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:: 2006 16 July :: 11.23 pm

Whoa....this is the longest I haven't written in quite some time! lol....oh well....the day after my last entry, i woke up sick as a dog, so i stayed home and basically slept all day. Thurs, I was on my way to work, called my sister to see if i should go to the house or office, was told I sounded like shit and to go back and rest more. Friday...my care broke...so STILL no work!!! GAH! But now it's sunday and there will most definitely be work tomorrow!

Hahahha, good weekend! Went out with kel last night to eat, shop, and then we went out to woodstock and drank/smoked a little....i still haven't gotten high though....but I talked with Eric and Ben (a friend from nmu) and Eric said you usually don't get high the first few times (he's only done it himself a handful of times) and Ben basically just told me I sucked and needed to practice more lol (ben is a bonafide stoner...lol). But I don't want to make this a habit....maybe once in a great while...if it ever fricken affects me........lol...i'm NOT gonna be a little hippie! (even though like half of NMU's population is!!) (which is why I have like 23 people who fully intend to get me ripped once school starts).....

Pretty much everyone disproves of me doing it....except for those who have done it already or do it currently (with the exception of brooke). And I'm glad for their opinions...but I don't think it's going to change my thoughts very much. I don't know...we'll see.

Had a good talk with ben tonight (well i'm still having it actually lol)...i think we actually be able to have a friendship...which makes me happy! :-)

Talked with Eric a bit tonight too....it's cute when he calls before bed...i love his 'sleepy voice'....hahaha. Things are still crazy in my heart on that one....i care about him so so much....and i think i can be just his friend, but it will be difficult at first. But if that's the way it's going to be, then so be it. I love his friendship, and i would never want to lose that. And I'm sure I'll bounce around alot on it in the coming weeks....he's helping me move in, so I'm hoping that that will give me a chance to feel him out and see how it's gonna be???

Ooooo and went shopping today with jill for college stuff...it was SOOO much fun and so cute!!!!!!! hahaha...and she's seein this guy right now (kinda just a summer fling cuz she doesn't want to start anything serious before college).....she's SOOOOO head over heels about it!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHh so cute!

Alright...this kid needs mucho sleepo...so i'm off to bed!! more self-analyzation later i'm sure!

:: 2006 11 July :: 6.13 pm

SO the day hasn't turned out quite as nicely as i hoped. It's been raining all day, my throat is supersore, the weather is making me all stuffly, and i had to drive all day (which isn't bad except for that it was raining). Other than that, the day was alright. lol. Oh, the other crummy thing is that I don't think i'm going to go up to marquette again because Erin and Kari aren't going to be home that weekend :-( So that is SUPER sad, because it's still 6 weeks before school starts, and Erin is moving to Ann Arbor next weekend!!! :-( SOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. Makes me unhappy. But that just means I'll have to make a road trip out there. :-)

Other than that, not much is new...stuff with Eric is on my mind alot today....not making me TOO sad, but just thinking about everything. Sad that I won't get to be up there for his birthday at all. But maybe it's for the best....??? lol, who knows. I miss my girls already....like mad....driving me nuts. I can't wait to be back with them for good! :-)

Alright, i should proably go to class.....boo....lol...maybe i'll ditch halfway through again??? hahaha.

:: 2006 11 July :: 8.23 am

I feel like today is going to be a good day. I got to sleep in and I feel amazing this morning! Eric's birthday present came in yesterday!!!!! And I pretty much LOVE it....I just hope he will too. I'm gonna send it out next week, cuz I'd love for him to get it ON his birthday. :-) We talked yesterday online for a bit....and it was good....which could not make me happier....no stupidity! :-D Hahahahaha, apparently we ALL left something up at Brooke's....I left my black flipflops and a bra, Leah left her glasses in my car and a shirt at the house, Brooke left a pair of pants in the dryer.........we're not very good at remembering all our stuff :-( lol. My cats are being so silly this morning....they're all really playful. Hmmm this entry is a little random...but still, I think today is gonna be great....so I'm gonna head out and we'll see how my prediction goes! :-D

:: 2006 10 July :: 12.56 pm

Wow...so it was quite an interesting weekend.... :-) Some unexpected things, some things that could have been shitty that turned out great, and getting to see my 3 (well kinda 4) favorite girls in the entire world!

I don't know where to start...so I think I'm just gonna go in day-by-day order, because otherwise, its gonna be CRAZY jumbled!

Friday me and Marie got up there at about 1 and drove around Marquette for awhile so she could see all the stuff there is to do (drove over to presque and out to sugarloaf and such). At about 2, brooke called and said they were in town, so we headed to her place and unpacked while we all caught up and waited for brooke and leah (they got stuck in crazy traffic). After everyone had gotten in, unpacked, and caught up, we decided to go have a bonfire down at little presque (which i was stoked about because I had never been down there). That was the worst experience of my life....ever. We got attacked by swarms (literally i'm talking hundreds) of biting flies. Like 20 of them on each arm, 40 on your leg, a few on your face and a bunch in your hair. Scary as all fuck. So we jumped in the lake to escape them (fully clothed....this was the best part of the experience)...the water was WARM! Because it's kind of in a cove and its only about 7 feet deep, the water was INCREDIBLY nice...like we actually SWAM around in it! But eventually we got out. We ran to our stuff, and sprinted to the cars, screaming because we were covered in fucking flies. When we got to the cars, they were COVERED in flies.....no joke. Getting in the car involved letting probably 70 flies in with us....so we almost got in a car accident. I literally could not see where I was going because there were flies around my head. Scariest thing ever.....after we got back to brooke's, i sat on the futon and just like shook for probably 20 minutes. I honestly never ever ever want another fly to come near me...ever again. Noone is really going to ever believe how many flies there were either. :-( After that psycho ordeal, we decided we needed ice cream, so we headed to frosty treats and spent the evening at lower harbor and then the beach, looking up at the stars and talking late into the night. :-)

Saturday we got up fairly early and started making sandwiches. (btw....we went shopping when we all first got there too...only 60 dollars for ALL of us for the whole weekend!). We gathered up the bucket of cosmos which were now frozen, packed some beer and the sandwiches and headed to the beach. :-) We literally filled our little plastic martini glasses with cosmo, walked out to about knee high water and danced around in the lake. It was such a blast...we took leah's boombox out and put on girly music (there weren't a whole lot of people at the beach cuz it wasn't very sunny, which was nice). We ate, talked some more, and then headed back to the house after a few hours (it started downpouring!). When we got back, we watched 8 below (our fave movie!) and just chilled out before the CASA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which was SOOOO amazing! OMG....everytime i go, i get reminded of just how fricken amazing that food is...lol...and SOOO filling! We had so much fun, ordered girly virgin drinks and giggled the whole way through dinner. Then we headed out to presque for pictures and walking/talking. It was absolutely gorgeous out again, which made for some cute pictures. :-) (dang, this was a REALLY busy day...theres still tons more!) Ok, so we got back to the house eventually and just kinda chilled out in our cutesy clothes...eric finally called and said he was gonna head over. I talked with the girls (we'd discussed this alot already through the weekend) and decided i was gonna go meet him outside and talk with him before he got in the house with all of us.

I went out and met him as he walking up the street and the first thing i got was a 'hey, someone's looking GOOD tonight.' and a great big hug. But then i pulled back and told him i was irritated because I didn't really know what he was thinking and he'd seemed distant and everything I've been freaking out about. He told me that he hadn't wanted to talk about this during girls weekend, but that he just can't do a relationship right now. First I told him that this was actually the BEST time to talk about it because I could go bitch with the girls and be fine. :-P And then we just talked for awhile. He said that he has alot of shit going on in his life right now and he can't handle a relationship right now. And I thought for half a second that he could be bullshitting me, but then i looked into those eyes. I actually had to be the one to break our gaze, because the look in his eyes was so heartbroken, so stricken that it tore me apart. I didn't lie to him. He kept saying 'you hate me'...and I told him off....I told him that I didn't hate him at all, that I respected him for telling me, and that it did hurt. I told him though that he wasn't responding all how i wanted though as of late, told him i wanted a boy who hold my hand and kiss my cheek. (However, i must add that he killed me earlier in the conversation....we were talking and the wind blew my hair across my face, and he just gently reached up and brushed it aside and back behind ear. I managed to choke out an 'eric, you can't do that'...but that one hit me hard...because it was done with so much sweetness, just the simplest little gesture) There was more talking...but that's the basic gist of it. The details aren't important to anyone but me and him....it was a good talk and it ended well...he pulled me up into a great big hug and we walked into the house together.

Everyone knew what had basically happened though.....you could TOTALLY just TELL. All the girls were staring at me and trying to catch my eye, as we all tried to talk�but it was a little awkward�hahaha. And I eventually HAD to go downstairs, because not only were they trying to figure it all out, but his eyes were on me the whole time. Not like staring, but he kept looking at me, glancing at me. I went downstairs and changed, and leah followed me down and all of a sudden I just started basically DRIPPING tears. But I was cracking up the whole time�.I explained to her what had happened, wiped my tears away and went back upstairs�.oooo, showed eric the star earrings!!! I was so excited about them, and we joked that now he�s gonna find the original pair somewhere in his apartment (he actually joked for a minute that he�d really kept them and hidden them from me :-P). At this point, we started packing the cooler, because we were gonna head down to little Presque again and try that bonfire idea again (we hoped that since the sun was down, the crazy flies would go away). Right as we were heading out, Eric came back up to me and we talked for a minute or so as everyone was loading up into the cars�nothing serious, just some joking around. He pulled me into another one of those big hugs, and then we headed out�.but as he was leaving, he did the little side-touch thing that drives me crazy (just gently touches my side with his fingertips) and gave me that look�..I don�t even know how he does it, but it�s like a little squint that he always gives me when we say goodbye.

With that, we headed to the island. And the bonfire was AMAZING. Once we got it started, we all sat down and everyone asked what had happened. I told them, and we discussed it for awhile�.it was really comforting with all the support from them. We roasted marshmallows and drank MORE cosmo and beer�and the conservation officer came��. :-O He came up to us after talking to these two guys who had wandered over by us from a fire further down. Apparently we�re not allowed to have fires on the beach. He said he�d been watching us for a few hours��..but he NEVER asked us to open the cooler!!!!!! :-D He said he�d seen us toasting marshmallows and sitting around talking�and there is just NO way he didn�t see us dancing around with the martini glasses in our hands. However, the difference between us and the other fire he went and completely busted?? We weren�t throwing bottles or cans around. I think that was his biggest problem. He looked in our fire and didn�t see any cans (but there were a few buried under where he was standing (we buried them quick when we saw him coming!!!) and took them with us later). He was so nice to us�just told us we could stay as long as we didn�t add more wood to the fire, just to let it burn out�which we did (and watched the other kids get busted!!!). Stayed out there till probably 3 and then went home and we all just crashed.

Sunday morning Leah woke me up at about 9 and I was hit with one of the most painful crashing waves of sadness I�ve ever felt. Everything with Eric just really kinda sank in and I had to lay there and let it all get felt out and dissipate before I could even try to get up. However, we had an important goal for the morning!!!! BROOKES CAKE! It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo perfect! We went and got it, stalled her outside the house, snuck it in, lit it, and totally surprised her! She had NO clue. It could not have been more perfect! She absolutely adored it�her smile was HUGE!!! :-) We ate the cake and made some breakfast and then lounged around figuring out what to do since it was pouring. We ended up deciding that we were going to go hiking and then see Pirates of the Caribbean! :-) Got totally DRENCHED hiking�but it was SOOO much fun�the path was pretty sandy so we left our flipflops at the start of it and ran back when we were done! SO fun! We ended up missing the first movie time we were gonna catch, so we ran home and changed first (definitely a better idea anyways�we were SOAKED). The movie was SOOOOoo good�.I HATED the ending�.but I always hate when movies just END like that. We got out of the theater at about quarter to 6 (the movie started at 330)�.I looked and I had a missed call�.from Eric. This impressed me�I�d planned on calling him when I left Marquette, to just say that I hoped things wouldn�t be awkward or stupid between us, that we could keep the friendship we�d started. But he�d called first. I still decided to wait until I was headin out to talk to him, however, at about 6�he called again! Hahaha, I picked up the phone and gave him shit for being so persistent. And his reason for calling?? He just wanted to know how the rest of my weekend was going�..which made me 100% believe that he still cares�a lot�.but that he really can�t do it right now. So we kinda bs�ed for a few minutes (I didn�t tell him what I�d wanted to though because all the girls were in the car) and then hung up and us girls headed back, ate some tacos, and then me and Marie packed up and headed out. It was SUCH a sad goodbye though�.noone wanted to leave! :-( but�it�s only 6 more weeks now! Anyways�.so we said our sad goodbyes�.and me and Marie reluctantly put the car in drive. I ended up calling Eric right away because I wanted to tell him how much I loved that things weren�t going to be stupid and awkward between us. He told me he had no intentions of letting it get like that and that he loved talking with me just as much as I love talking with him. He even said he likes that fact that he can tell me stuff that he wouldn�t necessarily tell everyone else. Which I love�that we can trust each other that much and not make this incredibly awkward. He even ended up having me and Marie come over before we left, just for a few minutes�he got a new couch and Marie got to meet him a little bit better and see his apartment. After about 10 minutes of just chilling over there, we decided we should probably get going because it was already 730 mqt time! I got another tight warm hug and then we finally left.

