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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2004 6 September :: 12.35 am
:: Mood: :-)

Ya know what? I'm in love....and that's all you need to know! :D

:: 2004 29 August :: 9.50 pm
:: Mood: blah

I decided I wasn't going to call anyone today....at all. Noone's called me....that's kinda depressing. Well I take that back. Mike or Ben or both called my cell, but i was eating so i missed it. I haven't talked to ANYONE all day. I feel pathetic.....and like my brain is turning to mush from not thinking and talking and being my normal self. arrr. Oh well, maybe this was good for me in some way. I don't know how it could be though. Meh.

School starts full time tomorrow. And thus begins the longest school year ever. I just want to go to college, and be free of curfews and dogs and lazy little brothers. blahblahblahblahblah...ok. My brain is officially dead from lack of exercise. Darn. Goodnight.

:: 2004 29 August :: 12.37 am
:: Mood: exhausted

yay! i earned $80 tonight! in 5 hours! yay! actually that's not that high for a saturday night, but hey, $80 is $80. i'm sleepy. I managed to shatter a full glass of merlot and not get it on anyone but myself and the floor. And it fell right between 3 tables! It was the luckiest thing ever.

Yea, I'm definitely gonna catch pneumonia. I guarded doggie dip today from 2-4. It poured from 215-4. And I was standing out in the rain and wind. YAY! :( I was absolutely frozen. It was horrible. And these crazy people with their crazy dogs, were just swimming around havin the time of their lives. I don't get paid enough there!

I'm feelin kinda nervous because me and Ben haven't been using condoms at all lately....I haven't been missing any of my pills, but I have taken a couple about 15-20 minutes late. So it's all good, but I feel like I shouldn't being doing it....like it's unsafe. But it's so good. And I'm being safe with the pill and all. Plus, now we're so used to it that way.....I don't want to take the time to think about grabbing one....ARGH! Oh well. Life goes on. I guess it's not that big of a deal.

Ben's so sweet. And so hot. Even though he doesn't believe me when I tell him. I have a craving to watch and excellent porno....and maybe imitate what they're doing onscreen. It could be hot. :D I'm so weird....so kinky. Is that a bad thing?

Alright im tired.....sex and guarding in the rain and waitressing for 5 hours makes one sleepy. Night to all.

:: 2004 27 August :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

First day of school................yay. Actually it wasn't too bad. We got a new school this year. It's huge. Well probably not compared to alot of other schools, but huge compared to the old one. I like it. I'm not very big on still being in highschool, but hopefully this year will go by quick and i will be well on my way to college. Hmmm...that sounds depressing. I don't mind my schedule much at all. Last hour is my independent study and I get a WHOLE CLASSROOM, with lab stations and everything to stretch out in. It rocks. It made my day when i saw it. :D I'm such a chem nerd. Oh, and a total band geek. The band room is AWESOME! High ceilings and sound absorbing walls.....its beautiful! Yea, talking about school is gay....anyway.

I'm not quite as depressed, well for today anyway. If I just take things a day at a time, it all goes much easier. If I was to step back and look at the big picture...I might have to cry.

Awww...it was precious. We went to breakfast this morning (me, Al, Joe, Kristen, and Amber). It was supposed to be mike and Ben too, but they were too tired. So of course we annoyed the crap out them... :-\ It was like our last little goodbye to summer....damn school. :D

Yea im done writing.....can't focus.....brain dead from lack of activity tonight...........

:: 2004 25 August :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: disoriented

on the verge of a nervous breakdown
Is it wrong for me to acknowledge that the week or so when my dad was in the hospital was the greatest week of my life?????
I'm sitting in front of this mindless computer, shaking uncontrollably and tears are streaming down my face.
I've given up every sport I play. I'm giving up the play. I wanted to be Juliet this year. My senior year. I'd been working on my monologue for tryouts since March. MARCH!!!! The instant I heard what play we were doing. But now it's gone. I was even growing out my fucking hair so that it could be one long gorgeous braid down my back. I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO GIVE UP. I got a job so that my mom would stop bitching about giving me money and I drive my brother 3 days a week to his numerous extracurriculars.

I don't want my life to end like this. I really don't. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on as I have been. It's so hard. I don't know how much longer I can convince everyone that I'm okay. I will not die crazy....so if that means dying before I get where I want to be, so be it. I will not be locked up in some little asylum.

Why do i deserve this? What did I do wrong?

:: 2004 23 August :: 12.10 am
:: Mood: sleepy

Hmmmmm.....crazy day. Went shopping at Fields... Nance bought me a bunch of stuff ($204 worth to be exact) that didnt fit right, so I exchanged it for twice as many clothes!!! YAY! Yea, ok thats the only other thing that happened besides whats next....oh well

Me and Allix went over by Ben's (joseph was there). I'd been kinda confused by Ben the whole day cause he seemed really out of it, and I didnt know if he was tired or upset or just blah. At one point, during the night, he told me to get out of his house, and i pretty much knew he was joking, but the way he said it was so dead and emotionless that i actually went outside. Me and Allix went and sat in the backyard and laid down to talk. The boys ended up looking for us and then they got worried because they couldn't find us....(their line of sight was blocked from us by pine trees)....by the time they found us Ben was worried sick enough to 'guy-cry' (his eyes get watery, but actual tears aren't allowed) ... I felt awful. I still feel horrible. It made me sick to my stomach to know that I'd upset him that much. Argh...and there's nothing I can do to change it. I scared the shit out of him, and I can't just go back in time and fix it. I can't even explain it all.....he's just SOOOO good to me....everytime i hurt him, even in the slightest way, it kills me.....it absolutely kills me....and there's nothing i can do but try to do better next time around. Is that good enough????? :-\

We ended up talking for about an hour or two, mainly about stuff that bugged us about the other one. It was a no holes-barred blatant conversation on what made him upset or annoyed about me, and vice versa. However, my annoyances toward him were quite few and weak at that. So tonight, I went through numerous journals and tried to find stuff about him, in the past 2 years, that bugged me. And I came up with pretty much nothing. I really tried. I seriously went through any journal that would have ANY mention of him....I found alot of awesome things.....but none that are bad. NONE. I'm determined to find something that aggravates me about him....anything...i will analyze him till i go insane....ok not really. I just figure I must not be seeing something. Noone's perfect. Hmmm...however, I am going to put in some of the stuff I've written over the past 2 years, cause it's neat stuff. I'll try to do it in time order, but there's no guarantees.

hahhaa...this is from when I first met Ben....I was actually madly crushing on Dan at the time!!!!! :D
- One (guilty?) pleasure....I've been flirting with Ben Campbell alot lately. I don't know if he likes me or not, but if he does, I dont want to hurt him. So I really gotta slow down there.

