:: 2005 20 December :: 7.39 pm

WOooooooooooooooooooHOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Not only did i get a B on my paper FINALLY!!!!!!!, but i got a B+ in that class and a B in Leuthold's!!! Not the greatest but hells better than i thought i would do!!!!

light a fire

:: 2005 18 December :: 5.13 pm

I'm home! Yay! And i'm actually in for an incredibly boring night...hopefully not, but that's the way it is looking right now. Went out to dan's (amy's brother) house last night for a party (i no longer write last names because it allows sneaky people to find this journal...) :-) which was fun. I didn't know about half the people there, but i knew a good number. It was kinda crazy loud at first but eventually it mellowed out a bit...i can't wait for the ski trip....i think that will be even more fun, cuz i think i know at least a little everyone who's going...??? we'll see.

Set up the christmas tree today...still have to put the ornaments on, but i can't find hte one box...so i have to go hunt in the creepy basement... :-)

Ben's at dan's tonight...i would have liked to go out there with him....haven't seen dan in awhile....but i guess they wanted a boys night?? i dont know...maybe just didn't think about it...oh well. And everyone else i think is busy...can't get ahold of jill, marie is in southern illinois...she'll be back tonight, but she doesn't know how late. I talked to joseph a few days ago...we may get together and just talk (i don't think he's a very happy kid...then again he never really has been since allix)....but he said this weekend he was busy the whole time... I suppose i could call kristen but she's more into the party scene...and i'm just not. Basically, ill call anyone except allix...she's so messed up right now and i don't even know how to talk to her.

Anyway...maybe ill just......yea i dont know...i have no idea what to do. I suppose i could take a bubble bath tonight...? Start a new book...or get a movie...or....hmmm i think i may go to michael's...now...to get the rest of the yarn i need for my mom's scarf...not a very exciting prospect...but it could be fun. :-\ Ok...i'm gonna go, cuz i'm just feeling sorry for myself for having nothing to actually do and this is pathetic. Disregard this entry...wipe it from your minds....forget i ever said anything.
night night...

light a fire

:: 2005 13 December :: 1.45 am

The weary traveller looks at the fork in the road. A soft breeze whispers through her hair and scatters the leaves at her feet. Both the path to the north and south are hard-worn and well-tracked. Neither looks less curvy or less bumpy, but both have their fair share of ruts and tumbles, for as far as she can see. She stands there as the moons pass overhead, waiting for a clear answer, some glimmer of direction. A tear slides down her cheek as she chooses her path, hoping it will lead to a happy ending, no matter how rough the trail may be.

Maybe i should try drugs once, to see if my trippy thoughts actually coincide with a drug-like feeling....if so, ill know that my mind is just weird enough to acheive that state on its own...and i'll be drug-free forever on.

Yes, i know this is confusing....i'm sorry to whatever meager number of readers i may capture. In fact, if you do read this, just leave some anonymous comment...it can just say "i read it"...just to see who out there really actually reads into my intertwining thoughts.

there is more of this story in my little head....actually there's a whole world for caderyn...but i know not where to start, for where i started her originally she has failed.....here may seem a good place though...we'll see where this takes me. She's not an inthemiddle person.

I'm in an odd mood and kath has added a sad/upset twist...hence the weird writing.

i want to be held

light a fire

:: 2005 13 December :: 1.03 am

I feel bad...ben's out with people, more specifically dan and girls....and i was trying to be silly texting him, but i think i made it look like i'm a psycho-jealous girlfriend......

:-(

And i'm in one of those crazy contemplative moods again....everyone thinks i sound really depressed, but i just feel out of it...like i'm trippin on life, just drifting away for awhile.

light a fire

:: 2005 11 December :: 9.00 pm

I'm in a very sad mood

There is no rhyme or reason for it...at least none that i consciously recognize....

I miss ben

I worry that robbie is still a manwhore...amanda deserves to be happy

I hate that when i hang out with shorthall, i'm accused of flirting by a girl who's crushing on steve. I 'flirt' with them the way i would with dan and mike and tristan...they all know i have ben, and they know that when i hang out with them, i think of them as friends and nothing more...i don't understand why other people automatically think i'm out looking for ass. I have one and he's the only one i want

I have to open wednesdays and fridays at the mp before classes....at 6 am

My digital camera battery is dead

I don't like that i have no close friends here, not like marie or jill. Amanda could become one, but it's hard making new friends, opening up and trusting them.

