:: 2005 12 April :: 11.11 pm

i set myself up for failure...always.

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:: 2005 11 April :: 9.43 pm

i want a hug....or some comforting words....or anything for that matter. Instead, im sitting here alone...there are people online but they are talking to other people... :'-( im sad...bad days suck

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:: 2005 11 April :: 9.12 pm

wow talk about a shitty day. :'-( Hmm...well let's see if i can find anything good about it. This next calc test is the last one i have to take. I kinda could have saved a girl today....not really. I got an AP study guide for chemistry.

Ok, thats about it. argh....im jsut going to ramble now because i want to cry so if you don't wanna deal with it, stop reading now.
I have no idea what the chapter is even about for that calc test coming up. I don't know how to do my biology homework. I had to run an AED out to the football field for this girl who stopped breathing but she was breathing again by the time i got out there and it was pointless. I had to run barefoot and my feet hurt now and i was coughing for the rest of the day because it was warm out but the school was cold... Work sucked becasue it was REALLY slow and i had nothing to do.

Now for the worst of it....had to go meet with Kathy Kunzman (read: summer boss) and found out that im NOT a manager this year. I'm considered the swim lesson coordinator, but that's what megan is doing. So pretty much this is my job description: MEGAN'S BITCH. Which ya know, i love megan...however, i was DEFINITELY counting on having much more leadership this summer. Being under RICKY is not my idea of a good time. So now i just want to die...because my summer just went down the drain.

yea, so im gonna go now, because i feel ashamed or something...embarassed? its like everyone thought i should be a manager and now im not...like i didnt cut it. night

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:: 2005 10 April :: 12.27 am

Yay...i went shooting today. I shot 3 big shells from 25 feet in 2 clips. That's not very good, but it was my first time ever shooting a gun, so i feel special....heehee. :-)
Work was kinda boring tonight...slow and peaceful. No drama, no craziness. Well Marie and Dan are on the verge of breaking up. He lied to her. We'll see how that one goes...she doesn't know what shes going to do yet.
I think i pissed ben off last night...i kept asking ben if he was ok...he kept saying he was tired...but i immediately got paranoid. The last times he was as i call it 'short' on the phone, i ended up sobbing for a week straight. When i heard him, my heart tightened and i just got worried. I tried to just kinda be calm and believe him, but im just not there yet. It's hard...i can't just be okay. Gah....but i know it aggravated him. I'm very frustrated with myself.

Alrigh im off to bed....well not really but i dont feel like writing anymore...heehee...night night...ONLY 10 DAYS TILL MY 18TH BIRTHDAY~!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

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:: 2005 7 April :: 10.37 pm

Hmmm...theres not really anything new in this kid's life. Had to work today....only made 15 dollars in tips cuz it was slow...but we got paid so i walked out with 90. Most of that is going straight to the bank for the hotel and stuff. Me n ben are gonna drive up on sunday to check out the hotel - make sure it's clean and nice looking. Don't wanna be staying in a dump. :-)

I have to write this definition paper and i don't know what word to define...we have to do the denotative definitions as well as all the connotative ones. It could be a really awesome paper. I'm torn between laugh, trust, and hope. I don't think im going to do laugh because the etymology is weak and there's not enough to go off of with connotations. :-\ Hmmmm....maybe trust...i could touch on the legal form of the word as well...but with hope i could touch on the girls name. Choices, choices, choices.

I'm glad I'm not going to prom. Everyone's getting in petty arguments over it and i just get to sit back and smile. plus i dont have to deal with the stress of getting a dress and hair stuff and all that. I can relax and just be me...

Sleeping over at the brothers house tomorrow night...except i keep forgetting that fact. And i feel bad because i told ben we could hang out but now we can't cuz i won't be home. :-( I haven't seen him a couple of days...which sucks obviously cuz i haven't seen his smiling face since tuesday, but it's kinda neat cause i know when i do get to see him, I'll be that much happier. Plus, now i won't smother him at all. I don't think i ever did, but sometimes it felt like i was. He needs time to hang out with all his friends, and i don't ever wanna get in the way of that :-)

For there not being much going on, i sure can write alot. Heehee. Alright, well i suppose i could go now, because there's really nothing else i have to say.....except i kinda want to just keep writing forever...im in a writing mood. It's not very flowy or good, but i like it. I wish i had a story to write. There's something satisfying about banging keys and watching a plot unfold. Much faster than i could ever write. Hmmm...maybe ill ask people for story ideas. Alright, im really gonna go now. I need the sleep. night

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:: 2005 6 April :: 9.18 pm

Today was beautiful. SOOOOOOOOO nice outside. Went to the fitness center cuz i havent gone in ages, and then i drove out to coral woods to read and write for a few hours. It was SO nice! So quiet and peaceful. And now im very relaxed and happy and the world is almost perfect...

