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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 24 May :: 11.20 pm

I should be sleeping right now...damn. Heehee. Spending extra time with ben is worth losing an hour of sleep. Sleep can be made up. :-) Pretty much everything is done now. Well, not bio....but that doesnt really take much effort...other than that, i just have to fix my college writing paper and turn it in tomorrow and then im done. PUrrr....there was something else i had to do tonight...oh..email that story to mr. bob....ok, im going to bed now. sorry this is so abysmally short and boring...im sleepy. night night

:: 2005 23 May :: 11.23 pm

hmmm...so i think my boyfriend died...not really...he goes out with the boys and pretty much just kinda disappears. I hope he's having fun with his crazy new game. I finally finished my senior memory book. I was up until 445 this morning. And i wrote a 7page paper. The senior memory book ROCKS. I love it SOOOOOOOOOO much. And the things people are writing at the back are so sweet and perfect. I love it. If you read the last (next) entry, i was kinda upset earlier. I'm still upset, because there are currently 3 kittens outside dying slowly because their mother will not feed them and there is nothing i can do about it. :'-( Its very very upsetting and makes me want to cry alot, and on top of all of the other stress im under, im ready to collapse.
I know I promised not to complain as much, but this is insane. I need a break....a nap and pampering. My back is tight, my head hurts, and when i woke up from a 20 minute nap today, my jaw was killing me because i'd been grinding and locking it while i slept. It still hurts.
I just need a little R&R...badly hahaha.

I'm having a graduation party...yay! It's gonna be really small, like 20 people including family, but the ones who i want to be there are the really important ones....the others i dont really care about...bwahahahah.

Ok, well i relaly need sleep...if your name is ben and its not past 1230 call me...if it is past then, je'taime and goodnight.

night night

:: 2005 23 May :: 8.06 pm

Watching a helpless kitten die when you too are helpless is the most awful feeling in the world. This on top of only 2 hours of sleep last night and my dad bugging me to go get him cigarettes.

If god exists, he is a truly demonic fuck.

:: 2005 22 May :: 11.02 pm

Hey if you know me and you know for a fact that i haven't TOLD you you could read this....GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!....this is my place to write, not yours to read! I don't want to be judged for what i say so please just stop being rude and exit out of this window...never come here again...i don't really want to have to make all of these entries private...ill know if you've looked at this...don't make this a big thing...please. Just leave me with my own private spot...go get your own if necessary, but don't use mine.

ANYWAY! BEN'S HOME! YAY! and im back to being sex happy! hahahaha. Actually it wasnt TOO bad that he was gone for like 4 days. I got to talk to him every night and I knew I'd get to see him sooner or later. The actual seeing him rocked, because seeing him made realize i DID miss him and i just hugged and kissed him and .... :-D yea....bwahahaha. Red bull is SO good~! Tonight was REALLY neat with ben though. We got to have some good old fashioned fun! and we also got a bit of cuddling/goofy time in. He was really sweet, and there was lots of laughing...it was neat. Perfect balance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! finally!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! actually we've had it before...i just left his house feeling perfectly content and happy...it was so great. Not that i wanted to leave...but....senior memory book must get done eventually...preferably within the next 9 hours because its due! :-D

Hmmmm...what else is new....pool season is well under way and though the newbies are kinda shy and confused, they'll get better...well i hope. There's two kids who are rocking it up already..i. love them! Hmmm...i have to wrok 4 days this week as opposed to two. That kinda sucks alot, because stuff is REALLY cramming into this next like 5 weeks. There's school and work and ben and graduation and graduation parties and the little bit of homework left....argh. Oh and orientation. Yikes. Just gotta fill in my little planner and try not to get too caught up in it all. Gotta keep a little focused till it all slows down....which it probably never will! lol. oh well. I'm having a really good week....other than a few down moments here and there, i've been fairly happy for actually maybe more than a week now...i think it's because i'm making a conscious effort to not complain and not spaz. :-D NIGHT NIGHT!

