nothing that has meaning is easy.

friends | profile | guestbook

nothing that has meaning is easy.

recent entries | past entries

:: 2005 2 February :: 5.29 pm

...

:: 2005 29 January :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: meow

Hmmm...well ben was just in a funk last night...he got better later on...i wish id been there then. Oh well. he's talking to nicole again...i could spaz out about that, but theres really no reason to. He said theyre becoming friends again...im happy for that. Its a little scary and a little daunting just because she took him away from me once before...but im friends with joseph and i used to love him...i dont want to be a hypocrite.

I forgot to mention i talked to erin thursday night...that was nice. I haven't talked to her in a long time. Her and Josh are doing good, cept shes sad because with all the working they dont get to see each other as much as theyd like. Heh...im gonna miss her at the pool this summer...she has a real job now, and i doubt the kunz is gonna be able to suck her in. I think this summer may be very sad, because neither her nor megan will be there. They made it hysterical...plus htey never really played by the rules...well megan did sometimes.

Ive decided im actually going to ask my mom if i can sleep over at ben's...but this coming weekend....its all planned out....i dont know if it will work...but its worth a try. I still can't believe he's making me dinner...it's the sweetest thing ever. I'm really looking forward to it. The perfect date - homemade food by candlelight, a sweet funny movie, some actual slow sensual lovemaking, not just sex, and a long night of peaceful sleep....in each other's arms. Thats the stuff my dreams are made of. But i'm a romantic sap at heart. Quote of the moment... 'go get'm tiger' hehehe...can anyone name that quote???

night night.

:: 2005 29 January :: 1.05 pm
:: Mood: confused

argh. Went by joseph's last night for mac cheese and movies...that was ok, cept me and allix had to leave early. We had to be up at 6 so she could go to some camp thing. Ben came. i wasn't planning on seeing him at all, but him and mike showed up. I don't understand him sometimes. Last night, he barely even touched me until he hugged me goodbye...not even a kiss. But at jill's a few weeks ago, he was holding me and kissing my cheek and just jokin around with me. I don't get why there was so much of a difference. Maybe it's because mike was there.....hopefully not, but him and joseph and amber i think are the only ones who were at joes and not jills. I even tried jokin with him, and giving him a back scratch and he didnt even respond. i feel bad because i kept asking him what was wrong, but i just don't get it! .....i thought he was finally comfortable touching me and hugging me around our friends.....its been a year....i guess i was wrong....i dont want to push him. This just means more patient waiting for me.
We're so different on the touching turf....ive been a touchy-feely person since i was little. I'm used to hugging everyone, and always being snuggled up to someone, even if its just someone like joseph or allix. But ben's not like that at all. Unless we're alone, he's very reserved. I don't know if he's always been like that. Joseph once told me nicole ruined him. That makes me sad. Human touch is important. It lets you know you're alive and loved.

I'm gonna try not to bug him about it. If it was just mike, than that would just make me wonder what sort of hold he has over ben. If he was tired, well, there's nothing i can do about it..i just hope one day he's comfortable holding me and touching me when other people are around....otherwise a wedding would be a little weird :-)

Not much really going on...im reading three books at once just for kicks...im odd like that. And apparently i made less money last year at the pool than i did this year...which doesn't make any sense...hopefully im just reading my W-2 wrong. i don't think i have any homework to do this weekend...thats a happy thought! :-D But the weekend already feels like it's almost over. i need to stop sleeping in. heeheehee. Alright...i gotta go to work in a bit and i want some reading time...bye bye.

:: 2005 28 January :: 2.38 pm
:: Mood: good

Overall, a good day. Kinda icky, but i suppose all days have to have a bit of cloudiness. There's alot going on.

The best part - ben's parents are going out of town the weekend before valentine's day...we're just gonna celebrate the whole weekend. And i think i may have figured out a way to spend the night at his house friday night! I completely forgot that jill lives a minute away from ben's house! This could work...i hope. I have to be careful. if my mom is home, it will be much easier....i can only hope for the best.

Other news...Allix and joseph may get back together......again. I don't know if this is good or bad, but I think it may make them both happy. I'm pretty much neutral on if theyre together or apart, but i have a feeling ben and mike and even dan may resent joseph if he gets back together with her. She did do some pretty shitty stuff. I guess it's up to them and him...but personally i don't think theyd ever be able to change his mind.

