Twitchy
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2004 13 December :: 10.16pm
I am really depressed right now
I'll be gone tomarrow for many appointments, I decided I'm not taking any chances, general physical, shrink appointment, make an appointment with the neurologist, and then I've got the ortho and dental, it's a full day of medical narcotics everyone
I need to get away from ... everything for a while
I think what I really need in life right now is, idealy, a stiff drink and a good round of isolation, or just to know something's going right, either way I'll cope, I always cope with it
3 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 11 December :: 8.34pm
I'll miss Skyler, the lost boy
I know how I feel, so I won't post it all here
I cried
and wear the black ribbon
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Twitchy
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2004 10 December :: 10.27pm
shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitv
fuck it
2 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 7 December :: 10.12pm
I've just been so damn tired lately
well ... Kenlein was amazed by my insight today .... yay ... but I hate it when these people say I'm bright, when they say I'll go somewhere, I hate it when they build me up because I fail, as a student and as a person ... I do my best but we all fuck up, and the higher they put me the harder I'll fall ... the more it hurts us all when I fail ... I don't want that to happen
notes on life ... morgan, was pissed at me, now feeling much better
SOTV practice tomarrow
Kayla called, interesting
A little party coming up, need to find a massive amount of Mountain Dew
Emily Lou and I will now be systematically taking over the world, today America, tomarrow the middle east ... and then ... Indonesia!!!
People love my last name way to much
Nick is an interesting person
I think I need a vacation
I can't get little clips of music out of my head
I need sleep
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Twitchy
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2004 3 December :: 12.01am
well ... some stuff's new
I'm strung out over three classes, and maintianing my good status within these, that chem test was hell, and I'm not really so worried about English, but Math ... never liked it
so tori and gabe, good good, I'm very happy bout that, Jordan however... is not making me too happy, but I see where he's coming from
had a snowball fight at the bus stop the other day, just a fun memory I thought I'd bring up, pegged theo in the head twice
tomarrow I can rest ... kinda, I'm goin salsa dancing with Michal, Jordan, Taylor and company, then saturday I'm doing something odd
for a few of my single and depressed friends of the female persuasion I've organized a day where we are all getting together to drown our sarrows in ice cream and chick flicks, they have dubbed me an official girl ... so ... that's cool ... but I care about these people, they're sad ... so why not get them to have a bit of fun
next week the sixtet has practice, I wonder if we can still call it Sewage of the Vatican, it is a great name, and I'm thinking of forming a duo ... maybe with Saiki or Travis, possibly Tim ... anyone who thinks they can play the first violin part of the concerto for two violins
and then there's that party I got invited too, the masqurade one, that'll be great, wear a mask and fedora all night, go in and have a good time, there'll be a keg of mountain dew and we'll drink it with a beer bong
my week is filling up and I have to much work, it feels like I'm balancing too much, I feel tired, but I feel like I don't do enough
what's wrong with this picture?
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Twitchy
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2004 27 November :: 10.23pm
there's the right and there's the left
... but
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You...you may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You...you may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one
I think people are one and we really are, if you think I'm going to hell becuase I'm a buddhist, fine just don't talk to me about it, I'm happy with what I am, so don't try to change me (trust me all you converters, it's really a turn off from the religion) I'm fine with who you are but if you attack me or my ideas I'll fight like hell, try to bend me I won't stand for it
face it people, not matter who you are what you prescribe too you always have 5 billion or more people with different ideas, yes even the Christians and the Muslims
well here's life, we're on this earth, if there's something bigger going on we shouldn't fight here, becuase we're all working to express our beliefs and ideas, let's face it, many things have been warped over the years ... but imagin ...think ... that we're just ... us, so stop the moral superiority, stop conformity, stop supression and face world issues, face common ideas
that's my zen
2 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 26 November :: 5.26pm
They're falling apart, the family I know once so well, so happy, they're turning to the same dust mine has
And the way people say when they meet me, you're going somewhere, makes me want to cry, because I'm nothing special, not even compared to these people I used to know .... I'll let them all down
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-nightsloth-
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2004 23 November :: 9.11pm
religion. . .