:: 2005 18 May :: 11.19 pm

I know this is a completely random tangent, but i haven't really been in a sex-crazed mood lately.
hahaha. if you want to stop reading now, please go ahead. ...ill wait...k.
We've been SOOO tired lately that we've been doing alot of actual cuddling/sleeping. He's finally gaining back all of his energy, but i've slipped into this comfy habit of the cuddling and i'm still tired, so i'm reluctant to get out of it....but i feel bad. I know he wants to play, and i'm more than happy to, it's just that a) his parents have been home ALOT recently, which means i have to be quiet and we can't have as much fun and b) i'm still tired. I'm hoping after this weekend, everything will be a-ok. Pretty much all of my assignments will be done, and i'll get some sleep/rest/relaxation/CLEANING done. I think the messiness of my life right now in general is tiring me out. My room is an absolute disaster... :-\ So hopefully ill find some time this weekend to work on it and get everything all normal so that play time is REALLY play time. :-)

Hmmm, there is one thing that does bug me though: when we mess around right before i go home...it makes everything feel kinda impersonal...i love even 5 minutes of cuddling before i have to leave...im always sad when we screw around and then rush out the door so that im not TOO late. That's not to say i don't like messing around ;-), but i think i'm gonna talk to be about trying to leave like the last 10 minutes for relaxing and cuddling.

Alright, well i'm tired and so i'm going ot go finish the rest of one chapter in my senior memory book and hten im going ot bed. :-) night night

:: 2005 18 May :: 2.13 pm

Roar! :-D I'm in a good mood today. Hmm well wait, here lemme get the bad out of the way. I got 11/23 on my bio quiz...definitely NOT good. :-( Yea thats about all that's bad though....oh wait, and ben's going back to indiana this weekend for work (then again, my weekend is packed, so this isnt really a bad thing...)

What's good~ everything. Well, for the most part. I've got a good start on my senior memory book (4 full chapters are done, i kinda wanna show someone...just so i can actually fully feel the accomplishment of starting it!) and i've got a few more of the picture sections done. I absolutely love it. It's so imperfect and cluttery and ME! :-D It makes me happy. hmmm...lets see here, OH! My college writing paper AND memory book were both due Monday, but she moved the paper up till wed! YAY! The Humanities mini i'm in is mrs. zarnikow teaching classical music. It's an hour out of my day where i get to listen to classical music (i love it!) and write or read...SOOO relaxing! There's only 8 school days left! Yay! Ben is being such a sweetie...ive gotten two emails in two days! It makes my day to see his email address in my inbox...of course the subject line 'hey poop' would make ANYONE'S day! hahahah.... :-D

I'm ever so happy right now...this exact moment. I'm all smiley and goofy and i can't wait to get out of school and go to my house (i don't really call it home), hopefully see ben before he leaves, ....ooo maybe show HIM my book...lol, work on my senior memory book and paper and just kinda chill out. Oh, and do Bio as well....so much homework. I just have to start managing my time. Actually, i'm going to stop writing and go read the other chapter i have left in biology...this way i can do the study guides in 1st and 7th hour tomorrow and not have to study at all tomorrow night! :-)

YAY

:: 2005 17 May :: 3.37 pm

Wasting time waiting for my work shirt to finish washing...

Two sweet things today. I got the sweetest email from ben today...well, ok, it wasn't sweet in words, but i was kinda in a down mood and it completely brightened my day... :-D I was sad in 6th hour (just kinda tired and bored and ready for the day to end) and i got his email just saying hi and hoping htat i was having a good day. It brought a huge smile to my face. Maybe its a good thing he only emails me rarely....this way, when he does, i REALLY appreciate them. :-)
Other sweetest thing was more something i did that makes me feel good...took the boys drinks...hahaha so simple. I knew ben and tris were working , so i drove by and asked them if theyd like drinks...proceeded to get them both cokes from mickey d's... And i even got a hug and a kiss out of it! Woohoo! :-D I love doing little things like that for ben. Let him know that at pretty much any moment of the day, when he's tired and exhausted, i'm there thinking about him! heehee

Hmmm...ok, well shirt is done...gonna go crash for 20 minutes before work...

