:: 2006 15 April :: 11.12 pm

Oh dear what a night last night! So originally we weren't going to drink after what happened thurs night with the gettin written up shit. And actually we're still not sure how that went down, because it's not monday yet! However, eric ended up crashing (he doesn't even remember talking to me...), so everything is ok there for now. But...anyways....we basically decided we should drink (i believe brookie was the culprit in this case). We got all of our booze (hooray for el toro tequila...the lid is a little sombrero!) and pretty much had a blast. I definitely got incredibly fucked up. I finished half my bottle of tequila and I was all about crawlin under the desk last night. I was apparently very entertaining...hahaha. Eric even brought me his limes and the salt he had left from thurs so I could take proper tequila shots :-) I was incredibly impressed...that kid didn't have a DROP of alcohol last night...however, he probably got a buzz off my breath lol. And he didn't drink anything tonight either from what he says.

Sorry ADD.....everyone left brookes room to go outside and me and eric ended up staying in there and just talking....I remember the basic talk...but we agreed we'd sit down sober (both of us) and rehas everything...cuz i DEFINITELY don't remember all the details. Brooke ended up coming back so we moved down to my room....(i actually ran off to talk with lorne for a little bit...i did one of those "omg youre such a great friend" drunk talks...and then me and eric talked some more...

He ended up staying over...we slept on the couch... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo comfy...and I don't think i would have been sober enough to crawl up into bed. Now here's another surprising thing about eric (he pretty much surprises me every day) - i was apparently trying to get a little frisky with him (no surprise there!)....but he wouldn't let me....I was incredibly impressed. Although I wouldn't have thought less of him, I would have assumed he wouldn't have fought me off of him. I respect him so much for that....the fact that he wouldn't take advantage of me being drunk and him sober is incredibly amazing...guys aren't supposed to respect girls taht much lol.
I was pretty sick this morning though. Eric left at about 11 after making sure i was drinking water and giving me some tylenol (i curled up on the couch). Ended up trying to throw up (even sticking my fingers down my throat, that's how bad my stomach was hurtin), but it was all dry heaving that just made my head throb. I took a really hot shower, curled up in a corner of the couch and passed out until work. Thank god most of the hangover was by then. :-) After work me, brooke, katie, and crystal went up to JxJ and saw Underworld 2...sweet ass movie by the way! On the way back i found out that they all have a half-joking bet as to when me and eric are gonna break our rule (we said no sex as of right now till things settle a bit). Pretty much everyone has the bet date set the weekend of my birthday lol. But we're not gonna break it...I have some faith though none of my friends apparently do!!!!
Hahhaha...eric's mad at me cuz I didn't give him his letter yet (while i was home we were talkin on the phone and he asked me to write him something...i took it as an awesome challenge and i love the results). I actually ended up writing him a little story too...the girl wins in the end hahaha.
Alright...well now I'm heading to bed early...I have to work at 10 and this will officially be the first sunday I've worked without a hangover in quite some time!!! Hooray for me! :-) Night folks.

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:: 2006 14 April :: 4.21 am

FUCK...when it rains, it POURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GREAT night tonight....well the first part. Went down to the beach with brookie, brooke, and eric (ben, i suggest you skip to the next paragraph....). We walked all along the beach for quite awhile (eric left for a bit though to go play DD...SUPRISE), i got to talk to brooke alone in the back of the pickup, i got SOAKED from the lake (flipflops are NOT the best idea), got to kiss in the rain.....on a BEACH...and then got a 'lift up in the air' kiss (guy pulls you in, but then lifts you up in the air, hugs you and kisses you from there).

Got back from the beach...went up to eric's after changing, had two shots with him and brookie and derek and smalls. Tricia came in suddenly with mike...then left, then the ra came to the door immediately as she left, everything blurs a lot and we're out in the hall being written up. eric kisses me good night. I call him and he asks to come over in like 5. Its an hour later and i haven't eard from him :-\ But I've heard that ben has kissed megan. And that he's not happy. Apparently nothing short of me becoming a marengo nun appeases him (yes im sarcastic, because i didn't eat enough so the shots are hittin me harder, and everything has happened so nutso fast tonight that i can't handle it anymore...so deal with it). So now what??? Well, i have work in 1.5 hours so i'm taking a nap...if i can fucking sleep.

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:: 2006 13 April :: 6.38 pm

Great day number two!!! :-D I haven't been this happy in SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo long!! It's INSANE! It's SOOOO gorgeous outside!! It's like an all-natural high everytime i walk outside, and it is putting me in the best mood ever. On top of the weather, I'm TRYING to get caught up with school (i just have to get straight b's to get a 3.0), my summer class prof said ill prolly make it in, and things are going spectacularly with eric...oh and I think me and brooke are a little better now, too (her and eric decided we are all gettin trashed this weekend :-P). On the downside, i have no money (lol), I still had to sit through classes today even though it was gorgeous out, and benj seems really bitter and sad...which brings me down. I don't know what to do about that. I want to comfort him, but I don't think it's practical for me to. I decided I'm going to not initiate any conversations with him for awhile...this way, if he wants to talk to me he can, but if it's just going to make him sad and unhappy, then he won't have to. I read this blog that his friend megan wrote, and the basic idea was this "do you sacrifice your own happiness to give someone else theirs??" her answer was no...and mine is right now too. I'm finally thinking about myself for once, instead of everyone else (i'm making myself happy cd's, taking walks down to the beach, sittin on the couch and reading) and it is the greatest feeling I've ever had. I'm just not ready to have this feeling taken away from me yet.
Hahahaha, i just realized that I'm partying the next two weekends...since brooke and me are talking again, she asked me to choose between bar-hopping in canada and a party at jesse's...i picked jesse's....i figure this way more people can be there and parties with everyone so far have been so much fun. I'm just hoping this weekend we drink tomorrow night and not saturday...im sick of being hungover at work on sunday! :-P Ooooo and i've been getting tons of compliments from the guys lately...I've started actually caring how i look a little (i have someone watching now) and everyone is definitely taking notice...it's a nice feeling cuz it makes my confidence absolutely SOAR. Ok...well....I'm rambling again...my mind keeps wandering out the window to the guys who are slacklining...so I think I'm gonna go hang out there for awhile.

