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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 22 March :: 6.40 pm

i went to see kath at work today...then i went driving. I ended up in coral woods...i didnt plan on it or anything i just ended up there. When i got there, i realized where i was going. I walked out to a tree...a tree i only readily recognized by tilting my head back and staring up at it. Me and ben made reckless crazy love under that tree one sweet summer day. We could have gotten caught at any second...but it was so hot, so fun. I went there and then i cried...and i walked away with even more hurt....i miss every last thing about him...i even miss his continuously-socked feet. i love him so much...and i can't stand being apart from him, but now is when im supposed to be patient

:: 2005 22 March :: 4.18 pm

my world has flipped upside down....i miss ben so much...i never thought something could hurt so bad...i hate myself for this...my soul is inconsolable....it feels like my best friend has left me. :-(

:: 2005 22 March :: 2.30 pm

so she whispers in my ear love she has felt for so long, cuz she knows im in my dreams, where all the wild things are gone, and she says, "hush, you need to hush, it isnt time to wake, i have too much to say that i cannot tell you when you're here, when you are here, looking into my eyes and holding on to me, cuz i know you'll leave me alone." -hush, by chris grace

im sorry....hy heart is weighed down by songs and love...and i cannot stop it...i love him and i miss him

:: 2005 22 March :: 2.23 pm

a dark cloud has settled over my wretched soul...it is inconsolable...and it will not rain....i am sorry

:: 2005 22 March :: 7.17 am

i always told him i would never be the one to do the leaving. I got my hair cut....its pretty short. mike took a picture of it for his phone and i actually like it. dan tickled me to make me smile. Waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night are the two most awful times of the day now. I miss him so much...miss the goofiness and the quiet side and the side where he would talk. I miss my best friend...i want to say goodnight sweetheart i love you. Last night i dreamed that i was lying in his arms and we were watching tv..i could feel his breath on the back of my neck...when i woke up i was already crying. i miss ben

:: 2005 21 March :: 11.37 pm

went out to eat with bryan, marie, dan, dan, joseph, and mike. Ended up being me, mike, joseph, and dan at barnes and noble. The other three left. I am consumed by sadness.

:: 2005 21 March :: 3.39 pm

i miss ben...and i love him so much...im completely, wholly, unavoidably in love with him....im so sorry

:: 2005 21 March :: 2.21 pm

today was hard...i dont know why....i miss him...im sorry

:: 2005 21 March :: 7.07 am

im trying to be strong...but every night the wall breaks down.....i miss him...like the stars would miss the sky...im so sorry

:: 2005 21 March :: 12.08 am

i just want him to be ok...i love him...with all my heart...maybe that is where i was wrong...i shouldnt have loved so much? but i do...i love him...over and over and over until i can't take it.

i miss ben........with all my heart....

:: 2005 20 March :: 11.59 pm

god, i miss ben. i'm pathetic...i made a life where he was one of the most important things...i cannot jsut pick myself up and walk away...which is what he seems to do...i just want us to be ok...i want us to be an us...

i miss ben...more than i could ever describe.

:: 2005 20 March :: 8.04 pm

This is the most incredible hurt i have ever experienced in my life. I miss him like i would miss an arm. hugs and kisses and quiet talking as we fell into a nap. What kind of god would keep taking all the good in my life away? when am i ever going to be allowed to be happy without hurting??? why couldnt i jsut once not screw up what i had?? now i am left with dreams...and tears...and a stringy hope that may never come to anything. he wouldnt even say hi. :'-(

:: 2005 20 March :: 10.18 am

hahaha...talk about wanting to torture myself...i have this little cd...its titled caity mix...and it definitely does not contain music.

There are some 'interesting' pictures on there that i guess i just felt like seeing...call it whatever you want. But what i didnt remember was the other pix that were on there...theres one of him and mike that he put in his senior memory book, one of him holding fred (the turtle in his car), one of him as a farm boy, him and joseph flicking off the camera (they look SO young!), one of him in his hat and football jersey, and my favorite, one of him as a little kid with a huge hat on and a goofy smile on his face... :-) the one with him and joe has the characteristic 'f-u smile'....hahahah...

hmmm...theres also this file called eclipse...25 pages long...i dont think i ever read it...i was always afraid if i opened this cd, someone in the house would see and that would have been a little not so good...lol. I think im gonna go read taht.

Hey this sounds like im ok, doesn't it? bwahahah...and the wall rebuilds carefully... later.

