where have all the liars gone?

I'm so tired. Aren't you?

:: 2005 16 February :: 6.54am

:: 2005 15 February :: 6.11pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: inmemory - daddy raised us kings

it's time i grew up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. took me 17 years to figure that out.

:: 2005 14 February :: 9.34pm
:: Mood: pensive
:: Music: explosions in the sky - remember me as a time of day

i've been listening to explosions in the sky all day. best band ever. they can have so much emotion without even having to say a word.

late afternoon. mixtapes. warmth. frost. cuddling. sleep. leaves. colors. blankets.

:: 2005 14 February :: 9.00am

February, Valentines Day
Did my best to avoid the red cliches
So you dumped me on the subway
On my way to work at 9 in the morning
Everybody else is holding bouquets
Now I'm holding my face in the basement
Scratching away for any trace
Of affection you will leave
Falling victim as the publics prey

:: 2005 14 February :: 6.57am

so today is valentine's day, for all you people with a valentine, enjoy. if you're like me and you don't, then oh well, its like any other day. but, you should listen to explosions in the sky - your hand in mine.

:: 2005 13 February :: 1.01am

I like you. Do you like me? Check Yes or No.

___________Yes
___________No

Wouldn't that be nice if everything was that simple?

:: 2005 12 February :: 1.28pm

question. what do you really think of me? be honest.

:: 2005 9 February :: 7.48am

I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,
where every single move that I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?

:: 2005 8 February :: 9.20pm

i still can't sleep. been thinking a lot, which can be good and bad. though how i don't really do anything. i don't do anything for anyone. i'm no good. i don't make anyone smile, or laugh. i'm a waste of a life. i'm just a thorn in everyone's side.

i really just want to sleep. if i don't, i know i'll be seeing things.

i keep feeling like i'm for sale, trying to sell myself to everyone. colleges, recruiters, employers, newspapers. i feel like in order to have a girl like me, i have to try and sell who i could be, not really exactly what i am. song in entry before is exact. it's what i feel. i don't even know anymore.

:: 2005 8 February :: 5.02pm

My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! Its line 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you havent heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.

:: 2005 4 February :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: independence day

so tired today. came home when i got done with class at 1:45. went to sleep. went back to school for a bit to do some stuff. working on some photo stuff. lith prints and such. getting kicked out of the house in the morning because my mom is having people over. so i'll end up driving around for a bit. so being bored a lot gave me time to think about stuff. i'm really nothing special at all. there are so many people who are just amazing, with the stuff they can do and such. i'm just average and below average in pretty much anything. i'm not really good at anything, i just get by with everything. when i say i'm not good at something, i'm not lying. with girls it seems like they want that awesome guy who is tall and muscular and such. they don't want the little 5'4", 135 lbs guy who can play a little on the guitar, or piano. they want the guy who looks like the cliche and acts that way too. they want the football, basketball, soccer, lacrosse or baseball player. not the cross-country and track runner with mediocre times. they want the guy who can fake the artist thing and take okay pictures. not the guy who got stuck with all the problems an artist has but isn't anything special in photo. they want the guy who has the nice car and everything to go with it. not the guy who borrows his mom's car for a few hours, pays for their own gas, runs errands for their parents and then spends maybe a half hour getting what they wanted to get in the first place but had to do the other stuff for the parents so they could. they want the guy who is funny. not the guy who is sarcastic and has a dry sense of humor. they seem to want the asshole, not the guy who wants to help people but doesn't really want people to know because they don't want the attention. they want the guy who can act sensitive when needed, not the guy who is sensitive and gets walked all over for it. they want the guy who can mumble a few lines and play 3 chords on the guitar to try and win their heart, not the guy who will try and write a few lines with coherent lyrics, a decent guitar progression and will practice until they can sing it to try and tell you how they feel but still won't because they are scared of how you will react.

i'm in an odd mood tonight. you probably noticed i'm everything they don't want. i'm going to try and sleep.

:: 2005 3 February :: 9.31pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: glassjaw - Cosmopolitan Blood Loss

tired from running and working out. working on new stuff for photo. should be interesting. watching stuff about snipers, my brother says i should go into the military to be one because i'm already pretty good at stalking, hiding, shooting, evading and such. i do it for fun.