HAHAHAHAHA I was such a little dork. I bet he just thought I was some nice little theater girl to talk to. Ahhhhhhh.....im amused!

Yea, this was after the first time around....there's stuff I wrote in between the two events but it's not much emotion..more of a play-by-play.

- God I miss Ben, but I don't know what to do. I want to tell him how I feel, but I am SOO afraid. Yep. Me. Afraid. I've been hurt continuously over and over again, without a break. I would love to be back sitting on the couch watching.....Big Daddy?? Can't remember. It didn't matter.

-I want to feel the bliss I felt when I hugged Ben. The sweet purity that was so awesome it shocked me. From a hug. Screw the kisses. Give me the hugs.

And now we're back into the 2nd chapter of this whole crazy thing called love!

- I'm afraid of you. I know its dumb. You wrap your arms around me and I feel SO safe and warm. But then I remember that those arms have left me cold before. That those deep eyes have caused me pain before. So I'm afraid. Afraid of falling for you and letting you break my heart again. But then I'm with you and I get lost. Lost in your eyes and in your hugs. Lost in a world I wouldn't mind staying in.

Hmmm and this was the grand time that Mike decided he didn't approve of me and Ben...that really sucked.

-I am part of the reason Ben and Mike are fighting. I feel like my heart is being torn from my body.

-I didn't even get to hug him tonight. He came to the game and left right after pregame. He wanted to talk with Dan. I respect that. But I wanted to hug him. So so bad. Losing him last summer was horrible. I can't lose him again. I don't know what I would do. I want him to be happy. I want him to smile again. Even the 'fuck you' smile would be alright because I've never seen him do it when he was sad. I love him so much.....I don't know why...so I know it's true. It's everything and nothing at the same time.

-Things are better. We hit rocks at a hard time....it was intense passion and no play time....everything that was childish and precious was gone, and we haven't reached a middle ground.

This one is just kinda random....it's finally something not perfect. It's on the same page as the one above it so I'm assuming they're close together.

-Ben confuses me so much sometimes. I know he is how he is, but it's so frustrating. And I hate that everyone else seems to know him better than me. Does he still love Nicole? Well, he'll probably always love her, but does he still think about her? Is he gonna flip out if he sees her at prom? Why can't I see those pictures on his computer? Whats the little black book on his computer desk? All a bunch of questions to which I'll possibly never know the answer to.

Finally, one that's much more recent.

-It's July 31st, summer before my senior year, and my life is kind of a chaotic mess. Dad's in the hospital because he had a stroke. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do jobwise for the winter. But I'm still with Ben. That keeps me smiling. There are rough patches, not so much between us as around us, but we work our way through them together. He told me he's a burden, but he's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. He's the single greatest man I've ever met.

Ok, I'm done. I didn't take out a single word from any of those mini entries. Each one is the original that I wrote down. Nothing taken out. Maybe some punctuation/spelling/grammar fixed but other than that, everything is as it was. Okay, so things aren't always perfect. He's not perfect. But there's nothing specific that annoys me or makes me upset about him. He's sweet, charismatic, understanding, and goofy. I don't know what else to ask for. Oh...a friend. And he's been that from the start. I see his imperfections....and theyre perfect. They make him who he is. I love it.

Good night.

:: 2004 20 August :: 11.16 pm
:: Mood: guilty

Argh.....damn rollercoaster.....see i was completely wrong.....he texted me halfway there to say happy anniversary and that i was beautiful....and he proceeded to call me 3 times throughout the night. Why am I so stupid as to doubt him???? You know, you think I'd realize that he's so damn amazing and stop worrying about it. Good lord, I need to just sit back and let it go. I'm in love with the most amazing man in the world, and he loves me back. That's all there is to it.

Him and Dan are both spinning tomorrow. He's so excited about it. It was absolutely precious (i know...precious is a very cheesy word, but i dont mean in a cheesy way) how much light was in his voice. I could almost see his eyes dancing around. :D I love seeing him (or hearing him) completely happy and excited. It's the coolest thing and it makes my day.

Ahhhhhhh.........this rollercoaster thing of love is insane....but the ups are so much more than the downs.....'what a life, what a world, im in love!!!' :D

night night

:: 2004 20 August :: 3.12 pm
:: Mood: confused/aggravated/frustrated

Hmmmmmm.....so it's me and Ben's 8 month anniversary....he's supposed to be going down to Springfield with Dan and Mike for a gunspinning contest (Dan kicks ass). I have no problem with that. The problem is that he might have left already and didn't bother calling me....even just to say bye for the weekend. That blows. And I even called him this morning. He wasn't home so his mom said she'd tell him I called. I called 3 hours later and she said they left already.

I dont know whether to cry or be pissed or just let it all slide because he probably forgot. He's with the other boys and that makes them all goofy. I guess I understand it and I'm not really pissed....just kinda upset.....and he was being SUCH a sweetheart last night....

