Shoe23
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2005 27 March :: 5.30pm
Today isn't good. But, I'm getting better at hiding it, at not letting everyone know the beating I was forced to endure the night or morning before. It's good. I'm losing sight of myself again... I don't know what to do. I'm just absolutely covered in things I can't seem to rid myself of. I'm losing touch.. but, I'm waiting to get it back. I need a drastic turn of events... something to turn my life back in the right direction. I've used all of my sources, It's my turn now. So, that means.. don't count on anything, I'm quite known for letting myself and everyone else down. Atleast I'm good at something, eh?
Thank's to you last night was free of violence and hatred. It was great, a quiet night. I can't put into words how good it was to feel like I was more than just "bad news". Something more than "an accident waiting to happen". I couldn't gather enough strength to tell you how much I enjoyed and appreciated last night this morning, I appologize.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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Jaganshi
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2005 26 March :: 11.17pm
Recent news.... sorry I haven't updated.
First of all... remember how my roomate moved out at the beginning of the year because she 'wanted a room to herself'? Turns out she thought I was a lesbian.
Awesome. Fucking brilliant and awesome. But at the same time.... why am I always the last to know? First, no one told me I was pregnant (my mother thought I was because strep throat was not the obvious answer... pregnancy was), and now this??
Also, the girls in the room directly below mine were singing all fancy-like. They were being jokingly operatic and it was cool. I replied and we had a sort of bizarre duel. This escalated beyond their Disney medlies and ended in me singing Der Holle Rache (the aria of The Queen of the Night in Die Zauberflote).
If any of you have heard that song... you know what happened.
Yeah. It was a lot like that.
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 25 March :: 10.45pm
...no more holding it in
how many years can I pretend
nothing ever goes the way it should
no more sitting in this place
hoping you might see it my way
'cause I don't think you ever understood
that what I'm looking for are the answers
to why -these- questions never.go.away...
I should've stayed. I'm usually smart like that though.. risking my own safety for someone who wouldn't do the same thing for me, or even think about it. What in the hell was I thinking?
...just another night...
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 24 March :: 6.25pm
ONLY because there happens to be the BEST reason in the WORLD
...everyone act enthused and offer some applause when I say...
...Welcome to life...
-as of 8:10 p.m. last night [3/23], 7 lb. 14 oz.-
Irvin Ryder Heggemann
-without a doubt-
The most precious baby to EVER be born..
..and -of course- to the BEST parents EVER!!!
Congrats Tiff and Nick!
how time passes...
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jaganshi
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2005 23 March :: 10.55pm
:: Music: Katamari Damacy OST
Oh yeah. *points to self* That's right.
PROFESSIONAL ASSASSIN: You're a pro. A soldier of
death. You have a job to do, and you do it.
Killing is your business, and business is good.
Which Type of Assassin Are You? (With Anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 22 March :: 6.00pm
What a day. Hours of sitting in a hospital are long and hard to endure but, since it's who it is.. I've no problem with the endurance. I'm just so happy I get to be a part of everything that is going on.
Now.. the questions is.. will Irvin be born -today- or -tomorrow-...? I just hope everything goes well.
It was a different experience, being in a hospital for that reason. I guess I should get used to it though, eh? Almost one down, four more to go.
Is -that- not the best thing you've ever heard?
Nothing sounds better -to me-.
-update-
*grr..* Damn it.
Second try at updating.
As I tried to inform you guys the first time.. my father is a very pissed person right now. I've not seen him this angry in a long time. Tonight will be absolute hell and a half.
He punched the door going into my parent's bedroom and left a nice hole to fix. I don't know what in the hell his problem is. He's such an asshole to everyone.
What a lovely last-half-of-the-day. Not that it's a freaking suprize.
I don't care - whatever. I'll be gone soon enough, let them deal with that for a while.
Also... because of the above I will be hard to reach anytime soon... maybe never again. Who knows?
-update-
If you feel like there is something you need to do, do it. You'll never hate yourself more for anything else than delaying and losing something you once held close to you because of it.
[3/23]
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Shoe23
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2005 21 March :: 9.45pm
just.. wow..
I had some kind of weird emotional breakdown type of thing after I left your place. I just started crying and I couldn't even see to drive.. I had to pull over and gather myself. I was sitting there and I questioned myself I actually said "this is something to be happy about" and then I smiled and said "this is great!!".. so, I guess it was just a happy cry.. I'm not really sure. It was happy until I got closer to home then the part of me that doubts how things will turn out and I got worried about everything. I'm going to drive myself nuts over this for no reason!