I like amanda alot...in a platonic sense. she reminds me of something that i cannot quite put my finger and i love it. i find myself watching her, watching robbie to see if he treats her good, and just talking to her...this sounds a little gay...but it's not meant to be

All of these words are kind of mumbled and jumbled because i'm sad and contemplative and this is the easiest way to get all of them out.

I wrote christmas cards, even ones to leah, amanda, and katy...even though they live right down the hall or in the same room...mail is good.

next year, most of the people i hang out with in gallery will be gone. (lorne, steve, coone, john, brandon, brooke, brooke (not a typo, two brooke's will be leaving), wes, adam (the grandest RA), kristi, throesch, holly, dave, joe)

i feel insubstantial at most everything i do. Work - i don't do enough of the jobs often enough. School - i can't seem to grasp all the concepts no matter what i do. Friends - old ones are fading away, and new ones are so hard to build. Ben - i always feel i should be doing more, giving him everything he deserves. life in general - i feel like there is some tiny step i have missed in my 'development' if you will...something small that would be the missing puzzle piece.

yet at most points, i am happy.

im sorry if this is very complainy...actually most of my journal is whiny like this...but this is the only place i can do it....i would rather spill it into the keys than into some poor souls ear. this is a place people can just hit the 'x' on and be done with....you can't really do that in a conversation.....and besides that, my choppy words and brief ideas wouldn't fly so well in a talk. Here a few words per line are ok, because this is my place.

i really want to go sledding...a bunch of people go, but i have yet to be invited........i would love so much to sled down a hill...i haven't done that in so long.

i just burned my finger unscrewing one of the lightbulbs so that i could still see, yet its darker so leah can sleep...it hurts alot

i want to go talk to someone, anyone, or just goof around, but everyone is studying or out

i'm always afraid that my love isn't enough

i still sleep with teddy bears

my mood has lightened a little...im just randomly thinking now, so ill go

light a fire

:: 2005 7 December :: 10.23 am

holy mother, i'm cold! I made the mistake of just wearing a tshirt to class.....well a jacket, but still! Anyway, id just thought i'd let you all know that. :-)
8 days 8 day 8 days.....! I'm a bit excited.... :-)
Wheeee....only one more day of actual classes and then i'm done! and i only have 1 cumulative final, and that one is ONLINE! I do have 2 tests to take, but they shouldn't be a problem. Oooooooo but i do have to work next wednesday from 6AM till 11!!!!! i haven't seen that early in quite awhile... :-\ we'll see how that goes...i may fall asleep at work! :-) Ok, i'm going to go...i really should pay more attention in this class! :-P

light a fire

:: 2005 6 December :: 12.55 pm

I'm a little sad...my mom kept telling me how she was gonna send me stuff all the time when i got up here. She never does. :-( I never get notes or calls...gah...my dad calls...i'd rather he not. And leah always gets all of these letters from friends and family. It makes me very sad, cuz i feel like i haven't made close enough friendships for people to care after highschool...i sent letters out to everyone; noone wrote back. My sister doesn't even send anything (well she did once)...and she said i'd get HCP's (hyink care packages) all the time... :-( And now it's care package week...my mom didn't send the thing in on time...she said she'd still do something but i really doubt it. Leah's mom is making her a special care package........i'm jealous.

On the up side of things, ben's gonna be here in 9 days. :-) Except i forgot about dead hours...so much for noisy fun. All of finals week, the hall has 22 hours (!!!!!!!) a day of basic silence, so that people can study...we get two hours form like 5-7 to be loud each day...that's it...and this is something adam actually has to enforce. It will blow...that is all i can say about it. But at least i'll get to see ben! As he said, "a day alone with you"......i cannot wait....stuffed animals are nice to have in bed, but having him curled up next to me is the best feeling in the world!

light a fire

:: 2005 5 December :: 9.27 am

So my brother actually called this morning to a) wake me up, because i obviously sleep in too late, and b) to tell me that the PEIF is, afterall, only 20 minutes away, so i should get my ass over there, because i have clearly gained weight since he last saw me. He actually left that as a message on our fucking answering machine. I think my self-esteem dropped 70%.