Allix is sleeping over tonight. We need a girls night....bad. I hope ben doesnt mind too much because i dont think he works late at all tomorrow..only till like 6. :-/ Allix kind of makes me sad right now, because i feel like katie dettman has taken my place as her best friend....in fact, i know she has. People used to call us sisters, but now the two of them are 'soul sisters'. I know i complain about her ALOT...but she's the only person besides ben and joseph that i can actually tell my true feelings to. :-(

I had to rewrite a 3-page paper last night after work (from scratch) because the disk i'd saved it to went bad. That was really frustrating.

I've been in a writer's block for almost a year....very sad. I can't make the words come out just right. They're always slightly jumbled and it doesn't work as well. I don't like it. It leaves me feeling like there's a hole in my life because i can't write.

Alright, so i guess there's not TOO much going on...it's all swimming around in my head, though, so it seems like alot more than it is. If only i could spew out some poetry...it would settle all the thoughts....oh well. A little chaos is good for the mind sometimes :-D

Oh, one last good (great, awesome, most amazing idea ever!) - ben and i were going to go out for dinner, but instead he's going to cook for me! He said it probably won't be anything good, but i wouldn't care if he handed me a plate with chips and salsa! The fact that he would think of doing that is so sweet....it blows me away...ok, im done gushing... :-D

bye bye

:: 2005 25 January :: 10.44 pm
:: Mood: better

Got to eat dinner with ben tonight...that was nice, but i felt bad because he was so tired. Those are the moments when i want to tuck him into bed and go do his work for him. Or maybe just tuck him in and then crawl right into bed with him...im excited...i get to take pictures of him (where he'll actually FACE the camera and SMILE :-D ) all the way through valentine's day! I want to take a bunch of black and white pictures...not just of him, but of everyone. They look neat. K, i'm sleepy. need bed....

:: 2005 25 January :: 2.11 pm
:: Mood: very sad

I hate college writing....that's totally unlike me to say, but i hate walking into that class. I love writing so so much, but when you're shoved to the back corner in class, and you find out there's one computer too few in the lab and you don't have one because you were sick, it shouldn't be surprising how much of a non-writing mood that puts you in. Luckily marie was done with her paper so i got to use a computer, but i was still stuck in the corner. I HATE IT!!! Walking into that class makes me want to cry, and then allix, who has spent the whole hour talking to katie dettman has the audacity to ask me what's wrong. That class makes me feel like i don't belong on this earth, because the basis of that class is ME, is writing....but i don't belong. I thought today was going to be a good day. Then we started talking about weight at lunch....just so the world knows (maybe everyone will stop asking!) i weigh 145-150, depending on the day. That's pretty much 10+ pounds heavier than people i considered myself close in weight to!!!!! I've been doing so good...i've actually liked my body for a few days now and I REALLY thought i looked hot today...but those kinda things ruin my day. Then Mr Gund (the band director) switched me and Jill because she sounds better and knows her music more. I know she sounds better, but seeing someone whose faith in you is low enough to actually move you to blend your sound better, makes you feel pretty damn pathetic. So the first few hours of my day were good...the last few horrible. I suppose i'll look on the bright side though. I get to see ben tonight (i'm gonna go eat with him on his dinner break)...we talked for an hour or two last night....he called me immature for worrying about him...that pissed me off at first but i guess ill just have to grow up. I'm very weak and i don't really know how to fix it.

:: 2005 24 January :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: confused

Of course, as soon as i finish writing all of this, Ben calls. Godamnit. And he sounds agitated that im upset!! He said he was busy. I guess I'll just have to move on and accept that. Why? Why don't i fight it and be angry with him??? Because thats how i am...i forgive people....i move on. I hate myself for it sometimes. Ben, if youre reading this: I love you damnit! I love you! I love you! I love you! And i dont know what to do with myself because you throw me for a loop when i least expect it and it hits me HARD! But i love you SO SOO SO SO SO SO much and if everything goes right, i want to be your wife someday...okay there, miss Im-completely-scared-of-voicing-my-dreams-because-they-never-go-right is throwing caution to the wind....

I'm sad....i guess ill talk to him tomorrow, im meeting him for his dinner break.... night to all.