:: 2005 16 May :: 6.31 pm

K, so i was looking about two journal entries back and i definitely wrote the word 'nappy' near the end...hmm. Maybe i was inhaling gas fumes or something. :-)

I'm frustrated....James keeps being completely abusive and mean to allix, and katie and james are probably going to hook up and im very sick of dealing with it...allix loves james and can't just walk away from him, so she keeps taking his abuse...i can't stand it, but i don't know what to do. I listen, but that's not helping anything. i'm kinda stuck here with nowhere to go and no way of helping her. :-\

Other than that...life is going ok. School is still drowning me ( i have a cat test that I am DEFINITELY going to not pass tomorrow....), but at this point, i'm just done. I don't want to do any of it anymore...i feel bad for mrs. zarnikow because my papers that im turning in now are utter nonsense...no joke. They're horribly random and crazy. But i'm done. As long as i pass with decent grades...im fine! This is what i've spent all year working for....a little leeway at the end. :-)

Senior memory book is due monday...part of me wants to do it...actually id be working on it right now, but i can't find my pens! Growl...my room is SUCH a disaster! :-0 These last two weeks are going to be hell i think...but eh...then it will be summer, time to kick back, watch the kiddies in the pool, spend some time with ben and prepare for college.

Me and ben talked yesterday about college and stuff - 'ground rules' if you will and just general thoughts. We're going to try and talk every night, but if not (due to busy schedules) we'll at least try to keep in contact with emails (FINALLY, I'll get an email from that man! He used to write the SWEETEST ones!! :-D) We're also getting webcams, so it won't feel like we're COMPLETELY separated. We're gonna try to see each other once a month...i think i'll go crazy in between! heehee Hmmm what else? We're gonna have to learn to communicate really well....(i can think of one case while we were talking online...i typed something that was meant to be funny and he took it serious...it turned into a very short and angered conversation)...it will be a little hard, but hopefully we'll overcome it. Oh, and we're going to tell each other if we're going to go out drinking (or even just out for drinks with the guys/girls). I think that's about it. It doesn't seem like a whole lot, but i think we're trusting enough to, well, trust each other. (yes thats right, for all of you keeping track, i DO trust him again, even though the thought kinda scares me a little...its just who i am...i can't not trust him, im in love with him and the two go hand in hand). :-)

Ok...well, i'm gonna go try to find those dang pens....i really want to get this thing done!

later

:: 2005 14 May :: 11.37 pm

WOOHOO! We played airsoft tonight and i actually DIDN'T DIE!!!! :-D I'm so proud of myself! :-D heehee. It was kinda lame at first (boarders don't approve when there's shooting going on) but it got better and turned out to be fun. Then me, amanda, ben, and dan went and saw 'kicking and screaming.' It was pretty good...had its hysterical moments and its weird ones. :-\

Lifeguard training rocked this morning/afternoon...damn i had a busy day!!!! Anyway, all the old guards are back and its just so awesome...i love work. lol. The new guards (or potential guards) are okay...i dunno, we haven't really worked with them too much yet. The only thing that makes me sad is that amber is lifeguarding....i just don't like her at all. She needs to show SOME, ANY modesty...please?! But oh well...if i have to work with her, i have to work with her and thats that. Shes certainly not going to ruin my summer. Oh, and im still kinda upset about the manager stuff (since ricky, josh, and carmen all superiorly failed the written test we took today! Come on boys, this your THIRD year, its not like anything has CHANGED!) Argh. Oh well...kathy's mistake, and as long as it doesnt hurt me or my pay, then whatever....

K, my contacts are really bugging me and i'm kinda sleepy (I GET TO SLEEP IN TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so i think im just gonna go to bed early (well for a sat night).....if anyone calls me before 10 am, you will not live to see noon....thats not a promise or a threat, its a statement of fact... :-l Goodnight! :-D (i now have to go nurse the tiny airshot welts on my butt from a certain 'sweet' man of mine shooting me multiple times without mercy in the butt.... :-P )

:: 2005 13 May :: 3.58 pm

Why am i SO tired?! My sleep is all screwed up and i'm absolutely exhausted! thank god for redbull :-)

School's almost over! and pool season (well training at least) starts tomorrow! And there's (hopefully it wont get rained out) a Bonfire at dan's tonight! (Growl....my brother's going...)

ok....so im gonna go take a nap because thats how exhausted i am...i feel like a retard...lol. Plus, i wanna actually be AWAKE when i see ben. I feel like a loser cuz i keep getting super sleepy when we hang out. So, ill go nappy now, so that i can be up all night and having fun...hmm hopefully i won't sprain my ankle again! :-D

:: 2005 11 May :: 9.34 pm

Im too tired to write....had a good night tonight...went and got my car looked at and then relaxed with ben. And now i desperately need sleep. Still too much to do, but i think im juggling fairly well....in about a week it will probably crash on my head, but then ill just deal with it and not sleep. night night. :-)

:: 2005 9 May :: 9.22 pm

I hate him, i hate him, i hate him! I try and try to focus on staying positive and being happy, but there's ALWAYS something! i never get a fucking break! I'm so sick of not being happy! Why the fuck don't i deserve happiness??? I even TRY...TRY to ignore everything that is bad in my life, but then something else just gets added and i'm right back where i started!