:: 2005 20 March :: 1.04 am

it got a little better at the end...maybe...i dont even know...this is so hard. Im doing everything i can not to piss him off or upset him or hurt him but i'm not very good at that. I jsut want him to be okay...maybe if i was the angel...and he was the sleeping man in the bed...

He lay curled up in his sheets, breathing deeply and steadily. She slips into the room and sits down in his chair. For awhile, she merely watches him, his steady serene breathing, the boyish look on his face. Wiping away the tears that have formed at the corner of her eye, she gets up and crawls under the sheets next to him. Tears quietly slip their way down her cheeks as she smiles at his peace. Brushing her fingers down his rough cheek, he unconsiously kisses her hand. Sighing, she touches her finger to his lips and slides quietly out of his bed and out the door. Seconds later, he sleepily awakens, and turning over, feels a wetness on his pillow. Touching the very spot where she once was, he wonders if he was dreaming. He slides his face next to where hers rested and is overcome by her light scent on his pillow. Confused, he looks around, wondering where she has gone, realizing he has missed her. He breathes her in for a moment before turning over and falling silently back into his peaceful slumber. When he wakes the next morning, he remembers nothing of his waking, and the tears have dried. She is gone for the moment.

yet another wish...to be his angel. someone to watch over him always...actually maybe not an angel...just a girl...one who can come to him in the night and be with him even if he wakes up....and no tears would fall.

:: 2005 20 March :: 12.44 am

owie....i thought i was doing a little better...and then i started to talk to ben a bit...it was okay for awhile...good conversation even...but now its back to being one-word answers and IT HURTS....so so so so bad....i have so many wishes...and i dont knwo what to do with them...

owie...i brought this on myself...

:: 2005 19 March :: 10.59 pm
:: Mood: sad

I had to pick my bro up from dan's house...they were all airsofting....dan came up to say hi, and before he got close i thought he was ben.... :-( they look alot alike.

I feel horrible....i asked dan how ben was doing...he apparently wasn't there though. Sad...im waiting for the day he gives my brother an ass-whoopin out there....hes wicked good with his gun from what i hear....argh...maybe i just won't talk to dan anymore...i don't want him to be uncomfortable :-\

:: 2005 19 March :: 9.59 pm

yay...tomorrow would be me and ben's anniversary...the yay is complete sarcasm...

I still haven't really talked to him. He hasn't been online at all...unless ive been completely blocked...which i doubt for now. I just want to talk to him. Work was unbearable tonight. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin love ballads that i couldn't help but sing along to all night. and a bunch of couples snuggling up and stealing kisses when they think noone is watching.

I ate today....except i feel very sick to my stomach. :-\ at least im eating though i guess.

I talked with dawn and steve for a bit tonight (theyre awesome regulars at chef's) and got some advice/hope from the both of them....steve told me to look forward which i dont think is helpful right now (because honestly when i look forward, i see me and ben's plan....him coming home from a night shift and crawling into bed with me...), but dawn just said that 'everything would be ok'....i guess that could be taken in two contexts but it's nice all the same...theyre great people.

God i miss him

:: 2005 18 March :: 11.07 pm

So lilith asked me to write something....and i did and i really love it...i was going to make it caderyn(my reploid's) dream or thought, but i think it would cross my pretend world and reality when it shouldn't...if i was in an rpg ben wasn't, it would be different...anyway, i decided i would put it in here because i like it....

the girl slept quietly as the angel slipped into her room...he could see the dried streaks down her face where tears had traced their way. Knowing that she was at peace for the moment, he sat down and watched her. Deciding this was not enough, he lifted the covers and slid into the bed, snuggling close to her. He lay there watching her breathe steadily. Kissing her forehead gently, he said, "I will come back to you some day...just keep dreaming. Don't let go, not yet." WIth that, he kissed her gently on the lips, so as not to wake her, and slid out of the room as quietly as he had come. Waking up suddenly, the girl gasped and felt her lips. She looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be found. Sighing, she placed her head in the pillow and wept before falling back into her dreams.

I've written poems (yes, about ben) long ago that dealt with this theme. It works because i've called him my angel numerous times....is this little quip exactly about him? no, not really, because he hasn't said he WILL come back. this is just me...writing something because i can.

:: 2005 18 March :: 10.56 pm

12th entry!

oval moon; subjectively intertwining slop

no this isn't random wordage...its called an anagram...... :-\

:: 2005 18 March :: 8.52 pm

k, so this what? 11th entry? I feel like torturing myself this evening so i'm going back and reading every email i saved from ben...its kinda painful, because i can't stand that i let that go...im on the first few emails and my head is kind of spinning from the love in his words...

