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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 5 August :: 12.32 am

Lalalalala....I really should be in bed...but for once i don't really have a full day tomorrow....so i'm staying up a bit!
I think i MAY have enough money to cover everything i need for school....and thats not counting the extra hours i think im gonna be picking up with everyone else leaving for school earlier than me, both at chef's and the pool. Extra money would be oh-so-nice.
I'm nervous about this private party i'm guarding on saturday...i'll be all on my own! heehee :-)
Yes well i planned on writing about all the good things that are actually going on in my life, but im too sleepy to focus well enough...it's all garbly...so i will have to leave till another time. I suppose i could sum it up....things are going excellently with ben...i know in my previous entry i was spazzing out a bit, but that was just one moment where i was thinking alot..., things are going awesome with my sister, i'm almost ready for school finally, im making lots of money, and my room is SLOWLY getting clean! yay! ok, night night! :-)

:: 2005 1 August :: 11.10 pm

Hmmm so my dad yelled from the other room, "well when are you and ben getting married??"....(i'd be talking to my mom about wanting to take him either on a cruise or up to hestons). Regardless of the fact that we have to get through at least this first year while i'm 7 hours away.....i'm going to be slightly wary until he either pops the question or leaves. I honestly use college as more of a front....being 7 hours away from him doesn't scare me, i think that will be ok as long as we keep our heads and hearts about us. But i've watched our relationship shatter like glass twice....and sometimes i wonder if it's weakened or strengthened from it. Argh. I can't even think about it for more than a few minutes because i want more than anything for him to wrap me up in his arms and tell me it will all work out in the end (which i suppose either way, in the END, it will work out)...but he can't...and there's not really not much to say about it, and he's not much of a talker, so i can't get his feelings out of it...i have his general ones...but i think i may be 'girlizing' it too much. Girls dream of weddings and marriage and solid love........and guys..........well i think they dream of sex and sex and sex. Roar.

Anyway, pool season is almost over and college is approaching way too quickly...i want to pretty much see ben whenever i can. He's frustrating me a little because he says he doesn't care if i come over......and i'm stressed out so i start thinking he doesn't care if he sees me which then turns in to why doesnt he care and then i end up crying before i go over there........and then i get there and he's perfectly fine and so i spend the night feeling very insecure and pretty much useless...........i hate being a girl.

Ok, well now i'm generally thinking WAY too much and this is a very depressing entry.......maybe a little later i will write on the better moments lately...such as the passionate makeout session last night.......until then goodnight.......

:: 2005 26 July :: 11.16 am

Argh...stupid page just deleted half an entry on me...again. Alright, well to start over: I wasnt feeling well this morning and got very little sleep last night so i took off work today, only to find that now i'm feeling fine. :-( 30 dollars isnt a whole lot but it adds up. However i guess theres some rain moving in, so maybe my 4 hours wouldn't even have lasted that long. Now i'm supposed to be cooped up inside this house all day which is going to drive me absolutely insane. I've been inside with ben the whole past weekend, which was kinda nice, but here i'm all alone and i feel fine. :-( Oh well....maybe i'll just go wander around walmart for awhile. :-\

We were supposed to go the movies last night, but ben ended up not being physically well enough to go. That's alright though, i'd rather seen him get better slowly than push himself to sickness. He's strong, but sometimes i think that may be his downfall. And i'm not going to be the one to yell at him when he pushes himself too far. I'll just be there to make him as comfortable as possible and try to speed his recovery. :-\ Last night he kept thanking me for everything i'd done over the weekend. It was nice....to know that i wasn't completely useless. It was getting hard to stay positive when he seemed in so much pain, yet almost completely untouchable.
I finished one of my many books again...the second one is coming out in a month (i've already preordered it because i'm a dork) and so i wanted to get a fresh head about the whole book. Plus, it gave me something to do this morning at 2 AM when i couldn't sleep. :-) And i ordered the first 5 harry potter books in paperback to take up to school with me. This way i can read them all the time! i'm such a nerd....heehee.
Alright, well i'm gonna go save my dogs from being electrocuted....theres fans hooked up to their runs, and if i don't cover them, the rain will most certainly endanger their lives.....and the i suppose its off to walmart... :-)

:: 2005 24 July :: 11.05 pm

Well this weekend was not exactly what i had planned on all summer, but you know what, that's okay... Ben had to get his wisdom teeth pulled on friday. This was the weekend we were going to go up to country thunder or delavan. Instead, I spent the weekend with him, trying to make him as comfortable as i possibly could. It was an interesting experience...he smelled like death because of all the blood that was in his stomach....hahaha......nah it wasn't TOO horrible. I must say that at times I felt COMPLETELY defeated and useless, because there was nothing i could do to help his pain go away and he didnt really want to do any of the things i suggested, but he's doing a little better now, and knowing i was as least there to comfort him if he needed it makes all the uselessness fade. Plus, it was quite nice to relax and not go into work and sleep in.

