Shoe23
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2005 16 April :: 4.45pm
.[Everclear - Wonderful].
. I close my eyes when I get too sad .
. I think thoughts that I know are bad .
. Close my eyes and I count to ten .
. Hope its over when I open them .
..
. I want the things that I had before .
. Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door .
. I wish I could count to ten .
. Make everything be wonderful again .
..
. Hope my mom and I hope my dad .
. Will figure out why they get so mad .
. Hear them scream, I hear them fight .
. They say bad words that make me wanna cry .
..
. Close my eyes when I go to bed .
. And I dream of angels who make me smile .
. I feel better when I hear them say .
. Everything will be wonderful someday .
..
. Promises mean everything when youre little .
. And the world is so big .
. I just dont understand how .
. You can smile with all those tears in your eyes .
. Tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. I go to school and I run and play .
. I tell the kids that its all okay .
. I laugh aloud so my friends wont know .
. When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home .
..
. Go to my room and I close my eyes .
. I make believe that I have a new life .
. I dont believe you when you say .
. Everything will be wonderful someday .
..
. Promises mean everything when youre little .
. And the world is so big .
. I just dont understand how .
. You can smile with all those tears in your eyes .
. When you tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. I dont wanna hear you say .
. That I will understand someday .
. I dont wanna hear you say .
. You both have grown in a different way .
. I dont wanna meet your friends .
. And I dont wanna start over again .
. I just want my life to be the same .
. Just like it used to be .
. Some days I hate everything .
. I hate everything .
. Everyone and everything .
. Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now... .
..
how time passes...
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jaganshi
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2005 16 April :: 3.40pm
Sometimes I feel like people are competing to see who has the most baggage. I get the impression that it's a point of pride for far too many people.
The fact is, there are a lot of people who can't participate in that shit. You know why? The difference between angst and actual emotional problems is in the manifestation. If people want you to know they're fucked up... just wait until they stop talking about it. Then you'll know they're serious.
Until then, it's just a bunch of teens and young adults trying to outdick each other any way they can.
I'm tired of it, and I can't believe I had so much tolerance for it before. I used to think that maybe if I could catch people and help them while they're still at the angst phase, they'd never have to know what it felt like to be fucked in a way that isolated them even from other insane citizens of the younger generation.
Not any more. I won't do it. I will not spend my time trying to help people. In a way, by developing emotional tendencies, I'm even more inexcusably cold than I was before because I know what it is to feel and I actively refuse to do it for anyone else's sake.
No one can make me feel anything I don't want to feel. That's the way I live, and it's the way I've survived.
Anyone else... let them make their own choices. Let everyone else live or die according to their own whims and efforts, not mine.
"If they're to die let them do it quickly and decrease the surplus population."
I am not in control of anyone else. Anyone who even considers handing their salvation over to me will be very disappointed, because I've changed. That's not my game anymore.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 15 April :: 11.45pm
I have to write a report of anemia this weekend. Also, I was supposed to make a visual aid, I left it at school - it's not finished.
-and-
...as if my nose wasn't messed up enough. -thanks a lot "dad".. so much for promises.. the ones you break every-single-time I'm here.
I should go to bed since I'm sick and all. I don't trust him when I go to bed first. It's a rule not made to be broken, that's for sure.
I need to go somewhere to think but I don't think I could think over the sound of my breathing right now. I've the urge to check in on a few graveyards though.. they're fun. I can't clear my head better anywhere else.
When my mother used to get up at 4:00 a.m. -which she still does- and I was little, after a disturbing night I'd still be awake.. she always found me in front of my fish tank just watching the fish swim around, it's really relaxing. Maybe I need a fish tank again, atleast something to help me deal with this...
"...and it's a good night to die."
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 15 April :: 5.00pm
I hate life today.
I just have problems, most of them caused by your very own. I just have my hopes set too high. I just dedicate all I have to everything I have and when something fails I feel like nothing will ever work out.
Also, if you ever need someone to doubt anything, let me know.
I would also enjoy breathing right now, freaking sickness. Leave it to me to get sick just when the weather gets acceptable.
how time passes...
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Jaganshi
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2005 13 April :: 9.30pm
The nights that help me survive my job...
I received my yearbook in the mail today. Huzzah. It's awesome. *thumbs up*
Also, our calling center was recognized for being at least 10% above ALL of our quarterly goals. These emails came from Brian Donnelly (The O in RuffaloCODY), and Duane Jasper (The D). We're excited. We rock.
I had one man talk to me for two minutes about how mature I sound on the phone and how refreshing it is not to hear 'a giggler'. Apparently his wife gets calls from PhiDelt girls, and they live in Florida. He commented that the young women there 'sound like children' and he couldn't believe I was a freshman. I was actually calling to talk to his wife, and he did end up telling me when I could call back. I thanked him for the information, and HE thanked ME for sounding wonderful on the phone. He was so excited.
I also called one or two of those old ladies who just sit alone in their houses all day and all they want is to hear a human voice every now and again. They seemed so happy just to talk to someone. I'll call those women over the people who whine at me ANY DAY.
So... overall it was a good night at work tonight.
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 13 April :: 9.30pm
"I'm fat, you're ugly, and I can diet."
