nothing that has meaning is easy.

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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 17 March :: 9.44 pm

Im so sick of crying....my eyes are all puffy and i look like shit. I can't stop. It hurts. And my dad is picking this week to dig into me again...to take away my phone and try to make me do my brothers chores...im sorry....i have nothing positive to say tonight except that i made 70 dollars and got my mind off of ben for 2 hours while we were busy at chefs.

Damnit.........everytime i think im ok for a minute i break down sobbing. I don't know what to do to make it stop...i can't eat, i can't sleep i cant think. Everyone keeps telling me i should go to prom, and that i should go on a girls night out....but i can't go out like this...and i dont want to...laughing hurts more than crying...and i dont want to cheapen last years prom by going with someone random this year.

I hated getting off work tonight knowing that i wouldnt get a call at 10 saying goodnight and love you. It actually hurts me...my heart hurts...i want to make it stop...i want to claw my heart out of my body and make it stop hurting me like this.

He said he still wants to talk...or rather he wrote it...but same thing. Its going to awkward, and its going to hurt me very very badly...but its what i have to do. i brought this on and as much as i want the pain to stop, i feel i deserve it....argh.

:: 2005 17 March :: 3.43 pm

i dont know where to go from here....i wish for just once he would take the first step and start talking to me. I want to know my limits...can i just start tlaking to him again? do i have to wait awhile? what can i not talk about? are there limits? how do i rebuild his trust? what am i supposed to do...i need help and there is noone who can do it but him...*you say you still want to keep in touch...so keep in touch...at least give me some sort of heads up...im trying to respect what you want, but i dont know what that is other than separate. :-\ i want to start working on this right now...just push my grief away and become friends with you again and have you trust me. Please...please talk to me...if you really want to rebuild it, even if you just want friendshi back andnot loveat all, don't just drop it...*

I'm going to be a mess for a while. I can't stop crying...this dropped on me like a bomb and it hurts. i dont know who to talk to...id love to talk to dan....becasuse he's the same kind of sweetheart that ben is...but im afraid of dan feeling like hes in the middle...i dont want to hurt him at all either! IM SO LOST.......The hurt i can live with and accept as a consequence (a horrible one) of what i have done wrong. but being lost i can't deal with.

:: 2005 17 March :: 3.34 pm

i think ben has blocked me from his aol messenger...he still shows up as online in yahoo but not aol...thats a punch in the face...maybe he just got kicked off...maybe this is him saying im done...dont talk to me?

:: 2005 17 March :: 2.45 pm
:: Mood: depressed

A little over a year ago, i wrote a story. It was a pretty bad story, 7 or 8 pages long. It was about a girl...Caderyn, who was madly in love with her boyfriend, brody...they had this special little thing where they hugged each other REAL tight. One day Brody went missing. A few weeks later, he came by caderyn's house on a motorcycle and told her he was leaving forever so she wouldn't get hurt. He was all beat up and quite ragged. When he left, she followed him. He went into an abandoned warehouse and she was hot on his heels. When the mean guys who were there saw caderyn, they shot her. (i think i took this part from something ben wrote a long time ago). The bad guys left and brody rushed to caderyn's side...but it was too late...she finally whispered i love you to him (she had been afraid to say it out loud before) as she died in his arms.

Horrible story isn't it....it killed me to write it, but i HAD to finish it. i've meant to go back and fix it, but it never wanted to be fixed. It's in the past...i still take it out and read it. It reminds me of the pain and love. Argh...i wish he would talk to me...my secretly named brody.

:: 2005 17 March :: 2.25 pm
:: Mood: cold

I'm so very confused and lost. I have thought about this nonstop, not sleeping or participating in class, and i don't understand how he could give up on us without even trying to talk to me. I almost expect him to call me and tell me it was all a joke, april fools...how can he love me and just give up on me? So what is it? Why am i not good enought to fight for, to fight WITH? I hate myself. I wish i could have been better for him, to him. Kept from hurting him, kept from him getting away from me. My body actually hurts with want of him and i keep smelling his cologne every time i walk down the halls and i have nowhere i can go and be okay. I wish i knew how he wanted to be loved, what he wanted, what he dreamed of.

How could i have trusted him with my innermost feelings and thoughts when he just kept himself closed up? I should have known i was setting myself up for disaster, but I didnt! I TRUSTED him....TRUSTED him not to LIE to me, not to PRETEND, not to act like everything was okay and TELL me it was okay! Why would he do that to me if he really really loved me and wanted to be with me? Why am i not the one for him? why am i not good enough...im sick of crying GODDAMNIT!

Even now, with tears streaming down my face, I want to forgive him for lying, and talk to him....just talk and talk and talk and talk until all of his fears are out and he's laid as wide open as me. I gave him everything i had, and it wasn't enough to trust me, to have faith in me even when i made mistakes! I was drunk!!! I knew he was gonna be spending this whole next week with nicole and i told him i worried....told him because ti was on my mind and i loved him. Told him that it was up to him and that i would live with it, even when it was hard to accept. TRUSTED him and told him the TRUTH!