Till next time! :-)

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:: 2006 13 April :: 12.00 am

AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am in SUCH a good mood today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is absolutely NO reason for it (literally...i talked to benj, but it wasn't anything more than normal, didn't see eric, didn't get anything accomplished)(then again, i take that back...i played outside all day and its RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Hahahahahahahahahah....I am FULL of this giddy giddy glee. I can't explain it and it's driving me NUTS because it's already midnight and i'm not the least bit tired! Who knows, maybe tonight, I'll get some fricken homework done!!! YAY! hahaha...oh dear...i pretty much just sound cracked out tonight. Actually all of today. I think I'm done with school academically for this year. I'm all phased out. Hopefully I'll kick back into a little bit of gear for finals and stuff...but gah...this could kill my GPA. Oh...the depressing news of hte night...as of right now, the class i need this summer is full....the guys took me out to frosty treats (lorne, coone, and steve) and eric just talked to me for awhile to calm me down...not gonna lie...i'm still pretty freaked...it kinda throws EVERYTHING off...including my classes for next year :-\ We'll see what happens...i've already emailed the instructor for the class to see if he can't do anything. Alright...well my cracked out self is going to go do something productive. :-D Hope its raining wherever you are dear reader!!!! :-D
Night!

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:: 2006 12 April :: 2.20 pm

Hmmm...so I'm officially alone till monday evening. Leah just left to go home for the weekend. :-\ I know I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend...so it's good she's gone, but at the same time...that's a LONG fricken time to get the room to myself :-). Idk...right now I'm in a mad crazy bout of cleaning. Our room has been SOOO messy. I've almost got everything cleaned up...YAY!
I'm still so torn about benj. I hate it....it's so hard to talk to him and not say sweetie or love you or anything like that. It drives me crazy... :-(
At the other end of the spectrum, things are goin good with eric. I think he may come over this weekend for awhile, but weekends are party time, so I'm not counting on TOO much time...hahaha. I think I'm gonna talk to tricia too...his ex...and just lay it out and tell her I don't have a problem with her...just her friends. I hate that our hanging out has caused little fights amongst some of the girls in eric's hall..... :-(

Argh...this is all kinda jumbly...I'm back in a cleaning mood so I may as well go back to that...maybe I'll write more when I'm a little more coherent

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:: 2006 11 April :: 12.58 am

Alright, well first of all, I'm pretty sure ben is ok now...the lump thing is apparently just a cyst (??) but not life-threatening...i don't think I would have left marengo without knowing for sure. Had a pretty good day today. Went shopping with my mom this morning and she drove me to the airport. We had some excellent conversations on the way out there...we've become even closer (if that's even possible) since I've been up to school. Whenever we're both home, we make a day to just go out and shop or go out to eat...I love it. She gives me 100% nobullshit, honest opinions on everything. I think she used to hold back a little, but now I'm pretty sure everything she thinks, she tells me. :-) Surprisingly, she doesn't seem to have a problem with me and benj possibly gettin back together somewhere down the road. She thinks he has alot of growing up to do in how he treats me and our relationship, but I think she has some faith in him. And she likes that I'm experiencing other things (ie, eric)....she told me she'd be very sad if ben was the only guy I'd ever get with...in her opinion, if you're gonna love someone that much, you'd better at least get a TASTE of something else, just so you never have that "what if" that would ultimately lead to unhappiness. Honest mom words...she's never been so blunt with me...but i really respect it.
Speaking of which, I got to see eric tonight too. I texted benj basically as soon as i got in, called my mom, called my sister, and then ended up hangin out with him. Hahaha, my mom isn't the biggest fan of some of his attributes/habits...it's kinda funny cuz although she's not 100% about him, she seems to completely trust my judgement...which is nice. K, I'm talking about my mom too much.... :-)
Leah left me a note for when I got home....it kinda apologized..i think?? I dont really know...it said she wanted to talk in person tomorrow...so we'll see how that goes.

OOooooooooooo last happy thought of the night....at claires, i bought these happy bunny stickers...theyre for your keyboard...each key gets a sticker!!!! :-D I LOVE THEM!!!

ok, night

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:: 2006 8 April :: 9.44 pm

damnit...no club tonight...oh well, i think I'm gonna go the movies with kath and nic and a few other people, and maybe even get some homework done!

Had a really good talk with ben today...he suprised the heck out of me by texting me and apologizing for 'snapping at me' last night. I was pretty much bowled over by that...I can't remember any other time when he's stepped out and apologized like that. So I ended up going over by his house and sittin on the stoop and talking for like 2 hours. It was a really good conversation,at least in my opinion. Some of it was hard...hell, being there was hard, but I feel like now we can at least see each other and not freak out about it too much. It will still be weird, but I think we at least won't have to not even look at each other. I know he's not excited about me and eric...and I COMPLETELY understand why...but he seemed to take it at least not suicidally...i realize he could be hiding his true feelings about that...i guess ill just have to hope he tells me the truth.
I am very concerned about him though...he found this lump on his chest...that really really really scares me and worries me. I'm glad he told me...but i'm scared to death for him.
Alright...well I'm headin out with kath i htink...so ill talk to everyone later.

light a fire

:: 2006 8 April :: 11.21 am

hmmmm....so i went and looked at benj's old livejournal (i still check there once in a blue moon to see if he's ever written anything :-( no luck yet)......and after reading a few entries...well i'm not entire sure what to think. I see alot of love in there (I also ironically see that we broke up almost a year ago exactly.......) but I also see a desire for what else is out there. Even when we were together that long ago. Damn...I love him....maybe this (him going out with other people) will open up his eyes to whether or not he wants to be with me forever....because I can't handle this breaking up every year and dealing with another broken heart...i feel like it darkens a little part of my heart forever.

