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:: 2006 16 March :: 3.19 pm

Lalalalalalalalalalalalala....we're watching The OC on tv...which i hate and don't really care to watch...so I decided I should write! :-) Not too much is new though...I'm supposedly going to hunt down a party with the girls on Friday for St. Patrick's day (after a pre-game at jesse's)....but they both vouch that we prolly won't find one (because marquette cops are pretty ridiculous)...so we'll prolly just end up back at jesse's...then walk home :-) Tomorrow is also snowboarding after class (hooray!) and decorating my room for when leah gets back sat morning. :-D So hopefully this weekend will be fun. I'm not sure if i'm huge on the party-hunting plan, because i don't really find the idea of a huge group of random strangers very much fun....but i'll be with all my girls, so that should fiz it all hahaha. Alright...i'm gonna go slack off elsewhere...hrmmm...actually i'm all done with all my homework!!!!!! HOORAY! night night!

:: 2006 13 March :: 11.44 am

Crikey, I'm tired. I really need to catch up on sleep today. I'm calling in sick to work because i have to go to the health center, and then i htink I'm going to devote my day to rest and homework. Probably more rest than homework....hahaha. I'm not sure if i really care for being back up here yet. I suppose it's nice to escape from marengo, especially when certain people just drive me insane...but i miss ben already, and i didn't even really get to SEE jill. :-( Plus, there's all this homework that piled up over spring break that i have to do now!!!

But...back to my spring break :-) It was really really good. I got to see my mom alot, went shopping, and worked for my sister, and still managed to find time to spend with ben :-D which by the way was AMAZING! I had so much fun with him this past week and especially our little vacation. It makes it that much harder to come back up here and not see him for another month...but i have planned out when im going to come home. I was gonna come home for my birthday, but that's the week before finals, and I'll probably be all stressed out...so I'm gonna do it two weekends before that (whihc is like April 9th i think).....It's a good weekend because i don't have to work and it's KINDA near my birthday lol. This way hopefully ill still get to see ben a bit, relax before finals start to come and lseep in my OWN BED!!!! hahaha, alright its off to class...adios!

:: 2006 12 March :: 3.42 am

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............so I had an AWESOME weekend...everything about it was so spectacular (i was a little saddened because i don't think ben is ready for marriage anymore...or at least he didn't seem like it...but i suppose it is understandable), we talked and laughed and had plenty of amazing sex....spent a nice comfy time in the hot tub, played some video games...and now.......i have a uti. :-( I hate these things....they definitely do not rock my world. However, in light of the great weekend, i guess its not too bad of a price to pay. Sad that i have to pay a price for it, but if this is all, then so be it. The girls (marie and allix) took me to walmart to get me cranberry juice and pills to make it stop (well hurting at least). Sadly i have to wait until monday to go to the doctor (tomorrow is sunday) and i have a 7 hour ride ahead of me....BUT i guess its not TOO bad of an end to my amazing spring break. I'm hoping tomorrow morning goes good too...last time to see ben for awhile (probably about 5 weeks). I guess we'll see...ive loaded up on pills and im guzzling juice, so HOPEFULLY ill feel all better in the morning :-D Have a good night everyone and Ill fill in on spring break after i get back/feel better.

:: 2006 6 March :: 9.40 pm

Well, spring break is now fully underway...I find myself a little frazzled tonight because i got quite turned around while getting home tonight :-( but other than that, it's been going pretty dang spectacular. Things with ben are going really really well, which is so awesome... ;-) hahaha. Everything with him has been awesome lately though to be quite serious. We seem to be talking things through alot and everything has just been smooth lately...it's really really nice after the bout of negativity and knowing that even that can't take us down is so great. I can't wait for thursday either...to just kick back, lounge in the hottub, unwind completely for two days...and sleep with him of course....in both forms of the word...i love the feeling i get when his face is the first thing i see when i wake up and im safe in his arms. :-) Tomorrow night im sleeping over at my sisters too, which should be fun, i hope. I think i like working at the office...its nice and quiet, i can listen to music all day, and i can easily get really really really deeply into the work because its so crazy to sort out. So although the drive is kinda long, and I wish i had more time for myself (with friends, with ben, with myself), i really need the money, and this is the greatest way i can think of to make it. the only other thing that kinda blows is that i somehow have to write a paper before the week is over...maybe ill work on it tomorrow late night after brett goes to bed. There's a bit of studying too, but i can work on that when i get back to school. Alright...well I THINK allix is coming over now... we'll see... :-\ sweetest dreams :-)

:: 2006 28 February :: 12.43 am

So apparently the world is against me and ben being together right now...so FUCK THE WORLD. Mike doesn't think we hsould be together because apparently "he doesn't speak fondly of me anymore" and i was talking to joseph tonight.....marie's freaking out because james will be 6 hours away...joseph goes, i can tell her right now THAT won't last...and i asked, well what about me and beN?!?!?! and he just got his ass of that topic and changed the subject... what the fuck...why can't people just be happy for us because we're happy!??!?!! We're doing so good right now and I'm sick of everyone just trying to bring us down!!!!!!!!! Now i'm in a bad mood damnit, and i don't want to be!!!!
Growll....i need to go to bed...goodnight

:: 2006 19 February :: 12.39 am

Just a quick update before bed tonight...

