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...even artichokes have hearts

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Shoe23

:: 2005 30 April :: 5.30pm

. Excuse the mess, I didn't see you from behind .
. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection's only mine .
. It's .almost. like I'm paralyzed and locked outside myself .
. What I don't need is to concede because I won't be someone else .
. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be .
. And if that's what you wanted .
. Well then I'm so sorry .
..
. How about a better version of, the way that I am .
. How about a better version that, makes me understand .
. How about a better version of, the way that I am .
. The way I look, The way I speak .
. How about a better version of me .


. As I go, remember all the simple things you know about me .
. and I still hope, that you will miss me when I'm gone .
.. I'm gone ..


.. everyone has their day to die ..

3 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 26 April :: 10.15pm

Oprah probably wasn't the best choice of things for me to watch today.

I wonder why it is I always relate myself to things.. and also why I take things so personally. I take almost everything personal I just don't let it bother me too much. Okay, that's a lie. I let everything bother me. Just a quite practical flaw.

...and yes, I know.. the world must revolve around you.

Two people in the senior class are starting to really sicken me. Ellen, you know who one of them happens to be. The other one always seems to fall behind like my shadow. She's always there.

I think I may have made a bad turn when I became so sarcastic. It's made people believe I'm a person that I try hard not to be. Atleast as I learned today. A few comments from here and there shot me down damn fast. Thats okay.. everyone is misunderstood to a certain level.

Tomorrow night.. Bolivar, finally. I have to stop and take care of my parking ticket and then drop by Russell Cellular and buy something then to Wal*Mart for my grandmother. Fun times, eh?

Since I'm not too capable of functioning properly, I'll talk to all of you who matter tomorrow at one time or another.

how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 25 April :: 4.10pm

I'm exhausted. It's probably from doing nothing.. well, except all of those things I do that I shouldn't, I'm good at making people proud.

I also plan on getting absolutely wasted the last few chances I have. Friday night to start things off right in the wrong direction.

Whatever... screw it all...
-chances
-change
-a new beginning
-trying
-succeeding
-being safe
.or simply just.
-...life.

-update-
People who don't care enough to let people know that plans change just really piss me off. I should've known it would be this way. One more reason to not be assistant coach.. not that I don't want to be. I wonder if she asked me just for the hilarity. Whatever, at least I'm attempting to be dedicated.

.can I break away?.
. push me away .
. make me fall .
. just to see another side of me .
. push me away .
. you can see what I see .
. the other side of me .

how time passes...


jaganshi

:: 2005 24 April :: 10.26pm

For Caro

Love gives you wings. It makes you fly. I don't even call it love. I call it Geronimo. When you're in love, you'll jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care -- screaming 'Geronimo' the whole way down.

how time passes...


Jaganshi

:: 2005 24 April :: 12.28am

I should never take just one or two shots late at night.
Get all melancholy.

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 23 April :: 7.10pm

Friday was awesome. I had more fun on Senior Skip Day than I've ever had any other time with my class. It was loads of fun. Everyone there I could stand. No one was stupid and everyone was fairly mellow. It was just simple and fun. Too bad it was so windy and cold. It was alright though. After being a Capalinger [sp?] Mills the entire morning the party migrated to Angie's place of residence. I went to Bolivar because I wasn't feeling so great. So, I hung out at Tiff's house until I lost most of my spaciness. Then, back to Angie's where I drank and did a few other things. My father actually gave me permission to stay out until 1 a.m. since I wasn't "running around". I stopped drinking around 12 so I had an hour to get a little aware of the surroundings before driving home. It was just so unbelievable fun, the entire day. Hopefully grad. party will be just as fun. I'm not driving home from it though, there's no way I'll be able to.

Anyway, the weekend started off great. Today had a bit of a turn to it though. My family went to Springfield. It wasn't too bad on the way there. My mother, grandmother and I always go in while my father and grandfather stay in the vehicle. One of us three always call one of them to come and pick us up from a certain exit door. Today, my father just takes off before my mother could get in and he just starts driving away with her holding onto the car, basically dragging. So she yells "Danny! Danny!" and he slams on his brakes and she slams into the door. Not one word was spoken after that. It was just... strange. So, he's pissed at the world because she can't jump in the moving vehicle and she's pissed at him for being such an ass.

