what i pretend to be

:: 2006 25 June :: 12.02am

I got one question for ya'll

BOOM BOOM ...!

how'd you get so sexy?>

biattttchhhhess hollla!

8 screamed | i am afraid

:: 2006 24 June :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Daddy O (some french band)

Its a good thing he's gay or i would be in love.
So....I went out last night with Megan, Katharine and Mike.

It was so much fun. We went to Rocket Star and had coffee and then just talked. And i didn�t mean to ignore Nathan but i just didn�t want to talk to him. It was cool though because i met a ton of Mike's friends. It made me almost laugh because there was a guy who was so much like Addison.

One thing that i never know how to respond to is.."You are so beautiful" especially when they are strangers. Its one of the only things that you can say that will throw me off and leave me not knowing what to say.

But then we went to The Crow's Nest. And i feel a little bad about leaving Katherine & Megan out of our conversation, but it was amazing. I can�t even begin to explain how great it was. He knew everything i was talking about and I knew everything he was saying.

It was just very nice to have someone understand every word that came out of my mouth.

And at the end of the night he said the same thing to me, and it was just, Amazing.

spud

:: 2006 24 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: yucky ::

:: damn family ::
so, i guess the shit is hitting the fan in a big way, like it hasn't done in four or five years. and that was when i was cutting myself and just all around being really stupid.

i know it may come as a shock, but i'm pretty sure that i'm still quite stupid. i realize that this is an unpopular perspective among my friends. but everyone loves an underdog, right? i just hope i don't lose my cool. i can feel it slipping. it has been happening for a few weeks now. i don't know what to do with it. i know shannon is already starting to feel the effects. i'm just worried.

apparently there's some court hearing scheduled. mom threatened to kick me out of the house, to which i responded, "tonight?". she didn't say anything. she just kind of looked at me like she thought i was being silly.

but as soon as she said that, in my head, i went into survival mode, you know? (hunter would have been proud) i was trying to figure out how best to smuggle clothes, food, possessions, and where they would be going. where i would be going. but it would be such a pain in the ass to have to change my mailing address. and you know a bunch of stuff would get messed up.

the problem is that the cell phone, the truck, and the mailing address, all belong to mom. none of them are mine. i merely use them, with permission (WP, if you will). if she takes the truck, the phone, the house, then i'm left with the mess to clean up. i'm half tempted just to do it. i mean, it would be a pain in the ass, no doubt. but i could really go for something a little more constant, you know? something where i wouldn't be worried about where i'm going to sleep the next night. and up until recently, such a place existed, right here.

part of me is really pissed, and just wants a normal family for once.

but i have to keep reminding myself, especially in times like these:
a normal family would be boring. and wouldn't that be horrible? boring! i quake in mundane angst at the thought of a boring existence with a boring family. < / s a r c a s m >

6 screamed | i am afraid

:: 2006 23 June :: 4.57pm

So, after going to the orientation today, i am feeling a little bit better about going to college.

i also got fourty bucks for playing a trivia game thing and having our group win. cool.

and wonderful, i have july 4th off because it is a tuesday. AMAZING that i got that day off, so many people asked it off but i guess they were nice enough to give me it off as well since tuesday is supposed to be my designated "day off" anyway.

so hoorah.

spud

:: 2006 23 June :: 3.20am
:: Music: 311 - music

let's see. kevin spent the night last night, that was fun.

band practice yesterday was good. i've stopped expecting it to go anywhere, but that's alright. i just like being able to still play sometimes. i NEED that. they say to nurture your mind, body, and soul. well, to exaggerate just a smidgen, music is my soul.

shannon got a phone call, and so she called me late tonight, all choked up. i mean, it wasn't a big deal, and we're fine. but yet it was a big deal. hence the crying. the details aren't really important.

i was two minutes late to work today. they'll dock it from my check. but if i clocked in an hour early, you think they'd give me any credit? i just don't understand what their logic is. i mean, what will you do with an inexperienced, uneducated workforce, which has no incentive whatsoever to go above and beyond the bare minimum required to simply maintain their employement status. because, as long as you're not getting fired, you're getting paid the same, regardless of how hard you work.

shannon has a hedgehog, a beautiful personality, and a great sense of humor.

i have muscles, meager fundage, and a decent sense of humor.

i think that's enough. if not, then i'll be damned. i don't have much else to offer.