Oh well...its not THAT big of a deal....it's not like he didnt call and it was our 1 year...hmmm speaking of that...I'll probably start spazzing out about that....everyone's warned me that at about a year, things get weird and everyone gets antsy...i dont wanna lose that goofball. This is what I get for falling in love...a crazy rollercoaster of emotion....argh!!! :D

:: 2004 19 August :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: drained

Band is exhausting. Of course, me not going to bed till 1 am doesn't help. Oh well. Not tired. Too much stuff to do, not enough time. Hmmm...so I think I may have found an address for my sister. I haven't talked to her in something around 5 years. There was this huge family fight that nearly involved lawsuits and restraining orders. But I've wanted to get in touch with her for quite some time now. I guess it's up to her after that.
Me and Ben had a long talk about crappy stuff for about an hour or so last night. It was good, I think, but he now has this irrepressible rage towards my father. I wish I could spend a day with Ben, just lying around in bed, talking. But it would have to be pretty much a whole day, because it takes awhile for me to be comfortable talking. I've discovered that it's easier for everyone when I dont talk at all. For instance, look at Allix and Joe. I stopped talking to them about them, and now they're all better. It just works.
I want to know Ben. Hmmmm....well, I mean I know him, but I want to know what makes him him...I want to know the little things noone else knows. Has he ever faced any pain like mine....probably not, cuz its just shit, but I hope to find out. I know he's dealt with plenty of crap, but he never talks about it.......maybe he's a completely different person underneath what everyone sees........as long as he's not a serial killer, id be okay with it.
School starts in a week. I don't really have any motivation for going back to highschool. I'd really prefer to just skip senior year and go straight to college. It would be so much easier. Oh well. Such is life. At least my schedule is worthwhile. I haven't had to take a full year of PE all highschool. That's kinda fun. Plus, my independent study is last hour.......that makes my day. It really does.
K, I don't really have anything more to say......except an interesting question.......... How would you explain a hickey on your nose???? ;D

:: 2004 15 August :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: blah

I went and saw Little Black Book today with Al and Kel. It was a little too girly for me, but it was cute. I don't really know what to do about Allix because she just aggravates the hell out of me, but she's my best friend. I can't stand the fact that she takes advantage of me to spend time with joseph (she took the whole day off work to go shopping with me, then took a 2 hour nap with him). It wouldn't bother me so much if it was once in a great while, but it seems like it's all the time!

Argh, enough frustration. I did get to spend the night with Ben. It was excellent. It's weird, though. I didn't feel like it was too big of a deal. It felt almost normal, if that makes any sense. I suppose it's a good thing, like I'm comfortable enough to not make a huge deal out of it. It was really nice, but we woke up a few times. I think it's just because we're not used to sleeping cuddled right next to someone who moves occasionally. :D

Speaking of Ben, he keeps asking me if things are wrong and if I wanna talk about anything. The thing is things are wrong (not horribly wrong, just kinda icky) but I don't know HOW to talk to him about them. And I don't like complaining to him or telling him my problems.....I think it's because I'm used to listening. What I really want is to hear him tell me what's wrong, because I know his mom bugs him, and I wish he'd spend a little more time venting. Plus, I guess I feel kinda bad or wrong or something, because I haven't stopped anything I've gone through from happening...it seems like I just let it keep going, and I feel like I'm the odd one out because noone else I know has these problems...... :(

Yea and this is fuckin great.....its 11:00 and my dad's bitching at me to get off the computer and go to bed, so I guess this is the end.....i really dont like him. He is a horrible person. If it had been possible, I would have rather never been born than had to deal with this....to have to let other people see this...to feel pitied....damnit

goodnight

:: 2004 13 August :: 12.37 am

Yea......so, I haven't really had time to get on here and write in the past few days, so I've been ACTUALLY writing. Like in a journal...and for some reason its much more emotional and psychoanalytical than this journal, so I figured I put some of that in here to hopefully focus on putting more of that and less of my day-to-day events.
So here's a bunch of random, sporadic, bulleted stuff:

-I feel like my life is falling down around me. I'm stuck in a corner and I can't find a way out. I don't ever want to turn out like my parents! EVER! No kid should ever have to go through all the crap I've been force fed. I don't want my kids to not like me....

-I think my life is coming to a few crossroads right now. One of the ones I'm putting alot of thought into is sacrificing theater for work. It's the logical choice, with grades and Band and taxi duty factoring in. So I suppose it's officially out, which saddens me, but it gives me alot more time to work with. I hope mine and Ben's relationship doesn't suffer due to school and work. It's going to be interesting trying to balance everything out. I think we can make it though. This is peanuts compared to some of the crap we've lived through.

-I suppose I'm trying hard to stay positive this year. With the insane chaos in my family, it's important for me to keep the rest of my life as nice as possible. It gives me somewhere to escape to.

-I kinda spazzed out today when there really was no reason to. I had the morning off and kinda wanted to spend time with Ben, but it all went chaotic and we both thought the one was sick of the other, when really we just are both retarded. Oh well. I did do a good bit of crying. It was probably good for me, because I havent cried in a good long time. But it was because i thought Ben was sick of me, which is stupid. And I'm PMS'ing so it was tears-STREAMING-down-the-face-loud-hiccuping-sobs crying. Very hot indeed. I think I need to grow some more balls. I don't know why I keep wanting to question his love. I guess it could be because everyone keeps saying we 'fit' but I just can't harness the idea that love can be as strong and as pure as ours is. Plus everyone else's love lives, especially my parent's, is in shambles. Then again, I've always been out of sync with everyone when it comes to emotion. But such is life. There are bigger things to cry over......things that are actually bad....not just bad in my head. :D

That last one was quite long, but oh well. Deal with it, you could have stopped at any time. Lalalalala. So I MIGHT get the chance to spend the night with Ben. That would be so sweet. Better than Prom night because there wouldn't be any people around (ie, Bryan), and it wouldn't be so hyped up. Just a night.

:: 2004 9 August :: 12.15 am
:: Mood: frustrated

Argh....I'm horrible at remembering stuff!!! Except for birthdays and phone numbers. But when it comes to a pill at a certain time....no....and it makes everything stressful when it shouldn't be. Damnit.

Anyway, the guard competition was last night. That was awesome. Except for Bret Huffar. He's a scary scary kid. We didn't actually place in anything...but the competition was more speed-based than skill-based....and the truth is, while we rock at skill level, we've never been very fast. But it's ok. It was awesome....and a bunch of fun.

