lol...night folks

light a fire

:: 2006 9 May :: 12.58 pm

So I've been home for....3 days now....I've seen some of my friends, rebuilt a closet, fought with ben...again and realized that we may actually just have to stop talking, started unpacking, missed marquette a little bit, and smiled a whole ton. On today's agenda is replacing my door and maybe finally unpacking some stuff/CLEANING. My room is a MESS because of the closet (half of it collapsed and then we decided to just replace the whole thing, so there are still clothes and hangers EVERYWHERE.) I really want to get painting though...I think I know the colors I want...and if I end up hating them, well...I only live in this room from now on for like 3 months tops at a time...I can handle it.
I anxiously await the rest of my grades. I have a strong feeling that I'm probably going to lose one of my scholarships.... :-( But honors was just not nice to me this semester. The latin american class fucked me over...the teacher was scatterbrained, and I learned nothing. But I talked to Robbie and if I do drop below a 3.0 that's alright, I just have to move in a forward direction next semester. So that's completely awesome. :-) I just freak about my loss of 3000 dollars....but it just means I'll be repaying my loans for a few extra years....
And now I'm uber-distracted...SOooooooooooooo I'm gonna go take my door off...wish me luck!

light a fire

:: 2006 5 May :: 12.45 pm

Gah...I cannot stand this bittersweet symphony (harharhar, play on song titles...). Eric, Brooke, Brooke, and Leah ended up leaving yesterday. That really sucked. I think I gave Eric 2 zillion kisses before he climbed into Brooke's truck, and even then, I leapt through the drivers side WINDOW to kiss him some more. :-D I'm excited because I think I've figured out 4 weekends to come up to Marquette for sure....
May 26
June 16
July 7
July 28
:-D I could easily make time for more...but we'll go with that for now...I still have Shanghai to figure (probably the weekend of August 6), and I do want to spend some weekends home with everyone there. :-) However, June 16, I'm bringing allix up with me, even if she argues...I'll throw her in the trunk. :-D I want someone close to see the insane beauty (and appreciate it)...and if things go well with Eric, I want to see if I get friend approval :-P. Ok, a little more sadness, but then I will talk about the happy. Today is sad....I'm all alone except for the boys, until my mom and brother get here. It gives me WAY too much time to miss the girls and Eric. :-( I'm doing pretty good so far I think. Just this sort of detached pain, the thought of not seeing the people I've LIVED with for so long. I'm gonna miss Ben&Jerry's jokes, our couch, nightly slumber parties in one of our three rooms, the PEIF, all of our silly jokes, the heartfelt conversations, me and Leah waking up the house at 4am with our talking and laughing, our house in general, EVERYTHING about eric (our monday nights (even though we only got 5 of them), his sweet sweet kisses, the way he looks at me when I'm talking and doesn't look away, oh those eyes, our amazing conversations, just him in his entirety), my RA Adam who is sadly graduating, some of my professors, honors. Ok, this is leading into EVERYTHING i'm going to miss...lol. I basically had to get off the topic of Eric cuz then I get distracted. Like I said a million times before, everything right now is bittersweet. It's hard to leave and watch leave the people you've lived with, slept with, who know you with a strange perception, because you've had to see them at all hours of the day, in a billion different conditions. And for as much as I don't like to or want to, I wonder what next year will bring. Leah living on-campus or off? Me and Eric? My friendships from this whole year? Classes? Friendships back home? So many questions...and no answers. So for now, I just kick back, and try to enjoy everything as it comes. God knows I've enjoyed my last few weeks here...and now for wednesday night's story...teehee.