Nothin much is new...or else there's alot new and i just can't really think of it right now. There are only 13 days till i get to see ben!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited....i miss him so so so much! Hrmmmm...things between us are going really good right now, though. Sometimes it seems like we don't have much to talk about, but when we talk every day for at least 10 minutes...it makes sense that we would run out of things to say eventually. I'm a little worried about not really getting to see him over break, however, we are going to our hotel for the weekend...SOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo...i can find things to do over the week during the day in anticipation of the weekend! :-)
Oh, i suppose there is some news...not that anyone will care much. I've decided to not get my doctorate right after undergraduate school. Basically, a master's takes about 2 years......a doctorate.....5.......needless to say...i do NOT want to be in school constantly until im like 30. So i'm going to do it the old-fashioned way...get my masters, get a job, and then work on my doctorate over time. It will take longer...but i want to get a start on my LIFE!!!! not just school :-)

Alright, thats all for now...hope everyone has a starlit night.

:: 2006 15 February :: 12.26 am

I need to stop letting ben's mood dictate mine. Whenever he comes online at night, he's usually tired and in a bad mood from work....which subsequently puts me in a sad mood, and pretty much makes me cranky for the rest of the night. :-( And then i feel shitty because the people up here dont really care for me when im cranky... :-S
And even now...look at my past couple of journal entries...all depressive and crankers and whiny. This is Valentine's day...i should be happy...but I'm just blah. No cards for caity this year...not even from friends. :-( Guess it goes to show the impact i made on people?? It just hasn't been a very happy day at all. But i'll put my head up and make everything seem ok...thats how it works, how it goes.
Sorry this so disgustingly depressing. I am happy a majority of the time...its just nights...when ben is tired and quiet and i'm missing him the most, and everything winds down around here.

:: 2006 13 February :: 12.20 am

This weekend...was ok. Today was fairly relaxing, much more so than yesterday. I basically just chilled out and hung out today, as opposed to running around like crazy. I feel like I should have had more to do this weekend, and I probalby do, but as of yet, I can't remember. I need to start using my planner more often! This week is pretty relaxing for the most part too. Valentine's day is nothing to look forward to this year....which is unsatiably sad, but oh well...at least the last two were good. I think me and brooke are gonna go out to eat or something...anything but sit around and do nothing all night. Other than that, there's a test on tuesday...and thats about all the excitement. However, this weekend should be excellent. Friday is the start of the UP 200, whihc i CANNOT WAIT to see! All the amazing dogs... :-) Then apparently brooke wants to go winter camping.......we'll see about that one hahaha. Then Sunday night is the Dierks Bentley concert!! :-D Floor seats! YAY!!!!!! I'm gonna try and sneak my camera in too...we'll see if that works at all...I'm doubting it a little.... :-( So although the week looks pretty sad, the weekend should be nice. And after that, there's not much time at all till break!!!! I think i may be getting my hopes up too high....I'll have to take that down a notch...the less i expect from break, the less sad or more elated i can be. :-) goodnight everyone.

:: 2006 12 February :: 1.26 am

I'm sitting in Brooke's room watching The Notebook.....and i want to curl up and go to bed...
I miss ben...so so much...and it just blows. I tried so hard to go home this weekend. It's all i wanted. Surprise him and make him smile and just cuddle up in his arms for awhile. But it doesn't seem to work that way. I have 3 more weeks to wait...and i hate that leah talks about josh like not seeing him for 24 hours is the end of the world. I'm sick of having her talk about making out and even half-make out with me....I just want ben so bad in every way shape and form...not even just sexually. Curl up in his arms. :-( I can't stop thinking about him...especially with leah around...all she talks about is making out and losing weight...and i adore her, but damn, its killing me. And i keep telling her that...but she's not very good at changing things she says she will. :-( I just want to hold him....its like a great big hole somewhere that i can't fill at all. :-( I'm going to bed....this movie is just making me even more sad, and I'm sick of being so sad this weekend. I want to stop thinking about it for just a little while, but he's always in my mind and heart....and i like him there, but sometimes i hate that i'm up here....goodnight.

:: 2006 7 February :: 12.08 am

This semester is going so horribly...i wish i wasn't here right now...i wish i wasn't anywhere. I keep hurting ben it seems and nothing is going right up at school right now besides my homework. And i feel horrible because i let ben down...because im not there to comfort him, not there to hug and hold him when he's hurting. I feel like i just keep screwing up with him, and i don't think im doing a very good job of showing him how important he is to me... :-( and i can't take back the little pains i keep causing.....and that makes me want to die....he's my best friend...i just wish i was right there next to him...im not, and its my own damn fault.

:: 2006 6 February :: 12.05 am

Ok, so our suitemates fucking denied putting hair in our cotton ball container, and now we have to have a meeting with adam.....i am PISSED...and i need to go to bed, so goodnight.

