what i pretend to be

:: 2008 3 August :: 1.18am

Yay I got it done! I feel l ike a badass haha. I was so scared but it doesn't hurt at all. I don't like the way it looks righht now cuz they had to use a 14 gage and a big ol ugly silver ball right now but in a wk and a half I am going to have the guy put a small cute diamond one in it. I am so excited and glad I did it. Now if only my parents won't hate me everything will be good!

:: 2008 2 August :: 7.32pm

So I've been wanting to do this for a long time. Going back and forth between a tattoo and piercing. Well im getting a piercing for many reasons
1. You can remove them so if I don't like it I don't have to worry about it.
2. I love jewelry and accessories. Anyone who knows me well knows this. I never go a day w.out earrings of some sort. I think accessories complete every look.
3. Im feeling rebelious and I need to do somethibng to satisfy that.
4. I think this specific piercing is cute and hopefully will look ok on me!
5. I need something different

So that's that its settled, im getting a "monroe" piercing. Hooray. Tonight after I get out of this shithole. Aka work.

My grandma is never going to speak to me again tho.... :0(
Forgive me!

2 screamed | i am afraid

spud

:: 2008 2 August :: 10.14am
:: Music: kebbeen, buying me dinner.

Mr. J, (this entry's more for me than anything else)
movie's done, at least as far as i'm concerned. going canoing today. wrap party for the film is tomorrow. the last class is on monday, and i have to turn in a 3-5 page paper that i have yet to write. should be exciting. also going to try and schedule a job interview for that time. and go into campus view and raise hell for my damage deposit. so, staying plenty busy, even though it's supposedly over.

but that's okay. life barrels on.

:: 2008 1 August :: 8.16pm

well today has been an adventure......to say the least

it started off ok then i get a call from my Brother that my dad has yet again lost his job because he decided to go to work DRUNK AGAIN>>>i know its an addiction and i know i need to be there for him but i feel like i am someitmes at a brick wall. my mom gave him 2 months to clean his act up or she is "leaving" i dont really know what that means but i know her and nate are going to be completly selfish about this and it makes me sad. yeah it messes with thier life but my main focus is getting my dad better. no matter what the cost. maybe im just naive and stupid but its my dad and i love him and i am willing to do whatever for him ah well he has me and maybe thats all he needs.

THEN,
when i was doing laundry a got stung by a bee, which i am allergic to. raced home and took some meds and i feel ok my arm is throbbing but pain is a necessary evil and i can handle it.

1 screamed | i am afraid

:: 2008 31 July :: 2.30pm

i finally got all of the stuff for the hall taken care of... at least i think i did. i have all the music and all the d-cor and i think in terms of wedding i am almost done with stuff....(doing the happy dance)

my mom finally is ok with everything, i thnk oh well.

:: 2008 28 July :: 11.27pm

ok so i have decided that no matter how much i truely grow up my mom still thinks i am stupid.... really. me and tj decided to have my work cater for the wedding, yeah it may be a little more work and such but in total we will be saving almost 500.00. i dont know about you but i could care less about a little more planning and sorting if i can save that much it is definetly worth it right!!!

Not buying a house just yet. we can save up more money if we stay where we are and just bank for a year... they rate we are saving now in a year we could have like 3 grand saved and that makes me very happy, that is it will once we can pay off all the credit cards and be ok on bills... being an adult is hard but i know together me and my soon to be husband ( its wierd to say that omg how corny am i?) cang et though it all...

1 screamed | i am afraid

:: 2008 27 July :: 10.37pm

Today was my day off for the week it was a good one too!
trying to get all that last minute bull shit for the wedding all together and my wonderful fience is NO HELP... boys suck balls

anyways, lifes great just chaotic such is such

:: 2008 26 July :: 12.17pm

My mind is blank now. Every part of my body is sinking and empty. I don't have to think about anything, hear anything, say anything, feel anything, worry about anything.
...there are no job interviews, no hypocrites. I do not have to... socialize. I do not have to smile. I do not have to justify my beliefs. I don't have to wear dress shoes. I don't have to pledge allegiance to the flag. I don't have to use a number two pencil. I don't have to read the fine print.
...it is true that it is nonproductive. But when ninety-five percent of out-of-bed activities hold the possibility of pain, to be pain-free is simply the most delicious feeling in the world.