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:: 2005 5 April :: 11.17 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful

Ha....ha....ha. I got in a car accident this morning. My extraordinarily long car spun like a top across 3 lanes of busy morning traffic and i didnt get hit. I'm so lucky to even be alive...i walked away from that with a slice in the side of my car and a shaky disposition for a few hours. I don't know how i got so lucky.

Job shadowing was absolutely awesome. I got to meet a whole bunch of high-up people and got a full tour of APP's facilities. It was amazing!

Got to spend the good last part of my day with ben...........so much sex lately! hahahaha. I think i've wiped him out. But today was nice....i definitely appreciated spending time with him.....hugging him. If things had gone differently this morning, i may not have ever been able to hug him again. :-\ kind of a really big eye-opener. I've kinda been joking about the whole thing to friends, but i was absolutely terrified.....i was in a spinning vehicle going 50 mph, seeing cars swerving out of my way and worried every second that the car would tip over and crush me to death. i'm so glad noone got hurt. ok.....now im depressed of sorts. I kinda just want to go back to ben's and crawl under the covers and hug him and cry.

It's a crying sort of mood....it's all good to joke about it....that's how i get through hard stuff.......when people die im the bastard who makes jokes. But the fear and terror ripped at me and i don't know what makes me so special that i didn't die, didn't hurt/kill other people today.

Hmmm...ok thats very emotional to think about. Don't wanna do that right before bed. Good news: me and ben found a hotel with a whirlpool in the room for under 100 dollars! its in delavan and you can be 18 and rent a room. :-D That's my happy moment of the day....well and spending just some normal nice sweet time with ben. :-) He's (we're) trying to get a 3some going.....it's his fantasy, but i'm intrigued. We may do one with him n mike as well, to appeal to my side of things! It's still a little nervewracking to think about, but who knows. We'll see how that all goes. Ok, i need to go sleep. I only got 4 hours last night and everything is starting to fry in my head...heehee...sorry if this was abysmally long and repetitive...i get that way sometimes :-) night everyone!

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:: 2005 4 April :: 10.36 pm

Pretty good day today...but i wasn't outside as much as i would have liked...it was absolutely beautiful!

Job shadowing tomorrow....! YAY! That's gonna be so much fun...mark is a crazy sarcastic shit and i can only imagine the crazy fun we will have. He's awesome. Plus i may get to see his wife for a bit (vicky works with him) Shes even crazier and i love her to death! I also get to meet a bunch of high end people and get a little nudge in the right direction for a career.

Kinda had a girls night tonight with allix. We ate delicious ben & jerrys ice cream called dublin dream or something along those lines.....it was absolute heaven. :-D I learned alot about James...apparently theyre doing horrible. He's kinda a dick when it comes to being really close. Like after sex, he never just lies with her and holds her......thats one of my favorite things to do! It's so sweet and comfy. And he never even refers to it as sex, much less making love.....its always 'fucking'. I would feel so cheap and kinda like an object if ben was like that.

Luckily i have a man who can be incredibly naughty but also INCREDIBLY sweet and caring. :-D I'm lucky. very very lucky. He comes with his flaws, which im glad to say im no longer disillusioned to, but they are not horrible and i have my own as well.......so its all workable.

I'm kinda worried though, because she said he's grabbed her arm, like forcefully, almost abusively. I don't like that at all. As much as she irritates me sometimes, i will not have ANY of my friends be abused by a man. Thats too much like my father.

Argh....im trying to find a hotel to stay in downtown for prom night (me and ben are (hopefully) ditching prom and spending the night downtown)....i say hopefully because we have to figure out where to go....and i have to save up some money for it! hotel rooms are pretty expensive downtown! Plus....i think it would be fun to get that toy we talked about....but thats more money as well. :-\ So that could take some work...and its only about 3 weeks from now. :-\ I really hope it works out. That would be so much fun! Take some video games, maybe smuggle in some drinks if he's still up for that idea.... :-) We'll see!