:: 2005 24 January :: 10.07 pm
:: Mood: sad

You know what makes this 10 times worse?! he did the SAME FUCKING THING 7 days ago. I wish he'd tell me if something was up...this is torture.

:: 2005 24 January :: 9.49 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

Alright...so I'm really hoping ben has a damn good reason for not calling for 2 days...i tried to be relaxed about it, but come on! I know he's by mike's, or at least his car is, because i've called his house numerous times to try and just fricken say HI!!! I'm not so much angry as i am upset....he keeps asking why i doubt him. THIS is why I doubt him...he always leaves me guessing! and worrying and wondering! And i feel so fucking weak, because i sit here and worry and hope that he'll remember that he has a girlfriend who loves him more than he will ever know! I think about him all the time...he's always in my thoughts. Argh...I really am weak...even now, i'm going back and forth between anger at him not calling and this intense love thats always there!..... I know he fought with his mom...she spent 20 hours telling me about it....and i know mike's not having the greatest time with his family...i just wish he'd call....the longer he doesn't, the worse i feel and the more i worry. I don't know if something went horribly wrong with him or mike or something entirely different all together!!! argh!!!!! i can't take this...i give up. I'm leaving.

:: 2005 24 January :: 3.42 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I hate being sick....i hate staying home from school when i'm sick...
My stomach is killing me....well, it's a bit better now, but this morning it felt like there was a little monster in there ripping at my insides trying to escape. So, I crawled back into bed and died for a little while...i think the monster was killed by some angel in my tummy. Now school's out...Allix called...that was nice. The worst thing about being sick is that not only are you sick, but for the most part, you're incredibly isolated and not many people care to call. Like right now, I would LOVE one of those milkshakes I used to bring ben when he was sick...but making it yourself is very depressing... :-/

Speaking of ben, i hope he (or mike, or both) is/are okay. I tried getting ahold of him all day, just to say hi, and not only did i not get him, but he still hasn't called. I'm going to assume him and mike are just being boys and playing video games or skitching...something where his mind goes completely blank of everything but the task at hand. :-D I hope i hear from him soon...he makes me laugh and i definitely need it after being cooped up inside all day. ***I finished his valentine's day present yesterday!!! It took me over 5 hours!! I'm so glad i actually finished it! YAY!! It's cool....but im still afraid he may think it dumb...i guess we shall see***

I hate missing school...not only did i miss a full day of lab work for my college writing paper, but now i've missed 5 1/2 days! I can only miss 8! Add in a senior ditch day, which we're SUPPOSED to actually do, and I can only miss 1 1/2 more days.......and it's only the beginning of third quarter! Argh!!!!!!

Alright well now im very sad, because my phone is still and quiet...that's so depressing...i would even talk to my grandma at this point.....i hate being isolated...... meow.

:: 2005 20 January :: 9.55 pm
:: Mood: content

Sleep.... I'm sleepy....sleepy...harharhar. I sit in the back back corner of College Writing...thats kind of depressing. i feel like an outsider, but it's nice because i can watch everyone. Watching people is kinda my thing. I love watching how they react, their body language and attitude. It's alot of fun.
I have the greatest boyfriend ever. :-D He's so amazing and i want the world to know it. I constantly watch my friends struggle with guys who are pretty much jerks, and i don't really know what to say, because ben is SO awesome. Ok, so he does forget to call sometimes and every so often he acts like a typical, uncaring, guy, but other than those very few things, he's great. He doesn't care what i do with my hair (i think i could shave it and spray paint my head pink and he'd be okay with it!), he brings me roses when i least expect it, he plays video games with me, and doesn't seem to mind if i hang out with him and his friends (i guess it helps alot that im already friends with most of them...). Yea, sometimes I do wish he did more of the things i did, like leave little notes all over the place, but that's just not who he is...and compared to the rest of the guys i know, i will gladly live without the cute little notes. :-D So, I've found a few flaws (FINALLY) but they're so outweighed by the good that i can't really even count them! (happy sigh)...I wish there was more i could do to show him how much i appreciate him.

Meow...we're reading 'a tale of two cities' in humanities. It's kinda an interesting novel...i think i like it...i dunno, more on that later. Ok, actually, i have 50 or so more pages to read before tomorrow...it'll only take me half an hour or so...but its already 10....i should probably make an attempt to head in that direction...after i see who's online....im such a procrastinator! :-D

Night night!