:: 2006 5 February :: 12.31 am

argh....im so lost. Ben didn't pass part of the physical part of the sheriff's test....and now he's crushed....but he's also shut himself down...at least from me. I want to ask him about it, but i know if i do, he'll just get angry. I feel like i have to walk on eggshells right now, and all i want to do is make him feel better. I just want to let him know that it's ok...After two years, i still don't have that ability...it makes me feel so useless; i'm incapable of helping him with his pain. I guess.........i dont know. He has friends he'll talk to instead...they'll hopefully make him feel better.......
...i need to go to bed...goodnight.

:: 2006 1 February :: 12.10 am

I think i'm having an emotional breakdown. I want to bawl my eyes out, but at any second, leah could come home, so therefore, crying is not an option. I feel like i have nowhere to go with any emotion i'm feeling. Noone here knows me well enough to understand the crazy ups and downs i can have or how stupid little things can put me in a down because they mean alot to me.

The past two days have just not been good. I know yesterday (i think) i wrote and said things were going well, but after that and pretty much all of today have just been disappointing and frustrating and sad. Homework is basically choking me to death slowly...and because i've been so down the past two days, pretty much nothing has gotten done. I just don't have the motivation right now.

I talked to my mom today and the first time, i apparently interrupted some thing she was trying to do with her credit card - checking a late fee or something- so she was all agitated...that really really hurt because she's always kinda been there for me to talk to and today she just seemed pissed off that i'd called. Later on things were better, but it's kinda hung over through the day i guess. And whenever i've tried to talk to ben today, a zillion people have come in our room to ask me questions and stuff. And that sucked because i didn't want to ignore them or ben, so i ended up trying to do both, which just agitated and pissed off ben. And the past few days i've really missed him and knowing that all i've succeeded in doing is agitating him makes me feel pretty much useless. And i'm hoping he was just too agitated to mention the pictures i took, or else he just didn't really care for them much.

And i suppose the fact taht it is 'blowjob week' could have something to do with my shitty attitude, but this really sucks. I just feel so down and nothing i seem to do is making me feel any better or right. And this hasn't helped at all so i'm goin to quit bitching because nobody likes to hear it anyway, and just buck up....this is dorm life, crying is not allowed....i guess.

night

:: 2006 30 January :: 12.38 pm

So i've got a few minutes before class starts and i figured i'd leave a quick update. We went snowboarding every day this weekend, which was awesome!! However, yesterday the snow was really really slushy so we were all soaked by the time we were done. A hot shower has never felt so good.

I miss ben insanely...i think its this crazy because me and leah have been watching all these lovey-dovey makeout chick flicks this whole week... :-( I can't get him out of my head!! which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it makes missing him so much worse.

I don't really want to go to work tonight....i abhor this shift...actually pretty much all closing shifts are pretty crappy...tonight there's at least some fun people working. I'm hopefully gonna get somewhere out on the floor instead of stuck in dish room....that place goes relatively fast, but the people usually suck or are really strange...lol. We'll see.

Hrmmm...what else??? Chemistry is STARTING to get interesting...the homework is actually taking more than 3 seconds and the problems are ever-so-much better. I love it. I'm such a dork...SUCH a dork. My other homework is kind of drowning me though. I don't want to do it, and while i can get away with some of that for now, i think it may hurt me when test time comes. :-\ Theres just SOOOO much reading to do...i think crazy (susan martin) forgets that we MAY have other homework in our other 3 classes....hahaha. Oh well...so far, its going...ok. Ill give it that. However, it's only the third week....what, only 10 more to go?? or more....i can't remember...ok, class is starting, have to go!

:: 2006 28 January :: 8.31 pm

arghjhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhh (if i don't add spaces, this would be ridiculously wide)

:: 2006 28 January :: 1.46 pm

Ben brought it to my attention that i haven't written in here in awhile (almost a week actually)....i'm not really sure why i haven't, but i think it has to do with having so much to do that when i actually do have time, i want to sleep! :-P But right now i definitely have a lazy day ahead of me, so i can give a sweet little update! :-)

I'm feeling a little better about the whole "attractive" if you will, thing. I'm going to the PEIF alot, and now I've been snowboarding twice in the last two days, so that only adds to the activity! :-) But that's enough about that topic.

Snowboarding!!! YAY! Last night at midnight, me and Brooke went over to this little hill on campus and went down a few times. We were only out there for an hour, but I'm REALLY starting to get this snowboarding thing down well. We took the other Brooke and Leah out today and I only fell maybe 3 times and we were out there for nearly 3 hours! We still didn't hit the mountain, though. We just headed over to Presque Isle and boarded down some of the road that had been blocked off for the winter. It was TONS of fun and we even got Brooke and Leah on our boards and going down the hills a little (while hanging on to us, but hey, its a start). We're definitely going out again tomorrow too, cuz we're supposed to get a bunch of snow tonight so it won't be so damn icy (you can't carve on ice by the way :-P).

School is going alright....i'm still kind of overwhelmed, but i'm slowly starting to settle into a groove and get almost everything done. It's hard having work so early, but it forces me ot get my homework done before 4 am. Plus, i LOVE my chemistry lab...it makes me so happy to just be back in a lab....and yes, i do realize just how dorky that staatement is....