Goddamnit i love him....i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know what to say or what to think and i keep getting angry and then very sad and then hopeful and then depressed and i hate myself because i still wonder what he's doing right now!!!!!!!!! Is he livin up the single life already? Checking out some girl at MCC? Feeling the effect of the torture his lie has caused??? He won't tell me. He doesn't tell me anything unless he sees it fit...sees that it won't hurt me! Well, damnit, he lied to me, told me it was all good, and now his lie has hurt worse than the truth EVER could! It has devastated me and destroyed me and knocked me out from under my own feet. I am left standing here with nothing underneath me. No warning, no talking, no nothing. how can he say he loves me? does he? HE WONT TELL ME!!!!!!! WHY WON'T HE TALK!!!!! Why was our relationship not important enough to voice? To take care of and nurture and cherish? Am i really not that special??

I want him back...i want his sweet smile and his kind heart and i want him to talk....why why why would he lie to me? why hurt me like that if he loves me? please talk to me....how can we even be friends if i fear him lying? i want to talk to him...i want him to talk to me. Make this a third time you finally come out and be truthful and honest and open. For friendships sake if nothing else. A friendship cannot be built without trust and love.

:: 2005 17 March :: 7.30 am
:: Mood: exanimate

woohoo...1 and a half hours of sleep...yes thats sarcasm. I'm considering killing (or having run away) the girls in the rpg's im in. In both of htem i'm companions or at least nearby to ben's characters for them moment. I don't know if i have the willpower to joke and run with them....but that cann wait...thats the least of my worries.

I have to work tonight....yay...listen to lovey dovey frank sinatra and dean martin for 4 hours. Last time (around new years) i couldn't even stand work...the songs stabbed me in the heart, and made me want to sit on the floor and cry. Is that selfish??? I suppose it is....i have work to do...put on a happy face. I dont want to move anymore....i missi him already, even though not seeing him for a day or two is commonplace....this is like theres a new hole n my heart...a gaping sore that people will surely poke. Bring them on....i hurt him...apparently worse thna i ever could have thought, for it to have THIS effect, for him to give up on us...no thats not right...for him to need this drastic of measure to be ok(not quite but closer). I want him...want to hug him and tell him it'll be okay and how much i love him....tell him i dont want to lose him ever....would it even help?

:: 2005 17 March :: 1.49 am
:: Mood: numb

ha. i just checked my email...as if he would write anything...he hasn't in quite some time...what would he have to say now? I have to stop myself...im still overflowing with love......and i need to turn it off. I dont want to turn it off. He's not just some random boy i came across and decided to fall in love with. He's the slightly quiet, kind, sweet, funny-thumbed angel who tried to hit on me once with a line about fairy queens...he's the man i felt i could finally trust my heart withk, after being disappoionted by so many others. The one man ive ever met who EVERYONE loves and adores. The one guy i could totally be myself around, where i didn't have to pretend. In him I found almost everything i wanted. THe only 'flaws' - he;s not a whole lot bigger or taller than me, actually i may be bigger than him, and hes not the badass i thought i wanted. But i threw all of those stupid prejudices out the window when i got to knw him a little. And then i fell in love. I think i may actually have found my soulmate (though im not sure he'd agree) and idont think you ahve more than one ever........and mine is slipping out the door...back into 'friendship' land.

I wish i could see inside his head right now...see if he was drowning as much as i am. I wish i could take all of his pain away. Wipe it clean like a blackboard.

There's this movie the butterfly effect...excellent movie. It's about this guy who falls madly in love with a girl but his love only ends up hurting her, even though he goes back in time to try and save her. At the end of the movie, he goes back to when they first met and tell her that he hates her and never wants to see her again. This leads to her having a great life and forgetting about him. When i saw that (3 times in 24 hours), I thought to myself that if i ever hurt ben, i wish i could go back in time and erase our meeting. Take it from him so i never got the chance to hurt him, even if that meant I wouldn't get my chance to love him. Just to know that he was happy, no matter where he was, would be good enough for me.

But i never wanted that to happen....me to hurt him. Maybe he's just too good for me...honestly. He's such a good person...he deserves the best of everything, and ive said that all along. I jsut wish i could give it to him. My heart is heavy and full of pain. I wish i could go over to his house right now and hug him and say, "lets work this out." "lets finally talk." but i don't think he would have it. He doesnt talk. I wish we could. I wish alot. But right now, wishing is al i can do. I can't push him...otherwise i would talk to him, write him, call him. I'm a talker...i believe in talking out problems and working on them...i dont give up easily...