Alright, that's all i wanted to write. There are alot of thoughts in my head, but theyre not very coherent...it's too loud down here. Its all work thoughts anyway...which isn't very important. :-)

The most important thing...............ben's feeling better. well at least a little bit....and on wed, i'm gonna buy him all the cheeseburgers he can eat! heehee :-) I'm so in love. night night

:: 2005 11 July :: 10.39 pm

I'm sad....argh. I had a night to myself tonight, and i got to actually look at my planner. I'm suffocating at the pool, because being there is the most awful way to spend my time i can think of. I feel bad because i love the people there, but i just feel completely insignificant. I got screwed out of a managing position and i'm not good enough to 'swim lesson coordinate' on my own. I feel young and stupid and small. On top of that, i'm leaving in 7 weeks.....which sounds like a lot, but looking at it on paper, with work and shopping for stuff, is almost no time at all. It hit me that i'll pretty much be leaving everything in less than 50 days. Everything includes the pool. The fact that i won't be guarding there next summer is really hitting me hard because i wanted to pretty much be there forever. It's another thing that just hasn't gone as planned. It's not necessarily bad at all, it just makes me sad. And i have no idea what i'm getting myself into with college. I guess noone does. It's scary to be leaving all of my friends and go live somewhere all on my own (well not ALL on my OWN, but away from people very close to me). I'm sure i'll make new, probably healthier friendships, but it's still frightening.
I am excited about all the shopping....except i have to leave it to nearly the last second because i have to wait for my paychecks to come. Plus, i'm hoping that i'll have a little extra money to enjoy myself a little the rest of the summer. Actually to enjoy myself, i just need a day or two to RELAX and plenty of time to spend with ben. Speaking of ben, i want to continue with my little love rant from the last entry.... :-) He spent a night with the boys tonight. It made me happy knowing he was out having fun. Gah, i love him so exasperatingly much. It drives me crazy sometimes because every thought of him brings a little smile to my face. ......erin put her ring on my finger tonight (haha, that sounds funny, she did it cuz she had to jump in the pool after a girls glasses) and i just kinda looked at it and thought that someday i'll wear a ring like that, a simple circle of silver with a shiny clear stone that means the absolute world to those who give and receive it. I could be wearing it a few years from now or 20....that's the part i don't like. The uncertainty. But i guess it comes with everything.
Alright, well now that my feelings and emotions are even more jumbled than they were before (at least i'm not quite sad any more...now i'm a whole mix of emotion), i'm gonna go to sleep or something. night night

:: 2005 9 July :: 10.47 am

I'm procrastinating writing my thank-you notes...
So i told my mom that i'm talking to my sister again...and about me and ben.
It went surprisingly well considering my brother had already told her about ben and i.........i hate little brothers...with a passion. :-D But at least now its off my chest, and i don't have to lie about where i'm going anymore.

I don't think i'm going to work at the pool next summer.....at all. It's all just falling apart and it's not half as much fun anymore. Plus, Sis has offered me job making a ton more money, where, although i won't be outside, i'll at least have a suitable income! Cause the pool is sucking the life out of me, and its just not worth the amount im making.

Other than the general anger/sadness about the pool, life is going pretty well. Things with ben are going extraordinarily well....he just makes me feel so HAPPY and safe. And crap....i have to go to work...argh...well i'll try to write more later, i haven't updated this thing in quite some time!

:: 2005 2 July :: 1.53 pm

growl :-\

:: 2005 28 June :: 8.30 am

My door is open, i'm trying to talk, but there seems to be noone to talk TO...... :'-(

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2005 27 June :: 9.21 pm

SOMEONE PLEASE EMAIL ME.............I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORED! caity_024@hotmail.com....do it now.

:: 2005 27 June :: 3.15 pm

So i'm at orientation WAY early because my mom refused to listen to me, but i suppose that's okay...this way i get to write everyone and even update this thing! So far everything is going pretty well...i've only met two girls so far, the one i'm rooming with and a random girl who's mom my mom started talking to. They're both quite nice, but i dunno if i'd room with either of them. Haha...as ben would probably ask, they're not threesome material. :-) The dorm rooms are horribly stark and i have the hugest urge to go on a decorating spree...however, without decorating materials, the actual decorating is quite difficult. :-P I'm not really feeling all that well...i think another uti is pretty much here. That sucks, but it can be dealt with...i've had to deal with them before. It's put a temporary damper on the day, but i'm trying to just push it out of my mind and have fun. :-) Alright, well i'm gonna go read, because it's what i do whenever i have a spare second. :-P

:: 2005 26 June :: 8.36 pm

Ok, so i'm finally home early enough where i can type for awhile and not fall asleep on the keyboard!
Busy weekend, so we'll start with friday!
Dinner with my sister was absolutely AWESOME! I can't even describe it. All this time i thought she'd stopped talking to me for all these years, but apparently my dad threatened to have her arrested if she ever talked to me again...so until i turned 18 there was nothing she could do. But now i'm free to talk to her as i wish...noone can stop me. And brett is so cute! And he was such an angel...kept asking for hugs and calling me auntie caity. :-) And there was so much love. Brett was well-behaved, but there was no yelling, no threats, no tears. It was so nice. I want that.