This journal entry was supposed to be good. Me saying i'm going to forget all of this SHIT that surrounds me and try as hard as i can to focus on the good. So fuck it. Ignore the above paragraph.

College is 109 days from now. That is extremely bittersweet. Sad because i will be moving 7 hours away from the man i am deeply in love with, but happy because i will be escaping the chains that have tied me down and depressed me my entire life. I'm hoping that moving away from ben will actually be a good thing...although that is hard to imagine. However, if we're far away from each other, we can grow on our own and hopefully learn to communicate extraordinarily well. Getting webcams will help (we'll be able to see each other's face every day or so) and setting some 'ground rules' will help. It will be an incredibly bumpy road, but you know what, after everything we've gone through already, this will hopefully be manageable.

One of the reasons i'm actually pushing away any sadness whatsoever is ben. He is so good, listening to my constant stream of worries and spasms and i just don't think he deserves that. I don't want to drag him down when he's in a good mood. If anything, i want exactly the opposite.

Pool season is starting. I'm hoping that this summer will be good. I am afraid i may be a little on my own...but such is life and it's just a job after all. Kathy says we're probably going to get a 50 cent raise. That's still not great pay, but if i did it for the money, it wouldn't be the same. I do it because i love what i'm doing...even cleaning toilets. :-)

Hmmm what else is there? There's only 15 school days left! Of course, there's about a semester's worth of work crammed into those 15 days, but i'm working on that one.

Band is pretty much done now. As long as he exempts seniors from memorial day (i can't remember if we play there or not) i don't ever have to perform ever again. It's sad how much joy that gives me. :-P

Ok, well now i'm going to go study for a bit longer. AP Chem is tomorrow. I don't really know if i'm going to do as well as i want, but if not, then i will just deal with general chem my first year...or maybe not. I may just get my general classes out of the way freshman year, and worry about my major later (since my certainty in that is fading).

Wish me luck tomorrow. *There see.....i can MAKE myself happy.

:: 2005 8 May :: 10.49 pm

Growl...another bad mood...finishing off a bad weekend. :-( Me and ben were having a spectacular time kickin back...and then my parents called. They made me come home at 10...i haven't been home that early in ages. I'm 18!

i have no idea whatsoever what i am doing with my life.

screw this. i don't want to write anymore. all it is is complaining. noone wants to read this much sadness.

:: 2005 7 May :: 8.04 pm

talk about a crap night. I made 30 dollars at work, found out one saturday out of the month i won't be working because chelsea (chef's cousin) is back from school, im home at fricken 800, i'd love more than anything right now to see ben, but i cant get a hold of him, and my mom keeps making comments when she thinks im not listening about how i'll be gone in awhile and it'll all be fine. And now every one is yelling in the kitchen......argh. i need to go for a drive or something....but i don't really want to. It just hasn't been a good day.

:: 2005 6 May :: 11.13 pm

Senior dinner was tonight. that was alot of fun. It was all girls and no guys except mr. bob. lol. It was pretty much alot of gossipy girly stuff, but it was awesome.

I'm sad...ben's in a really bad mood...well not really bad. Just tired and upset that he has to work tomorrow. I wish i could make him forget all that for a bit....but he's damn near impossible to get out of a funk. :-)

Got to meet mrs. zarnikow's husband, paul. They only get to see each other on wedenesdays and every other weekend...he lives in wisconsin with his two girls. They're not gonna move in together till the two girls graduate (two to three years).....that would suck so much!

ok, im not really in a talkative mood...or writing mood rather. night night.