light a fire

:: 2006 8 April :: 11.12 am

....so sleepy. I need to start working on going to bed earlier...! Just got back from breakfast with kristen, which was alot of fun. She's transferring after this year to either u of i or siu-c...she pretty much hates kendall with a passion. It was interesting because she wanted to know all the updates on my life, and when I told her everything about benj (including last night), I figured I'd be more upset with him...but I just felt sad. Sad that so much has come between us....sad that whenever he's in a bad mood, he's pissy with everyone he loves (which makes me question thngs...), sad that he can't be with me right now, sad that we feel so far apart. The pissy/argument thing really upsets me...I have to wonder how I can have a friendship/someday love again? relationship with him if we get into an argument so easily. :-( Argh. I hate that he has such a strong pull on me...that he can affect my emotions with a glance (or without one)...and that all I seem to do is piss him off. Look...I'm blaming myself again. I need to stop that. Ok...I'm still exhausted so I'm gonna nap for an hour or so...busy night tonight. :-\

light a fire

:: 2006 8 April :: 2.15 am

I've been updating on myspace alot recently. Mainly it's because I found out that quite a few people (erin, my 24? yr old friend from back home for example) who don't necessarily have myspace, but read my journal there to keep up with my life. So I've been doing alot of typing in there.... However, I guess in here I feel like I can be more open in what I say (less people, in fact i think only 2, maybe 3 read this, and therefore, I shield none of my thoughts) and I can talk about things in more detail.
Well to start, I am officially back home in marengo tonight...but actually i want to kinda talk about last night for a bit first... :-)
So around the middle of the day, I was set to tell eric that I basically couldn't have a relationship with him, because everything was so crazy with ben and I still feel incredibly vulnerable. However, I kept thinking about the situation the entire day, and I realized that although right now I cannot commit to a steady relationship, I don't want to stop hanging out with eric. He's amazing to talk to and I have such a blast with him. So I told him all of this (literally...including the talk with benj and my entire thought process) and he was so good about it. I don't know if it's because we're still just slowly getting to know each other or if we're crazy, but everything seems to be at face value right now, nothing held back. We talked about it for awhile and decided to let things play out...he knows I still love Ben, and he's takin it in stride.
So then comes the casino!!! :-D We went with two of his friends (bryce and derek) and I had SOOOOO much fun!!! I can easily see how a person could waste their entire life's savings in a few hours...the slots are ADDICTING!!! I ended up losing 20 bucks total...but it was totally worth the experience...and Eric surprised me yet again. I expected him to either be overly watchful, keeping close to me, or to go off with his buddies and leave me alone. He did a bit of both. He went off to the card tables to play for awhile, but every so often, he'd come sneak up on me and kiss me on the cheek or just sit down next to me to watch for a bit. It was kinda neat cuz I felt like I wasn't imposing on him and he wasn't imposing on me. After that, the boys took their winnings and went on a beer run, and we headed back to eric's room. The only sucky part of the night was seeing his ex as we went up the stairs (another death glare...) and being called a whore by one of her friends...but if that's all theyve got, I'll live. The guys all started drinking (I didn't want to cuz i had such an early flight, though i still sipped off erics), and we all just kinda hugn out for the night, talkin and listenin to music. I ended up passin out on eric's floor at 345 and wakin up to alarms at 415 telling me to go pack...hahaha...i thought a bomb was going off when the alarm woke me up. So that's the majority of the night...which was then followed by almost being groundstopped in Green Bay (Ohare gets too backed up, so they don't let any more flights take off) and me passin out on the plane and the bus.
And now we're back to today, which was generally ok. I came home and collapsed for a few hours, went and took a much needed hot shower, hung out with jill (which was spectacular!!!), went to the restaurant to see kathleen, al and joe came in there to see me, and then went and hung out with kath at a party for awhile. The only crappy parts were ben not being off work at the time i expected (he didn't even really acknowlege my existence the whole time he was there :-( ), the crappy talk/argument I had with him tonight online, and the fact that the party was full of people I didn't know. I could have stayed at the party longer (i wasn't really drinking, but i wanted to sleep in my own bed!!!)...but after the crap at the restaurant, I REALLY wanted my bed. It hurt to see ben...but to see that while he was big enough to step up and break it off, he couldn't do the whole "shit-i-have-to-see-her-what-do-i-do" hi thing. I guess that kinda blew after we had such a good conversation thursday. And I felt bad, because I'd really tried to make sure he wouldn't be there when I was...I even asked kath what time they usually left. And then I accidentally ended up talkin to him tonight (he was at dan's)...and he was in a pissy mood...so obviously the convo didn't go so hot. We nearly got into an argument over it, but I stopped and just said that we could try the whole talking thing again later. So that part of tonight....not so great. Lorne and eric have since cheered me up a bit over AIM, but I still hate the way things have to be between me and benj. It's hard no matter how you look at it I suppose....ok, well, I THINK this entry is kinda long... (i've been writing it in between talking to my bro, the boys, leah imed me, and playin with buddy) so I'm gonna go hit the hay cuz me and kristen are goin out to breakfast tomorrow morning! ...hope everyone has/had a good night.

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:: 2006 6 April :: 4.33 pm

fuck...just when i think it can't get any worse...my german shepherd, boston, died.