Other than that, things are just good overall. I think things with ben are going really well...we're still talking every day, but if we don't, it's not a problem and i like it, cuz sometimes i just really need to go to bed. The one thing that does suck is that I really kinda want him and not only can i not have him for like 6 more weeks...i can't really do anything or see anything on the cams because leah is always here at night!!!! Then again...i'm not even sure if i'm comfy with that yet....but i just really want to fall into his naked body and arms and just get all tangled up for hours.... :-)

Alright...i need to go work on homework cause brooke seems to think we're going to snowboard ALL day tomorrow.

:: 2006 22 January :: 11.31 pm

Wow...i drank too much...too fast...last night! :-( there was throwing up and hungoverness and more throwing up...it was not very much fun at all. But on the other hand, the actual drinking was alot of fun because it was just all the girls in gallery (with the exception of a couple of them). And noone downright decided all the girls should get drunk....all of us, in our own little groups of threes and fours, decided we should drink...and then wander down to the corner to all meet! lol....and we were drinking right in front of adam...our RA...oops! :-P He just kinda laughed at us. And i got to talk to ben....which was interesting, because he usually doesn't want to talk to me when i'm drunk....so i found that nice. And i just hope i didn't sound too weird... :-) Alright, well i must head to bed....need the sleep!

:: 2006 21 January :: 12.45 pm

Wow...so i don't even know where to start with this entry. Alot has happened and I know this will be long...but i don't know where to START with it. I guess i could just state it obviously and bluntly and say that me and ben were a hair's breadth away from breaking up. And it has/had been coming for awhile...for as long as i've htought, even though he reassured me otherwise. We talked for.....i think about 4 1/2 hours, and eventually he decided that he didn't want to break up. But now i just need to write, because alot of things were said and i don't know how i feel about them all yet....they're just setting in and sorting themselves out, and this will help me straighten out my thoughts.

Ok...i still don't know where to start...there's just so much i have to think about. I guess to start would probably the comment that hurt me the most out of all of it, and there's just no way around it - ben said he's not as attracted to me physically. For most people, that would be enough to cause an emotional breakdown. For me....i'm not really sure. It hurts, alot, i'm not gonna lie. It cuts deep into everything i am and is just kinda stabbing at me right now. Already i feel like the self-esteem i've gathered since coming back is disappearing...and i'm really trying not to let that happen, but it is anyway. I'm glad he said it though. I've felt it from him for awhile...to hear makes me know that i haven't been crazy. And i guess it makes it easier that he is 400 miles away, and i dont have to see him for awhile....or rather i don't have to see him see me. :-\ Hearing that my body isn't good enough (for whoever's sake) isn't something i can recover from overnight....i really wish i could because then i wouldn't have to think about it, but it will be on my mind for awhile...it's pretty much just going to suck for a bit for me.

He said he wonders what else is out there. I understand that...its hard with me being so far away, i think, for him to stay as solid in his..idk, belief in the strength of our realtionship?

Leah put this all interestingly...she said she didn't know how i could stay with someone who didn't know if they wanted to be with me. She thinks i deserve better. But i don't think the situation is normal at all. I guess its easier for me to think of him constantly questioning our relationship because we are so far apart. I wish it could all just be easy..but it's not like that right now.

I guess this isn't going to be as long as i thought. The only things really weighing on my mind and heart at all are the attractive thing and his uncertainties. But i love him and i believe in him, and i don't know if that counts for anything, or if that means i deserve all of this, but that's how it's turned out. In my mind, the good outweighs the bad with him....and this one is pretty bad...so i don't want to overlook it...i don't think i'll be ABLE to overlook it. I guess with the 'attractive' part, i have not look at him for any sort of decision on how i look. I don't want to be the girl who's guy is a bastard about how she looks. So i'm just not going to even ask him. I will wait until spring break. If he sees me, and i don't feel like at that first glance at my body, that he accepts me for who i am, is attracted to me, and loves every last hting about me, then i will turn away from him. I will not let him rule my body...even if it's for 'my sake.'
And as for the uncertainties....i just can't let that be a focus. And neither can he. If all we focus on is how uncertain our future is, i think it will become more and more of an uncertainty. I think we just need to love each other and be there as much as we can for each other. I don't want to focus on the bad things...that's where the fights start...so if we just follow our hearts and are completely honest with each other, i think our relationship as a whole might eventually even improve.

In the past week, i've already felt myself change...i'm not just going to give into things he wants to make him happy. because i'm not happy...and that doesn't work....i need to be happy...its my life, not his. I probably won't be as sexual with him, not that probably even wants from me right now, and i'm not going to depend on him as much anymore. Before him, i was completely independent, and i think i need to get some of that back. That's why i think it's good that i'm so far away. I can stop focusing on him. Just have a good time and not worry so much.

This entry isn't supposed to sound depressing or upsetting...i am hurt...but it's a part of life. I'm also very forgiving...which could be my downfall one day, but for right now, i'm still on my own two feet. I'm probalby going to be a little different...less flirty and suggestive especially...but other than, that, i don't think too much will change...alot will rest on spring break. I don't know for sure if i'm going to go anywhere besides home, and that may have some weight in it, too...i'm just not going to worry about it too much..it's still 6 weeks away, and i have way too much other stuff to let that get to me.