:: 2005 5 May :: 3.38 pm

bwahahahah...cheap jab...my brother tried to tell me that if he lost 20 lbs. he'd be perfectly healthy. According to his BMI, he needs to lose 90 lbs. just to get a 25 (which is the highest part of the normal weight...right before overweight). I, on the other hand, have a BMI of 23...go me! I'm right in the middle of too skinny and overweight! yay...lol...im so easily amused....

:: 2005 5 May :: 2.32 pm

Hmmm...i love this journal. I talked to ben about my worries with our relationship. Well, not really worries, but upsetedness and frustration and such. It helps to write it all out in here, because a) i can get a handle on what exactly im thinking and 2) i know he reads this, so he already knows exactly what im thinking. It felt so good to talk to him about it. It didn't take away my fears, exactly, but it made everything better. It calmed them.

I really have no idea what's going to happen, but maybe its good that i'm afraid. I read this article on ivillage (i think) about long distance relationships that was awesome. It gave me hope because it said that long distance relationships are working out alot more often than people think. It's the giving up before even trying that screws everyone up. It mentioned setting 'ground rules' for what will happen when we are apart. I really liked the idea, but it takes a lot of effort and ben, sadly and with no offense to him, being a boy, is usually not as up to that as a girl. So who knows what will happen. I definitely want to talk about it, because college is coming ever so soon and even though i want to delay it as much as possible, i don't want to leave things till the last minute.

As you can see, talking to ben about this really helped. He knows now that I'm still hurting a little and that i'm afraid, but it doesn't change how much i love him. I don't want him to be sorry for what happened either. It happened and we worked through it, and i think we grew (at least a little bit) from it. We'll just have to see...hmmmm....i emailed him that article to read. I'm guessing he either didn't read it or he won't give me any feedback on what he thought if he actually read it. Argh...men. they're just not very good when it comes to that stuff. They're good at the sweet stuff, but giving their opinion just doesn't seem to work. lol.

Ok, im kinda rambling now. I guess I'm coming to the conclusion that i don't just want to go with the flow. I want to make a conscious effort. Because he's worth every little bit. :-)

In other news...Kathy told me the only reason josh, ricky, and kelly are managers is because they said if they weren't, then they weren't gonna come back. Yet another case of the nice (girl) finishing last. I have a biology test tomorrow...yuck. But i think i'll do okay...dunno, i'll probably study at chef's tonight. We've been REALLY slow lately...which sucks because that means no money! Shit...i keep remembering every so often that i need to get my car fixed. Ben said he'd come with me, but he's really busy with work...i don't really want to go by myself, but i've gotta get that fixed soon...it's rusting out. :-( Senior dinner is on Friday! That should be alot of fun. All the humanities seniors get together at mrs. zarnikow's house and we eat food and hang out. (sh...and we get champagne...lol)

Hmmm...interesting. Men supposedly reach their sexual peak between 18-20. Women don't reach theirs until like 40....what the heck am i gonna be like when i'm like THIS now!?? uh-oh...i wonder if they make anti-viagra :-D

Allix wants james back. I don't know what to tell her, because he's kinda psycho and i really wish she would just run from him. I want to tell her whatever makes her happy will make me happy but i don't want to see her hurt like he's hurting her. I don't really know what to do there....i guess i'll just try to be there and listen. Not say much. We'll see.

Alright...i'm gonna go because now i have successfully procrastinated away most of 7th hour. heehee. bye bye!

:: 2005 3 May :: 10.35 pm

:-\
did you notice i write a lot more often when im stressed or upset? Cause of my worries/venting at the moment...relationships. All this shit is going down with allix and james and at the back, everything that happened last month with ben and it hurts....hurts all the way into my bones. I hear the pain in her voice and all that pain comes flooding back to me in torrents, and i have to just push it away. I didn't tell ben about it at all. I don't tell anyone. They'll probably think i'm stupid or dragging it out. Maybe i am. Someone leave me a comment...tell me if i'm crazy. Because i actually think this pain is going to stick around for quite some time. It's too deep to just go away....this was more than a scratch and its leaving a scar.

Talking, thinking, dreaming about college scares me. Hurts me, burns me, terrifies me. I don't know what i'm doing. I want to pretend that i live in a fairy tale and that everything will be ok for the rest of my life. But it won't. I hate when people even bring up me and ben getting married now. I refuse to let myself think about it anymore. It used to be something i dreamt about, but I don't want to be so vain. Can't be. I feel lost...everything with him feels so perfect, but i never know when something is actually wrong with him. College is going to be SO hard...that's all i've heard from everyone...and now i'm unsure. That's what scares me. I don't know. I don't like not knowing.