I still dont understand...baby steps maybe...but this is like a bat to the back of the knees when my back was turned. He wants to rebuild our friendship....but what is wrong with it now??? We goof around, we play together, we talk........what more does he want? I can't be perfect for him. I make mistakes, I do things without thinking all the way through sometimes. I think im trying to talk myself out of more cryng...but tis not helping. I'm jsut hurting myself more becasue its making harder to see why he did this to me...again. He has his reasons though....I wish eh would have tlaked to me about them...worked on them, owrked through them. But nw it ahs come to this, and i must wait to see if i am worthy of his heart again.... :-'(

i need to get sleep.........but i hate lying in my bed.....i jsut thnk. And it hurts.

:: 2005 17 March :: 1.02 am

can't sleep...and now noone's online anymore....not even danel or amanda to take my mind off ben...

I wish there was something i could do...the whole time he was online, i wanted to talk to him, but i didnt know what to say. I don't want to push him (well, actually a large part of me does, but the good part of me doesn't)...but i dont want to stop talking to him either. So what do i do? i dont think he'll take the initiative and talk to me...I'd have to start the conversation...and then it would be very awkward and sturttered i fear...

My body feels like its on fire...i cant even t hink straight...my headache kinda went away...lots of excedrin is the only way to go.

Going back to an earlier entry...the one where i talked about being on the couch with him and watching big daddy forever and a day ago...i wish it had ened like that this time. Instead it ended with him sticking his hand goofily down my pants and pinching at my nipples...nice way to end things...a few little last feels. Damnit. I'm glad i at least restrained him a little....i didnt like doing that when dan was right there. i wish id kissed him longer, hugged him longer....i dont even know.....i just hate this ending...a few last grabs for my memory, and an awful phone call.

I wonder if he knew what he was going to do to me today when we hung out last night.......if he did and i find out.......i dont think i will be able to live with myself.....i would feel like a sleazy little ho....easy to please and even easier to get to. Just let me fall for you a little.

I'm in a very bitchy angry mood again. I wish i could curl up and not wake up until 90 years had passed me by and then i wouldnt hurt him with my sadness. I wish i could hate him for this...but all ive done so far is defend him...not in here necessarily but to the outside world... :'-(

:: 2005 16 March :: 10.35 pm

i want to go to bed........but i wont sleep...ill just lie there, and probably cry which i finally stopped doing for a bit here....i can't stop writing in here. it seems to be my downfall when im hurt now. I just keep writing. At least i've calmed down a little bit. I dont want to accpet what has happened...at all. I want to wake up from this and have it all be a horrible dream...maybe even wake up in his arms after a nap. But thats not gonna happen. The real hurt hasnt sunk in yet. It's sitting there on the edge, and it comes and goes with waves of sobbing, but it's not fully here. I recognize it from last time...and i don't want it.

I hated taking a shower tonight...i considered not doing it...just curling up in a ball on the kitchen floor. I wish i had...taking a shower meant taking off all of my clothes and seeing the little bruises up and down my body...the last little glimpses from ben's full body hickey attack. One is stil a bright purple...its a good one, and i dont think its going to go away for at least another week. i wonder if i could get away with not changing clothes or showering for a week...

I had to change my pajama shirt...i sprayed my other one with his cologne last night (my brother wears it too) before i went to bed and it still smelled like him. I can't handle that right now....not his smell...that's like a drug to me, it makes me feel all woozy and soft and happy.

I was going to go to the fitness center in the morning...but i dont think im going to get any sleep and i have to work tomorrow night...thats gonna be pleasant. So i guess im gonna sleep in. Who cares if I'm not in shape now? hahaha. I hate that i'm being so goddamn sarcastic, and that im swearing so much, but it's what i do.

I still remember the last time i saw him before the first time he broke up with me. We were in his brother's room with the big couch and TV (this was before his brother moved out)...i think we were watching big daddy (the only reason i remember that is because it and he became part of a story where caderyn died at the end). Anyway, we were watching big daddy and lying on the couch and we just kept doign little kisses. No hardcore making out, just little kisses like i give(gave) him now(before). I thought it was the best night of my life, until he dumped me the next day....i don't even know why i brought this up...there's not really a point..probably jsut hurting myself even more...but that actual night is a sweet memory, because i was blinded in ignorance.

Argh..i could go on and on and on about sweet moments i remember, but there's so many that it would probably tke days and i dont think anyone really wants to read sappy goop.

I want to keep typing because it gives me something to do and i can't feel the pain so much, but I'm runnign out of safe things to talk about. I don't want ben to read this and hurt more...

Hmm...well here's something fun to talk about...i'm (hopefully) going to go down to new orleans for spring break to visit Amanda! That brightens my night about a half a shade....it would be nice....otherwise i think id sit in my room the whole week and cry. Hehehe...she asked me if i had a fake ID...Valedictorian of MCHS is encouraging me to be a bad kid. Meh, i've had people say they thought i was as old as 22...heehee. maybe i'll actually get to have a little fun when i go down there. Get a little drunk (not alot....im definitely over anything more than a buzz pretty much EVER again...unless it fits into certain circumstances), hang out with mahnks a bit, maybe get some good chem notes, sit in on a class or two...that would actually be really neat.