And they just raised the hotel prices at me and ben's favorite hotel....

:'-(

light a fire

:: 2005 5 December :: 12.57 am

I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing at least every day or so...2 days straight now...lol go me!
Hmmm today was pretty boring, got up early, went to breakfast and then mike left, went back and read for a long time.
Hung out with the house a bit...went to see brothers grimm!! YAY...not as good as i expected but at least i finally got to see it. And the rest of the day i've pretty much played maplestory...hahaha. I'm a dork. I miss ben like crazy today......i'm a little sad due to maplestory...since we're playing, i can't see him...i haven't really gotten to see his face much at all these past 2 weeks. I miss him so much. :-( but only another week and i get to see him! :-) I'm so excited...i can't even wait.
and there's tons to look forward to, too. :-) Mmmk...gonna go see if my chick is healed...ngiht night

light a fire

:: 2005 4 December :: 11.03 am

i wanted to reword the first part of last nights entry....because there are little things he catches, like my when the wind blows book and dudley dimples..... :-)
i'll still talk about things i can't wait for and am excited about...just not as often, and i won't expect him to get into it. That way, in case he doesn't get as excited as i do, i won't feel stupid and he won't think i'm such an idiot. :-\

light a fire

:: 2005 3 December :: 11.57 pm

Ben thinks i'm stupid for getting upset about the movie. It makes me sad that little things i find importance in, he doesn't really notice, but i will just have to keep them to myself from now on and let him stay out of that part of my life. I don't want to be sad, and i don't want him aggravated with me for something stupid. :-\

Anyways..on to what i want to write about even though it's difficult and creepy. I wanted to talk to ben about it, but i couldn't get the words out, so i figured i should just write it in here, even though i wanted this journal for more happy things.
I told him my brother creeps me out a bit. gah, even now i procrastinate talkin aobut it, just cuz its weird. Ok, so he gives massages.......but in order for those massages to take place, i have to more or less be naked. :-( Which is weird. He's my brother. ewww. And a few times, he's even asked me if he could 'get me off........'...................double super, uncomfortable eww. Basically i spent the night at the hotel, and the entire time, i laid in the one bed, curled up in a ball, clutching that little kitten stuft animal ben gave me, and wishing he were right next to me so i just wouldn't have to be there. :-( I was just creeped out. i got hardly any sleep because i was half afraid my brother would go nuts in the middle of the night and try to rape me... :-\ who knows...maybe i was overreacting again. It was kinda silly actually......i just held that poor little animal and even held my necklace in my fingers and just wished i was lying in ben's bed, instead of in a 2-bed hotel room where my brother was a bed over. :-( I somehow managed to get out of anything but an exfoliation massage this time (careful wording and time planning), which i kept certain parts covered well enough for, and he wanted me to spend the night tonight too, but i told him i wanted to watch over my sick little leah (she apparently has herpes in her throat...not quite, but thats what the medicine says...)....so now i don't have to dela with another night of that and no massages. the sad thing is that kitty is back at the hotel room... :-( but i feel much safer and sounder here... On the nice side, i did get a beer and two margaritas out of the night... :-) Just a joke to perhaps lighten the blow of what i wrote, for my own sake....but i did actually get the drinks...mike got the first one and after that, the waittress just brought them, didnt even card me. Alright, well now, i'm just gonna go play maplestory and prhaps talk with the guys down the hall....we're all gonna go see brothers grimm tomorrow night...me and ben were gonna go, but we never got around to it.