Tonight isn't as bad as last night. Though I didn't leave at all for any reason it was still okay. And yes, just okay. I wanted to take a walk but I don't like walking alone. I didn't want to bother Evan because I was the reason Mathew, Chelsey, and Evan all got in trouble last night. I don't want that.
So.. tomorrow night is off to your residence. Thank God for that.
One month from today is graduation. Not just graduation, my graduation. It's just absolute craziness. SBU here I come... good or bad? I don't know.
I'm really tired. I wish my father would allow me to sleep. That'll never happen. I'm going to be dragging tomorrow. Actually, I think I have a lot more energy when I've not slept well. It still isn't good, though.
Hardly anything I do is good anyway, add it to the list.
...and I just remembered I had homework. *curses* I'm really starting to just give up trying at all. I always forget everything I was supposed to do anyway. I just do the crap no one cares about.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 12 April :: 5.55pm
Fuck this.
I'm so absolutely fed up with my asshole of a father and his bullshit. He has the rudest comments of anyone I know. My mom? She just laughs. From the very minute he got home until whenever he passes out tonight he won't stop. Hell is guarunteed tonight. I knew he would make up for last night. I just wish I could... -I can't start thinking that again. Forget it.
...just forget it all...
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Jaganshi
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2005 10 April :: 9.20pm
http://education.guardian.co.uk/higher/sciences/story/0,12243,1448487,00.html
Relax about sex selection
Nature itself manipulates whether a particular couple has a boy or a girl, says Vivienne Parry. So fertility clinics won't be skewing population ratios by offering choice
Read more..
ยท Vivienne Parry is the author of The Truth about Hormones (Atlantic Books).
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 10 April :: 9.15pm
Prom
Ellen
Jess
Me
The Table
Ellen and Wes
Josh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That is all I have worth updating over.
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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jaganshi
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2005 10 April :: 8.45pm
OMFGZ
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Wow.
Me to a tee. But what can I say? I'm the party's Bard. (I'm seriously the only one in my group of friends who's stereotypical enough to literally have a D&D character class.)
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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jaganshi
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2005 9 April :: 2.17pm
I steal everything. I stole this from a bunch of Brian's friends.
I don't really expect oodles of comments, since most of the people on here now don't know me as well as before, but hey. I'm bored.
a. Post a list of 15 fandoms.
b. Have your friends list guess your favorite character from each one.
c. When guessed, embolden the line, include the character name, and write a sentence about why you like that character.
1.LotR
2.Anne Rice vampire chronicles
3.InuYasha
4.Trigun
5.Digimon (season 2 to make it easier on you)
6.Neil Gaiman's Sandman novels
7.Yu Yu Hakusho (this one's obvious if you know where to look)
8.Slayers
9.Hellsing
10.Stargate
11.X-Men
12.Lexx
13.Dune
14.X-Files
15.Chobits
4 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 7 April :: 9.45am
.Don't let me die before I go to sleep.
.and I can't keep going.
.but I cannot start again.
.-.
.This road I walk is paved with broken promises I've made.
.at least a million times I've fallen.
.but never will I break.
.-.
.These walls I make.
.they could hold me in and hold me back today.
.but tomorrow's new and I'll walk right out .
.and walk right over you.
.if you hear me screaming.
.please don't let me fall again.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 5 April :: 10.00pm
I'm sick of his shit. I wish I had a place to hide right now. I'd leave but, I know, if I ever leave.. I'll never be allowed back. I don't know if.. nevermind, I don't know anything.
English today made me just absolutely furious yet extremely sad at the same time. It's a horrible combination, atleast with me. Yvette started it -well, she brought up how "bad" I used to "claim" my life was. Justin replied with "yeah, you've had it rough".. that was followed by me saying "maybe you don't know anything about me, Justin." his clever self popped off "well, maybe you don't know anything about me" and I said "I never claimed to."
It just sometimes pisses me off that hardly no one knows anything about my life. I know, that is my fault. I just wonder if it would've been easier had they known. And if so, easier for them or me? Maybe I wouldn't be where I am today if someone would've known. Maybe it'd be worse.
For some reason I am absolutely scared to death tonight. I'm shaking with fear right now.. it's strange. It's like I know something is going to happen, I even have that horrid worried feeling in my stomach though that hardly goes away. Hopefully, it's just bad instincts. We shall see, eh?
...and you would say...
...something has gone wrong...
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 5 April :: 4.05pm
[Spineshank-Smothered]
.The black and cold reminds me.
.of all the distance we have crossed.
.and if your darkness blinds me.
.I could never be more lost.
.-.
.but I'm not the one who seeks your protection.
.I'm not the one to share the disguise.
.and I'm not the one who reeks of rejection.
.I'm not the one to tear the same way twice.
.-.
.You push from the inside.
.smothered.
.You push from the inside -out-.
.smothered.
.-.
.Have all your walls surround me.
.-they're- closing in they block my sight.
.the violence around me.
.found me when I could not fight.
.-.
.but I'm not the one to take your direction.
.I'm not the one who wears the disguise.
.and I'm not the one to share your reflection.
.I'm not the one you break the same way twice.
.-.
.I will never win.
.I will never win with you.
.I read you.
.I fear you round up no more than you know.
.I hate you.
.I still do everytime you let me go.
how time passes...
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