So much for doing my calculus homework...i really thought i was gonna be productive tonight when ben didn't call. and then he did. and then 3 hours flew by in a headachy blur. and now my calc book is still sitting under my arms open to the homework i was supposed to do. Oh well, i decided im not taking the AP test for it. There's no way i'd pass.

Well, I almost haven't talked about ben in 2 paragraphs. Im all shaky and cold, but im sweating...i dont like this. But this is what i get i guess...for what, i guess for drinking and not being able to control my actions.......argh. I hate learning lessons.

:: 2005 16 March :: 10.12 pm

i feel tortuous. I feel like by writing in here, im hurting him and i feel like that's wrong. But is it? He sprung this on me out of nowhere and it hurts. This is my journal, my place to try to find out why or what im feeling. I'm torn because this is my place, but i feel like its his a little tiny bit as well. He gains insight from what i write, learns from how im feeling. Argh...im not going to agonize over it. My place, my feelings, my hurt. I wish i could sit him down face-to-face and talk to him about this. I hate the phone for things like this. I'd ask him to forgive and forget, to move on and know that it wouldn't happen again. But the chances of a talk with him are slim to none. Plus, i dont think doing this was easy on him. Goddamn, this shows how much i love that boy. I'm experiencing the worst pain in my life for the second time now, and i'm still worried about HIM!

:: 2005 16 March :: 9.01 pm
:: Mood: hurting

Ok, so this is my 8th entry. Hahahaha......i tend to write alot when im pissed or upset. I'm at a loss for everything....words, thoughts, everything.

This stupid nose thing is absolutely killing me. 4 FUCKING days ago, me, him, and Dan were sitting at his kitchen table eating pizza. We were making fun of Dan's ginormous nose and Dan supposedly cursed Ben's children with big noses. Ben felt his own nose to see how big it was....then he felt mine to see how big it was and said something to effect of, "Nope, we'll be fine."

I kinda hope Ben isn't reading these. This is a horrible emotional wrath and I actually should apologize to anyone who's reading this...im in an emotional turmoil...going back and forth between horribly angry and horribly hurt and horribly confused and horribly lost and sometimes a brilliant combo of the 4. Im just lost. And i want him back.

Im doing pretty good about setting up my wall. I'm not convincing allix, but i think the rest of humanity will none the wiser to my state of being. Look, im even being scholarly and logical and eloquent (uses big words!).

I feel like i should have waited to write in here, because i tend to write very angrily when something bad first happens.

:: 2005 16 March :: 7.59 pm

I find it funny....earlier this evening i was going on about how much i wantd to make love to him...so much for that...but htat wasn't the important part of the relationship anyway.

How do i know he's not lying to me now?????!!!!!! How do i know something didn't happen...he talked to someone and they talked him into it, he saw a hot girl at meijer, how the fuck do i know!??! I fucking trusted him and he never told me anything. I went off absolutely nothing while he had my entire sould bared to him in this journal!

Everyone in my house is telling me they can't believe he's still hung up on that. I was drunk, and as my aunt says, its not like i slept with him. They don't understand how he can love me so much and not be forgiving at all. So is it true? Is that the reason? If he lied about one thing, why not another? He says it goes back to his mom...

Everyone, mom, dad, allix (who if finally home) all say they don't understand how this just came out of nowhere....everything was perfectly good! Maybe he is lying...to save face? to keep from hurting me more?

I want him back. I want him smiling and happy and i want to wrap myself in him and drown myself in his smell. I want him to forgive me for a stupid mistake i made. I don't think he's lying....but that leaves me with no explanation. He said before he'd basically made a mountain out of a mole hill (in other words, a big deal out of nothing). He said he was past it. Why would he lie like this?

I'm talking to allix as i write this...probably the 5th entry of the night. She says it's not like him to spring this outta nowhere. He seemed fine! Just last night I was over at Dan's with him....he was goofin around and kissing me and even sticking his hand down my pants.

Fuck, allix is calling him. She wants to talk to him. Oh well, that's up to her. I can't stop her, and i didnt tell her to call him.

I don't understand. I never thought of him as the 'pretending' type. I never thought of him as the cheating type because of his mom, and recently i thought he'd never lie, because ya know what...nicole said she'd pretended when she said she loved him. GODDAMNIT...this is what i get. Why would he lie to me! i cannot get over that. If he loved or loves me why would he ever lie to me after everything! I don't think i know the whole story...but i don't know if i want to...I just can't see this as coming out of nowhere, when he was hunkydory two days ago....maybe i really DIDN'T knwo him....and after all the times he said i did!!!!!!! I HATE BEING LIED TO!!!!!!!!! he knows that! I told him that all the time...lying hurts and hurts and hurts...ok, no more rambling for the moment
im sure there will be another entry in 5 minutes

:: 2005 16 March :: 7.49 pm

My mom says she can't believe he's still upset over New Years...and then she asked what i thought....