light a fire

:: 2006 5 April :: 5.11 pm

Argh...well on the crappy side, the night got worse, because my computer died and wouldn't do a thing (wouldn't turn on, wouldn't charge)...but on the plus side, i only fried the motherboard, so I didn't lose any of my files. I think I'm going to invest in an external hard drive...i've saved too many papers and aim convos not to. That and pictures are pretty much everything on my computer!
So, I'm going home this weekend, and I haven't decided whether i like that or not. I'm fairly excited because kate decided me, her, and allix need to go clubbing together....which is interesting..we both thought we disliked each other. And I'm torn about that just in general, because I love to dance, but the only other time I've been out to the club was the last time ben broke up with me...so i think that may be kinda hard. And kath wants to hang out...which will be interesting, cuz she's living back with her mom...and I haven't been over THERE in SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo long! But at the same time...it's pretty much ingrained in me that when I'm home, I see ben. And I'm pretty sure it's going to kill me not to. ANd not seeing him is like this bittersweet heartbreaker...it's good cuz I think seeing him would crush me and I dont want to think about the physical consequences...but it's bad because it's ben...and for all the crap, I'm still madly in love with him. It's already freaking me out, though I'm getting really good at not showing it. It's taking tolls on me in other ways...but mainly i'm just SAD...and all this shit with the girls...I really just feel like stuff is all falling apart around me. I still thankfully have some people to talk to, but I hate feeling like i'm complaining and burdening them with my problems. So I just keep goin...dont really know how...I feel like I should be breaking down, and in alot of ways I am...but I guess I don't just give up anymore...which could be good or bad.
I guess i'm just all torn up between the new good tihngs and the new sad things. Hopefully this weekend will help me out...
Hmmm...I actually just got off the phone with benj...which tore me apart and built me up at the same time. Hearing his voice was...I don't even know the word...a swell of emotion. But talking to him was awkward because it was good and yet the situation is not the greatest. I was surprised he took that step and called me though...even if it was just out of general concern. I guess it's good we are at least able to talk. Alright, well now all these insane emotions are driving me nuts again...I'm gonna go read or somethin, talk to everyone later, and only 2 more days till home.....

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:: 2006 4 April :: 11.34 pm

Well today was just no good at all. I found out leah doesn't want to room with me...not because she wants to meet new people but because she doesn't care for me anymore...and then she complained about how I don't talk to her and I'm not honest about my feelings to her. Wow, walking talking contradiction. And brooke told leah all the times I've said how sad leah's been makin me. So at the moment i'm not talking to either of them...I just kinda feel betrayed and ousted...it might not make much sense from the way i wrote it down, but it really hurt. Plus, leah really dug in. She said something along the lines of it being great that I met all these new friends this past weekend, but that seems to be the only reason I'm happy with her. I broke down, asked her how she expected me to smile when the man I thought I was marrying dumped me, and ran down to the study room to cry. When I came back, she was gone, and I haven't spoken to her since then. So in the past week, I've lost a love (or at least the commitment???), 3 friends (includin benj), and I feel the grief drowning me at the moment. However, thank god for honors mentors. Erin took me out to culver's, bought me some ice cream, and we talked for a few hours. It was good to get out of the room, get more pix from the conference, and just talk. Plus, I am excited about one thing. Kari invited me to be assistant director of the mentoring program next year, and then I'd take it over the next year after she graduated!! Which pretty much rocks....it's still a little up in the air, cuz i think she has to choose between justine and me...SO everyone keep your fingers crossed!

Alright, i'm goin to bed...i gotta work at 6....night

light a fire

:: 2006 4 April :: 3.59 am

Today was a good day. I skipped my lecture and discussion to sleep in today (me and leah stayed up till 4 am talking...she's frustrated by joshua), worked (which blew), hung out with eric, and am in the process of pulling an all-nighter with brookie, brooke, and crystal (:-P). I still have to write those damn papers.... :-( Which is why we're all holding an all-nighter...too much homework that we've been neglecting...

I talked to erin today...she said she has something for me, which I'm hoping are more of the pictures from friday at the hotel....hahaha. She slept through saturday's party... I'm glad we talked though... :-) She's an amazing person!!

Arghhhhhhhh...my head hurts alot...can you tell from my disjointed entry? It sounds all stupid and juvenile. Blegh. This week has caused more of an emotional uproar than i know how to handle. Everytime i eat, I feel like throwing up...which blows...and there's this whole not sleeping thing for the past 4 days. :-( Aghhhhhh....things with ben pretty much hurt hurt hurt hurt. Everytime i have a second to think, he consumes my thoughts. And how insane everything is right now. It just kills me that he actually does care....it all makes no sense. SO for now...I'm not really sure what I'm doing. But people are there to talk to about it...which is awesome. Alright...well i have to go write a paper...so goodnight. :-)

light a fire

:: 2006 2 April :: 9.24 pm

Ok, so I'm determined to write this even though i'm still tired...hahaha. Seriously great weekend. Kinda talked about it two entries ago with the MN talk..but I wanted to write parts down so I never forget it.

MN trip ~ Kari, Me, Erin, Jackson, AJ, Justine (and robbie of course). Never really hung out outside of class with any of them before, even though Erin is my 'mentor' for honors. The actual conference was kinda a joke...we went to a few presentations and ate some pretty good food..lol. That night we went out to dinner and just had a neat time relaxing and talkin with robbie. After dinner, robbie tosses erin 40 bucks and says, "will that cover??" Ohmygod...he gave us the money...from the account, for our alcoholic reverie of the night! Me, Jackson, Kari, and Erin walked to the nearest grocery store and did some shopping. :-) The night consisted of my very first blowjob!!! (kahlua, vodka, baileys topped with whipped cream *shot*) SOOO delicious. I took shots with my mentor. I almost called Robbie to invite him over for a blowjob… I slammed into the wall multiple times and did flips on the bed. I have a good jawline according to erin. I got the nickname of schmooky from kari. I made out with a few of them...hahahaha. There are alot of pictures that will never ever see the light of day. Later, at 1 in the morning, i had that conversation with erin and jackson and aj that i really needed. It was about such a multitude of things...I cried. But it was good. The ride home was queasy at first due to hangovers. Rest of the ride was kinda long. lol...what happens in minnesota (honors bonding) stays in minnesota....