Oooooh...........I got a job waitressing at Chef Peter's!! I have to go in for training tomorrow morning! I'm so excited. I bet tips are gonna rock, cuz that place is small, but really nice.

Yea, that's about all on the updates side of things....actually thats about everything.....i need to start taking my pill on time....thats definitely a problem....but other than that all is well im my little corner of the world....night :-D

:: 2004 4 August :: 11.47 pm
:: Mood: cranky

Argh...I really need to get some new friends...okay not really. I guess I'm just not a super social person all the time...which of course is obviously a bad thing.

I had to take my brother into Crystal Lake tonight, so i figured it'd be fun to stop by and see Ben. Then i figured it would be fun to have Allix come with me so I wouldn't get bored driving. Yea, big mistake, because Joseph ended up showing up at the ice house too. When they're together, it just kinda ruins my day. I don't want to look at them because God knows what I'll see. eww

So nothing's really wrong, but my night was kinda ruined by them. I'm glad me and Ben aren't like that in public. I'm not opposed to hugs and little kisses every once in awhile, but all over each other is absolutely rude and disgusting...and it makes everyone else uncomfortable.

I wish I was allowed to be in a quiet mood sometimes. I just like to listen more than i like to talk. But whenever I'm quiet, everyone jumps on my case and bugs me until i get bitchy...which I don't want to do, it's just that it gets frustrating hearing "what's wrong?" every minute....grr.

Ben amuses me though, because he's to the point where he can almost always tell when something's wrong. Allix can't do it much anymore, mainly because I don't look her in the eyes....bwahahahah. Hmm...speaking of Ben, he looked really good tonight. I don't know what it was. It wasn't an "ohmygod i want you now" kinda thing, more of an intriguing awe. His face looked really defined (this guy's got killer cheekbones and jawline :D), his eyes looked distant but bright, and his body looked really fit. He just looked really really GOOD. I felt like I was seeing him for the first time, really taking him in. It was awesome.....and I'm a lucky girl ;-)

night night

:: 2004 31 July :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: worried

argh
Yea so the short version ~ I feel like shit, Ben feels like shit, and Ben's parents found out we're having sex. Quite a day.

I was totally looking forward to today too. I had the WHOLE day off, as in I didn't have to go to the pool AT ALL. I think that's a first all summer. Honestly. So, noone was home all day except my brother, so me and Ben were gonna swing by Mike's (he's in Hawaii) and go swimmin for awhile. Yea, wouldn't perfect planning be fun! He said he'd call me at 11, but I finally called him at noon.

He wasn't feeling too good, and he said he had to talk to me in person. I knew it was bad, but I figured he was gonna dump me or something. I was terrified. I think I love that kid too much. If he ever does dump me, I don't know what I'll do. But I'm hoping that won't happen for a very long if ever, time.

So, he picked me up at about 2, and proceeded to tell me how his mom had found a condom wrapper and so on and so forth. So he got bitched at majorly about responsibility and everything. This makes me feel absolutely horrible, because I'm a part of it too, and so far they haven't yelled at me.

We got to mike's and just kinda chilled out the whole day. There was finally a lot of talking (about an hour and a half) from Ben on EVERYTHING. It was awesome. I've been wanting to hear him talk for awhile now. We're both used to being the listener, not the talker. He broke me of that, and I finally got him to open up to me. It was really cool. I can't even describe it really. And I'm hoping he'll keep talking. I learned more about in him in that hour or so than I learned in the 2 years I've known him. Plus, it's never good to keep all of that bottled up inside.

Maybe 2 hours before he took me home, he got a crazy fever again. He was shaking and boiling to the touch. I did everything I could to try and help him feel better....he kept thanking me, which I didn't really care for. I don't want him to feel like he's a chore to me. I enjoyed taking care of him today. It was kinda nice, and plus, he's not an asshole when he's sick. I like showing him I care.

So, it's been a long day...I didn't get to go swimming but, you know what? I got to spend the whole day with Ben, and even though he was sick for a good amount of time, talking with him and being with him today definitely made my day. I loved every second of it.

night !

:: 2004 28 July :: 11.28 pm
:: Mood: i dont feel good

:-\
Ugh.....I hate being sick...more than ANYTHING else in the world. I get irresitibly restless and I go absolutely crazy. I'm one of the most restless people i know, and being stuck in my house "resting" all day is awful! However, I still feel like shit, but i get to work tomorrow. :D

Ben brought me a milkshake tonight. That was the sweetest thing. I don't think he realizes how much I love the little things. And I'm trying to be just as sweet as him. It's hard though. He's just so cute. All he has to do is smile at me and it absolutely makes my day.

He's sick too. I want to do something sweet for him, but I don't know what to do. I'm kinda scared of his mom, even though he tells me not to be. I want to make him feel like the most loved man in the world. He deserves it, but I don't really know how to show it all.

Argh...I hate sickness.....but I love milkshakes :D

Ooooooh the guard competition is next Saturday. That is gonna be SOOO much fun!! I can't wait! It will test every last skill I've learned in the past two years, under the most stressful situations! It rocks!

Hmmmmm anyone got any clues what to do for Ben? Well, actually I've got a couple little things, but most of them are warded off by my wariness of his mom......I guess I'll figure it out. Night night!

:: 2004 26 July :: 10.57 pm
:: Mood: peaceful

:( Ben is sleeping because he doesn't feel well. I hope he's okay. He's such a sweetheart.

I went over there today, and his mom ended up coming home really early. (She doesn't like it if I'm over and noone's home) She was already angry at him to begin with, and I think me being over there made it worse. I don't know if he got yelled at though. I really hope he didn't. He's just SO good and sweet and loving....he doesn't deserve to be yelled at...ever. He told me not to worry about it, but it's what i do. I just fully believe that he deserves the best of everything.....