I don't know if anything is going on tonight, I'm in the mood to migrate for a while. I should call Angie and see what's up.

Tomorrow, Bolivar for sure.. to where, not sure. Either your place or just with the family. I'll see which when I find out from you what your plans are.

Back to shit Monday. Softball practice Monday night at 8.. or 8:30, don't remember. I have to change my weekly Bolivar plans now because of it.. unless I say I can't do it. I'm not good at changing things around successfully. Unless I go Sunday nights and stay and stay Wednesday nights or something. I just don't know. I really need someone to schedule and change everything for me. Don't we all?

-since then-

I love when people you thought didn't even exist anymore call you up and want a favor. Then they just hang up when you tell them you can't leave. Like it was my fault!?

better than that...

Happy 1 month Birthday Irvin!!
What a crazy thought, I can't believe it's already been a month, before anyone knows it, he'll be 18. Unbelievable. It's kinda cool lil' Irv and I have something celebrate on the same day. Well, his day shall be celebrated mine just remembered.

how time passes...


Jaganshi

:: 2005 22 April :: 5.10pm

Apocalyptic Hail
Recently (in the last few minutes) 1/2 to 3/4 inch hailstones created whiteout conditions on the Butler campus for about fifteen minutes.
There is now about an inch of rolling ice on the ground in seventy-degree weather.

This has been your latest weather update from FUCKING INDIANA! Damn the weather here is odd.

Last night the thunderstorms were so loud they set off car alarms. -_-'

3 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...


jaganshi

:: 2005 22 April :: 11.21am

If Butler were Mainframe.... I think we all know who I'd be.
Not even a question, is it?
Though, I'm probably closer to Sprite Hex than original viral Hex, now. Brian fixed my mask.


"I simply adore children. But I could never eat a whole one."

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 20 April :: 7.00pm

I'm not sure how to describe today. I wasn't any different. You know me, I don't ever change externally. But.. Ellen was happy, I noticed that made some other people glow as well. I didn't even see Evan enough to talk to him. Everyone else was about the same I think, I don't really pay attention. I don't care enough to.

Happy Birthday to Adolf Hitler -and- Carmen Electra. Also, hoo-ray for all of you pot smokers, hope you had fun.

Quote of the day:

"The latest definition of an optimist is one who fills up his crossword puzzle in ink."
- Clement King Shorter


My great-grandfathers auction is May 2nd, my mother gave me a bill of sale today. Made me kinda sad. "Due to the recent death of Perry Johnson, we will sell the following described merchandise at the home located at 224 N. Flint in Bolivar, MO."...there goes the rest of his life.

I'm so cynical it sometimes sickens even me. It's just who I am. Looking at life as "everything happens for a reason" is alright but when you're happy because of it.. if that gives you peace of mind, you're the one that needs help, not me.
...even those who never frown will eventually break down...

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...


jaganshi

:: 2005 19 April :: 9.44pm

Panzer Cardinal Selected as Pope
http://www.guardian.co.uk/pope/story/0,12272,1463902,00.html#article_continue


Profile: Joseph Ratzinger
From Hitler Youth to the Vatican
Bavarian who deserted Wehrmacht was a liberal but turned to conservatism in face of 1968 student rebellions

Stephen Bates and John Hooper in Rome
Wednesday April 20, 2005
The Guardian

Joseph Ratzinger was not always considered a reactionary. Born in 1927 in Marktl am Inn, the first German pope for nearly 1,000 years comes from the country's traditionalist Catholic heartland, Bavaria.

His father was a police officer from a family of farmers whose career suffered because he refused to become a Nazi. The young Ratzinger served briefly and unenthusiastically with the Hitler Youth and later with a German army anti-aircraft unit guarding the BMW factory in Munich. He says he never fired a shot.

Article continues
Ratzinger has defended himself from criticism of his war record by claiming - not strictly truthfully - that he could not have avoided military service in the circumstances. Others did and maybe he could have used his training in a seminary to dodge the call-up.

