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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 2 March :: 10.10 pm

Ben left me the greatest email today. It was short and funny and sweet and it completely made my day. Boys and girls heed my advice: leave short little emails for your significant other! It could make their day or at least put a smile on their face.

I'm torn. I'm excited about college because i get to leave the highschool, but then it makes me very sad because i'm going to be so far away from ben. I hate talking about it. Nevermind. We'll work it out and see where it goes.

I'm really mopey this week, and yes there's good reason, but i dont like being cranky. I especially get upset if i snap at someone, because they usually don't deserve it. Just tie me up, lock me in a closet, and bring me out after about a week. It's the easiest option. :-D

i had a bunch of stuff i wanted to write about, but i don't remember what any of it is now. I hopefully get to see ben on saturday. That will be fun. The times we get to see each other are much further apart right now, but usually theyre for a little longer time....it doesnt nearly balance out because if it was up to me, id never leave, but i guess its okay for now. It makes me really appreciate the time i DO get to spend with him.

I want pool season to start. I love working there...im so dumb. I'll be really busy, but it will be a good busy. Working at the pool is so much fun. Plus you do get a hot tan......well the tan lines suck....but youre still a light shade of black. :-) I don't know how different this year will be though because of all the older guards leaving. We will see.

I want to lose weight faster....i hate myself at the moment. Grrrr....i suck sometimes. Alot. Oh well, at least i'm trying ot work on it. But you know what sucks about that? It makes me feel worse about myself to know that i have to so drastically change to get fit....so i don't want to it. ARGH! i cant win. I'm gonna try to keep going though. Having no motivation BLOWS. :-( I need a buddy...someone who will kick my ass when i don't feel like working. I'm sick of self-motivation. It gets very lonely.

See what i mean? i'm very mopey.....grr. I guess I'll go cuz now i'm really crabby about everything and it will only get worse. tomorrow is another day i suppose. :-)

night night

:: 2005 2 March :: 12.10 am

one of these days im going to forget to mark private and my chaotic innermost thoughts will be released unto the earth! hehehehehe.
I talked to joseph tonight. It was awkward. We're completely different now, and it's only been 2 weeks. I don't think we will ever be as close or as friendly as we were. That really sucks...it hurts. But I think it will make my relationship with ben easier....he won't have to worry about joseph at all. Not that he had to in the first place, but now there's nothing.

Sunday night still has a smile decorating my face. I can smell ben all around me....i've got his jersey on. :-D Went out to dinner wiht him tonight...its kinda my tuesday thing to do. He's almost always tired and kinda quiet...but i treasure every last moment i get. I'll be wishing i tried to see him more when i get up north. I don't know how much harder i can try though. Oh well....everything seems to be going really well. He seems happy and I'm happy!

Marengo Park Districts fitness center finally opened. I'm excited....i really want to go, but i don't know when im going ot have the time. :-\ i guess we shall see.

Ok, i should probably go to bed...its after midnight...im gonna be exhausted tomorrow.

night to all

:: 2005 2 March :: 12.01 am

Leaving Joseph was just how it felt to leave Ben the entire time his mind was 'wandering'. AWFUL!

I almost lost ben then....or rather he almost lost me. I drove around every night sobbing, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. It hurt so bad...i was almost ready to take the selfish option of leaving him. I started to question how much i loved him, because for as much as i cried, he assured me everything was okay. I figured there had to be something wrong with me. He kept lying to me...always telling me it was okay.......when he wasn't. But he will never know that. I could never tell him that i honestly considered dumping him just to ease my own pain. Its so fucking selfish. But he seemed miserable too. I began to think maybe that was what he wanted, wanted me to dump him, not have to wait and do it himself. Why couldn't he have just told me in the first place??? I think it would have saved me pain...and now i feel like im walking on eggshells. I don't want him to do that again. I don't want to hurt anymore. He's hurt me twice now...but this second time is the secret time.....NOONE will ever know how much pain i went through. I did a good job of hiding it...almost noone noticed.

This got way off the subject. But thats okay. I like that i can write the feeling buried deep inside now. It gives them somewhere to go. The hurting feelings. The ones i don't want ben to see. The quiet things that noone ever knows. I love that line.

:: 2005 28 February :: 9.57 pm
:: Mood: calm

Everything is going so well right now.....something has got to go wrong.