:: 2005 30 January :: 9.22pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: independence day

i am jacks sn 26: fuck, you make every good thing baddddd
i am jacks sn 26: i need a new keyboard
corey: thats what im here for
i am jacks sn 26: you going to get me a new keyboard too?
corey: no im here to make every good thing bad

i figured i'd start out with something amusing. did nothing all weekend, usual weekend. bought the northstar cd. figured out i need to leave my house and actually meet people, or at least attempt to. i'm going to sleep.

"you can't make someone love you with a song."

:: 2005 30 January :: 5.47pm

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?
Your hands say With me, you'll never be lost.
Your eyes say I'm so lucky.
Your hugs say Nothing I desire compares with you.
Your kisses say I almost can't believe you love me.
Your body says Just curl up next to me.
Your heart says Te amo.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

i'm bored.

:: 2005 29 January :: 9.43pm

You scored as Loner.

Drama nerd
63%
Loner
63%
Geek
50%
Stoner
38%
Goth
38%
Prep/Jock/Cheerleader
25%
Punk/Rebel
25%
Ghetto gangsta
25%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

:: 2005 28 January :: 11.48pm

It's winter and I'm late I lost this game
Of white Russian roulette but I'm fine I'm quite okay,
And she knows I'm royal loyal to lovers
I'll die here with you when my veins lose their hue

Cause I never fixed my broken jaw
That's why my words don't ever come out at all,
So when you come out fix another for me
One hand's itching the other's missing
I wish I was missing...

Birthmarked my arms in vain out my mouth and down the drain
Shooting bullets through my blood, the bullets barely missed my brain
And fly for five days around my bedroom in a haze
And then I'll crash straight in the ground
I wish I was never ever here...

And I don't know what's buried here
(I think) I'm buried here and barely here...

Raccoon eyed and skin whiter than heavens best fighter
I'm thinking she needs me, well do you girl? I guess we'll see
And I know she's perfect, a hostage in purple
We'll tie up our arms with my cancer and your charm

Cause I'll never kiss a broken jaw
Fist fight the light that bounces off my walls
So when you come out fix another for me
One leg's limping, the other's missing
I wish I was missing...

Dodging broken down satellites
Mending my beaten up jaw line
Last night I stayed on call all night
And I watched her die three times tonight

:: 2005 28 January :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: the good at won't come out

so tired now. went to the meet, took pictures. drove home listening to the police. that was fun. came home and watched a little friday night standup. now i'm here, bored. i want to do something, but there is nothing to do. no one to talk to. this fun, [sarcasm/] i may go for a walk in these sub-zero temps, because i find them fun.

Looking out of a second floor window
planning out my exit wound
She�s so overlooked
This slaughter will get hotter and its
early overdue�
trying on a makeshift halo
Kissing on my exit wound
Knowing well that the farthest place from heaven
lies just right inside your room�.
And I staggered off my love of love,
romance and valentine ways�.
She felt so cold, so cold
She froze under the sheets while I slept all day�

She will sleep here
In between the cracks
Just a flower with a broken back
�Waiting for dirty water�
Did you sleep alright�?
She�s giving beat stares from being beat all day
Indian eyes in the American way

�Hail Mary�s and ale�..
A Hailed Mary that ails...

Making off with the evening gown of my darling
as she comes unglued
Leaving this trail of misery across my face
as it shot right up to the moon�

Looking out of a second floor window
I can feel me falling through
Back down to where she sleeps
Back down to her so shiny and so new

This jezebel is bleeding from a place
That can never ever be replaced

Hail Mary�s and ale...

:: 2005 28 January :: 3.30pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: target demographic

so i'm getting ready to leave in a bit. indoor track meet at macomb. i'm photographing it. i just hope i can get close enough. snow shooting thing i have to do this weekend too. i'll probably drive to lexington or something. if you feel like doing anything tonight, then call, or tomorrow.

:: 2005 26 January :: 8.57pm

corey: i finally got my ipod to work
i am jacks sn 26: that's cool.
corey: tis
i am jacks sn 26: i need to get relationships to work
i am jacks sn 26: relationships for dummies
i am jacks sn 26: i hope to god someone wrote that
corey: lol im sure sum1 has
i am jacks sn 26: i need it
i am jacks sn 26: something is fucked up
i am jacks sn 26: there is no way this much bad shit can happen to me
i am jacks sn 26: it's inconcievable
i am jacks sn 26: god does have a fucking sense of humor
i am jacks sn 26: he made me, and make my life shit
corey: lol

i complain too much.