I won't lie...I was nervous as shit. I found out Brooke and Crystal weren't going....which meant it would be me and a bunch of Eric's friends, which generally is fine, but I was looking forward to having one of MY friends there when I talked to Tricia, just in case things went bad. Which they didn't. We grabbed a beer when she got there, went out on the balcony, ended up retreating to the back balcony because Eric's neighbors were on the balcony, and we talked. There wasn't really much to say that we didn't already subconciously KNOW...I think it was more the simple act of us separating ourselves from everyone else, face to face, and talking to each other. It was really really good. She told me they would always be friends...I told her I had NO problem with that whatsoever...I really hope they remain close...I think it's important. She gave me a little advice on Ben...told me it WILL get better, but it took her and Eric over 3 months(which it might here as I'm pissed as shit at the moment about that...but nothing on that till after I get home...my personal decision). So with that out of the way, we went in and had a good time. :-) We had a quarter barrel (83 beers, Eric figured it out) between 8 of us - Me, Eric, Tricia, Mike, Danielle, Derek, Wayne, Stephanie, Jason, Gracie (jason and gracie had their own alcohol). At first I had no intentions of getting anything more than buzzed. But then I started to have a good time. I relaxed and decided it was safe to get a little plastered. :-) Eric made a new house rule for his apartment...if you spill any beer, you do a kegstand (or beerbong, or whatever). Yeah...I definitely had to do three. :-P The first one was nervewracking....I was super freaked that I would fuck it up...but it was INCREDIBLY easy for me. The 2nd was one sucked at the end though, because the beer had gotten COLD (we put the keg on ice) and it HURT ALOT when I stood upright. Basically the night just rocked. At one point, all the girls were in the bathroom taking turns peeing...that was hysterical, because the boys kept trying to figure out what the hell we were doing. Eric was excited because me, him, and Tricia all got a picture of me and Tricia, arms around each other and smiling. Who woulda thought??? :-D I'm glad things turned out the way they did. Me and Tricia drunkenly joked that when we miss our guys we're gonna meet in Crystal Lake and get some food. I doubt we will....but it was fun to discuss. Oh...by the way...I used to get better at darts as I got drunker...nix that idea....and stay 20 feet away from me if I have a dart in my hand! I hit the wall and the floor for the most part! A FEW managed to get ON the board though...hahaha. The worst part of the night would DEFINITELY be cracking my head on the couch. I just went and flopped onto it without realizing that the back cushions weren't on. :-( However, I think the best part of the night was crashing on the floor with Eric at like 1230...that's usually when we START drinking!!! It did suck cuz his bed obviously wasn't up there and we were both trashed off our asses, but it was nice to spend that last night with him. Waking up the next morning wasn't so pleasant...we were both hungover, it was 730 in the morning (the girls were takin me out to breakfast for one last time), and my headache was the size of Africa. And it sucked to leave....but Eric did come back to the dorms later in the afternoon (hence me jumping through Brooke's truck's window). But damn....GOOD NIGHT....excellent way to end the year. I wish the girls had been there...but then I'm not sure if things would have gone as easily with Tricia (and her friend Danielle...the boys like me already for the most part). Alright...now I'm off for a shower....have to take up time till my mom gets here!!!!!!!!!!

light a fire

:: 2006 1 May :: 1.12 am

Dear benj~

I'm writing in here, because if i write TO you I won't say everything, and if I write in here, MY SAFE PLACE, I can say it all, with a small chance that you may someday read it.
I don't know what to do with you. I hate feeling like I have moved on...or maybe not even on, but forward, because I know that hurts you. I do love you, damnit, I hate myself for that. I hate that I still love someone who has caused so many scars. But at the same time, there have been times when being around you has made me the happiest woman in the whole wide world. And I think the good times DO outnumber the bad. Alot. But now I have to cope. Cope with the loss of you. Because even if we still talk, still love each other, there is a loss. A loss of commitment, a loss of some of that insane love, a loss of trust, a loss of belief. I believed in you, believed in us. And it brought me a whole lot of pain. And I know this sucks to hear, and I know it will hurt you deeply, but my behavior towards you reminds me of my actions with my forgive and forget father. He would yell at me, scream at me, make me cry or worse, and I would slink away to my room to wonder why I wasn't good enough. The next day, he'd treat everything as fine, and life would continue as normal, with me thinking everything was good and I was back in his good graces. I followed this because it was how I'd learned how to react.

