At least you'll never be a vegetable<br>...even artichokes have hearts

4 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 9 March :: 10.44pm

Senki is a genius.

:: 2005 9 March :: 9.30pm

Am I the lesser of two evils...
...or are they?

Sometimes I wonder. I guess when certain things are screamed into your face as many times as they have been in mine, you start to second guess yourself and simply wonder what is really right and wrong.

A special thanks to you for making sure I was okay.

:: 2005 9 March :: 4.15pm

So.. my plans for after school today were absolutely crushed.
I had plans to go to Mrs.H's after applying for a job on grounds crew at S.B.U. My initial plan was to not come home tonight as well.

But.. I'm halfway to ElDorado for my appointment and I get a phone call.. my fathers voice is on the other end "Amber, we cancelled your appointment, we need you at home.. there's something to discuss." That scared the crap out of me.. and I thought I could get away from discussing anything but, look at where I am now.. *home* Yes, I am stuck.

So now my plans are set for tomorrow. I have an appointment at 3:30 here in Collins I should be home by 4 from it, get my stuff together and leave. Maybe for the night, like I had planned to do tonight. I could really used a night without violence and complete chaos.

:: 2005 8 March :: 10.00pm

Damn it.

Why do I even freaking try?

I'm stupid for staying here. I might have to take you up on your offer. I just wanted to finish this year out at home if at all possible, If it gets any worse, I cant handle it.

I'm absolutely losing it here. Every single thing I say is completely jumbled, forgotten, disregarded, or simply wrong and it's thrown right back in my face. I can't win for losing.. and I'm a sore loser.

I'm so close to succeeding, proving them wrong.. but, there are so many things trying as hard as they can to keep me here, so many obstacles. I'm stuck without enough knowledge to make the appropriate decision. I don't know what to do.

[-was it life I betrayed..
..for the shape that I'm in..
..it's so hard to fail..
..it's not easy to win-]

:: 2005 8 March :: 5.00pm

There is one thing I ask when attempting to become friends with someone - don't dismiss my feelings just because you dont know where I'm coming from. Talking down to me is the first thing to turn off a friendship damn fast. I've earned my spot here just like anyone else has..

I've been raised differently than most would ever believe because I never introduced it through my years with everyone. Things here have always been very combative. I've been pushed, shoved, body slammed, threatened, knocked unconscious.. the list is endless.
The most painful thing only a few of you know.

Some of you don't understand why I fight so hard to leave if I've hardly made it to where I am. I'm not the only one in danger. It's not only an issue of self.. It's so much more. I've fought for ~~practically~~ everything my entire life.. why would I stop with this?

I can't push away my past, it makes me who I am.
I cant change how I react, it comes with my experience.

I've seen more than most of you could ever imagine.. and more than I could ever expect anyone to understand. I try as hard as I can to be the best person I can be and I struggle with every step.

Most of the things I face each day weren't my choice or even close. I'm sorry if the way I react to certain things or the borders I refuse to cross seem too limited. But I have reasons, everything I do has an underlying explanation. Every-single-thing. The weaknesses I show only because I have the strength to let them out.

I've earned all I have today...
...tomorrow will be the same.

I won't break promises...
I won't lie to you...
I won't intentionally put you down...
I won't say what you think is wrong...

I will bring you disappointment...
I will cover things up...
I will tell you what I think...
I will explain to you why I disagree...

If you don't like who I am or what I'm doing.. I'm not asking you to stick around. I don't want to put any one in a position where they feel threatened to lean in my direction.

-the initial introduction to this post doesn't apply to any of you [at least that I'm aware of] I just needed a place to vent-

Jaganshi

:: 2005 8 March :: 1.38pm

I might foam at the mouth, but just present me with some little toy, give me a cup of tea with sugar in it, and I shouldn't be at all surprised if I calmed down completely, even be deeply touched, though afterwards I should most certainly snarl at myself and be overcome with shame and suffer from insomnia for months. That's the sort of man I am.

