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what i pretend to be

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jes

:: 2012 26 February :: 9.29am
:: Mood: annoyed

So insensitive. Feels like salt is being shoved into my wounds.

i am afraid


jes

:: 2012 24 February :: 8.56am

ughhhhhh shut up!

i am afraid


jes

:: 2012 23 February :: 5.06pm

It was confirmed today that we lost our baby. Today is a very sad and heart breaking day for Ryan and I. We heal/deal in entirely different ways, which is hard to make sure we're both feeling like we're "coping" and supporting one another, but we're getting through it as best as we know how.

I feel very alone, even though I know I'm not. I don't want to be around people, but yet, I hate feeling alone. I just for myself, to think about and deal with everything, need some worship music, ryan and landon, and time alone.

I really wish people would stop saying, "It's for the best", THE best would have been for me to have my baby, and just because they might not of been healthy doesn't mean I wanted him/her any less, because I STILL want my baby. I know people don't know what to say, and are only trying to help, but it just makes me feel worse. Vacation and leaving the country couldn't have come at any better of a time.

i am afraid


jes

:: 2012 22 February :: 10.58pm

Tomorrow we find out if God decided to answer our prayers, or if it's time to start healing and move on. I'm so back and forth on how I feel. Because I just don't know what's happened. So one minute I'm sad, and pissed off at the world. Then the next, I'm hopeful, praying, even moments where all feels "normal" again, and then they quickly pass. I just feel like this is all still a bad dream, that I just can't wake up from, it feels never ending! I just don't know how this could have happened, why did this happen, how am I EVER suppose to be ok with this? How will I ever make peace with the Lord giving and taking away?? How can I face other people??

i am afraid


spud

:: 2012 5 January :: 12.26am

The lions lost by two fumbles and a touchdown.

And today I got a voicemail from a cemetary.

Coincidence?

I think not.

i am afraid


spinder

:: 2011 30 December :: 1.55am

Meh.

i am afraid


spud

:: 2011 18 December :: 3.16am

Gig was good. Facebook crew disappointed me as usual. But it was reeeeeeeeeally good. Despite the rocky start.

2 screamed | i am afraid


jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 16 December :: 9.19pm

Isn't it rather amazing how one bad day ruins the several good days leading up to it? I find it fascinating that one person, who treated me well for the better part of two weeks, can completely ruin the memories of the good days in one foul swoop.

Does this ever happen to you? Or am I that negative where I only focus on the bad?

2 screamed | i am afraid


spud

:: 2011 15 December :: 3.16pm

i need to stop watching cheesy romantic comedies. but i can't. because it's christmastime, and they're on every freaking channel. and they're adorable.

i'm not really even sure i want that. but i certainly enjoy watching others' conceptualizations of it. it's a nice idle fancy.

2 screamed | i am afraid


jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 13 December :: 8.58am

I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit...
Ya know, a lot has changed for me over the course of the last year and half or so. Not that that isn't the case at any given point in our lives, but even more so in the past year and a half for me. I finally became a person I like looking in the mirror at. And that's saying something, considering the majority of the time when I look in the mirror I see baggy eyes, unplucked eyebrows, and pasty skin. When I look down at my naked body all I see is my toes protruding from behind a too-big tummy ravaged by scars... Scars from carrying the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen, scars from a surgery necessary so an i.u.d. didn't kill me, pudge from making my son a good home while he grew inside of me. When I look at these "less than beautiful" attributes about myself I am not ashamed. I'll poke some fun and myself for not working off the baby weight and move on with my day. Because my days are now filled with a totally different kind of fun. This is the closest to being a carefree kid I've been since I was a carefree kid. By no means am I careless or carefree, but I feel a sense of innocence surround me that I haven't known before in my life. Haevin does that for me. He makes every difficult time worth it's weight in gold, and then some! Am I a perfect mother and wife? Hell no. But I try, and I am pretty happy with who I am. Even better is that I don't really care who I am to anyone who doesn't matter. If they don't like me, tough shit. The people who are closest know what I stand for, and so do the strangers. If they don't like it... they can take a hike!

Onto my main point. I love the little things in life. I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit. It means that my son is healthy. Yeah, it stinks. But it's a life-affirming sort of stench, lol. I get sick of reading about people who are so focused on "getting there." Life is a journey. It's appreciating everything, the good and the bad. It's not a race to the finish line. If you ever make it to that finish line you better plan on croaking the following day, because that's about it son. When you've stopped learning and caring, and appreciating, your time has come.

This morning I was paid a very nice compliment by my sister on my Facebook page. She said she loved me and was proud of the person I'd become. That really made my day. That someone else can see and appreciate my growth even though it has little, if not nothing to do with them is very refreshing! I have some amazing family to be grateful for. Life is good. And if you haven't realized it yet, start looking for your bliss. Because there will always be negative things in your life to focus on. If you allow them to consume you, you will spend your life miserable. This, I promise you.

So, as corny as it may be... Be the change you want to see in the world.

Rant concluded!

i am afraid


.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 7 December :: 7.40pm

i am so overjoyed to finally become what i always knew i was meant to be. <3 <3 <3

3 screamed | i am afraid


jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 1 December :: 8.40pm

I am extremely lonely. I am so grateful for Brenton's job, but I miss him.

2 screamed | i am afraid


spud

:: 2011 28 November :: 1.47pm

Damn You Auto Correct
i get an unexpected day off, and this is what i'm doing.

feels good to laugh, though.











2 screamed | i am afraid


spud

:: 2011 27 November :: 4.16pm

so, friday didn't go very well. i still enjoyed myself, to a certain extent, but it definitely did not go like i had hoped. i just have too much faith in people being open-minded. i really need to learn to keep my trap shut, because not everyone is as accepting of differences as i am. or as tolerant of stupid shit.

--------------

thursday was fine. there was food. the lions lost. my family sat around. the highlight of my evening was playing liar's dice with the alspaugh guys.

last night was fairly epic, if uneventful.

and i got my scooter fix for the weekend. so that's good.

i am afraid


sugarjackj

:: 2011 21 November :: 11.53pm

Do you ever miss something so much it hurts?

Such good times I'll never forget.
And at the same time horrible life changing events.


Internal conflict of emotions.





Ewwww.

1 screamed | i am afraid

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