But there is no doubt that his heart was not in his military service and he deserted in April 1944, ending the war in an American prisoner of war camp.

Ordained with his older brother, Georg, in 1951, Ratzinger was a liberal theological adviser at the Second Vatican Council in Rome but became a conservative after the 1968 student movement prompted him to defend the faith against secularism.

In his autobiography, he wrote how he realised he was increasingly out of step with his fellow Germans as early as the 1960s.

"I found the mood in the church and among theologians to be agitated," he recalled. "More and more there was the impression that nothing stood fast in the church, that everything was up for revision."

He has written a number of books and within hours of his election as pope yesterday, several leapt up the Amazon bestseller list, including Salt of the Earth, The Ratzinger Report, Introduction to Christianity, and his memoirs, Milestones, which cover his life until 1977.

It was in 1977 he became archbishop of Munich and a cardinal. He was one of only two cardinals in the conclave that ended yesterday to have been elevated by John Paul's predecessor but one, Paul VI.

In 1981, Pope John Paul called him to Rome to take over the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. It is the department that was once known as the Holy Inquisition.

Ratzinger's defence of conservative orthodoxy has been part of his job. But it has not made him popular, especially in more progressive corners of the faith.

An opinion poll in the German newspaper Der Spiegel found opponents of his election as pope outnumbering supporters by 36% to 29%.

It was an open secret before the conclave that all but two of the German bishops were opposed to his candidacy.

In western Europe and North America, in particular, there is an acute perception that the church is losing ground and needs to reinvigorate its flock with a less uncompromising hostility to the outside world.

In Latin America, he disciplined the advocates of "liberation theology" and cracked down on Asian priests who saw non-Christian religions as part of God's plan for humanity.

Before the death of Pope John Paul, his theological watchdog spoke passionately of the need to clean up the "filth" in the church, an allusion to successive child abuse scandals involving clerics. His remark held out hope that he would tackle vigorously one of the church's most pressing problems.

However, he has himself been accused by campaigners of shielding a prominent alleged paedophile.

The softly spoken Bavarian, who is an accomplished pianist with a fondness for Mozart, turned 78 last Saturday, but is in apparently excellent health.

Three years ago, he became dean of the College of Cardinals, a position which made him the key figure in the interregnum between popes and enabled him to exert immense influence on his fellow cardinals as they prepared to choose the next pontiff.

At Pope John Paul's funeral, he impressed his listeners by deftly balancing solemnity and populism in his homily. He drew roars from the crowd when he pointed to the window from which the late pope had delivered his blessings, saying: "We can be sure our beloved Pope is now at the window of the house of his Father and he sees us and he blesses us."

Days later, he seized the initiative again at the mass immediately before the start of the conclave when he inveighed against the moral relativism of today's society. In what was seen by Vatican insiders as a blatant campaign speech, he warned the church to withstand the "tides of trends and latest novelties".

Clearly, his fellow cardinals were listening hard.

But when looking at his life so far, it is hard to know which is more memorable: the things that have been said about Ratzinger or what he has himself said.

Five years ago, a former colleague in the theological faculty of Tübingen University, Hans Küng, whom he banned from teaching on the church's behalf in 1979, described a document published by Cardinal Ratzinger's department in the Vatican as "a hotch-potch of medieval backwardness and folie de grandeur".

He was referring to the document Dominus Jesus issued by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in Rome, which, in highly unecumenical language, described other Christian faiths and world religions as "deficient or not quite real churches". When the Lutherans complained, the future Benedict XVI dismissed their objections as "absurd".

Another liberal Catholic and former priest, the late Peter Hebblethwaite, called him "the big, bad wolf of the new Inquisition ... For some, the thought [of his becoming pope] is just too terrible to contemplate. To have him as pope would be inconceivably divisive, runs the common wisdom."

It is not just people who do not believe in Roman Catholicism who attract the new pope's ire. Four years ago, he wrote that rock music was "the expression of elemental passions which, in the big musical festivals, have taken on a cultural character, that is to say, [the character] of a counter-cult, opposed to Christian worship".