Orientation is tomorrow. i'm excited. I really hope i find a roommate just cuz then id ahve time to get to know her before school actually started. I dunno, we'll see.

Got to spend the night with ben last ngiht, which was absolute heaven! We watched the fireworks at home and then drove out to belvidere. It was so hot and sweet and relaxing and FUN. I love that man so much and every day it just hits me over and over again how lucky i am. He's so good to me and i couldn't ask for anything more. We've kinda indirectly brought up the subject of us getting married again. It scares me a bit, just because of all the bumps we've hit, but he's right - we're stronger from every one of them, and thinking about a life with him is something i could easily do all day. :-) Every bump we have ever hit has just strengthened our bond, helped us understand each other, and really helped us see the world around us isn't always what we expected. But each time we persevered, and now i'm getting a bit stuffy and gooey about this, so i will end with this - THE SEX IS GREAT......hahaha.....just one added perk of him. Because even though the sex really is earth-shattering, without the love we share, the sex would be pointless.

Alright well now i must go pack and get some sleep...because i apparently have to be up at 2.......

:: 2005 23 June :: 6.14 pm

i'm so nervous....i'm going out to dinner with my sister tomorrow. I can't even think straight. And there's a very good chance my grandma told every other family member about us talking, which means all the shit will quite shortly hit the fan. Damnit. Just when something is going well. I'm so terrified. I've talked to her online, yes, but i haven't TALKED to her in probably 6 YEARS. That's a long time.

:: 2005 15 June :: 12.44 am

so the way i figure it, i can sleep when i'm dead. I really should be sleeping right now, as i have to work a bunch tomorrow and then im goin to the movies, but i feel like i should write in here. I got used to writing in here everyday, but with work and everything now, it's hard to even get online every other day! I don't even really have anything interesting to say, and i don't know if i'm going to be repeating myself. Summer is going fine and dandy. I'm meeting my sister (well, again) next friday. Ben's coming with me...i'm scared....he's gonna be my backup/comfort/rock....not that he'll have to do anything...just the fact that he'll be there. I don't know what to expect...and on top of all the craziness going on (planning my grad party and figuring out when the hell i'm working), i feel completely stretched out.

Things with ben have been going good. We don't get to see each other too often, but it could be alot worse, and we're trying to make the most of the time we do get to spend together. Of course, it's a little difficult because by the time we get to see each other, we're both so exhausted that all we want to do is sleep! Oh well...we've actually been going out alot more than we used to, which is kinda fun...this isn't the most perfect balance, because i'd love to see him loads more, but it's not TOO bad. We still get to see each other and talk to each other often...we just gotta fix the sleepy factor...by sleeping..ok, i'm starting to ramble. This is my cue to stop now (especially since it took me 3 minutes to figure out how to spell cue, and i'm even sure if i spelled it right!)

Goodnight...this is much better....i like writing. And typing feels ever so good when im doing it fast...lulls me into relaxation. :-)

:: 2005 9 June :: 11.05 pm

So i finally got into hotmail and got to read my sister's email. It shocks me that i have a nearly 6-year old nephew i haven't seen grow up...Me and my sister were so close...closer than me and my brothers have ever been. And all the way up until that christmas that destroyed everything...well not completely....i was best friends with her. I went to the hospital with her for all of her doctor's appts when she was pregnant, held brett mere hours after he was born. And now he's half-grown and apparently smart as a whip and i've never gotten to see more than pictures at gram's house. Life is interesting. I want to cry...hahaha. I'm so completely odd. This is the most strange ball of emotions i've got right now. Pretty much every last emotion you can think of is in there somewhere! K, i'm gonna go reply to her email. bye bye

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2005 9 June :: 10.37 pm

Wow...today was a long day. I forgot i had to work at chef's until about 10 this morning. I guess it wasn't TOO bad, i'm just kinda tired. I don't know when i wrote a GOOD entry last, so I'll start from six flags, which ROCKED. It was probably the greatest day to go. I don't know how it could have been any better...we went on most of teh rides, and even spent a few hours in hurricane harbor. However....i don't think ben will ever go NEAR american eagle EVER again....he doesn't like rickety rollercoasters (which american eagle definitely is) and it actually jumped the tracks a little twice at the beginning of the ride. :-\ Other than that, I think everyone had a good time. Ben won me a cute little dog at one of the arcade games...he named it valhen...and i love him (well both of them..hehehe). The weather was decent, there weren't too many people, and it just was overall awesome....i wish i could go back and do it over and over again....

Graduation is tomorrow! Finally. I'm kinda excited to see everyone (some of the them for the last time)...this can kinda be like a last goodbye.

I'm talking to sis again. Sis being my sister regi, who i haven't talked to in nearly 6 years. We've just started talking. It's pretty neat...it's nice to know i have a sister again...or rather, that i always had a sister and we were just split up for awhile. There's so much catching up to do...but i'm kinda afraid to talk to her or see her....I've spent the last few years hearing about how awful she is, when i thought she was just fine, and now i pretty much have to keep it quiet so i avoid fights wtih the rest of the family. I don't know why exactly i'm so afraid of hearing her voice or seeing her. I guess it's just weird or something....tugs on the heartstrings...it's something i've never had to deal with before. We'll see how it goes.