I haven't written in awhile. Or maybe i have....who knows. I don't remember when I wrote last. School starts in a month and a day. I thought about and i think it's a good thing. true it sucks because I won't get to see Ben HALF as much....but I'll be able to get out of my house ALL day long, 5 days a week. I think this year is going to be very very hard for me....I can just feel it. But I think I'll get through it.

The pool is being very illegal. There's a bunch of rules about overtime and money and stuff for seasonal jobs, and basically, we're getting screwed out of a shitload of money. But you know what's funniest? We all keep coming back, and we know it's going on. We love it too much. The fun is boundless.

yea so im tired. I need to go to bed early. Goodnight...... :D

:: 2004 21 July :: 11.26 pm
:: Mood: blah

I AM SO TIRED! Ok, I suppose I shouldn't complain because I'm still awake and I could be sleeping early. Anyways...Only had to work for like 3 hours today! YAY! Of course that means less money, but I was over hours anyway. And I only have to work 6 hours tomorrow...of course those 6 hours start at 730 in the morning, but hey, thats peachy!

K, not really, I'm the crankiest morning person for the most part. Well sometimes...

Hmmm....got my senior pictures and I actually like a couple of them.....thats CRAZILY surprising...I am the most picky person I know. But there's one I love and one i dont mind. :D

Oooohhhh and I got the invitation to Erin's wedding! I'm so excited!!!! I don't know why. I guess I'm just a sap and I kinda look up to Air so seeing her marry the goofball she absolutely loves is kinda awesome. Josh is cool.....that's her fiancee by the way. And Ben said he'd come with me. That makes me happy.....but I told him I'd wear a cute little dress....that was before i remembered that the wedding was in september.

Speaking of Ben, yesterday was our 7 month anniversary....which ya know what, in the long run isn't that long, but it's the longest solid relationship I've ever been in, so it counts. It counts alot actually. It's kinda funny because today I was thinking about how long 7 months actually is, and it hasn't felt like that long. Which is cool. And I kinda hope we stick together for a good long time. In all actuality, a future with him wouldnt be that bad......not that bad at all! :D

Seriously, me and Allix spent like 6 hours two nights ago (during which we DEFINITELY should have been sleeping)(guarding at 730 for 5 hours on 2 hours of sleep really sucks) talking about Ben and me versus her and Joseph versus everything we could think of. We agreed that her and Joseph won't be a forever thing because they love each other, but they don't have much more than that. And they don't really have the ability to compromise. But then we agreed that me and Ben....just work. I don't know how or why, but I love it. We're friends and we have been, through everything. And I don't want to sound all lovey dovey psychotic, but I can see me and him together...he'd make a cute old man! But I don't like talking about it too much. I think if you do, you'll get so caught up in the future that youll forget the present.....and without the present there is no future.

Oh and my mom is all like "I don't want to dash your hopes and I know you love Ben, and so do I, but just wait till you get to college....theres going to be a whole bunch of great guys"

My response.... I may meet some very hot guys, but I've the greatest all-around HOT guy I could ever dream up. And he's not an Abercrombie boy! :D

And with that I say goodnight!!!!! :D

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2004 17 July :: 11.35 pm

:'(

:: 2004 14 July :: 12.18 am
:: Mood: really really crappy/crying...

damnit
You know, just when I think things can't get any worse....they do. My band director, Mr. K, is leaving to go to mundelein. He told us this in the last 10 minutes of our last practice with him. I'm happy for him...but this sucks...so much. There was alot of crying tonight. Especially when he called us to attention for the last time. I cried..I'll admit it. That crazy midget nazi got me to join band again.....made us absolutely amazing....and now he's leaving. And for as much shit that everyone said about him, he is an awesome guy and an outstanding band director......and I'm really going to miss him....I don't even know what to do.....or think.....I don't want to play. :'(

back to my sporadic fits of sobbing........

:: 2004 12 July :: 10.37 pm
:: Mood: crappy

GODDAMNIT...I HATE MY COMPUTER.....

I just typed out about 2 pages worth of stuff and it got deleted.

Alright so....starting over.....
I've been feeling really depressed lately. Every little thing seems to be getting to me. Well, one thing isn't so little, but I have to just let it roll off my back. My dad keeps saying he wants to kill himself and that he wishes he were dead. Yesterday he literally said "why don't i just blow my f*cking brains out?" Now I don't know about the rest of you folks, but hearing that from my father is unsettling. It's one of those things you're just never supposed to hear your parents say. Try and let that roll off your back. It's kinda hard....really hard.

My brother just got back from a weeklong vacation with my aunt. I figured this would mean I would get help with chores and stuff, but no, he just sits around and watches tv. And then I'm supposed to do shit like take him to video town to get a game to play.

I found my kitty, Maverick. He got lost about a week ago. I thought he was dead. He's such a little sweetheart. And the other cats beat him up outside. So he gets to stay inside now, to get fat and old in peace. Yay. Hmmm...little known fact: I don't think Ben knows this, but Maverick is actually named after (if i remember right) one of Ben's characters from a RPG he was in. It's a wicked cool cat's name....and yes, I am weird.

Ben....i am SOOOOOOO happy he's home. But I feel like I don't what to say to him or how to talk to him, which is stupid. I was with him for a few hours today, and while at times everything was hysterical and awesome, at other times i felt almost AWKWARD with him. Which isn't how I am at all. Things with him are ANYTHING BUT awkward. I don't know whats wrong, but i hate it i hate it i hate it.

So, I'm depressed and I don't know why and I don't like it. And I have no clue what to do about it. I don't want to bug other people about it though. I hate doing that more than anything. Most of them never seem to listen or care anyway. Argh....noone seems to get how frustrating and upsetting to be depressed, to know that you're depressed, and to not know how to fix it. Oh well. I guess I'll just keep writing the next couple days and try to figure out what's wrong with me. Hmmm well this was the short version....damn computer.

meow.

:: 2004 12 July :: 12.00 am
:: Mood: sleepy

Yay.....Ben's home.

Yay....We're getting rid of 7 puppies.