Yeah...thats pretty much all i've got...and i've probalby said alot of the same htings over and over again. I can't say that i'm 100% sorted out...but i feel better aobut it. Probably 95%. I love ben...more than i ever imagined i could love anyone...and i've always told him i love him too much...i think this has put that all in perspective and helped me love him to the right extent and myself to the right extent. I don't know how to end this...hahahahaah....i didn't know how to start it either. I guess we'll go back to the obvious. I'm hurt...but I'm also ok. I'm becoming less and less entangled in any sort of fairytale version of love. I have faith in love still...and i hope i never lose that. This will take work...but i think its more work with ourselves. And that's all i've got. Have a good day everyone.

:: 2006 17 January :: 11.32 pm

Two days into the semester already....yikes! I have so much homework already, i don't know what i'm going to do...so much for relaxing....oh well. I guess the semester is off to a good start...im very overwhelmed and stressed out right now though...
I'm trying to figure out when i can get all of my books, trying to deal with the fact that i have projects due next week already, trying to adjust to the subtle changes within me and ben's relationship, and trying to get sleep.... :-(
I should actually be sleeping right now...but what can ya do? I had to go to a government meeting, which i hated...i talked to adam about stepping down. He's going to talk with another RA about the amount of time the meetings take and then talk with becka. I like the concepts...but government just isn't my friend. :-(
IM FINALLY IN CHEMISTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't actually have a lab until thursday, but still...that just makes me so happy....i'm a dork. But i love chem so much...its where i actually feel comfortable and at home. :-)
My two honors classes are LONG......especially robbies..i don't know why, but that class just KILLS me...i usually have to fight the urge to stab a pen slowly through my eye (hahhahaa, ben once demonstrated this after describing one of his dull classes)...but its not that robbies classes are dull! The two-hour time span just seems to grate at my brain and eat me alive. lol
The other honors class is..........interesting. The professor is a slight bit scatterbrained......to say the least. I'm really sad i didn't choose to go to peru, and in hindsight i should have. I can always make more money, and its not like i'm going to get to see ben over break anyway...... Oh well, i may go with amy (another girl from class) on an interesting trip to india, nepal, and tibet over the summer. We'll see how that one goes :-) My goal is to head back to paris as well! :-D Maybe take a friend.....have a few nights of crazy parisian life :-)
We'll see how much money i can save this semester...no luxuries for me!
Anyway...ok, last class, bio. It's not bad so far...the lab professor is very good-looking...he's a grad student, so i'm not stuck with some old fuddy who doesn't know which way is up anymore. He's really interested in the topic, which is bizarre, but i think the labs sound alright so far. The lecture prof is ok...i'm a little concerned that i'll fall behind because i didn't take the 111 course (im in 112)...i couldn't fit 111 in my sched. The prof says anyone who did that will be ok, but I don't know if i'll be able to handle the class with my bio background. This may lead to some late nights, lol. :-)
Anyways, me and ben are kinda going through what i at least consider to be an awkward time. We just don't have time for each other, which isn't how it should ever be...but it is. It's kinda hard to adjust on top of school, but he's worth it. Plus, with him so busy, it gives me time to save more money, and do things he didn't want me to do (ie, study abroad). I'm still not sure if i'll go abroad for a whole semester though...i really want to be out of here in 4 years, and i don't want to be stuck in summer classes the whole time.
Alright, well now i really need to be heading to bed...i'm probably going to be exhausted tomorrow, but it felt good to jsut write for awhile. :-) I am jealous of leah though...she doesn't have class till one... OOOooooooo and i'm finally headin to the peif tomorrow. 2:30-4, 3 days a week. I'm hoping that will give me enough of a workout to see some changes, but not butt into my schedule TOO much. Otherwise...im either going to be obese, anoerexic, or a hobbitt........!!! :-P Nah...we'll just see how it plays out...i really want to start swimming more too...maybe one of the three days will be swimming for an hour?? Hrmmm :-) Ok, no more slack...to bed with me! Adios!

:: 2006 12 January :: 2.35 am

Hmmmmmmm. So i just got done talking to ben...after being over by his house. I'm having a hard time with all of this still. I want him to want me, want him to miss me.......but he's just not in that mindset right now. He's got alot on his plate, which i UNDERSTAND...its just difficult for me to swallow, because it's a very practical, no-nonsense-cutesy-lovey-dovey time....
I wish i could break into his head right now, because i have no clue what he's feeling..there's this detachedness around him and i can't break it.
Im a little lost too...before break, he was so into marrying me...and i think it's almost all gone, or hiding or something. We never went ring shopping, which i had been looking forward to as long as he talked about it. I think i told EVERYONE about it... And it doesn't hurt so much that we didn't go, but "practically"....he's just not in a secure spot i guess....and when he gets to a safe and secure place (job and apt and such)...i dont know where thats going to put me.

Im kinda hanging in limbo right now....and i think my position in his life needs to be less lovey-dovey and more practical...as a girlfriend, i think he needs me to be more of a friend than a makeout partner/romantic.

