nothing that has meaning is easy.

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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 4 January :: 9.40 pm

i wish i could talk to him.......that he would talk to me.....

:: 2005 4 January :: 3.58 pm
:: Mood: sad

ok, so i thought not talking to him, waiting, was bad, but hearing his voice, as you can tell by my last entry, was clearly worse. but you know what? bring it on.......i deserve every last sob and shake and headache and pain i get from this. i was dumb, and i wish i could show him how sorry i am.

:: 2005 4 January :: 12.44 am

His voice..................it was so...........cold. I am so sorry.......and i can't take it back, i can't erase his pain. I wish so bad that i could take it all away. im so so sos sososo soryy.. i hurt him so so basd... and i cant stop it. i dont know if he will forgive me. his voice ddint sound like it. i caused it. i caused all of his pain. i dont think i can live with that. i dont know what im going to do. he was so cold so so cold........i feel like a fool. i am a fool a stupid stupid fool. i may have lost myself the only good thing i had. threw it to the wind WHY WHOULD I DO HTAT> WHY? WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I HURT HIM DAMNIT. AND I CANT RELAESE HIM.....THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO...I DIDNT MEAN TO PICK up the phone..i thought for some reason it maybbe dan. im so sorry i didnt want to hear what i heard.....nothing...just words...i hurt him............im so sory i want to take it back....make him happy again....sor sroy i cant sleep....i want to hug him and take away his pain...take away the hurt i caused becasuse i m stupid.. im never drinking like that again...never so long as i live...if that could get me back could heal him i owuld never drink again........but it won't i wish i knew....i want ot help him....but i caused it.......i cause its i caused it icaused it........cant take it back.......im so sorry.......................................so so sorry...........its 1 am.....how am i supposed to sleep fuck me.......what about him? can dan help him? i wish i had a time machine.....but htat wouldn't be real....i always told him to never take things back.......but im wrong...i want to take this bakc....i want to hear laughter in voice and love in his heart........he was cold...........i think i may have mad e myself unforgiveable.....im srorry

:: 2005 3 January :: 10.22 pm

you know i hate that i keep writing in here........i know that ben reads this and im trying so hard to stay away from him and let him breathe...but i literally have noone to turn to. None of my friends know, and the ones that do.......they don't wanna talk about it. So i stupidly turn here, because although it's the one place ben can see my thoughts, it's also the one place i can let all of my feelings out......let them seep through my fingers....writing on paper leaves a trail for someone to find... :( I've screwed up EVERYTHING

:: 2005 3 January :: 9.38 pm
:: Mood: lonely

Wow....I screwed up sooo bad. I know that's a *duh* statement, but I just read all the old emails he ever sent me. :( I don't know how I could have ever done what i did, other than being trashed...argh...ok, im trying to stop going over this on here, because i know he reads these. To ben: i don't want to influence you or make you pity me. Alright.......I'm heading out for a bit. Worked out. That almost made me faint. Probably cause i didnt eat much. Oh well. maybe ill eat something later. night.

:: 2005 3 January :: 6.10 pm
:: Mood: distressed

Argh...my head hurts, and i can't find the advil or excedrin........and i don't want to go waste more money on it. not in much of a writing mood today....this is muy difficult.......i hate waiting...im trying to occupy my time.....i dont want to do homework. I took allix home today....she always thinks i'm mad at her. It's always about her. Well, either that or it's about someone else.......she always feels she has to sacrifice herself for everyone. Whatever. I feel bad, because my mask isn't working quite as well as i was hoping. It works on almost everyone, but there's little glitches in it, where i have to put my head down and just die for a bit. K, maybe I'll go work out...with the amount of food i've been eating lately, it should be easier than pie to lose quite a few pounds. Yay.