Now with you.....everytime we fought, each time you broke up with me, I'd hang around, desperate for your approval again, desperate to be back with you, and when you took me back, I said I wanted to work on everything, but it seemed to go right back to 'normal.'
This time, I'm not hanging around. My mom pointed that out. She said you're more hurt by this because I'm not under your thumb right now. You have no control over what i do or say. You can't tell me not to go out and drink and have a good time with the guys. You can't tell me to stay away from the boys. You can't tell me not to drink at all. You basically have no effect on my life anymore, other than if i get self-destructive. And my mom thinks that, coupled with the loss of my immediate love, is killing you. She may be wrong. I don't know your inner thoughts.
However, I do know my own. And every day, I feel like I grow right now in some way. I discover something about myself that I either hate, or love, or neither at all. Just something new...some little connection, or habit that I've never noticed before. And in the past 5 weeks or however long it's been, I've discovered so many new things about myself. This has been like a huge stepping stone for me. I'm at a level where I see things alot more clearly and I understand how much my past relates to my future. I'm learning to cope with myself instead of hiding it.

I couldn't tell you if it was you or eric or school or the girls that have made this change. I think it may have just been the crazy timeline. Everything connected in just the right way.

I hate that the events have severely fucked things up between me and you. That we now seem to have this detached sort of existence between us. I hate it. It breaks me up inside and makes me feel all torn. But other than coming up to NMU, I have ALWAYS tried to put your happiness above my own. I figured that if I did that, then MAYBE I would get your unconditional love, unconditional trust. But now it's time for me to finally put my own happiness first. And really in my doing so, it hasn't really changed me, except that I am really happy. Heck, I know you still didn't trust me going out to parties up here, drinking around guys, even after 2 whole new year's have passed, but benj, i've been out to what, probably 8-10 parties in the past couple of weeks??? And ever since me and eric started hanging out, my lips have not touched another boys AT ALL...yeah, in MN, I made out with my gay friend jackson....but that was FUN and I feel no need to regret that at all...he was gay, it was like kissin leah!! And I realized that for all the mistrust you put in me that I would go out and whore it up, OR that I wasn't strong enough to hold my own against a handful of drunk ass boys who wanted me, YOU WERE WRONG.

I tell the other boys to back off, I'm not for taking. And I continue to have my fun. TONS OF FUN. Kickin it with my girls and my guys and my guy. Yeah, I get frisky, yeah I danced on the pole in jessi's basement one night for kicks when most everyone had left....but everyone knows, I'm just here to have a good time, not hook up. And I wish you'd seen that....through new years. Seen that I intimidate almost everyone I meet and that when I'm even semi-taken, noone's going to change my feelings. Because that's what I wanted from you..wanted that unconditional guarantee. And you couldn't give it to me, for whatever reason...maybe like my mom said, you just like having me under your thumb.

I'm not going to apologize for what I'm writing tonight. My thoughts are freer, more composed right now...i'm buzzing...less so than a few hours ago, but still a little. You're getting all the thoughts, head on. Youre just going to have to deal with that or stop reading. I'm not stopping. This has to come out of me sometime, and this is my place, not yours.