Yay....I'm over 80 hours at the pool.

Yay....I don't have to work tomorrow.

Yay....I found lyrics to my song.

Yay....I worked 11 hours today.

Yay....yay.

:: 2004 11 July :: 12.21 am
:: Mood: bored

It's amazing how much you can miss someone...

Ok, so maybe I'm not sitting around sobbing my eyes out. I mean, Ben's only been gone for 5 days i think. It's pathetic. But it's like one of my best friends is gone...not just my boyfriend. It amuses me actually...good god im strange. But it does....he's become one of my best friends. Which is a neat thing. :D
I'm such a girl. I bet anything he hasn't though much of me this week. He's probably (hopefully) having too much fun with Mike to worry about me. I really hope the two of them have gotten a good chance to kick back and enjoy the show this week......

Anyway.....enough of psychobabble. My brother got married today...well my "half-brother"....Brian. He rocks. No joke. He's old enough to be my father, but because he's the brother, I can look up to him and not get yelled at for much. (much) older siblings are awesome.

Roar.

:: 2004 7 July :: 12.36 am
:: Mood: content

my mood bounces around alot...two days ago, i was completely spazztastic, but tonight im the calmer person that i feel i truly am...introspective and constantly thinking.

Alright, I don't really want to be one of those perfect little abercrombie girls....it would be nice to be chased after once or twice on looks....but oh well such is life. Plus, I have an amazing boyfriend...and although i get pissy with him, i think it's mainly myself just attacking him like i do EVERYONE else. He's just strong enough to stand it.

So I'm just cranky alot. But I think I figured out what bugs me sometimes with Ben. He usually knows what I'm thinking. But I almost never know what he's thinking. And, unlike Joseph, I haven't known him for 8 years.....i can't read him that easily. Argh. He can be as closed up as me. I'm not used to it.

:( Ben's going to Cali for a week. They're moving all of Mike's stuff back home. He's staying for good now. That's pretty neat...he still makes me a bit nervous, but hopefully I'll get used to him. He's another tricky person to read. I'm gonna miss Benji...and unlike what everyone else believes, not for the sex. I'm gonna miss the crazy side of us when we're goofin around. But he let me take his hat. Not his "i wear this hat everyday, it never leaves my head" hat, but his baseball hat. And it does smell like him.....I didn't smell it before, but it does....i love it!

Work is insane. The pool is rapidly going downhill...but it's a damn fun ride. Currently, we are under the belief that there is a gas leak/electrical problem in the office, causing the room to smell of burning plastic... :D Kathy yelled at us for calling the fire department. We thought we were going to die...

Me and Megan walked up and I noticed the smell. All of the guards searched for the source of the smell, but we couldn't figure it out. When we called Kathy she put us on hold for 10 minutes, then told us to call her back in half an hour....so we called numerous parents who told us to get our butts out of the office and call the fire dept. So we did...we didn't want to explode. So then Kathy decides to stop by anyway and bitch us out for calling them. ARGH!!! Honestly, what would you have done? Jesus, I think that woman wants us all dead sometimes. After the guy from the fire dept. left, she was all like "Oh, there may be a meltdown in the wall somewhere. I'll get a ladder and go up there.." Damn her. However, I haven't heard any explosions yet, and I live like 2 minutes away, so hopefully all is well. Still. Damn her.

MEOW! Laalalalalalala. I had a bazillion thoughts running through my head earlier, but now they have all up and disappeared. Oh well. I suppose this is the end for now. Goodnight.

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2004 6 July :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: uncertain

surrounded and deserted...
argh...I have ugly fat friend syndrome...

Ok, so maybe it's not all THAT bad, but argh. I have an incredibly awesome boyfriend, who I think is getting fed up with me, and I'm jealous of EVERYONE always wanting my friends. ALWAYS!!

Yea, that's right, I'll actually admit that I'm jealous. For as long as I've known her, Allix has always been the pretty one. The perfectly cute, always clean cut, absolutely adorable Allix. Everyone always tells me "oh she's hot", "allix is hot", "allix is so gorgeous"...and I have no problem agreeing because it's true....and you know what, I can't be THAT ugly because I've had at least one person tell me I was beautiful.........but I just kinda would like to know what it's like to be WANTED. To have everyone around you think you're pretty...to be one of those girls at the mall that walks past a group of guys who are basically drooling...

I just got the most inspiring quote from Megan's buddy info.....

"Life's short. Kiss slowly, love deeply, and forgive quickly. Forget the past, but remember what it taught you."

I think I may be too analytical in mine and Ben's relationship. It's just that I watch all of the trouble and pain around me....and I don't want it. It feels like my heart is CONSTANTLY being pulled in 20 directions. And it's not over whether I love him or not....I definitely love him...(maybe too much????.....)....i think it's just over the love in general....or if he loves me. But I know (or i hope i know) that he does. I think I'm really just spazzing out about the uncertainty in my heart. Am I being too lovey-dovey? Am I being paranoid? Am I doing something wrong? Am I annoying him? There's so much that I don't know. So many things I've never had to deal with before.

ARGH...You think I'd grow into this and get comfy...sometimes I am. However, most the time, I'm left on my own to think. None of my friends really teaches me anything....I always feel like I'm shooting in the dark. I just love him. And I know that love isn't always enough. But friendship is. And he's become one of my best friends.

Guys are too confusing.

:: 2004 27 June :: 11.47 pm
:: Mood: empty

Good God, where do I start? I could go to my last entry and just start wherever I left off, but that would take effort. Plus, I'm really in the mood to complain about this evenings events. So if you don't want to hear me bitch, skip this entry....

