At least you'll never be a vegetable<br>...even artichokes have hearts

:: 2005 29 May :: 1.05pm

I break my temporary silence to announce one thing to the world:

It has been one year since I've seen Caleb, or even heard his voice.
First of many, I hope.

Here we go! Go! Hashiri tzuzukeru...
dare ni mo tomerare wa shinai
mirai no jibun e to give a reason for life todoketai...

:: 2005 29 May :: 1.15am

What a night...

My stomach feels like a 300 pound man punched it really hard.. ohh wait, one did. So, that's how my night started.

Twenty three phone calls and thirty miles later I was in Bolivar, the place where I could spend forever. Thank you so much for being there and being so voluntary to help me out of this mess I'm supposed to call "home."

Anyway.. still no long entry but, I promise.. it's coming soon.

Until then...

4 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 27 May :: 7.09pm

Enough! The lot of you!

Why must I constantly be expected to divulge personal information on command to make someone else feel better? I will not be made to feel guilty for the way I choose to live. If I lie, it's because I have a damn good reason. I can't trust you people!

To the bloggers: When you read my posts just to give yourself a grain of hope that maybe you're not the most fucked up person alive, I hope I can offer you that. When you read my posts because you're looking for someone to pity, I hope you die. When you read my posts because you want me to read yours, fuck you. Everyone. Everyone who reads and says nothing, everyone who replies to entries that mean something with silly juvenile bullshit. Everyone who thinks that the worst thing that could happen to a person is people might not like you. People might not accept you. People might think you're a whiny little bitch who has nothing to say except mindless appeals for pity.

To the anonymous lurkers: If you have something to say, say it. Don't pussyfoot around because you want me to spend that much more time thinking over just what you have to tell me.

To my friends: There aren't many of you. But you know who you are. You are important. Fuck the people who don't know me and are comfortable with that. You listen to me bitch, and I try to make sure I'm listening when you need the same.

To the people I know over the internet and actually communicate with(namely RPGWWers): Without you I'd probably have no one to talk to. I can talk about politics or the worship of pastagami or my budding interest in video games. Any number of things. You are also important.

I'll be back with the blogging foolishness. When I have something more to say to any of you. It won't be as long as I think it'll be because I'm just pissed right now. I'll get over it.
Meanwhile, I'm going to restrict communication to people who actually talk back.

:: 2005 27 May :: 5.00pm

. I'd become comfortably numb .
. until you opened up my eyes .
. to what it's like .
. when everything is right .
..
. you found me .
. when -no one else- was looking .
. how did you know just where I might be? .
. you broke through .
. all of my confusion .
. the ups and the downs .
. and you still didn't leave .
. I guess that you saw what nobody could see .

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 26 May :: 8.55pm

You may ask me one question. But I always lie.
There's nothing inherently wrong with lying. On the other hand, it could be considered the only real evil in existence.

Chibikeriana and I are having a conversation about sincerity in terms of being accepted at school. Here's my unabridged rant in all its glory:
I never thought of it as fear of negative reprisals, but rather in terms of the potential rewards of manipulation. A little prevarication here, a few windows washed there, and teachers don't question anything else they see. All they want is to believe that kids are okay. If you can help them do that, they'll get you anywhere you want to go.
I figure it's better to live a lie than sit at home for the rest of my life contemplating a sincere suicide because I'm sincerely dissatisfied with the way things have gone for me.
A lie is often better than nothing. As much as I value the truth, in my experience the only ones who know what it is are the ones who are forced to contrast it with something. As much as you can apply the laws of economics to abstract concepts, the more scarce truth is, the more people realize how important it is.
I tell the absolute truth to one person. Everything else is a lie. And I like it that way. The way I live is the way I live. I lie. The sooner people accept that, the sooner we can all live in happy bunny peace and harmony.

:: 2005 26 May :: 4.55pm

Well.. good news and disappointing news always seem to come together.

My job is going well, I'm starting to get the hang of it and the schedule.. everything. So, that's good.. I was really hoping it would all work out. I had hope it would though... since you were the one that suggested it the job had to be okay.

I'm not going to get to go with you this summer. I hate not being able to go.. it just kills me. I looked forward to it for so long. Again, another thing I never should have looked forward to.. I should've known it never would've happened. It's no one else's fault but mine that I'm not able to go, though. Atleast you know how many are going now.