" you make me laugh and feel like I could take on the whole world with just one embrace of yours. Yet I feel insanely weak at the same time."

I figure ill put in the sweetest things i find. I can't believe i took this love for granted.

"I know you say I am too understanding and caring but since I have not had this much in the past I try to attach to people alot and then like you I end up getting hurt cause I get to attached. "

I definitely am too attached...but i thought that was ok...then i screwed up.

"I guess this is just weird for me cause I'm not use to being able to joke around or be a dork in front of girls that I like. You are just...i don't know what you are to me like I said its weird."

This is just too perfect for an explanation.
K, ADD moment...im talking to this girl who just joined the rpg (i think), she plays as this chick lilith....and she asked me how i was feeling and this was my answer...i just REALLY like the way i wrote it!
-like my soul has been torn out and beaten until it can no longer get up...now it lays there in a pool of its silvery blood, asking for forgiveness
k, back to reading and copy/pasting...no more of my comments till the end or this will be 10 pages long...

"Well I do love you and want to see you....but what else is new cause if I could I would see you everyday"

"I know you say that I am great and you don't deserve me but you are the first girlfriend that has ever treated me nice. I mean you joke with me and all but you accually show me that you care and you tell me. It really is kind of weird and new for me that I can just talk about anything to you from stubbing my toe to playing videogames or about them to if I had a bad day and dont' feel like talking."

"Just wait till the weekend and even if I get to see you for like 5 min. it will be worth it. Maybe even if you are doing your home work and I get to watch you do your homework I will just be happy as well. "

"The shed was fun and no I didn't mind us holding hands and all. I mean I was really tired and all so that may have helped with it but I do want to hold you and stuff but I always feel bad when we do it in public because I know how it is to be single and see people doing that and get upset and think just stop doing it god. So I mean I will be fine someday and we will do that alot and be fine." * i must make 2 comments on this....1)we still don't really hold hands...but it didnt even matter knowing he loved me, and 2) i never knew how much it could hurt to see two random people holding hands in the hallway.....

"Cause when you smile you are so beautiful and prefect. (right now you are thinking I don't deserve you at all, but you do)"

"something happened today that I felt I should tell you. I woke up this morning and felt alone and empty. I thought why do I feel like this but it suddenly hit me and I realized that I didn't have you in my arms."

" love you and you have been awsome to me and made me feel like I could be myself and not worry about it....yeah we have had are ups and downs but who doesn't. I know I don't want to give up on us and like I said I will be there at the drop of a hat to even just be the shoulder you cry on or if you even just need a hug"

"To tell you the truth if we end up together in the long run, which if I have anything to do with it I hope we do, i would be one hell of a happy guy. I really do love you and because we had a friendship first I think that is what is keeping us so strong"

"I know that you love me and I am glad for that and believe me every time I think about it, it makes my heart so very happy."

" You may have thought that I didn't want to spend time with you or that I was getting tired of you...well I am.....FOOOLLLEEDDD YYYOOOOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

"Hey I just wanted to let you know: (breath in) I love you I love you I love you I love you....ok well that was it.....oh did I mention I love you cause I do...." *this was actually about 100 'i love you's longer, but i cut it down...

" So I just wanted to thank you and tell you I love you more than anyone could ever love someone and you know by each day passing by and the thought of me comming home from work and you being in the bed in our house and I just put my arm around you and that feeling just lets me know that the world may be comming to an end but as along as I have you nothing could be wrong....well talk to you later and I love you " *this one struck home and hit hard....

Ok...thats all. That hurt more than i expected...alot more...i forgot how amazing he used to be...all the sweet things he used to say...hell hes still amazing...i can't stem the flow of love...im sorry

People won't leave me alone and just let me suffer...Fucking joseph keeps trying to get me to go out and he is the LAST person i want to even look at. This is harder htan i ever could have imagined

why on earth would i ever do anything to lose ben's love? well, no thats not right, he says i still have his love....his trust, his hugs, his company...at least for awhile?? only time will tell...but i am stupid.

:: 2005 18 March :: 7.37 pm
:: Mood: sad

yay...10th entry of the day...i finally found this song that ben once sang to my voicemail...it made my week...i heard it somewhere a couple of days ago and ive been hunting for it, but i forgot most of the words...now i can torture myself...i like to do that...