:: 2005 19 January :: 9.29 pm
:: Mood: happy

I got to see Ben today....mmm so nice! He's so goofy sometimes...and ever so sexy. Even when he's just in a tshirt and jeans, he has this quiet sexy fun side that i adore. I only got to see him for 2 hours though, because my dad is under the belief that i am his maid, not his kid. I did pretty good with the anger though, i only slammed the door a little....i didnt yell at all or cry. It was kind of hard though because i really wanted to see ben and it was cut short for no reason whatsoever....thats why i was angry...im trying to get better though. I reason that if i have kids, the only problem i will ever have is getting angry....never angry to where i would hit or hurt anyone, but angry where i would yell.....and i don't want to do that...so i might as well start working on it now.

I feel kinda bad, but also really good....i sent ben this list of like 50 or so questions that i want him to answer. There are questions about beliefs and fears and philosophical shit....but thats the stuff i want to know. i hope he fills it out. I know it's a pain in the ass, but the only other thing would be to sit down and ask him all of them and that would take even longer....

Alright.....my head is pounding...its pretty much hurt all day and now that i actually am willing to take something, i have nothing....all of my headache medicines are AWOL... :-( Oh well...what doesnt kill you makes you stronger... night night.

:: 2005 18 January :: 10.23 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

Alright so for those of you who are incredibly slow on your feet, Ben and Brody are one in the same. He ended up calling later. I'm kinda aggravated, because i always try to put him first unless its something like school or plans i've made way in advance. I wish sometimes i felt like i was always in his thoughts too. His excuse is that he has a bad memory, and he really does, its absolutely horrible...but i don't want to go around making sure he knows i'm still here... :-D Oh well, this isn't worth actually getting worked up about. And besides, there are some days when he absolutely blows me away with sweetness. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone forgets things...its just how it works i guess...better to learn from them and move on, than to get all caught up and angry. However, i will admit my patheticism.......i would make up things to do all day yesterday, but still check my phone every 5 minutes hoping he'd call.... :-/

Argh....i want to talk about what i'm doing for valentine's day, but he reads this!!!! grrr... I hope he actually likes it...my biggest worry is that he's gonna think it's dumb or not use it at all.... :-/

I may get to see him tomorrow....I'm gonna count on it, but i don't know if thats the smartest thing. I don't know. I have 2 main problems in life - one is that i have an anger problem, and the other is that i put too much faith and trust in too many people. Not to say that that's the case with ben. Usually i can count on him, and even though the guys all say he's whipped, he's REALLY not. As long as we didn't plan something already, i don't care what he does, well, ok, as long as whatever he's doing doesn't involve the presence of naked women.....at least in person....ewww :-D

Alrighty...I'll stop rambling, this whole entry is kinda just going off on itself....whatever. I hope tomorrow includes much wild crazy fun under the covers, and a little under cover cuddling afterwards...that would rock. :-D Ok, i need to go do homework.....had to go to this stupid music thing that involved sitting in a VERY uncomfortable chair for 5 hours straight and playin my instrument for that long. My back is killing me, and my butt is sorer than if i'd been kicked 20 times. :-(

Oh well....thats what hot steamy showers are for :-D night night

:: 2005 17 January :: 9.32 pm
:: Mood: cranky

I spent a good part of today working on what I'm going to do for Valentine's Day for Ben.....yes I know it's not even February, but this is awesome...this is where my waiting time for Brody went..............

:: 2005 17 January :: 8.50 pm
:: Mood: grumpy

Ok, so I've got this friend, we'll call him Brody. I don't get to see brody too much anymore, or at least its harder, because we both have school and work. So the chance to see brody is one i always look forward to VERY much. Brody told me yesterday that we could probably hang out today...the word 'probably' being in there, I figured there was a very good chance i would get to see him. I woke up this morning and i actually blocked out my day so that i could get everything done and have the whole 2 or so hours (when he had a break between classes) to spend with him. I took a shower early, did all my homework, and even put on something cute, just for him. Thank god I took the outfit off (it was too warm in my house) because Brody never called. I called brody's house and he was out with his friend, who we'll call Max. I have no problem with this. He can hang out with Max as much as he wants, max is his best friend. I just wish Brody would call.....so i didn't spend the day wondering if he was gonna call. And even now, there was another chance to see him....he got off class at 730, and i even texted him and called his house again, but he still hasn't called. I was so looking forward to seeing him....that's the only thing that's bugging me. I wish he'd just let me know.