I didn't work today and I came home this evening because of softball practice. Tomorrow I work. Monday I am off, Friday I have to take off because Jeff -Mr. I'm a special yearbook advisor- is coming and I have to be there to work on pages all day long until he arrives. Joy!

Well.. I'll think of more to complain about later.

[update]
It's time for a big spill of how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about, I have a feeling that will be my next update. Just thought I'd warn you all...

3 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

Jaganshi

:: 2005 26 May :: 11.19am

Your Star Wars Pickup Line

"Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in line without bathing for 10 days?"

What's Your Star Wars Pickup Line?

Star Wars Horoscope for Pisces

A typical Pisces, you have your head in the clouds.
You're self-sacrificing and a bit too passive to stand up to the dark side.
You become fairly pessimistic when put under pressure.
You are a chameleon - wanting to change your scenery on occassion.

Star wars character you are most like: Lando

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Jaganshi

:: 2005 25 May :: 7.10pm

*sniff* Psychopathic? Really?
I guess it has been suggested.

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 24 May :: 3.27pm

:: how jedi are you? ::

HASH(0x8bd7164)
Your Lightsaber is Blue

Blue is often associated with depth and stability.
It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom,
confidence, and truth.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2005 23 May :: 6.45pm

Well, today was my first day of work.. it was actually quite okay. It was nice to come home and take a shower though, I was a bit dusty.

It's still kinda rough without anything in my system except the bit of Gatorade I can handle at one time when Tiff brings it too me but, I'm doing good... holding myself away from everything that I shouldn't be around and all.

~~I'll update with something valuable later.~~
Nevermind I've nothing valuable to say..

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 22 May :: 1.15am

I feel so horrible right now, I feel like I could just die.

Today has been so horrible.. I've never felt so sick in my life. I pray that none of you reading this end up in this type of situation..

I think I'm going to go take something to help me sleep, he's not here to knock me out for the night so I have to do something, I feel so dead, too dead to believe I'm still alive. I'm sure medication will be lovely on my four day empty stomach.. don't you think?

Jaganshi

:: 2005 19 May :: 6.40pm

Telemarketers Anonymous

1 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

2 We pass the time of day to forget | how time passes...

:: 2005 19 May :: 11.30am

I don't know which way to go, or what to look for if I get there. Everything is so contradicting of itself anymore I just leaves me stuck in the middle of no where. I still don't understand what kind of purpose I hold on this earth.

So last night, one of my two favorite nights of the week my mother calls me and is just really upset because she wants someone's "support." So guess what.. she drug me to the doctor today [for her] because she needed "support." I just went through the same exact thing she went through today, same exact freaking thing.. I didn't ask for anyone to be there. I did have support behind me but, I faced the faqs alone. I don't understand why she feels like I owe her anything, she enjoys every minute of time she gets to spend in a complete massacre to destroy my dreams, hopes, and my future. But, I'm always there to pull her out of her troublesome experiences. I don't know why I care so much about what happens to her.. I guess it's just something that comes naturally between a child and her mother, I wish I had the same back.

I also don't know about this entire quitting thing, Tiff. This is going to make things a lot harder for me to take and handle appropriately. I do know it is best for me to stop using, though. Today is pretty rough without them, I've thrown up everything I've even had to drink.. it's lovely. I must not have been thinking of how hard it was to quit the first time when I decided to start again.

Anyway, enough of my complaining..

[update]
If you can understand this, you can pretty much figure out what is going on...

. I can't make it on my own .
. so cut my wrists and black my eyes .
. so I can fall asleep tonight, or die .
. because you kill me .
. you know you do, you kill me well .
. you like it too, and I can tell .
. you never stop until my final breath is gone .
..
. I need you now [more like yesterday] .
. for the last time turn out the lights .
. my life on standby .
..
. so standby and watch .
. this [fall away] and [fall apart] .
..
.. just say that it's over ..

:: 2005 18 May :: 4.20pm

. It's cold outside I'm sensing fear .
. My self control has disappeared .
. I'm spinning out at each end .
. Could you be kind and let me in .
. Despite the writing on the wall .
. My future's bleak and rather small .
. That's all you could ever take from me .
.. I've got nothing to lose so let me be ..
..
. Well I sized you up your not that strong .
. You're weak inside I knew all along .
. This made up army you fight in your head .
. Destroyed your worth and pronounced you dead .
..
. The cruelest joke that has played on me .
. Is all planned out so I can't leave .
. Now quietly I will walk away .
. There is no bad blood but I can't stay .