"Out Of My League" ~Stephen Speaks

it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she�s all that I see and she�s all that I need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

:: 2005 18 March :: 7.32 pm

wow...today alone ive written 8 entries..its because i can't find reason to do anything else but try to at least stem the flow of pain and tears...writing helps a little.

:: 2005 18 March :: 7.18 pm

When i am hurt, i end up turning to the only thing that does not ever fail me...words. I love quotes...they often describe my feeling quietly, humorously, or just better than i ever could. So here's to i believe the second entry of quotes im feeling.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
*Understatement of the moment....i think im making a trough from walking in circles so much.

Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. ~John Steinbeck, 10 November 1958
*a hopeful quote...but i dont know if i should keep this hope...it could end up scarring me forever in the end.

My love-lies-bleeding. ~Thomas Campbell
*another understatement....bleeding, searing, smashed and beaten....all in an unexpected instant.

As soon as forever is through, I'll be over you. ~Toto
*this is what i feel...and i have never felt so strongly as when i think of ben....no matter what the thought may be

Tears are the silent language of grief. ~Voltaire, A Philosophical Dictionary
*i love voltaire, and i have been speaking volumes in this quote's case

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese
*Another hopeful quote....true forgiveness is a rare and special gift

The past is not a package one can lay away. ~Emily Dickinson
*sadly...but otherwise we would never learn from it...it must be applied to everything...always learning.

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown
*Once again..this is just how i feel. I cannot turn off my pain, and even if things go well, i will be forever changed, newly fearful and untrusting.

Theres quite a few...but i love quotes as i said before...i was supposed to go out tonight with any number of different people..but i just can't. I don't even want to move...thank god im not taking the calc ap test...one more class that i can jsut cry in and not worry about failing.
Im trying to be not so angry and upset...trying to calm down...if for anything, getting all of my feelings out so that when we actually do talk, i will not hurt him with my sarcastic and mean quips. I don't want to do that to him. I want to rebuild and heal and fix and create. Something healthy and happy and full of hope.

:: 2005 18 March :: 6.53 pm

I wish i could talk to him...but he's not online. I don't think im allowed to call him yet. Not until we talk a bit first. I have a feeling i'm not going to hear from him much over then next week, which hurts alot...but i'm guessing he's gonna be busy hanging out with nicole and rachel...they'll be home for spring break. I suppose they could be home already...that would explain why he hasn't been online and why dan isn't answering my im's....

I feel this pit of sadness deep in me, but i read ben's emails again (when i'm slightly calmer) and he sounds like he really wants to work on it. He sounds like he doesn't want us to be over for good. Just for awhile. I wonder if he still wants to marry me someday...nevermind...he's probably put that out of his thoughts for now...too far in the future. I keep seeing little cute things from the past over and over again in my head. Tickle fights, playing champions, him helping me study for humanities using his ninja turtles sheets, the apple orchard (i still think he went just to appease me :-) .......), prom...god prom was so good. Anyway, all of these things make me not so angry....they still make me cry, but its more of a "i am an awful awful person for doing what i did to him"....and it's the sweet sorrow of seeing those things in my head and knowing there might not be any more...and hoping with all my heart that will be more, many more....even if it takes a little while.

I don't want to set myself up to be hurt again. This time is close to killing me and I don't think im going to be okay for a while. Im forcing myself to keep drinking at least water so I dont pass out. I don't want to tell ben that...but unless he's stopped reading this, then he knows.
I don't want him to be worrying about me...i really hope he has fun this week with the two girls...as much as it kinda twinges at me to say that. I can't really say it worries me, because there's not anything I CAN worry about now...he's not mine.

I'm sorry to anyone who reads these...they are very long and probably very repetitive as i go back and forth between anger and sadness, hate and hurt.

It's kinda funny....I couldn't do part of my bio lab today because i was shaking...actually its not funny at all. But I have to just deal with it.

:: 2005 18 March :: 3.00 pm

im chopping my hair off...i was going to wait until after prom, because i wanted to do a french twist....but now i can chop it all off...maybe this is all good...ill probably lose a few pounds from lack of eating (not that i enjoy it...) and i can cut my damn hair...ill hopefully look better...hotter maybe,????? i kept my prom appointment...just in case...but i highly doubt ill need it...theres no one i want to go with cept ben...but htat would be very bad...

:: 2005 18 March :: 2.43 pm

oh...btw...as you can see from my previous entry (actually next entry...they show these in the wrong order...) ive decided i can't NOT write in here...this is my outlet...i dont want the other outlets...they are in the far far past....