Which i guess is what i've been realizing all break, it just hurts me because i thrive off the romantic side. Its taking alot of willpower (and admittedly tears) to back off a bit and just support him with words and well, sex... :-)

And its not that we don't have our 'normal' times - he noticed that i changed my earrings and actually commented on it. (one of those small things that means alot) and we've had some good times over break...at least in my mind.

argh...i keep trying to figure this out in my head as i write, which is why i keep repeating myself. :-( sorry to anyone who reads this... :-)

He said if we don't see each other for two months, it could be a good thing...which i suppose it could. If i'm nowhere near him, this won't torture me as much. I can support him and love him with all my heart, 245%, but he won't have to have the 'burden' (but hopefully its not really a burden!!!) of me actually being there and having to set aside time for me.

I dont know...im sorry...really i am...i feel like i'm starting to really understand, but its all still very vey jumbly...so this whole entry probably sounds like babble to everyone who reads it.

This is just hard. I'm used to being in his passenger seat, but right now, there's just no room. And even though i get why, it still stings a little...and probably explains why i can cry at the drop of a hat.

He told me he just doesn't think i'll give up...which i think is true, unless it really gets unbearable. I know the love i used to feel from him is still there...its just shadowed...or something like that (hiding, maybe OVERshadowed...by his career??), so all i can do is support him and ride along in the car for now.....if the love doesn't come back down the line...then there may be a problem...
for right now i think i can sum myself as in the backseat with a bee sting, cheering him on.
Now if only i knew what was going on HIS mind!!!!!!!!...really goin on...the fears, the excitement, the anxiety....not just the sleepiness and the soreness. idk...i think i'm going to ask him to read this....and then tell me what he thinks...he reads it anyway..but he never brings journal things up unless i broach the subject. We'll see...if he does reply..which i really hope, i may post it in here...to read later if necessary. night night

:: 2006 11 January :: 5.27 pm

Ok, so my day ended up working itself out to be alright. My mom had me drive her to the bus station, which effectively saved gas for me (we took her van) and still got everything done. So i'm not stressing QUITE as much. I still feel all wound up and tight, but it's probably more due to packing up and stuff.
Speaking of which, i got some of my stuff packed up today. There's still ALOT...but at least i've made a dent. One thing i still need to do is go through my chem notes and decide what to take up with me... :-\....probably all of it! hahaha.
I may hang out with ben tonight...it's still doubtful, so we'll see. He said it was up to me...which i don't understand, because even though i have packing to do, i still have all the time in the world, especially for him. He's the one with the nuts schedule this week.....so i don't know.
Anyway...i found my key!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was buried in the little side driveway of my house. It's definitely a good thing...hahaha...i DID NOT want to pay the 50 dollars or so to have the locks changed :-( But now all is well with that....
Alright...well i've got to go get ready for work.....adios! :-D

:: 2006 11 January :: 2.44 am

Argh...i tried going to bed early...but i have so much on my mind that i can't relax and go to sleep. So i figured i would jot it all down or sort it out on here, and then maybe i can get some sleep.

Btw...as for the kath thing from the last entry, she didn't think i'd want to do anything, but that's ok..im kinda over the moment...

Hmmm ok, so where to start? I suppose the biggest problem i'm facing right now is money.........again. I basically have NO money to pay for my books this semester, and no way of getting the needed money... I can pay for some of them, which i think is what i'm going to have to do...just pay for the ones i absolutely need, and then try to work out getting the other ones later...? It scares me because i hate having NO money...I'm scraping by and just barely.

Next issue would be tomorrow (or today rather since its almost 2)...i have to go all the way into downtown rockford (scary) to pick up a prescription from the VA for my dad (my mom has to go to work...) That adds to the first problem because its alot of gas... :-(
I have a ton of packing to do and I don't know where to start......it's looming in front of me like a nightmare.

I'm going to see my sister again thurs (more gas...............), which is great, but time is not on my side...i think it may actually be the most relaxing part of my week though.

I still haven't gotten ahold of Brooke to see what time she will be here to pick me up.

I want to see ben before i leave, but he's got so much going on in his life right now that i just don't think it's gonna happen...i may see him tomorrow night, which is doubtful, and other than that, i just don't think he has the time for me. He's got work and working out and hte guys.....which really sucks because i may not see him for 2 months. Which is twice as long as i think we've gone without seeing each other. :-( And yea, it could be worse, but hey, it still sucks not seeing the guy you love for any length of time...i guess.

gah...ok, im done 'venting' if you will....but im still shaky and tighter than a spring. :-( I just want to go to sleep dangit!!!!!! And im getting up at 9 so i can get some stuff done, so i really need the sleep....arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Well...ive got nothin else, so i suppose ill just go shake and annoy myself to sleep??? :-\ night night

:: 2006 10 January :: 2.22 am

Hmmm, i haven't posted in awhile...well i suppose it hasn't been TOO long...but still. I'm in a much better mood now that 'the beast' has left me...i really feel stupid, but i never feel like im completely in control of my body or mind during that week. It's really aggravating. Anyway...things are much better.
I've been hanging out with all my friends, ggoing out to eat and movies and stuff and just kinda catching up with everyone...what amuses me is that steph, who i've been friends with since 3rd grade, but didn't really hang out with through highschool has been hanging out with me more than people i spent every waking moment with in HS. I suppose its a good thing...it's nice to know that just because we don't talk for awhile doesn't mean our friendship is over or dead.

