spud
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2006 16 July :: 12.42am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: genesis
big book
i started feeling better today while i was at work. i just made the realization that i needed to let go of the physical. there's just so much more than that. i lied when i said i wanted to cum more than anything. i really didn't care. i just knew she wanted me to. and i love her. to death. and whatever she wants. i mean, the physical cannot be ignored, but there's so much beyond that. i was getting too caught up in it.
i also had the opportunity of a nice talk over dinner tonight with dad, since kevin fucking ditched on me.
it's interesting hearing your own father say "i needed half a pint of vodka in me, just to bring myself to get up and go to work in the morning. and i didn't think that was a problem." and then to know that you can tell that very same man that you drink, and have him look right back in your eyes, smile, and tell you to do some research: look within yourself, within a book, within the world around you. no condemnation. no know-it-all bullshit. just honest help, with honest answers. that is truly love beyond anything i've ever been capable of providing.
i want that capacity. and i intend to make full use of it.
for now.
it's time for me to read this book. i can sleep in tomorrow.
5 screamed |
i am afraid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 15 July :: 10.12pm
sooooo dude.
yeah.
i am afraid
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spud
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2006 15 July :: 1.18am
:: Mood: crappy
meh. i've run the emotional gamut in the last 12 hours or so. it's been interesting. nothing in particular happened to cause this. it just kind of did it on its own.
i know the feelings aren't true. i mean, they are real feelings, but they don't represent reality. but i can't just pretend the feelings don't exist. they obviously do. so, how do i strike that balance? tell me how.
i want to go swimming. i want to run away. even if there's nothing to run away from. just dissapear for like a week. not to escape my problems. they'll be waiting anxiously when i return. and that's fine. i just want some time alone without them first, that's all.
i wrote a horrible entry in opendiary. it just ran around in circles until i got tired. i don't know why i do this sometimes. perhaps it's a homeopathic remedy for paranoid psychosis. that would be nice. anything to stop me from freaking out anymore.
dad would say to pray about it.
mom would say to get medicine.
bruce would say to take a break, relax somehow. or just plow through it.
so, what would i say? i know i would say something. i just don't know what it is.
5 screamed |
i am afraid
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miniredhawk
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2006 14 July :: 7.43pm
Panic! At The Disco
Beyond awesome!
And for that, I say, thank you Anne!
Best. Gift. Ever.
1 screamed |
i am afraid
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sugarjackj
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2006 14 July :: 2.55pm
Trimspa baby!
Yeah, we'll see.
...
i am afraid
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sugarjackj
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2006 14 July :: 9.28am
Emo emo emo.....
Never will happiness return to my heart!
See? See these tears that flow, beloved, for you alone.
i am afraid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 13 July :: 9.00pm
Tomorrow I'm going to see the apartment we'll be moving into. Today I picked out all the colors and I love them. I wasn't sure on all the colors I had but I had a lady in wallcoverings help me so now I'm sure.
I'm listening to this scarily pansyish song that reminds me so much of being little. I remember it. It reminds me of when Stef and I shared that room with little heart wall paper and had that little black tape player. She had to tape symbols on the buttons because I didn't know which one was play and stop and pause and all that. I was so little and I still remember this song. I'm not telling what it is. I dont want anyone to steal it. haaaaaaa.
I really feel like I am done with high school and all that but you can never erase the memories. So I guess that means you can never let things from high school stop affecting you.
It's not that I dont appreciate everything you've done for me. Everything you've given me. it's not that, because I do appreciate it and I see more and more that I'm lucky to have that maybe other people don't. but there's something definetely missing. something that even though it's great, doesn't make it add up to more, because the something that's missing is a huge something. so that's why i dont just ugh nevermind
you know, i just downloaded msn live or whatever, and i dont think i like it. not so far anyway. it's too hard to read stuff.
we're down to the last weeks before the apartment. i'm stressed out, working all the time, and his hours keep getting cut.
wonderful.
fuck this shit.
i am afraid
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bleedingsun
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2006 13 July :: 10.50am
:: Music: the mars volta
They will walk among us.
This seems too crazy to be true.
Read more..
1 screamed |
i am afraid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 12 July :: 11.27pm
i just wrote something but then deemed it too mean to say. but what i was going to say, was something about how I am pissed. I feel like you really should'nt be a jerk to me. It's not fair and I am doing so much for us on my own right now that I really don't think it's nice. I feel like I've done so much and not been appreciated enough for it.
whatever.