Alright, im gonna go...Gotta get up early so i look presentable for all of these people! :-) Important big guys to impress! :-)

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:: 2005 3 April :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: torn

I've been having the GREATEST time with ben this weekend. but now it almost feels like that was the goodies and now the harder stuff starts...we're both gonna be crazy busy and its probably going to be difficult to see each other. Plus i keep getting these stomach-drop moments...he'll say something about kids, even if it isn't directly related to us, and my stomach drops to my feet. That's everything i want, but i'm afraid to even think about it....looking that far into the future got me hurt. I think im gonna ask ben what he thinks...i hope he doesnt think im silly for these thoughts. Can you blame me? i'm afraid to even look as far ahead as college...and thats only a few months away.

my love for him spans deep and wide......heehee... :-D I'm scared but excited at the same time...excited to face these challenges...hopefully with him.

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:: 2005 2 April :: 11.39 pm

meow.........im tired. No real reason...maybe all the time im spending with ben. Tomorrow we're sleeping. too tired to write...hahahhahahahaha.....lalalala...k, im gonna stop now. night night.

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:: 2005 1 April :: 9.32 pm

hmmm...so alot has happened. Went by mike's from easter through yesterday morning....that was really nice. I got to just relax and think and kick it back. And i didnt' have access to a computer, so i couldn't obsess over ben too much. Well okay, maybe i still did that. Anyway....he texted/called me on tuesday and we talked...alot. He apologized and we pretty much nitpicked a bunch of things that bugged us. We agreed that we need to just kinda focus on what we have right here, right now, instead of being so caught up in the future. We're going to try again....and i hope this time we talk and actually work things out. My heart isn't really healed at all from this. i thought it was yesterday, but for as happy as i am that we're back together, im scared to just let myself go and be completely in love with him. I'm afraid of giving him the broken pieces of my heart that i managed to pick up off the ground.

Before i left his house last night, he said i love you....but it was quick and muttered.....i was hoping he would have stopped me and looked me right in the eyes when he said it. :-\ I guess it will just take time for me to be perfectly ok. Last night was really really good. We just put on music and relaxed and had some fun ;-) (i know....im hopeless). He came into chef's...that little effort helped so much...i thought, "ok....he's trying...he's doing something out of the ordinary." it's amazing how much something little like that can affect someone's mood or day.

It just takes time. At least i hope. I don't see any reason (other than him lying again or hiding what he's feeling) for me to not be okay. Im just gonna try to hang out with him and have fun. We're not gonna go to prom...instead i think (hopefully it will all work out) we're gonna go spend the night downtown then night of prom. Relax and spend the day/night together.

Hmmm...this entry has a slight negative note to it. I don't mean it to be. It's just my heart being cautious. I'm afraid to be hurt like that again. So we shall see. So far, things are going great. Ben really seems like he really wants to try again and work on making our relationship stronger. That's very important. If i felt he was just looking to get some...id be very hurt and probably kick his ass. :-)

I think we may hang out tomorrow morning....or maybe it was sunday mornin.....i think tomorrow though. hopefully that works out. I want to try and spend as much time with him as we can. Have fun and enjoy the time we have before i leave for school. I think it would be fun to find a hotel somewhere (where you only have to be 18 to get a room) that has awesome rooms that aren't expensive...and go there every once in awhile over the summer. :-D Escape from everyone and everything for a night and just enjoy each other. We will see.

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:: 2005 27 March :: 9.52 am

ooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee.....muscles HURT!

only 5 hours of sleep :-\ oh well.........i suppose it was worth it...i couldnt think at all when i went to sleep i just passed out.......need a shower...have to go out to eat with the fam...yay....grandma......(sarcasm)
Oh well, get to go by the brothers...that will be fun.

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:: 2005 27 March :: 3.44 am

hmmmm....well the club was definitely an interesting experience...never have i had so many guys crawling all over me. It was kinda creepy. There was one cute guy, but he had this problem with just letting me dance...he kept his arms around me the whole time like he was scared id run away...i kept having ot take his hands OFF my hips and just let me be for a sec. Cute guy (charlie)'s friend kissed me...that was gross. I flipped off joseph (the girls' sign for help) and he danced his way over and took me away. It was nice to have protectors. Pat and Joseph and even Fuji kept a close eye on all of us ot make sure we didn't disappear with some creep. Pat was a pretty damn good dancer, but he was much better than me and it was pointless to dance with him much.

I think i danced with 4 or 5 guys total. Charlie had me for most of hte night...he wasn't too creepy. Joseph kept looking at me throughout the night and giving me a questioning thumbs up, to which i'd give him a thumbs up back. Charlie asked why....i said if he got a thumbs down, joseph would kick his ass. plain and simple.