The ride home was non-stop talking with Marie�a lot about Eric�who she pretty much loves. Even though she only got to meet him and talk with him a little bit�her first impression is an incredibly good one, and just listening to how he handled this weekend with me impressed her. Plus, she referred to him as a �pure soul��.not necessarily innocent�but GOOD. And I wholeheartedly can agree with that. We talked about the whole thing a lot. Me and Eric are basically still where we were, just take away all the physical stuff and erase a chance of a relationship for now. But we still have this great friendship. When I talk about him, someone always asks, �well hows the sex??� and I tell them that it�s absolutely amazing, but that�s not nearly my favorite part. It was just the added bonus. My favorite parts are all the OTHER things�.talking, hiking, READING�..all those little things we�ve done together that amaze me. And I have no doubt in my mind anymore that he really does care for me�seeing that look in his eyes told me everything that I�d freaked out about was true in a way�but it wasn�t because he didn�t care. He cares a ton�it showed in that little brushing away of my hair, in the three hugs I got within 24 hours, the two phone calls in 2 hours, just to see how the weekend was going. He just can�t do the whole �relationship� thing. Not now�for whatever reasons. And I respect that he cared enough to be straight with me and not lead me on about it.

At one point in the long drive�s conversation, I was telling her how Kelly had asked me if I thought I could fall in love with him�and I told her I felt I could EASILY fall for him�very easily. Marie stopped me�.and told me that somewhere deep deep down, she thinks I already do love him. And I told her that she�s right�.because she is. I don�t know when I felt it. But I kept it tucked away because it�s so soon. But Marie knew. And I told her that I�m going to keep it tucked away�not tell anyone else�because now is not the time for it. And for whatever reason, I recognized that when I felt it�and tucked that feeling deep away. It drove me nuts that she pinpointed it�but that�s Marie. And she gave me this opinion on it. She thinks we may get together someday for real�and that then I will let that feeling free and it will be great, because we seem to have some connection that is undeniable. But she also said that if we never do get around to anything more than a friendship, then that deep-seated love will form into something still incredibly strong�just a different kind of love. The love of a true friend. So I�m back where I started with Eric. And I couldn�t be more at peace with it, as strange as that may sound. I had my sadness�talked it out and after talking with him and realizing that I�m not losing the things I love the most about him, and that we ARE still keeping that friendship we�ve been building all summer, I am still happy. Irreversibly happy. Because he�s not my SOURCE of happiness�I�ve finally found that within myself. But with him, I am happy too�happy with the page we are on. :-)

Enough about Eric though�.oh my girls. Seeing them, being with them, letting them comfort me and help me when I needed it was��perfect. It was just what it was supposed to be. That closeness that hasn�t even faded a little tiny bit. That is still there in full force. Our love for each other was palpable basically�Marie could pick out our individual roles with each other, and got to watch as we reacted to each other and adjusted right back into our comfortable rhythm. It was amazing. Being with them just felt like coming home. Like my favorite warm blanket and a bunch of great music on the radio. And that fact that I am happy now with my life and where everything is made seeing them that much better. I�m not the sad one anymore. I�m the wild child as Marie called me, but we all play off each other so well. Brooke is the mom�.Leah�s the prep who�s not really like that at all, and Brooke is the lovable ditz (crystal is the dramatic whore� :-S). I couldn�t have been happier with them this weekend�even though things with Eric aren�t necessarily exactly what I wanted, I absolutely positively would not have changed a single thing about this weekend. I would keep it ALL the same. I missed those girls like I would miss the stars in the sky�.just not quite complete and as amazing to look at without stars. Swimming around in the lake, sitting out under the stars, running our fingers through each others hair�.I think the love we have for each other shows in everything we do, and I�m so glad this weekend turned out the way it did. I can�t wait to move back up and be with them again, even though it will be different this year. But I can handle different now. I�ve grown enough to be able to adapt�knowing that our friendships won�t fade just because we�re not all right next to each other anymore.

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love those girls!

<3

:: 2006 5 July :: 11.53 pm

holy shit. At the end of the summer, I'm literally going to be broke. LITERALLY. With how expensive my books are going to be and how many surprise bills/costs I've had this summer, I'm literally going to walk out of my several thousand dollar summer with nothing. I don't even know how this is possible. Well for one, gas is costing me near double what I had planned on. :-( Total for the summer, I'm making like $5100. 300 of that went into my car, 500 went towards my credit card, i had a 300 dollar phone bill, 125 room deposit, so far 180 in storage unit money, 60 dollar phone bill, 75 dollar lab book, 60 dollar oil change and air filter and all that shit. That adds up to 1600 dollars. Summer is half over. I still have approximately 140 dollars to pay in the next few phone bills, 150 on my credit card (textbooks were EXPENSIVE), 60 in storage unit, and supposedly about 1000 for my books next semester. That takes us to about 3000. I figured about 1000 for the summer for gas. Its turned into about 1500 dollars because gas prices are so high. That leaves me 500 dollars. Take away food and the clothes I bought....and I my friends, am BROKE. And there is not a fucking thing I can do about it.

So my magnificent job, which is fun and all, is really no more economical than any other job.....in fact, it's less so because of all the mileage i have wracked up on my car.

I'm irritated.

But MARQUETTE is in 28 hours.....which makes me basically ECSTATIC. As nervous as I am about it all going smoothly. I hope I get to see Eric. :-)

Night folks. sweetest dreams.

:: 2006 5 July :: 11.52 am

Argh...so I'm not the happiest of campers...but I'll get to that in a second.

Me and Kel didn't end up hittin the cosmos monday night....instead we went beer...lots and lots of beer...lol. We ended up drving out to David's, getting quite intoxicated, and then deciding we should all go out to this pond in Harvard (David had only had A beer...so we let him drive)....so me and Kelly actually convinced these 3 boys that we should all go swimming at 1 in the morning.....hahahahaha. It was SUCH a blast....definitely skinny dipping weather lol...and the water was SOOO nice! The ride back I wanted to destroy one of the boys...he seemed to think that all girls get easy when they get drunk...uh....not this one. He had his hand on my inner thigh (we all just had towels on since we were so wet...didn't want to get our clothes wet!)....i physically removed his hand, yelled at him, and basically told him he would find his nuts severely bruised by my elbow if he tried anything like that again. hahahha, he apologized and behaved for the rest of the night. :-D I'm certainly not going to stand for a sleazy boy trying to use me...I can stand up for myself. :-D
So that was definitely a blast....swimming was so much fun...and drunk swimming was even better....

The next day me and mom went out shopping...I got some new flipflops but that was about it (besides the massive amount of alcohol (triple sec, 2 liters of vodka, 'bucket 'o' cosmo', and margaritasicles)).....teehee.....we're pretty much not going to be sober the entire weekend.... :-) It was good to go out with her and just talk and shit...she cracks me up. She actually asked me straight up to compare ben and eric sex-wise. Lol....i told her more information than i think she EVER cared to know about THAT! hahahaha, it was definitely funny though....and Eric managed to call right when we were in the middle of the conversation of course....my mom said hi to him through her laughter at the irony of his timing. :-P
Then later that night me and Jill hung out....planned some of her college shit out (we're gonna go shopping in a couple of weeks to get some of the stuff on the lists we made :-D) and then we talked for way too many hours....hahaha....we both agreed i'd leave by 1030-11 because we both had to be up early....I was definitely there till like 115. :-D but it was a good talk. Mostly centered around college and guys of course. We bounced some pretty good advice off each other though....I got some more shit about Eric figured out in my head, and she got some stuff figured out just with guys in general. :-)

Ooooo now for the part I absolutely positively HATE....it looks like I may not get to see Eric (like for more than a few minutes) for the next 6 weeks. :-( There are 44 days left. Fuck ass. So this weekend, I'll HOPEFULLY get to see him, if they all come back up Saturday. But I won't really get to spend any time with him, because it's GIRLS weekend.....unless they decide he's worthy of drinking with us....which they might....the girls all love him (plus, they all know him and we all hung out together towards the end of the year). But chances are pretty slim that I'm going to get to spend any time with him. And even if he DOES hang out with us Sat or Sunday, I'll be trashed.....or fairly close to it...so thats just a whole different kind of hanging out...it's still a good time...but I want one more day at least where WE get to hang out and just enjoy each other...and I don't think I'm going to get that before I move back up. The next time I go up there is the weekend after his birthday. One of his friends shares his birthday...6 or so of his friends are making a road trip so they can all celebrate. A) I'm not staying there if there are going to be that many GUYS there, plus there is NO WAY I would intrude on that. B) I may go to the party for their birthdays, but that's going to be more trashed hanging out....and I can't honestly expect him to steal himself away with me when all his friends are up there. Even if he wanted to, I wouldn't let him. SO, basically this sucks. And I told him as much. I told him I was pissed off that I don't get to spend any time with him before school starts. He was really sad because he didn't think I was coming up again after this weekend. This will bring the total to 9 weeks of not really seeing him...arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm so irritated. And incredibly sad. :-( Plus, it basically means that I'm going make a decision about him based off these first two weekends I went up there, and phone conversations. And I'm starting to believe I already know my decision. Especially after talking with Jill last night. She pointed out alot of things about me and him and I hope she's right. Everytime i think of him, I just can't help but smile. Now it still feels insanely up in the air, because I was so looking forward to hanging out with him a little more, testing myself a little more, watching him a little more......I'm glad its girls weekend in 2 days....I definitely need advice on this one...and they know him well enough (especially brooke) to hopefully help me out...and they know ME well enough, and US well enough (as of right now, they're all about me nad him getting together....but i'm in need of some nitty gritty digging and thoughts...lol) I guess we'll see what happens. I swear, every weekend i go up there tests SOMETHING between us...this really is quite the shitty situation...but I think we're still doing ok. :-)

:: 2006 3 July :: 9.26 am

OMG....4 MORE DAYS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm SO excited! Oh, so Leah decided that on Saturday night, we're all getting dressed up and going to the Casa....and she told me specifically that i have to wear a hot little dress. So me and Marie (and Jill!!!) went shopping yesterday...and I got the HOTTEST little black dress!! I LOVE IT!!! It's SO adorable. And I got a little heart necklace that PERFECTLY matches my dangly heart earrings, and (A FIRST!), bought some hot little shoes that have a little kitten heel...I won't lie...I think I look pretty damn hot in it all. hahaha. I'm *secretly* hoping that Eric DOES come home Saturday now....cuz if I was him and I saw me in that dress....I'd be mighty tempted to take it off...LOL. :-D I'm nervous if Marie gets to meet him though!! haha, big surprise there....it just freaks me out, because if one of my friends hates him...then I'd be concerned. So far, I'm getting all thumbs up, so I hope that continues. Then again, with all the stuff we have planned this weekend, i really may not even get to see him. :-\ Which would be INCREDIBLY sad....but I'm too excited about seeing the girls to worry too much about that. I would just LOVE to see him Saturday night, if at all....I like showing him that not only do I kick ass at all the boyish stuff (jumping off cliffs, hiking, running around like crazy), but when I want to, I can at least pass for cute. :-) And he hasn't seen too much of that side of me....and since i'm fine-tuning it, I figure it's time to show it off just a little. :-)

Other than all the dress stuff, I also got two more of my lacy tank tops (because they're SO comfy and look so cute), a really cute California t-shirt, and a new pair of jeans. And now I'm hopefully done spending money for a little while!!! lol....However, I'm so glad I got all the stuff I did...I needed a change of pace clothes-wise...I was sick of all my typical stuff...plus, i recently got rid of most of it because I'm definitely on a minimalist kick...i may actually need to go back through and ditch more of the clothes.

Shopping with the girls was SO much fun yesterday. It was good to just talk and relax and hang out with them. Tomorrow I think just me and Jill are going to hang out, which will be REALLY nice. I like hanging out one-on-one with people. As much fun as it was yesterday, talk tended to center around Marie and James...which is fine, but I really can't wait to help Jill plan for school....I'm so excited for her and I had SOOO much fun when I was planning my stuff out last year! :-D And then me and Marie will get even more time to talk on our 7 hour drive!!! :-D I can't wait for that. She gives me the kind of straight-up opinions I love....and I know she gets superquiet if she doesn't like someone....or she'll flatout tell them...so I'm hoping I'll be able to tell right away if she likes all my friends and maybe Eric, depending on if we see him. So this week is looking to be SPECTACULAR....got to spend time with both Marie and Jill already yesterday (we were basically shopping/talking/eating from 4-9....hhahahha), hanging out with Kelly and getting trashed off cosmos! tonight, hanging out with Jill tomorrow, work wednesday, work and class thursday, MQT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha, busy week...but SO worth it! I just need to try and get a little caught up on sleep sometime, hopefully tomorrow...sleep in after Kel's. And then lose all the sleep I gained when I go up to marquetee...cuz I can GUARANTEE there will not be much sleeping this weekend.

Argh...i have NOTHING to do in the office today...I'm all done! I just have to wait for this guy to show up, so he can sign some stuff, deliver it, and then I can leave! But I don't know what time he's getting here....I brought my book and my chem....maybe I'll take a nap at some point lol.