:: 2005 2 January :: 11.53 pm

Goodnight to all finally.......sleep for me is doubtful.......we shall see. I found a really cool place to go find the prom dress i want. I don't know why that matters.....i don't think i can make an appointment. I don't know if I'm going to be going. I hope this turns out alright. One day i want to be able to say goodnight to him and snuggle up close for the night instead of driving away. I remember him saying that to me at one point last night and i really nearly lost it. I don't think i told him this (I meant to, but I think it was just forgotten), but when I stayed over at my brother Mike's (i think when kristin was here, but that's irrelevant) me, mike, his fiancee sue, and nichole were sitting in the living room. Mike was lying in sue's lap and she just looked down at him and said, "Hey, ya wanna go to bed?" It was the most amazing moment. So simple, and I was SOOOOO jealous. I want to say that. I want to just BE with him. Alright, too much talking. I could be talking myself into a hole. I really don't want to pressure him. Which is why I'm leaving him alone. Which is also probably why I've been writing all day. It gives my mind something to do. Otherwise I'd call him. I don't want to that.......not yet. I'm going to let him take the first step.....it's just not mine to make. I've said all the sorries i could.......I've asked for a chance....I screwed up. let him think.
Ok, I'm really going now. School starts in t-minus 8 hours.......shit.

:: 2005 2 January :: 10.50 pm

today's horoscope -
Spend time with the people or person you love the most. You have a bright future, so share your ideas with the ones who will be affected by your decisions.

tomorrow's -
Work hard to accomplish the little things that need to be done. You will feel so much better starting the New Year off with a clean slate.

I wish life were as easy as a horoscope. I'm taking a 10-minute break. Have to bring my puppy inside (he's not really a puppy, but thats what i call him)

:: 2005 2 January :: 10.35 pm

I don't know why I'm clinging to the computer.......maybe because it doesn't talk. It doesn't try to comfort me. It doesn't yell either. I also went back to a slight comfort. Quotes. They bring stuff to a sharper focus and make me think.

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Thoughtless doesn't begin to describe it.

What we forgive too freely doesn't stay forgiven. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

I don�t like it, but that doesn�t make it untrue.

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

My regret � there was no motive, no good reason....just stupidity.

Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped. ~African Proverb

I don�t know if this has anything to do with anything, but I like it all the same. I slip alot.

When "Why not do it?" barely outweighs "Why do it?" - don't do it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

I really wish I�d been sober (and smart) enough to consider that.

Drunkenness is temporary suicide. ~Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

No shit.

My love-lies-bleeding. ~Thomas Campbell

I wish I could fix it, and take away his pain.

:: 2005 2 January :: 9.24 pm

I really thought i was done crying for the night....bad things always happen in threes (or in my case sometimes fours fives and sixes). My brother wanted two t-shirts from online and I laughed at him because he said he would pay my mom back (he has no job and no other source of money). He replied, 'how's ben?' He knew. My mom told my dad and my brother overheard and has been trying to nose out everything since yesterday. This hurt. And he knew it would. So I threw a candle at him and tried to knock him over. I have an anger problem. I couldn't control myself.....not with this. My mom yelled at me, and then my dad started in. I lost possession of my car and my cell phone. Then my dad cornered me and tried to hug me and tell me he knew how i felt. I told him that after years of treating me like shit, he can't expect me to allow him to comfort me. I told him I didn't like him and that I didn't want to talk to him. I think this may have ended in me getting smacked, but my mom finally stepped in and I ducked under his arms and into the living room. Such is life. At least now he knows he is unforgivable. I hate him. He has caused me so much pain. I cut myself on the candleholder. More punishment. I screwed up. Someone's making me pay. I don't think i want to sleep tonight. I need to think of some way to do something. I think school will help. I can escape my family.
I don't want ben to feel sorry for me. damnit. I don't even know why I'm writing in here about this. He reads it. I wish my family would stop butting into my personal life. I wish I could fix everything I did. Wishes usually don't come true. I guess I'll just have to find a way around the fairytale. I'm sure I'll write more in a little bit. bye.