I do still love you. I hate myself for that sometimes, hate that I love someone who couldn't fully trust me (or 'everyone around me') and hate that I wasn't good enough to wait on. But I don’t hate you for it. I told you I would understand if you ever needed to do that, and I’ve tried to. I cried, I wrote, I cried some more, and really thought about it. Talked to everyone I knew that would listen about it. And then at some point during the week, I really started to believe that I didn’t HAVE to hurt so bad. That I could be strong and just as amazing without some guy. As for Eric, think of him what you will, I won’t go into it. This isn’t about him. So I basically realized that I wasn’t a bad person, or untrustworthy, or ugly, or stupid, or crazy. I was damn hot, cute to boot, smart as a whip, and an amazing person for the most part. And I took my small solace in that and wrapped it up tight to keep close. Took all my pain, all my tears, all my hurt, cried it out, and then let it loose to the sky. I wanted to not hurt, so I did. It was a conscious effort…but with the help of my amazing friends and family, I think I did ok. And I AM doing ok. I recognize my hurt, my pain, and I accept it, but I do not let it affect my happiness right now. Sometimes I dwell on it, and I wish for you back…but wishing gets me nowhere. I have reality to deal with. And the reality is that I don’t have you anymore, and you don’t have me. I’m not under your thumb or scrutiny, because I’ve chosen not to be. I’m not a weak little kid anymore. I’ve seen just how well I can be treated, and I eat that up. At the same time, I’m learning how to deal with everything on my own. I’m not tied to anyone….I can step away any time I like just because it’s what I need. And I love that. It’s just what I need right now, and everyone accepts and understands that. And now I have to go to bed, because I have finals in the morning. I love you benj, but right now, that’s clearly not enough. Goodnight and talk to you soon.

-caity

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:: 2006 29 April :: 3.12 pm

Another good night last night! :-) Started with dinner with the girls...the only crappy part was that our food resembled rubber more than pasta. After dinner we were gonna head out and go bowling.....but there were way too many people, so we just headed back to the rooms. We decided we were gonna take our lofts down, so after changing, me and brooke started demolishing my loft, and soon after brooke and leah started on hers. Crystal and Eric came over to help out, and once we'd finished with our room, me, Eric, Brooke, and Crystal headed up to Crystal's room to do her loft. Brooke and Leah went to play tennis...hahaha. :-) Eric got some beer (hahahahahaha) and we had a few sips (me, him, n Brooke) as we took down the loft. Hahaha, my mom is gonna kill me...I'm enjoying college too much...lol. After the lofts were done, Brooke let me and Eric take her truck and we went and got food and....I learned how to drive STICK!!!! :-D I did pretty damn good too. After only about 10 minutes of driving around the parking lot, he let me drive back to campus (maybe 6 or 7 blocks only ....but STILL!!!). I did stall at the intersection, but other than that, I did pretty damn good...Eric even said he was impressed, and that's why he let me drive back to campus. :-) When we got back in, Eric went down to the basement to play poker with a bunch of the guys, and I headed up to the room, where we (all of the girls) had a heartfelt, frustrating talk about how different things have seemed after spring break. Not the greatest of talks, but it ended well enough. At like 130, eric came back up and we all just hung out in brooke's room and talked and goofed around for awhile. Hahaha.....we all took a shot of tequila....we were emptying out my fridge and had to get rid of it! Oh dear...i AM an alky nowadays! hahaha.....that's alright...we're all having a good time! :-) Eventually, after MORE pictures, and oh, some of them will definitely be posted on webshots and myspace...lol, everyone slowly trickled off to bed. It was fun cuz our mattresses in our room were on the floor, so it felt like were camping :-) Me and eric decided we're prolly not gonna have sex before the end of the year....after talking about for awhile, we agreed that it would just bring us tons closer and make summer alot harder...so for as hard as it is, for now, we're just gonna buckle down and behave. Then this morning, Leah's stepdad came to take the lofts (he was a day earlY!)...he opened our door (me n eric were up, but still dozing off and on) and shouted, "leah??" I thought it was julian, so i yelled, "jules, what are you doing?? its 10 am, GO AWAY!" Will proceeded to say that he was who he was, and i embarrassedly told him leah was next door.....lol.