Alright...I'm bored and kinda sick of writing, so i'm gonna go read.... :-D

:: 2006 2 July :: 12.01 pm

Hahahaha, so I totally got a B on my chem test. LOL....of course, a B goes down to like 69 percent (i got a 77), but I'm still doing good. I've still got an A for the class!!! YAY! And what cracks me up is that I really didn't study for this test. I just didn't have much time, with trying to get all the lab shit done! I like that I'm actually GOOD at chemistry....and I know that sounds conceited....but I really am pretty good at it...it clicks with me. And the fact that I LOVE it and I'm decent at it are SOOO good seeing as how i want to make it into a CAREER...I honestly don't care if I make shitass money...as long as I get to DO it, I will be happy. :-)

Me and Kel's date was a BLAST! The Devil Wears Prada was SOOOO good and so funny! Me and Kelly were probably a little obnoxious in the theater because we were laughing so hard.....but it was really that good :-D

OH! Eric got his package!!! and he LOVED IT!!!! He left me the SWEETEST voicemail about it! hahaha.....the only downside to it is that he went shopping on friday and bought a bunch more koolaid...SO now he has enough to probably last until winter break! But it was just so awesome hearing the excitement and just happiness in his voice about it....it literally made me smile when i was listening to it....and it was even better when i was talking to him later on. Oh, and he thinks he figured out why I asked him 'red or blue'....hahaha, because I put the blue koolaid in a red package. I told him he was WAY wrong...and that he'll just have to wait and see....however............stupid little chinese man on ebay won't sell me the damn metallica light until after the world cup! :-( Which means it will have exactly 19 days to get to ME before I go up there the weekend after his birthday! :-( I REALLY hope it gets here in time....I mean, I guess it's not a HUGE deal if it doesn't, but I'd love to see his face when he opens it. :-)

So...today's agenda - cleaning....and shopping with Marie! :-D I'm excited...me and her haven't gotten to hang out in a really long time...so this will be fun. Plus, we also have next weekend to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONLY 5 MORE DAYS...I can't even believe how fast it's coming...I'm probably going to pass out from excitement about it sooner or later. :-P Hehehe, ok, well I'm gonna go work on that cleaning part....

:: 2006 30 June :: 1.55 pm

Hrmmm...I'm literally like done for the day with work...they haven't given me anything else to do...so i'm writing quick..t.hen I'm gonna go finish my chem labs and see if I can't just leave early! :-D

SAD...Eric decided at the last minute not to come home....but at the same time not sad cuz now I don't have to even worry about seeing him. I can relax this weekend, which will be SO nice! Plus I MAY get to see him next weekend....he said he's probably gonna go back up Saturday, and me and marie will be there through sunday....so we'll see how that goes...me and the girls may be having too much fun! hahaah. And it looks like next weekend is going to be GORGEOUS up there!!!! Sunny and warm! :-D YAY! I need to get some more alcohol before I go up there....I'm thinking vodka and triple sec to make cosmos!!!!!

YAY!!!! Date night with Kel tonight! hahaha, I'm so excited for that, as dorky as that is. We just have such a blast together...even when we're being serious! And she's always good for listening...I've worked through my Eric dilemna numerous times with her....I've pretty much decided I'm still just insecure about guys, as hard as that is to say. I'm SOOO scared of getting hurt, of feeling my heart break again, that I think I'm trying to push him away. Because if I look at it all vaguely, I worry. But when I actually tihnk about him, it's all smiles. I trust him COMPLETELY...even when he goes out to the club...I don't feel nervous or worry about it...I trust that he's not trying to get with any other girl, he treats me amazingly well, and knows how to make me laugh SOO easily. There's nothing about him that I don't either adore or accept....and no reason I can come up with for worrying like I do. So I've accepted my insecurity about it, and I'm trying to work it out within myself. I don't want to be insecure like that....it's just ridiculous.

Anywaysss....little off-topic there lol. But I wanted to get that out in here...I think it's important that I know that I have that weakness and acknowledge it. :-)

EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee can't wait for next weekend....I'm getting SO so pumped about it. It's unbelievable! I just cannot wait to see those girls. I feel like such a dork about it....whenever anyone asks what it is, I basically light up like a lightbulb! I plan on taking SOOOOOOooo many pictures....I'm finally able to succumb to that addiction! hahaha, back home (well besides kelly) noone would ever let me take pictures.....in MQT, we live for them!!! I love pictures...they give hard evidence to memories. And they're just so much fun to look at a few months later....laugh about the stupid faces and memories that a certain picture can bring up. I LOVE IT!

I swear I had more to talk about (so much for this being short and sweet rihgt???). OOooo....chem test last night...not so good. UGH. The prof. said it was the hardest of the 4....he wasn't kididng. YIKES. We'll see how that went. I figure as long as I get a C, I'll be ok. :-) It'll still give me a B average for the class, and the last two tests, i know I'm pretty confident with the material. :-D

Alright, well I can't think of anything else at the moment, so I'm gonna go finish up the labs and see if I can't skedaddle (heehee) early!

^-^

:: 2006 29 June :: 11.32 am

Another reason to NEVER come back to illinois.

I got in a fender bender this morning. I had to drive our van because my car is being fixed. There was alot of construction traffic and the jeep in front of me stopped very suddenly. We weren't going that fast, maybe 20 mph....but the ghetto van just doesn't stop that quickly. So I bumped the jeep. Not a bad hit...just a few paint scratches on the bumper and one on the back of the actual car. you can't even see any damage on the van....so it wasn't bad. I didn't get a ticket...just a warning. And the guy in the Jeep was really nice about the whole thing. We laughed because he wasn't used to driving the car he was in either...it was his wife's. So why does this make me not want to come home??? Because I called my mom. And the first thing she did?? Not ask me if i was ok...NO....she started bitching at me about insurance. Thanks mom.

WTF. It's not like I WANTED to hit him. I tried to swerve out of the way, but it was too late and the car wouldn't stop or steer fast enough to avoid him. And the part that amuses me the most?? It's not going to cost her a fucking cent....but she still saw cause to bitch me out. I KNOW she's gonna make me pay the damages from his car. And its going to affect MY insurance costs not hers. But of course money is her top priority...not her child. :-( Argh. I just don't care to be here anymore. lol.

I see the accident as an accident...I couldn't have avoided it...I was not driving fast or doing something else...i was literally paying attention to the roads because there was so much construction and going slow. I even tried to pull off into the ditch, but that boat just doesn't react that quickly to what you want it to do. But I don't see it as a HUGE deal. I know I'm gonna have to pay a shitton of money extra on my insurance....but it's just money. damn. If money is the sole most important thing in your life, then there is something very very wrong. :-P

Other than that, life is good. Eric is for sure coming home this weekend....... :-\ It's actually just making me kinda sad because I know how slim my chances are of getting to see him, so it's almost like a tease! Oh well.....me and Kelly have a date tomorrow night!! The Devil Wears Prada is coming out and she decided that we were going to make it a date :-D Which means that after work, I have to go home and get cute.....because if you go out on a girly date like that, it's just FUN to be all purty! hahaha.....oh dear.....between leah and kelly...i think i'm actually turning into a GIRL! No more jeans and t-shirt everyday! :-P Of course, once school starts again, i have a feeling I'll go back to that fairly quickly for classes...but if we go out (I'm thinking trips to the Matrix), I'll DEFINITELY get a little dressed up. :-)

Oooooooooo I've worn my new earrings the past two days....they make me SOOSOSOSOSOSOS happy! They're just so darn cute! And dangly earrings make me feel extra pretty. :-* teehee.

So now my weekend is filling up even more....work and date with kelly on friday, lab on saturday, swimming and marie on sunday. Yikes! Hopefully I'll get some sleep at some point too....lol. Ooo and sometime soon me and Jill are gonna get together...I promised her I'd help her figure out what and how to pack for going up to school! I'm SO excited for her. Our little Jill is all grown up and going to college!!!! AHHHHHH! :-D Yay! hahaha....i'm such a dork.

Alright...today I'm actually getting work done in a timely fashion, so this critter is outta here.

:: 2006 28 June :: 11.43 pm

I'm watching The Family Stone right now....and it is HILARIOUS.

Yeah, that's about all I've got. :-D

I SOOO should be studying right now.....but sometimes a movie is just WAY better for your soul! :-D

Night night <3

:: 2006 28 June :: 12.30 pm

Ahhhh I'm still in such a spectacular mood. Everything is just going really really well right now! Except for the fact that I have a REALLY hard chem test tomorrow of course. :-( But after work, me, Greg, and michelle are meeting at border's to study for a few hours, so that should help a bit i hope.

10 DAYS till GIRLS WEEKEND!!!!!! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I talked to Brooke last night, and she got me even MORE excited for it, if that's possible. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAY! I can't wait! I miss those girls so so much. I basically lived with them for a year...and now I haven't seen them in 2 months!!!!! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................ok. I'll behave a little now. hahaha. I think all my friends here are actually sick of hearing about it.....I bring it up constantly.... Marie is definitely coming with me....and if she likes enough, she's going to transfer for fall up there! Very exciting...especially because she won't be clingy...she'll go out and find her own friends, but our friendship will remain close i think. :-)

Talked to Eric last night....who is most likely coming home this weekend....I want to get all excited for that....but the chances of seeing him are so slim that I don't want to get my hopes up. Plus he's not even 100% sure that he's coming yet...but it would be AWESOME if I got to see him....otherwise (unless we somehow catch each other next weekend), I won't see him for another 4 and a half weeks. :-( Ick. But I'm sending out his little package today! :-) Got to run to the post office after work and before studying.

I'm so happy that everything is going so well right now....and all my girls are happy too! Kelly's got all her shit straightened out with work and school, she absolutely adores her new guy david, and we're having a blast when we can; Brookie has a new guy of her own...I can't WAIT to hear about it!!!, and just talking with her ROCKED! i miss that girl SOOOO much!, and Leah is having a blast sleeping with hot guys in their pools....LOL. I just don't know what to do with that girL! Hahaha, awwwwww, she started a scrapbook and one of the pages is of me and her and the title is "roomies for a year, friends for life"....she posted that on my facebook. SOO sweet!

Yeah, there's not really anything else new. Haven't talked to Allix since we fought (a few weeks maybe??), haven't talked to ben in probalby a week, and apparently Nicole is having a birthday party this weekend, and noone has told me or my family. Boo. As for Allix...well...she's gonna do what she wants and honestly...it's a lot less stressful not worrying about trying to get ahold of her. Sad that our friendship is dead....but I was sick of holding it all myself. :-\ As for ben, well, i guess I can handle not talking to him for a bit...all we did was fight. Plus, he's apparently in love.....which boggles my mind, but whatever, I'm just glad he's happy finally. And as for Nicole....my dad probably pissed off mike, so now they're not telling us...big surprise. Oh well...not like I'd be able to go anyway with lab and work and such.

Busy weekend this weekend...but I get my Sunday free again. Friday is work and TANNING!!!, Saturday is lab and tanning, and sunday is all free! I'm HOPEFULLY gonna go swimming in the AM, and then me and Marie are probably gonna hang out sometime in the afternoon/night. I'm trying to tan every day that I'm in the Oak Brook area....I NEED some color!!! hahaha....I'm getting a little darker already which is nice...I've only been in twice so far! :-D Gotta love my skin and it's tanning abilities! :-) Hopefully by the time I go up to Marquette, I'll have at least a decent looking tan so that I look alright in my swimsuit if we all go cliffjumping! I'm just sick of being so darn white! It looks unhealthy. :-(

Blegh...I'm a little sleepy today...which isn't good because I want to stay up and get all my chem shit done for the week, or at least get all the lab writeups done (the next pre-labs don't take that long). Ugh....we'll see how that plan goes. Hopefully I'll be home before 10 so I'll have a few hours to work on it.

Ooooooohhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! My car gets AC TOMORROW!!!!!!!!YAY! It means I have to drive the ghetto van to work/class.....but hey, for A/C, it's a fair sacrifice. hhahaha.

Alright, I'm gonna go eat/do some work.....wish me luck on my test tomorrow!!! :-P

:: 2006 27 June :: 3.39 pm

OMG...i have had the BEST day today!!!!!!!!!

Went swimming this morning with Kelly....which ROCKED...it felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good to get in the water and just SWIM! I totally could have done more, but I kept pace with Kel and made it kinda relaxing for me. Still a damn good workout though.... :-D

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo and then i went SHOPPING! I have not gone shopping for myself like this in SO long. The best part is I decided to try on a miniskirt and grabbed one in my tighter size (i usually bounce between 2 sizes...the bigger size is loose, the smaller size is a little snug).....IT DIDN'T FIT!!!!!! It was WAY too big. I ended up finding out today that I've dropped 2 and a half (since i was kinda in-between sizes) SIZES!!!!!!! :-D I was so happy and looked so damn good that I bought TWO skirts, a short mini denim and a white flowy one that goes almost to my knees. :-D I figured maybe it was just skirts, but then I went into a different store and bought a pair of white pants....SAME SIZE! I could not be happier....I literally have not been this size since freshman year of highschool. DAMN! :-D And now if I just get it all toned up...hell, I won't even worry about dropping those last 10 pounds I wanted to. I feel AMAZING. It was SOOOO nice flipping through the racks and looking for such a small size!! lol. And it definitely made me feel just extra sexy! hahaha....went to victoria's secret and bought new v-strings OF COURSE! hahaha, and they have a new style where the straps are much smaller...>LOVE THEM! I spent a lot of money (a little over $100)...but i haven't splurged on myself in so long! And this was the best time to do it! It totally gave me a boost to want to keep working on toning my body up...I do situps at work while i'm waiting on the copy machine :-)

Oooooooooooooooh and on top of all THAT, I managed to find my earrings at Claire's!!!!!!!! The same type of ones that I left at Eric's (the ones that disappeared into his apartment somewhere)!!!! YAY! I was so excited when i found them. At first we couldn't find them (i asked the salesgirl to help me look for exactly what i needed), but then she managed to locate them in a completely different section of the store!!! SO HAPPY! i absolutely ADORE those earrings....they're just so darn cute.

So if things still go well with Eric through the next time i go up there, i totally know what i want to wear (unless i buy something hotter beforehand lol) : one of the three new shirts i bought (most likely this pretty, long red one with a pink cami underneath), my denim mini, and definitely those earrings....hahaha, if i remember right he loves them on me. I feel INCREDIBLY hot in that outfit...i feel like i actually look really good....and I know that if I make a little effort, he'll totally notice and comment on it (he's SOOO amazing about that....gotta love a guy who compliments a girl once in awhile)....yay! superexcited....even though i still have my semi-doubts about him. lol. New clothes just make everything better.

Alright, I have to go to class....we're working on our labs before the actual class starts.