It doesn't matter what i think...i fucked up and i can't turn back the clock and I WISH HED FUCKIN TOLD ME!!!!!!! I cant trust anyone...i knew that when we started going out...but he was my miracle and my angel.

Noone is answering their phones. I'd even try calling dan but he's at ben's and he probably talked to ben all about this and id hate to put im in the middle. I don't want to be angry at him, but it's like he nursed me back into safe love and then when my back was turned rippeed my heart out and stomped on it a few times for good measure. Why would he lie to me? I feel like a sleaze. I can't believe i agreed to that foursome when things were still shaky. Just wanted to make him happy. At least then i knew the truth though, knew things were shaky. Hell, if I hadn't agreed to that, maybe we would have been broken up awhile ago. I don't know what to do right now.

I knew i should never have thought that far ahead. I told him, numerous times that when i want something and i say it, it doesn't happen. Yet another proof worthy case.

Goddamnit i love that kid so much. While fretting over why he hadn't called, I sat and looked at this picture him and dan sent me last night. It was of him in a crazy wide-brimmed hat and full cowboy gear and he's grinning like a fool! i just sat there and stared into his eyes. Ok, well, once again, i know he read this, so i'm gonna stop now. I can't imagine reading this is easy. Maybe he even decided to stop reading these now. Or maybe (and this is only to torture myself), him and dan are both reading this, wondering why they know such an immature kid.

:: 2005 16 March :: 7.46 pm

MY FUCKING AUNT IS MAKING THIS ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEST WEEK EVER!

:: 2005 16 March :: 7.25 pm
:: Mood: devastated

......he just dumped me. I don't know what to do wtih myself....i don't want to wrtie much here...he reads these. If this is what he needs to be happy though, then i will jsut have to deal with it. That's all i ever wanted was for him to be happy. He's been pretending for the last 3 months...damn him. So much for talking being the basis of our relationship. Well at least he has dan there. I don't know how dumpers deal with things though. Me, I'm home alone and none of my friends are home...well amanda called. But she doesn't erally know what to say.

Hell, I dont even know what to say. I feel like im dreaming because other than today, i thought it was good! GODDAMNIT, eh checked my nose size to make sure his kids' noses wouldn't be big!

He said we could still go to prom. But i think if we did, i'd spend the whole time trying to get him back, and my dancing would probably not turn him off. I don't want to do that to him. I find this kind of funny because I was just talking to cole about how jealous i am. And it's sick really. I wanted all of his love, and i think i had it. I loved him with all i had, and there's my mistake. I have nothing to pick up now. I love too much....loved.....no...love. I took that picture off my wallpaper already...it killed me to look at his eyes.

i have to go....i dont know if there will be any more entries in here anymore....fuckin crazy aunt was crazy...hahaha....... :'-(

:: 2005 16 March :: 6.43 pm
:: Mood: crushed

i can't even stay angry damnit....a picture of him and dan is on my computer as the wall paper and looking at it i just want to hug him, not kick him.....damn me.

:: 2005 16 March :: 6.22 pm

I have spent yet another afternoon waiting, hoping that ben will call, only bcause he said he would, said he'd be home, said he wanted to see me. And then he forgets. i cannot win...but i saw him yesterday, so i guess that's fine. And i want to cry, because i am sick of being forgotten...i guess boys will be boys...why am i so forgiving? he does this alot. It was a maybe, i suppose i didnt hear it or something, MAYBE they would be home. At least he's out having fun with dan and not sitting around not calling. Whatever, i guess I'll go do my calc (i NEVER do my calc)...i did all my chores already...i didn't want anything to stop me from seeing him...he did. Oh well, i'll end up telling him i'm sorry. Why do i keep setting myself up for this? Because i love him...damnit

:: 2005 16 March :: 4.37 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

FUCK!!!!!!!!! i hate twhen fricken 2 pages of writing get deleted!!!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMNIT!

I don't want to start over...fuck it...short summary.

I want to see ben and make love to him very loudly for numerous hours, but i can't get time with him lately when noone else is around. I hate pda when only one other person is around...it seems mean and when youre in a big group theres less chance of being caught. I need a prom dress soon or else im gonna get stuck with something i hate. I need to pay for AP tests. me and ben need to order that toy soon if we want it before prom. I still don't know what's going on for after prom...i don't know if ben has a final that monday...i almost don't even want to go to prom anymore....except i do. Im angry because this and more was almost 2 pages and it just got deleted. goodbye...i dont care.