Brookie's party ~ This is the part I’m more nervous to write about I suppose. The party was an absolute BLAST. I’d been invited to Kari’s, but I ended up going by Jessie’s… I made my jungle juice (Gatorade rain and tequila). When we got there, we had to wait half an hour for our alcohol (had to put in orders and make the run). Frisky andy tickled me the entire night. I slapped crystal on the knee hard enough to make her leave me alone. I got very very very drunk. I downed my full Gatorade, my very first 40!!!, between 15-20 jello shots with varying amounts of vodka in them, a shot of 5 ‘o’ with brookie, some of eric’s and brooke’s beers, a shot of parrot bay…and I believe that’s all.  ……so then me and eric hit it off….we really wanted grilled cheese and noone else did so we went off to the other lobby to get it (they were out at ours). We ended up talking in our lobby until 6am (I think we were down there for 2 ½-3 hours). I forbid him from kissing me on the lips…but he kissed my cheeks and forehead and I’m not gonna lie, he was a very tempting individual. But…just because I’m suddenly single does not mean I’m immediately jumping into some other guys bed. We had a really good conversation the entire night and it was really hard to leave and go back upstairs. He was honest and silly and oh-so-enticing…he did not make things easy…and in return, neither did i. But herein lies the problem – we’re both kind of sort of in the same situation…except his ex is up here…and has found out who I am. They’ve just started talking again…and needless to say a) she sees me as a threat to them ever becoming a couple again and b) he neglected to tell me she worked with us….that made for an awkward day in the dish room…death stares from a girl you don’t even know can be intimidating, no matter the case. So now…it’s all up in the crazy air. We’re attracted to each other…a lot…he told brookie that. But, his ex poses a problem, because if they have a chance to get back together, I want him to take it, and I wouldn’t want to be the reason why they didn’t. We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow night…he’s talking to her tonight….we’ll see how things go from here. However, I can’t imagine (if things go well) being able to keep my emotions down for very long….oh those eyes…lol.

Here’s to a newly found single life of great times…even through the pain.
Night everyone.

light a fire

:: 2006 2 April :: 4.42 pm

Ok, so I definitely just had the best weekend of my entire life so far. I met more people than I have met it seems all year, drank more alcohol than i have ever consumed EVER!, and had some INTERESTING conversations between 2 and 6 am.

whoooooooooooooooooooo...but...i must sleep rihgt now...i will write later tonight, but i'm shivering...only 4 hours of sleep before work this morning..hungover. and with death glares from an ex-girlfriend....gah...need a nap!

light a fire

:: 2006 1 April :: 5.45 pm

Wow. I think I had one of the most eye-opening weekends of my entire life. I learned more about myself, life, love, and friendship than I have ever experienced at one time. This weekend was the honors conference in St. Cloud, MN. But the conference wasn't what made such a difference. The conversations at 2am on a bathroom floor, drunk with 3 people I'd never talked to about anything more than trivial stuff with, made the difference. There are so many things in my life that I have been hurt by. I have TOLD people about them...told Ben, told friends....but I've never had the chance to TALK ABOUT it...never had anyone who could understand, maybe not everything, but most of what I thought, what I felt, what I needed. I found this weekend in honors what I've had before only in snips. People who give as much of a damn about school, who are SOO stressed out by some things, who have intentionally hurt themselves...all of it, with a maturity I needed to express it with, but not the brutal questions of the rest of the world. I also found that an honors mentor can truly be an amazing person...especially when the two of you end up being alot more alike than you could have thought.

I discovered a few reasons why I don't think I could be with ben...but for now, those are going in a box in my head...put away.

I'm so hurt by him right now, and I just need to get it out....he made me believe that we were going to be ok. Told me he was breaking my heart and then got me all light-hearted with him on the phone. And then he stopped talking to me, except to text me and ask whether or not he should delete me from his computer. I really believed him this time...that we would act like mature adults and not compromise the friendship we've had for so long...he's the one that said he could see us getting back together, wanted to be friends. But he doesn't realize how much he can hurt. If he's just taking time away from me, I wish he would have told me, not just left me banging on the door in the dark. And it's not like I haven't tried...I texted him, just saying "hope youre having a good day"...trying to make a stab at some communication... I got a 'im at work' back and that was the end of it. I don't really know where to go from here. He stopped talking to me...left me for whatever, but he's still one of my best friends...and this just feels like the worst hurt he could cause me.

But i want to end on a positive note. St. Cloud rocked....basically my plan is to go on every honors conference for the rest of my college career, become an honors mentor, have the time of my life. It was such a great experience....oh and my new nickname is 'schmooky'...

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:: 2006 30 March :: 11.49 pm

Two hard things today....I was fairly excited about the honors conference this weekend. But on the drive over...we passed indianhead resort, and a wave of memories/pain/sadness/happiness/hurt washed over me. It was shitty...I couldn't cry because the people in that car just didn't know me that well. And then I woke up from a little nap, and looked down to see the one I'd almost forgot about because it had become such a part of me...the tiny inch square tattoo on the inside of my ankle. And now I'm expected to smile and have a blast. On goes a mask for now....hopefully tomorrow will change my mind.

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:: 2006 29 March :: 11.22 am

I've decided (probably just for comfort right now) that this is good for me. It's certainly opened my eyes. Opened them to some harsh and painful things, but opened them nonetheless. Like how I can't remember the last time he said i was beautiful or pretty even, but in the past few months, he has told me I'm 'not as attractive' twice. And that makes me question alot of things. I wonder if he understands how deeply it hurts to hear you're basically not good enough from the one person whose words should mean the most.

It makes me question whether or not he was fooling himself as to his feelings about me. I don't think love should be pretending. And it makes me question what I deserve....because I think I deserve alot...not to be conceited. But with ben, I gave everything, care for him so deeply, and tried to show him my love everyday. In return, I've often felt shunned, as though my love wasn't good enough, wasn't worth his time. It hurts me to even think that...because I feel like maybe I have been blinded.

And now....well, this time is different. I'm not a stupid kid anymore, and I'm just not going to settle for his half-love ever again. He says he loves me alot, and can see us getting back together and I think he believes it. But there are things I have to find out. I'm not going to settle for a boy who doesn't think I'm beautiful, who pushes me down by telling me I don't match up to his ideal. I'd rather be single than have that feeling ever again. I'm honestly not going to settle for not having a fucking cat in my life. They have been the one constant in my life. Everyone I've broached the subject to (he said if we got a house/got married, etc, i couldn't have a cat...) laughed at his audacity. He said I couldn't have one because his mom is allergic. He doesn't even like her. I know to some people it seems dumb...but if you KNEW me, you would know how much they mean to me. How much of a comfort and sort of friend they are. Its yet another thing that killed me...something that is SOOO much a part of my life he would try to take away from me. I want to have fun, want to have guy friends, and not have to fill him in on every single detail about who's at a party before he will trust me....I was drunk last new year's and made out with joseph...my mom gave me some small solace when she said, "christ, its not like you slept with him".