:-D

:: 2006 26 June :: 2.04 pm

Holy hell...I'm wiped. Getting to work at 8 was way superearly....and I literally JUST got into the office about 30 minutes ago. I've been driving CONSTANTLY since 630 this morning...that's 7 hours of driving! Well more like 6 because I obviously made a few stops to do stuff (filing and whatnot)...but that's a LOT of driving around.....and it severely tired me out. I'm all blah. :-( I can hardly even focus on what I'm doing long enough to type this out!!! Ugh. Oh well.....tomorrow should be a GREAT day. Swimming in the early AM with Kel, go get my contact test done, hang out with Kel a bit (we finally both have a DAY where we can do stuff!!!!), get some stuff done at home, and then class. Not very exciting, but a chance to get some of the insane amount of stuff i have to do done! Plus i cannot WAIT to go swimming!

Oooooo GOOD NEWS!!!!!! Crystal (hooker) is coming up too for girls weekend!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! Me and her actually have a love-hate relationship....we have the same personality, so we fight constantly...literally we bitch each other out all the time....it drives the other girls NUTS, but I love her to pieces nonetheless, now that i've gotten used to the bickering. And she managed to get off that weekend, so now it will be all 5 of us! Plus, Brooke's bringing her friend Michelle, who I LOVE, and i'm bringing Marie up (I don't think the other two are bringing anyone....) YAY!!!!!!!!! Gah, i can't wait....!!! I miss them so so sososososososowsos much. It's unbelievable. And it's sad because you think me and Brooke would get to see each other often...but no...our work schedules are pretty much exactly the opposite. She has class during the day and works late, i have work during the day and class late. Ugh. :-( But two more weeks and we'll all get to hang out the whole weekend!!!!!!! :-D (Actually, it's only 11 days as Eric pointed out...(the day I get up there is the day of his concert....so we've both got a countdown going...)...)

Speaking of my 'sorta-kinda man' (haha, that's what i generally refer to him as....he's my sorta man....not exactly mine, but close...lol), he may come home this weekend....which I'm going to use to kinda observe some stuff. If he calls, that's an amazing supergood thing...if he wants to hang out, even better obviously. However, if he doesn't call, not a bad thing. He's already got plans (if he comes) to go downtown Sat. night cuz a bunch of his friends live down there. So I can't hold that against him....but I won't lie, if he doesn't even call, it's going to alter my thoughts on this whole relationship dealio. I want to feel him out a bit.....see where he stands on it, and I figure this is a good way of doing it. Now on the off-chance he wants me to come like out to his house......well...prepare for a freak out from me because I really am that nervous about meeting his mom. His telling me that her and tricia got along so great really put a nervous edge to the whole thing....dangit. OH well....my best guess is that I'll get a phone call, but I won't see him. Which works....keeps things light. And on top of that, even if he did want to hang out, I doubt I'd be able to. I have work on Friday, lab on Saturday, and I'm supposed to hang out with marie on sunday (she wants to take me to a huka bar....we'll see). I'm basically gonna be busy as always....but there's not really any way to avoid it....which is exactly why me and him aren't in a relationship to begin wtih....lol....i can't even imagine worrying about him in that context with everything else i've got going on!!!

YAY! I just got an email from Kari about mentoring stuff! Time to start planning!!! Which unfortunately means I'm going to be even BUSIER working with her and Erin and Justine through email/phone to develop our training program and resource packets! It's actually a little terrifying because Erin and Kari are completely leaving it up to me and Justine. They want updates and to see a final plan, but it's all on us!!! AHHHHHHHHH! :-) I'm so excited about this...and it will look GREAT on my resume! And kari has total faith in us...says she can't wait for us to take over next year because she thinks we'll be great! :-) I'm excited for all the planning....we get to do outings and dinners and meetings...and it's all up to me and Justine to organize! I'm hoping it will also really give us some contacts throughout the university...we'll have to work with some of them for the planning of panels and discussions. :-)

Gah....I can't even imagine how fricken busy I'm going to be...I think i'm going to try and get my labs done tonight though.....I have to do three writeups and the prelab for 3 more.....ARGH. And I have a test on thursday...between class and work and now the mentor work, I'm going to be dead by the time school starts!!!! lol...but I really love the challenge. It's forcing me to motivate myself WAY beyond what I thought i could do...and I think I'm doing pretty damn well. :-) And on top of all that, there's the weekend trips to Marquette AND I'm still finding time to SOMEHOW hang out with my friends! I basically use every hour of my day to its fullest! But at least I'm not bored! :-)

I'm back to being happy agaiin....lol....can ya tell? I was in a severe funk....freaking out about Eric, irritated with my dad, but I'm just trying to let it all slide. Things with Eric are gonna play out as they will, and I don't want to make it crazier than it already is! Plus I enjoy where we're at....and I'm working on not worrying about whether or not he likes me back lol. As for my dad....well, thats just a measure in my patience and ability to avoid him. I think it was so hellish last week because my mom was gone AND so was my brother.

Speaking of which, we've been getting along GREAT since I went up to school...yeah we still fight, but it's SO much less.....it absolutely amazes me...and we were cracking up last night....he literally lifted me by my ankles and was holding me upside down!! I freaked out and almost choked on cheese popcorn, tried punching him in the nuts, which succeeded in him putting me down, but then when i walked into the computer room to talk to him a little later, he grabbed me and lifted me onto his shoulders and paraded through the house to thoroughly exasperate our mom...it was hysterical...i couldn't stop laughing or yelling...he's fuckin tall!!!!! I was high up!!! lol So that rocks, except I find that I feel like the little sister more so than the big sister...lol....fucker's HUGE!!!!!! But that's alright....it rocks that we're actually starting to get along.... :-)

Hmmmmm...in other news...i laughed today while i was downtown....I was waiting for the sign to change to walk across a street and I turned my head just in time to see this boy who was staring at me literally walk into other people because he wasn't watching where he was going!!!!!! LOL....he completely blushed...it was SOOOO funny....so I guess my body's still holding up to the male test lol....I still really want to tone it up....I HAVE NO TIME!!!...hahaha....but i think it still looks at least decent. I've stayed at the same weight since the beginning of summer (actually i think i lost a couple more pounds)....which is about as much as i weighed prolly at the beginning of senior year. So that's really happy! :-D My goal is at 10 more pounds by the end of the summer though...I won't be crushed if I don't reach it...i realize how little time i have for working out (i can barely even go on runs anymroe) but if I manage to make my goal, I would be EXTREMELY excited......the only downside would be that I'd definitely have to spend money on tons of new clothes... ;-) Hrmmmmmmmmmmm the winky smile made me think.....heheheheheehheheehehehe.....maybe I'll consider some things for the next time I go up to Marquette (not girls weekend, but the NEXT time).........really blow that boy's mind....and other things....LOL. :-D By then, hopefully I'll be all toned up and tan....which could make a hot new little outfit look even hotter if I'm toned....i think a shopping trip MAY be in order!!!!!! hahaha....we'll see how the next few weeks go with him. I'll play it by ear.

Oh dear....well now my imagination is running absolutely WILD! hahaha....and he makes it so easy....for a metalhead who NEVER works out, he really has QUITE a nice body (and no beer belly surprisingly....). Tall (oh so perfectly tall, i have to stand JUST a little on my tiptoes to kiss him :-D), slightly muscular (obviously, if he can lift me up with one arm....i'm gonna have to put that to use....), not superhairy hahahaha, that and i'm convinced he's secretly black (it's the ONLY thing that explains a certain part of his anatomy!!!!!)....coupled with his smile and those eyes of his.... Hmmm ok, I need to get off the physical aspects before I go crazy.....He's quite the package indeed though....has all the physical, all the emotional, and all those other qualities that make men amazing.....i just don't know. And if he's only a temporary catch, well then DAMN i picked a good one....hahaha. I think i'm starting to develop a thing for dark-haired boys in general right now....they're all i seem to gaze at hahaha....hey, I'm technically single! lol. Nah, i just like to look.......i appreciate beauty. :-) Anyway.....wow, i apologize for the sudden outburst on Eric there....yikes, i need to get laid or something.....hahaha....either that or me and Kel really DO need to go shopping...damn. I honestly was not even expecting a reaction like that from myself. Well, we can all tell i still like him quite a bit! hahaha....ugh, i just hope it doesn't seem like it's an all-physical attraction...cuz it's really not. In all actuality, he's not even hot. Yeah, I see all the amazing parts....but he's not conventionally hot....as me and Kelly have decided to put we're really stepping out of our respective boxes with these boys...they're so unlike guys we would normally date....but they're blowing our minds and bodies! Hahhahahahahaha, me and Kelly had VERY similar first nights with the respective guys.....LOL....CRACKS ME UP!!!!! Note to girls everywhere: There IS such a thing as too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha.

Ok, well screw this...i'm insanely out of it and being a little hornball and it's driving me crazy because I have no reprieve from it for at least 5 more weeks unless some miracle happens!!!!!! GAH!!!!! *faints from the thought*....oh this is gonna be a tough one...me and Kelly definitely need to hit up LL.....i don't think i can survive.

Adios for now!!!

:: 2006 25 June :: 10.41 pm

lallalalalalalalaa, i'm super bored....and super not tired. Probably due to the ton of sleep i got today.....heehee....oh well...TOTALLY needed it. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....yea i don't know. I'm just kinda in a bizarre mood and I don't really have anything to write about.

I freaked out a little about Eric earlier....started rambling to Kelly that he probably doesn't like me. She basically just repeatedly told me to shutup. According to her, the weekend we were up there, he was totally 'the boyfriend'...hahaha....and then I talked with marie about it and she provided a much more objective view about it, which was nice. Everyone says I have nothing to worry about. And I honestly don't know why I'm freaking out. I can speculate....probably due to my recent heartbreak and not wanting to get screwed over by another guy....trying to fight against liking someone. I've really just gotta relax about it though. Kel thinks i'm starting to flip cuz I'm sick of this 'friends' thing....all the feelings are getting overwhelming. And that makes sense to me....it IS overwhelming...i miss him like mad, and he's not even mine. It drives me nuts. I guess I am kinda getting to a point where i want an answer...probably why I've been thinking more objectively about the whole thing. And I'm still unsure....right now it's good....really good. So we'll just leave it at...and my crazy thoughts will keep right on going until I find whatever answer my heart feels.

I found what I'm getting him for his birthday.... :-D It's a neon metallica sign...it's pretty much amazing...i LOVE it. It's got a black background and then it lights up red....it's SWEET....i really hope he likes it!!! And it's fun little package time!! because i really am that much of a dork! I got a bunch of his favorite koolaid and I managed to find this little statue guy i have (he has two of them on his dresser that he got randomly....i got mine from inside a kinder egg from europe...and mine was in a box under my bed, so i'm adding to his collection).....it's goin in a package that he'll hopefully get before he comes down for his concert! :-) I'm hoping he likes that too....i LOVE doing cute little things like that, and I hope he appreciates it/adores it...hehehe. I may add some more stuff if I think about it....we'll see. I just want it to be little and fun, kinda a just because i wanted to brighten your day thing....lol. I may stick a few cigars in there....there are these strawberry ones he got one time that i LOVED the smell of.......they were YUMMY. So we'll see....depends on how creative i'm feeling. :-)

Oooooooooooooooooooo I HAVE OFF WORK ON TUESDAY!!!! YAY! Unfortunately, I have to be at work tomorrow at 8 instead of 9, but a day off in the middle of the week will be SOOOOOOOO nice!!! I still have class that night...but hey, you can't win them all, and not having to leave the house till 5 is DAMN nice! I don't think I'll be sleeping in though....I think me and Kelly are gonna go lap swim in the morning! :-D Plus, I can hopefully get my contact thinger done and just get some general shit accomplished. :-)

Alirght, must go to bed....have to be up in like 5 hours.... :-( But no work on tuesday!!! YAY! And tomorrow night is Brett's t-ball game! Which will hopefully be alot of fun...he's SOOO excited that I'm going...it's absolutely precious.

k, night folks

:: 2006 25 June :: 2.25 pm

Hmmmmm....so I've officially tried pot now!!!! hahaha....i knew I would by the end of next year...so many of my close friends at school were itchin to get me to try it. And I've opened up to trying it. I was never really opposed to it...it juts wasn't something i really cared to do. And after doing it..........well I'll probably do it again, because I didn't even get high (OMG ITS THUNDERING YAY!), and because all those friends still want me to try it with THEM. lol. Ended up drinkin with Kel, her new b/f David, and his friend Travis....we pretty much just played cards all night...it was actually alot of fun. :-)

Oh billy.....lorne cracks me up....we're discussing how I used to be the good kid everyone thought was bad...now I'm gonna have to fool them into thinking good kid...while i'm bad. lol. I told him i'm just a particpating member of society!