:: 2005 2 January :: 7.27 pm

Alright so the last one was only my 6th, and this be my seventh. I truly don't know why I'm still writing. I think it's for something to DO. I've gone driving numerous times today, but those have only proved to be dangerous, as when im angry, i floor it and whip around corners. I've almost been in the ditch about 4 times today. I've tried to do my homework, but that's just pointless, and since it's not due tomorrow, I think I'm just going to give up on it tonight. I just have to write a summary play, so it's not really all that difficult, just kinda a pain in the butt. I have to face my calculus test grade tomorrow. That's a very scary thought. I think i need to go out and get a cliff's notes calculus book. Or a brilliant person who's around all the time (amanda unfortunately has to go back to new orleans this week). More than likely, I'll just keep truckin along and settle for a less than perfect grade. I don't have the motivation to keep going.

I'm hopefully going on the snowboarding trip to chestnut in february. It's this overnight thing that me and kristen went on two years ago. It's the last year we're young enough to go, so we plan on it. It would be fun I suppose, but I'm really quite bad at snowboarding. I just get hurt. I guess it could be funny though.

I've started looking at prom dresses. I don't know why. It's something I picked up about a week ago. I guess it just gives me something to dream about. I found some really gorgeous dresses. Under present stuff, I don't know if I'll be going, but it's still nice to look around. If I go, I think I'm going to do some sort of combination of red, orange, yellow, or pink....we shall see. There's alot up in the air right now, and prom is definitely the least of my worries.

School starts in t-minus 12 hours, 18 minutes. I really don't want to be there, but I've already missed 4.5 days of school and if I miss 8, I have to take end-of-the-year finals. That would really suck.

We're doing a poetry mini in Humanities. I was excited, but now I'm really not. I'm sad, so it's all gonna be reflected by at least a tenfold in my words. You should see the first poem I did. Not only is it bad, because I had to rhyme and structure it, but it's depressing. That's not gonna help if anyone I know sees it. Their all gonna start worrying....but I've already started working on building a wall and a mask around me for the time being. I don't want to be a public problem.......I want to keep my relationship my little secret. Well, not all of it, but fights, yes, and fun things, like a schoolgirl outfit I own........those stay hidden in my own mind. With the fun stuff, it's hot to hide it, with the not fun stuff, it's nice to not have to worry about what everyone else thinks. I can respond how I want to, by my own thoughts.

I think this is the longest one of the day. Does that mean I'm any better? Not necessarily. It means I'm not crying quite so much....i think I'm all cried out. For a little bit at least. my head hurts from crying and thinking so much, but aspirin's not going to do anything to that. I need a good long bubble bath or a massage, but I'm not going to give myself the joy of either. I figure I'll just let the pain be a constant reminder of what i did. It's my own personal punishment.

:: 2005 2 January :: 6.37 pm

Alright, so this is like my 10th or so entry for the day, but I don't know where else to turn. And I've decided I'm not gonna bug ben. No more text messages, no more instant messaging him, not unless he moves first. He said he needs time to think. I HAVE to give him that time. It's probably going to be the hardest thing I'm going to do. I can't stand it, but it's my only choice. He is horrible at making decisions........one of the most stubborn and indecisive people i know, other than me.....so i have to just grow up and let him think........k im gonna go try to eat something...............see yall in a bit im sure.

:: 2005 2 January :: 6.29 pm

I talked to Ben for awhile. He's hurt.....I can't fix that. Not right away. Fixing things take time and care. And he's still lost. He still doesn't know quite what to do. i don't really blame him. I keep wavering bewtween gut-wrenching sadness and spurts of anger. Sadness because i can't call up my best friend and the love of my life like i used to. angry because i was incredibly stupid and because i can't fix it. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Noone really knows what's going on, and i don't want to tell them. i don't want anyone's pity, because I don't deserve it. and i don't want anyone to hug me and tell me it will be ok.......the ONLY one who could do that would be ben. Not people who have no clue. I really want to hug him.

:: 2005 2 January :: 2.22 pm

please give me a second chance

doesn't everyone deserve one.....?

