Shoe23
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2005 10 July :: 10.10pm
Okay... so, last night!
It was just fun. I find the most fun in times where you can just sit around and talk to a few people you really enjoy being around and leave your worries for a while. If you're not a person like that then you wouldn't have enjoyed last night like I did.
I bought $60 worth of alcohol. 32 bottles. 4 people... and Jack bought two. I think Angie and I put down the most. I was pretty messed up. Four joints were passed and passed again. When I got in to go home my car wouldn't start. Had to send Kenny to get jumper cables so I could go home. My father called me at 2:45 and was pissed because I wasn't home. Apparently my mother believed I was in an accident because she heard sirens. I don't like when people worry about me.
...then there is Jack. He's really cute. I'd say he's a good 6 feet tall and ripped as hell. Not the type I'd normally think about dating because of my severe lack of self-confidence.. I need someone a little more not so perfect. He's called me twice today though. I should've had my camera. The first half of the night I was calling him "the hot guy".. Angie of course knew who that was in reference to. But yeah, awesome guy. He lives in Bolivar too! He picked me up for no reason and I about threw up. Then I fell when Kenny threw an ice cube at me and he helped me up. Before I left he gave me a hug. Like it!
Anyway.. next time I'm supposed to go to Springfield for the par-tay. Vaughan and Mike are supposed to throw me "one hell of a party" because I support their drinking every weekend. So... can't wait for that! Maybe Jack will come?!
I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't fall for guys I just have sex with them. I'd say it'd be a good thing if that were to change though. That'd be a really good thing. Not getting my hopes up though.
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 10 July :: 12.10pm
I feel horrible.
Atleast I had fun while the night lasted... until my father called me and I had a dead battery. Fun times!
If any of you are interested I'll tell you the story or I may update with it later when I feel decent and don't have a hang-over.
*gasp* Jack! I have to tell all of you about Jack. B-e-a-u-tiful.
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 9 July :: 8.41pm
No, I haven't forgotten woohu. I've just been busy. At some point here I'll paste in a monster entry to get you all up-to-date if you like.
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 7 July :: 10.45pm
...my next wish is the catch - I'll die before I come back...
I wish I had that kind of strength. Instead, the only way I'll be dying is by his hands because I did come back.
I always come back.
I always get this.
I should be off. I'm not going to try sleeping, it'd be another failure.. instead I plan to find something that occupies my night.
. I feel it in me .
. so overwhelmed .
. all this pressure centerizing .
. my life overturned .
. unfair the despair .
. all these scars keep ripping open .
..
. do you pull me up just to push me down again? .
6 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 3 July :: 1.25am
A special thanks to Ellen who made me feel damn lucky to have her around. Thanks for taking the time to tell me what you did... I really appreciate what you said.. even drunk.
I think you are right. I just do this because I like to put myself in bad situations.. it's all I ever seem to do when I run into something good. I go straight back to what wasn't right in my life every time.
...I go to all of the right places for all of the wrong reasons.
I'm sorry for not thinking. I know I have alternatives and -like you said- I put myself here. I can deal with that...
5 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 2 July :: 12.15am
I hope I never know another person as pathetic as I am.
I was pulled over for driving drunk tonight. I knew the guy, he works with my father. I'm stupid for even... living.
I'm just pissed right now.. by morning it'll all be better for all of them.. most wont remember. I always remember. I wish I had the ability to be forgetful and stupid instead of just being stupid when I've been drinking.
Screw it.. it doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. I'm wasting perfectly good air by even freaking being here right now. Wasting a perfectly good life that someone -or anyone- else should lead for the benefits. I dont have a damn thing to complain about.. I guess just simply being alive isn't good enough for me anymore. I've always had high standards and no capability of reaching them.
Hoo-ray for me.
Hoo-ray for life.
.update.
Thanks, Ellen... you know why.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 29 June :: 9.45pm
Such an upsetting night. No matter how far away I get from home problems always follow. I suppose that's just a part of life though, eh? Well... that doesn't make me feel any better.
Going to see someone in a hospital generally means bad news. I don't want this to happen again. I'll probably take off early tomorrow to go to the hospital - I feel like I should anyway.That is unless -he- made it all up for fun and games. I think he was telling the truth though.. when his voice isn't steady you either know something is honestly wrong or he's afraid the world will crash down on him like he tries to make it on everyone else.
I also saw the most uncanny resemblance between myself as a child and another in McDonalds. I suppose you'd have to know how McDonalds was used as a symbol in my childhood to really understand. Anyway, she had a black eye but still appeared as happy as a child can. It is truly amazing how easy it is to cover up the damage you do to a child with something as simple as a Happy Meal. Sad to think how those little boxes of happiness can erase everything..- a magic box -.. practically. It wasn't a hard situation to figure out - given I have experience. It made me cry, the more I thought about it after I got here the more I felt sick to my stomach. I had to leave because I really did end up making myself sick. Sorry for leaving without telling you.
Regardless I suppose I can say as you might say, at least I am safe. I only wish more could have a place like I do to go when things don't go so great.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 27 June :: 4.45pm
. and my words will be here when Im gone .
. as Im fading away against the wind .
. and the words you left me linger on .
. as Im failing again now, never to change this .
..
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
..
. and it seems Im alone here, hollow again .
. as Im failing again against the wind .
. and the scars I am left with swallow again .
. as Im failing again now, never to change this .
..
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
..
. the same old feelings are taking over .
. and I cant seem to -make them go away- .
. and I cant take all the pressure sober .
. but I cant seem to -make it go away- .
. the same old feelings are taking over .
. and I cant seem to -make them go away- .
. and I cant take all the pressure sober .