I still can't get over how awesome ben is! It's left a smile on my face all day!

It's snowing out...that really blows. I was starting to look forward to pool season, but no! SNOW!!! It's almost MARCH!!! argh! :-P

Hmmm...Joseph talked to me today...said we should talk sometime this week. That could be the thing that goes horribly wrong. I don't think ben would be too happy at us working it out, but it's something i have to do.... :-\

I think im gonna try to go out for coffee with him tomorrow.....i think ben will despise that idea.....but i still wanna go out to eat with ben. He will always take priority over joseph...no matter what. I'm all his. :-)

Well now i'm worried...which i dont like. I hate how segregated all of my friends are....but such is life. I hope ben is at least okay with this....because i don't want to make him upset, but i can't not try and work it out with joseph...he's like my big brother, and as much as hate him sometimes, he's still a good friend.

I wanted to start going running with Pepsi (my dog), but it's snowing. I really want to start building up an endurance so i can just go running for an hour or so by the time summer comes around. I don't how well that's going to work out, but i really really want to get fit....tone up and such. More for my well-being and health than anything else...i fear the freshman 15 so i feel that if i start working on it now, it will be easier to keep up a good workout routine! :-D plus, NMU has a SWEET! pool so i can go swimming and such. It will give me something to do...i really dont want to party too much at college....i can do that here at home with my sexy man! :-D

So that's the plan for college: work out and join a bunch of fun clubs...pretty much everything i wanted to do in highschool but never had the chance to do! :-) And maybe do the Honors Program...i dunno about that because it would be ALOT of work, but it's more of a yes than a no.

Alright......im outta here.....back in a peaceful mood. Hmmm...haven't heard from ben at all today.....hope he's having a good day...probably airsofting. I'm off to watch 'can't hardly wait'...haven't seen that movie in forever.........night night!

:: 2005 27 February :: 9.52 pm
:: Mood: touched

I love when ben talks...tonight was so amazing. We watched the notebook (i still can't believe he agreed to watch it with me) and then the whole night he was sweet and goofy and........awesome! He was passionate and tender, and we got in more tickle fights than i can count! And while we were eating our pizza, i got him to talk....found out he was a quiet kid up till the end of sophomore year and all these other little things i never knew. It wasn't anything horribly personal or intimate, just small things like who got him started on dungeons and dragons and such. If I could, I would take tonight and put on replay for ever and ever.....but then again, every time i say that, eventually he actually outdoes himself! So amazing........but I don't want to go into detail....words don't really do the night justice...

Hmmm....DAMN DAN!!!! he told me something scary happened to him over the weekend, but he won't tell me what it is until a few years from now!!! He might as well have not even mentioned it! now its gonna nag at me for at least a week.......possible options: alcohol poisoning, car accident, girl problem, fell in the river, school problem, parent trouble, police trouble, or medical problem....those are pretty much the only ideas i have. But im not gonna find out for too long.......ill probably forget in awhile, but until then it will drive me nuts!

there was a bunch of other stuff i wanted to talk about, i think...but i forgot....or it could have just been all the thoughts of ben swimming beautifully around in my head! :-D Oooooooooh and he gave me his football jersey (sprayed with his cologne) to wear to sleep for awhile.....well thats what im gonna do with it at least. :-D I love how he smells...

:-) goodnight

:: 2005 26 February :: 10.38 pm
:: Mood: full

OMG...i just ate SOOOOO much food. Me, Marie, and Jill went to chef's for dinner....i've never ever ever eaten so much. But it was so sosososos good...!

Mr K. came to see us at lemont. That made everything seem not so pointless. I miss him, even though he was a crazy little nazi sometimes ;-) You don't truly appreciate someone or something until it's gone.

Wow, i've gotta be tired....im typing all my words wrong...i just tried to spell wrong 'wrtrh'....

I only got to see ben for like 40 minutes this morning...he slept in. But that's okay, i know he needs to catch up on his sleep. However, HOPEFULLY tomorrow we're actually gonna watch the notebook! :-D
That will be so great, just to lay in his arms and relax for a little bit.

Argh...not fair...ben got to hang out with joseph last night....i don't even get to talk to him.....different situations i know......but i miss talking to him...i wonder if he's even still going to northern michigan next year.