K, so this entry wasn't the greatest...but i gotta get back into the writing habit...and the being home early enough to actually write before i fall asleep! night night

:: 2005 9 June :: 12.26 am

hmmmm...too tired to really write anything ...night night :-)

:: 2005 7 June :: 12.11 am

Tonight was so much better...actually pretty much all of today was much better. Except for the fact that i put sunscreen on my shoulders and forgot my forearms...Whats funny is that you can see the streaks where i blended it into my arm...heehee. However, i found out that subway runs are definitely an 'on the clock' event and i get paid to sit up in the AC'd office with megs to work on swim lesson stuff! Woohoo!

K, so things tonight were so much better with ben. I felt none of the 'offness' at all...i think it was just a combo of a whole bunch of crappy factors (tired, headache, not wantinng to leave) that led to me just not being too happy. But i ended up writing ben a long email that relaxed me and once i discovered that i think i just wanted to stay with him, it made sleep come so much easier. And tonight rocked. We bought his six flags ticket (well he did), went to the mall, went to Beefaroo and ended up talking for awhile about random stuff like rollercoasters, came home, and ended up stargazing for awhile......i'm sad though because he saw a shooting star and i missed it...i was busy looking at him...teehee. :-)

Six Flags is tomorrow...whcih i hope will turn out really really well. I'm excited...i didn't go last year at all. And since i need to be up super early to do stuff like clean out my car, im going to hit the sack now so that i'm not exhausted.
Goodnight

:: 2005 6 June :: 12.22 am

Hmmm...so i really should be in bed now. I have to get up and take my bro to school and then i have work for most of the day. But i felt like writing this down because it's bugging me. I went by ben's tonight...and nearly the whole time he kept asking what was wrong with me and i thought something was wrong with him. I was sad to leave (well, i always am...) but this time it was cause i felt like i wasn't done there or something. I don't know. I think it's all just because we were both so tired and my head is really bugging me. Plus i'm nervous because he suddenly has the endurance of a camel...it makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong or not good enough...but i think that's just because we haven't done it half as much lately.

Alright...that feels a little better to have off my chest. I just started thinking about when i left his house...and i don't know...things just seemed weird tonight...like something was off. I'm thinking it's just stemming from overtiredness though....

Argh...i think i need to go email him or something...i feel off. And i don't know why...but i feel like i shouldn't have left...or something......i dunno.

:: 2005 5 June :: 8.34 pm

lalalala...today was fun...had nichole's grad party and picked up my schedule from the pool. And watched the second tomb raider movie. Nichole's was alright...i was bombarded by little kids who dragged me away to play soccer (i dont really care for nichole's friends so i avoided them) and constantly made fun of by the brothers. :-) They're such butts... I guess my day was kinda bland actually. The party was nothing spectacular...i pray mine is loads better, but it was okay. Just not really anything to do.
Picked up my schedule at the pool. I work everyday but friday and sunday. Which is actually kinda nice because i think ben has off sundays for the most part too. :-) I still want more hours...but i don't know how many i'm gonna get through swim lesson stuff. Right now i've got 40 for the 2 weeks and i definitely want to get as close to 80 as possible. well actually with inservices, i could have up to 44...which isn't much more, but hey its that much closer. I'm just gonna live at the pool all summer. :-) except for fridays and sundays.

The only part that sucks about my schedule is that thurs and sat i work from 1130-330, and then i got to chef's at 5...and htere could be more hours inbetween all that with swim lessons. It's all gonna be SOOOOO crazy for the first two weeks or so until i get into a pattern. It guess it's kinda nice ot have a steady weekly schedule though...now i can plan aound it. :-)

Hmmmm..ben's home...but he's still with the boys (or back with them rather) John kinda creeps me out...when they picked ben up on friday, he was touching my sides and stuff when he hugged me....even though ben was huggin and kissin me...he's yucky (john, not ben). I kinda wanna see ben...if only to animalistically rape him. bwahahahahahahaha....i'm kinda alot horny and in the mood for some completely hot, ravenous fucking. Like throw him on the ground, bite and scratch a tiny bit, rip his clothes off and ravage him. I feel horrible writing that...very naughty. ;-)

bye bye

:: 2005 5 June :: 12.41 am

just a short entry for tonight as it is quite late and im very tired. First day at the pool was today! only worked for half the shift though cuz it started storming. Oh well. Not too big of a loss. I'm still kinda pissed about the manager thing, but it's not too bad just yet, so we will see. Ohter than that, i didn't do too much today. watched a few movies and just relaxed. Pretty lazy of me, but i did alot of little random stuff...deposited my check, ordered more stuff for the grad party, filled out all the announcements and invites, took care of kittens, did some laundry...and so on and so forth. And i spent a bunch of time online trying to decipher more financial shit and working on the rpg with omar. He's amusing...he answers all my stupid questions and even let me pick colors for the chat area...hahaha...theyre not the greatest colors, but whatever.
tomorrow i get to go up to wisconsin for nichole's grad party....i don't know how that's gonna go since i'm not too big on any of her friends. They're all pretty much sleazy druggies. Icky. Oh well...ill just try to chill with the brothers maybe, and if not, i'll just bring a book or somethin and kick it in the basement. :-D
Ben comes home tomorrow (i think)....its insane to think he's spent all of today and last night fighting off people....i hope they're finally sleeping...im such a mom. hahaha....i take care of everyone!
Alright...well i'm starting to ramble slightly so ill stop now before it gets incomprehensible......and i don't think i spelled that word right. hahaha. night night.