Ok...well actually i need to just talk about anything else a little, cuz now im thinking about it all and it grosses me out...i dont know why it didn't as thoroughly before...i think i was intimidated. :-S Hmmm...i can't wait to see ben...i'm sure if he's as exctied to see me...i've been aggravating him as of late. but i really can't wait...especially after this weekend. I kinda just want to curl up into his big strong arms and cry. It would be nice. Oh well...by the time break comes, i'll have pushed this all out of my mind for awhile. It makes it easier than thinking about it. Gah, back to my distraction. :-) benji said he would take me to bull valley (?) so i could practic snowboardign a bit. Which would be good, or i may end up in the hospital over new years... :-P hahaha...we'll see. i still need to magically uncover THAT 50 bucks. But i really hope that will be alot of fun...
.......i just really miss ben...i don't know why so much...probalby cuz we haven't gotten to talk much this week. He's been really really busy with work and hangin with the guys. Sometimes it makes me really sad, but i just have to remember that he's out having fun adn making cash, and i just gotta deal. Xmas break may be a little hard, cuz i certainly can't expect him to spend every waking moment with me. I'll probalby just try to hang out with jill or marie when he wants to hang with the guys. :-) Alright, well now i miss ben a considerable amount more, but my mood has slightly brightened, so i'm gonna go....adios to all.

light a fire

:: 2005 3 December :: 8.50 pm

:-(

This had been a sad evening. ben was drinkin last night and got to be in a hottub with girls (mik enad dan too), which makes me jealous...but i guess it's the price i pay... :-(
and i just found out through a comment on myspace that he's going to see narnia the day it opens.....that kinda broke my heart...i've been looking forward to seeing it with him......he actually said he'd see it with me....it's pointless if he's already seen it, but i can't do anything aobut it now...i just thought we were gonna go together as soon as i got back..like our own opening day...i know it's dumb...but i'd been looking forward to it ever since i found out. i don't know. :-( I'm just gonna go......i'm very stupidly sad...

light a fire

:: 2005 28 November :: 9.10 am

purrr....Thanksgiving break is over...sadly...but it was so good. :-) Mmk, here's the play by play...well, the really good parts won't be in here... ;-)
Wed - woke up early to drive my brother to school so i could have my car, ended up seeing Alex Dillon...he dragged me inside and i didn't escape the school till 930. Went and picked up my psycho grandma, who had enough boxes to completely stock my car. Came home, went by benji's...we went downtown, took the train, he surprised me with a build-a-bear (!!!!!...i'm going to consider it both an early christmas present, but also an anniversary thinger of sorts :-P), went and saw Harry Potter at the IMAX theater...that was AMAZING, then hopped back on the train, went out to wing's, met up with amanda there!, *right here is where one of those fun parts would go...teehee*, then went back to ben's for awhile and finally crawled home.
Ok, wed was busy...i don't think the others are quite as busy...but i did want to describe my bear...because i am a dork and i love him. He's black and has little dimples in his smile...ben named him Dudley Dimples...and he's a police officer. I love that little bear....
Mmmk...thurs...woke up, did thanksgiving at my house (*yawn*), then went by ben's and did it there as well...a little less boring at his house then at mine...took a nap, watched some tv, and went home.
Friday - woke up, was supposed to go out with kelly but her car got egged and she got grounded........then at 1, drove out to my sister's (almost got squished between two semi trucks), went downtown, went to the Christkindlmarket and watched the tree lighting ceremony, went to Home Run Inn!!!!!!, then hung out at her house for awhile, drove back, went by benji's for awhile, and went to bed.
Sat - ahhhhhh finally slept in, went shopping with my mom, ate, went bowling with steph a, sarahi, ian, mal, annette, jenna, and ana, then went out to the end of a bonfire at dan landwehr's, went by ben's, crashed til 3 am, and finally dragged my tired self home.
Sunday - had breakfast with kristen at dino's, went by ben's for a few hours, packed, and got in the truck for a long ass, rainy drive....and i forgot my cell phone at home!!!! my mom is thankfully sending it up to me...lol.
Overall, the week was soo great...bein home wasn't too awesome, cuz gram was there and between her and dad my blood pressure probably went up at least a little, but it coulda been worse, and all the good way outweighs the crappy :-).
The only sad thing is that i didn't see allix, and that was ok. She's apparently turned into a drunken whore...her and katie have this different skew on the 'freshman 15'...theyre goal is to sleep with 15 guys freshman year.....it's kind of disgusting. :-\ Me and Ben were talking...i don't think i would want her in my wedding...she would steal my thunder or have a panic attack in the middle of the ceremony and i would have to kill her at my own wedding. I don't want blood on my white dress.
Hahahaha....that would be kinda bad...but anyway...break was spectacular...and i'm so proud of ben...he's working his ass off right now....i hope he gets into a good station...he'll make such a great cop. And things between us are going really well right now. :-) It's so nice. This three weeks will hopefully fly by, and then i get to be close to him for an entire month!!! Sledding and snowboarding are definitely in the forecast...i'm so in love....so madly crazily happily in love.......... :-)