:: 2005 14 March :: 11.37 pm
:: Mood: content

Hmmm...today was interesting...i went to the fitness center after school with jill (i think ben may have thought i said joe...). I called the two boys after school and they seemed very distracted. Hopefully it was just cuz they were at player's bench. I hope they're ok. They sounded very down and sad. :-\

I went out for coffee with a very interesting person today...Kathleen. I haven't talked to her in probably a year. It was really nice. We stil have alot in common and talking was really easy.

Hmmm...so my aunt calls me over to the light under the sink after dinner and proceeds to show me two things: one is her gold, diamond, 3.5 (which is ALOT) carat wedding ring which i will get when i get married! It's valued at almost $7000! Plus, because she knows i don't like gold, she said i could take the main diamond out (1.5 carats) and put it in a silver setting to use either for my wedding ring, or just a gorgeous ring to wear....the other thing is a $7500 emerald ring....the pluses of having a rich, albeit crazy aunt.... :-)

Alright..i dont feel like typing anymore tonight...least not in here....lalalla...night night

:: 2005 14 March :: 1.25 pm
:: Mood: worried

Ok, so i just looked at MCC's Academic Calendar (I keep asking ben about it, but i'm impatient, and i had extra time in College writing today...i actually DID my paper!)....and his exams could be the monday after prom...argh! ALso...his fall semester next year starts August 22, monday. I was hoping he could come up to Northern with me on the 25th to help move in and so i could say proper goodbyes and all that from there. :-( I guess we will see what happens now. He still has to see if he actually has finals that day, and if so, when. Argh.......this complicates things, but I hope it will still work out well! :-) I'm trying to look forward to prom, but so far, it hasn't been going so well. It's only a month away, and i still don't have a dress or any definite plans other than spending all the time i can with ben! heehee.....alright, im outta here....i joined another rpg, by the way. It's a lord of the rings one that ben/dan created. :-) i love it!!!!!

:: 2005 12 March :: 3.40 pm
:: Mood: argh

Hmmm...my stress level is going to be skyrocketing this next week. a) ben's not going to be home, because his dad is going to las vegas and he doesn't want to be stuck with his mom. b) my psychotic aunt is staying with us till the 20th. The only plus is that she'll be leaving on me and ben's anniversary. But for the next week, I don't get to escape and go see ben...and im probably gonna be stuck at home talking to the psycho. Wow. This blows.

At least i had a good night last night. Me and ben went out to chef's and had awesome food and then we went to see the musical which wasn't nearly as bad as i though it was gonna be. Jade actually did pretty good with the part of dorothy. Then we went back to ben's house and watched tv for a bit and he laced my body with kisses and hickeys (i looked like i was beat up~heehee). Unfortunately, all good things must come to and end and i had to go and pick up my brother. But i though the night rocked. However, i've discovered i actually prefer staying in with him (or hanging out with him and fiegen) to going out. When you're out in public, you have to behave and you can't be quite as close unless you want to gross everyone out. At home, you can relax and hold each other and be goofy.

Argh...my dad keeps going off on me and how i'm never home and never do anything around the house. I try to keep quiet about it so noone worries about me, but i'm so sick of it. he's mean and calls me awful names and then he makes me help him. My mom just keeps telling me to 'cope' and i try to make jokes about it, but it's killing me. I'm miserable. i've been doing pretty good about keeping up a wall about it, but it's getting alot harder as he gets worse. It's like he wants me to really hate him before i leave. He laughs at me when i cry and won't leave me alone for more than 10 minutes. Then he wonders why I don't want to be at home.

I can't even think about this next week. And my mom just told me she's not going to be home. And i can't go to my brothers or anything because i have school.

Ok, sorry this got depressed fast. i hate what my dad does to me and i hate how it affects my mood. I wish i could just be happy all the time. It's hard pretending.

Oh well. Things are going pretty well in the rest of my life. Things with ben are absolutely astounding. It's almost like when we just started going out all over again. I love seeing him smile. School's going ok, but i did really bad on my calc test and my humanities papers are going badly. But i finished my college writing paper.

Hmm...ok, im gonna finish up my paper. I was supposed to have turned it in already, but i figure as long as it's in before monday ill be fine. And if not, oh well. Thats life.

:: 2005 10 March :: 10.04 pm
:: Mood: blah

Argh...my mom is a demonic bitch sometimes. She constantly gives me shit about money, but she buys my brother whatever he wants!!!!! argh. Ok, thats enough bitching or else im just gonna start spazzing about how i have no money! :-\

I get to take ben out tomorrow! We're goin to the musical and out to chef's....hopefully it will be fun.

I've taken up rpg's online....its alot of fun...heehee i just did my first post and the guys say it's good...i like writing...it makes me happy..

Actually i have at least one paper to write tonight.....hmmm i need to go do taht. Sorry for the shortness. Later to all.