:: 2005 3 June :: 11.47 pm

happier of 2 entries
Ok, so the entry i just wrote 5 minutes ago was nto very happy at all. Hence the subject line of this one. I'm so agitated i could sceram...all because people can't mind hteir own business and stay the fuck out of mine. Growl. Whatever. I had hoped that as soon as highschool was done i would NEVER have to hear James' name uttered....but things don't always go how i would plan. And now, according to allix's mom, i have to watch what i say online, because who knows who could read it and miscontrue every last fucking word... FUCK THAT...i will still type whatever i want because that is what i have always done on here. If you find it offensive or critical, STOP READING. For those of you who are THOROUGHLY confused....someone's mom has threatened to take legal action (which seems to be being threatened quite often in the past few weeks) against 'whoever' made a 'death threat' on a journaling site. Goddamn folks, get a day job. And you knwo what really pisses me off?? Stupid people have to go and interrupt my little world, just for something to do...thats how boring and dull their lives are....they'd rather scour through everyone else's shit.

Anyway, back to typicality...today was another productive day. Went to the fitness center this morning, talked to kathy, megs, AND molly about pool stuff, got my suit for this year (omg, talk about a permanent wedgie, these suits are AWFUL :-\), cleaned up my room another little bit, located 2 of 6 kittens, went to ToysRUs and bought toys for swim lessons, picked up my brother, bashed the pool a bit with megs, and even got to see ben for about an hour....oh wait and went and saw madagascar....which isn't all that great. Went and saw that with joseph...haven't hugn out with that kid in a long time and i figured it was that or sit around and do nothing all night. The movie won.

Ben was very 'touchy' tonight....not touchy like antsy or agitated, but touchy like hugging me and caressing my face...it made me feel amazing.... :-D I don't know if he was trying extra hard due to my entry bout bethany, but it was awesome all the same. I actually saw her today at the fitness center...she's apparently a camp counselor...i didn't really get a chance to talk to her though...kathy was busy talking my ear off. :-P

I finally! get to work at the pool tomorrow...well maybe, it depends if it storms or not. :-\ I'm pretty excited about that....its pretty much all or nothing this year so we will see how that goes down.

Ben's gone all weekend...which kinda makes me sad, but i got to see him today which i wasn't counting on, and i'm busy enough that i'll be content....besides, before today, i hadn't really seen him all week. I'm kinda sad cuz months ago this summer loomed with prospects of working and hanging out with ben alot, but work has kinda overtaken us...so its harder to see each other as much...but thats alright...i haven't really noticed any problems at all. :-)

Ooooo...plus we get to go to six flags on tuesday! Yay!
Ok, i'm gonna go....need a shower and sleep and such....night night

:: 2005 3 June :: 11.36 pm

If your name is James (hey look i can use 'your' in the RIGHT context), read this!
Alright, so apparently anything i say nowadays can be construed as a death threat, even when no name is attached and smiley faces surround the comment. >:-( I'm so sick of this fucking town....everyone has to snoop around in places just to TRY to find something to accuse someone else of. Guess what James??? i don't want you to die! i think you are an absolutely horrible person....but to be brutally honest, i made that fucking comment on myspace because it was an ongoing joke between me and ben. AT the time, it had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!!! DOES THAT MAKE YOU SAD??? THAT YOU'RE NOT AT THE CNETER OF EVERYONE ELSE'S UNIVERSE?!?!??!?!? I don't care what you do as long as you stay the hell out of my life. Stop trying to think i want to destroy you.... I would never want anyone on this earth (no matter how horrible, and you top the list) to die any earlier than they are meant to. i hate that you have disturbed my night by this information getting to me....i really really wish you would just stay out of my business. All you have done is make allix miserable. I wish she never would have met you.

:: 2005 2 June :: 11.23 pm
:: Mood: agitated

Hey...don't read this...it will only frustrate and probably anger you....

so i realized that for the past few weeks i haven't been choosing my mood....hahaha. Kinda a blah day...made $60 at work..but i was there till almost 1030. Last day i get to work with adam...that made me sad. That kid is SO great...such a sweetheart and so hardworking...and still a virgin believe it or not. Someday he's going to make some girl very very happy...oh and he's cute to boot.