Oh...im SOOOOOO proud of ben...already...even though he hasn't done much yet...lol...let me explain. He gets to test for the sheriff's dept.!!!! He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to or not because he wouldn't be 21 by the test date (feb 4)...but the lady called him back and he can! I was so excited for him...i nearly jumped him before he got off the phone! And ya know what...now that 'copness' may actually become a reality for him sooner rather than later, i'm not as afraid as i thought i would be. I'm so proud and excited for him....I wish i could show my excitement and pride more...but i'm not really sure how (so if you're reading this........just know.....im INCREDIBLY proud of you and more excited than you would ever believe...) Ok...ill stop blabbering about that..... :-)

The only sad thing about his testing is that its the day of the semi-formal at school....but its not really that sad at all...ill probably be freaking out the whole day wondering how he's doing. lol. I'm actually not even sure if i'll go now...it all kinda depends on if a bunch of the girls wanna go together...i am bringing a dress...my junior prom one..which i tried on tonight...and it still FITS!!!! Wonderfully too i must say. I hope thats a good thing... :-\

I hung out with kath tonight...i thought it was gonna be a bust, cuz we hit a dog...and killed it...(the sheriffs dept went out and moved it out of the middle of the road... :-(.....) (i wonder if ben would ever have to do that.....) so that put a serious damper on the night...then we were supposed to go bowling...we went there...but ended up just sitting around and everyone else was smoking.... :-( However, then we went back to kath's and drank a delish bottle of sparkling white zinfandel. It was so good..except we neither of us had eaten much, so we ended up a little tipsy...chicken nuggets and cereal fixed that problem though and we ended up just surfing around myspace. It was a fun night in the end i suppose. :-) Hmmmm...however...she told ben she wants to do certain things to me...but she didn't seem into doing anything at all tongiht... :-\....so i dunno...i may ask her about it now..she's still online i think. Well, we'll see how that goes....

Much love and goodnight!

:: 2006 4 January :: 3.02 am

*A SERIOUS NOTE TO ALL.....DO NOT READ FURTHER
GGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH
I broke my 'g' key.......for good i think this time..... :-(
I'm in a bad mood.......i'm PMSy....which is bad.....ben finally got the brunt edge of ti....i guess he had to see it at some point.... :-(
I feel shitty...and fat (i found out approximately HOW fat yesterday...which makes me want to take a dull, rusty, serrate knife and stab it slowly through my eyeball).........and i was in a good fucking mood an hour ago.....then my myspace blog deleted itself...it was good and long and happy too. Everything just kind of dropped from there...... :-( There's nothing really wrong...i think ben's replies of 'meh' and 'ah' added to my frustration/lack of stimulation/aggravation...but basically i'm just being a bitch for no reason. I want a hug.......but i can't have one. Can't until at least friday...which is 3 days away...but i'm sad now...hugs fix everything.
Grand...now its moving from bitch into extreme sadness..........and i want to nibble on something, but i can't, because i'm too fucking fat already....i don't need anything else..bad enough i had a candy bar today...that really helps...yay. ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg not having a key on the g is really fucked up... whatever..im going to dive into my ice-cold empty bed and sob myself to sleep. and i still want a hug....maybe i should just make a machine...
I told you all not to read this....

:: 2006 3 January :: 1.16 am

I had the most amazing new year's weekend........ :-D

And even though i've already told everyone about it, i'll still write about it in here........because then i can always have it to look back on.

So the ride up was alright....it was me, benj, nick, and kimmy. The weather was PERFECT, maybe a little cloudy, up until we switched at halfway and nick took over driving for ben. About 5 miles out, tops, we hit the blizzard of '05...lol. No joke though...it was NUTS. I got to see a car fly into a ditch...it got out alright, so i figure its ok to laugh about it. (little off the topic)... We get up there, i think third, and scramble to grab a bed. :-\
There were 20 people staying in a house meant for 8. Me and ben thankfully grabbed a bottom bunk in one of the rooms. :-D That night was a little bit of drinking, wallyball (which our team SUCKED at lol), the dreaded pool/hottub experience...which wasn't TOO horrible...still a little mortifying...but dealable, then a fairly early bedtime for boarding the next morning. Friday night was by far the most miserable though. The room was BOILING hot....it wasn't very comfortable at all...plus the beds were really low, so it felt kinda like i was in a coffin....on top of that, the bed was smaller than my dorm bed....it was quite a tight fit for two people......

Anyways...the next day, we all got up and hit the snow...it ROCKED>...i've definitely improved...though not much...teehee. I did get one nasty bruise...there was this pole system instead of a lift on the bunny hill and for whatever reason, i couldn't get the balance...so on top of looking like a fool and crying and having ot walk up the hill...i have a huge bruise (maybe 4 by 2 inches) on the back of my thigh from landing on my toeside edge.... hahaha....all these bad things happened...but the trip still rocked...we got a good amount of snowboarding in...i felt bad cuz it took me FOREVER to get down the hills...but i think everyone had a pretty good time. :-)

Me and ben ended up leaving prolly 2 hours before the lifts shut down to take a hot shower...and a nap... :-) that was nice....really nice.... :-D Then at 5ish was snow tubing!!!!! that was ALOT of fun, but the hill was crummy to trudge back up. We made a chain of tubes with the ten or so of us that went...it was sweet.