:: 2005 2 January :: 1.45 pm

Crimson

I don't believe it's better
To have loved and lost
It's simply not true.
Once the crimson tide of love
Has breached your soul
You are forever changed.
If the tide goes out,
It takes more than it leaves behind.
Shipwrecks and driftwood remain
Never to be whole again.
Some scars never heal.

i wrote this a little over a year ago.....after the first time i was with ben. It's a very sad poem, but i was very sad.
I have to write a structured poem for humanities. well, let me rephrase that.......i wrote a structured poem for humanities. I hate it. it's very bad, and it has to rhyme.......rhyme ruins the reason. The poem doesn't say what i want it to say. i want to say sorry, i want to say i love you, but it never comes out right. rhyme and reason should never go together.

:: 2005 2 January :: 12.52 pm

Im cold. I can't check my email. I have noone to talk to.......I want to DO something. But there's nothing to do. I hurt ben. God, i hate that.......more than anything else. I want to write to him or call him....but i don't want him angrier at me. I'm shaking........i don't if its because im cold. I wish my email wouldnt freeze like it is. I want to email him.......or at least write, even if I never send it.

:: 2005 2 January :: 12.07 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I'm writing in here........i'm procrastinating my homework for tomorrow.......and i don't really know what else to do. I hope ben went to work...i know he doesn't really like working there, but it's a job.....and jobs mean money. Ok,.....this isn't getting me anywhere. I don't even know what to write about. I didn't get any sleep last night.....well maybe 2 or 3 hours actually. At about 2 in the morning my dad came and took my feel-good blanket.....its warm and soft and really thick fleece........i suppose i deserved to have it ripped off of me, but i don't know why he did it. I hate him for taking it, even if he gave it back. It woke me up and kept me up, pacing around the house. ............ok....i guess im done. i don't know..........i want ben.......i want to be in his arms........hug him.

:: 2005 1 January :: 11.32 pm
:: Mood: horrible

i feel like im dying. I can't feel my feet. My entire body is shaking. I think I'm going to throwup. My head hurts worse than it has in almost a year, and ben doesn't know what to with me. Yup. Hey, what a surprise. I finally fucked up big enough. God, my head hurts.....it's the old, bad migraine attack. The pain won't stop. I kissed a couple of guys at a New Year's party. More than once. I hurt ben. I wish I could die right now........my stomach and my head and my heart all hurt............i want to throwup but its going to hurt........ooooowwwwwwwwwww..........i can't stop shivering. i really fucked up this time.......i hurt the one person i never wanted to hurt in the whole world........i need to put my head down.....i can't type anymore........i cant move.

:: 2005 1 January :: 4.31 pm
:: Mood: confused

I want ben.

:: 2004 26 December :: 11.09 pm
:: Mood: hurt

owww
I fell down my porch stairs........again.......it hurts.......alot..........however I still have the inner-child-like instinct to NOT crack my head open.......even if that means risking elbows, knees and ankles. Okay, enough about my pain.......well for the moment.

Definitely having a fat........month.......I weigh more than Ben.......not much.....only a few pounds at the most.........but it still sucks. I hate it because I'm sick of not feeling comfortable.....hmmmmm I'm shaking. Probably from the shooting pain in my arm! :D

Ben just tried to get me to take something for my arm and back. I don't like medicine unless I have a headache or a sinus infection, cause those make me want to die.

I have alot of friends who aren't really friends at all.......I despise who most of them are. Does that mean there's something wrong with me? Oh well. I'm trying to stay more positive....keep from going so close to rock-bottom. There are alot of times when I'm really happy........it's just little tweaks that make me sad.........

like no thank you from my brother for my christmas gift
like falling off the porch

Ben doesn't like coming over to my house. I suppose I understand that.....but I don't like his mom and I still come over.

This is just a bunch of the random thoughts that are swimming through my head.....it's more what it's really like up there...all torn and ragged, not so neat and smart.

Kristen may be breaking up with dan. That kinda sucks. I don't really know what to say about it though.....I've become a bit detached from that.