:: 2005 8 March :: 1.56 pm
:: Mood: horny and cranky

my choice of moods is a very bad combination. :-D I don't know why im so cranky.....hmmm actually i do. I had to stay up till 3 working on biology (i didnt think I had THAT much to do)....thank god we didnt go to the fitness center. I would have been exhausted. Yay...i'm gonna tell chef i dont wanna work tomorrow and then i hopefully get to see ben. bwahahaha.... ;-) yea im horny......hahaha....ok im really non-typingishy. No thats not a word and yes it makes no sense. I went from being in a writing mood to complete death! Heehee...i'll probably write more later

:: 2005 7 March :: 10.25 pm
:: Mood: yay

im hyper........and i wanna see ben.......and jump ben. ;-) teehee! our new computer rocks!!!!! yay!!!!! ok im done....bye bye

:: 2005 7 March :: 7.26 pm
:: Mood: good

This weekend was awesome. Everything seems to be okay now. I got to see ben on sunday as well. Me and him and Dan played video games and they introduced me to this new rpg. I don't know if I'll have the creativity to do it, but i think it will be alot of fun!

i had a 'twitch' moment yesterday. Me and ben were laying on his bed and dan was on the computer. dan was saying how they could take the boat out over spring break because it should be warmer. The he mentioned something about how excited he was that ray was coming back home. Twitch moment: the 4 of them (dan, ben, ray, nicole) go out on the boat, have a few drinks, and all end up in the hot tub making out, or worse. I don't believe it will happen, but it just goes to show that my imagination gets away from me. I thought i did good; i just shook my head a little to kinda shake out the image. But alas, ben has very keen eyesight and he dragged me out into the hall to confess. I hate that i do that, but it's not like i mean to....it's just what my brain naturally does.

Now to touch on a touchy subject....i got a glimpse at what ben went through during new years. mind you, i didnt even have to experience it, it was all in my head, but damn it sucked. :-(

Hmmm...anyway, i went and worked out today. I tried to convince ben to come with me, but he favored sleep which is understandable. It was hard, because i'm really workin my muscles, but it feels good. Im dragging allix there tomorrow at 530 am. It's wicked early but i have to work all week so if i dont go in the mornings before school, i won't be able to go until saturday.

I haven't talked to ben at all today. I meant to call him this morning before he left for school but i slept through the alarm. We had a very interesting conversation last night which led to very heightened states of arousal and now we don't get to see each other till saturday or sunday. :-( This week I'm the one working all the time.

hehehehehehe....we found a new 'toy' that could be put to VERY!!! good use. ;-)

I still can't get over how awesome he's been lately.......hahahaha except yesterday he went to massage my arm (it was WICKED sore from workin out) and he dug into the muscle too hard, which hurt alot.......i feel bad because i've kinda been out of comission....my arm muscles are so sore that i can't even give him a really good tight hug. :'-(

I'm so sickeningly in love right now. It drives me crazy.......i never wanna leave him. I figure eventually he's gonna get sick of me.....but until then, I will see him whenever i can!

:: 2005 5 March :: 10.16 pm
:: Mood: utterly blissful

I'm having a great week. I told ben all my doubts and fears and now theyre out in the open and they can go away. I got to see him for pretty much the whole day today. We finally got around to taking that nap too! :-D It was completely unplanned too, which made it 100 times nicer. He just got really quiet (i actually thought he was upset or sick for a bit, because he stopped talking, but then i saw his eyelids start to flutter and i just stroked his hair till he closed his eyes completely)...He didn't want to fall asleep because he always says he'd rather spend time with me, but I think he needed to catch up on sleep and i was definitely tired, so it was a good thing.

I worked out with Joseph for an hour and a half today. That was hard, because he kept pushing me to do more. Now that i know how to use everything though, i can go by myself. I think i worked my arms too much and my legs and abs not enough. Work was tough, because i couldn't really lift anything too heavy. I had to have erin lift the bread cutter.......i couldnt do it!

I'm having such a good time with ben lately. He's just so amazing....i love watching him sleep or even stare off into space. I love his facial expressions and every curve of his body. *sigh* I'm such a hopeless romantic. I'm trying to spend every spare second with him lately, because summer is going to be really busy and once school starts, the seconds i see him are going to be far apart. Plus, with the great connection we've had lately, even every second doesnt feel like enough. i want to drink him in and stay wrapped up in his arms forever. I hate leaving. Watching him walk back into the house while i drive off is horrible. All i want to do is throw the car in park and join him. :-D But alas, i can't always have what i want...and if i do ever get that, i will appreciate it much more. Everything's better when you have to wait for it.