Today was supposed to go just right. I was going to go to Ben's and spend the night....just chill out, watch movies, and relax. His brother was in Michigan so we were using his house. Allix and Joe were gonna come too. Therein lies the first flaw. Allix never even asked her mom about tonight.
So now Al can't go, but I'm still truckin along, bringing it up slowly and trickily to get over there (this took more work than I think I've ever done before). I had to do it just right or it would have gone down the drain. So finally I get a reluctant yes from both parents last night.
Today I left the house with a tent to "camp out", a sleeping bag, a pillow and a bag of clothes. I told my mom to tell my dad I'd be home at about 10 tomorrow morning. I didn't plan on stopping home after work before heading over there.
Well, my dad calls me (I got off early and Ben was in McHenry) because he thought I was stopping home. That's apparently what my MOM told him. So now he's pissed. And he didn't know Allix wasn't going. Even more pissed. And then I get home. He says he doesn't want me to go, but leaves the decision up to me. Basically if I say yes, I'm never going to see Ben again and my father would call the cops and hunt me down.

No...Im not joking. I am completely serious. My father once went out of his way 20 minutes to make sure I was at a lifeguard training and not by Ben's. After the fucker had called me at the pool I was in. Just to be sure.

So now I'm stuck at home, doing EXACTLY what I knew would happen. NOTHING. But I need to spend more time at home. Doing nothing.

I spent my ENTIRE day looking forward to this...I was hoping to get off early to go there earlier but as it ended up he wasn't finished at fife's anyway.
I had planned on getting there, taking a shower and chilling out....
But then since he wasn't home, I went by Allix's. I took a shower, put on some cute underwear, Allix dolled me up a bit (hair and makeup...not anything super but i look hot) and I put on this cute little tee with swishy pants. I usually hate how I look....but I looked fuckin hot. I was so excited...you can't even begin to believe it.
But now I'm sitting at the computer with tears running down my cheeks every few minutes...

I feel like I let Ben down. He's SOOO patient and great, and I couldn't even get him this ONE night......and I tried SO hard...I did everything I could...but it wasn't good enough...I don't know how to thank him or repay him or show him how much I care. I just feel this overwhelming sadness...I hate letting him down...I HATE IT...and he just keeps comforting me....i feel sooo bad. So so so bad. good night

:: 2004 18 June :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: blah

Work is insane...but awesome. I have to work 11 hours tomorrow morning...argh!!! I think I may just die instead. :D Na, I can't complain. The people rock and the pay isn't too bad. Plus if you were to spontaneously have a heart attack, I could save you! :D

Ben's birthday is Monday!! and our 6-month anniversary is sunday! Time really flies sometimes. It feels like it's only been a month or two. I haven't gotten his big present yet. There could be a bit of a holdup. He doesn't want it anyway. He hates getting stuff, but I love giving people stuff. I suppose this could be the one time I splurge on him; wait, no, one of these days, even if it takes me 10 years, I want to get him a first addition spiderman. That would be awesome. He'd hate me for it, but he'd love me too. bwahahaha....it's a double edged sword...i love it!

Actually, I've been complaining about things with Ben alot lately. And not in a bad way. It's more of a "he's discovering everything i never wanted anyone to know about me" way. :D But i'm not really too bugged by it all...I let him down today. I don't know how much it honestly bugs him, but it REALLY bugs me. And I think it bugged him alot too...I didn't mean to do it, though. I hate that I did it. And he won't let me apologize for it. He keeps saying it was fine, but I know it's not...it was stupid of me to not think...i let him be sorry. I wish he'd let me. Even if he didn't want to forgive me. Just to know that I'm sorry.

I guess you could say we're moving out of what Marie called the "honeymoon phase", basically the phase of a relationship where everything is coming up roses, and youre learning about each other. You think the other one is absolutely perfect. We know better now and I like it. It makes me feel closer to him to know that he's not perfect either. I'm weird.

We are SOOO getting sex-crazy. I don't want that. It's just SO hard to avoid or stay away from. He's really hot!...heehee. And he knows all the right things to do, as do I. We encourage each other without even realizing it. I want one day where I can spend a few hours with him and not do much more than pure making out. Hmmmm....that's something we haven't actually done in awhile..just made out. Usually it's on the way to other things, but never just making out for the sake of it.

Allix embarrassed the shit out of me today in the car with Ben on the way to Crystal Lake. It wasn't really bad though, just a little awkward for me, and probably for him as well. She kept going on about what a mess I was with him. How it started with a crazy little crush and grew, and then he broke my heart, and I was horribly broken for months, and then how he fixed it all up. It kind of amused me, but I hate that he knows how obsessed I was over him. It makes me feel too needy. Argh.

After Allix thouroughly had explained my craziness, Ben said he was sorry for hurting me in the past. But I asked him that if he could go back would he have changed it?... He didn't really answer me, but I hope the answer would have been no. Everything happens for a reason, and if he hadn't gotten back together with Nicole, I don't think we would be together today. I kinda wish I knew his answer, but that's all up to him.

I realized that relationships are all about learning and growing and compromising. One example would be the yelling and flipping out thing. I should learn to accept the fact that he is going to get upset sometimes and may yell and I shouldn't flip out....and he hopefully will take my flipping out into consideration and try not to yell as much. By that, we learn to work together....shit, I sound like a psychiatrist. Ick.

Me and Allix are supposed to "camp out" with Ben and Joseph at Nick's house 2 weeks from now, and I'm really hoping it will work. I don't know though. My dad proposed that I should have a 'signout sheet' - when I leave the house I have to signout and put where im going and when ill get back. Thats shit. But anyway, Allix isn't sure if she even wants to now, and I don't know what to do. I know Ben is hoping for the whole week together, but I don't think there's any way I could get that. And if Allix doesn't feel like going, then I dunno if I'll even be able to do it. Argh. I guess we'll see what happens.

Ok, this is hideously long. If you finished this, go get a cookie, you need it! Good night.

:: 2004 16 June :: 10.45 pm
:: Mood: discontent

argh...im a disaster and a half.

Me and Ben have had the most amazing sex the past few days....we planned on saving it for "special occasions", but there have been a few this couple of days...That doesn't make me a disaster...that makes me happy. Sometimes I worry that we're going to become sex-crazed fools, and that that will rip us apart slowly, but I don't know what to do about it. Ben always soothes my fears though.