Leahs whorin it up a bit this summer lol...i just talked to her and she slept with ehr second guy of the summer..........hahahahahaha....however on the way downside, her mom isn't going to let her go to puerto vallarta for winter break. SHe doesn't want her to leave the country actually. :-(

Hmmmm...and Eric isn't feeling any differently than where we started lol.....i was overanalyzing...he's just bene crazy busy with work....i gave him shit for not calling me though whihc was funny. He's gotten better now that it's the weekend....he actually called this morning while i was still passed out from the hangover....I called him back and gave him shit for being asleep when I called him to have a drunk conversation. (He'd had poker night with the guys and didn't drink, so he crashed SUPER early) I'm super jealous though cuz he was goin to hike up hogsback today :-(. I'm amused......in the past few entries I haven't talked about him with quite as much gusto as before. I don't think I'm bored.....I think it's more the freakout that htis whole thing may not happen come fall has caused me to step back. I don't want to get too worked up about it, and then be hurt if it doesn't happen. I was definitely sad last night though....some of David's mannerisms reminded me of Eric, and the way he was with Kelly made me miss that SOOO much. And then I had some CRAZY dreams about him last night....it's really hard to keep my feelings reigned in....but it's easy at the same time? That makes no sense. It's so nuts. I have myself set up for both failure and success. And I'm prepared at the same time for both. I'm actually more prepared for what will happen if we DON'T make it an official thing than if we do I think. If we do...I'm not really sure what to do with that...and I don't want to worry about it too much...I'll worry about the balance if it comes. If it doesn't happen, I trust my feelings enough to know that I won't be too hurt. Because we've talked about it so much...I know that THIS has been real. This almost 3 months so far have been incredibly real and heartfelt, though difficult. And I treasure every day of it....because the chance to experience something this real, this true, no matter how shortlived, doesn't come often. With Eric, I found everything I needed right when I needed it. We were and are on the same page....and willing to put a little trust in each other. We know each other's feelings, and I know at least on my part, that if it doesn't work out, I'll be ok. Hell, I may even be the one to decide that it won't work out. Right now I'm still feeling everything out, and if I honestly decide that we would be better just as friends, that's what I will tell him. I want to be ready for a relationship with him, and if I'm not, well, I can't change that. This is one of the things that makes me so comfortable with the situation. I accept it. I realize my feelings and also the timing and EVERYTHING.....and I'm not lying to myself about any of it. This is not a fairytale. But it does make me happy....so regardless of morals (hahaha, jill said i do sound a little like a whore, but at least i'm not sleeping with a BUNCH of guys or anything) (and my morals have changed a little anyway....reverted if you will to a time when I consider myself more mature than I was at the end of highschool), regardless of what anyone else says (however, the consensus has been a resounding approval, even by my mom, who knows ALL the details), regardless of how screwy it is, I AM HAPPY....and that is the most important thing to me right now. I'm making decisions that I know I will not regret, and I'm making them based on what I believe and what I feel. :-) Eric just makes those decisions even better....because they match mine.

Speaking of which, my mom has come ot terms with me probably staying up there next summer as long as i can find another internship......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I plan on basically starting to look as soon as I get back up to school. I can figure out housing arrangements later on....if I have to i swear I will live in a tent the whole summer. :-D

Ok.............this is a really rambly entry because I've been talking to peopel the whole time and kinda going off on whatever we were chatting about. Now i'm off to take a shower.

:: 2006 23 June :: 9.50 am

Ugh...life is trying to bring me down right now....boo. I've been figuring out all my money shit and I swear, even though I'm raking in like $5000 for the summer, I will still have no money by the time school rolls around. :-( My books are going to cost somewhere near $1000 this semester, because of Organic chem (500 just by itself)....i have a $500 credit card bill to pay off, $600 in car repairs, phone bill, prescriptions, storage unit, and gas to pay for............AHHHHHHHHH! However, my lack of money is also counting in my Puerto Vallarta trip. I'm paying for all of it, and then Leah (maybe??!??? who the hell knwos) is gonna pay for their half part now, and part over the course of the semester. And at the end of summer, I get almost $100 back from my storage unit deposit. But I feel like I'm working my ass off and not really getting much from it. :-(

Then...I may not get to Shanghai this summer....because it's such a popular place, getting on an airplane is damn near IMPOSSIBLE. And I can't afford to NOT get on a flight....so that may have to be postponed until sometime during the school year. :'-(

And...I literally have not gotten to talk to Eric for more than 5 minutes the entire week. I'm waiting for HIM to call....see how long it takes... :-\ Maybe he really did get bored/annoyed. Maybe I'm just not good enough again. I won't lie, it will hurt a little if he does decide it's not worth it. Cuz I like him....alot. But if we're gonna be anything, both of us need to be in it. So I'd rather have him be upfront with me now, then pretend. Plus, if it's not gonna happen, I'd much rather deal with it right away so it's no big deal and we can go on having a good time together, just minus some of the obvious things....lol. We'll see what happens. I've left the ball in his court, as cliche as that is....I don't want to be the one calling all the time....however, I think if I don't hear from him by this weekend, I'll call and just ask what's up. I'm not gonna have my heart drug around ever again....

So that's the update, more or less. Marquette is coming up again soon....and I can't wait, as usual. Sadly, I probably won't get to see Eric though, because he'll be HERE. :-( But I will get to see my girls....and I think I'm bringing Marie and Jill and maybe even Kristen up with me. :-D And I think we're gonna celebrate brooke's birthday...i just mentioned the idea to leah today, so we'll see how that goes...her bday is the 12th and we'll be there till the 9th...so I figure it would ROCK to do that for her. :-)

Yeah...so there's some stuff bringin me down a bit....but all in all it's still good...I was sad that I didn't care for my music as much this morning...lol....just wasn't in the mood to jam out...hahaha...but my mood is getting better...i get to drive out to woodfield in a bit and then out to arlington heights...i like that drive so i'm excited. Alright, I'm focused on actually getting some work done today, so I'm gonna go attempt that. :-P

Let's hope the day keeps getting better..... :-D

:: 2006 22 June :: 4.46 pm

I almost had a bad day today....hahaha. Argued with my dad a whole bunch before I left for work....he wants a pity party for everything, and basically, i refuse to give it. He's pathetic.....and argumentative. Not a good combination. But then I had to drive to Park Ridge....and I basically jammed out to tunes the entire time...danced and everything...it was hysterical...I got the GREATEST looks from people in the cars I passed/passed me. :-D

Ooooooo, I found a tanning place on my way home...30 dollars for a month of unlimited tans on the medium beds. Definitely needed right now. My skin is fricken translucent (go check my facebook albums :-(...) So I'm stoked about that....the place is SUPER nice too....same with the owner...she's a sweetheart! <3

Hmmmmmmm....yeah that's about all that's new...I'm drowning in homework right now...so I'm heading to school...right now...to go work on the labs with Erin. :-( Oh well...I think I got an A on my test if I haven't mentioned that yet! I got an 85, and his scale has an A going down to an 84!!!!!!!!!!! SOOO happy!

See?? ALMOST had a bad day. But I'm DETERMINED to not have unhappy days anymore....I don't like being sad. So I jam out in the car (lol...i love saying jam out) and think about all the AMAZING things that I have and that are happening to me :-)

HOORAY FOR HAPPY DAYS!

:: 2006 21 June :: 10.37 am

Holy hell I'm tired. :-(

Me and Eric finally had a not spectacular conversation...we were both so tired that it was just a short simple, hey how ya doin, gonna go home and sleep kinda thing. My crazy mind automatically wanted to analyze it...worry that 'ohmygod, maybe he doesn't like me'....but he sounded SOO exhausted (40 hours of work in 3 days) and I was tired...it just wasn't set to be a great talk...hahaha.

I'm in a very thoughtful mood...which is never ever ever good. :-P Actually it's made me a little sad....thinking more about growing up and not coming back to Marengo. because even if I don't stay in Marquette next summer, I won't be here...I'll be in Abbott Park, because they offer free housing (apts) for interns. So this is pretty much my last summer HOME. My last long stretch of time here. Which is incredibly scary and sad. marengo has held me in it's embrace my entire life, and now I'm 100% ready to up and leave it. I've heard the song "photograph" by nickelback alot lately....it's probably what got me thinking about all this. It just makes me sad. Not so much sad about leaving, but sad about all the memories I've had here or something. I don't know. I can't really put it into words. I really really really REALLY want to stay in Marquette....but I don't think I can find a decent enough internship for that. :-( I want it so bad....I love it there like i love nothing else. Being in that town just makes me HAPPY. Driving around this weekend with Kel and Eric, showing Kelly campus and town, made me appreciate it all over again. But I really want to do an internship next summer. I know I've gone off my plan a bit already (I think I'm going to stay an extra semester up there....do it in 4 and a 1/2 years), but an internship at Abbott would be AMAZING...they're a very strong force in pharmaceuticals right now. And I can get an internship there at the snap of my fingers because my cousin Keith works there and is fairly high in the ranks i guess. He told my mom all I have to do is say the word and it's mine if everything matches up (grades, etc). How can I pass that up? I can't. And I don't want to do another summer of driving. So I'd live in abbott park for the summer. 50 miles from Marengo, 6 hours from Marquette. Marquette hurts way worse than marengo. I just don't want to leave it.

blah, I'm rambling. It comes to this - I'm sad that I'm growing up...craving to completely break away from Marengo. I've outgrown it. It's not who I am anymore....well, it is, but I think I'm so much more now. I've slowly grown into myself. I'm sad that I don't think I can stay in Marquette next summer. It literally breaks my heart. It's where I want to be.

As much as I don't want to analyze (and this is a little off the topic from it anyway), I've been analyzing whether or not I want a relationship with eric come fall. I'm afraid of having a boyfriend up there. Afraid of losing everything I've gained. Right now, I'm not accountable to anyone. Even last year, I wasn't really. I didn't have that extra person WITH me.....with this, I would. And it would be hard to balance it. The nice thing is that I get along with his friends, and he gets along with mine.....but our FRIENDS don't get along...actually most of them don't really care for each other at all. :-\ I think about these things. lol. And it would be hard not to spend TOO much time with him...to not sleep over all the time...but if we do decide to go after a relationship, I'm going to limit how often I stay there....I would NOT want to be a live-in girlfriend after like a month. Plus, I WILL NOT lose my girls. And I need to kick some ass this semester and get my GPA back above a 3.5 (my own goal)...I want to keep the identity I've found the past few months...and that is not based on a boy.

I'm glad there's still 2 months left....but at the same point....AH, theres only 2 months left! Less, actually...i think it's like 55 days. I laughed to myself last night on the ride home, because I was considering how exactly we were going to approach this. Just sit down one of the first few nights I'm back up there and say "well what do you think, should we give it a try??"???? That's SOOO bizarre. Especially since we've been half-dating this whole time....alsjflakdsjfa;lfjasdf ahhhhhhhhhhh.....there's not really alot holding me back from the idea of it. I'm just not really sure yet. And I want to be sure...which is why I'm so thankful for these two months still.

Why am I so unsure?? well, theres all that stuff above. Losing myself, losing my girls, not having time for myself, but I'm also taking a critical look at HIM. And honestly, he's holding up pretty damn well to my minds fight to discredit him. Because he really is an absolutely amazing person. That even bothers me though....I worry about being good enough for HIM!!! But he does drink alot. That's pretty much the only warning flag about him that I've got. But that doesn't even bother me much. It's his decision to do what he wants. I just won't be drunk as much as him once school starts up again. Gotta fix that GPA....so not QUITE as much partying if I've got homework or somethin.

Rambling again. :-( I'm probably just scared inside. Afraid of that intense pain. I really think I really like the kid. Me and Kel had a heart-to-heart on the way home about it. We tried considering if maybe we were chasing our respective boys just because we know THEY liked US. But as soon as she said that, I stopped her. Because I'd liked Eric since before I even got dumped....well not liked, but been attracted to. The first time we partied together. We were in Brookie's room, and we had so much fun. Everyone just hung out and the 17 or so of us got pretty smashed. After the party though, I pulled Brooke aside. I asked her if she'd seen me and Eric talking a whole bunch and she said something along the lines of yeah whats up with that. i told her I didn't know...but that I couldn't like him...and he couldn't like me....I already had a boyfriend. She said he wasn't like that and he wouldn't try anything with me...so I had nothing to worry about. (I just checked my agenda...that first party was 9 days before Ben broke up with me). The timing of EVERYTHING....literally could not have been better or worse. But back to the point....I was attracted to him before I even was allowed to be. And at the next party, I decided to flirt a little, see if maybe he was just really drunk that night and being flirty then. But that night he was just as flirtatious back...and he didn't even drink that much. (well early on at least lol...by then end of that night, we all DEFINITELY stumbled back)So I don't think I chased him just because he liked me...because I felt that tug too. That "hey, he's kinda cute"...and "hmmmm, it's a shame I'm taken, cuz if not, something could happen there".

We'll see. :-P

Off on errands. :-\

:: 2006 19 June :: 12.38 pm

Wow...it's a damn good thing I keep decent track of my money. Me, Eric, and Kel actually had a conversation about it this weekend...Eric took time during one of the movies we watched to update his checkbook and computer. He keeps impeccable track of his, and while mine isn't quite as accurate, I try to be as precise as possible about keeping my receipts and putting the right amounts in my book. Kelly doesn't keep as good of track, she prefers to use her head and just estimate. The irony behind us having this talk is that I filled my checkbook out from this weekend during lunch. Yesterday I put $10.26 in my gas tank in Harvard to make sure we made it home...hahaha. The shitty part?? According to the bank (what it says online), I spent $75. Ummm what?!?!?!?! So I just emailed them...told them this needed to be fixed immediately, whether it was just the bank's mistake, or the gas station's. I have the receipt, which is SO good...without, I wouldn't have any argument! So there's my motivation to keep an even closer track of all that money....65 dollars is a decent chunk!

I'm soo sleepy today. I meant to go to bed around 10, but I ended up talking with Eric a little, so I didn't crash until like quarter to 11. But I'm glad I talked to him. We're still on the same page. :-) I'm just glad things are comfortable between us...I love going up there because I get to see him and have a great time with him, but I don't have to be attached to his hip. Plus, he's not mine and i'm not his at this point, so it's nice to actually FEEL that way. I basically feel single when I'm out with him at parties, except for him kinda watching and giving me a kiss/squeezing my hand every so often. Single girls work well at parties too....and I think I still pass for cute because all the guys kept bringing me jello shots or beer. The beers I didn't take (i was craving harder stuff), but this guy Jim definitely brought me a couple of YUMMY jello shots! :-) If I was attached to Eric, I wouldn't have gotten HALF as much free booze. lol.