If I marry ben, chances are, I can't have a cat. I don't know what to even think about that one. I'll let my dreams carry it away.

I'm in a writer's block, and I'm currently in a poetry mini. Or maybe I just haven't written in awhile. Here's a cool poem I wrote forever and two days ago -

...Beat...

My heart beats
Like waves
Crashing against the rocks
Steady
Ever so softly
Eroding my sanity

I like it.......one of the few i actually admit liking. It's perfect in it's imperfection.

Alot of things are like that.

I want to start my memory book. That way SOMEONE will have a chronicle of my life, even if it's not quite enjoyable all the time.

I have an anger problem. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. What's the second?

I need somewhere to work out..........I'm sick of being the one who doesn't want to go shopping.

I love ben.....with all my heart...........even though he confuses me.

Well I think thats all the blood and tearing I can squeeze into one entry. I'm really not sad all the time.

Goodnight.

:: 2004 20 December :: 2.28 pm
:: Mood: chipper

1 year. That's a long time....but if I just stop and think about it for a second, it doesn't seem all that long. If I sit and think closely about it, I can see all the little stuff and it seems about a year....but to just glance at it...it feels like just yesterday, I was meeting little Bradley, going out to Nick's Pizza Pub and walking around with him, just yesterday I went over to his house to wrap a present for his mom because Ben and his dad are typical guys when it comes to wrapping, and just yesterday he was standing outside his house, saying goodbye....and Je'taime, which I will NEVER forget. So many awesome memories, some hysterical, some more serious, but all precious to me. Ok, enough of my rambling.......back to Chem class.........bye bye.

:: 2004 16 December :: 9.04 pm
:: Mood: stressed

If only the world could see the 'genius' now. I'm screaming for no reason, throwing 10 lb. weights at the wall, my head is throbbing, and i'm just tired. My mom got home...yay..... Now she can rag on me too. That's all everyone does at my house. If my brother doesn't change the cat litter, I have to do it, because otherwise my dad yells at me. Ha- I've got a Christmas wish. How about a family who doesn't blame everyone else, who actually cares about me, and not in the way that they know I'm close by to be their waitress. That would be nice.
My head hurts.......alot. My mom promised me she would help me finish my book for advanced biology. Another promise broken. And now, because of all the chores i had to do today, I haven't finished it. And I have no time this weekend.....I don't know what to do anymore. I'm drowning. I keep trying to look for positive things (I get to go see ben tonight, I can go shopping tonight, hot bubble bath) but I feel like they're just an escape. I don't want it to be like that. I feel like I have two separate lives. I love the one. It's like a dream. I'm happy.......all the time. But this other one.....it's more prominent. I have to be there more often. It's deeper than Hell.
I hate being sad, I hate being depressed. I want to grow up and be a mom. I think I'll be great at it. One thing I can finally actually be GOOD at. Not just kinda......
I talked to Ben about the whole Nicole spiel. I didn't want to. Part of it was very selfish and the other part.......wasn't. The selfish part, well it didn't want him to feel anything, to even think about her....the other part........it didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to make him sad. You know what the funny thing is???????? It's kinda sick actually. If he came up to me and told me, "I want to be with her," no matter who that 'her' was........I would be okay with it, as long at that made him happy.
Almost a full year with him, longer if you count the stuff before......and I would be willing to walk away from it in an instant, if that was he wanted. That's how much I love him.......sounds bassackwards doesnt it. But it makes sense. At least in my mind. I love him so deeply and so beyond anything I've ever felt before, that my ONLY concern is to make him happy. To know that the sunshine is always shining on his face, and that he's always smiling.
He's right; at any moment, something could change. A bomb, an earthquake, a car accident. We could lose each other in the blink of an eye. I have to stop hanging on SOOOOO tightly. I have to just love him. Not be afraid. Talk to him.....even though he doesn't talk back.
I'm lost, but he's like my flashlight.
God, I hate my parents..........they're selfish, mean, irresponsible, childish, lazy fucks.
Can I sleep awhile?