:: 2006 22 June :: 2.42pm

My boss is way too cool.

She just said "I'm leaving at 4, so if you leave early i wont even know"

then she winked.

:: 2006 21 June :: 11.32pm

I spent two nights with Roman again. Blessed. It's like everything bad that we are dealing with in our lives momentarily disappears when we are together. I hope that never goes away.

We got a futon and I was proud of us because we bartared with them and lowered the price by $15!! Woo go us. I was like, "ask if they think it's realy worth ____" and he got them to lower the price 10 bucks. then I say "Hmm.... I dunooo honeyyyy, what do you think?" *twist hair and give indecisive looking eyebrow arch* "Okay, OKay," the sales lady says, "You dont have to twist my arm" and she lowers the price by $5 more. Hahaha we win!

anyway, it's black and exactly what we wanted for a fraction of the cost!

I bought some awesome clothes today that I am excited about. God, I can't believe I just used the word awesome. I loathe it. Anyway, I used gift certificates, in my defense.

Then I went to work, it was easy. Had a meeting so it's like I only had to work 5 hours really. I might miss my coworkers when I transfer Menards locations. I'm kinda sad about that. oh well.

Roman and I went to Vandercook lake in Spring Arbor while i was there in Jackson... It was a blast. It was the most perfect sunny day. We forgot the grill to cook our 97 cent hot dogs that we bought so we were angry and pissy but then he convinced me to actually go in the water and we had such a fun time. God I needed that.

So, I pay my car insurance tomorrow and I am finally under my own plan, not paying my parents anymore. I schedule classes for Davenport on Friday (scary). So I guess, Responsibility, here I come.

Other than that.... There are two things I really hate right now: Smoking/cigarettes, and money... Yeah. I'm not even going to try to explain why I hate the first thing I listed. Gawd, how selfish. HOW SELFISH!!!! Nevermind.

Anyway, i have a sad, lonely, slightly drunken boyfriend to tend to. Long story. I'm off.

I love him.

PS. I am also getting quite excited for stef and paul's wedding. I really like this guy. A good catch, definetly. i dont know where I'm going with that, but i'm just glad stef isn't marrying some jerk.

:: 2006 21 June :: 7.30pm

PHILLLLL!!!!!!!!

Where did you go?

:: 2006 20 June :: 12.13pm
:: Mood: Hungry.
:: Music: Do it on it

Work Work Work.................maybe i sould get back to it.....

:: 2006 18 June :: 9.22pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: PANIC! at the disco

Well kids I have entered the corporate world. I work at the world famous Skanska.
I only do it for the stuff though.
They gave me my own big office, with two computers (ones for drafting) A blackberry, and a laptop.
I work in marketing. It�s a pretty god job. I get paid a lot and its air conditioned! Woo. Beats the hell out of meijer last summer.

I�m so excited to start at CMU in the fall. Im taking 9 classes this semester and 7 of them are music classes. And i would not have it any other way.

2 screamed | i am afraid

:: 2006 17 June :: 10.39pm

Well my open house went well actually.

thanks to everyone who came. and especially thanks to gunnie. the letter was incredibly sweet. it meant a lot and i'm so glad you came. i'm sorry i missed you when you left and i feel like an ass. i miss you, i really truly do. i really realized that today...but i feel like i never missed a beat with you. i feel like we still are the friends we always were. i love you!!

and other than that... my family was all cool and the weather was hot but very nice and afterwards me and roman hung out, couldn't find anything to do , so we ended up staying at MY house, which is totally amazing, and watching a movie which we probably haven't done in an entire year. it felt nice and like the old days.

anyway, hooray, im done with that and one step closer to moving out.

yesterday i packed so much stuff. all my cds and my stereo are packed in boxes and taped shut. my picture frames are all put away and wrapped up tight with packing paper. .. we are just so excited for this. i can't wait! looking at those moving boxes in my room just makes me a million more time excited. hooray.

2 screamed | i am afraid

:: 2006 16 June :: 11.46pm

god why do you keep totally blowing me off?

are you my friend or are you just pretending? i'm really confused.

and it's really annoying.