Meow...im tired...ben's not home yet....im gonna try to stay up a little longer...long enough to take a shower...i smell like chef's...but if he stays out till 2 again, i'm definitely gonna be asleep when he does get home... :-) Too tired from waking up early this morning to see ben...hahaha thats a little jab at him...nah, im just really tired in general. Need a good night's sleep. I feel like I have a beer belly because of all the food i ate!

night night :-)

:: 2005 26 February :: 12.22 am
:: Mood: bored

I like this journal. It has a pull-down menu where you can select for entries to be private or public. It's a neat little tool. I don't really have any reason to be writing. I'm just kinda postponing doing the dishes because i despise that chore. I hope i get to see ben in the morning. He didn't call when he got home tonight (if he's even home yet, i suppose there's a possibility he's not). Oh well. It's not written in stone that he has to call when he gets home. I'm just a lovestruck woman who loves saying goodnight to her man. ;-) heehee. My dad's completely off his rocker these days. I think he's regressing, or developing Alzheimer's. It doesn't make life a box of chocolates....unless that box is 20 years old and has been hit by trucks. :-D Oh well...in a few months i get to leave him and my brother to rot! yay! Im a horrible person....i shouldnt take such joy in leaving my family. I also have to leave ben. That's going to be very hard. one step at a time though. Rome wasn't built in a day. :-)

night

:: 2005 26 February :: 12.09 am
:: Mood: contemplative

So i have this thought that comes up occasionally. Well, actually it's a series of thoughts all strung together.

Ben has been in love with amy for 6 years. He's probably still in love with her, as i don't think love just goes away. Ben loved (and will always have at least a little love for) nicole. Ben said he asked me out so i wouldn't feel like a slut. :-( I feel like I'm what he's settling for. It's not a good feeling to think that you chased a man down, and he's just kinda going with the flow.

Plus, Ben doesn't deserve to settle for anything less than what he craves. I wonder if he's ever told amy how he feels. I don't know if that would change anything though. I don't want to be the one that holds him back.

What do i do? I don't want to complain to him about this...which is why this entry is private (he reads my journal).

The whole thing makes me kinda sad. Not for my sake (although i must say, ever since he told me he'd started going out with me just so i wouldn't feel sleazy, i've felt like shit), but because i really truly love him, and i just want him to be happy.....not settling for something less.

Argh. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because that would mean telling someone else that he didnt ask me out based on a crush or a meager interest but to save my feelings. Damn him and his sweet personality.

This doesn't haunt me...yet. It just kinda sits at the back of mind and taunts me sometimes. This is the first time i've even wrote about it.

It makes me feel worthless to know that i wasn't that special someone he picked....just some girl to go out with. I love that it developed into me earning his love, but I really wish he had never ever ever told me. Ignorance is bliss.

:: 2005 25 February :: 6.43 pm
:: Mood: content

My life is a roller coaster.

Today was a pretty damn fine day! I got my hair done...it feels all nice and soft. :-D And i don't have to deal with amber or kristen all weekend! Plus, for TWO projects, I managed to fix it with teachers so that i don't have to work with them at all!!!!! I'm so glad i work my ass off in school...the teachers give me alot of leeway when i actually ask for it! :-)

Joseph looked at me today...ahahaahahaha that sounds like i'm crushin on him...ewww. He hasn't talked to me in quite some time now...its kinda upsetting because i miss it...i talked to him almost every day. Who knows what will happen...he has to get over himself and talk to me first. I made a move a week ago (left a voicemail saying hi), so now its his turn. If nothing, then i guess i lost one of my best friends. That really sucks...but life goes on i guess.

I may get to see ben in the morning...that would be oh-so nice! Except i may just want to crawl back into bed with him...i've been tired alot lately. :-D

I have to go to this stupid band thing tomorrow...argh.. The downside of my weekend. :-( But then i get to go out to chef's to eat with marie, jill, and katie. I may sleep over at jill's tomorrow night too...haven't decided yet. It would be nice to relax for a bit...jill's a great person, she just still has to do a little maturing....she's much better though. Then again, it's not my place to say when she should be mature...she'll get there in her own time. in the meantime, we make fun of her for her 'youngness'! Not in a mean way...its jokingly and to her face and everyone (including her) laughs.