Not an incredibly eventful evening, but tons and tons of fun. K, now its off to post some pix and then work! later kids

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:: 2006 26 April :: 3.17 pm

Ugh...need a bit more procrastination before i finish all the homework I've come here (the LRC) to do. Holy hell the year is closing fast...only 2 more days of classes. Gah..that makes me sick to think about it....I think mostly because I still have no idea what me and eric are doing...we're either gonna talk tonight (if i finish before midnight) or tomorrow about it. I just don't know about that kid. He's thrown me for a loop in the way he treats me. He amazes me almost every day with something...always. But at the same time, it's not a super-serious relationship type of thing. We have so much fun together, and I can talk to him for hours on end without running out of things to say. And EVERYONE I've talked to tells me that he really is all he's cracked up to be. Truthful and open and honest and goofy and truly a sweetheart, even though he seems like a bit of a badass. Who knows where it will go...i guess we'll see. At least I'm having fun with him for now. Like monday morning, he tried to drag me back into bed and we ended up wrestling....until i cracked my head on the corner of the bed...hahaha. Goofy...nonchalant, with a whole lot of feeling without being all mushy and sickening about it. :-) I like it. I just hate that it may be a very short-lived thing. But if that's how it goes, then at least I know the feelings were real, the times were real, and we can still be good friends. :-)
Another downside to the week is the amount of homework i have to finish. Ugh...double Ugh. That's what i'm currently procrastinating. 2 papers, a whole bunch of posts and studying for finals...all while still trying to see eric a little bit. It's driving me crazy...and actually I'm really distracted with thinking about the papers and eric (what to do, what to do, what to do) that I'm just gonna stop writing and go try to work on the papers...cuz this all probably makes no sense.. later

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:: 2006 24 April :: 10.06 am

Hmmm so I wrote last night...but I didn't write about the end of the weekend! My party was EXCELLENT...Brooke always throws good ones hahaha. I met a TON of new people....gah, let's see, Casper and Dibs, my two favorite new boys, even though I will probably not see them ever again lol, Jim, who was a sweetheart, Tim, who was a little creepy, Monica, who is AMAZING, Sam, who happens to live in Eric's town...and further reassured me that yeah, he is as amazing as he seems, Lindsey, Drew's girlfriend, who skiied in the olympics this year!!, and morgan, lindsey's friend. There were more...but they slip my mind at the moment.
I ended up pretty drunk by the end of the night. But I remember MOST of everything so that's good! hahaha...actually I have this gash on my back (2 inches long?)...I remember GETTING it...I even asked brooke to tell me if I was bleeding....but I don't remember HOW I got it. I think I may have scraped the bar as I stood up at one point. :-\ Me and Brooke ended up closing out the party...we always do! We took care of Peter, who was sick as a dog, and then stumbled our way back to the dorms...thank god Jessi's is only like a 10 minute walk.
The next morning was even alright....I think I may have still been a little drunk when I got up...but I wasn't incredibly hungover like I expected. I think the drinking is pretty much done for the year now though...everyone has studying and such to get done...I certainly won't say for sure...but I'm pretty sure drunken reverie is done for now.
I'm so excited for the end of the year...but it's so bittersweet. I don't want to leave my friends up here, or the gorgeous landscape. I feel like I'm finally into the swing of NMU and Marquette, and now I have to pack up and leave it for 4 months. :-( Yeah, I'm excited to see everyone back home....but this has become a second home. Oh well...at least I'll be up here every few weeks! I think there's something like 8 weekends I can come up here. I've already got plans to come up a couple of them with brooke, I'm bringing allix up here for one at least, maybe bring kristen up for one, and I plan on coming up at least once on my own. :-) I've got plenty of places to stay, too. Eric gets to move into his apartment on tuesday, my Honors mentor Erin is staying in her house this summer, and Jessi's house is always open if I get the key from brooke! :-D So that's the plan for the summer....work, come up to marquette, play! oooo and then after summer, I think it's time for another tattoo...Damn I've been feeling the itch for that...I already know what it's going to be...a little panda bear. And at first i was thinking on my butt ;-) but now I think I may get it on the inside of my other ankle. I dont know yet...I figure I've got all summer to decide. :-) Alright...I know there was more I wanted to talk about, but I'm half-concentrating on chem...so I'm gonna go do that for awhile!