. I cant -make it go away- .
So.. you probably know that my mothers phone call wasn't the only reason I didn't come back to your place. It's hard for me to handle watching you pack everything up and change everything around. It's really hard. I might come back tonight after my game or I might not but if I do or not I'll leave your card there before I go to work.
2 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 23 June :: 10.45pm
Yeah...
Anyway, I'm soooo glad I can piss people off so easily. I'm talented.
Good thing I'm in a fairly good mood otherwise I would've been pretty angry right now.
.. I.... wanna rock and roll all nite -and- party every day ..
*sigh* Scott told me my hair was nasty today... it was funny. "What's wrong with your hair is it... oily?" Jacki: no, she uses a lot of hairspray" "That's nasty." I guess he noticed because he was sitting so close to me I had to lean away in order for his shoulders to fit. Not that I wanted to lean away.. lol. I'm just kidding.. I'm not invading anyone else's relationship, I've pulled that number too many times.
I guess that's enough conversation.. my happiness has left so I'm done talking.
7 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 22 June :: 8.00pm
. this distance, this dissolution .
. I cling to memories while falling .
. sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day .
. waking the misery of being without you .
..
. surrender, I give in .
. another moment is another eternity
..
. you know me, you know me all too well .
. my only desire - to bridge our division .
..
. in sorrow I speak your name .
. and my voice mirrors my torment .
..
. am I breathing? .
. my strength fails me .
. a bitter memory .
..
. what's my release? .
. what sets me free? .
. do you pull me up just to push me down... again? .
What a day. So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm really not so cut out to live by myself. I must require more human reaction than I thought. It's insane, this is insane. I'm not really a hobby person either, I've never really had a hobby. Never needed one. This "alone time" was kinda good for me.. it just made me realize that I'm incredibly lonely. It's also made me think about my random sex acts. It's not good... not good at all. I've no reason to do it either, I don't even like sex. <-- Just in case you didn't already know. I've no explenation, especially not a logical one.
. 'cause I'm trying to be somebody .
. I'm not trying to be somebody else .
8 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 22 June :: 6.02pm
Will Rennar: ...So you'd be running a combination cult/brothel?
Lithaladhwen: Possibly.
Lithaladhwen: Depends on the quality of my followers, really.
Will Rennar: ...This new faith intrigues me...
Lithaladhwen: We would worship the almighty Whatever High Up On The Thing.
Will Rennar: :O!
Lithaladhwen: The Whatever gives unto me amazing magical powers that are only visible to my followers after they consume the necessary ritual narcotics.
Will Rennar: Okay, that's it, I'm sold! ^_^
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 21 June :: 10.20pm
. live in my head for just one day .
. I see myself and look away .
. the road is showing now -on my face- .
. soon I'll disappear .
. I'll disappear without a trace .
..
. faces that I've seen turn old and grey .
. I've lost too many freinds along the way .
. memories I never thought would fade .
. they fade and blow... away .
..
. I wish that I could disappear .
. unzip my skin and leave it here .
. so I could be no one again .
..
. so now the walls are closing in .
. because in life you sink or swim .
. sometimes these shoes don't feel right .
. feel like a book that can't be read .
. a book that can't be read .
I need a hobby...
4 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 20 June :: 12.20am
You know how in The Sixth Sense you don't notice that no one ever talks to Mr. Guy-with-an-irrelevant-name until the very end?
I want to know how he failed to notice. I used to have days in high school where I would be in a room with other people and only one of them would acknowledge anything I said or did, like she was the only one who noticed me. From time to time (like after every two hours or so, or after more than one instance in a single day) I would request that she turn to someone else, point at me and ask, "Can you see her?"
Just to make sure I'm there. Because some one of these days, I won't be. If that happens and I don't notice... well then we'll know that it's easier than it looks to forget to confirm your existence with actual evidence. And I'll laugh at myself. Because at that point I deserve to be forgotten anyway.
I think that at field school I'll be a little glad to be away from instant messenger. Sure, I'll be cut off from a source of entertainment and communication. On the other hand, I'll know that everyone I'm talking to is talking back. The reason I try to reply to IM conversations and chats so quickly is because I'm trying to stave off one major fault of instant messenger: you know damn well no one is really paying attention to you. You know they all have something more important to do. Talking to you is something they do while waiting for a page to load or a CD to finish copying.
So... every now and again ask yourself. "Can they see me?"
Maybe they can't. Maybe they haven't for a while.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 19 June :: 2.32pm
Because Dave told me to...
Fathers Day post about... my fathers, I suppose.
Read more..
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Shoe23
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2005 19 June :: 12.40am
I wish I could just pretend to be dead today. Fathers day is just stupid. I'm happy for those of you with a good father...
But.. really, I'm not a celebration person. I wasn't raised like that. Everyone is so serperated and... well, it's kinda like we're all a different race and everyone is racist. That's my family, no one shares the same opinions so it's left alone.
. If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive? .
. though I'm closer to wrong .
. I'm no further from right .
. and now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me .
. convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me .
. no there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie .
. but I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised .
. and now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give .
. this all belongs to me .
..
. I'm beaten down again, I belong to them .
. beaten down again, I've failed you .
. I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them .
. beaten down again, I've failed you .
..
. the deception you show is your own parasite .
. just a word of advice you can heed if you like .
. and now I'm convinced on the inside something's wrong with me .
. convinced on the inside you're so much more than me .
I hate feeling like a failure. I'm not strong. I can't keep promises. I can hardly stand myself. There's no one left to hurt but me. Everything is because of me anyway, right?
I'm just right on the wrong side of it all.
how time passes...
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