I don't really care if Brody spends 20 times more time with Max than me. All i want is to know if we're actually going to hang out when he says. I always trust everything Brody says. If he says we're going to hang out, then i plan on hanging out. I hate waiting. Alright, i guess I'm going to go now. I'm not angry...just kinda sad. I love hanging out with Brody, and he's very special to me...maybe sometime this week ill get to see him... :-/

:: 2005 15 January :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: tired

I hate being sick...especially during final exams...it kinda sucks when you can't see the question you're supposed to answer due to your eyes blurring. The administration wouldn't let me go home because of the exams, so i pretty much bombed a couple of them. Oh well, i guess my grades are high enough where it won't KILL me, but it's still gonna make a mark. Damnit, I need to keep my GPA & class rank in check! argh.

Sudafed Nasal Decongestant is the ONLY medicine that makes a sinus infection better for me. However, the main ingredient in said medicine also happens to be the main ingredient in crystal meth. So while it clears you up quickly, it also hypes you up quickly. My mom had to actually ask the pharmacist for it because they stuck it in back.

Went to Chicago on yesterday (friday). It was alot of fun...i know i'm not being very descriptive, but i'm really tired from work and being sick. It just wears you down. Anyway, we all (me, Allix, Kristen, Jill, Marie, and Katie) got to go to the new (expensive!) Lush store downtown and then we went shopping at watertower place. It was actually kind of relaxing.......very nice.

Ahh, always my favorite thing to talk about...ben... :-D I'm such a sap. I'd forgotten how absolutely amazing he is when i'm sick. He gave me a full-body massage, including a face massage to help clear out and relax my sinuses, and let me lie in his arms and watch tv. it was SOOO nice and so unexpected. I expected him to want to jump me when he saw me...which is what he usually does....I'm so glad he didn't...not that i didn't want to, but i didnt want to. i was exhausted from chicago and sick as a dog, and he was like my knight in shining armor. I can't even describe the warm fuzzy feeling it gave me...on top of being an icredibly relaxing night, it makes me want to have super-incredible sex sometime soon. not just to repay him, but because i want it more now too... :-D ahhhhhhhhhh (happy sigh) he's so unbelievable. Ok, I'll stop rambling...well one last ramble. I watched Sweet home Alabama last night at like 2 in the morning. (hmmm thats a bit of an oxymoron) Such a good, sappy romantic movie!!!! I love it! It made everything perfect. The sweet, hometown boy is SOOO good!

:: 2005 10 January :: 2.48 pm

break time
Yea, so i get to take a 110-question final for my chem independent study....and i realized i know pretty much nothing...that sucks. Actually it's more just remembering the shit and keeping all the formulas straight. The stuff i'm actually worst at is the easiest stuff, because it was so long ago that i don't really remember it.

Anyway, it's gonna take me all week, so I figured i earned a five-minute break. I had the best day yesterday. I got all my laundry done, finished most of my homework, and got to spend a few amazingly hot hours with ben. I feel kinda bad though, cuz he was tired, and i usually want to cuddle....but last night i just didn't...damnit, the one day he was tired and cuddly and i was horny. I bring the non-cuddlyness on myself... >:(

I stole his football jersey and slept in it...it was so nice! It smelled like him, and even now, i can still smell a hint of him on my skin. :-D I want it to be like that all the time, but i prefer his body to his shirt. He had to go back to school today finally. This means I'm probably not gonna get to see him as much as i have been...but i'll live. It's practice for college...baby steps...can't just go cold turkey. K, now i'm sad because i'm thinking about how much i'm gonna miss his sweet face next year when i can't see him whenever i want....hmmmmm webcams?????????? :D

back to my damn chem test....