:: 2004 14 December :: 9.40 pm
:: Mood: crappy

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........so guess what out-of-the-blue hit me like a ton of bricks? Nicole's gonna be back in marengo for christmas....

I don't know where it came from...I was sitting in Humanities, writing about nothing, and it just felt like a rock dropped into my stomach. It hurts. I know why too. I don't know if he loved her.......if he still loves her (even if it's deep down and buried)...........my only hope is that I won't see her...or he won't? I don't know. I know he loves me, i feel it in every bone in my body, but what if she comes and sweeps him back up? She treated him like shit. I had all of this planned in my head to write here, but now it's all jumbled again. It's like putting it in black and white is too real.
Argh.......my heart actually HURTS.......I'm so DUMB!!!!!!!! All of last year is flooding back to me.....all my feelings.......everything I saw............oh god..........the musical.......ow.......I was (am) SO in love with him.....I can't stand it...I don't want to sleep.....no dreams....

Why does everything pile up at once? It all hits at once. I can never take just one stressful thought, I get twenty.
So I'm nervous because Nicole's gonna be around, I'm nervous because everyone thinks I'm going to marry Joseph, and I'm not nearly as smart as everyone thinks I am.

Yea, that's right. I'm not the amazing genius everyone tries to tell themselves I am. I suck. Pretty bad too. I'm doing horrible on the WYSE tests I've taken so far, Calc is fuckin hard, I don't know if I'm going to do well enough on the AP tests in the spring, and I doubt I'm going to get that full scholarship. But everyone fucking BELIEVES in me or has FAITH in me. I HAVE NO FAITH IN MYSELF........I see every single weakness and I know that I'm not as good as everyone believes. I'm doing pretty damn good at faking it right now........but that is taking SOOOOOO much energy. I want to unload all this shit on someone.......but that would be wrong.....and I definitely don't want to bother Ben about all of this....I don't think he's going to like seeing Nicole's name.......but then again....I don't really know what he thinks at all.......maybe it's just in the past.......but what if in writing this I stir shit up again???????????

Kristen's depressed again.........she thinks she may break up with Dan. I hope she doesn't...........

I have no motivation but self-motivation........and I don't believe in myself right now....so my motivation is gone.......and people are going to start to see how ungenius I am...................... :-(

:: 2004 12 December :: 9.10 pm
:: Mood: procrastinaty

yes, i know procrastinaty isn't an actual word
I really don't want to write my paper, so I figured I'd waste some time on here.
Apparently joseph has said that if he could go on a date with anyone it would be morgan, and if he could have a relationship with anyone it would be me. I don't like it, but don't quote me on it because I didn't here it from him. Also, both allix and my mom keeping saying im going to marry him. I don't want to marry him. If anyone, I want to marry Ben. But why does everyone keep saying these things? It's really frustrating......and it's making me lose sleep. I just don't understand it. I try not to think about it, but it keeps popping up.
I could never even date that kid. Sure, I'm friends with him, but he can be so MEAN to me, and there are so many things about him that I don't like.
I finally got to see Ben for more than an hour on Saturday! It was so nice to just lay with him and cuddle and play! It felt SOOO good. He's so warm and soft and cuddly. And no I'm not talking about a puppy. :D I love spending time with him. He's my best friend and my boyfriend, all rolled into one awesome package. He's cute to boot, and he is the only guy I know who actually does his own laundry!!!!!!! I'm gonna miss him SOOOOO much when I go up to college next year....but i think it'll be okay. We'll just make the most of what we have........we've been through things much more difficult than this!
I'm sad..........he knows pretty much all of his christmas presents, dangit. Maybe I'll find something little to surprise him.