light a fire

:: 2005 23 November :: 1.41 am

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I forgot that me and my mom were sposd to pick up my grandma tomorrow night, and me and ben now have tickets to go see harry at potter at the imax theater. Which is grand, except now i have to pick my gram up in the am, and possibly my mom, which i just don't think is feasible...at all. this is all fucking last minute and i hate it!!! TIMES A HUNDRED!!!!!! :-\

light a fire

:: 2005 21 November :: 9.07 am

One more day!!!!! till thnxgiving break and ben :-) I'm excited...i only have one class today and NO meetings!!!!!!!! I'm gonna hit up the PEIFer with Leah, take a bit of a nap, do my laundry and PACK YAY!!!
Okay...i'm a bit excited to actually be going home....which is nuts because my family just aggravates me. :-P I'm sitting in Leuthold's class right now, trying to pay attention because i NEED to do better on this last test... :-\
I have SO much to do over break - rewrite my paper, pick up grandma with mom, hang out with allix (i don't think this is going to be very fun), hang out with kelly, stay home for at least one day, go see harry potter at the IMAX and shop with sis at the Christkindlmarket, SLEEP, and most importantly spend time with ben. <3 Alright....well im distracted because i'm actually paying attention, so i'm gonna jjust head out....only half an hour left! YAY!!! And i leave in 1 day and 7 hours......... :-)

light a fire

:: 2005 16 November :: 1.46 pm

Alright, so it's a snow day, which is spectacular, but i'm sad. Katy may be moving into a house (for some christian group)....which means she won't be here...which means pretty much the only person i hang out with will be GONE.... :'-( I don't really hang out with anyone else....it's really sad...damnit...i was just getting over my 'no-friend-depression' .....this sucks. Alot. maybe i'll find a new friend after the new semester starts??? :'-(

light a fire

:: 2005 15 November :: 7.07 pm

So my weekend was great. Absolutely spectacular. I loved it!!!!! It was relaxing and so much fun. Hmmm....friday was definitely the most relaxing. I went by ben's for a few hours after shopping with my mom, and then when he went to work, i FINALLY took a nap, then went out for dinner with the 'rents (i know this all a huge run-0n sentence), then had to take a midterm that was like 2 hours long, got three hours of sleep and registered for classes sat morning at 7am. Saturday was tons of time with ben... ;-).... i meant a MOVIE!!..dinner at chef's!!! Michele's baby is a boy!!!!!!! then the play, then tons more time with ben...teehee.

ahhhhhhhhh......and then sunday.....ummm hold on, i can't even remember...OH....i went and watched the boys play football....it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cold!!!!!, but adorable; i left early and went back to ben's to warm up....then we pretty much slept the day away, i went home for a few hours, and then back for precious relaxation. Monday i went to school, talked with a few of the teachers (sadly, mr. bob wasn't there), then went and woke ben up, we fell back asleep till about 11, i left at 1130ish, packed, and headed for the airport. The airport was ghastly.....i got there at 4 and didnt leave till 8 (my mom's flight left at 5, so i just went early with her)....when i finally got to the airport, i was stuck for an hour because the cab i'd 'ordered' LEFT!!!!!!! :-( Finally got home (well my 3rd home), unpacked, talked with leah, and finally crashed.

So the end of the weekend was kinda crappy, but i get to see ben AGAIN!!!!!!!! in only a week! I'm so excited....i can't wait....we're gonna go see harry potter at the IMAX theater (ben's NEVER been to see one....which i guess lots of people haven't....but they're amazing, so i'm taking him!), and i THINK (not sure yet, have to talk more with sis and ben), but we might meet her and brettly downtown to go see santa...heehee...alright...well, we're watching center stage now, so i'm going to quit writing...finally...and maybe go add a few paragraph things.....cuz right now htis is all one LONG thing...adios! there thats a little better

light a fire

:: 2005 9 November :: 1.00 am

It's 230 AM and i'm sleepy...yet sleepless...i'm scared. I'm not going to write alot right now, because i'm in a sad mood, which means my emotions are all upside down and sideways.