light a fire

:: 2006 24 April :: 1.47 am

Ok, so i should totally be in bed right now, but I had to write....
Ben just wrote in a myspace blog and to me that he is ok. Which probably makes me the happiest girl alive right now. I've been pissed at him, cried over him, seen all the bad, seen all the good, but at the end of the day, I still love him and for him to be ok, and on his way to happiness is better than i could describe with words. When I read his blog, I almost cried...not tears of sadness, but happy happy tears. To be honest, our friendship of late has been strained feeling. I've been going out alot and having fun and he hasn't seemed as happy. And ya know, I'll admit that some of my going out probably had to with me trying to drown the pain. The past week or so I've more grown to accept it and acknowledge that it will just be there for a very long time...i just can't let it destroy me. But anyway. Back to benj. It made me a little sad that he suddenly considered himself someone else's protector. But you know what? right now...i think that's ok. I can be on my own...and he deserves to be the protector to someone he can touch. He almost made it sound like he never wants to get back together with me, and that's ok too. His feelings, his life, just as long as he's happy, I can watch the sun set in peace. Now I just hope some of the tension in our conversations will slowly start to ease up. I miss talking to him like a best friend....I can't completely cuz I'd talk about Eric more, but with everything else, I miss our goofy talks and little stories. And I want to see that happy ben, the one who's usually there, but only really pokes his head out once in awhile...and then it's amazing. Alright...I'm starting to ramble (ben now sounds like a turtle)....but I really wanted to get this intense strong feeling out. Gah, I just can't help but love him with all my heart....which is why I think the fact that megan fell asleep on him makes me so happy. I want to see him happy and smiling, even if (though it sucks) thats not with me. Ok....well night.