Ok, I suppose this is enough procrastinating for me. I don't want to be up all night.
:D

:: 2004 10 December :: 12.42 pm
:: Mood: blank

I'm sitting in Resource because we're writing papers..mine's done so I'm bored. Plus i never write in here anymore. Life is okay...I suppose. I'm absolutely head over heels in love with ben...he's just so damn amazing..........our 1-year anniversary is coming up in 10 days. Wow. Seeing that in black-and-white is kinda weird. It's not that I didn't think we would make it.........but I figured it wouldn't stick because it made me happy. But him and everything he is has thrown me off-guard. With him, my dreams come true. With him, I'm happy. With him, I don't have to be afraid of being hurt or laughed at (unless it's something completely stupid where i SHOULD be laughed at). I'm honestly not used to it. Usually if I want something or crave it on that really deep elemental level, I won't get it. I didn't think I'd get him. As soon as I saw that brilliant, amazing smile directed at me, I was so scared to fall for him. So afraid. His smile frightened me because it drew me in and hypnotized me.......and looking into those deep sweet eyes pulled me under.

He said he might ask me to marry him next year. If we make it through this crucial year.......where I'll be a billion miles away (not really but it seems so). Now I'm scared again. I don't want to say that I'd love anything to do with that....kids, a family, a life.......because I could jinx it. And I dont want to do that. I would do anything to keep it from going away, to keep him from going away. But I'm scared, like a little kid. Scared that if I believe, the boogey man will come out and eat my dreams. He talks about it alot not always directly, sometimes, "One day you won't have to go home, you'll be there already." And I want to say how much i hate leaving, how much I want to stay, how bad it hurts to go back to a place where noone cares. But what if that screws it up? What if that makes it go wrong? Makes it so that I can't have it. I wish I wasn't so afraid.

The future is so painfully uncertain sometimes. I hate thinking that way, but I've grown up. I have to be realistic. One wrong step and my best friend could be lying under a bus wheel. So what do I do? Why am I worrying so much these days? I think I need to close back up a bit. I've become TOO emotional. It's easier for me to be broken. I can't break

:: 2004 22 November :: 3.33 pm
:: Mood: bored

Wow, once again i have neglected this journal for quite some time. My computer's been on the fritz.......again. Life's been going pretty well lately. Ben has been this overly amazing, I-think-I'm-dreaming man. Let's take this last weekend. It rocked. Friday, we went out to dinner with dan and kristen (who are, by the way, back together!). Then we went back to Dan's.. :D We hopped in the hottub for awhile, me and kristen got a little sloshed, and there was plenty of fun time to spend with Ben..... ;-) Sex is rather nice when you're drunk. Then on Saturday I worked, and Chef was pickin on me all night (which he always does, actually). At about 8:45, Ben came in, which ABSOLUTELY made my night. To top it off, though, he pulled a dozen roses from behind his back. Talk about awesome....I SOOO wasn't expecting it. I don't know how to thank him for it. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhh.......he said if we make it through this next year........he may propose.......more later!

:: 2004 28 October :: 8.27 pm

blah blah
yea, I haven't written in awhile. This is partially due to my computer being fried and partially due to the overwhelming amount of homework I've had lately. Oh well. All is good for now. The homework has slowed a bit.
Marching season is over. It sucked anyway, except for my last performance...sandwich. That was great. We got first. It was one of those really awesome, come-from-behind, noone expected it first place finishes. We thought we were gonna get fourth.
Things are going pretty well with Ben. We went to the apple orchard last weekend. I had alot of fun. We went apple picking and everything. I hope he had fun. Going to the apple orchard is one of those few childhood memories I actually like, and I'm glad I got to show it to him.
Allix and Joseph broke up. Finally. There's not much more to say on that, except for the fact that I lost Joseph a little bit I think. He wouldn't even talk to me for about a week. That made me sad. :-(
I got into Northern Michigan. I suppose I should sound more excited, but noone's even said congratulations. My parents actually asked what other colleges I was planning on applying to. Damn them. I got into my dream school and they don't even care.
I think I'm too passionate (or compassionate, im not really sure). I do all these cute little things for Ben, like leaving him notes on his car, leaving little notes in his room, sending him short emails just to say I love him. But I feel like he's almost exasperated by them. I made him a CD and it was no big deal to him (or if it was, he didn't act it). I really like doing those things, but if he doesn't care, should I stop? Alot of the time, I wish he'd do little things like that, or send me flowers at school, or pick flowers for me like he always says he thinks of doing. But he's not really like that I guess. It's not bad. I can't expect him to be movie-style perfect. But I do love those little things. When he calls to say goodnight after work or when he sprays cologne on right before I come over, because he knows I love how he smells.......those stupid little things make my day. Argh...I'll probably just continue doing the little stuff. I like it even it never gets results. Hehehe....I'm glad he doesn't read this anymore, or at least I hope he doesn't. These are the types of things I would never tell him. I don't really want to change him. That would make me feel like crap. I just like to dream.