I met Ben, Joseph, Marie, Rachel, Matt, Justin, Bradley, Mallory, Megan, and Ashley in Crystal Lake this evening. Well, first I met up with Ben and Joseph, then Marie and Rachel came, and then we all went to Matt's and caught up with the rest. I rode over to Matt's house with Ben (Joseph took my car) and he was kinda upset about the fact that he didnt really know anyone and Joseph and Marie dont know how to drive with people behind them...which was completely understandable....i would have been worse.

We were talking on the way over there and then I don't know what happened but I flipped out a bit. I think he yelled or just got loud, but I got scared and kina pushed myself into the corner of the car. I don't know why I did it, but I hate myself for it. He looked like he was going to cry. I felt stupid too....I know he would never hurt me...ever. But I still shrunk back like he was going to keep yelling or hit me or something.

GODDAMNIT.....

WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP????!!!!!!! WHY DID I FREAK OUT WHEN ALL HE DID WAS RAISE HIS VOICE??! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?! I flip out if someone acts like they're gonna hit me, I hate yelling, and I'm gunshy to sharp loud noise.... WHY?!! He put his hand on my leg (to comfort me) and it scared me....I was afraid of the man I'm in love with only because he raised his voice!!

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE AFRAID TO BE HIMSELF AROUND ME......GODDAMNIT IM HOLDING HIM DOWN....

I hate myself for being this weak and stupid.....I HATE IT.
IM SORRY!!!!! SORRY I WAS BORN....SORRY I HAVE THE PARENTS I DO.....SORRY I EVER BROUGHT BEN INTO MY LIFE....ALL I'VE DONE IS MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR HIS LIFE.....IM SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY....I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.....BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS.........................i dont want to hurt him.....maybe i should scare him away...i want him to be happy...even more than i want myself to be....i cant fix myself...i dont know how.

:: 2004 15 June :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: depressed

did you ever have a day where you feel like giving up the fight??

Florida was fun. Alot of fun actually. I saw Nick & Kim there....they looked like they were havin fun. Im convinced Hell is on Earth...it is disguised as Disney World. Very hot, with a bunch of crazy whiny children running amok. It fits. But it was interesting...there was a whole bunch of platonic flirting going on between everyone, but that happens on every band trip, between everyone, attached or not. It never means anything....just fun to do.

My family is disastrous and I despise them. Well just my parents and my brother.

There's this family that comes to the pool all the time, the only kid's name i know is cole....he's the oldest and he has a younger sister and brother who are twins. They seem so perfect. Theyre all gorgeous, and the love is everywhere about them. The parents play with their kids and throw them around and have fun. It's our (me n Allix) little dream family..... loving father and mother, with three kids......... That seems so far from reality though because the family I grew up in isn't like that at all.

Usually most of the shit I have to deal with at home, I try to avoid showing the pain from it....and i try to let it just roll off my back....but it's getting harder....
I absolutely despise it because I don't want to drag ben into all of my problems....I try to keep him separated from all of it, but it all blends together and i hate that he sees me weak. I can't stand it....i know hes not perfect but I dont like him seeing all of my imperfections....im afraid one day he's going to run away.

And i guess the worst part is that i can see him being a GREAT husband and an AWESOME father....and id love to stick around and be the lucky woman he chooses...i dont think he realizes what an amazing man he truly is...

my eyes are sick of crying....the past two days have felt like a continuous flow of tears...

sorry im complaining too much.....again....ill just stop now.... good night

oh by the way...the pool is awesome....except i have like 20 different tan lines.....

oh and the Greatest Teacher Ever died today...very unexpectedly.....Mr. Joe Warrner....he was awesome...told the cheesiest jokes, but taught the best Calculus ever. And loved Donald in Mathmagicland...........
goodnight

:: 2004 2 June :: 11.08 pm
:: Mood: chipper

lalalala
I'm REALLY nervous about Ben's brothers wedding....I know its dumb and I dont want him to be paranoid about it. It just kinda freaks me out that he's not gonna be right by my side as a sort of security...I'm gonna be surrounded by people i dont really know (besides steph and joe). Oh well. Life goes on i guess.

Band leaves for Florida Monday!!! Woohoo! I can't wait. I love those trips. They're crazily long and tiring, but theyre always fun. However, I dunno if things are gonna be different with K. This could be interesting.

Pool season is starting.....kinda....its been so crappy out here that we haven't gotten much done. We didnt even have training today. Oh well.

Hmmmmm Im going to see the Harry Potter premiere at midnight tomorrow night. That should be fun.

Wow, this is such a lively entry. Sorry to be so mind-numbingly boring.....

night..... :-D

:: 2004 31 May :: 11.03 pm
:: Mood: cranky

life is a crazy rollercoaster
Wow, this weekend was interesting.... :D I lost my virginity to Benji... :D The first time was kinda spazzy though, because there's so much stress and worry and anxiousness and everything behind it that you can't really relax and enjoy it. However, the second time around was alot more fun and I've pretty much satisfied my urge for that for a bit at least. It's hot and sweet, but there are alot hotter things to do.... oh well, maybe im insane.

He was kinda cranky tonight, but he's sick. I wish he would kick back and get some rest so he gets better. He can be SOOO stubborn sometimes....but then again so can i so i guess i can't be a hypocrite...

lifeguarding starts this weekend! yay!!! yea....i just lost all urge to write...damn...hehehe...we have to give some of our equipment back to the rescue squad (we've used it for a few years) so now Kathy has to buy thousands of dollars of stuff.....however, i suppose its not that funny because now im guessing we won't be getting quite the big raises we were hoping for.

Oh, yea, tonight was interesting. Me and Allix met up with josesph and Ben in crystal lake. Eventually we ended up back at joe's where allix and joe preceded to lock me and ben out of joseph's room and have sex. Ah, goodie.....well, at least this time i wasn't alone....oh and i have to give major kudos to ben for being a sweetheart even though he was sick and i was bitchy....i don't deserve his insane compassion!!!! but i love every second of it!

Night!! :D

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