UGHH jerk.
i am still working every day until next friday. i really dont want to. really really dont want to. i am pissed. and i kind of really really hate menards. ugh and i can't get into my bank account online right now for some reason and i hate not knowing exactly my balance every day whenever i want to.
so right basically i am pissed and tired and dreading the fact that i have to work 10-6:30 tomorrow. fuckers.
1 screamed |
i am afraid
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sugarjackj
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2006 11 July :: 9.54pm
It's in Life...
IF
2 screamed |
i am afraid
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spud
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2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving
i want to make music.
i want to write stories.
i want to be muscular.
i want to be athletic.
i want to be sweet.
i want to make girls swoon.
i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.
i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.
"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.
everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.
so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.
3 screamed |
i am afraid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 10 July :: 11.54am
okay so stef's bridal shower was yesterday. that went well i thought.
and then last night after that i left and met roman in k-zoo. ughghghghgh and now i probably wont see him until august 5th which i know i keep saying but i'm pretty sure i mean it this time.
we got stef and pauls wedding gift last night. which i was thinking Stef- can't you just go to the places you're registered and even though it's not a big suprise what you're getting for presents anyway, since you picked them out, you could just print your list off and see what people have already bought you before the wedding. ha. it's funny i think.
and then after we bought the gift we went to the movies which i dont think we have doen since.... last summer or something when we saw fun with dick and jane, or was that this winter? i dont remember but it's been a long ass time because we never want to spend our money on movies but i wanted to see click and it was pretty good and i cried.
and then there was this storm in kalamazoo when we got out of the movie, it wasn't raining but there was thunder and lightning . the lightning seriously looked so cool. whenever it striked it lit up the sky and was all purple . it looked like a poster or like professional photo of lightning. it was so pretty. so we just watched that for a while. and then went to arbys.
anyway, long story short i didnt' get home till 2:10 am and then had to get up at 8:30 to go to the fricken doctors. i looked at the scale for the first time in a long time today and i WANT TO CRY. but oh well, me and roman were talkigna bout how we're gonna lose weight anyway when we move in so whatever , i'm not that concerned. and i'm gonna try to use the gym or whatever at davenport too when i can.
anyway, the apartment lady called me this morning and told me i get to see OUR apartment 212!!! on friday. yay so i get to see the real one that will be our home in one month!!!! So friday i get to go down there and pick out the colors that they will paint it and get that all settled. i can't wait.
welll now i have to leave for work because i have to work from 12:30 to close which is 10 which sucks a lot. nine and half hours that i picked up even though now i dont want them but too bad for me and i guess more money.
ughghghgh~!!! stupid work i hate you. hopefully i get to work on service today because that is more fun.
g'day.
3 screamed |
i am afraid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 9 July :: 11.35am
oh my gawwwd.
i can't wait to move out. why are you talking to me about all this stuff i dont give a crap about. seriously. stop talking.
well i'm glad the money got your attention. what a fricken suprise.
cannnnnnnnnnnnnt wait.
i have one month and 2 days left but really it's more like about 25 days because i'm gonna be so busy w/ stef's wedding that i wont have time to think about the apartment within the last week. yayyyyyyy
2 screamed |
i am afraid
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spud
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2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired
scholarships.
for miss katie booms:
http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887
for me to remember:
http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3
-------------------
working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.
it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.
in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.
3 screamed |
i am afraid
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.j.e.s.s.
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2006 7 July :: 11.54pm
oh wait, i have to write about one more thing because i am so serious about it.
when we move into the apartment, i'm putting this picture of me and roman on the fridge. It's a picture from when I was in the beginning of my Junior year, and him his senior year. and you can tell such a difference in our weight. we were so skinny.
i swear i'm getting back down to like 105. swear. as soon as i can buy my own food, when i buy the healthy stuff, that's all i'll have for the week and no exceptions. seriously in my moms house they never buy anything healthy EVER. like fruits and veggies dont even exist in this house. well, canned ones but that doesn't really count. i cna't wait until i can buy what i should eat and then be forced to eat it because i can't waste my money. hahaha. and then also i wont over eat because then i will be broke!!!!
i just seriously can't wait to get skinny again. and i know roman can't either. my baby wants his big ol guns and tight ass back. lol. i'm buying him weights for christmas too. shhh.
so yeah that's my plan and i SERIOUSLY am sticking to it! no freshman 15 for me. it's freshman negative 15 for me. yeah i'm so serious about this i even bought a scale for us today. haha. right now i will continue to pig out though...yeah.... i'm horrible oh well!
4 screamed |
i am afraid
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