Alright...im goin to do my homework. Instead of doing a lab monday with kristen and amber im doing it on my own, so i want to make sure i know EXACTLY what to do! :-D

Kickass! :-D

later

:: 2005 24 February :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: chipper

Ahhhhhhh..........all my homework is done...well except calculus, but that doesn't count, i never do that homework. I made 100 dollars in the last two days at work and i got to see ben for a few minutes today. Those three things have made my night! Well, ben didn't look so swell when i saw him (he thinks he may be getting sick :-( ...) but it was still nice to see him for a bit.

Its almost friday...not that tomorrow is anything special and actually my weekend is pretty jam packed except for sunday, but there's something nice about knowing hte weekend is almost here! :-D I'm in quite the cheerful mood tonight....i dunno why.

I have alot of papers to write coming up soon....i have to finish an honors application essay before the first! Argh...so much to write, and i need to have some time to myself...otherwise i get WAY too stressed out. i also REALLY need to get to work on my senior memory book...i dont want to leave it till the last minute!

Hmmm...i'm actually gonna go out to eat at chef's on saturday! And eat excellent food....swordfish and tiramisu and bruchetta! Delicious! Expensive....especially when i'm taking ben out, what, 2 weeks after that....but thats okay. It's good to spend money once in awhile. Indulgence is fun in small quantities. :-D Well in some cases....in other cases, you should indulge multiple times each day!! ;-)

Ok, im going to sleep early. It will be nice to feel rested when i wake up!

:: 2005 23 February :: 10.07 pm
:: Mood: wishing

Ok, so i guess i do have something to say...not really interesting, just random thoughts...

I'm craving one of those movie scenes.....the ones that make girls cry and smile...like the guy and girl are doing something typical and mundane, just sitting around, and out of nowhere, he turns her head toward his, kisses her on the lips, looks right into her eyes and tells her he loves her....ahh...the perfect fairytale moment...but alas, life is not a fairytale, and stuff like that hardly ever happens...

Hmm...I'm (hopefully) taking ben out to the musical and to chefs for dinner....i'd better start saving money now!!!! ;-) heehee

:: 2005 23 February :: 9.52 pm
:: Mood: whee!

Woohoo!!!! made 50 bucks tonight!!! and it's a wednesday! and i still work tomorrow...this is a very good week for work. I have a whole bunch of homework tonight, but i know im gonna be up all night, so i figure i might as well have a little procrastination first. roar...okay, i have nothing of interest to say, so there's no point in going on.

night

:: 2005 22 February :: 2.15 pm
:: Mood: blank

lalallaalala...I've been writing in here alot lately. Not that i really have too much to talk about, it's mostly just rambling. Oh well, it's your fault for reading it then i suppose. Anyway, there's not really anything new today. I don't think i'm gonna get to see ben at all this week...or if i do, it won't be till friday. He has to work tonight, i have to work tomorrow and thursday (he has class tomorrow night too). That makes me sad...i fear we may never get our nap...oh woe is me..heehee. But he promised i get a nap...and that we'd watch the notebook...so hopefully someday when we actually have time...im praying that its sometime before my 40th birthday... :-P

I was gonna go prom dress shopping yesterday, but noone wanted to go with me. BOO! I probably mentioned that already, but im a bit airheaded today...sorry. I have a huge biology project due thursday, but shes not giving us the paper for it till tomorrow. I think tonight im gonna try and map it out on normal paper. But that means tomorrow night is going to be one of those LONG nights. Argh. Gag..and i have a calculus test tomorrow. Too much to do! But on the plus side i think i rocked it up on the humanities test...i only made up one fact! :-D

I finished watching wicker park late last night. It ended up makin me cry because the ending was so sappily cute. There were a few parts i didn't like, and it's definitely a) a chick flick and b) a movie you have to be in the mood for, but i kinda liked it. Guys definitely wouldn't like it unless they were very emotional sort of people...or gay.

Hmmm...okay i have nothing else to write about, literally. I could go on for days about how much i love ben, but eventually i think you all would stab me from afar. So I will keep my sappy lovey-dovey words to myself for now.