I'm kinda sad because ben's leaving for the weekend and i probably won't get to see him before he leaves. :-\ Oh well...i guess i'll live. Him and tris amused me today...just showed up at my door and said, "lets go, we're goin to lunch." Of course, then i was saddened because as is the case now, i got to hear about bethany... Don't get me wrong...i love the girl...she's downright adorable and sweeter than sugar. However, everytime i hear her name now, i think, "oh shes got red hair...which according to ben is the hottest thing EVER...dangit" and now i kinda just want to delete this whole entire part because im pretty sure ben's just going to be exasperated when he reads it or else get angry...but quite honestly everytime i hear her name, my self-esteem hits the ground for the rest of the day...chef even noticed something was wrong with me!!!!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok...im done venting. I hate that i think that because like every other human being who has ever met bethany, i love her to death. She's sweet and hot and funny and innocent all rolled into one precious package...growl...whatever now im just upsetting myself so im going to talk about something else. (im seriously considering deleting this whole entry...)

Anyways...other than that little blip life is going pretty okay. Pool season starts saturday. I have to go pick up my suit and get my schedule from kathy tomorrow.

Six flags is HOPEFULLY gonna happen on tuesday. I just gotta get ahold of everyone and do times and costs and drivers and all that stuff. Hopefully it will all work out...if it does, it will be alot of fun i think.

My car is FINALLY gonna get fixed. I wanted to take it in tomorrow, but they can't do ti till the 8th...i guess this is time of year to get in an accident.

K, i can't really think of anything else to write about...maybe ill write more later.

:: 2005 1 June :: 11.10 pm

Lalalalala...im erally tired again. :-) Too much lifeguarding. i want to go to the fitness center tomorrow, but i don't have money and i have to pay for june.....argh. :-( and i wanted to see ben, but he has to work and i have to work....ok...thats enough complaining.

schools over...but it doesnt really feel like it. I don't think it will hit me until i get to sleep in tomorrow...or maybe it won't hit me until the first day of classes at nmu. Who knows. All i know is im glad im done....even if i don't realize it yet. Growl...i have to go through and delete any mention of full names because somewhere in here i used a friend's full name and now everyone uses google to hunt down this journal....i never wanted people i know to read it.......! not unless i knew about it..........this is the ONE place wehre i can say WHATEVER I want without worrying about any repercussions.

Purr....ben's the geratest...i say that alot. Which apparently can be a bad thing, because if he's hears it all the time, he won't realize how special it should be, which it really is. I love him so much....and he's just so amazing.....goodnight

:: 2005 31 May :: 11.06 pm

:'-( damnit........i definitely just deleted a whole page worth of journal writing!!!!!!!!!!!! gah! i hate when that happens!!!!!!!!! its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrating! Argh...ok well start over.

I'm incredibly tired today. Lifeguard training right after school definitely drained me. but it was so nice to be back in the pool, with all the people i know and love. I got a little sunburned too. You can almost see the freckles i actually have (heehee...i never thought i'd get them...my mom has alot). Allix thinks they're adorable...i'm not so sure...im not really a 'freckle girl.' Oh well....they won't get too obvious for awhile yet.

Even though i'm excited about the pool season, theyre are two things that are really dragging me down.

1) The fact that i'm not a manager this summer is really upsetting. Noone will come to me for help this summer, i won't get to deal with unruly patrons, and basically, i won't get to LEAD. I wanted a leadership position SO badly this summer...and i was overlooked. It makes me feel inadequate, even though the reasons managers were chosen don't fit the position.

2) I've lost my best friend....allix barely ever talks to me anymore, and when she does find 2 spare minutes to chat, the conversation is really quite dull and forced. She just kinda does whatever she wants and expects me to be waiting in the wings... :-(

What makes me very sad is that if this summer is bad enough, it will be my last. I just can't work there if i don't love it. Plus, after all the work i've put into there, i really don't want to be an underling...i wanted to eventually take molly's position...but right now i'm still stuck at the bottom.... :-(

ONLY ONE DAY LEFT!!!!! yay! I've pretty much cleaned out my locker and everything...just have one book to turn in, and a bunch of random clothes to take home. I've almost got all of the signature pages full in my senior memory book. The only one that's still completely blank is the one for ben to write on. I figure there's no way he'll write a full page....he writes really small, but he said it would be something good, and he definitely deserves a whole page, even if he only writes on half of it. :-)

We KINDA figured out a couple times to see each other next year. Actually more like i sat down with my fun little planner and figured out when i'm coming home....ill be home obviously for thanksgiving and xmas...theres a weekend in october i think i'll come home...but i dont think i'll tell my family im gonna be home. whats really cool is that my last class of the week is on thursdays and it ends at 1240...so if i get a ride somehow...i could be home by 800 that night. not having a car could really screw me over. It's gonna be hard to not tell my parents im coming home if i fly home.

I've been writing really long entries lately. I don't think (i hope not) theyre not nearly as complainy...theyre just long. I've gotten quite talkative. I think it has to do with not talking to allix as much, or anyone else even for that matter. oh well....it gives me something to look back at when i'm bored.