:: 2005 25 January :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: keepsake - sweet white lies

ran my mile, it hurt like hell. 8:30, i'm so out of shape. i remember when i used to be able to run a mile and a half in the time, it's depressing. sore already. i streched a lot, hope it helps. math sucks, i have no idea what i am doing on this. screw it. i teach how to sepia tone tomorrow in photo, suprising? yeah, for me too. but i know how and lj wants me to show how.
i've got to call tom one of these days, i keep forgetting and doing nothing all weekend. i slept seven hours last night, oh did it feel good. i listened to billy joel on my way home, it was awesome. i drove behind niner mile on the way home til millar, he takes hayes up while i take romeo plank. people just suck. people in my sub just stare at me because i don't go to dakota, like there is something wrong with me. oh well.

:: 2005 25 January :: 6.59am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: her space holiday - my girlfriend's boyfriend

Seven hours of sleep, it felt good. i run a mile today. my last class gets out at 1:45, so i'm going to trudge through the snow to my car which will be parked on common. math test this morning....F. i who really needs to know how to find x,y and z? at least corey and jack are in my class.

:: 2005 24 January :: 9.33pm

memory lane
this is the place
you'll end up when
you lose the chase
where you�re dragged against your will
from a basement on the hill
and all anybody knows is
you're not like them
and they kick you in the head
and send you back to bed
isolation pulled you pass a tunnel to a
bright world where you can make a place to stay
but everybody's scared of this place
they're staying away
your little house on memory lane
the mayor's name is fear
his force patrols the pier
from a mountain of cliche
that advances everyday
the doctor spoke a cloud
he rained out loud
you�ll keep your doors and windows shut
and swear you'll
never show a soul again
but isolation pushes you �til every muscle aches
down the only road it ever takes
but everybody's scared of this place
they're staying away
your little house on memory lane
if it's your decision
to be open about yourself
be careful or else
be careful or else
uncomfortable apart
it's all written on my chart
and i take what's given to me
most cooperatively
i do what people say
and lie in bed all day
absolutely horrified
i hope you're satisfied
isolation pushes past self hatred, guilt and shame
to a place where suffering is just a game
but everybodys scared of this place
they're staying away
your little house on memory lane
your little house on memory lane

:: 2005 24 January :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: her space holiday

sore as fuck today. i run tomorrow. school sucked. corey wasn't in class because his mom has surgery, but we talked about how we're both pathetic and how girls take no interest in us. it's fun. i have someone to be pathetic with.

:: 2005 24 January :: 7.09am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: my american heart - certainty kills

it's freezing this morning. i could go in late today because i have the first two mods off (one class), but i don't understand the math we are doing at all. i can get one variable done, then i have no idea what to do, so i'm going in to get help from a senior i know. i am so sore today, you have no idea. i didn't sleep last night more than 3 hours. i'm all out of it already this morning.

I was hoping things had a chance
and wonders would make it past
Yeah things would be so perfect
can it be I've seen so many things?
I've seen you touch the sky
and it's more than unbelieveable

I'll die tomorrow
die tomorrow
and certainty will kill me once again
Well thirty went september and
it's too late to run back
I was hoping things might of had the chance

I'll die tomorrow
die tomorrow
and certainty will kill me once again...

:: 2005 23 January :: 3.24pm

friday nights new color
this is getting far to old,
i can only hear the same thing for so long
you have your subtle ways of keeping me here
no matter how much i want to leave

is that a new color you're wearing?
it's the first time in one week that i've seen this
this is brand new
i don't think that i've seen this one before
it seems so old and so new at the same
i don't even remember back then

she only wears red lipstick
on friday night
she only wears red lipstick
on friday night

half away still breathing
but hardly noticed the fault through the human eyes
show me how much you really care
about what the outcome is?

this brand new this time
and i don't remember what i used to say
when you used to get this way with me
i don't try anymore
i've given up
i've lost all hope and all consciousness
it flows through me like my blood
like the air through my lungs
i'm drowning in it
i'm drowning in it.

she only wears red lipstick
on friday night
she only wears red lipstick
on friday night

so i'll never be enough for you
i'm too much of one
constant thing in your heart
you're getting tired of
the way i look
the way i act
the way i talk
the way i feel

still away but i'm not breathing anymore
will you choke me?
will you cut all off all my air?