I'll start with the worst of it and work to best...which i hope will be a good enought ending to let me get to sleep.

Here ya go...here's the worst of it: I'm terrified. Pretty bad, huh? Not really...i get flippy all the time. K, here goes: Ben wants to marry me. I can think of no better thing to happen to me. But i was thinking about marriage itself, and the circumstances, and now i'm scared. The only two married couples (for more than a few years) that i know are my parents and ben's parents. My parents hate each other, as do ben's.... :-( Everyone else is fairly happy, but they've all been divorced!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want that. The thought of it terrifies me...i don't believe in it, but the thought of at some point down the line being absolutely miserable with ben is probably the worst thing i can think of right now. It scares me...love isn't innocent and easy...it's fucking hard...and i'm so scared of losing him...so scared of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, being the wrong person. To think that two people so in love could come to hate each other enough to end their relationship...one that is supposed to be sealed forever...is just awful. It scares me...i want a big, warm, comforting hug.....

and this is what i hope will suffice for said hug. My weeked with ben was amazing. Amazing actually doesn't come close to it...but i can't think of a better word. It was so much fun........relaxing, too. We even PLAYED...even though we kept hurting each other...but we play-wrestled and tickled each other, we stayed up till 5 am playing video games, we slept all day in each other's arms. We went out to eat, we watched movies, he calmed my fears when i got scared (due to the noises coming from outside the room). It was so great, and i get to see him agian in only 3 days!!! I want to talk to him, too...about all of this stuff. I'm worried that he won't talk...that he'll just keep it all inside...or something..i don't even know. There's so much i'm not allowed to ask or say. But i see how much he loves me. Allix asked me if that's enough....which i don't understand, because that's not all there is. There's more to it than just love. I don't know......i'm tired now...i need to sleep. And this has acted at least like a semi-warm, smaller sort of hug. It's calmed my sadness a bit (we didn't have a good conversation at all tonight) and i will hopefully be able to fall asleep. We'll see. Goodnight to all....till next time.

light a fire

:: 2005 31 October :: 5.12 pm

hmmm...so my roomate apparently hates me now....but she says nothing is wrong. What the fuck...she's a miserable piece of shit...ok, i'm done calling names...for now. She's thought this guy Joe was a freak for like the past two months, but now that i talk to him more, she's suddenly decided he's cool....and she no longer talks to me...it's kinda annoying and it's quite the downer....im just gonna go now

light a fire

:: 2005 30 October :: 1.15 am

Ok, well after two bummish entries, a good long cry, and some excedrin to take the 'cry-headache' away, i watched a chick flick and basically just chilled out....again sadly yes...but at least i cheered up. Now it's 2 am and i am determined to finish this paper...before i allow myself sleep. I don't want to work on it tomorrow...i want to read and decorate for the kids trick or treating and go to paulding lights and relax...really relax...with no homework looming in my future...

One slightly saddening thought...i wish i got letters in the mail...leah gets all these cute notes from friends and family...not me... :-( tomorrow i may just write some letters to everyone...make them feel special even if they don't return the favor.... :-\ mail is just so nice...the two i've gotten from my mom (and that sadly, is all the real mail ive gotten folks...) made my week pretty much...theyre both hanging from my loft for when i am sad...

alright thats all....im gonna go write that paper now...night night

light a fire

:: 2005 29 October :: 9.20 pm

wow, look at the bored loser write twice in her journal within what...20 minutes? if that. All i do is sit on this fucking computer and waste away....i just cried for however long its been since i wrote....yay....i don't even know what to do...maybe i SHOULD just give up. I thought it was all gonna be so different. But it's not...i don't even care about the parties...huge ones aren't really my thing....it's just that everyone else is OUT...having fun with friends...and i'm sitting here all alone, crying like a little baby....i just wish i weren't so alone....katy's pretty much my only friend...the only one i hang out with outside of classes and stuff....i have become everything i never wanted to be....i put on makeup tonight in false hopes of going out...of doing ANYTHING....notice the word false. My room is so lonely...so quiet. goodnight...i'll probably write more....it's all i ahve to do tonight :'-(
at least i'm loved.....that's one last fiber to hold on to.