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:: 2006 22 April :: 2.30 pm

I realize I haven't posted on here in awhile....well only like 3 days or so...but still. I've been puttin alot of stuff up on myspace. My birthday was fricken amazing this year. 19 sure isn't much in the way of ages, but it has been SPECTACULAR to me so far! I was honestly concerned that my birthday wouldn't be that important....that everyone would just kinda rub it off and forget about it. Ha...yeah right...i have some pretty amazing people in my life!
Wed night was a BEAUTIFUL night, so I went and sat outside to read and chill. Ended up watching the sunset and then Leah came out to sit with me. We talked for awhile and eventually Eric came out too after he got out of the shower (he'd been playing football with his friends in the courtyard). We hung out there for probably an hour or so before the temperature really started to drop so we all headed inside to the warmth. We all just chilled in the room for awhile, talking about how Kelly (Brooke's older sister who lives in the apartments) just found out her roomate is gay......hahaha. She was freaking out. Eventually everyone left but me and Eric (they wanted to watch movies down in Brooke's room). Me and Eric just stayed in and chilled on the couch (talked for awhile and he let me give him a back massage). Me and that kid have some damn good conversations. We're both on the same page with most stuff, which is really nice. So after that great night, I decided to skip my two honors classes (hadn't skipped all YEAR) and took a sweet nap. hahaha. Eventually got up, chilled with brooklyn and then went to lab. After I got back, I went straight to brooke's room (i usually do) and her and crystal kept trying to kick me out into my room :-( I pretended to be hurt. lol. They finally managed to get rid of me, and I got to see why! When I opened my door, there was a bottle of wine and a card on my desk! :-D Both were from Eric (!!! talk about impressive...he not only remembered my fave wine, but he actually put the pre-thought into it to get it way ahead of time and to brooke so she could sneak it in to my room!!) and the card said he wanted to take me out to dinner that night! We ended up walking down to the pasta shop (it was a beautiful evening so walking definitely was the best idea!) and then we went walking all around marquette. Went down to lower harbor and just chilled on one of the benches for awhile. (YAY!!! i even got pictures!!) After we got back (we walked for over two hours (AND he even took me to this bookstore he thought i'd like....i loved it!!!)), we both took some time to ourselves and hung out with our own friends for a few hours (for me this involved over an hour on the phone because EVERYONE kept calling to wish me happy birthday!!!). That night I went over there to watch desert heat (some really cheesy van Damme movie) with him and his roomate (and his roomate's gf). The two of them eventually left to go to her room to go to bed and we finished watching the movie. After that we talked for a bit and then decided it was DEFINITELy time to crash...we were both exhausted from the walk!! lol. It was a good night, but dang, I hate the sound of both of our phone alarms together...it sounds like an atomic bomb...and at 530 in the am, it's not the most pleasant noise (i had to work...he got to fall right back asleep!).
So now we're at.......friday? yeah. ok...lol...ADD. Yesterday was kinda a blahish day...it was nice out, but semi-crappy and I couldn't concentrate on my homework. Eric came over at like 830 to relax before the casino...he also ended up having a few beers...lol. He came in and said hi to me and then said he was gonna go grab some from brooke...which is exactly what he did. And he wouldn't let me have any!!!! lol...i got the bottle away from him at one point and he wrestled it right back. We got to the Wright Place (where the casino shuttle was picking us up) and hung out with everyone (11 of us) from the MP, sippin on beer and double shots until it got there. Needless to say, Eric and the rest of the boys had a good buzz going for the casino...me and the girls were pretty normal...lol. The night was SOOO much fun. I played on the slots for awhile (got up 20 bucks), then decided I was gonna hang at the table and ended up playin there for the rest of the night. Ended up walking out of there with 60 (went in with 20)...minus 2 for a miller Bryan got me :-) However, UNLIKE ERIC hahaha, I'm nice and made it community beer amongst the girls. After we got back (2 am-ish), me, brooke, eric, and crystal went out to pancake house for some breakfast and then everyone went home and died. Good weekend so far. VERY good weekend. My wallet is happy (I don't even have much booze to buy tonight cuz I've still got a third of a bottle of El Toro), I'm happy (though kinda sad cuz eric (as of right now) isn't gonna be at jessie's), and everyone around me is happy. It's a GREAT weekend. And I think things are even pretty good between me and benj. Our conversations aren't the most exciting thing right now, but hopefully over time, they will get better. I think it's just kind of awkward right now...and it probably will be for awhile. I don't know...we'll see. I just hope he finds happiness....everyone deserves to be happy. :-) Alright...enought procrastination...now I'm daydreaming about the whole weekend and all the good stuff...and looking forward to tonight!!! but i have to go get some more homework done!!! *MUAH*!!! (to everyone on earth today) :-) adios

light a fire

:: 2006 18 April :: 12.58 am

omg...awesome night...but enough about that (hahaha, its for a different entry). The day was ok...i didn't really want to work because i was EXHAUSTED...I think I'm overtired from just not getting enough sleep at all the past few weeks. But HOPEFULLY (yeah, right) I'll get some more sleep the last 3.

There was one more sad part to the day...eric isn't gonna come over to jessie's for my birthday party this weekend. He didn't get kicked out of school for the writeup...but any more infractions whatsoever and he's suspended....so he's not only stopping the drinking for the last 3 weeks of school, but he's not even going to hang out with people drinking (hence...no party). At first, I was basically crushed...but I'm proud of him for taking such a drastic step. I'm impressed that he really cares about being here...yeah, he gets into a lot of little things that add up...but hey, he's having a blast and now he knows its time to tone it down for a bit.