This all sounds a little bitter, but it’s not like that (and ben, if you’re reading this, it doesn’t make me hate you…it makes me question myself). I am just finally looking at everyone around me and everything I’ve been through. The way leah sees it, I’ve always seen everything in our relationship as my fault, but him not thinking I am beautiful just can’t be my fault. I still love ben with all my heart…every last ounce of me loves him. And a HUGE part of me hopes that someday things do work out between us. But I have to look at all the things that made me unhappy…because I want to be happy, and I hope there’s some way to do that with him… right now I’m in the stage where everything really really hurts and I’m forced to think for lack of anything else to do. And even typing this all out hurts because I don’t want to see him as not good. I’ve always told off anyone who saw anything wrong with ben, but in retrospect, I think I do deserve to be told I’m beautiful, to be SEEN as beautiful in their eyes, deserve some little affection when we’re out, to show me random love just because they're so happy to be with me…someone who wants to tell the world they love me and that’s that. I hope its him…god, i hate every second of this....its driving me mad with grief and thought and stupid neverending love, but as of right now, I’ve got 3 years to figure that out I guess.

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:: 2006 28 March :: 5.15 pm

I want to talk to him...but I can't initiate the conversation. :-\ I wish i could just pretend like 'ok, we broke up, so what...ill just keep talking easily to him', but its not like that. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. But there are things I still have to say...so how do i get them across? I'm sick of instant messenger...and emailing him just seems too impersonal.

I took down all the pictures today...I don't want to let myself feel like it's ok...because its not. He's just not mine anymore, and I can't pretend. I've even caused his attraction to disappear. I cried the whole time I was peeling everything off the walls. I took down the little note card he'd written instructions on how to get 'home' (to his heart), I took down the little note he'd scribbled to go with a cd for our 1 1/2 mark, took down his best buy name tag, took down probably 15 pictures of him/us that were scattered on my desk/wall, and tucked my webcam at the back of a drawer. The only things I left were my prom picture and my stuffed animals on my bed - dudley dimples holds my cell phone in his pants at night.

The pain is starting to kick in...it's a beautiful beautiful day outside and i just don't know where to go. Everything inside feels empty. I miss him already, miss him more than distance, and more than i know what to do with. I pretty much hate myself for what I've done, and I can't take any of it back.

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:: 2006 28 March :: 8.37 am

It is amazing how hard myspace can bring reality to smack you in the head and leave you bleeding again on the floor. Less than 12 hours after he broke up with me, he's already 'single', and i've been bumped down a few on his friend list. Not that it means that much to me...it's still over, but now it seems more pronounced.

I did good for awhile. I talked to him...we didn't get to finish talking...and i do have some things i want to tell him.

The two hardest things to do were to take my necklace off before my shower and not put it back on, instead tucking it away in a jewelry box, and then when i crawled into bed. Usually, as immature or stupid as this may sound to anyone reading this, I'd kiss that sillly little kitten and whisper in its ear, "good night sweetheart, i love you", as my own nightly goodnight to him, wherever he was at the moment. I've done it for so long i can't even remember when it started. But last night I tucked him into a corner of my bed, turned over, and finally broke down into the empty silence, alone.

One of the things that hurts is that i don't think he will ever cry over me...for whatever reason, I just don't feel like I've affected him in that way...I just don't even know what to do right now. I have class.

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:: 2006 27 March :: 11.36 am

Hmmmm...So I have a dilemna. I've been losing a little bit of weight, which is quite nice actually...I still have to tone it all up, but it's nice to see improvement. Now here's the dilemna...none of my fricken pants fit me anymore!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, yes this is a good thing, because it means that even if I haven't lost all the weight I want, I've lost it in the right places...but i just didn't bring enough belts up here for this. hahaha. It really does kinda blow though...even my tighest pair of jeans fit easily now....I need to bring some of my skinny jeans up here after I go home, give myself some new motivation.

Me and benj kinda almost sorta maybe broke up?? I don't really know. The subject has pretty much been dropped, and we're still kicking. We're like the energizer bunny, in quite a few different ways. ;-) I can't wait to go home, though, even though I won't actually get to see ben that much. His weekend's pretty busy that weekend...but that's alright. I've got friends I can go see and my mom will be home on Sunday.

Alright, i need to stop procrastinating my Chemistry...there's a test Wednesday, and after taking the practice test, i realized just how much I desperately need to study!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........I wish could be outside though....its a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!!!!!

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:: 2006 23 March :: 10.31 pm

So I've actually been posting on myspace lately and actually writing, leaving this journal sad and decrepit. But not to worry, cuz i'm in the mood for writing in here tonight. :-)
I guess I'm a little sad, because I've only ever been good at one thing ----school. And now that i'm up here, in college, I'm just not that spectacular in the school department. And i guess the past week or so has been spiraling around me and I just feel really overwhelmed right now with life. I wish I had someone to comfort me, but these days i pretty much find myself reaching out in the dark and finding nothing. People are there, but they just want to talk...not listen, and certainly not give some caring words. Everyone's just too busy.
The school thing just really gets me down right now. I feel like I'm struggling through stuff i KNOW, and not doing as well i should be in any of my classes. I'm falling way short in chem....which breaks down everything I have. However, right now school is the one rock in my life...the one thing that's still gonna be there, unchanged....so i've decided i'm just going to start studying alot more and working on homework. I figure it will give me less time to be sad, less time to fret about all the drama, and yeah.
Things with ben seem to be going a little smoother. I told him i'm always going to be jealous of his relationship with megan. It doesn't help that all i know about her is that all the boys think she's gorgeous, however, I guess always be at least a little jealous of every girl who gets his time. And i would think he'll always be a little jealous when i hang out with the guys. It's just natural.