light a fire

:: 2005 29 October :: 9.04 pm

Wow...i feel like such a loser. It's saturday night and i'm ONCE AGAIN doing NOTHING. :'-( Noone's online....why? because fucking everyone else is out partying..... me, i'm sitting here crying because i have no life. I never go out. I never get asked to go out. I live in a crazy fun house, but i suck. All i do is homework and go to class. :-( So much for college. Best 4 years of my life my ass. Basically i have no life outside the dorm room after 5 or 6 unless it's.....ooooooooo........going to walmart. And my friends talk about all the parties they go to......i feel so left out...so unaccomplished. and i miss ben on top of it all. I'm so fucking pathetic....i'm just gonna go....watch a movie all alone or do something else equally exciting.

light a fire

:: 2005 26 October :: 1.24 am

:'-( i miss him.....and i cry because i just can't seem to make a difference....

just want to be your everything....is that too much?? or too little?

light a fire

:: 2005 25 October :: 7.00 pm

Life continues its slow monotony...nothing's really new. I finally killed the first guy i had for marshmallow assassination. It was semi-exciting...i felt special. People are starting to drop like flies in the game...i don't know what i'm gonna do though, cuz i think i've gotta work the day the shootout is. That would suck. :-( not really...i guess it doesn't really matter at all in the big wide scheme of things.

Went and did make a difference day yesterday. that was fun...it was only 5 of us, so it took about an hour to rake the lawn and get everything done, but the old lady ended up being pretty sweet and stayed out with us the whole time. Not a horrible experience.

I'm gonna get a flu shot this winter when i get the chance...they give them out through the school. And i figure it will at least help fight off some of the crazy dorm viruses.... :-)

I miss ben...miss him like i'd miss an arm...my left one...the one i use to write and eat. I can see him every night, but i think that almost makes it worse...makes it harder, because he's just another picture on a screen. but i get to see him in 2 weeks....well 10 days and counting. :-) A big king-sized bed and nothing but the two of us. So simple and so pure...depending on how you define pure. I can't wait...and after that, there's hardly any time at all before i'm home for christmas...an entire MONTH. YAY!!

Gah....one last thing...scheduling classes !!!! SUCKS. Plain and simple. Honors is sucking my sould out painfully through my belly button...that class interferes with all of my labs!!! GAH....i don't know what i'm gonna do...it's time to play the 'honors card'. "hi, i'm an honors student, and i want in your class....damnit." Literally, that's what we've been told to say...well, no damnit...but close enough.

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:: 2005 24 October :: 11.36 pm

Hmmmm...so i'm experiencing a slight spat of jealousy. But it's not stupid girl jealousy....just sad jealousy.... :-(
Ben spent the evening watchin a movie with allix....for about a half a second, i was insanely jealous......him, her, a dark room, HIS dark room, HIS bed, and all the thoughts that go with.....but then it passed and more turned into a caity being sad because she's 400 miles away......... :'-( and now im sad again, so i'm just gonna go

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:: 2005 23 October :: 1.27 am

I just saw Domino with Katy...and i now feel incredibly insignificant...........lol. We also got very late night mcdonald's (because in the world of michigan, burger kings close at like 10...) and talked in the lobby for awhile...it was good fun. :-)

I haven't mentioned ben in awhile...no real reason...just generally so blah that thinking of him makes me go all dazy-eyed and my fingers quit typing. But things are going pretty damn well :-)!!! I miss him alot...it makes me sad sometimes....when me and katy were leaving for the movie, this guy in the stairwell had curve on....it took my breath away and made me kinda sappy for the next few hours. :-) I can't wait to see him again...two more weeks....and after that, i get to see him much more with thanksgiving and christmas breaks coming up!!! YAY!!!!!!! I'm so excited......and in two weeks, we have the hotel. Hmmmmm....the only sad part is that we've both been kinda busy the last few days and talking to each other occurs in little minute or two long convos.....makes me miss him even more...but i'm glad he's out having fun. I'm gonna head out...night.

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:: 2005 21 October :: 11.39 pm

I always make the mistake of hitting the enter key after i type in the subject line and then i get this gigundo error message telling me my entry has to be longer than 5 characters....argh.