:: 2005 18 March :: 2.24 pm
:: Mood: crushed

I wrote something in my actual paper journal during third hour that i want to write in here. It is full of hatred and animosity and anger that i offer no explanation for except my scalding heart. What was written was written in anger, and most of it is gone, but the confusion and the determination remain

"I can hate him...at least a little. He dumped me over the fucking phone...which i suppose is an improvement but that shit go to get off the phone, go back to dan, probably say something to effect of "Yea...she cried...alot," then spend the evening killing things and hanging out so as to just forget it all for the moment (mind you, i don't know this...). Me, I had to sit there, ALONE, sobbing on the couch. And you know what else? the fucker couldn't even say, "caity, im sorry, but i just can't be with you right now." Instead he beat around the bush until i finally had to ASK HIM if he was leaving me!!!!! Why the fuck couldn't he say it, and to my face?! If he really truly wants to be friends first again, he has SOO much trust to gain back, so much respect. He has to be a friend! He lied to me for a month, told dan our children would have normal-sized noses (i don't why that specific incident bugs me so much...i think because it was only 3 days before he dumped me), and then made ME tell HIM he was breaking up with me!

I almost didn't tell anyone that. I didnt want to hear how awful it was...how horrible he was for doign that...so i told the one person who would probably shrug it off and forget it...unfortunately that person has been the downfall of my life so far...joseph. Damn it...but he's the only one who wouldnt tell me ben was a shit for nto being able to say it, but do it anyways. I told a few people that he did it over the phone, and they couldn't even BELIEVE it. It's BEN, after all. The sweet, kind boy everyone loves. Who knew such an amazing man could be so cruel.
My soul lies smashed on the floor. It has been burned and beaten until i don't even know if it can get back up. I want to fucking talk to him, no matter how awkward it may be, but he's taking his space...i hate email..it allows us to stay completely away from each other."

Well, there you have it...cruel and hurtful in a full circle. I still haven't eaten anything...everytime i try i just feel very very sick. And i can't stop crying....i keep hearing him talk about wanting to marry me and i remember before valentines day when i slept over at his house and he was just kinda talking quietly and he slipped and instead of the word 'if', said, "when we get married..." And i remember driving back home from NMU and he fell asleep on my shoulder (i finally got to drive)...he looked so peaceful.

I smelled either his cologne or actually i think it was his fricken deoderant walking down the hall to lunch today....I closed my eyes and this wave of emotion nearly swept me away. I almost fell over and when i opened my eyes, i had to swerve before running into a group of people.

Recently, i've been on an ee cummings kick. I love the crazy poetry and i tried getting bens opinion on one, but he 'didn't remember reading it'...its my favorite love poem and he probably didnt even take the 3 minutes to read it. But, heres another....i planned on emailing it to him, but decided against it when i realized it didnt matter...so now, a few weeks later, i put it here, for the world to read...maybe someone will understand how much i feel.... :-\

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

i love that poem...it carries so much love and passion...im still struggling with what to do with myself...we were given time today to work on our senior memory books...i had to face the fact that chapter 12 - the 'im really in love this time, mom' is bound to be the hardest and most painful to write...but it will still be beautiful...i hope to convey the love and not the pain.

:: 2005 17 March :: 10.55 pm

well they didnt block me...i suppose thats a plus. Time will tell, i guess...oh yea..im not supposed to be writing in here anymore...damn thats hard...this is second nature.

:: 2005 17 March :: 10.32 pm

i wish i had somewhere to go like he has dan's...i have fucked up everything around me. I'm sorry to anyone and everyone.

Im turning pitiful...i dont think i will write in here for awhile. I dont want ben to read this. See this effect. I want him to think im ok. If i don't write, eh won't know unless he asks...and i dont believe he will ask.

goodbye for some time

:: 2005 17 March :: 10.19 pm

Dan keeps having to suddenly go whenever i tlak to him...that hurts...and sucks. I think they both blocked me from their aol messenger names. I want to know if ben is at dans...fuck it ill jsut ask dan....even though he probably won't like it. he's there....well at least now i know i can't talk to him tonight. How am i ever supposed to talk to him if he's not there? Oh well, i guess that's up to him. He said he wants to keep talking...

I don't think i will talk to him next week at all...it will be too hard...i can't do it....but not talking to him, not trying, is going to be even harder....im stuck in a corner. I can't go anywhere. I can't make this stop. :'-(

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