It was pretty fun. I got kinda frustrated at some points cuz i wanted to freely dance, not be grinded against by some random guy (it was definitely a night of 'who can grind the closest...')....i suppose i would do it again, but if i didnt it definitely wouldnt be a problem. I'm glad i actually did it, but it's not something i would do regularly...i prefer dancing with guys i know. I even preferred dancing with fuji...as slightly creepy as he is. If i know the guy, i know they won't try to take advantage of me.

Alright, i need to go to bed...its quarter to 4 and i have to be up to feed the aminals (yes i know thats not how you spell it). plus my legs are uber-tired. hope everyone has a good easter....night night...or morning i suppose

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:: 2005 26 March :: 4.40 pm

here is a poem i wrote over a year ago....

You gave me a piece of you heart
but then you took it away
It ripped a piece of me along with it
You said we should just be friends
because you were confused
and it was all you had to give
but what about me?
what if all i had to give
was the everything you took?

not very good at all...but it still hurts just the same. he has so much work to do....so much hurt to heal, even for friends. Talking would help...at least he's done that much. i still hope for him...it is who i am. i forgive...but this one is harder......im in love with him

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:: 2005 26 March :: 4.29 pm

i guess we are going to the club. I don't really think i will have any fun...it's not who i am anymore...i'll admit it, i used to be kinda sleazy...but i dropped that awhile ago (well according to ben, im still sleazy, even though it hurts to hear that). I want to call him...to see how he is doing...i texted him..weakness on my part. At least he talked...i guess...i still have no idea what he is thinking...he's probably not thinking actually...sickness makes it a little hard to do anything but become very good buddies with the toilet. i don't know what im doing.

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:: 2005 26 March :: 3.10 pm

he...outburst of hurt. im trying to be at least okay...obviously its not working so well. we might not go clubbing tonight...who knows. You wanna feel some of this pain?

Imagine your best friend, the one who got you to open up and really start to talk, walking away from you...just turning around and leaving. And for kicks they don't go to your school so you NEVER see them.

Ha, he came back and talked....but he's sick. I feel horrible...every instinct is saying, "go over there, tuck him in and keep watch." And it killed me to talk to him....i couldnt say honey or sweetheart or be caring in the slightest...wouldnt that be pushing??

This hurts so bad..!!! I want to go and be nurturing and caring and loving.....but i can't....he pushed me away. i hate that he's hurting. WHy can't he realize that i'm not his mother??? That i would never leave what i have, enver try to jeopardize our relationship? I just don't know what to do....giving him space is the hardest thing i've EVER had to do. It hurts me that i can't help him....burns all the way down to my soul.

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:: 2005 26 March :: 2.56 pm

@#)#&*%#@%

i give up.........i dont even know what to do with this hurt!!!!! he said he would talk the next time he was on.......he came on and i counted on it.

I AM SO FUCKING PATHETIC I CANT EVEN TAKE IT!!! Why won't he talk to me???????????? I"M SORRY!!!!!!!!

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:: 2005 25 March :: 11.23 pm

haha...just had a fight with lilith and durango...love it.
going clubbing tomorrow....not too enthused...but at least ill be out late enough where i can come home and crash...my parents have started to accept that im almost 18 and have abolished a curfew...at least for a bit

my heart is burning with hurt and pain and loneliness but im trying to push it away...he said he needs time to think...he actually talked to me tonight...to say he felt like crap and was going to bed...but eh. ill just leave him be....even though it kills me

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:: 2005 25 March :: 10.45 pm

i went and played airsoft tonigth....it was unintentional...i was just supposed to pick up my brother...but dan gave me shoes (i was wearing flip-flops) and a gun (yay! a taurus..) . I actually got someone out...i think i may go buy a taurus and play with them again...i gave dan my cell so he could call. If i end up not playing that often...when i leave i can always give the gun to one of the numerous boys i know who play. :-\ I got shot in the knee...it hurts.

kinda like my heart and soul

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:: 2005 25 March :: 4.59 pm

*caderyn sits staring at the wall, her heart feeling as though a million needles are puncturing it*

Dan just told me what a great time he had with rachel...im happy for him, i really really am. I love danel and i think he deserves someone who will treat him extremely well. That's what everyone deserves...except maybe murderers and such. But to hear him (well, kinda, he was typing his happiness) so utterly blissful gives me a very selfish pang of hurt. It rips through my body and makes me want to disappear into a small hole. I wish i could help ben...but he has refused my touch.

light a fire

:: 2005 25 March :: 4.16 pm
:: Mood: sad

i drove past his house today (ha...michele says any girl who says they haven't is lying). it made me very sad...it looked like his was the only car there, and i wanted worse than anything to knock on his door and talk to him. At least he posted. I want to talk to him so badly...to run up to him, throw my arms around his neck, and kiss him until he can't stand up. I don't know what hes thinking...if he's even thinking about me at all. I miss him...so much...noone understands.