Only this week, he declared that "having a clear faith based on the creed of the church is often labelled today as fundamentalism. Relativism, which is letting oneself be tossed and swept along by every wind of teaching, looks like the only attitude acceptable to today's standards."

Small wonder that the 78-year-old German has won nicknames such as God's Rottweiler and the Panzer Cardinal. Even Corriere della Sera, the voice of the Italian moderate right, which is normally deeply respectful of the church hierarchy, recently labelled him "Cardinal No".

For the past 24 years, he has headed the Vatican "ministry" responsible for defending and enforcing Catholic orthodoxy, particularly in the world's theological faculties.

Ratzinger once denied being "the Grand Inquisitor".

However, under his guidance, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has issued a stream of hardline instructions and rebukes.

The hand of the new pope has been seen in most of the more reactionary proclamations made by the Vatican in the final years of John Paul II's papacy, as his health waned.

They sometimes took away the breath of the more progressive elements in the church: from denouncing homosexuality as intrinsically evil, to suggesting that parishes should limit the use of female altar servers and choristers.

how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 19 April :: 4.45pm

I hate people. Today especially.

Damn it...

Imagine that.

Whatever you say.

-on a positive note-
Thank you for coming today. It was nice to see you, not that I don't normally. I guess it was just nice to have you there to keep me sane. Mr. Jeffrey call me out while you were gone to "talk". He said Mr. Retard Ford was going to "monitor" the class. Whatever

Welcome back Ellen and Evan. Hope your trip was okay.

. I hear you talk about your family life .
. I wish I knew just what that means .
..
. My mothers always tried to change herself .
. She never learned to let things be .
. She doesn't know how bad she messed me up .
. 'Cause now she seems so fake to me but I love her .
..
. If you push me then I won't fall .
. I've been programmed to take it all .
. And shove it way down inside .
..
. I've never needed anyone to help me .
. I'm begging you to please come save me from myself .

how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 17 April :: 10.01pm

What-the hell-ever
That's what I get. This is what I get.

I am losing one day at a time.

. I'd like to run away .
. I'd like to say a few things .
-to you-
. about the way I feel inside .

how time passes...


Jaganshi

:: 2005 17 April :: 2.27pm

if it hadn't been for that meddling chair
I am now the proud owner of 5 or 6 stitches in my scalp.
I was dismissed from the hospital at 5.5am, and am no longer bleeding copiously, although my hair still has some blood in it.
I am largely unharmed, and the stitches come out in 7-10 days.

The official story is... I tripped and cracked my head on a chair. When it has healed, then we will tell the rest of the story. I demand secrecy until then. Only then can the world know how hilarious it is. It's funnier with scars than actual present wounds.

I've done my best to contact people from last night to let everyone know that I did have a reason to leave so abruptly. I had to go to the emergency room.

On the upside, my anesthesiologist was an enormous geek of the finest order. When I was being admitted, we made matrix references and a couple or star wars ones too. It made me feel better. Then he walks in with his stuff and asks us if we roleplay. *facefault* He specifically asked if we used any of the White Wolf systems, to which we replied we played D&D. Brian also noted that GURPS tends to be the favorite, however. The man responded, "Ah, now you're speaking my language."

Also, according to Brian, as he moved toward me ominously with his giant anesthesia needle, he pointed it down at me and asked, "Where is the rebel base?"

He also gave me a new title to add to my list. "Ashley The Chairslayer Holmes, we have a room for you."

I'm going to get that chair. That chair is so fucking dead, it doesn't know what kind of horrible crap I'm going to do to it. But it's coming.

On a related note, my mother had to expressly forbid me to go to work because I have a shiny new head injury. I was worried about the forty dollars. I may be a workaholic, but I'm pretty sure I'm not nearly as bad as Gregor Samsa. He was a giant vermin. I think even I would stop worrying about work at that point.


Also, I think Brian has some things he wants to comment on himself, because it has to do with the way the cops responded to him. It was rather unexpected. I'll paste them to this blog so you guys can experience more interesting shit vicariously.