Yeah, that's enough downer stuff....im off to do stuff...night kids.

light a fire

:: 2006 22 March :: 12.46 am

can't sleep


yeah. i guess thats it

light a fire

:: 2006 21 March :: 11.36 pm

So............yeah, i don't really have much to say again tonight...which means this entry will probably be 5 pages long. :-P I always come up with something to say....which for only a couple of people reading this...it just doesn't seem to add up...but then again, this is kinda for my own benefit and noone else's to begin with....

I was planning on going to india this summer for a few days...just on a trip with my mom...but that kinda fell through, so i guess that sucks. I don't know. I may try and go with her to shanghai, but that involves getting a chinese visa, and i don't know how long that would take. We'll just have to see i guess.

I got my courses figured out...i missed one more that i'm taking...for a grand total of 20 credits next semester....add in Quantitative analysis or something to that effect. :-\ basically....i'm going to live in the library, sleep and work. No partyin for this kid...not that i really do that anyway, but no movies or real playtime. Well...actually i'm not too sure on that one...because i may end up with it pretty ok, depending on homework loads.

Once again me and ben have persevered somehow. For every time i spaz out or get sad, i begin to think that we're not that strong, but then (and not to pun or mock any of these others AT ALL...) i've seen SOOO many relationships fall flat and fail...ones where they were so set in how it was all going to go and how in love they were. I don't know if that could be called a sign..actually it isn't at all...it just means that somewhere deep we do have a whole lot of love, thats still kicking everything else's ass. :-\ So it works out.

Alright i'm gonna go chill out a bit and then head to bed....sadly didn't go to the peifer today even though im craving it so i think i'm just gonna do some stuff in the room to stretch out and get a little muscle goin hahaha. Have a great night everyone!

light a fire

:: 2006 20 March :: 10.12 am

Hrmm...so i just keep getting in writing moods. Even though there's nothing really new at all since last night. It just feels good to type i suppose. I don't know if i've updated on this...but i think i finally figured out classes and such for awhile. I unfortunately have to take a class this summer...not french anymore though, chem. Which i'm excited about, except for the fact that it's going to be expensive and its a night class...after work twice a week..and i won't be home until 11ish at night :-(
So there goes even more of my summer...but i need the class in order to take ANY science classes in the fall. I guess we'll just have to see how the summer goes....it's not going to be very easy trying to get everything done and still see ben...just another tough step.

I am however, excited about my fall classes. I'm (hopefully, if i get into all of them!) taking latin, french (i don't know how 2 language classes is going to be, but i hope the latin actually makes the french easier for me (all european languages have a heavy basis in latin...as does a ton of chemistry). So latin and french, Organic Chem 1, and calculus. I actually think there's one more class...but i could be wrong. I'll check later. So that's my schedule. It's like 17 credits, which isn't TOO bad. I'm so excited for both french and latin. Orgo i'm not too sure about because EVERYONE says it's hard, even mahnks. :-\ And as for calc...well, from what i've heard, the prof i have blows, and my first time through calc was awful, so i'm not very happy about it...plus i also have to take calc 2, which is probably going to kick my ass. But as long as i just get through them, ill be set.

Basically this one summer class is going to make my next 3 years SOOO much smoother and easier. Although next year is going to be HARD (calc 1&2, organic 1&2, and 20 credits winter semester), once i get through it, ill be golden. Junior year is set to be very very sweet, with lots of science and not much else, an then the last year, i have so much ROOM (more than 6 credits of blankness each semester!) that I can take some nice enjoyable classes, along with some science to keep me in line. Maybe by then there will be a second semester of latin too :-D

Oh dear...chem lecture today is SOOO easy...gah...thank god its almost over. Sometimes i wish i'd paid more attention senior year so i'd have done well enough on my AP test to get out of this class. Then again, i wouldn't get the background in this again. So i guess it's a fair trade in the end, even though i'm bored to tears. I'm off for now....hope everyone has a good day!

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:: 2006 20 March :: 1.01 am

I wasn't going to write tonight, but it makes me feel good before going to bed. This weekend was pretty iffy. Last night was a BLAST...we had a party in brooke's room with like 15-20 people. It was so much fun, noone got out of hand (except leah, before she left, walking down the hall with a full shot in her hand), and everyone had a good time (except our blond haired brooke, who hugged the toilet all night). I definitely had a good time....i ate enough to keep myself from being sick, which was SO nice...not even a hangover, but i was still plenty trashed...however, not trashed enough to not remember. Except for a few things that actually took some thinking, i remember the whole night vivdly. And if i didn't there are PLENTY of pictures! hahaha. And i got caught up on all of my homework for this week...which was SPECTACULAR!
On the downside, leah being back is kinda weird. She hasn't spent ANY time with us...its ALL with josh. She was only at the party last night for like 20 minutes and when she left, the only reason she said goodbye to me was because i happened to walk out into the hall as she was leavin!! It made me really sad...and now he's sleeping here...i just want to get to talk to her...same with brooke...we're both kinda hurt by how she doesn't seem to even want to hang out anymore, and if it doesn't change by the end of the week, we're gonna sit her down and talk to her.
Things with ben are still a little off...at least from my end...he's just so busy that there's no time in it for me. Alot has changed and i'm trying to keep my chin up, but sometimes it just makes me sad i guess. I don't know...he thinks i'm reacting to nothing...so maybe i am, who knows. All i can do is keep telling him how i feel and just see if it gets any better.
Oh well...at least i had fun this weekend...after the crappy friday night, i really just needed this. And tonight wasn't much better, but last night rocked. Everyone was awesome and had a great time...except we sadly ran out of alcohol eventually. We're planning another one sometime before the end of school...which i'm looking forward to. House parties just don't seem to be a fun thing to do...these little parties with people are so much better...albeit the SMALL dorm rooms! Hahaha, well i'll probably post the pics on webshots eventually here. But now i need to get my butt to bed. Overall the weekend was ok...had its great moments and its shitty ones. I wish they would all even out...but for now i can deal. Standing in the rain... <3

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:: 2006 17 March :: 11.44 pm

Will this day please just get a little better? My eyes are burning with headache right now...which blows because it makes my vision blurry :-\ Me and ben are in a 'quiet' communicae again. I ask a question, he gives a short, mellow reply...i wait for some sort of conversation, and it never comes...just short choppy phrases and then it's eventually over. I don't if this one is just because i jsut came back and he had to deal with the whole 'all-couple' scene, but it sucks all the same. The monotone of his voice is heartbreaking and i end up bored to tears by convos that i usually can't wait to have. I don't know how to dig out of this rut...we've hit a 'nothing-to-say-really' point again...ARGHHHHHH....