:: 2005 8 January :: 10.22 pm
:: Mood: drained

Work is tiring stuff...fun but tiring...even redbull can't give me wings. Oh well. Waitressing at chef's kicks ass, because he feeds us and it's small and expensive! :-D

I got to spend a bunch of time with ben this morning...it was so awesome and i think he's starting to get a taste for the beginning of my repayment for hurting him. I owe him so much and i plan on really showing that man how much i love him! Of course, i can't really say what i want to do until after i do it, because he reads this.... :-P Like today, he got twenty minutes of uninterrupted, nonstop focusing on one specific part of his body...whatever he wanted...i hope i can slowly get him to be more vocal and tell me exactly what he wants...its kinda hot.......but ill quit before i gross anyone out... ;-D

This fight (or whatever name you choose to give it) really kinda opened my eyes...i almost lost something so amazing and so wonderful....it really makes me appreciate it. SO so much...i think i was too caught up in everything to really notice how incredibly special and close and good ben is to me. That's definitely changing though. He deserves the best.... :D

night night....

:: 2005 8 January :: 12.13 am

ok, so the way i made part of my last entry sound, i don't want sex or emotion with ben at all. But that's not how i meant it. I just meant that it was a good time to relax and be the friends part of the relationship for a bit instead of the hot lovers part ;-)

It was really relaxing and made my stress just melt away. And yea, sex and kisses and all the other goodies would have done that too....but ya know, sometimes, you just want to be loved very 'softly' and this was one of those times...i just wanted to touch him and feel him there and be comforted by it. it was refreshing and calming and just took all the problems of the past two weeks and melted them into a neck massage. :-) And i don't know about him, but when i left, i wasn't so sad to be leaving him for the night...i feel like i took a little of him with me back home, instead of leaving him in the bed or in the car....and now i can sleep.....very well i think...that sounds good.....i feel better right now than i have in about a month...this is so nice...i am so going to repay him for his sweetness....he'll like it, i guarantee it! ;-D night night...

:: 2005 7 January :: 11.52 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Alright, well, because of miscommunication, i thought ben got off of work at 9...he got off at 6...me, kristen, and allix went to see the movie, though. It was ok, but nothing amazing. Then we talked to ben and mike, who were out together, and decided to meet in the park, but me and kristen got lost in crystal lake due to an accident detour...a whole chunk of 176 was blocked.......

This led to us being a little on the lost side of things, which made kristen spaz out and cry and want to go home. Finally got to see ben and mike though, along with allix.

I don't really know how things went between mike and ben last night....ben pretty much evaded the question, but you know what? its okay that i don't know i suppose. And actually, mike has proved to be quite the unpredictable guy.

I don't see him for awhile, and i just start to not like him a whole lot...he kinda scares me and i don't really want to see him. But then i see him and it's just....ok. And he shows compassion and hurt and love and just amazes me. Sometimes he can be an egotistical jerk, and i think he has no feeling in his heart or soul whatsoever, but then i see the pain shoot through his eyes when allix asks him how he is (his parents aren't doin so well, from what i understand) and he admits that he is gut-wrenchingly painfully in love with a girl he's ignored for a long time.

I think him and Ben are alot alike. They both seem so funny and goofy and carefree and tough on the outside, but every so often, you see this little glimpse of an absolutely amazing person...it's so neat.

I wish i saw mike more and talked to him, because i want to know him as much as i want to know ben. I don't always like him a whole bunch and I'll admit he frightens me sometimes, where i don't really know how to react around him, but i love him very much, because i know he's been there for ben numerous times and probably always will be. He's like a big brother of sorts, but one i don't really know at all yet.

It makes me so happy that he's in love. The hurtful, brutal love where you don't even know what to do. And he has to fight to get her, because he's hurt her in the past (she loved him, he didn't love her). I actually really hope this works out for him, because I think if he finds someone who really loves him and who he really truly loves and has to fight for, he'll appreciate it so much more, and it would be so cool to see him happy.

Alright, that's enough about mike. I know that's drastically different form what i was saying yesterday, but like i said, i saw one (actually two) of those little glimpses, and i wish i knew more of that side of him.

I didn't get to see ben quite as much as i hoped for tonight, but it all worked out in the end. I got to spend a little time with him, without a bunch of sex or emotion in there, just hanging out a bit....it was nice. A good way to end the night...it would have been nicer to just go home with him, but the wait is worth it...

night to all.....a much better end to a seemingly stressful night...it's funny how big of an effect friends and donuts and love can have on your stress level.... :-)

:: 2005 7 January :: 2.19 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

this is what two snow days gets me....back in school....bored to tears and tired as fuck. :-D Oh well. I also have the love of my life still loving me back, which keeps me smiling day in and day out.