And how am i supposed to talk to him about this? Hey, sweetie, i know things are going absolutely GREAT, but i'm a nervous little psycho and i'm doubting the entire world around me....i can't see that as going over well. And what is there to say? we've already said that we're just going to go with the flow and see where it leads. I kind of hate that. I love him with all my heart and i have to just leave it up to fate. "This is true love -- you think this happens every day?" -princess bride. Great movie. i consider him my true love...is that wrong? Is that immature, stupid, ignorant? I have no answers. :-(

Alrighty....well, this was just a chance for me to vent. Today is a good venting day. Especially since all this fighting is bringing up much to vent about (highschool drama and relationships).... Nothing comes of this because nothing can. There is nothing to discuss or say...at least i don't think so...i've said all i can. And there's obviously nothing to do....there's nothing really wrong, not with us. It's in me.....goodnight.

:: 2005 3 May :: 2.27 pm

I want to bury my head in the sand. It's hard to keep in mind that everyone will be gone in a few weeks when theyre calling you names and telling you to shut up. I don't know if everyone's just getting stressed out, but Katie (who i've been friends with all through highschool) told me off over a seat at lunch. Argh...it hurts to be put down and said mean things to. Doesn't anyone understand that it's hurtful and that we're all under the SAME stresses? I just want to stop coming here. i hate it.

I feel like i'm complaining, but in the past two days, i've been called a bitch, told i fuck everything up, told to shut up, and told off in general. :-( argh......

My concentration is severely failing when it comes to my AP test and senior memory book. Plus, right now i feel like a COMPLETE failure on my cat. I have NO idea what im doing! I can't fail this....goddamnit. There's noone who will help me. The teachers are convinced i need to learn everything on my own because i'm a smart kid. FUCK THAT! I'm so sick of being smart. I want the bio teacher to come over on occasion even and show me what the hell i'm doing. I want time. Lots and lots of time. hahahaha.....thats a wish ill never get.

Awww...danel was finally online last night, but he was playin video games with ben and so they didn't talk. :-\ I miss talkin to that kid. He makes me laugh, and he's always been a sweetheart. Plus, i wanted to know how ben did on his geology test. :-\ I'm listening to the new Fall Out Boy cd...its good...im outta here. too frustrated.

:: 2005 2 May :: 11.33 pm

Best weekend ever! There was only one downside...it ended. But that's okay. Knowing i can't have that every day makes me treasure the few chances i get to have it. And maybe one day i can go to sleep knowing that i do have it and i get it and its not going away. If that happens, well, i would definitely die happy. Until then, i'll treasure what i have. :-) Anyway....i like keeping the weekend to myself but at the same time i want to tell someone how absolutely amazing it was. However, everyone is caught up in their own problems (which i calmly listen to...argh) so my weekend will stay quietly in my mind and not bug everyone else.

I'm so lucky to have ben. Some of the guys i know are being less than honorable and gentlemanly (calling ME very mean names when they have no rhyme or reason!). But that's okay. There's only 3 weeks left and then most of the hurtful people fade from view. The next 3 weeks will be pretty hellish, with all the work and drama shit...but then it will be done. Thank god.

I wish i could relive our weekend over and over again. But i have to kinda push it back a bit so i can focus on everything i need to deal with right now. There's more homework than i know what to with and i don't honestly even know where to start. There's papers and cats and tests and more tests. By the end of next week, i'm going to be lifeless. That's when i'm going to relive last weekend. I want to just lay in bed and look at the ceiling (or perhaps sit in the shower like ben showed me :-D) and relax....senior memory book will be done and so will the AP test. It's kinda all or nothing this next week...icky. And there's not really any help in sight. i'm treadin on my own for the rest of the year i think.

Ok, i think im gonna go to bed early. I certainly need all the rest i can get. goodnight..... :-)

:: 2005 28 April :: 11.42 pm

2 days till delavan. Actually close to one. I'm excited, but I kinda want a little sweet time, and i don't think there will be much of that. Oh well, i guess we can't cram EVERYTHING in one night. BTW~ Happy National Kiss Day! I'm feeling alot better....i can almost breathe and swallow.