Alright, I've got bitch running to do for the office....adios!

:: 2006 18 June :: 9.42 pm

another SPECTACULAR weekend! :-D I was trying to figure out whether or not it topped the first weekend...and I think their different enough to just respectfully say that both were GREAT!!!!

I won't give as crazy detailed description as the first weekend....

Friday was.......interesting. I don't remember very much of it though......hahaha. Yeah, going drink for drink with Eric was not the best of ideas on that particular night. My preconditions - 4 hours of sleep, work all day and class all night the night before, a 7 hour drive in 90 degree heat with no air conditioning, and i barely ate anything that day. Soooooooooo.....7 beers and a shot in one hour later......i'm passed out on the couch and throwing up when I wake up. hahaha...eventually i sobered up a bit and chilled with everyone...hahaha, i walked the back balcony for a bit looking for my friend Dana....i missed her!!!.....had a GREAT night, ended up crashing at probably about 2 (after the cops came and we DIDNT answer the door...lol...we were all way too drunk). Woke up the next morning hungover as all fuck. :-( Eric felt really really bad...but I told him it was my own fault and he had NOTHING to be sorry for. I just chilled and drank a bunch of water (threw most of that back up though...), passed out a few times, and was ok by noon-thirty ish. CLIFF JUMPING! Went out to black rocks and had a BLAST! We swam out to one of the little islands, froze our asses off, and hung out at the beach for awhile too. Then we definitely came back and CRASHED. Got some movies and half-slept on the couches for a few hours........we were SOOO tired from swimming...the lake was SO cold! Amanda and Justin ended up coming over probalby at like 8 or 9...we played some circle of death till 11 or 12 (the cops came back and just told eric that the reason they'd stopped the ngiht before was for a noise violation...so no biggie...the noise thing was much better than an MIP). After that, we headed to a party a few blocks away....but noone was there yet. Me and Kelly were getting ready to go wander up the house in front of the one we were at (we'd seen a bunch of boys on the porch), when who was walking in??? DANA!!!!!!!! Totally small world! We hugged and took some pictures, and then the three of us did head to the front house because dana knew one of the girls that lived in hte house. Plus, me and kel were all about just talkin it up to the boys...we looked cute and therefore, were immediately invited up! :-D Eventually the boys and Amanda joined us up there and we all hung out and got drunk for a few hours. Saw creepy Tim too....which was ok...I figured he was gonna make some creepy moves, but I was still nice for now. lol. Me and Kel ended up making out...that was hysterical. Eric had my camera and we asked him to take a picture, but he just stood there and watched for awhile....LOL. Needless to say, we had half the porch entranced. Eventually eric broke free from his comatose state (he'd seen me make out with girls before (brookie and crystal) but he couldn't pass up the chance to watch again...hahahahaha), we all played some beer pong, and eventually headed back to chris'. Me and Kel were two of the last couple of people to head back over there...I'd met Scotty, who lived in the house I was sitting at, and we were talking, and Kelly was off making nice with some boy named Dave (or Dan...between me, kel, and Eric, we can't figure out what his name actually was...lol). When I got in, Justin wrapped me up into a huge hug......which was fine (although he did skeeve me out a tiny bit...he kept trying to drag me off alone....luckily eric yelled at him a bit)...untill i realized he was SOAKED. I managed to disentangle myself from him, turned around....and got SPRAYED in the face by Eric with freezing cold water from one of those sink sprayers. When i recovered from the shock, I wrestled it from him and sprayed him, and we soon had the whole kitchen and half the people at the party completely soaked. It was SUCH a blast, because it was a warm night and everyone was having a great time! Me and Dana ended up having Jim (one of the other guys who lived in the house were at...very nice boy....kept bringing me and kel jello shots :-D...god, i love being a girl sometimes...) watch to make sure noone followed us...we escaped to a dark corner and wrung out our shirts...lol. The party was SOOO much fun. I really really liked how Eric acted too...as we were walking between houses one time, he said to me "hey, we'll be together later tonight, but go have a good time, ok??" And that is just what I did. And so did he. But it was AMAZINGLY sweet, because I'd see him watch me from across the room every so often, or when we did manage to dart past each other, he'd just reach out and run his hand along my side or grab and squeeze my hand really quick....let me know he was there, but wasn't being insanely overprotective. It was AWESOME. I got to just meander about having a blast and hanging out with whoever, and still know that he was off having a blast too, and that we could do it without freaking out about the other one. lol. Creepy tim did end up grabbing my ass a few times and hugging me way too often though...which Eric later told me I should have told him. But I can hold my own, and Tim wasn't tryin to make out with me, so I'd just smack his hand away, and go on having a good time. Eric said he would have made sure Tim never did that again, but I didn't want to bust in on his fun....I didn't really feel threatened at all, so I didn't see the need.

kelly ended up finding me at 3am and telling me she needed to go pass out. Eric insisted on leaving with us (i wanted him to stay and keep partying), and the three of us headed back to the apartment. Once we tucked her in, we decided to not go back out (danielled had called and told us to come to her place). I sat on the kitchen counter and he made us PB&Js, and we just hung out and goofed around for a bit and talked. We headed to bed, eventually crashed (it was an interesting night.......lol)(we should order 2....2 what?....Pizzas.)(that is AMAZING...i want a grill i can grill shit on), and woke up feeling pretty good for the amount of alcohol we'd had (well........kelly wasn't doin so hot). We chilled there for a few hours, watched a chick flick lol (in her shoes...not the greatest), and then begrudgingly packed our stuff up to head home. We took in all the empties and hit my storae unit, then headed out. It was another sad leave....cuz I don't get to see him for 6 weeks now...but that's life, and the weekend was amazng. Me and him are still on the same page....which is SO good.

AND he won kelly's absolute approval. She said he wasn't what she had expected (hahaha, she says he doesn't have as defined cheekbones as she was expecting...and he actually is a metalhead...lol...and his hair was longer than she thought...but even i noticed that...hahaha, his hair grows insanely fast!), but after she talked to him for a bit and watched how he acted with me and (according to her) the looks on our faces when we saw each other/were around each other, was WAY more than enough to win complete approval from her. Which makes me SO SO happy. Knowing that someone from back home, who would TOTALLY not be used to him, thinks he's a decent guy and good enough for me, is really important to me. Knowing your friends like and trust a guy you like is an incredible feeling. :-) And Kelly had a great time...which made me really happy. I really wanted her to have fun, which she totally did. :-)

Alright...i'm goin to bed...this took way longer than i wanted it too! need sleep!

:: 2006 16 June :: 12.22 am

I'm back to excited about marquette tomorrow. Not just for a reprieve, but for it's own sake. Nervous as all fuck for everything to go well and Kelly to have a good time....but excited nonetheless. Last night Eric said something that wasn't entirely mean, but kinda hurt me. I told him today and he actually admitted he was wrong and that that was a shitty thing for him to say, drunk and joking or not. It blew me away. I'm not really used to a guy actually heartfelty apologizing to me. I'm excited to see him....I hate that he has my feelings all crazed, but I really truly cannot wait to see that boy. It bothers me because if we don't decide to make this a longterm thing come fall, it will be a little sad for me....but if that happens, I may as well enjoy the times we DO have....to the fullest. Hug and kiss him and have a good time.

I'm much calmer can ya tell? And there was an actual turning point today. When I was driving downtown, I stopped at a redlight and was looking off to my left when this old man in a blue van asked from my right, "are you smiling?". I didn't hear him so I turned and asked waht he had said....after he repeated it, I just couldn't help myself...my face broke out in a HUGE smile. The old man said, "there ya go! You should always keep smiling!", the light turned green and he disappeared. I didn't see him turn, but when i looked slightly behind me to the right there was no van. No joke! It was so bizarre, but it was absolutely AMAZZING. I joked with Kelly that it was god...and that god is an old man with white hair and a tooth or two missing. I was highly amused....especially that the car disappeared! but anyway...that completely changed my day. I'd been all upset about the night's events, but that old man stepped in and reminded me of how happy I've been all summer. With a few well-chosen words, he swept away my sadness....a mere stranger. SO fricken bizarre.

Yeah...ok...i really must go pack and get to bed....7 hours of driving to do tomorrow! But the weekend that will follow will hopefully be well worth the drive. And I'm glad I moved past last night and that Eric apologized. Really changed the mood for me for this weekend. I hope it keeps up.

<3

:: 2006 15 June :: 9.38 am

Wow, so talk about a shitty day. The first bad day i've had in MONTHS. Me and Allix's friendship is over. Kelly's having an emotional breakdown. Ben I don't even have words for. Eric calls at 2 in the morning..

Allix....has not returned a call in weeks. Does not ever want to hang out. Doesn't answer texts. Only responds on myspace if I initiate the conversation. We used to be so close. She's moved on. Which is fine. I'm tired of trying to keep her as a friend. It's so much more painful than it's worth. She just doesn't seem to care anymore. Got a whole new list of friends...so toss caity to the side...she'll be around. Fraid not folks. I'm so sick of being used. So that kind of sucks...we were inseparable for so long...and now I can't get near her. But times change, people change...and it's something I can live with...there's not really much to miss. She's hasn't been a FRIEND to me in so long.

Kelly calls me sobbing at 11pm last night. She made out with Mike. She was drunk. And driving home. So I had to get the story out of her, and try to make sure she calmed down enough to not get pulled over by a cop. :-( And now she doesn't know what to do...because she likes david. And mike still has a girlfriend. And she missed a test this morning because she forgot to do it last night. So now she really has to work hard to pass the class. She passed out about the time eveyrthing crashed down.

Ben was the most awful person i can think of last night. He tried to get me to deal with the fact that HE is hurting over breaking up with me. Sorry, that's not how it works. I can't handle that right now. Then he subtly alluded to suicide. I flipped out on him. Alot. Fuck that....that is SOOO unfair and hurtful. And the way he said it "i'm not saying i am, i'm not saying i'm not". If he had been in front of me, I would have tried my best to break his jaw. To be TEASING about that. And then on top of it he tried to tell me that it's not possible for me to acknowledge his hurt but not accept it. Excuse me. i think I make my own decisions and live my own life. He is not capable of telling me what I feel or think.

Eric called me about the time me and ben's WONDERFUL conversation was wrapping up. He was out partying with a couple of people from work, because they don't have to work today. Then there were dropped calls, drunken misunderstandings (he thought I was yelling at him), more calls back and forth, (i got to talk to one of his friends though, justin...nice kid...he's one of the guys I haven't met yet...doesn't work with us), and then he called at 2 am because he forgot that he'd talked to me sporadically throughout the night. This part wasn't entirely bad. With Eric and Justin drunk calling me and joking with me, I was able to calm down a little. But it was stressful dealing with their antics while dealing with everyhting else.

Crappy night. Ended up sleeping after eric called the last time, but exhausted. However, still can't wait for this weekend....it's now a needed reprieve. more later?

:: 2006 14 June :: 9.38 am

2 days left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SO EXCITED! I can't wait....I can barely sit still at work....I just want it to be friday alreadY!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and i still have to sit through class tomorrow night...that is gonna last FOREVER. We have this substitute for this week....I swear to god, she's a third grade teacher. I completely felt like she was talking down to us...it was humiliating...we're not retarded, we've all seen the information before, it's a second semester chem class! :-( The test wasn't TOO bad though I don't think.....I knew all the right formulas to use...I'm worried I made stupid mistakes or something...but I think it will turn out to be fairly decent.

Hmmmm...I picked ben up monday night in woodstock and drove him home. That was interesting. I'm glad I did it in the end though. After taking him home, I realized that I don't have to fear getting back together with him. When I looked him in the eyes, I felt this wave of relief...like i just KNOW now that I WON'T do anything with him, didn't feel that tug of emotion to go right back to him. Before monday, I wasn't 100% sure....I hadn't seen him for more than a few minutes since I've been home...but after I left, I just felt...good. Strong. Sure of myself. And then yesterday, he said he didn't understand what I meant by 'it not being good towards the end.'..........SO i really lit into him. Released a bit of the hurt he caused. Dangling things like marriage in front of my face and then ripping them away when he felt like it. Calling me unattractive....I always thought I HAD to have him...loved him so much that I would actually put up with that shit...FUCK THAT....NO girl deserves that and NO girl should EVER have to deal with that. I think he finally got a GLIMPSE of how deep he hit. I've babied him....no more. He's gonna get the cold hard truth because its just not worth it for me to mince words for his heart's sake...not after what he did with mine. I'll always love him....and I want to be his friend....but anything more than that is completely out of the question right now.

K, back to other things because that's put me in a distressed mood and I'm not a fan. Went and talked with Marie last night for about an hour...it was great because we've played phone tag for the past like month...I still hadn't even really told her about Marquette the first time around! It was a grand talk....we talked about what we always end up talking about, but we also discussed school and other stuff....she's gonna try to come up with me one of the next times i head up to northern to see if it's better the second time around...hahaha.

Got to talk to Eric last night...unexpected cuz I figured he'd be asleep by the time i got out of class...they had to work a 16 hour day yesterday..(530am-930pm)....ugh. But he was still up so we talked for most of my ride home...its becoming a tues-thurs tradition. lol. We've actually talked every day i think since he got back from cancun. I told him about taking ben home and what I realized...he wouldn't let me tell him at first because he thought it was gonna be bad news for him....it was kinda cute...lol...he kept rambling about random shit so i couldn't talk because he didn't want to hear it if it was gonna hurt him...so I told him if he didn't shutup I wasn't coming this weekend. After he finally let me tell him, we talked about it for a little bit...relationships and such...it was a good talk, really relaxed and open. I think telling him also really calmed ANY fears HE may have had about me going back to ben. Talk eventually got silly...we joke around CONSTANTLY...i usually crack up for half the ride home. And I told him how I kinda held back memorial day weekend, because I basically didn't want to scare him away...LOL. That's why I didn't get QUITE so drunk....that AND i wanted to remember everything that happened. But he told me that he didn't think there was anything I could do that he wouldn't like and want....told me to just be myself this weekend and not worry about holding back....so this weekend could be even more interesting than last time...hahaha.