That's why Jughead's wearing that crown hat. Because he's king of Archie's world.

4 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...


Shoe23

:: 2005 16 April :: 7.15pm

What a day. My father is so incredibly obsessive about some things he shouldn't be. It makes me fall into a trance when I think about why she never left him when she had the chance. She makes it seem like he's the only thing in the world.. like she thinks he's almighty. I wouldn't ask him to do anything for me if it were my life on the line, there's not a chance in hell.

Anyway.. since my life revolved around his shit today, I hope you guys did have a chance to enjoy the wonderful weather.

Evan and Ellen, have a fun, safe trip. Good luck! I'll miss you guys.

-update-
I successfully pissed off another friend. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so deficient.

I'm saddened to think I may not have you around next year. You'd think I'd be used to losing people by now.. or just used to not having any around. I'm just the complete opposite.

I'm so contradicting. It's pathetic. Everything I hate so much I always make happen. Leave it to me.

how time passes...


jaganshi

:: 2005 16 April :: 4.46pm

a. Post a list of 15 fandoms.
b. Have your friends list guess your favorite character from each one.
c. When guessed, embolden the line, include the character name, and write a sentence about why you like that character.

1.LotR-Aragorn He's a hardass. How can I not love that?

2.Anne Rice vampire chronicles-Lestat Self-explanatory. Anyone who knows who this is is forced to love him or God smites you.

3.InuYasha-Kikyou She's inextricably connected to InuYasha. She has nothing to live for, and when she tries forget what she is and live like a normal woman, it all goes wrong and she's back where she started. Her sense of duty toward Naraku and InuYasha is also something I can sympathize with. "Your life is mine, InuYasha... and I'll surrender it to no one."

4.Trigun-Legato Legato is the ultimate dispassionate sexy bishounen. His loyalty to Knives is commendable, and his willingness to die strikes me as a refreshing lack of cowardice in that arena.

5.Digimon (season 2 to make it easier on you)-Ken Ichijouji: Digimon emperor turned would-be hero. He was the only digidestined child to react to the other kids like I would... after the whole 'digimon exist' revelation of course. He didn't want to be around them. He would save their asses in a way that some found morally questionable, and then he'd leave again.

6.Neil Gaiman's Sandman novels-Dream: Maybe it's because he was technically Gaiman's main character in this series, but I identified with him more. He seemed the most like a normal person. He's fallen in love, made mistakes, been lonely, made enemies and sarcastic jokes about Freudian symbolism. How could I resist.

7.Yu Yu Hakusho (this one's obvious if you know where to look)-HieiI'll clarify this. Hiei is my hero... plain and simple. In fact, if you know your YYH trivia, you'll know that his full name is Jaganshi Hiei.

8.Slayers-Xellos: The Mysterious Priest. He shows up, manipulates everyone into following his plan, and then refuses to explain anything... from his presence to his knowledge to his rediculous power. "Sore wa... himitsu desu..."

9.Hellsing-Integra Hellsing (though Alucard is a close second): This is a theme you'll notice. The cold-hearted badassery is not something I can ever turn down.

10.Stargate-Daniel Jackson: Anthropologist role model. If there were any chance my career would take the same turns as his... the opportunities he's had would make everything worth it. He gets to see ancient cultures first-hand.

11.X-Men-Rogue She can't touch anyone. I used to literally wear gloves so that people couldn't make skin contact with me because it made me so uncomfortable. If anyone so much as brushed my shoulder, I could still feel it a minute or so later as a sort of crawly feeling in my skin.

12.Lexx-Kai: Cold-hearted badassery. Insists he doesn't have feelings, and it's probably more his belief in his own emotionlessness than an actual deficiency that makes Kai Kai. I also partly named myself after him on the RPGWW forum. I don't care if he's a guy. It's a good gender-ambiguous name.

13.Dune-Alia: Abomination.

14.X-Files-Mulder: Geek. Hopeful, cynical, geek on a doomed quest for the sake of someone he can't save anyway.

15.Chobits-Chii I actually made an entry about this a while ago. Here it is if you want to read it.

how time passes...

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