:: 2005 21 February :: 11.54 pm
:: Mood: amused

Hmmm...so i was reading through all my past journal entries (DAMN, there's ALOT of them!) and I realized how much of an effect ben has had on my life, and how much i truly love him. I wish i had this kind of window into HIS mind. Maybe one of these days I'll make a shrinking machine, make myself REALLY little and go swim around in his brain. It may be very interesting. Allix thinks him and dan going to iowa is a BAD idea. But you know what? I'm a big girl, he's a big boy, and if he proves me wrong, then my world may stop spinning, but everything else will continue going. Mine would eventually start up again, and i guess i would live. It wouldn't be pleasant, but if it's meant to be, then nothing will stop it.

night

:: 2005 21 February :: 12.15 am
:: Mood: sleepy

So tired....I think it's from lack of doing anything today...well, i did some things, but for a good 6 hours i was home alone doing nothing! Got to see ben tonight... that was interesting ;-) I think i made him sick though... :-(

I'm kinda rambling...my eyes are starting to droop and everything...hmmmm...i don't wanna go to bed yet though. Oh well...ill get there eventually
night night

:: 2005 20 February :: 5.41 pm
:: Mood: blah

Yuck...its a gray, rainy day and i'm home alone. I cannot think of anything worse right now. Today would have been the greatest day for a nap with ben. His house is empty, my house is empty, and its crappy outside. But, he's in mchenry with dan. oh well, it's not a big deal at all. we went and saw constantine last night. They were supposed to go to iowa (...) but they overslept.

I was a little nervous about them going out there, because it would be dan, ray, ben, and nicole. I didnt spaz out. I'm really working on it...i know it bugs him that it worries me. And its not even about trust..i trust ben with all my heart. It's just this little tug at my heart that remembers all the pain i went through and how much it hurt me. It was probably the worst pain i've ever felt, pain that haunted my every thought and dream for a long long time. But I'm doin better about it. He keeps reassuring me she can't take him away anymore, which helps.

Anyway, i try not to talk about it too much...key word being try...there's nothing to do, and i hate sitting around! Argh! I can't sit still much longer.....

Kristen is apparently hunky-dory talking to me now. She called me and tried to discuss post-prom plans, but 2 days ago, she was bein a bitch about it. Whatever. I'm just planning what i was planning and then ill go from there. :-D

I'm happy. I'm trying to be optimistic and truthful with everyone (even though thats probably gonna burn me, people dont always like the truth). I'm done stressing out....i have to much stuff to do to worry about little shit. I have a few good friends, a boyfriend who loves me very much, and college coming up. Ok, so college is very very far away from the other two, but I think it will be ok. I'll make it okay.

:-D

:: 2005 19 February :: 1.15 am
:: Mood: drained

one great big heartwrenching step.... :-\

way to throw caution to the wind, cait...

scared, but trusting....never angry...understanding, trying

:-)

goodnight

:: 2005 18 February :: 6.14 pm
:: Mood: indifferent

I have a bit of a headache...but it's friday, and the week is over! :-) It's been an interesting week...actually, it's been pretty boring. I've started planning post-prom. Right now, it's kind of up in the air, but I'm pretty sure we're gonna go see Blue Man Group on sunday, and then maybe stay overnight in either chicago or crystal lake. We'll see...there's a whole bunch of different factors that could change, so to set anything in stone now would be dumb.

Beef dinner is tomorrow night. That's gonna be kinda cool, cuz we get to use the new auditorium, but there's almost 200 less people than all the other years. I think word has gotten out that we all suck this year! :-D Actually it makes me sad...we used to be pretty damn good. Oh well, I figure band is just a tiny blip in my life. Hmmm...I think choir is actually a bigger blip than band. Choir was fun. :-)

Gettin my hair cut tomorrow! I'm thinking a buzz cut... ;-) nah, not really. Maybe just a trim...I don't want to do anything too drastic this time. I think after prom i may get it cut short again...i like it shorter, its easier to handle.

Ooooo...and after beef dinner im goin out to the movies with ben and dan (and maybe other people??? i dunno if they invited anyone else) and see constantine. That movie looks pretty good. hopefully that will be fun.