After that, me and ben drove into town and ate at this cute restaurant. The food wasn't the greatest, but it was nice to get away from everyone for a little while. :-)

That night was new year's eve, so there was plenty of drinking and card games....the family next door was sick so they gave us their bottle of champagne which was really awesome...not only did i get to sip yummy champagne to ring in the new year, but on top of it all, i got to sit there and kiss ben quite a ways INTO the new year....hahhaaha...its alright though..everyone was at least tipsy...so noone noticed :-)
We all ended going to bed kinda early (i think the latest of the normal people was 130) and then the drive back was pretty good...just long.

So yeah...thats the condensed version.....because i'm kinda sleepy and don't feel like writing anymore....just know that it was the best new years i've ever had, and i hope i get to see more of them. :-D

Tata for now..........night night.

:: 2005 29 December :: 11.29 pm

don't read me either
This ski trip has turned to horror........there's a hot tub........which now has me CRYING.....because all the girls going are tiny and i'm fucking embarassed to let ben see me in comparison to all of them........i hate myself. Grand. And yea, according to ben, its dumb...but it hurts....and i suck for letting myself be this way.

So i guess i'm gonna go finish packing........let's hope things turn out better than theyre looking.

:: 2005 28 December :: 11.25 pm

ARGH! I have been having a GREAT day...extraordinarily relaxing and pretty lazy. Got up, fed the animals, went back to bed, then got up, paid my dad's phone bill for him, cleaned my room, and played maplestory in between....
HOWEVER........I used my hundred dollars to pay the phone bill because my dad didn't have the money on him, but he promised me that as soon as my mom got home thurs, i'd have the money back....well now he's talking some bullshit about how i need to put a postdated check in HIS name (from my grandma) into my account ot cover me!!!!!! YOU CAN"T FUCKING DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF I DON"T GET MY MONEY......heads will fly...... Ok....back to killing little purple octopussies....had to relieve that stress.... :-D
hope everyone had a merry christmas! lol

:: 2005 26 December :: 3.21 am

DONT READ ME
So i finished talking with ben about 20 minutes ago...but i was crying and knew i wouldn't be able to get to sleep...i'm terrified of where we are right now...but i guess it's necessary. :-\ If we make it, we'll be stronger, if not, well then i don't know....
Anyways....the convo ended.......ok.....we're gonna work on stuff and just see where it goes, but i'm still just hurting. I really want him to wrap his arms around me and hold me like boyfriends are supposed to do...but not this christmas break i don't think. So i cry into my pillow and hug it tight like i would him. Why can't i be a little weak??? Ok...im crying again. I hate that i don't know if we're going to make it. I went on lovingyou.com to look in the forum for some shred of hope...but there was nothing, so i posted myself. We'll see where that goes...maybe they'll tell me i'm right to cry.
I know this is very pessimistic and sad...i can';t help it right now...most of my entries are sad, because this is the only place i have to go with them. Ben asked if i'm happy with where we are right now...i am, but i'm terrified, if both are possible. And he won't comfort me in the slightest...that's all i need. But i'm left up here on my own.
I think our sex life is dwindling too...that makes me sad. It's like everything is changing right before my eyes. I said this to kath and i put in the post on the long distance forum on lovingyou and ill say it now because i like it and it hurts.... i knew long distance was going to suck...and be hard...but i didn't think the hardest part would be coming home back into his arms.
Brilliant isn't it.
Sadly, i don't even think this entry will faze him...it won't make him want to hug me any more than he does now....if anything, it might drive him away further?
Ok, well this was supposed to help even more than the forum did, but it didn't and now im done

:: 2005 26 December :: 2.09 am

Hmmm...haven't updated in awhile. Christmas was today....that was...interesting. My brother got trashed for the first time ever....ended up throwing up in Brian's garage about 4 minutes after we finished eating down there.
Got good gifts i suppose...gift card from bri and brenda, money from mike and sue....from the 'rents - ski pants, goggles, underarmour, lush stuff (the company, not the nickname), giftcard to old navy, and a memory card for my camera, and from ben i got my dudley dimples bear and the rent soundtrack. Not bad at all.
Well...one week down. It feels like i have a short amount of time left though. Oh well. I work both lunch and dinner at chef's tomorrow...hopefully i'll make some fricken money...i worked friday night and only made $32...that's pretty much crap for a friday night. :-( But if i make a decent amount tomorrow...i THINK i might actually be able to catch up on money. My credit card is so close to its limit i may cry....so hopefully over this semester i can pay it off.

Friday is the ski/snowboard trip. I'm excited...i think. I don't really know what to expect...and from what i hear, i may be sleeping in a different ROOM from ben...that would suck. But that could be me wanting to be with him too much again...oh well. It'd just be nice to sleep with him...but if it doesn't work out, that's fine. I'm kinda sad though because i guess mike is boarding and i figure i'm gonna be left on my own and hte guys will go off, but i guess then they won't have to see me fall flat on my face 10000 times. :-)
K, well i'm talking with ben now and i don't remember what im writing in here, so i'm jsut gonna stop now, befroe it gets all mumbly-jumbly... night! :-D

:: 2005 21 December :: 1.50 pm

i wish i could go back in time

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