Anyway....the parentals came up for today and tomorrow...padre wasn't TOO bad surprisingly enough...gave a drive-by tour of the campus, went through presque isle park (sadly, this was the first time through there i DIDN'T see deer), went out to eat at a delicious yet expensive steakhouse, and then me and my mom went and saw flightplan. That movie was extraordinary...and my dad stayed back at the hotel, which made it that much easier and more time-efficient.

I'm so hyped up on sudafed right now, i don't think i'm ever going to fall asleep. It's my friend katy's birthday today....i want to go hang out with her, but she doesn't appear to be back from doing the parent weekend thing.....damn.

Tomorrow is superearly wakeup with megan down the hall to make sure we get 'make-a-difference-day shirts. Make a difference day is supposedly tomorrow, but we're not doing it till monday cuz all the parents are here and noone can break away to rake this old lady's lawn. :-) But we DO want the tshirts. After that, it's back for a lil more shuteye, then takin the parentals on the moose trail that has this neat little waterfall about halfway in. Hopefully this time we'll actually find a moose......teehee. I'm turning into such a hick...not that i wasn't one already. Mmmmm the Bookstore gave aways free shick intuition razors today....and these things called campus paks with coupons and free samples (lotion, shampoo, lipstick, bodyspray)....YAY!!!!!!! FREE STUFF!!!!!!!

Ok, i'm going to go occupy my time before i go insane....night night.

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:: 2005 21 October :: 12.22 pm

Roomates suck.

I had to hide my little bottle of hair color conditioner because either leah or alisha used it while it was in the shower (all 3 of us dyed our hair around the same time, so we all had those damn little tubes in there...honest mistake). So i hid it in the bottom pocket of the thing that hangs on our bathroom door and today...bam!...it wasn't there. Why do i ultimately suspect and accuse leah??? because her hair straightener now occupies that spot. And last night, after asking if she could have some of my pretzels, she ate the rest of the fucking bag.
She's transferring after this year. I don't think i'm going to be extremely saddened.....only by the fact that i may have to random roomate...

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:: 2005 20 October :: 9.12 pm

Mmmmk, so i have experienced the crushing weight of my own mortality...except that makes it osund like i had a near-death experience, which i didn't. I was just kept awake most the night with the sudden idea that i'm crashing into adulthood and there is no way of slowing down. This summer i'm going to have a monday-friday, 9-5 job...i have to start thinking about internships and what graduate school i'm going to want to go to...and in a few short years, i'm going to have to get a job, a house, be a fricken ADULT....



and while sleepily surfing around myspace, i saw all these highschool kids' profiles and they're SENIORS now....and it doesn't even matter that our class is gone.

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:: 2005 19 October :: 9.16 am
:: Mood: sad

Hmmm so i realized last night that i'm no longer in highschool....i was surfing through myspace and i realized that all of these little kids are growing up and they don't even care that i'm gone...don't even realize it except for a special few. It left me feeling very outdsiderish and sad. But enough about that, for it really breaks the heart and i don't feel like being unhappy.

I had the STRANGEST dream last night. I was still working at the pool...and i ended up falling asleep and being late for work. As a result, i was going to be sent to PERU for punishment. But i didn't really mind it, the only part i hated was leaving ben. I don't remember much more than that, and i'm not even sure if i got to peru.....but the dream made me incredibly sad.....this week is just not very cheery. However it has gone from angry and upset to more contemplative and just sad. Which i suppose is the lesser of two evils.
And i'm severely sad because leah's horrific boyfriend is coming to stay for the week...it will be torture because he is a hapless bastard and i despise him. But if i didn't let him stay, then ben wouldn't have been as easily able to stay up with me for part of spring break. :-| So i'll live....i guess i'll just spend alot of time in the library or somthing...swim alot and work out and not be in the dorm...except i love to sleep....maybe i have a condition...maybe that's why i'm so damn tired....i hate it, but i just never seem to have energy. :-( Damn...i didnt want this to be a sad entry but it is.....will someone please explain my crazy dream????????? it's so confusing and thinking about it makes me want to cry. Growl...there's still 20 minutes left in class....but i'm too sleepy to write any more....i need a nap...and a hug.

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