Awwww...dan may hook up with rachel..who he's had a crush on since forever! That's precious! Anyway, I hope things work out between the two of them! :-)

Ben was being such a sweetheart. He worries about me too much! He was all set to get a test to see if our kidneys matched cuz he worried i could have kidney failure.....it was the sweetest thing ever! Kinda off-the-wall, but dan was tellin him kidney stones could cause it...i thought i may have had one...i dont! :-D
He's being ever-so amazing lately. It blows my mind. Just the littlest simplest things, like coming into chef's, leaving me voicemails, those are stupid things i love. And the way he touches...its more...i dont really know how to explain it..ummmm...before last week, he barely touched me, but now, it feels like hes always touching or hugging me...even if its just a finger. Its so nice. I love knowing he's back...i never want to lose him again

:: 2005 17 February :: 2.34 pm
:: Mood: :'-(

I think it may be a kidney stone...this hurts SOOOOo bad....I want to leave school, but my parents aren't picking up at the house or their cell. owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww........ I want to cry...but crying is not allowed. Not for something as stupid as pain. OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I just want to leave. I want it to go away and i want it to stop hurting. Its giving me the chills and making me nauseous.... :'(
And my muscles are all sore and painful...it feels like coming down with the flu. What i wouldnt give right now for a huge warm blanket and a backrub... :-( owie

:: 2005 16 February :: 9.48 pm
:: Mood: icky

Argh...today was supposed to be such a great day...We got out of school early (1130), me and the girls were gonna go out for lunch, i was gonna go see ben, and then i was gonna go to work. However, at about 830 this morning i started peeing blood... :-( That made my day fun. I apparently have a UTI, which isn't really a big deal, just a pain in my ass. So school was a painful blur, we did go out to lunch but that was just off because i felt so uncomfortable and in pain. Plus james came with us...that was dumb...it was supposed to be a girls lunch, but whatever. We went to this bridal shop to try on a dress or two. I found my perfect dress, but they custom make them and it wouldnt be ready until 6 days after prom! Then i got home, had to go to the doctor...yay. Went and saw ben, but dan was over and they were playin video games. It wasn't really a big deal, though. I still got to see him, even though i kind of felt like i was intruding on a guy thing. :-) I didn't go to work...which kinda sucks, but what can do? I had to pee like every 5 minutes. That would have blown!....
So my day definitely wasn't as good as i was expecting...but it coulda been worse so im not complaining.

Ooooooh! Yesterday ben got the embossed roses i sent him! Heeehehehehe, I was so proud of my sneakiness. :-D I think he enjoyed the bubble wrap they came in more than the actual roses, but thats okay. They're on display in his room and he said he liked them...good enough for me! :-D

I have a promise of a nap from ben, because i actually wrote my bio paper. It was this really dumb thing about inbreeding. I had no motivation, so he gave me some! If i finished it, I got a nap and a kiss and a hug. The nap remains to be seen, but we have to actually find the time to take one! That's gonna be the tricky part, so it might be awhile. Oh well, the wait will be well worth it. Alright im gonna go, not to sleep just yet, but im sick of writing. :-\

Night night!

:: 2005 13 February :: 12.40 am
:: Mood: happy

This has been a GREAT weekend. I suppose I'll start with the only shitty part, because then i can ramble about the awesomeness....

Wyse blew. I did worse than everyone else, which is exactly the opposite of what everyone else was expecting. Talk about depressing. I don't think im even going to be able to face mr anderson on monday. Ok, thats enough of that.....it sucks too much to talk about.

Work on friday was alright....we weren't TOO busy, but it was a good amount of people...i got out at about 920ish. I picked up Allix and we went to ben's house...but the details of what went on will forever be hidden from everyone but the 4 of us...i know, i suck, don't i??? heehee. The nice thing is that it showed me just how amazing ben is and what an awesome connection we have. I also learned that dan is way too soft for my liking, being too short and too little have its disadvantages, ben has the endurance of a camel, and although ben may be biased on this, im better than allix. I think the nicest part of the whole thing was actually after allix left and me and ben went to bed...not to sleep mind you, but to bed. ;-)