Ben actually talked to Allix yesterday and said he wanted us to all hang out, but i don't know if he was blowin smoke or bein serious, so i figure i'll ask him. Kristen wants to go see lemony snickett, and that movie looks alright, jim carrey rocks, so maybe we can all do that. i guess it just depends on what everyone wants to do. Maybe me and kristen and allix will just go out if the guys don't feel like it.

Hopefully everything is all sorted out between me and ben now. i mean i know i still have to earn his trust, but i think we got everything out in the open that needed to be. He's been in love with Amy for 6 years, which bugged me at first but i wish he'd just told me. As long as he's truthful and honest about it, and he doesn't plan on trying to go with her while he's still with me, it's absolutely okay. That's just how I am though, i guess.

I think things are gonna be alright with us....hopefully even better than they were to start with, but than again, i like looking at everything as a chance to get better and grow and learn. I'm kinda retarded that way.....hmm...actually im retarded in alot of ways but that would take WAY too much space. :-D.

Alright well im gonna go see if ben wants to go out or if he's working....maybe i can find out how things went with mike....but ben said he wouldn't tell the truth if it went bad.....damnit....meh...ill deal with it.

:: 2005 6 January :: 8.43 pm

k, im confused.......and maybe a little worried....ben's online, but he won't respond to anything. Maybe it's his mom using his sn or something....?

:: 2005 6 January :: 6.16 pm
:: Mood: reflective & thoughtful

Well, I have quite the change of events....me and ben are back together...again. That's not to say that everything is all better, but we talked for over two hours and just well, really talked. It was nice. I do know him...i thought i didn't. I don't know if it's something i just created in my head, or if i thought there SHOULD be more wrong, or more to worry about, but there's not. I know his favorite color, his favorite food, what he loves, why he is who he is, what he believes, that he has a sister, hell i even know that when he gets his own house there will paper towels on the table instead of napkins....

There's one major obstacle to get through though....mike. He mentioned it to mike on the phone when i was over there, and mike's not pleased. I just hope he doesn't talk ben into unforgiving me... Mike worries me...ben says he's okay with me, but i just get the feeling that he really doesn't like SOMETHING about me or us. I don't know. Ben once said he may be jealous, and I suppose that could be true. Eventually mike will find someone who makes him uncontrollably happy and maybe then he'll quit about me.

Just because we're back together doesn't mean there's not any more work to do. i still really need to rebuild his trust. And i think we need to try talking face-to-face a bit more. We talked alot on the phone, but when i was over there, we didn't really talk about much of the important stuff. I did tell him that i still had alot of work to do. That was a big step for me, personally, to actually say that to his face. I acknowledged that i did wrong, but that i want to build off of it.

It was so nice to just lie in his arms...it's my favorite thing in the world to do. I smell like him. I think i'm gonna sleep in this shirt....it smells so much like him. and not like his cologne, but like him....like how noone else in the world could smell....like ben. :-)

:: 2005 5 January :: 11.06 pm
:: Mood: sad

Ben broke up with me....i think i was expecting it, but it still really hurts. There's so many things that remind me of him, and now, looking around, it just kinda stings. I have one of those nomination bracelets and i have his name.....i don't know whether or not to take it off....i still love him very very much. So what everyone called the perfect relationship is over...for now? I don't know. He said it may not be permanent. I want to sit down and talk to him. There's so many things going through my head....he said i can still call and come over, but what about the little notes i leave him? what about my little stuffed animal kitty? He said that if someone else comes along, to go for it, but i don't want to. I really planned on marrying him some day.....and i can't just change that feeling. He's such a good man.

I'm kinda numb about it, because i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't really know how to act at all. He said we're just gonna be really good friends for awhile to rebuild that trust that was lost. I understand that...but does that mean we really are starting over from 'square -2'??? i really want to talk to him face-to-face about it.