I don't really want to go out tomorrow night. i don't want to dance with a bunch of disgusting creeps who just want to get some. I'd much rather go to ben's and dance wtih him...because even though he'd wanna get some, he's the one i'd give it to.

I'm trying to be understanding. But i don't know what there even is to understand. not talking to me is not 'rebuilding our trust'. Its just hurting. I'd give anything for his ring to sound on my phone....to hear his voice and hear him say that he doesn't want to give up...but i don't know if i will. i can only keep my single thread of hope...reaching out into a pit of darkness.

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:: 2005 25 March :: 12.29 am

no matter how interesting the day gets....it still just hurts. It's a constant hurt that just fades for a few hours. I wish i could talk to him. Wish he would talk to me. Wish i could be wrapped up in his arms watching spider-man and stealing kisses every three seconds. :'-(

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:: 2005 24 March :: 10.24 pm

well today was interesting...
I actually made attempt to look halfway decent today...straightened my hair, put on some makeup, shaved, spritzed it up wtih perfume, hot underwear, hot shirt, hot pants. We (katie,mandy, marie, kristen, amber, joseph, cody, bryan, mark, mark, and dan) went out to olive garden after school. Kristen and amber weren't supposed to be there...they kinda invited themselves. Then i got to work and mike came in (mike as in my older bro) to eat and i get to go spend a few days up by him (like sun-tues or wed). Just finished talking to erin, and we're gonna hang out when i get back from wisconsin, get to see all the wedding pictures and such. And then on Saturday night after work, the group of us that went out to lunch is goin out clubbing.

And i only cried over ben twice today. mind you, i have yet to go to bed. But maybe this is good...if 'we' stand a chance, he gets to get his head back on his shoulders and i get to revisit the crazy side of life for a bit....if 'we' don't, well then he can still get the chance to kick it back and i can just live it up...mind you i dont really want to, but it's either i'm never home or i'm crying. From what i hear, mike's in cali...i hope this gives ben time to just think. Find out if he can trust and love me and know that i won't hurt him...... :-\

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:: 2005 24 March :: 12.13 am

my new life...school, drive around aimlessly, be online, surround myself with people...if i am alone, i cry. That is just how it goes now...if i do not keep busy i drown...not waving but drowning.
In a sea of regret and sadness and on occasion shady hope. I miss ben with all my heart

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:: 2005 23 March :: 9.26 pm

i bought a journal at b&n...i doubt that means ill write in here less...god, my hearts hurts...i just wish he would make an effort to talk to me...show me he's not gone...but he's never been very good at making the first step. I miss him so much...its killing me not to email him...to try. but i dont think he wants me anymore...or at least not now...but i wish he'd let me know. It would take away some of this pain...to know that he is thinking...to know that he's not done. I miss him so much...even though he hurt me. i just miss him. and i forgive him for lying to me this whole past month...its just what i do.

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:: 2005 23 March :: 3.51 pm

im so hopeful...such a crazy romantic in crazy love....keep hoping to hear his ring coming from my phone, to see a little note on my window, to see his car parked in my driveway when i get home, to be called down to the office because there's a dozen roses from him saying, 'lets talk'. 'giving him space' is killing me...it is taking my soul and beating it with a club. i dont even know if its what he wants...but he won't say hi...how am i supposed to just walk away from him when he told me he wanted to get engaged in december??!

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:: 2005 23 March :: 2.18 pm

"No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones who pay…" -PP ..ben told me this once...but it doesnt have to be that way...and if it does i will gladly pay..100 times over

"I know you think we can't be together, but can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? I know there'll be risks but I want to face them with you. It's wrong that we should be only half alive... half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am… standing in your doorway. I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?" -MJW

"Go get 'em, tiger." -MJW <---greatest quote ever...so much love, so much trust, so much encouragement and friendship. I miss ben.......

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:: 2005 23 March :: 7.06 am

the worst pain is that i cannot see his face. it hurts to wake up nauseous and shaking...it hurts to cry so much. it hurts that he will not say hi when he is online. i miss him so so much...miss him like crazy..... :-(

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:: 2005 22 March :: 10.27 pm

i just found one of my favorite quotes...it was scribbled on a spare sheet of paper in my room... "millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and i put my arms around you." -Jacques Prevert

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:: 2005 22 March :: 6.45 pm

he said i shouldnt stop talking to him...but then he stopped. im so sorry...i miss him 'with the passion of a thousand suns.'

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