We definitely didn't get much sleep, but the neatest part was how open ben was. He told me that his mind had been wandering lately, after new years, wondering what else was out there. He said now that he'd had a taste of it, he realized he liked what he has just fine. It was a little sweeter than that, but i don't want to gush too much. The most amazing of hte day/night - this song.........an absolutely amazing song...he left it as a voicemail, but i didnt actually hear it till i got to his house. I can't remember the exact words, but it's this sweet song about love and a special girl...it almost made me cry. Okay im kinda sporadically rambling...sorry that im being so vague, but i dont feel like words can express how much love im feeling. I love him so much....times like this just show me how special he is to me, and how dull and unfeeling life would be without him. It's everything about him.....he...i dont know...i dont even have the words to describe how he makes me feel. ok, now im really rambling so ill just go...im very sore and i need sleep :-D

night night

:: 2005 10 February :: 10.13 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Odd that excited would be my mood of choice tonight.... :-D but im wicked excited for tomorrow! I never thought that owuld even be possible...nervous, anxious, worried, paranoid, anything but excited.
I guess we will see how this plays out...i hope its fun...alot of fun.

WYSE competition is tomorrow too. That could be fun or really depressing if i suck. I want to do good, but i'm just not as commited as trent. He doesn't own a tv, so he studies all the time. But I hope i can kick some ass at the english test. I think i could do really really well. Thats exciting too. I think im going to burst from excitement. It's SO hard to stay calm....thank god i don't have any classes tomorrow, i'd go crazy. I nearly died today.......i wanted ben and i wanted him BAD! :-D

Argh...im gonna go before my mind starts to wander.....

:: 2005 7 February :: 7.22 pm

I have to stop writing when I'm upset. I haven't punched myself more than 3 times...I know its sick to even think of, but it feels better than the pain shooting through me. i jsut hurt. alot. It's like a constant weight (literally :-( ....) hanging around me. I want it to go away. I guess i just have to try again....but i dont want to fail. It hurts to fail, and each time its harder and harder to get back up. This is why i hate going shopping with other people....it lets me compare myself. i wanted to walk out of that dress store tonight and never come back. And now there's this threesome....to think htat i even have sex with ben alone. DAMNIT....I want to be secure..i know he'll love me no matter what...but i want to blow him away, y'know??? And i don't want to disappoint dan...
I have to lose 20 pounds...there is no question...i don't know how to do it though....but it has to go away...i can't fail. It hurts too much to keep failing. It hurts to much to buy new clothes. It hurts too much to shop for prom. It just hurts damnit. i think im gonna go try that new video i got...its a striptease workout...that should be really hot....but its a bunch of skinny girls dancing around trying to make fat girls unfat...i need to be skinnier...im never going to have the confidence to dance for ben if i'm not. I want to be hot, skinny, and big boobs to boot......not who i am now.

I heard 'the reason' by hoobastank when i got in the car....that calmed me down. It's me and ben's song....or at least i think it still is...i hope so. it used to be special, but it means alot more to me now.

i punched myself tonight and i scraped my finger open with a different nail.....owie. I have to try...i can't keep hating myself.

:: 2005 7 February :: 6.53 pm

:'-(
I hate going shopping with other people. I guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm sick of being the fat kid. I hate myself. I hate my body. I'm sick of seeing how much skinnier ALL of my friends are. They tell me I'm not fat...but it hurts. I see it all, i know how much heavier i am, and it HURTS. I've been punching myself....mostly in the stomach...probably why i haven't felt good lately...i know thats really really bad. But it hurts.....it hurts more than anyone could know. I can't even describe it. I try to exercise and i fail. I don't know if its because i really have no time or if im lazy....probably lazy. I'm so sick of hurting, but i can't do it. It won't go away. I fail EVERY time I try. Its unimaginable how much it hurts and angers me when everyone around me points out their miniscule fat. It hurts when they try and say i'll fit into their pants....it hurts and it makes me cry and i just want it to go away.

:: 2005 7 February :: 3.55 pm
:: Mood: lalalalala

Studpid art institute didn't reply to our request for a tour and tickets so we couldn't go!!!! That sucked. The Lyric was pretty gay...it was this crazy chorus lady leading us around who was all gossipy and up on on herself. We went to portillo's for lunch. I had WAY too much to eat. That place always makes you stuffed. Grr...we had to go back to 7th hour because we still had too much time from not going to the art institute. :-( Ok...i didn't really have a point in writing this...i just literally have nothing better to do at the moment....i'm going prom dress browsing (id say shopping but to shop you need money!) with jill at 5, but until then, i have nothing to do...not even homework!