I did pretty good about not crying. i waited until my brother was gone and i was in the target parking lot. There's gonna be alot more crying...i'll admit that. Maybe this is okay though. I was going through everything we've been through and we've kinda lost alot of the fun. Alot of the romantic stuff and some the goofy stuff. Maybe this way we can get it back. I don't know if i should get my hopes up on us getting back together. I want to know what he truly believes. And now there's a fear at the back of my head, well, ok, maybe closer to the front, that he'll find someone. Someone who'll really knock his socks off. :-/

I don't know what's next. There's eight months before i go to college, and before then, i want to be settled. I want to either have him or not. I prefer to have him. I didn't really tell him all of this (i think he may think it dumb...or odd), but i want to kinda make a deal with him that i won't drink unless he's there. I think he's the only one i can trust to actually keep me safe. I obviously can't fully trust everyone else.

Hmm...I guess for all the trust i lost with him, everyone at that party lost my trust. They didn't keep me from doing something stupid when i was clearly drunk. Not that i'm going to blame them. I vaguely knew what was going on. I even texted ben saying i was kissing a bunch of people. But now i know i can't just kick back and have fun with the people i consider my closest friends. That's kind of depressing.

Sadly, I realized too late that losing ben's trust was the worst person's to lose. He's always been there for me, when allix and marie and kristen and even joseph haven't. This is an important lesson, and one i guess im happy (yet very sad) to learn.

I suppose he is giving me a second chance of sorts. I don't know, I could be wrong. I'll ask him. I really want to know what he thinks will happen because that will tell me how to act, what to do.

I'm gonna have to work hard at this. It's gonna be difficult to not hug him, not kiss him, not tell him how much i love him. The sex and other such goofing around....that's gonna be a little hard, but i think i might live. Although i love it, its not my FAVORITE part of what we have (had?). Not to say that he's not awesome, but people who stay together until there 102 and its theyre 75th anniversary, aren't still together because they have an amazing sex life.

i really want to help him be happy again. I guess i'll just really have to talk him, which will be hard for me, because i've always hated really talking. But maybe i'll get to know him a little better. Because the night he yelled at me, i realized that if he wanted to marry next year, i don't know if i'd be entirely ready. I need to know all of his beliefs and dreams and thoughts before i can committo a LIFE with him.

Sadly, i think this 'incident' put EVERYTHING into perspective...i don't really know him yet, now that may take more work, but im up to it..., that if we do get back together and get married i'd have to get used to being alone for awhile....i've never REALLY thought about that.

I just want to talk to him. Face-to-face. I don't want to think he's gonna come back to me when he won't, and i don't want to leave him just when he's ready to come back. I love him and i really do want to marry him someday, and i guess we will just have to see where this goes. i suppose any conclusion is better than more waiting though. these last two days nearly killed me...literally. I can only hope to regain his trust and make our bond stronger.

Oh and my email stopped freezing. It's caity_024@hotmail.com if anyone feels like giving me their opinion.

here's to a long night.... :-\

:: 2005 5 January :: 3.56 pm

An old song....we sang it in choir and he sat a few chairs away from me....I watched him out of the corner of my eye whenever we sang it...i had to fight not to cry...i never thought id have him, and now i may have lost him...and it's all my stupid fault.

On My Own - Les Miserables...

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

:: 2005 5 January :: 1.57 pm

:'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-( :'-(

i really do love too much....and i think that may be my downfall...it will destroy me. :'-(

all of these things keep flooding back to me at night....him driving me to the hospital when i sprained my ankle, going to the apple orchard, prom.......,the first time he said i love you.......in french...., spiderman....that will always be there....i can't escape it...alot of people say i look like kirsten dunst, and in my head i've always thought 'he's my spiderman and im his MJ'........go get'm tiger.'

:: 2005 5 January :: 1.26 pm

he's online.....but i can't talk to him....i promised myself i'd let him think...i didn't think it could be so hard...knowing he's right there...and there's nothing i can do...that dull rusty knife is twisting... :-/

:: 2005 5 January :: 12.42 pm

Argh.......so we finally have a snow day...this would be great, I could be playing cards with ben or norrath....argh.....oh well...maybe some day...

:: 2005 4 January :: 10.16 pm

im in love.....but it feels as though i have stabbed a rusty dull knife through my own heart........

works well as an away message...

maybe he'll call someday

:: 2005 4 January :: 9.56 pm

i feel like an annoying little tick...........but i miss him SO damn much. It's like he's a billion miles away and i can't reach him at all.

Woohu.com | Random Journal