But.. I was also thinking about if I'm closer to being your child or your sister. You're like the mother I never had and you're also like the sister I never had. Maybe you're just an awesome mixture of both? But, you know.. Irvin and I are going to be tight no matter what.
This is going to be great!
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 21 March :: 12.35am
So.. a little update before I'm off to try to sleep for a bit.
Tonight was pretty much hell. I also don't know why it's so hard for me to hear someone telling me how much they care. I know that's all you and everyone else involved was trying to prove.
There's not too much I could say to explain to anyone what went wrong tonight. Close to everything to make it simple. There's only so much a person can do when things start to happen like they were tonight.. I did what I thought was best. Who knows where I would have been if I wouldn't have left when I did.
Thank you for giving me a call. For some reason your voice calms me down a lot. I guess because I know you're only there to help me out.
Evan, I appreciate everything you and your mother did for me tonight as well. Thanks for the talk about pretty much everything. It was good to get my mind off of things if only for a moment.
You all get a H U G E thanks from the bottom of my heart and a great big love-filled hug too. I appreciate you all so very much.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 20 March :: 8.35pm
If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.
But, it keeps things interesting.. I guess.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 20 March :: 10.30am
Why does it still take a deep breath to say something short yet important... maybe because it's so hard to let it out? Perhaps it's just because it's an attempt to let out our doubt over the situation.. or the result. I think that may be how I look at it during those experiences. But, the more sighing and delaying I tend to do the more I make it my fault that anything they say really is true.. and that my status -as a productive person- is, in fact, not even measurable.
I've planned my life around failure because usually failure made it easier.. it fit right in with their plan. Perfection on their part was established. I guess atleast I'm good at taking a fall.. I've become quite used to them. So.. it's not a big deal anymore.
And to those of you who think you're going to let me down, don't worry about it.. it's nothing. Sadly enough I'm so used to not being able to count on people I don't hardly have hope anyone will come through with what they say. Slowly though.. that's changing. I'm trying to become a better person.. I'm doing all I can, taking careful steps.
I'm not even sure why I started going on and on about that stuff but, I'm done now. I was thinking of appoligizing but I guess you didn't have to read it, did you?
Anyway, the day must continue...
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Shoe23
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2005 19 March :: 8.10pm
*sigh*
It's hard to prepare for what might happen when you have no clue what could come next. I guess you get what was given to you, eh?
Thank you for letting me hang out at your place all day. I actually had fun... a lot of fun. I really needed that brief break from reality.
how time passes...
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jaganshi
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2005 19 March :: 3.23pm
Sore wa... himitsu desu.
Brian and I talk about my icon
He thinks my icon is.... something. All I know is I enjoy it and he hasn't told me to stop using it. =^.^=
Arch mage144: How would you feel if I did something like that with a picture of you?
Lithaladhwen: Depends.
Lithaladhwen: which picture would you use?
Arch mage144: ...I don't know, this is hypothetical. One that looks good.
Lithaladhwen: Would I be topless?
Arch mage144: I wouldn't share those photos.
Lithaladhwen: As long as you couldn't see anything.... and the photo was flattering... Hell I'd probably use it.
Arch mage144: *thud*
Lithaladhwen: *sparkle*
Arch mage144: You sparkle alright.
Lithaladhwen: If I had a digital camera.....
Lithaladhwen: you'd see.
Arch mage144: ...
Lithaladhwen: I would make such icons..........
Arch mage144: ...is that all you'd do with it?
Lithaladhwen: What I'd do with the camera...
Lithaladhwen: is...
Lithaladhwen: a secret.
Arch mage144: *thud*
9 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 19 March :: 1.17pm
I had a conversation with my Korean cab driver today about how capitalist societies like America leave poor people behind. Also about teen pregnancy, but mainly about the cost of education being overlooked in favor of faulty economic plans.
I ranted about the Establishment with a cabbie. ^_^
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jaganshi
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2005 18 March :: 4.16pm
Well, done with my interview now.
I don't know hot it went; I can never tell. We got along fine, but then I can get along with anyone if I really try.
So...
I guess I'll find out at the middle/end of May when I have my final interview. (This is probably why they won't hire me. My interview process is not as smooth and sexy and we would all like. They insist it's no problem, however, so I'll go with that.)
Board RP continues! I'm still excited!
4 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 18 March :: 12.55am
Yay! My career as a board RPer begins!
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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