-not mine

spud

:: 2008 26 July :: 12.37am
:: Music: Go Fish - Part of the Proof

seriously. i just want a day off. one fucking day off.

we filmed again today. james's room is fully dressed. but since our camera broke this afternoon, and they didn't get to the interior shots on the call sheet, they pushed them back to the end of the schedule, so that room didn't need to be dressed at all... so dumb, but it couldn't be helped.

i'm having lots of fun. but i'm so fucking tired. and i'm just getting sick of being there all the time.

and i'm smoking way too many cigarettes. this is killing me. neither softly, nor slowly.

but i'm determined to have fun, dammit. we're making a movie. it should be a good time.

:: 2008 23 July :: 11.03pm

today was ok,,, worked till bout 10:30 and now i am sitting at home while tj makes HIMSELF something to eat and didnt even bother asking me if i was hungry...i would figure after 2 years living together he would at least do that.... wtf

wedding preperations are making way, the actual ceremony is all i really have left. im going to talk to pastor on sunday and pray the organist doesnt have plans that day or i am fucked!!!

no real drama to speak of today things are actaully going real well, me and tj are not fighting anymore and for the first time in a long time i am actually happy.,.. believe it or not i am.

:: 2008 23 July :: 12.33am
:: Music: tj random verses

ONE MORE MONTH TO GO...
Went and bought all the shit for the reception today and suprisingly only spent like $100.00 on candles and decor... yay me! all this stuff is coming together and it is awesome! we only have one more month and i cant wait. now all i need is the $$$$ and the marriage licence and a couple little things and i should be all set....

im so glad i finally got to spend the day with tj. its rare that we both have a day off now that he works a funny schedule. i do like spending time with him i am just stressed so i act mean.... he'll get over it right

Nathan called from fort lee today, he's doing good just really bored i guess. he's trying to get life straitened out but somehow he f's it up... i really dont know about him. its amazing what changes when hes hours upon hours away from all of us. And not to mention my mom.. she is a freaking nut. she messed up the invites so that everyone has till the 1st of aug to rsvp but i need to know today... and she keeps making decisions for me about my wedding that i really dont need her too...ah well i wont stress i wont stess

Over all today was a wonderful day and i hope i have many more of them.

:: 2008 21 July :: 12.43am

Just got back from watching the Batman movie and it was freakin awesome!!!! i dont watch many movies but i really really liked this one...

:: 2008 20 July :: 10.18am

Im at work AGAIN I seriously hate it here. I am applying somewhere else tomorrow.

I can't tak eit here. It is soooo boring and they treat their employees and clients like crap. They are truley a horrible company and I can't wait to get out of it.

Other than that I am just really confused bc there is only one thing im sure of in my life and the rest I don't know what to do with.

spud	:: 2008 20 July :: 1.55am i'm SOOO tired. but it's back to the grindstone again tomorrow, so i suppose i ought to suck it up and deal. sleepy time looms. foreboding and somnambulant are the pertinent adjectives. i think. 1 screamed \| i am afraid

:: 2008 19 July :: 12.07pm

this week has totally gone by way too fast, its having two days in a row off that messed my up i think... anyway i think i have a plan on finishing everything for the wedding, at least i hope i do i have like a month and i know it will be gone soon.

life is normail or at least for me. me and tj are working as much as possible so we get have the money to pay for shit. once this wedding is over we should be able to maybe save... calling the realator this week and hopefully the bank will get everything going so we can look at houses and maybe have one by the time our lease is up... i pray we do cause yeah this is a good apartment but i hate having neighbors all around me.

mom is driving me absolutely crazy... i bet its the stress but it seems every day she calls she has something to bitch about. Nate is at Fort Lee in Virginia and from what i hear he is doing good. its nice not having him around as sad as that sounds but he is definetly better off as far away from here as possible there is more oportunity there.