:: 2004 14 September :: 10.39 pm
:: Mood: uncertain

......
Argh. I want to cry. I don't know what to do. Someone tell me if I'm overreacting. Please. I'd been looking forward to going and visiting ben at work all day. I bought him apple pies because I know he likes them, and even stuck a little note in there. So I get to the ice house and end up waiting 20 minutes cause he was doin stuff, which was fine. But when he came into the lobby, I didn't even get a smile.....i even stuck my tongue out at him to try and get any expression whatsoever...none. Not even an 'im tired and sick, i dont want to smile' grin. He doesn't like PDA, so I couldnt even give him a little kiss. I went with him to get food, and then i left. I got in my car and cried for a good 10 minutes. He didn't even want the apple pies. I left them in his car.....and as for the note, I'm sure he won't see it...it'll probably go in garbage with the pies.... :'( Before I got back in my car, I gave him a bunch of little kisses to try and get him to smile...I tried so hard to be cheery and brighten his day....but he just seemed annoyed with me. And now I'm crying again...goddamnit. I spent all day thinking about this...I figured the pies or at least me being there would bring a smile to his face. I don't know what to do. I can't even blow this off as 'oh well its probably nothing' because it hurts. I don't know what the hell he's thinking, ever, and I can never make him smile. I wish I was the type of girl where just seeing me would bring a goofy grin to his face and a sparkle to his eyes. That's what he does to me. Why don't I do that to him??? Has he always done this? Maybe I've just been blind to it?
I dont understand. Sometimes he this absolutely amazing sweetheart, saying stuff that makes my heart melt. Other times though, he seems cold and distant. I hate being in love. I absolutely despise it. I love too deeply and too strongly. I'm a sap for crazy romantic comedies and I love to play. I want to jump on him and tackle him to the ground with kisses.
What's wrong with me? he knows exactly what I would get from basically every restaurant. I don't know all that about him...why not? Do I not listen? or does he not tell? Why don't I know him?? Does he have dreams? What is he thinking right now? I just want to curl up and cry. Someone please tell me where I have gone wrong. Maybe the problem is that I really do love too much, too strongly, too purely, too playfully.

:: 2004 13 September :: 8.48 pm
:: Mood: argh

ARGH! I hate being crabby! I'm whiny and complainy and I'm cravin chocolate and analyzing every fricken thing and I just want to cry!!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I feel like Ben's been ignoring me recently. Actually it's more of he's actually acting like a normal guy....but I'm especially spastastic this month. However, it did upset me when him and Mike said they would be at the Freeze and then weren't. I actually got dressed, put on a hot shirt, tossed on some makeup, and ran a brush through my hair. I thought I could actually pass for hot, so I was damned happy to go out. But then they were back at Mikes. I wasn't too pissed, just upset that I looked cute for once and noone noticed. Argh. Oh well.
Oh and I've been feeling some major jealousy towards Allix in a way. Everyone always goes and visits her after work, or drops by her house. Noone ever does that for me....damnit. Oh well.....such is life I suppose. I'll get over myself in a few days. I just hate always being the one to call people...not really having anything to say...just to talk to someone...good god, i'm pathetic. goodnight.

:: 2004 11 September :: 11.46 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

I'm SOOO tired....but it's worth it. I made $90 today! Yay! And the job rocks. Yea, I'm tired, I'm goin to bed.....night.

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