You see, people who know how to avenge themselves and, generally, how to stand up for themselves--how do they, do you think, do it? They are, let us assume, so seized by the feeling of revenge that while that feeling lasts there is nothing but that feeling left in them. Such a man goes straight to his goal, like a mad bull, with lowerd horns, and only a stone wall perhaps will stop him. (Incidentally, before such a stone wall such people, that is to say, plain men and men of action, as a rule capitulate at once. To them a stone wall is not a challenge as it is, for instance, to us thinking men who, because we are thinking men, do nothing; it is not an excuse for turning aside, an excuse in which one of our sort does not believe himself, but of which he is always very glad. No, they capitulate in all sincerity. A stone wall exerts a sort of calming influence on them, a sort of final and morally decisive influence, and perhaps even a mystic one. . . . But of the stone wall later.) Well, that sort of plain man I consider to be the real, normal man, such as his tender mother nature herself wanted to see him when she so lovingly brought him forth upon the earth. I envy such a man with all the forces of my embittered heart. He is stupid--I am not disputing that. But perhaps the normal man should be stupid. How are you to know?

-Dostoevsky "Notes From The Underground"

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 7 March :: 7.30pm

Tonight lacks something...
...I'm pretty sure it's the lack of absolutely nothing good happening.
-but thats just me, make of it what you will-

Tonight would be hard to explain. For some reason it seems to be sinking in alot.. I don't know why. I don't like today.. not at all.

But, I'm sure my negativity doesn't motivate you, does it?

So.. the only other thing I have to put in this update is: I need to know what you need for the little one. You have to tell me something.. even if it's just a gift card or something.. Please!

:: 2005 7 March :: 6.25pm

[ if only you could watch me fall
i cannot feel it anymore
the soul you cut - the soul you adore
cannot feel you anymore
'cause you've run through me with destructive force
i think -somehow- i've got to see it straight
i've got to get you out of me
but i cannot get through to you
i can transcend you and mentally bend you
but i can't handle the shit that i'm into
i have been blinded and always reminded
of the things i've wanted but i never could find
i am a part of a world that i hate

i wish the end would come faster my world's a disaster
can't you see that i'm down and i'm drowning
what i'm really trying hard to get -down to words-
is the way i fit into this world
things i survived pushed me to the darker side
because of life ..as it was
the life that was yours should've never been mine ]

[ no more holding it in
how many years can i pretend
nothing ever goes the way it should
no more sitting in this place
hoping you might see it my way
'cause i don't think you ever understood
that what i'm looking for are the answers
to why these questions never go away ]

[ nothing bends it only breaks into pieces
i waited for hope to arrive but it never came
leaving me with only pain inside
i'm going off the deep end

holding on is harder than it seems
when you're reaching for so.much.more
seems so much easier to just give in ]

:: 2005 6 March :: 11.55pm

I need to sink my teeth into this spicy chicken sandwich before they turn around and devour my brain.

:: 2005 6 March :: 11.52pm

I've been thinking... it feels good to have a planet. A good feeling of security. I like knowing I have solid rock beneath me all the time. Of course, I get creeped out when I think about the fact that that rock is floating on a magma sea. Like 'Waterworld' only instead of floating on water, everything floats on Hell. Sucks. But, on the up-side, it seems to work... so I'm all for it. Go magma!

:: 2005 6 March :: 11.47pm

MALLORY!!!!

I know you read these from time to time....
If you read this entry, email me.
I know you are not a fan of the weblogs, but I need a way to harass you online more effectively. I have one invite code to give away, and if you're interested, it's yours.

6 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 6 March :: 8.35pm

Imagine that...
...it must be time for the nightly yelling match.

"no one knows what it's like to feel these feelings...
...like I do... and I blame you."

It looks as if it will be a bad night. Maybe he'll leave.. -nevermind- I'd never get that lucky.

It's hard to tell what'll happen.

Jaganshi

:: 2005 6 March :: 8.56pm

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

:: 2005 5 March :: 8.50pm

Remind me again...
...why do I bother coming home?
Sometimes I'm not too intelligent.

Good day... I wasn't here, plus I was with Mrs. H - both good.
Now... it's looking as if the night will fail at even being decent.
Hopefully it will be tolerable. It'd have to get pretty bad to not be.

I'm so tired of this house I'd rather curl up in a damn corner and die.
But I can't... I have to stay strong for her and for me.
I know it's best to stay strong.. but, it's easy for me to give in. Often this gets the best of me.. it brings my worst side out. I don't like the person this makes me but I've never known the difference.. I've never been able to show a different side. The time is coming though.. it's coming as soon as I can get it here.