:: 2005 6 February :: 11.23 pm
:: Mood: amused

Yea, so as of right now...next weekend, im definitely participating in either a threesome or a foursome, depending on whos up for it...! It's hot and scary all at once. Its for sure going to be me, ben, and dan...and hten hopefully either allix or shorty. Either way would be fun! AHHHHHHHHHH....this keeps running through my head...im really nervous.
Argh...ben doesn't even seem jealous or slightly odd about hte fact that there will be another guys penis in me. I'm gonna be uber jealous if he's riding another girl!!!!! but i think thats just how guys work. And plus, its just dan...and it would jsut be shorty or allix...i think id actually have more of a problem with it being allix than shorty...how weird is that?!
Hmmm.....scary thought - a three or foursome with mike. Yikes. I don't think i can even stomach that. He just scares me too much....too intense for me! :-D

Woohoo! Field trip tomorrow!!! Actually its not really anything fun...backstage tour of hte lyric opera house and a guided tour of the art institute...it would be SOOO much better if it wasn't a guided tour. I love the art institute but not when im being told where to go.

Oh, by the way, ben seems alot better....i think he was just really really tired. He got a night to relax and he just seems more mellow and a little on the goofy side...not too goofy, but not devoid of a smile.

Alright, i have interesting things to fantasize about and a boyfriend to get back to talking to. Adios

:: 2005 5 February :: 10.52 pm
:: Mood: drained

Work is fun when there's only two girls and over 70 people to serve! :-P hahahahhahahah....more like it swamps over you until you can't even think anymore...it all just moves. But i made 120 dollars! That rocks...it totally makes up for my sore feet and pounding head.

Good news! - i can sleep over at bens friday! I still have to work, but i figure we'll just have to make the most of our time together... ;-D I need to get some sleep though. Ben wasn't happy that i had to work, but there's no way that i can get out of it. im sad that he's not making me dinner anymore...i was looking forward to that...but i suppose it's too late.

lallalalalalalalal........im doing better now...the threads are still snapped, but theyre holding...maybe even strengthening. Maybe i just needed a hard day of work and shopping. I got a bunch of new clothes and looked for a prom dress. Didn't find one i absolutely loved but i found some i liked. we shall see.

I have to get new work shoes...i cracked the bottom of my right one and it REALLY hurts my feet to walk on them. But Target doesnt seem to have them anymore.... :-(

Im cravin a smoothie...or a fruit slushie....and a hug from ben....i want to smell him all over me...i love after ive spent time with him and my skin smells ever-so-lightly of his cologne. Its so nice... :-D

alright...cant think straight enough to type anymore...i smell like onions from work...
goodnight to all...

:: 2005 3 February :: 10.14 pm
:: Mood: horrible

today is not my day :'-( So i went to work, and guess what? i have to work next friday...which is the night i wanted to sleep over at ben's. I can't even respond to it. There's no way i can't work, either. The other girl is going to be in florida. This was the one thread keeping me from breaking, the one thing i had to look forward to, and now its crumbling to dust in my hands. I can only hope my mom will still let me sleep over after work (but she's doubting that now too) and that the time we spend will be as special. I don't know what to do with myself. He's not going to be happy. not at all. I'm so sick of having to tell him that something won't work, that i can't go. I wish i could see him. I don't think i have since saturday. :-( My glass walls are shattered and all the threads are ripping apart.

:: 2005 3 February :: 4.02 pm

i fee like i have lost something very dear to me...i don't know what it is, and i have no idea if i can get it back. It's eating away at me. I can't even act happy in front of my parents. i want it back. It's killing me slowly without it. I feel bad, everyone around me is happy, and i am sad. This is why i don't talk much anymore. I feel lost, and no one can save me now. I hope this is a temporary thing. i have to go

:: 2005 2 February :: 7.10 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful

I just spent the last half hour driving around and crying...the crying isn't important, but the driving... Why do people drive around when they are upset or sad or angry??? Unless you're screaming or want some privacy, I see no reason. It's certainly not safe, as you're more likely to drive into a telephone pole or crash into another car, but alot of people do it. It certainly doesn't add cash to my wallet....that's something i could have done without...i wasted alot of gas. Maybe it's just hte rhythm of the road. The road is constant and consistent. It's always there. You don't have to wonder or worry. Maybe that's the draw.

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