Argh...instant messenger sucks. Ben didnt come online till late, and so i started out by asking if he'd walked home, and it was just a joke, cause i knew his knee was hurt first off, and i figured he'd been out with mike. but its made the whole first part of our conversation choppy and edgy. :-( argh...actually its made our ENTIRE conversation choppy and edgy. THIS SUCKS........7 hours ago we were goofing around and smiling and playing and now we're pretty much mumbling at each other...and his knee hurts so he's not in agood mood. Argh.

Now im sad....cause i was so excited to talk to him after this afternoon......it was so nice and playful and light and i figured our convo tonight would be along the same lines....i hate when my night ends with this kinda thing. argh..................instant messenger isnt good at all....not unless youre horny...when youre trying to be sweet or funny or loving its pointless

:: 2005 25 April :: 10.55 pm

i feel like a baby....all i want right now is to be held and cuddled and have my face touched softly. :-( Cats are nice.........they stay by you the whole day and act as a small comfort.....but they don't hug back. The meds are finally starting to kick in...i guess thats good. Im pouty....and whiny.......damnit. :-(

:: 2005 25 April :: 2.51 pm

I love when my entries get dleted. I am in pain....quite a bit. It is destroying me. I would give anything to rid myself of it, but there is no cure but time. I have noone to talk to because everyone is at school. I talked to ben already, but i don't want to keep him from the few hours he has before he has to go back to class. I wish he was here....playing video games with me. That would take me away from the pain, let me relax. Or even just to hear him rambling as he plays. Just lay there and listen to him. I am stuck here with nothing to do but homework that i cannot concentrate on. I have watched every movie i can think of that i would enjoy. Princess Bride took my mind away from the horrible ache in my body, but now it is over and the pain is back. I need something to do. Anything. People preferably.....people to talk to. But there are none. Damn. I'm being a very big baby and for that i feel awful. Grrr....

:: 2005 24 April :: 9.58 pm

Not only do i have another UTI, but after some research, I have discovered that my absolute favorite sexual position is the cause of it! And now, due to the excruciating pain and sadness, I am going to stop writing.....goodnight. :'-(

:: 2005 23 April :: 11.02 pm

Eww...my tattoo on my hip is scabbing off and it looks gross... :-( Anyway...I don't know when i wrote in here last so maybe noone knows i even got tattoos...two. one on my ankle (kanji for remember) one on my hip (kanji for laugh). yay. they hurt...but thats the point.

Got to spend the day (well besides work) with ben. It was fun....but i broke his penis. Not really though i feel horrible....breaking penises is not something girls are supposed to do. I'm kinda sporadic in my writing tonight. Not really in the mood i guess. but i still feel like i should write to update the imaginary forces that read this.

I'm tired........and in a very cuddly mood....not sexual at all for once......i just really really really want to snuggle close to ben and fall asleep. i fee very drained and exhausted...not sad or anything...just wiped.

Purr...ok, im gonna go. this entry was kinda pointless...except to show that i'm horrible and my tattoo itches and i hurt ben and want selfishly want to cuddle with him. I'm selfish....im sorry...that sucks. I'm gonna go now. night night

:: 2005 20 April :: 11.35 pm
:: Mood: blissful

greatest birthday ever...for the most part. hahaha. No it was really really really good. Got hugs from everyone and felt special. Yay! In 6th hour i got a note sayin i had flowers. Thought they were from either ben or my mom. No.....they were from my SISTER....who i haven't heard from in probably close to 6 YEARS now. I was absolutely floored. I just stood there and gaped at the card. I plan on writing her before i go to college. How i'll find out her address is beyond me, but i'll figure it out.

Got my tattoos! I LOVE them! :-D It hurt a little (the one on my hip is close to the bone, so that one hurt more) but it was oh-so worth it! I think they look neat....

Best part of the day...definitely by far ben's present. The first time he ever told me he loved me, he said it in French. Today, he gave me a necklace with a small heart charm engraved with that phrase (Je'taime). When i opened the box I couldn't even speak for a second. I've wanted to get that for SOOO long. Knowing he got it for me is probably the best feeling in the world. I can't keep my hands off the charm, sliding it back and forth along the chain, playing with it between my fingers. I love it so much...words don't even do it justice. I hold that simple single phrase so close to my heart....if there is any moment where i would say i knew i was madly, insanely, deeply, head-over-heels in love with him, it was right at that moment. It was the sweetest touch to the words, i love you. Now i have a physical object to touch, hold, always remind me. Even if he's far away i can reach down and touch it and know that it's all ok. *happy sigh* I can't describe how much it means to me, except that my heart absolutely bursts with love for him and the sweet heart he had to get me something so perfect and meaningful to me.