Alright i'm gonna go to bed....i took a 20 minute cat nap, but i'm still pretty tired. night night....after tomorrow morning i can sleep in for the rest of the week!!!!!!!!!

:: 2005 30 May :: 9.57 pm

Today was great! Not only is band completely OVER!, but i got to spend time at the pool getting paid to tan and i got to spend a good amount of time with benji! And there's only 2 days left of school!!!!

I got sunburned a little today...that's the only downside...its not too bad though...i jsut feel warm.

Ahhhhh........i'm so content right now. Well.....i have a bunch of stuff to pay for and no money....but other than THAT i'm content....i'm trying not to worry too much about the money thing....it'll come in time.

Hmmm...so i read somewhere that to help LDR happiness (long-distance relationship), plan 2 or 3 dates in the future when you'll see each other....it gives you something to look forward to and not be as sad. Can you tell i'm working kinda hard on this?? It's gonna be insanely tough....so i figure i'll read up on stuff now so that i'm a little better prepared for the pain and loneliness...It pretty much comes down to staying busy, talking, and trusting each other. There's apparently alot of LDR's that actually end up stronger than before after being forced to live far away from each other. I have faith. :-)

My eyes are burning....i think its from the sun and heat today in those stupid uniforms...but NO MORE!!!!!!! YAY! K, i think i'm gonna go try and figure out one weekend to see ben (might as well start planning now)...we'll see.

Night night...actually ill probably write more later.

:: 2005 29 May :: 11.38 pm

I killed a kitty today...i think. I was just on my way home from ben's and the stupid thing ran right in front of me! :-( That put a slightly sad note to the end of the night. The rest of the day was excellent though.

Pool cleaning this morning rocked. We cleaned out the entire office and redecorated a bit. Stupid park people painted the girls and boys bathroom floors neon orange! Why anyone would do that is beyond us. Not only does it show EVERY last spec of dirt (even after cleaning it, normal dust showed up after 10 minutes!), but whoever painted it did a horrible job. It looks SO trashy and kathy won't let us paint over it! My house had a number of odd things taken from it (old towels and a roto-tiller) to help fix up the pool. I think my parents got sick of seeing me drive up asking for something else...heehee.

Went shopping with ben and mike after that. That was fun, but kinda tiring and it was crappy outside, which increased the sleepy factor! :-) Got parts of birthday/graduation shopping done. Still have alot of stuff to buy and not alot of money, but in a few weeks that will hopefully be changing. On the ride home, mike fell asleep. I'm kinda just randomly writingn things that happened throughout the day...the only reason i'm online is cuz i'm waiting for clothes to wash.

After we got home, me and ben took like a 2 hour nap...very refreshing...and then we just kinda relaxed for the rest of the night. We watched Extreme makeover: home edition and rented ladder 49 (such a good, sad, sobering movie), got some good old mcdonald's, and cuddled... :-D

Oooooo...jill got in a horrible accident last ngiht....she's ok, but two people in the other car died. :-(

Band tomorrow. Don't really wanna go...let's check the weather...............says rain all morning...let's hope for a miracle.

Ok, i think i've run out of things to say...other than going on for a bit about ben some more (just because i love him so much and this way i dont piss off my friends by talking about him ALL the time)....hahaha....Ladder 49 is an insanely sobering movie for me cause ben wants to be a cop...which isn't EXACTLY the same, but it's guns or fire, pick your poison. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, stop reading for a few lines.....the main character dies in the end, and watching it just kinda hits me hard (it shows how much worry the wife has to go through, always scared that the red car will show up saying he died)....but its also kinda cool, because for as terrifying as the thought is...i can also feel very very proud of him for being strong and willing enough to want to stick himself in that position to save others' lives. :-)

I'm off to sleep now....the clothes can wait...im tired.

:: 2005 28 May :: 10.51 pm

Blah...so tired. Got to spend most of the day with ben today...that was alot of fun..except when we tried to take a nap, things kept interrupting us...we still got to sleep for about an hour though. We're going shopping tomorrow...(hmmm, but i just realized that with pool cleaning, i can't go till like 1230...) I think hes out playing airsoft (maybe? not really sure)...can't get ahold of him to remind him.

Only 2 more days of school! Yea thats all i got on that one

So rumor is that kathy is going to 'de-managerize' ricky, and annette said everyone was talking at flatlander after pool cleaning this morning and i'm the vote to take ricky's place. That would rock! I don't know if it would make a difference in what my summer would be like, but to actually have the title of mananger would be good (resumes and stuff...). Pool cleaning is quite early in the morning...8-12...but i guess today they played roofball (a favorite at marengo pool) for most of the morning.......and got paid for it! We're kinda bad at scamming the pool out of money. We always find ways of playing and getting paid. bwahahaha

Work wasn't all that great....had to stay till 10 and only made 70 dollars...for the amount of people i had, i should have broke 100...but everyone was ordering crap like sandwiches and pizzas instead of specials... :-( Oh well...pool season (steady income) starts in a week.