OH, and we decided we're going drink for drink on friday. I always joke with him that I could drink him under the table...and we always say we're gonna go shot for shot...well, friday we're actually doing it. !!! :-D I'm SOOOO gonna lose. But I say drink for drink because I know we'll have beer and liquor....and since I drink beer so much slower than he does, the rule is that he isn't allowed to start another drink until i'm done...this way we consume the same amount of alcohol in the same time. I'm HOPING that I don't end up hugging the toilet...but if I do...haha, it will be worth it just for the sake of the game. Plus, I throw up once and then I'm fine (however, I've only really ever thrown up once period...)(the only other time, I forced myself because I felt so ridiculously sick). SOOOO, depending on just how much alcohol we end up drinking...we're both gonna be RIDICULOUSLY hung over, but HOPEFULLY have a spectacular night in many different ways. Gah, I can almost feel the hangover already....its not gonna be pretty. lol. But oh so worth it, especially if I don't give in. He's not gonna win this one. Well, he will....he has a MUCH higher tolerance for alcohol than I do...but hopefully I'll at least put up a good fight. I have a pretty damn good tolerance myself. :-)

Ooooo, and he got his fake from nick last night (literally, nick's old ID...lol), and it actually worked at the spot! hahaha, and the spot is only 2 blocks from his apt (it's this cute little booze store)...so he's superstoked. Now he can get beer WHENEVER he wants...so he's gonna be broke from this point forward...hahaha. Nah, he's actually been doin better...not drinkin quite as much...I'm pretty proud of him for slowin up a bit.

CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIT!!!!! When I go to class tomorrow, I want to head to the bookstore and get a shotglass from there...I've decided I'm going to start collecting them. :-) Need one from every school and place I go. Plus right now I only have two...and I need to bring them with this weekend....taking shots of Jose straight from the bottle usually actually ends up being a double or triple shot...and that kinda stings a bit goin down. And I don't know about this mescal (the tequila from cancun)...eric said it's pretty strong shit....so more than a shot may be dangerous lol.

Can't wait to see him....I can't get those eyes out of my head. They've sucked me in....honestly...they're so deep and *hazel*...not really...theyre a stunning deep brown...I just like to give him shit. I think they blow me away so much because he doesn't look away when I'm talking to him...just looks right back into my eyes. It's INCREDIBLE. And a hug....I love hugs more than ANYTHING else in the world...and his just wrap me up completely. And this is one thing that originally caught me off guard...he doesn't wear cologne...so he just smells all clean and manly....lol...which i never really thought I would enjoy....but when i'm wrapped up in one of those hugs, its amazing! Oh....and a kiss. I want a kiss like I want to breathe. He gives the most amazing little kisses...there doesn't have to be any sexual attitude behind it...just sweet kisses...I want the other kisses too, but at first I just want a long sweet kiss....one of those 'damn, i missed you' kisses. BEER KISSES (which literally mean kisses after he's had a couple, when he smells and tastes just lightly of beer...even before i really gained my taste for beer, i would always ask for beer kisses...) There are other things I want too...but a girl doesn't kiss and tell. ;-)

One of my favorite things in the world are the sweet kisses. Why? Because they don't HAVE to be sexual. Because they have a bunch of emotion, but its not 'hey lets go in the bedroom'. It's more 'hey pretty lady, i like you...alot...in and out of the bedroom'. hahaha. .......i remember the first time we ever hung out....we were both drunk, though by the end of our 6-hour talk, we had started sobering up. Right when we started talking, he told he me he wasn't going to kiss me. He didn't want the first time he ever kissed me to be when we were drunk....and it was worth the wait.

I'm off in lala land, can ya tell?? Rambling on about all of this...hahaha...i'm just in a good mood today and missin Eric a bit. But we're not together....right?....lol. The logistics of this whole thing is all messy, but I'm so comfortable with it....comfortable NOT calling him my boyfriend right now. I can't wait to see what happens.

Ok, i'm slowly winding down from my talkative stretch, so i'm gonna go do some work for awhile.... :-)

:: 2006 12 June :: 9.18 am

Ugh...after a real day off, I don't want to be back at work...especially when I'm dreading my chem test tomorrow and know I have to study all night tonihgt. :-( And I'd just love to take a nap...already...lol.

OoOoooOOoooOO....I DID leave my glasses at Eric's last time! He found them under his bed yesterday...yay! I was starting to fear I'd lost them forever...and I adore those glasses. :-) Only 4 full days left. Can't wait...still a little nervous, but you know what? If I wasn't nervous, I think it would be a sign that I didn't care. So I guess it's a good thing. And I'm not as nervous about HIM...more so about Kelly having a good time.

Rawr......k, I'm sick of talking about this....not really...more that I just feel like I'm constantly repeating myself. lol. I feel bad for anyone who reads this...I'm like a broken record. I can't help it though. I like him...tons...and I want him to like me back just as much. And I just want to be happy. :-) :-D :-) :-D I can't wait to see him. Thinking about his hugs makes me smile and talking to him makes my day. IT's really cute too....he wants us to stop at his place first, so he can come with when we go see campus and take kel to the bookstore. I'm amused because its so obvious that we like each other, but we both try to subtly hide it. I don't know about him, but I think it's cuz of our 'unrelationship'...hahaha....I don't want to push him. So i hide or hold back some of my feeling. But it's still there. When he's so far away, I start to forget all the little things he did that weekend....but when i think about it....that boy just treats me right. And that makes me amazingly happy. All the little things. football on the beach, catnaps, beer kisses, eggs for breakfast, fuckin monopoly, books all day on the couch, 'take my knife...just in case, ok?', sand all over, 'gimme a kiss', layin in bed, jumping off cliffs together, garlic breath, 'if he touches you, ill kill him' (in reference to creepy tim next door), pictures, holdin my hand and hugging me tight, 'you probably didn't even notice all the little things i did this weekend....when i care about someone, i like to show them' (oh i noticed), oh those eyes.

When i keep all that in mind, it helps me not spaz out. I don't think I have anything to worry about. Eric is amazing, and he cares about me. And i can't wait to see him again.

FUCK...ASSS....I just added a BUNCH to this entry and it didn't save it. DAMNIT. Oh well...I'll just start from where i was kinda.

I was talking about how much i miss my camera already, because I take so many damn pictures. Kelly doesn't plan on being sober this entire weekend basically. She said she'll be LESS drunk when we cliffjump but thats about it. I don't plan on doing QUITE that, but at least one night, I want to get gone. Probably blackout drunk lol. Those are fun...I don't know whether its good or bad that I've experienced it. I like it because it's hysterical to hear the things you did....but bad because you have NO memory of doing it. Which is where the camera comes into play. It documents all that crazy shit. Like at Eric's kegger....on top of slamming my head into the couch, I apparently fell backwards onto the floor and cracked my head...which REALLY explains my head hurting for about 2 weeks after it (in hindsight, i probably had a concussion). There's a picture of it...somehow eric managed to get on top of me...I don't know if he fell with me?? I honestly don't remember it AT ALL....Dana mentioned it and I was absolutely CLUELESS....I don't even know at this point how long i was blackout for....I don't remember how long they were over, or when they left or anything...I just remember crashing that night in Eric's room and him coming in a few minutes later to tuck me in and curl up next to me. WIthout the camera...I wouldn't have believed that had happened...I FELL BACKWARDS....but the picture...and my FACE in the picture...oh yeah...i DEFINITELY believe i fell backwards.....hahaha. I love the drunk pictures me and eric take together. We almost always have one of us with our tongues out and lookin all sloppy drunk. lol. LOVE it. It amazes me because he loves taking pictures with me...even though he told me he doesn't like them when we first started hanging out. He lets me take PLENTY of him, though he's much more willing if it's one of both of us. He even TAKES pictures of us. The pictures make me happy because it gives me something to see when i miss him. And it reminds me of all the silly things we do.

This weekend is gonna be SOooooo interesting. I told kelly she's not allowed to look hot...which is impossible for her...because I told her with my luck eric will find her extremely attractive, and i will have to kil lher. :-D There will be tons of alcohol (including a bottle of tequila with a worm!!! eric gets the worm...but me and kel are both gonna take at least a shot...i'll probalby be in love with that bottle at some point...hahaha, o how i adore my tequila...except eric said theres a bunch of 'floaties' in the tequila from the worm...EWWWWWWWW....but hey, gotta try everything once...i just wish he'd gotten the bottle with two worms...i TOTALLY would have done it with him!), hopefully there will be alot of people, ERIC, and some decent weather to hit up black rocks and maybe the beach.

Oh I know another thing I forgot from last time...talked to benj for a little bit this morning...he left me an amazing message on msn last night. Said things I never expected him to say....and i respect it a great deal. I know it was hard for him to do.

I keep bouncing between being excited and nervous...I just have to not let it worry me. Relax and have a blast with him....I only get to see him for 3 days...i want to enjoy every second. :-) Cannot wait to get wrapped up in a hug though. And a kiss....and beer kisses. Love those to pieces. Oh he just drives me nuts....klsjdfadsf;laks;jfasdf. I hate the effect he has on me...its SOOO powerful. ALrihgt...i'm off to get some work done.

:: 2006 11 June :: 11.52 pm

Yeah, i definitely ended up doing NOTHING the WHOLE day...literally. I won that camera on ebay though! YAY! Now I just have to cross my fingers and HOPE that it gets here before friday! If I can't take pictures this weekend, there will be tears...many of them. :-(

analyzed for a good portion of the day. Realized i'm freaking out way too much. relaxed about it. I just want to have a good time. And right now, he adds to my happiness a great deal. So i'm going to enjoy it...enjoy every last second i get to spend with him. It does scare me that i could fall for him. Terrifies me actually. I don't think Eric will ever hurt me. If he does, he'll at least be open, honest, and straight about it. No dancing around.

blah...i'm too tired to actually go into it. Basically, i'm just afraid of being vulnerable. But I can easily see myself falling for him....he makes me happy. I guess we'll see how it plays out.

talked to my friend aj tonight...which rocked. She started seeing her friend andy a little after me and eric started hanging out...love her to pieces...we had some good talks in minnesota at the honors conference. (which was like 5 days after ben dumped me). She gave me some great advice and talked to me about her relationship that had recently ended. We bonded over it and some deep throat shots...lol. That was definitely an amazing weekend and i'm glad we've stayed friends. She's an amazing person. We may room together winter semester...we discussed it tonight...but neither of us wants to really leave our respective halls....so we'll see.

k, i'm gonna go study.

night

:: 2006 11 June :: 6.06 pm

*yawn* talk about a lazy day! I have literally done nothing...and it feels AMAZING...because I haven't gotten to do this in over a month! :-) However, the awesome feeling is starting to fade. lol. I'm getting slightly bored...but I think me and kel are gonna do something tonight so that should get me out of the boredom. :-) Hahahah, i haven't even taken a shower yet. EWWWW. But I don't really feel gross. I worked out a little, but it was just calisthetics so it didn't really work up a sweat.

Ugh...so my camera completely kicked the bucket last night. It just totally stopped working...won't even turn on. So now I'm bidding on one on ebay for like 20 bucks. It won't be orange...which is very sad..but i love the camera, so i'll live with silver or blue. :-P It sucks that I can't get the orange one again, but olympus discontinued the camera. very sad. Oh well.

5 days till marquette! I can't wait....nervous again though. What if kel doesn't like him?? lol...not that they haven't talked on the phone together a bunch of times. I think I'm just afraid that she will think my friends and the life I lead up there are stupid. Cuz it's a little different from the way things go down here. It's ALOT more laid-back and goofy. We just all hang out and have a good time. I don't know....I hope it all works out. I really want the weekend to go good. I'm excited about the car ride....me and kel are making a bunch of supersilly mixes to jam out to on the way up there...and for a 7am leave time...we're gonna need the wakeup music! But kel wants to see campus and hit the bookstore, so we have to make sure to leave early enough.

I'm on one of my analysis kicks.....ick. Trying to figure out how much I really like Eric and whatnot. :-\ I want to make sure that I a) don't get my heart hurt and b) don't hurt him. I don't want him to be a rebound. And I don't want to expect anything. Don't want to expect things this weekend...don't want to expect a 'relationship attitude', don't want to expect that one will happen in the fall. Just relax and have some fun. Which is more me from so so long ago. What...sophmore year?? Get drunk and sleep around....i believe that was my goal. Which isn't exactly how it's going. But I love how it IS going. I read something in cosmo today....it was an article about brittany murphy and it quoted her saying "I waited to kiss Joe because he didn't want to be a rebound guy. Now we're making up for lost time." I laughed. Because we don't want to be rebounds....but we're not letting that stop the fun. As much as I thought the first time up there would be a determining weekend, this one is just as much. I think it will determine if we were rebounding that weekend, or if it means something. It has me freaking out....because what i feel doesn't feel like a rebound....and i'm scared that his might. Or not so much a rebound, but just not serious...then again...I think I'm just being really stupid. Blah...see this is what I get for THINKING TOO MUCH! Damnit. I'm determined not to fall back into that hole. I've only just crawled out of it.

I just need to have fun. If things are gonna happen with Eric, they'll find a way of happening. If not....then i REALLY get to enjoy college. After Ben broke up with me, quite a few of my guy friends said they had crushes on me and just never let me know cuz i was taken. So i'm not too concerned with finding a little fun. Then again...if nothing happens with Eric, it's not like I won't enjoy the relaxation of NO BOYS! Hahaha. Actually focus on school for awhile. Not that I wouldn't still see him all the time. We still work together....and we're keeping our friendship no matter what.

