Somehow it's already been a year.
Somehow it's already been a year
Embracing other versions to make this feeling disappear
Now I just feel you everywhere
It coincides with the guilt of knowing that I wasn't there
I was told that wouldn't have known
Told myself I was where you'd want me to be
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
How has it already been a year?
I skip over songs because they're too hard to hear
Like track two on "Benji" or "What Sarah Said"
They just hit too close when I'm already in my head
I was told you were half asleep
Told myself you would be proud of me
But it's not that easy
I tried to be your light
Did my best to shine
Nothing I do feels right
As I went out all the time
Somehow it's already been a year
You keep finding new ways to make yourself reappear
I hope you never leave me be
I haven't found the courage to listen to your last message to me

I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life.
I need to treasure every minute
The fact that I'm here and I'm living within it
Sometimes I feel like the pace of my life's too fast
And I think about the time that's passed
I can't remember what happened yesterday
The day before, or anything, at any rate, anyway
I think what I'm trying to say is
I don't wanna live a life like this

What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
And the fear consumes me as they start to lose me
What happens when it all goes black
And I'm lying there dying and I'm trying to think back
And I can't seem to conjure up anything
No, because I haven't done anything

I feel like I've lead a pretty happy life
Then how come all I can remember is the strife
Fear comes and it takes its hold
And I'm afraid of getting old
And then suddenly I need a way out
Because I can't just let my memories fade in and fade out
I need something new
But I'm stuck with what to do

They're playing love songs on the radio tonight. I can't relate to that right now.
I live in a hotel, I must keep writing
If I'm to be better than everyone else
Like figure skating, like asphyxiating
On your own seeping fumes, you're just waiting

Living in a hotel, I'm not traveling
Between two points, in midair I'm levitating
Above the earth, beneath the sky, with eyes like static
In my three feet from bed to wall sleeps a genius

Leave me here to my devices
The call could come at any time
They're playing love songs on the radio tonight
I can't relate to that right now

Note to self, no one cares, your voice is average
In worried piles I typed for miles, you just stood there
I will begin, I will put right this morning terror
I have been kissed between the ears with human error

Leave me here to my devices
I need a word to change my life
I've tied my ankles to the table legs with wire
He can't write so much as type

Leave me here to my devices
I can't think with all this noise
They're playing love songs on your radio tonight
I don't get those songs on mine

You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life
You keep fucking up my life

Love how you disappear, if I need you
You're sleeping, I get that, I want you to know that I try
To figure out, where I'm going
And where I'm sleeping, and how much emotion is showing
And one can only imagine the things that you think of

I want to see the country, without goodbyes
But I can't afford that, so fuck my life

And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry

When did I leave the seventh grade?

You feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away

You say I lose things, that I can't find
There's no more covers, left to hide in
You say I'm lazy, incompetent, I'm always too tired to try
Everyone's stuck, living their "skewed up version of life"
And now I have a job, and Bobby's living in Tallahassee
I wish I had tried more

And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry

When did I stop thinking this way?

I feel sick, I'm tired, I don't even know what to say
Your words can't make my problems go away

And all these guessing games
And they all just feel the same, and I'm sorry

When do I stop feeling this way?

I feel sick, you're tired, we don't even know what to say
My words can't make my problems go away

Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true.
If you keep on telling your friends that we're through.
I've got nothing here but loneliness
Holes in walls and bleeding fists.
My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song.

Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone.
Won't listen to myself or anyone.
You got on a plane and off you went.
You're never coming back again.

I'm trying to convince myself it's true.
Convincing myself
I'll be just fine without you. [x3]
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself it's true.

I sit here trying to convince myself it's true.
But you keep on pretending you have no clue.
I'd kill for you and eat the flesh.
Give you the heart and burn the rest.
A thousand miles ain't shit to walk if I'm walking to hold you but

I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be here telling myself
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you
I'll be just fine without you

I'll be here telling myself it's true.

So carve it in rock
I tears of prayer
Everyone knows
What it's called
Does a steamer help
I am I say
I am I cry
Inoculated safe
In my pale disguise
I too have dreams
They sometimes arise
I only have one thing to say
My only call
So carve it in rock
And let it be known
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
It's all I have to say
It's my only hope
It's the whole of my truth
It's the truth worth to be told
Might I tell
And fortunes unfold
May I be instead
Most of all
So carve it in rock
And let it be known
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold
Here stands the asshole
Who dreamed of shitting gold

Grab me by the throat. Your hands are freezing cold
And fingernails tear nice and slow. You know
I'm not afraid of all the things you think about
When you're alone swallowing your day

Hold on tight. Just hold on tight

Cataclysmic prose. Eye sockets will erode
When days to weeks to months seem half full
Yet I can't impose with another wilted rose
You'll feel this when you see how I've grown

We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in

It's 2:30 AM. Years become layers of skin
I've shed them all but I'm not done yet
Heavy hearts my friends, come sing in unison
And drag me out of this hole I'm in

We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in

Are you breathing?
Stay broken
I've earned my bitterness
My legs are planted firm in transit-stance
For this dead romance

Grab me by the throat. Your hands are freezing cold
And fingernails tear nice and slow. You know
I'm not afraid of all the things you think about
When you're alone swallowing your whole...

We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet
Keep breathing. Stay broken
Our blood's boiled thin
You can taste it with every breath taken in

We are broken men
Who shouldn't be saved just yet

Waiting for your life to start, then you die? Was your heart beating in the first place?
Two years ago today I made a pretty big career change. Not that my old job was much of a career. It was a summer job I took just for the health insurance benefits so I could fix my back, but I ended up staying 12 years. I really enjoy what I'm doing now, despite still feeling a lot of shame for never finishing college. Years ago I was told that I'd never make anything of myself. Now after spending what has literally been half my life trying to prove otherwise, I'm just really aware of my failures. I don't even know what I was hoping to do specifically. I just wanted some sort of achievement upon which I could hang my hat that would make people go, "That Charlie is alright." I went about it all wrong too. I looked over my old posts on here and it was like I was just trying to amplify whatever parts of my personality I thought made me look cool, or witty, or sexy, or intriguing, or smart. I ended up making caricatures of myself. The struggling musician, the passionate lover, the lovable alcoholic, the political radical, the wounded artist. None of it was really me, just the narcissistic ideas of what I thought I should be. At the same time I'd constantly air my dirty laundry and bad mouth nearly every person in my life at one time or another. It was as if destroying them would lift me up and put me closer to being something special. I still don't know if I've amounted to anything, I probably never will, it's not my place to say. But if I truly had to define myself now at 35, I'd be forced to say, "college dropout, twice failed husband, decent electrician, and father." I like the last one. He's just as weird as I was when I was his age, I just hope he doesn't make as big of a mess of things as I have.

And in my free time I sing hardcore songs as heartfelt acoustic ballads
And what the fuck do I know?
But broken hearts, some unsung songs
I never had it hard it enough
So I drag my feet as much as I can
The product of excuses
Brave only compared to some
I consider myself a lucky kid
But I’m pretty good at fucking up
Young, Angry and White
A victim of the middle class
So much to prove
So much to say
When will I be done screaming?
Never take me seriously
Cause who the fuck am I
Just some awkward kid
From a shitty town
No different than any of you
Quick with exaggeration
Philosopher to some
But a story teller to anyone
Who, is truly listening
I’m inspired by
The fact that I
Still get out of bed
I’m over dramatic
Most of the time
Attention whore,
Known to be ill tempered
I got a way with fucking words