I'm going to sleep well tonight. Everything went so beautifully today...and they're calling for thunderstorms tonight. The only way it could get better would be falling asleep in ben's arms...and i get to do that in 10 days. :-) Hmmm....maybe saturday will call for a nap too...after the fun. heehee....goodnight. :-D

:: 2005 19 April :: 7.25 pm

Two things make me very very sad. One...I cannot sit in the same ROOM as my father without wanting to kill myself, and two....My house is no longer HOME. I don't have a home. Well, I take that back. Ben's house has taken on a homelike quality. Home is the one place you feel safe, above all others. It's warm and inviting and comforting. My house is definitely none of those. It hurts me and stresses me out and takes every last little ounce of my happiness and steals it away. I am not wanted there either. I am called names and told to leave. I am yelled at and I am so brutally sick of it. I hate smiling and acting like everything is okay...burying that part of my life beneath my face. It is always there and to show it would just cause annoyance and pity from others. I want no pity. This is what i was given and i just have to get through it. Talking helps sometimes but to be saying the same things over and over again makes me feel like i'm whining and complaining. When i talk about it, i feel like there is something wrong with me...for my father and brother to hate me so much, and for me to hate them in return. So i hide it. It is not hidden deep and many know of it, but not how far it goes. For now i just have to keep fighting and escaping as much as possible.

K, now that the nasty stuff is out of the way. My birthday is tomorrow!!!! yay! Argh...except i have to go out to dinner with my family. I would much rather go out with ben and maybe my mom. They aren't mean. I'm getting my tattoos done tomorrow as well. I hope. I'm still a little sunburned and im hoping it will be okay to get them done. I'm excited. !!! I wanna know what ben's getting me SOOOOOOOOO bad. It's driving me nuts! He keeps saying that i'm going to love it. But i have no clue what it is! Argh...well only 24 hours or so till i find out! :-D

Mk, well im gonna go now....should probably get ahead on homework since i have time. later

:: 2005 18 April :: 3.42 pm

Owie. I went tanning and used too strong of a bed. I got burned. It hurts. Alot. I'm not very smart.

Senioritis sucks...but i have straightened out my priorities A LITTLE....so i'm not falling behind anymore.

Ben's getting sick again...at least he thinks so. :-( And he doesn't want my milkshakes anymore! :-( heehee...oh well...when i make them it usually ends up all over the kitchen... :-D

I'm so warm and uncomfortable...and im whining, so im just gonna go now...not really in a writing mood anyway..well, i wish the lotr rpg would pick up, becasuse i REALLY wanna wrtie for that one...but it hasn't yet. Ramble ramble ramble...later.

:: 2005 17 April :: 11.54 pm

I'm tired....but happy. Got to see ben tonight...he was even astoundingly sweet throughout the nigth...cept he was tired and at one point called my face 'bright'....heehee....k, no energy need sleep soon...night night.

:: 2005 15 April :: 11.30 pm

Hmmm...i miss ben. That's the first time i've ever actually said that. Acknowledged it. I've missed him before, but to actually say it and really FEEL it is almost awkward, like saying 'i love you' for the first time. :-) I do miss him....his voice, his hugs, his adorable smile. It's not horrible...i'm not losing sleep over it, but it's kinda a smack in the face as to what college will be like. It's nice to know i will live. I'm not dying missing him. I did wear his shirt tonight...and sprayed it with cologne....it made me smile to smell him all around me. I can't wait to see him when he gets home....i may have to wait an extra day if he gets home late (which is almost definite), but I just want to be held and cuddle with him and maybe a few other things ;-).....hug him. Extra long hug for him since i haven't seen him about a week now i think. Hugs and kisses and kisses and kisses..... :-D

K, i'm done rambling i promise. Im off to bed....very long not-so-good week and now its finally over....no better way to begin the weekend than with a full night's sleep! :-D night night

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