Alright, well i'm gonna head out for now...i'll probably write more later, just because i'm being superanalyzy and there's alot of thoughts swirlin around. :-\ Gotta chill before friday so its good to just write it all out. :-)

:: 2006 11 June :: 1.36 am

Just a quick update because i'm exhausted.

Had my friest lab today....that was actaully kind of fun. I'm not looking at the keyboard as I type (i'm laying down and the comp is in my lap...too tred to look...so this mayb be hard to understand. )Then got cuteish and went with kel to crystal lake. We did a bit of shopping, went out to dinner APPLEBEES yay! and then went and saw the breakup....WORST movie i have EVER seen in my life. WE nearly walked out...numerous times. lol.

A little sad cuz i had a tiny chance of seeing eric tonight (he got back from cancun). But on the other hand really happy because he got to see his friends. I told him if he had the chance, to hang out with them, not try to see me. He gets to see me for 9 months straight soon, (AND NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!! :-D)....he NEVER gets to see his friends back here. I would never want to step in the way of him seeing them. So i'll live...it would have been awesome to see him, but there's only like 6 days left till i get to see him....and the night was still a BLAST with kelly....so it all worked out. :-D

k, bed...sooooooo tired...no more than 7 hours of sleep the past 48 hours. :-( ut tomeorow i get to sleep in! DAMN...i type well without looking! :-) night night.

:: 2006 9 June :: 11.55 am

7 days. :-) There are stupid things in the way though. Kelly found out that even though she took off the whole weekend, she's scheduled. So she's going in today to fix that. She only took off 5 days the whole summer and they've scheduled her for two of the 5 already! :-( Hopefully that will get straightened out. Ummm, the weather next weekend.....not so great. Only like 70 degrees, and a bit on the rainy side. :-( Friday won't matter, cuz we're havin the kegger (hopefully on that one), but saturday and sunday we wanted to get out and DO stuff. I dunno. Saturday looks like it will be ok...no rain then and the warmest day. Which is when we'll prolly go cliffjumping. :-D And freeze our little asses off. Hahaha.

Ok, those are actually the only two stupid things in the way....which isn't really much at all. Hopefully the work thing is fixable, and the weather isn't THAT bad. :-)

I really want to stay up there next summer. And the summer after that. And basically not come back to marengo too much. Which is sad in a way. But Marquette has pulled me in, body and soul. I'm so attached to that landscape and the atmosphere that it drives me insane. When I think of next weekend, the train of thought almost ALWAYS goes, mountains, beach, cliffjumping, eric, friends. Right now the only thing holding me back is the internship at Abbott that I planned on doing next summer. I don't know if I want to give that up. :-\ It's a GREAT opportunity. One of the best I could get. but it would literally break my heart to spend another summer away from marquette. i just don't know. I'm really honestly torn. I'm going to see if there are any labs around marquette. That would be ideal. It would probably make me the happiest woman on earth....play in a lab during the day, play on the beach at night. ^_^

I should be more tired today. Last night I stayed late at class to work on my labs with two other girls. Left at like 1030, then met kath at the truck stop and we sat and talked till almost 2. I considered not doing it...asking her for a raincheck. But then I realized that tiredness doesn't matter. Friends matter. And I'm glad I chose the truck stop. It wasn't spectacularly amazing or anything. She gave me a bit of advice, we traded some amazing stories, i got to tell her all about when I went up to marquette, and we ate some fries and pie...hahaha. But if I could go back and do it again, that's exactly what I would do. Enjoy those few latenight hours, even though it means a sleep-deprived day. Because if you stop making time for your friends, what do you have left?? Work?? There's plenty of time for that soul-sucker when I'm out of college. Right now work is just the stealer of my day. But my nights....my nights are mine. And I choose to spend them with people I love. You can recover sleep...you can't recover time.

I've been writing alot lately. That makes me incredibly happy. These journal entries have been stretching on for days, and even though a major topic in them is Eric, there's still plenty of other stuff that I'm discovering and thinking about. I can almost feel myself changing. Or winding down from the change. I guess I just feel like a slightly different person. The me from 3 months ago would not have gone to the truck stop that late after work and class. I would have bitched about it and then gone to bed. I'm trying to take a more laid-back approach to life....really just enjoy it as much as I can. And it's turning out better than I ever could have expected. My friendships are growing stronger with people every day, I'm not NEARLY as tired as I probably should be, I go on runs without even thinking about exercising or losing weight...i just love the smells and watching the sunset as i jog. I've been laughing SOOO much. When me and Kelly get together, damn, we laugh for days on end i swear. We crack each other up (People in glass houses sink ships...what's the symbology there, fuck ass?.....oh boondock...we make our OWN quotes). I've found myself actually SMILING when i fall asleep on numerous occasions. No specific reason...i'll just be dozing off and i'll suddenly realize that i have a smile on my face. It's a damn good feeling.

*daydreaming*

My mom took my camera in today for me. The little button that holds the battery down broke off (AGES ago...like in March). I'm HOPING they'll be able to fix it easily...I don't want to trash the camera and I don't want to have to send it to Olympus, because I take pictures CONSTANTLY. Plus, knowing my procrastination (I STILL haven't sent in my mp3 player), I won't have it till like November...and i would DIE. I love that little camera WAY too much. I just have to be more careful with when intoxicated...that's how it broke. I dropped it and then the name of the game for the night was "make sure caity doesn't drop the camera again and AHHHH SHIT find the little piece that broke off......AGAIN" I think we all crawled around on the floor probably 7 or 8 times because I would drop the little piece out of the battery compartment....I was dumb (read: drunk) enough to keep opening it.

Alright, back to work for now. Maybe some more rambling later. :-D

:: 2006 8 June :: 9.52 am

rawr. happy. I got to go for a run last night...it felt so amazing! I went kinda slow because I haven't been out in awhile, but I still ran the same amount and in just about the same time (so I guess i wasn't going THAT slow). However, the crappy part was that the humidity meant I was hotter than hades. I think I probably sweated off 20 lbs! lol. I've set myself a goal on how much water I drink..I've been insanely dehydrated lately and that really blows...so I'm fixing it. :-)

I don't know what to do about ben. Everyone is telling me to just cut him out of my life for a couple of months. Like take him off my buddy list, out of my phone book, just completely sever ties. Quite a few people I know have done it and it's really helped on both ends, and now they have great friendships with their exes. And yeah, it would be sad to not talk to him for that long, But things have been difficult lately. We talked a few days ago and I told him that I was concerned about the way he was bouncing around and breakin girls' hearts. He got all upset and so we decided we just wouldn't discuss relationships with each other. Then he dove right in to the little inuendos........which just don't hold the same appeal to me. I just end up feeling bad for megan of all people. (I'm not necessarily a fan of her...because I'm convinced she liked him long before we ever broke up...but that's not important) And then yesterday he made some comment aobut Eric liking my antenna topper...and it just came out as kinda mean. Or sarcastic. I thought we weren't going to discuss relationships. I don't want to sit there and tell him that he jokingly gives me crap about the bunny and the car (because I named it Bianca)...and then I threaten to sleep in Bianca and he wraps me up in a hug and tells me no way; that he makes fun of it because I told him to work on being more of a bastard because he's just too damn nice to me. That's something I laughingly tell Kelly, but me and benj are still just too damn awkward for me to tell him that without feeling out of place. So what to do?

That one will take some consideration.

Got to talk to Eric for a bit last night. makes it easier to not miss him. His mom picked up the phone though, which freaked me out a little bit. He told me the day before that (YAY) tricia and her got along really well. Not the greatest thing to tell me....lol. But the only reason he DID tell me was to say that he told her that if we ever got serious, he thinks we'd get along great. Which is a small comfort, but I'm not sure it outweighs the nervous factor! hahaha...now i'm pretty much anxious about ever meeting her. Oh well...if it happens, I'll just have to deal with it.

I still love that we're not together. Yeah, we're half together, but I LOVE that I'm still free to choose. Especially with him. It's obvious that I care about him a TON (otherwise certain things would NOT have happened the weekend i was up there), but I don't want to make a mistake, jump into a relationship with him, and then backpedal out of it because it's too soon. I think by fall (if things go well for the rest of the summer), I may be ready for a relationship, to be exclusive and taken again. To trust my heart in someone else's hands (even though he already has a bit of it) and see where it takes me. I want to learn more about him. I've realized lately that college makes for very different timing and everything basically of relationships. Back here, I pretty much knew everyone I dated. Had known them for years. But this is interesting, because I don't know Eric in the intimate way you know people from your own town. And I want to know him like that. Or at least better.

Eric is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Regardless of my feelings for him. Yeah, he's got his flaws - PLENTY of them. And I acknowledge them. But he still manages to amaze me. He's got a plan for his life - he wants to be a stuntsman.........BUT, he recognizes that that is slightly unpractical, so he's getting a business degree and if he can't make it as a stuntsman, he can start his own business, and fall back on that degree. His tattoo and the ones he's planning on are in places that can easily be covered...a businessman can't have them showing. He has his finances in impeccable order. He hunted and found his own apartment, asked jason to be his roomate, and pays for it himself. He takes responsibility for his actions and doesn't believe booze is ANY excuse for anything stupid he does. He's INCREDIBLY respectful. Case in point, he knows that for whatever reason, I hate my father. Any time the topic comes up, he casually switches the subject and moves away from it, because he knows i'm uncomfortable...and i'm confident that when i DO feel comfortable talking to him about it, he'll listen. He's smart, smarter than I admittedly expected. He loves his family and protects his little sister. He holds and opens doors for little old ladies :-)

And as for me, he treats me AMAZINGLY well. I did jokingly tell him he needs to be more of a bastard to me, cuz I'm just not used to how good he is to me. He reads books with me for hours on the couch. He always makes sure my drink is full (alcoholicly and not). He holds my hand (one of those little things I've never gotten to experience). He seeks me out to give me beer kisses just because he knows how much i LOVE them! He's not afraid to give me a kiss in public (another one of those little things). He makes me breakfast. He tells me when I look amazing. When we go for a hike, he watches me and is there to catch me if I stumble. He's protective without getting in my way of having fun. He doesn't stop me or hold me back from doing anything i want (it's all MY decision). He keeps eye contact when we talk...i'm used to people looking away. He watches me when he thinks I don't notice. ^_^ He's just as sarcastic as I am (I don't want to see you till NEXT finals week, ok?? Hmmm...no I don't think I can handle you that soon). He has my interests as a friend and person in mind - he held back from taking that last step before the end of the year because he thought i'd get right back together with ben when i went home...and he didn't want to mess with that if it was going to happen. The best part - there is NO bullshit between us. We talk openly. No lies. And we don't hide our feelings. I intend on keeping that up forever. An added bonus - we both have the same view...we'll try anything once. ;-) (well he says three times...by the third time it's at least not awkward....so if you still hate it, then its done lol)

There are flaws. He drinks too much, often to excess. Which gets him in trouble on campus. it's a damn good thing he's off now. He has a temper. He swears...ALOT. he listens to slayer (hahahaha, not quite a flaw...it just frightens me...lol). So there is PLENTY of bad. But I look at it this way. A) I'm not marrying him....we're not even in a relationship. So I'm not going to stop him...unless he starts endangering his life....then i'd step up and stop his ass. B) He's come to realize that he just doesn't want to drink as much as he has been, so he's actually lightened up on it, and plans to continue that C) he at least knows enough not to swear in front of adults and kids. D) I told him that if he EVER, in any way shape or form, lashes out against me when I don't deserve it, I'm gone, friend or otherwise. I've decided walking on eggshells just isn't worth it. I end up with a broken heart. He also knows that if he blatantly lies to me, he can basically just stop talking to me. But I don't think he ever would.

The good outweighs the bad...by a ton in my opinion. Yet I'm still scared. Afraid of falling for him and loving him too much...that screwed me before. But he's unlike anyone I've met before. He talks to my mom and my sister whenever they call....my mom cracks up and they argue over whether or not he's going to get me to stop twirling my hair :-P He just AMAZES me....with everything he does....and everything he is ;-) but I'm still super-scared...a little. hahaha...i don't even know. I go back and forth with everything. How much I like him, whether or not I want a relationship with him, how scared i am. I'm crazy. He's got me all messed up....but at least i've got him all messed up too. We're still on the same page. The way I see it, we're both standing on the same spot...and we just didn't expect anyone else to be there. I think maybe one night before bed...or maybe one morning......hungover talks are at least sober...lol, I'll tell him all of this. I think he's assumed most of it...he's never pushed me with anything. Not about anything emotional or physical. However, one arm lifting me up onto the counter to kiss me is damn good temptation. Hmmm...we're actually not as sexual as we could be. Which is kinda nice. There's PLENTY of time in there for that, don't get me wrong....but it's absolutely awesome to sit and read together, or go play football down at the beach. And he has the SAME idea I do about it - people who live till their 50th anniversary arent' still together because they have a great sex life...they're best friends. He literally said almost the exact same thing. He just said, you can't have sex ALL the time. you have to be able to do other stuff with the person, have a good time WITHOUT jumping in bed. And so far we've had a blast together, in bed and out. :-P hahaha. 8 more days....then we'll see how it goes. I don't think I'm gonna call him tonight...I don't want to be clingy....lol. Plus then talkin to him friday will be more worth it...we'll both have more to say (not that we ever run out of things to talk about) and I'll have time to miss him. :-P Ok, I MUST go get some work done...i've barely done anything today! Too many little thoughts swirling through this crazy head of mine. Like the best bedroom eyes I've ever seen.....and jumping off of cliffs...and debating whether or not to let myself really care for him...maybe even fall.

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