For those of you eternal optimists who are sick of seeing so much negativity from the past few days a) DEAL WITH IT, MY JOURNAL! and 2) brooklyn's back home so I think i'm just gonna talk with her to try to alleviate some of this. bye

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:: 2006 17 March :: 9.52 pm

Well today has just plain not been good at all. Talked to ben where he said he was leaving and then seemed to stay on longer (however, i believe it was merely my aim just showing him as still online :-\), then went and took my bio test, which i thought i did awesome on (we'll come to that later)....Went snowboarding with the girls which was alot of fun, except the hill was black diamond worthy steepwise....needless to say, it was interesting...i got air from the steep drops quite a few times...After that, i hopped in and took a shower while both brooke's went back to the hill to retrieve the blonde one's sunglasses....i guess i took too long in the shower for their liking, because they banged on the door the entire time i was changing. :-( Everything went smooth for awhile after that....we decorated me and leahs room hardcore for her little homecoming tomorrow...there are streamers and balloons hanging from EVERYWHERE! I may take a pic and post it on like myspace or facebook...the banner too :-) We all (the three of us) decided to just have a relaxing night tonight instead of before-mentioned partying because snowboarding had been so tiring and energy-consuming. I was expecting we were gonna chill out and talk and maybe catch a movie. Oh and by the way, about that bio test...i checked my grade and i got a c. Which is fine....but i thought i ACED it. So as i'm sitting there trying to figure out how i got like 13 wrong out of 50 when i knew 90% of the answers going into it, blonde brooke decides she's gonna go watch a movie with katie and cole (her other friends) in a different hall...and the other brooke decides she IS gonna go to jesse's, just not drink a whole lot. ......................notice the problem? I think i sat and cried for 5 minutes when they both left me. Everyone else in the house is either out partying or hanging out with other friends off-campus...me and the creepy girl across the hall are the only sounds i can hear...even our suitemates are coming and going! So much for St. Patty's Day...the one day that seems to be reserved for kickin back with friends...i appear friendless...or at least not an important friend....I feel so alone right now. I'm just gonna go...

light a fire

:: 2006 17 March :: 2.13 am

The worst thing in the world is when you have put all of your emotion into a piece of writing only to have it deleted and have to start over.
Round 2....won't be as good, i can tell ya that. :-(

I got scared tonight. I didn't talk to ben all day and i really was starting to worry. During the day i was fine, but towards the late night, i started to wonder and hope that he was just out with the guys, busy having a good time with friends. When i heard his phone ringer, my heart skipped a beat. I now understand what it feels like to worry that i'm 400 miles away and wouldn't be able to reach him soon enough.
And on top of that realization, there is an ache that has given a little blood tonight. Ben was out with the guys tonight...the guys and their girlfriends. I know he's sad...and i hate that there is absolutely nothing i can do about it. And it IS my fault, because i chose this place...chose to come up here, 400 miles from my second home. Isn't it almost sick that I CHOOSE to leave the man i love while i come up here to tool away?? That i CHOOSE to cause him this pain?
I hate how much i have asked of him. It's such a hard thing for him to do and though i respect him more everyday for it, that doesn't make it any less difficult for him to bear. I wish I hated this place enough to make me leave and go back home. I am torn constantly between the place where I thrive and the man i think i thrive with.

I don't think there's anything more difficult i could have asked of him. 4 whole years. 4 years of only seeing me maybe once a month, of only seeing my face consistently in pictures and webcams. Where he has to walk alone, yet still be taken. Sometimes i feel like i've cheated him out of something. 4 years....and then another 2 where i'll be an hour and a half away (more feasible, but still difficult)...and there's no way for me to thank him, to make a sort of penance for all this pain i cause him. I wish sometimes that he was more romantic and would love little notes and packages, but i think they would just sadden him more than now and give me a false sense of 'good'. I know I'm trying to make it a little easier (bringing my car up so i can come home more often, taking courses during the summer so i'm done in no more than 4 years), but you can't really make this one easy. And for that i kick myself...not every day...for i won't be that shallow. But it does haunt me often, and i just wish i knew of a way to make everything possible. But it's not. I don't hate it up here, and i love him. And so i have to ask him to not only remain true to me and not give up when i'm so damned far from him, but to not break under this incredible hurt that i don't think i could top if i tried. To fight through all the arguments and silences with me and do everything we can. I know this makes us a little weaker in ways, but I like to think it's made us alot stronger too. We seem to communicate better and alot more...or at least i'd like to think...its possible that he's just closed himself off to the world better. And he's even trusted me enough to give me a piece of my privacy back. He used to ask of anytime i wrote in a journal or had a private entry what it was about....but now he doesn't mention it, and doesn't ask what topic i choose to broach. And I know that must take alot for him, because he's known almost my every thought for so long, and now there are some he doesn't. But he's learned to trust me enough to know that if it is a problem, i will not hide it from him. I respect him so much for that...he's matured so much in the past year, and at first i didn't like it much, because he wasn't quite as silly...but now i get to see more of the quiet, contemplative side that i secretly love more than anything else, and i think it's building us up even more.
I know i can only ask so much of him, and i hope i haven't gone too far in asking for this time. I do not know the final answer anymore, and a few months ago, i wasn't ok with that. I guess i've grown too, for i realize that this is a shaky hard time, and to foolishly name him my one and only before we even get through the first year is a delirious dream, though we both dreamed it. Things could turn out in any number of ways, and although i know which i favor, I realize what i'm putting him through...and that kicks my favor out of the running. Goodnight.

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