Ok...well it's been a great night...and so i am going to bed...sweet dreams everyone.

light a fire

:: 2006 17 April :: 10.32 am

3 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot wait! And then a party over at jessie's on either friday or sat. :-) And i get 19 birthday kisses :-D And I get to take pictures (i kinda fixed my camera...and there are requests to see more pictures of certain people...my friends back home can't get enough!). And hopefully I'll get to go playing with rainbows :-D YAY! There are finally two things dampening my mood SLIGHTLY....one being that all the good things with eric may come to an end due to summer and next year....and that if leah gets off-campus i feel like i'll never see my friends :-\. I'm trying not to focus on either...there's nothing i can do to change what will happen...so we'll see. Me and eric are gonna sit down and have our sober talk (lol...it sounds so serious this way, but really its just our good convo while not intoxicated), and I don't know if I'llsay anything about my worries about next year to the girls... Oooooooooooooooooooooooh...eric LOVED his letter and story...I am AMAZED at how awesome he was about it...it was touching...lol. One of the things he said ---> "there was something that u just kept up in your letter and it was different then most things im used to reading...not sure what it was but i couldn't put it down ya know...i am pretty sure i read both of them numerous times...sry if that creeps u out" Ahhhhhhhhhhh talk about making a girl smile all day! Alright...must go...class is over.

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:: 2006 16 April :: 4.20 pm

Oh procrastination!!!! I have a bunch of homework to do, and nothing to really say...but I'm writing anyway! Rawr....I'm in such a good mood today....like always as of late. Eric just stopped by twice (hahaha, he was studyin with brooke, so he came to see me for a bit before and after)...I finally gave him his letter and story. :-) Hopefully he'll at least SEMI like them. Gah...the only downside to today is all the homework I have...but I think I can explain some of it away for another day...lol. However, I'm a little on the screwed side of things, because I realized that there are exactly 2 weeks left!!! OMG. It seems like such a short amount of time...hell, it is. And there's still so much to do.... :-\ There's homework...and figuring out what to do about me and eric....argh. I figure we'll probably leave it open...me and brookie are planning to come up here most weekends, so hopefully i'll go see him then...but i dont know as of now. I do know I'm having a total blast with him. I dont feel like I have to spend every second with him and gah, I don't know. He just rocks my world right now. He makes me smile...really crazy smile all day long, something I haven't done in a long ass time. Coupled with the GREAT weather...well, I'm pretty much in a state of delerium all damn day long. :-D Once in awhile, I'll get a little sad...i won't lie. But I try not to focus on that. I like being happy and I like smiling all the time. I love that me and brooke fixed things before the end of the year. I love that I've been kissed on a beach in a thunderstorm while being lifted into the air!! I love that I'm catching up on homework. I love that I get to see my friends back home in only 3 weeks. I love that i'm gonna be coming back up to marquette on the weekends. I love that I get to see boo in 3 weeks!!!!!!! (yeah, tootsie too) I love college. I love that my birthday is in 4 days!!!!!!!!!! I love all the new music I've been listening to. Hmmm....I love that me and leah are talking again. I love all the new friends I've made. I LOVE the song 'im in love with a stripper'. I love that I'm randomly writing all the things that are making me happy the past month. I love the sunny warm weather. I love the way things are going between me and eric right now....even though everything is iffy and uncertain. I love how much fun we have together. I love that he has his friends and I have mine (and I love that mine get along with eric, and MOST of his get along with me...). I love that I feel tied to nothing and no one right now. I love that random smiles break across my face! I love that there has been a box of hair dye sitting on my desk for 5 days and I still haven't taken the time to dye it again..lol. I love the way my skin feels after a shower and lotion. I LOVE that I have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss eric (i think I come up to a little below his shoulders). I love that I love so many things. I love that this whole list is probably INCREDIBLY annoying! I love my house....all of them. I love the conversation i had with lorne while i was drunk... "ok... i know this sounds really bad cz i'm drunk, but i really appreciate it cuz we're friends and stuff and it's just really cool i mean come on, give me a hug, just give me a hug" ----this was taken from what lorne has told me...i don't remember saying all of that...lol. I love the compliments I've been getting from people lately. I love all the cuties flirting with me nowadays! I love that there is a fishbowl full of reeses wrappers on our floor. I love EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I'm done....time for homework!!!!!!!! :-)

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