Alright, i'm gonna go do jigsaw puzzles or somehting....heehee.

night

:: 2005 4 March :: 10.46 am

ok, so no more private entries. I guess....well all the ones that wree private are public now. i just have to live and let live. At least he knows everything now. Meow. I'm so hopelessly in love... :-)

:: 2005 3 March :: 10.28 pm

dont read this
im torn between everything im writing tonight. I made an entry private after much deliberation but then i keep writing entries like these...should i just delete the controversial entry and leave my feelings in the dust? i feel like i should...i do it often. The plain and simple truth is that i think ALOT...and i have alot of thoughts that ben wouldnt like. I don't think about them often, and they don't really bug me too much, but if i write them here, he reads them and i don't always want him to. But then i make them private (well theres only like 3 or 4 entries now that are private) and feel like i shouldnt be hiding my feelings from him. But he gets to tell me only what he wants. ARGH! this whole journal drives me insane! I think i've deleted 7 entries tonight. i write them and then i decide theyre too mean or sarcastic or bitchy or complainy or whiny or sad and i dont want him to get upset with me. He gets upset with alot of my thoughts or ideas....thats where my whole problem comes from, im afraid of aggravating him. And see, now that i've said that, i want to delete this entry. I'm so weak! I can't tell him that i'm afraid of him getting frustrated with me....im scared one day he'll get frustrated enough to just say fuck it and leave. There are so many thoughts i have, things i know, things i never wanted to know. I should delete this.

He makes me happy....don't doubt that. Dont ever doubt that. I love him so much it drives me crazy. I go out of my way to see him every chance i get and try to keep things creative and interesting.

I hate holing thoughts away in my head. I probably shouldnt be writing any of this because with my luck i will stupidly make this public and it will unleash a whole batch of hell upon the earth, because im cranky and when i get cranky i talk from my heart and my head and everything. When im not so damn cranky i tend to know when to keep my mouth shut. He's going to be so upset.......he'll think im immature....or else he'll get pissed that i think he'll think im immature....yea try and figure that out. i dont know what to do. maybe i should just forget the whole thing.

screw it. these are my feelings....this is my journal. I love ben with all my heart and i can only hope he can just accept that i feel how i feel when i do. i want to apologize for this whole entry and all my thoughts, but i can't anymore...this is supposed to be where i can WRITE. not worry like i do about what i say and how i put down my thoughts.

I want to stay with this man forever. I feel sometimes like my thoughts could cause him to go away. Like what i think about may cause him to really think, and leave. I don't even know what to do with the thoughts in my head usually! They just sit there and i tell noone because there is noone to tell.

I dont want my innermost thoughts to cause me to lose him. They're just thoughts. They don't haunt me like ghosts at night and they don't torture my soul...they just make me wonder for a bit. But i feel like i can never ask him. Sometimes i am afraid of the answer. Other times i just feel like i shouldnt bring it up.

I always want to be completely honest and open with him...i give him my heart, all of it, and that means honesty and truth and love. Maybe i just like to torture myself. I wish i didnt frustrate him. Goddamnit, what is he going to think if he reads this??????????? I don't want him to read this....

I want to be his everything, his angel, his miracle, the girl of his dreams....i know i am, but there are little twitches...little things he's said that will always obscure things. argh!

he's back.....this is going to be private for now.......i can't decide if i want him to read it

:: 2005 3 March :: 10.10 pm
:: Mood: sad

i hate that i cant write what i really feel in here.

well i can, but noone sees it.

i guess thats how it goes

this will aggravate ben....he will sigh.
goodnight

:: 2005 3 March :: 9.52 pm

dont read this it will only piss you off
i hate walking on eggshells....but i do it all the time with ben. Yes, thats right, im gonna be a strong cranky complainer and not make this private. I feel like i always have to watch what i say so i dont make him upset. I frustrate him all the time, i can hear it in his voice. I complain too much. I hate upsettting him. I dont want to write in here anymore. Or maybe i do. i'm being stupid today...thats what he will say, im being immature. why? am i that dumb? im afraid to write this. he will read it and get upset. ill probably delete it in two minutes, just like i have the past three entries i just tried writing. I'm tempted to make all my private entries public. im being a sarcastic bitch. im sorry. see? i complain and i always have to apologize and feel badly about who i am. i wish i could change and be who he wants me to be. hes gonna be mad when he reads this...ill be overreacting and he'll roll his eyes and give an aggravated sigh. I hate that i invoke those feelings in him. i wish i was different...i wish i was happy all the time and never worried about anything. I dont want him to read this...i dont know why im even writing it. It will just make him angry or frustrated and im so stupid and afraid.

There, no more i promise. Back to how i write.

I was going to go on a weeklong fast starting sunday. ben thinks its a bad idea, and we're going out to dinner on friday, so i guess thats out the window. I made 40 dollars at work today. That rocked. I can't wait for pool season to start. I really hope i get to run alot of stuff.

I cant do it. I'm so afraid of pissing ben off. I'm such a fucking people pleaser. i dont think im going to make this a public entry. It will cause too many problems. He called me immature once because i worried about him when he didnt call for two days. It hurt so bad and it really made me angry, because he'd said he'd call. But i brushed it off, because otherwise he would stay angry. He's my ultimate weakness. he makes me feel like a stupid little girl. what would he think if he read this??? im betting hed think i was immature...again. :'-(

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