focusing on Christianity. . . . Well, it's kinda simple. We, as human beings, need someo;ne to look up to, and if not someone to model ouselves after, or something to give us hope. Perhaps, through extensive praise we can reach in to the lower parts of our minds and bring out locked up energy, and the undying stubbornness that come with the human nature. Religion is our way of keeping ourselve feeling secure, that there is always a backup. Believing in a higher presence just well, helps. It's really illogical in some parts, though. First: OK if your cChristian, and you believe in God, and almost all of America can back you up on that, what makes him any more real than Buddha. It all had to come from somewhere. Thats the disturbing part. What evidence did the people have who wrote the Bible? Were they merely philosepfers, is it maybe, an ancient nove, completely made up? I don't know much about any other religions, but they had to get thier knowledge too. So think about it. If you "felt" the holy spirit, was it a manifestation of your brain? Were the depths of your subconcious creating it to promote a feeling of security? And how real can God be if its just another branch, when there are so many other religious believers out there trusting in thier idol just as much as the Christians. Think about it.
4 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 22 November :: 11.13pm
well, did the rehersal thing, 8 hours of practice, that was hell
things haven't been the best, I'm a little worried
last night I started bleeding from my ear, and I've been geeting light headed again, lauren convinced me to see a doctor
I've got a seven hour rehersal and a concert tomarrow, leading sectionals on wednesday, and then I'm gone, oh joy
3 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 19 November :: 1.33am
good night, saw the play with morgan, it was great
after the show met up with Jen, went back to talk to the cast, some skin from vivi, a hug from katy (I think she really appreciated that we showed up) and all's well in the world
it was good to go, not only was it a good show but the actors rarely get to hear direct praise from you and you never get to hear their appreciation, that was a good night ... now sleep
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Twitchy
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2004 15 November :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: yep ....
:: Music: something by Incubis
so some guy wants to kill me because he thinks I ruined his life
not as many people hate me
Erin is Bon's cousin
I had a weird debate
nice way to start the week
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Twitchy
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2004 14 November :: 1.55am
sometimes I don't know
but sometimes .... they make me feel like everyhting's gonna be ok
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Twitchy
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2004 11 November :: 1.02am
I keep a knife on top of my dresser
it's been there for quite a while, and I have a reason for keeping it there
to me that knife says that every time I get to the breaking point I have the option, it's sititng feet away, I've taken it out and thought about it
but eveyr time I see that knife, and sometimes I look at it when everyhting's fine but I know it's there because of all it hasn't done
it's there as proof of my will, the one thing I'll admit to having, my will power, I saw what it did to others and told myself never
so it's been there, glaring at me when I was depressed, and every time I get close, I think of that knife, an almost ronic symbol, maybe I take it out, maybe I look at it for a long time, but in the end
it lets me think, ironic as it is, and for no real reason, having it there in reach makes me know something, that .. it's hard to explain
but as long as I have the knife there, as long as I remember, I won't do anything
no more than punch the wall, once managed to face plant myself into the ground, but the knife was there, and I remembered I'd been worse, and gotten by somehow
as long as the knife's there, no matter how hard it gets, no one has to worry about me
self control is all I can hope for
5 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 10 November :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: fuckin hell
I get the cutter thing now
and I'm as close to crying as I have been in years
sorry
5 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 9 November :: 7.57pm
huge apology
Lauren, I kinda screwed up big time, I'm an ass, ... I'll try to make it up to you, and I'm really very sorry I messed up ...
Amelia, I'm sorry to you too ... I'm going to try to make it up to you too, I'm not good with gifts or anything ... but I'll try
Michal, tired to call ya the past few days, I'll try again today .. kinda hard when you're not around though
Kalie ... we need to work things out
I just can't do alot of things, I was antisocial until about a year ago, I'm not good with human interaction ... and I'm kinda slow, I don't want to say give me a break becuase I don't deserve it, but I try to juggle a torn family getting worse by the day, a decent sized group of friends, and keep up with shcool ... life's not the easiest thing I've ever done ... I fucked things up and now I feel like shit for it and I need to try to fix them, if you'll let me try
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