Ok, i'm exhausted...too much play this morning and not a long enough nap! heehee...thats okay, it was well worth it. I'm so insanely in love....it's terrifying with college coming up, but i realized theres nothing i can do about it except work for it....so that it what i shall do...interesting quote: "Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold...It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for an eternity with the one they love...It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it even if they don't see it nearly enough." I love it.

Night night. :-)

:: 2005 27 May :: 10.04 pm

Wow...i feel like a loser...its 10:05 pm, and i'm the only one online...literally. Not too great of a night either. Work sucked and I feel absolutely horrible because i forgot to give the boys jen's number(s). :-( And i can't get ahold of them on tris's phone now.

Ben is being oh-so-amazingly sweet. I don't really know why...but I love it! He leaves little like 3 line emails that absolutely make my day (its as good as getting roses on a bad day, and much cheaper! heehee) and...i dunno, he's just more playful i guess. I don't know if he's TRYING, or if its just happening naturally. I'll probably ask him. We went to lover's lane last night and bought the toy we've been meaning to get for nearly 3 months!!!!!! :-D It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME! It will never be as good as plain good old lovemakin :-), but it is DEFINITELY a nice touch!

Hmmm....this isn't really a bad thing or a good thing...its just a thought...and seeing as how this journal is where i scrawl my thoughts, its going to randomly go here...
Last night at dinner, ben said (i know this is COMPLETELY random, but jake's online now, which means im not quite as big of a loser for being the only one with no life tonight :-P)....that he told tris about our little party after valentines day. (i don't mind that, i love tris to pieces and trust him) However, instead of immediately remembering all the fun we had, I remembered the next morning: lying in bed with ben, just talking and he said "when." Instead of saying 'if we ever get married', he said, 'when we get married.' He also said that everything was good after the whole new year's thing. Now, this whole entire thing doesn't even really have anything to do with ben, well it does......but it's mainly to do with me. It shows me how uncertain my future is. I don't even really know why i'm mentioning this...i guess it just stuck in my mind because it really is the first thing i thought of when ben mentioned that...is that wrong?? I'm a girl...i focus on the emotion behind things...probably too much sometimes...but that little moment, when the sun was coming in the window and lighting up one side of his face, quietly whispering so as not to wake dan....it just stuck and i wish with all my heart that it could be the way thinngs go, but that will take time to see. I guess i just wanted to write it down, see if it made more sense in black and white, but now im just thinking about it more. I remember everything about that morning. :-)

This weekend is pretty packed. I gotta work tomorrow, need to go shopping on sunday, need to study a bit sunday, band on monday, cleaning at the pool on sunday, and hopefully im going to see ben tomorrow morning/afternoon. I'm quite tired...i suppose its from work...i really didnt want to be there tonight, it wasnt any fun at all and i made less money than i did on wednesday! :'-( Oh well...there's always tomorrow, and at least then marie will be working.

goodnight :-)

:: 2005 25 May :: 9.36 pm

Hmmm...so im a smart cookie. I called ben (well actually i called tristan, i ended up not even talking to ben) and exclaimed my joy at making $67 in tips tonight. Then i came home.........and was called a stupid dumb bitch, two-bit whore, dumbass, and a number of other expletives. However, because i called someone beforehand and got a chance to laugh and smile, the names don't really bug me that much. Yea, it hurts alot to be called names, especially by your own father...but he's an asshole and he's half-dead anyway. The only sad part is that his actions and way of life have led me to have almost no faith system in god whatsoever.... :-\

Anyway, on to happier things. June is going to be CRAZY busy. There's so much going on! Graduation parties, work, work, work, work, did i mention work, and still finding hopefully LOTS of time to spend with ben. I don't really plan on being at my house much at all this summer....hmmm speaking of house (i don't call mine home), i may have freaked ben out a bit (couldnt really tell, he was half asleep), cuz i said that at the instant he was holding me, i was home. Home is where the heart is....

I've allowed myself to be safe around him. That takes some explaining though, because at first it doesn't make sense. K, after what happened (i don't like to call it bluntly, and other than that i dont know what else i would call it) I built a small wall. It hasn't been anything big....i haven't kept things from him or been distant (at least i hope not). Well the distant maybe a little. I made myself stay further from him than i used to. I haven't been as touchy feely, as kissy, as "i want you and need you right now"....I just wanted to make sure that i wouldnt be hurt. But now the wall has crumbled and i feel closer to him again. I don't know when or why it happened...well i take that back. I think he helped...we've been a little goofier lately, and he's been incredibly sweet. I believe i'm rambling a bit, but i dont really know how to say all of this. Its hard to describe. I give up...i guess ill just tell him about it, because after reading this, he'll probably think im nuts :-D. Basically, i'm just....okay now. I had some remaining fears about him, i didn't want to just fall right back into his arms...so i protected myself a little, let myself be a little less available, even though every second of every day i wanted to run over there and jump into his arms. I kinda wonder if he even noticed it. But now........gah i dont even know, its just gone...or its back depending on which way youre looking at it. My fears are gone....the unconditional trust and love has returned. It could destroy me again some day....but i love him with all my heart, and i guess thats jsut a chance i will have to take. <3

night night

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